Acquisitions & Retrieval Duty

I hate my fellow Contractors.

No, allow me to correct myself: I hate new Contractors.

Not to say that I don't appreciate having more hands-on deck as we scour the universe for more people to enslave and clone. Yet, I'm only just tired of having to just clean up after their shit and bail them out.

Especially the guys who love to act like they're the shit now that they've got themselves real "power". The moment you give someone power will be the moment they reveal their true self, and boy did most of these assholes show just how fucking stupid they can be when they went buck wild into their Starting World with no thought for any plans or the consequences of their own actions.

Like say, Timothy Evans.

Timothy Evans was an avid fan of the Corruption of Champions sexual text games made by Fenoxo. Timothy wanted to live out his fantasy of becoming a big hulking Minotaur Man who'll corrupt and make every living soul in Mareth addicted to the narcotic like effects of his cum. And so, he invested as little as possible in Defenses and mostly focused on just pimping out his Pocket Space because the former Shut-In couldn't be bothered to rough it out in the Wilds of Mareth.

Not that I could blame him since everything out there is out to fuck him.

But my empathy pretty much bottomed out when he invested the last of his credits into Sweet Home Expansion. The asshole didn't even invest in any Talents to boost his skills in Combat or any other advantage. He was too caught up in his own high to see the danger that he was in.

And boy did he find the danger when he (un)luckily managed to stumble upon the Mountains because of Mareth's screwy travel warping. He was so sure that he can proc up an encounter to where a vial of Minotaur's Blood would happily fall from the sky onto his lap. Instead, he ran into a stray Minotaur, got the shit kicked out of him, and was forcibly fed five whole bottles of La Bova to become its newest Cowgirl Onahole.

Then he was passed around to be the entire Mountain's Onahole. He went from that Minotaur to his brothers, who eventually were exterminated by the protagonist of the world, Ingnam's most recent and former Champion.

Former, you may ask?

Well, after the Champion took pity on poor old Tim by bringing her back to her Camp to search for a way to cure the addicted Cowgirl, the two of them were assaulted and claimed by a wandering Omnibus, who took Tim hostage and forced the Champion to comply with getting her body pierced by all form of magical piercings that enforced submission.

Now the world's true protagonist and the Contractor sent to claim it were the latest harem members in the Omnibus's harem.

And I was sent to collect the mind broken Cowgirl, confiscate her resources, and be on my merry way. Convincing (Threatening) the Omnibus to release Tim was easy enough, although it was a waste to leave the Champion back there, but my hands were tied. My mission came before fulfilling my own needs.

With a snap of my fingers, I absconded with the fallen Contractor back to the same grey and dull workspace that was my department building. Sitting across from my desk was the fucked silly and bimbo brained cowgirl who was once the Shut-In Timothy Evans.

"So, Mr…or should I call you Miss Evans?" I shrugged it off. Not like she's cognizant to even pay me any mind. "Anywho, I'm obligated to inform you that your status as a Contractor has thusly been revoked due to inactivity for over a year on your Starting World, and for almost getting Company property in the hands of the world's natives." It was a good thing that the fool didn't purchase any bindings once he was set on becoming a Minotaur, otherwise the whole sitch in Mareth would be even more fucked.

"C-Cock…N-Need…it…F-Fuck my mouth~!"

"And of course you're brain is fried…" I sighed and looked over the files on my desk. Usually, the normal routine would be for me to simple send the Contractor back to the Starting World, cut our losses, and lock that World off for future use. However, there was a sub-rule and technical benefit for Retrievers like me, who come across damaged goods so worse that not even the Company would take them.

And so I decided to take just to expand my own perks and perhaps spare schmucks like Timothy from dealing with the horrible fates of their own making.

"Welp, looks like I'm following Astolfo's example…" I breathed out a sigh and filed out a stack of forms in under a second. In a flash, both the paperwork and Timothy vanished in a flash. No doubt was my newest Retinue member getting inducted by my family in my Demiplane.

I trusted that Amy and Baizhu would carefully induct her into rehabilitation with the other "Fallen Contractors" that I came across.

Now Timothy Evans…Ugh, I'll rename her to Tammy Abbot and her assets are mine. So, the size of my Demiplane expanded but it felt like a drop compared to the whole Universe in my dimension.

"Another one bites the dust?"

"Mmmhmm…" I sighed out to my co-worker in the neighboring cubicle. Well, he could technically see me from over the cubicle's walls due to being over eight feet tall. "How's everything with the Acquisition's Department, Yalda?"

The hulking, infernal shrugged and took a long sip of his coffee. "We got another case of a Supernova on our hands."

I inhaled sharply. "God…no…what gender?"

"Female." Okay, that's not too bad. Female contractors have been shown to be more put together than new male contractors.

