She shouldn't be here. She was royalty, dammit!

She thought discovering the existence of other worlds and fighting in a tournament to save the world was about as crazy as her life could get. But no. One day, she's back home in Malibu writing her new Mortal Kombat script, and the next, she's on this ginormous pyramid, fighting parallel variants of fighters she knew in some giant battle for the fate of the multiverse!

What the fuck?

No, seriously. What the fuck?

This was not a normal career path!

Nor was it normal to see a man dressed as Ninja Mime, whom she initially assumed to be some obnoxious fanboy, until she saw dozens of other men with the same face cribbing her style. Now, she could only assume this man, like the rest, was herself as a man, but was he pulled from the set, or a version who took method acting to the streets, or actual literal Ninja Mime: The Person whose real adventures paralleled her film series? Did that mean there was a woman somewhere on this pyramid who just played Janet Cage: World-Saving Martial Artist in movies? This whole thing was making her head hurt.

Speaking of hurt, ow, Jax really knew how to throw a punch. Literally. That rocket punch of his had Janet flat on her ass, which was anything but. Fortunately, she had a hell of a punch herself to gift him in return. A Shadow Kick closed the gap most of the way, but she had to slide low to dodge the red-hot laser fired from his chest implant, which hit some poor schmuck behind her and made them explode into a red mist. She'd have felt responsible if she wasn't fairly certain that guy had been on the evil side.

The slide brought Janet in range to smash Jax in the groin with her Shadow-powered fist, the green energy carrying a slight shade of red as it impacted the large man's most sensitive spot. If she'd hit him any harder, he'd have probably coughed his family jewels up out of his mouth. Instead, she just hit the ground, gasping for air as his cybernetic hands held and massaged the afflicted area until she kicked the back of his head and he passed out.

Good, that was one less problem to deal with. Janet had had a personal beef with Jax for a very long time. Back in the day, he'd been part of the Black Dragon group that kidnapped her and tried to sell her as a fight slave to Outworld's Empress Sindel. Fortunately, Fujin and his chosen had helped her escape from that particular predicament, and she was now one of Earthrealm's top defenders. Hence, of course, why she had been brought alongside Fujin to join this multiversal alliance. Surviving here would be rough, but she'd make a killing off the movie she was already writing in her head once it was over.

Of course… she would, in fact, need to survive that long. And it was more than just her inherent heroism driving her headfirst into danger she had no reason to get involved in, such as Shadow-Kicking a Quan Chi off the edge for that time his counterpart had her under his mind control magic (that was pure justice and nothing else); but there were also times when she was compelled by the coolness factor of the scenario she stumbled into.

Case in point: she spotted a rather handsome gentleman in sunglasses that matched her own fighting for his life against an armoured Goro wielding the four war hammers of Shao Kahn, Raiden, Reiko and Noob Saibot. Said man, she had learned as the multiversal army came together, was a male version of Janet, known as Johnny Cage. He was joined in battle by another, older, rather distinguished-looking version of himself, along with the aforementioned Ninja Mime. Janet was starting to grow slightly concerned that she was a rare variant of the much more common male superstar base. But only slightly. That only meant her star shone all the brighter for its uniqueness.

She leapt into the fray to join the three Johnnies in combatting this presumed King Goro. Even against the four of them, his wild, wide hammer swings were a serious risk to any of them, as all four seemed to know from experience. The elder of the three Johnnies took charge of the Cageverse team-up. He had the air of a real leader who knew exactly what his team was capable of. That their abilities were largely all the same did little to take away from this aura. He was a little more focused than the others, delivering more quips only than Ninja Mime, for obvious reasons. He still quipped, of course, but he seemed to be letting the others draw Goro's attention while he worked out the right moves.

As Goro took a swing for Janet herself, the elder Johnny struck, delivering a devastating red Shadow Kick to the side of Goro's knee, audibly fracturing the bone, even above the cacophony of a thousand universes waging war around them. This sent the shokan staggering into the younger Johnny's direction, right into a perfectly-timed Nut Punch. While her fellow Cage remained in the splits, Janet rocketed over him with a Flying Shadow Kick, her movement precise enough to deliver incredible force into Goro's gut without ramming into Johnny in the process, her foot touching the ground behind him while the other leg was steadied by Johnny's hand. Goro staggered back into Ninja Mime, who stopped Goro in his tracks with… was that an invisible fucking wall!?

