Maintaining good intentions is almost always very painful, it seems easy to resist and to implement them until reality hits us in the face like a slap that we didn't even see coming.
It had been relatively easy for Kisame to realize that Itachi was in an extremely difficult moment in his life and for this he needed his space, time and tranquility. However he had felt, in addition to the slap, a gunshot fired mercilessly in his chest after he had returned from his walk and had never found him. The feeling of love towards Itachi was more intense than he would have ever said until a few moments ago. Kisame never expected to get so lost in the void he had left by leaving, indeed, he hadn't even foreseen the much affliction caused by the fact that Itachi didn't come home with him.
Yet I had calculated it, you told me countless times that you wanted to go to Sasuke, but now I'm realizing that inside me I expected anything but. A desire I refused to admit to myself.
The unexpected conversation he had with Kakuzu had opened his eyes even more to Itachi's situation. What had happened to Nagato that day was only the tip of the iceberg; the dark-haired, despite his eyes crying out for help desperately, had kept silent about everything especially in front of him. He had learned from Kakuzu that his broken shoulder had been the end of a promising career and it was clear his manager's desire to do something for him. Kisame had understood that he had almost begged him to hire Itachi in the gym without declaring it openly.
From Itachi himself, during the conversation he had with Obito on the phone, Kisame had learned about the disaster that happened with Nagato when he discovered his work at Susanoo. He had learned from Obito that he and his brother had suffered a misfortune as children.
Kisame was trying to put the pieces back together while driving home, it was now lunch time and he couldn't wait to get back to work in order to screw himself with a hard training session made exclusively to forget. He had left without saying goodbye to anyone, not even Naruto. He had felt the world collapsing on him seeing that Itachi was gone, and to think that he had come back hastily, after speaking with Kakuzu, exclusively for him.
He had to get the pain out of his head that was now making his eyes burn with those tears he knew were too wrong and exaggerated to be allowed to show themselves. Kisame was aware of not being able to claim the exclusive in Itachi's life and heart after so little that they met. He also knew that he couldn't feel jealous towards Obito and Kakuzu who knew much more about Obito's past than he did.
Obito is the cousin, Kakuzu has known him for a lifetime, what do I expect? Yet I love you, damn it, I know it from the first time I saw you hiding behind that mask. I confessed to you about my story with Madara, you made the great effort to declare to me that you are the weasel but it almost seems as if you regretted having done so immediately after. You escape me, you keep me at a distance, I feel left out and I don't understand why.
Kisame sighed unable to get over it. Itachi was broken by life, a shattered crystal of which several people were entrusting the various fragments into his hands, this meant that they recognized in him someone perfect to be next to the dark. The biggest obstacle was Itachi himself.
That house that Kisame had adored so much until two days before had now turned into a cold prison, he even found himself hating the noise of the gate. It would have been natural to see Itachi get down from the hammock that Naruto also liked so much, to joyfully run in his direction jumping around his neck. He hated the jingle of the keys in the door, he had the impression that they had echoed in a boundless silence, in a void so impalpable and light as to make one dizzy.
He would have liked to announce I'm back as he crossed the threshold, he would have wanted someone who came to hold him in the warmth of an embrace and who, too, had only missed him for a few hours. Itachi was a taciturn person yet capable of filling that void with just his presence.
Only for me it's like this, only I rise to notice the melody of your soul behind your silence. There must be a reason why I was granted this gift that no one has.
The tears were pushing but he had decided not to let them go, it wasn't right to feel so bad both towards himself and towards Itachi's ones, on the other hand Naruto had warned him that he could have taken a tumble with the blindfold on accepting those keys that he had given him. The blond had insisted that he follow his heart as this was always the right thing to do.
Naruto, are you really sure I have all the tools I need to go through this without breaking down? I don't despair and I go on only because I trust you.
Even preparing lunch had the role of a distraction since Kisame was not hungry, he felt his stomach filled with anguish and there was no more space for food. He found Itachi in every little gesture he made. While he was cooking he realized that he was dying for the question he never asked: what would you like to eat? Followed by the never even thought: how was today?
He shook his head wondering how it was possible to feel the lack of actions never actually done, and why he happened to feel the void left by words never spoken.
Kisame had always hated dark and dim houses with narrow windows, however at that moment he felt suffocated even as he observed, looking up for a moment from the kitchen corner, his white living room brightly lit by the immense bay window.