"Was the build good?"

"It was rock solid, Mike. The only downside was her choice in World and choice of possession."

I raised an eyebrow. "Let me guess, she's one of those newbies who believe that they can do a better job than a canon character, who irrevocably screwed up and fucked over the world, yes?"

"Mmmmhmmm."

I shook my head. Sometimes, it is true that an outside perspective can better an already shitty world but believing that your every action will make things better in a living flexible world that's no longer fiction is downright illogical and restraining. Unless you have Memoria then you're shit out of luck with even convincing the denizens of your world that you're the possessed target.

But there have been miracles in the past, so maybe she'll make it through…?

"What world and person did she choose to inhabit?"

"Celestine Lucross in the world of Kuroinu." Nah, she's fucked.

Getting out a notepad and writing down a memo for Future!Me, I grunted, "Can I have their name, designation, and Build sheet, please?"

"Already sent it to your Email, bud." Yaldabaoth took another swig from his coffee mug.

"Thanks, Yalda."

"Don't mention it."

It's been a total of 500 years since I started working in the Retrieval Department for the Company. As a Tier X, I was given the opportunity to work in the offices in order to spice up my life in between jumps into different worlds. Though there is a 1,000 year long tenure that I have to complete if I ever want to retire. Not like it interferes with my home and family life since I'm technically there through my clones to interact with them.

Now the kind fella next to me was Mr. Yaldabaoth, he's a Tier Y, who originally belonged under The Devil's patronage before finally earning enough The Devil's favor to request a transfer to the Archduke of Eternity's department. Not that I could blame Yalda for abandoning ship since those Devil Contractors are bound to engage in PVP against one another just to even earn a smidge of their patron's respect.

Yalda's reputation was EXTREMELY bloody, so The Devil happily allowed him to dip into PVE. I'm grateful since Yalda was the only one to get me used to the new work environment.

And boy was I in need of that quick raincheck because my first retrieval case dealt with gathering the remains of a Contractor, who thought it would be clever to purchase Drain Defense, Inexhaustible, and Soul Talent before going to Hueco Mundo in the Bleach verse to attract and capture Hollows.

Too bad for him that even with Martial Talent, he wasn't going to cross the disparity between himself and the just the standard Hollows in just a week. Plus, he had no access to food, a Pocket Apartment, or anything else. He had to survive off of sand until his weak body was continually eaten alive by the packs of hungry Hollows that congregated at his location.

The sight of his mangled body being used as an everlasting Hollow buffet was not a memory I like to recall.

The way being a Retriever works is that I basically look through the list of Contractors who are active, check their recent purchase or capture dates, and observe/record their current actions in the World that they're in.

Now I only ever step in to retrieve the Contractor's perks and body when they either die or they've been inactive for at least a year. Even the "White Knights" do something and keep the Patrons entertained, so if they're not doing anything and just being a freeloader, then I'll just Black-Mark them from further getting our benefits, including Multiversal travel.

If there's one thing that the Company, and even my admittedly lenient Patron detests, it would have to be freeloaders.

Coming across one file on my desktop, I checked over the recency of the Contractor, their world, and observed their current and last action.

Sighing, I rolled my eyes and snapped my fingers. Willing myself to enter the former Contractor's starting world without any portals, fanfare, or noise. I was now standing on a rooftop, my head lightly cocked to the side as the cold winds of the night sky stood still and a round of bullets just so conveniently came whizzing straight for the back of my head.

Time Stop? Check.

Firearms? Check.

Large and overtly unnecessarily designed buildings with odd architecture? Check.

"Ugh, freaking typical…" I rolled my eyes as my Infinity casually divided the space between myself and the bullets before the force thrown behind them ceased and they fell to the ground.

Turning around, I locked in on the Ki of the attacker, who just now tried to ambush me.

"Y-You can move in my-!?" Her purple eyes widened for a fraction of a second as her hand whipped for the shield on her opposite wrist. "Who are y-?" She never had the chance to pull out that Glock 19 of hers because the clone I had made with one of my arm hairs rushed her with speeds beyond her ability to process it that she crumpled to the ground like a stringless puppet.

My clone was now approximately 300 meters away from this location with Homura Akemi's Soul Gem in hand.

"You Homuras are always such a pain in the ass to deal with." Especially for the Homura Stans, who believe it's a great idea to approach her first when choosing the Madoka Verse as their Staring World. Just because your favorite character is suffering doesn't detract that she's capable of pulling deplorable acts when you aren't the object/person of her affection.