He helped himself to his lunch without the slightest desire to swallow it. He'd sat at that table with Naruto the night their relationship changed into something else, not feeling, in the hours and days after, that jab he was now being impaled by. He couldn't help but think that the last time he sat there Itachi was facing him, he gave a small smile remembering that he had asked him for s'mores for dinner. The pain hit him again immediately after realizing that the last person to sit on the chair in front of him had been Itachi himself.
Maybe a hair of yours remained up there, some small filament of that simple overalls you had and that your magnificent body manages to make perfect. Perhaps, by crossing your legs, you accidentally left some small grains of earth on the wood of the table. Particles of you that have no reason to be here with me if you and your heart are somewhere else.
Not even as a teenager, during the tormented story with Madara, Kisame had been able to formulate such thoughts. As he struggled to swallow each bite, he imagined the conversation he would have or would like to have with Itachi if he were there to share that meal with him right now.
If you want, you can tell me what happened with Nagato.
He imagined his hands grabbing his delicate white ones across the table as he said this. He didn't think of them as cold and icy as they had been on the rare times he had touched them, but warm and welcoming and always with that beautiful purple polish on his nails. In his mind's eye he saw Itachi look down for a moment, sigh and then fix those beautiful shiny obsidian eyes back on him. When Itachi should have started the story, Kisame was lost in the fog. He had imagined a thousand ways and none that Nagato could have known the truth about Itachi's work. However, his doubts didn't end there but he expanded to devise any offensive words shouted, shoved, slapped, pulled at the hair, broken objects or something like that. But Itachi was anything but a violent person while Nagato was only towards himself.
I dare not think how much you both must have suffered in life.
That imaginary dialogue also included two questions that he would never have asked Itachi in real life but would have waited for him to speak on his own initiative. It was about wanting to know what happened to him and Sasuke as kids and how he broke his shoulder. He had guessed that the accident that occurred in childhood represented Itachi's main sense of guilt, so intense that he ended up distorting and changing his character. Kisame wondered if he really was entirely responsible for him or if he was exasperated by Itachi's situation and personality.
No, you are an intelligent and down-to-earth person, that event is something very serious.
Probably Itachi, as well as the fear of rehashing the pain by remembering this, also had that of being misjudged by the person in front of him. Kisame calmed down a little at this idea, now it was up to him to strengthen the bond with Itachi to give him the confidence he needed.
Tell me about your relationship with Sasuke.
There was no doubt now that the most important person in Itachi's life was his younger brother. However beyond the strength of their bond, Kisame had sensed a great loss probably concerning the relationship itself; Itachi's heart was torn apart, he had heard it in his voice as he called his brother's name crying in his sleep. To tell the truth even earlier, while he had surprised him asleep in front of the entrance to the gym. Although at that moment Kisame still didn't know who Sasuke was, he had already taken on the contours of an essential person.
A frightening loss, a dark, an emptiness, the more you try to hide the more you become an open book to me, I think I'm the first who doesn't stop to just look at the cover. This comes to me, moreover, natural and instinctive.
The dark haired had never mentioned his parents but only his cousins, Kisame hoped that there wasn't a past of violence and abuse behind this. A complex situation in the face of which most people would have backed down but which he felt like facing as it had never happened to him before. That's why Nagato had come to make such an extreme gesture, Itachi's reality had really been too much for a fragile person like him, the red would have needed an optimistic, positive person who was perfectly at ease in life and in his world. Able to accommodate Nagato's problems while lightening them without invalidating them.
Kisame got the tattoo of Itachi again, with that small line that adapts to the movement of the bigger one and for the umpteenth time he was certain that he too had to cradle the pain of the person he loved. He felt ready to do it like he had never been in his life, it was exactly what he wanted and it was as if he was born for it.
Do you want to tell me why you're sick? I could give you some advice.
As he washed the dishes and tidied up, Kisame couldn't help but remember how scared he had been to find Itachi curled up on the locker room floor. He had been the only one to notice that he hadn't come out and he didn't dare to imagine what could have happened if he had stayed all night thrown on the floor. The doubt that he maybe he couldn't survive had literally shriveled in his heart as soon as he had lifted that body transformed into a miserable bundle into his arms. He was so cold as to give the impression of not having even a drop of blood inside and light in an unnatural way. While Tsunade visited him, Kisame was lost in a boundless space where not even time exists. His life was on hold, his heart stopped waiting to know if Itachi's would continue to beat in order to have the confirmation of being able to continue his life too.
Both he and the doctor had agreed that he was afflicted with a heart problem, probably congenital, inexorably worsened by stress, fatigue and lack of nutrients. Surely Itachi had never led the life he was supposed to in order to get better, in fact, quite the opposite. As he dressed to go to his gym, Kisame realized that he had everything perfectly clear, how he should behave with Itachi and what he needed to get better.
Now it's all up to you. I'm here, he's up to you to open your eyes to see me.
Kisame hadn't found the relief he had hoped for in the grueling workouts he had imposed on himself. He felt a turbine of anguish spinning at full power, still digging into his stomach. He hadn't started hearing his in front of Nagato's barred armored door or even when they found him more dead than alive with his veins cut inside the shower, but she had left the moment he realized that Itachi had gone away without waiting for him and greet him; he without thinking of addressing him even a single word. He had the glute machine in full swing as she thought back to the moments he had stood next to Itachi as he lay on the stretcher. From time to time he had touched him to make him feel that he was there. He had clearly seen the contrasts that fought inside the dark when he got up to go to the bar: I desire you but I don't want to have you; you stay close to me but the more you do it the more you force me to leave you, he seemed to say.
Hidan was training next to him however at that moment Kisame looked like the one who had just finished an anger management course. The man with silver and almost glittery hair was observing him with a good-natured expression but without saying anything, in reality that evening all the people present seemed to understand that something was wrong. Although he hadn't explained to Karin what the unexpected was, they had all more or less guessed that Kisame wasn't the same since the day Itachi and Nagato had entered through that door. Kisame's eyes, to tell the truth, often turned towards the entrance, after all Itachi had oriented towards him with the aim of training and solving shoulder problems. He now he hoped that he hadn't given up on that intent.
All right, if you don't want me at least come to complete your goal.
Why did he think this? Would he really be satisfied just to see him or would that hurt him even more?
The evening that began to make its way through the large window plunged him back into anxiety making him remember that soon he would have to return home again alone. When he finally made up his mind to go take a shower and change, he was left alone. He began to think about the possibility of spending another couple of hours outside, perhaps going to some bar, however aware that it was only an excuse to delay the return home, when he heard someone enter the door. He never denied that the speed with which he exited the locker room was forced on him by the hope that it was Itachi who had arrived.
Surely Tayuya read the disappointment on his face, but a little later Kisame was certain that everything had already been taken into account. His ex-wife smiled and raised a hand in greeting, she was alone.
"I walked Hidan home, changed and now here I am. From what I see you need someone to distract you a bit, in my opinion a good drink was already going through your head even before you saw me."
Kisame nodded sincerely happy with that unexpected surprise, someone to relax and talk to was just what he needed.
Following her through the streets of downtown, Kisame couldn't help but notice how she hadn't lost her energy and the way she always managed to have something out of tune in her clothing. That evening she was wearing a pair of short denim shorts that looked decidedly limp on her, instead of flattering her shapes, flattering her further. A tank top much looser than she would actually need, tucked in at her waistband, was black with forever young written in neon pink across the front of her. All this gave her a decidedly flat look, the usual striped gypsy bag and huge disc earrings with silver floral designs on a black background completed her look. A white elastic band, a color that had nothing to do with the rest, between the long red hair to hold back the thick rebellious fringe. Kisame, however, was pleased to see how she hadn't changed one iota.
These, as Naruto had explained to him the first night they had made love, were the peculiarities that made her unique, Tayuya of her, making other people remember her.
"Clothes are made to be comfortable, I couldn't be around all day in shoes that hurt, pants that tighten or socks that leave marks even hours after you take them off" this she used to explain to him when they were still together.
Since it was starting to get hot, most of the bars were opting to put the tables outside, Kisame and Tayuya sat in a place that served appetizers based on sushi. The same street where he first went out with Madara. He had retraced it with Sarana after he disappeared. It had hurt him just by looking at it through a bus window. Finally he had seen the beginning of the story with Naruto. Even though that street was always the same, it had changed shape an infinite number of times. That evening it took on a decidedly pleasant one. The lights, the mild air and the buzz of the people awakened in Kisame the same sensations of that market where he had bought the opaline quartz that was still there, hanging around his neck, to accept every prayer for change.