Grabbing the girl by the scruff of her sailor collar, I dug around her clothes, uncaring if I copped a feel or not and reclaimed the dead Contractor's Company phone and Binding Stamp. "Ugh, you lot just love to be too paranoid now and stick your nose where it doesn't belong…"

This was like the 20th Homura to attempt this after killing the Contractor that makes contact with them. While this was the 72nd Death by Homura case that I had to deal with since I started working here. These emotionless bitches were deadly if you didn't have the minimum Paradox Defense or powerset to deal with her time travel and time stop bullshit.

I checked over the dead Contractor's body before calling in the guys back at the labs to pick up his body with an Evac Portal. Now my business here has been done and this world can be frozen and later regulated by the Agents to fix whatever changes that the last Contractor did to it.

So, after dumping Homura's lifeless body into the nearest dumpster that I could find and my Clone chucked her Soul Gem into the Atlantic Ocean, I returned back to my office to resume my work. Until it came time to clock out for my Company-mandated Break and I was able to decide how long said Break could as long as I return to fulfilling my duties.

So, with loads of time to enjoy myself, I called Irene to tell her I'll be home after a bit of fun with my co-workers/pals.

Gathering my Ruyi Jingu Bang, I met with the rest of guys in the breakroom as we discussed of our immediate plans.

"So, what world do you guys want to hit up?" I asked. "Kuroinu?"

"Hell no, the great Star is getting sick of conquering that world." Black Star clicked his tongue and scratched his head.

"Plus, I've had my fill of elves for a long time." Yalda chuckled.

"Okay, then…um…Maken-Ki? We've never been there before?" I suggested.

"Isn't that the World conceived and drawn by that Hentai artist?" Yalda rubbed his chin.

"Yup, and it's ass, so no!"

"Oh come on, Star! It'll fun…" I deadpanned.

"If we're only out for a quick fuck, I desire more than a cheap lay with lesser warriors from a shitty tiered World." Black Star sneered.

"Okay then what do you think we should do?" I rolled my eyes.

"Simple. We're going back to Singularity 7 so that I-I mean we can-!"

""No.""

"Wait, just let me finish! Let me finish make my point!"

I glared at my colleague, "Nuh-uh. No, you're not gonna dump the whole fight with Tiamat on us just because you want to square up with the Old Man."

"But I can actually beat him this time! Have faith in the Great Star!"

"Black Star, if Pump Daddy G wasn't there to play interference, he would have killed you." Yalda exasperatedly shook his head.

"Tch, that bastard! I would have been fine on my own, I mean, I surpassed and surmounted my Starter World's God. I just needed more time to train, and I can prove that my gains will let me get the better hand and prove that I'm the better Reaper." Ugh, so this is Black Star, he's a Tier X like me, but unlike Dragons, he went down the Psychopomp Heritage to become his World's new (backup) Death God after Lord Death and Kid. I have no clue why he was in the same department as me since he definitely belonged with the Shonen Bros that hung around under the Isekai Genie.

Yalda and I graced our challenged friend with a blink before turning to another. "So, where's Pump Daddy G?"

"Hey, don't ignore me!" We ignored Black Star.

Yalda shrugged. "He messaged me that he's in the middle of adopting Camp Half-Blood in the Riordanverse."

I blinked in surprise. "Wow, really? I mean, I'm not surprised that Pump Daddy G has the balls for that but who is he going to adopt?"

"Uh…no, he says that he's adopting all of Camp Half-Blood, Michael."

…

…

…

"Something tells me that we shouldn't have told him about the Percy Jackson series…" I nervously laughed. Even if it was someone possessing Gilgamesh's body, the intrinsic need to hate the Gods still lied within him.

"I bet that he's having a thrill with pissing of the Gods." Yalda laughed.

"Pfft! I know I would if I were in his shoes." Black Star snickered.

"But that leaves us with our main conundrum…what are we going to do?" I asked and much to my disappointment, neither of my colleagues had an idea.

Groaning, I shrugged and began to think up a good destination. "Okay, so since we're lacking in ideas, how about we go to the Invincible comics verse and exterminate an Evil version of Invincible." Honestly, there were a lot of Evil Marks out there that it made the idea so appealing.

"I'm fine with that." Yalda nodded as I began to conjured a portal to the World itself.

"I'll go, only if we get to fight the entire Viltrumite Army AND Thragg." Black Star petulantly sniffed.

"Fine, but that means you have to deal with Battle Beast should he show up." I warned but received a boisterous laugh.

"Hah! That'll be fun battle! C'mon, what are we waiting for lets go!" And like that, Black Star hopped through the portal leaving me and Yalda to get into polite argument on who said enter first before Black Star reached out of the portal to yank the hulking Tiefling after him.

"…Okay, lets kill some space nazis…" I breathed out in relief as I took that first step through the portal and didn't look back.

AN: Just a fun Omake for a potential future for the SI should he get tired of just working as a Contractor! Well, I'm Out so Peace Out and have a lovely day!