They toasted smiling, she with her huge and thick beer mug had to measure strength not to shatter Kisame's thin goblet of white wine. This gesture made the static expression change into sincere laughter, despite everything Kisame managed to take the evening lightly and this certainly didn't escape Tayuya.
"It's the first time I've seen such an expression on your face Kisame. It's something that I've wanted in vain for myself for years but that was born on you in an instant, after that skinny redhead and that dark-haired guy entered the gym. However, as I already told you on that occasion, I had already seen you distracted a few days before."
She perched on her chair in her usual twisted way stuffing a piece of salmon sushi into her mouth.
"Wow, these are my favorite!" she exclaimed exultantly like a little girl finishing her chewing.
Kisame laughed again while avoiding saying anything so as not to lead her astray, he awaited the end of the speech she had begun with great interest.
He sipped his huge mug of beer before continuing: "even yours truly had never had that expression I was telling you about, I felt my facial muscles composing it for the first time in Hidan's presence and he too dedicated it to myself. You're in love, Kisame, hiding it especially from yourself would be useless."
Tayuya was always the same, she always went straight to the point in no uncertain terms, she slammed reality in your face with such obviousness as to leave you displaced; for this reason it always took some time before finding the right words to answer her. However she didn't do it indelicately, very often, like that evening, her purpose was to open the eyes of the person in front of her for her own good.
Kisame had lowered his light blue eyes to his plate for a few seconds, then he had turned his gaze again, his brow furrowed without him raising his head: "You've always been a girl who knows her stuff, you certainly can't to deny."
The redhead had placed the mug on the table producing a thud, with vigor worthy of the color of her hair: "I see that the road is a bit uphill."
Kisame straightened his shoulders allowing himself a sip of wine before continuing: "unfortunately he didn't have an easy life, he was involved in an accident as a child together with his brother. Nagato, the red you saw, his mate, after a life of extreme suffering this morning he attempted suicide. At least he will physically recover, he has only managed to get some superficial wounds, the worst ones he has in his soul.
Tayuya's brown eyes had widened as her smile died on her lips, yet Kisame badly needed to get everything out of him and she knew him enough to afford it. The woman reached across the table to grab his wrist.
"I'm sorry Kisame. I know you are an extremely sensitive, good and intelligent person, I too had noticed their sad eyes when they came that day to register. I immediately understood that that beautiful dark-haired man had broken into your heart, I saw how you watched him while he was leaving during Naruto's celebrations. What is his name? I'm sure he will join the group too, as well as Nagato. I can't wait to see you all happy."
"His name is Itachi, but I don't think that... well, I mean... I don't know yet how the situation will evolve."
To come to you.
The sentence that Itachi had said to him when he reached the gym by walking more than an hour under the sun suddenly came to his mind after he had been almost buried by all the events of that difficult day.
"Don't give up, Kisame, you need each other. True, it may take some time, but from the outside I can see all this perfect fit. Once you two are happy, Nagato will be happy too. I realize that the situation is a bit complex, if you need a friend, you know I'm the first."
Kisame looked at her slightly amazed but it was mostly from himself, it was the first time that he admitted out loud his feelings towards Itachi. Hearing them materialized in words and voice he had managed to crystallize them giving them a palpable texture.
"I've seen a true feeling like this a few times in my street, Kisame, it's impossible to get lost."
It was true. Special people were impossible to lose, such as her, Naruto and Obito, even Sasori was proof of that. Who knows, maybe hope still existed for Madara as well.
Tayuya's smile had disappeared upon hearing Nagato's news, yet her serenity had never strayed from her dark chariots. She was not a woman who was in the habit of lying or flirting, not even speaking; that's why, despite the course of that day, Kisame managed to end the evening enormously relieved.
He joked with Tayuya until after one in the morning, first at that table and then walking along the now deserted street, no longer to delay the moment of returning home, but rather because he was sincerely enjoying himself and finding new energy. He was a lucky man, surrounded by real and rare friends who sincerely loved him, he almost felt guilty for slipping into sadness just because Itachi didn't come home immediately with him.
Good things are never the easiest and you, Itachi, are a wonder that has been hidden away for far too long. It doesn't matter how many obstacles I'll have to overcome to stay by your side, I'm ready to run and even if we were to take two different paths, the silence around me would be full of my satisfaction, that of having tried. And it would be filled with my friends.