It was! And not just one – there were three of them, the other two boxing him in from either side, right before the mute shinobi put up another wall in front of the four-armed menace. The shokan's attempt to escape his predicament after realising the immovable walls surrounded him amounted to nothing as his head hit an invisible ceiling. It seemed the master ninja had really thought ahead.

The elder Johnny called the other three to help him push, and the four Cages shoved with all their might to topple the six-sided box the once mighty Goro was trapped inside and watched it slide all the way down the massive staircase to the ground below, knocking back several of the fighters below.

It was the mime that proposed the high five, which his counterparts eagerly joined. Alas, there was precious little time for the four amigos to remain like this, as there were plenty more bad guys to deal with in every direction, including up and probably directly down, too. And so, the four warriors went their separate ways.

Ninja Mime vanished into a smokescreen that was probably set up by some version of Enenra, departing without so much as a word, like a true shinobi would.

The younger Johnny grabbed one of the discarded hammers of their fallen-and-can't-get-back-up foe, rushing over to where an allied Raiden about to have his head split in two by an axe-wielding Shao Kahn. He flung the weapon into Shao's side, staggering the man who was not wielding such a weapon for once. This allowed Raiden to grab the weapon and channel his power into it to blast Shao away like in those Thor movies.

The older Johnny was soon joined by two blonde military women that made Janet's jaw drop. One was an older version of Sonya Blade, seemingly twice the age of the one she knew. The other, much younger woman, then, could only be the two's daughter. This seemed to be confirmed when Johnny hugged the two and gave Sonya a quick peck on the lips before the trio launched themselves back into the fray.

"Well, I'll be gods-damned," Janet uttered at the sight. The idea that a version of her (technically) could end up with Sonya Blade… He was a lucky man, because that lady had aged like the finest wine in Madame Bo's supply. It seemed her counterpart had exquisite taste. Sonya Blade was-

"Oh, fuck. Not you."

-right behind her, it seemed. In her reverie, Janet had almost forgotten that Sonya was supposed to have a cybernetic left eye. That none of the other Sonyas she'd spotted thus far, good or evil, young or mature, sported one confirmed for Janet that this was the Sonya of her timeline. And Sonya was not pleased about that.

"Hey, bae," Janet greeted with her most charming smile. "What's a sweet thang like you doin' in a chaotic hellscape like this?"

"Killin' you," Sonya growled, firing her eye laser at Janet's neck, which was easy enough to dodge. A Forceball distracted Sonya, her laser going up to destroy the projectile, allowing Janet to close the gap with a Shadow Kick that fell short to allow her to slide between Sonya's legs without trouble.

Janet was on her feet again by the time Sonya whirled around to face her, finding her chin cupped flirtatiously in her opponent's hand to keep her from turning into her laser eye's field of view. Sonya thrust her butterfly knife at Janet's stomach, which the actress deftly dodged while keeping her hand on Sonya's chin. Dodging the knife and keeping out of the laser eye's view was difficult, and juggling both prevented her from seeing Sonya's swift kick to her knee coming.

Janet yelped and fell to her knees, where Sonya grabbed her harshly by the ponytail to force her head back and expose her throat to Sonya's blade, glistening in the orange and green of the chaotic battlefield around them.

"I'm takin' you out this time, Cage."

"For dinner?" Janet quipped, unfazed. "My, my! How forward of you, Ms. Blade!"

Sonya angrily thrust her dagger for Janet's throat, but the superstar yanked her head down at just the right time to grab the blade with her teeth. Not only was her dazzling smile perfectly white at all times, but her teeth were also made incredibly strong by Hollywood's finest narcissist techniques. With Sonya stunned by this sudden turn and distracted by her flirtatious wink, Janet launched herself into a Shadow Uppercut from her knees, launching Sonya into the air and freeing the dagger from her grip.

Janet repositioned the blade to hold it sideways in her mouth, all the while moving into position to catch Sonya in a bridal carry. With the knife between her teeth like the pirate equivalent of a rose, Janet grinned at Sonya, who was actually starting to blush. Sonya slowly reached up and slid the knife from between Janet's teeth.

"Impressed yet?" Janet asked cockily.

Sonya smiled, then thrust for Janet's face. Janet moved her head to avoid the attack, then pinned Sonya's outstretched arm between her shoulder and neck with a grip strength that stunned Sonya. Sonya then popped a hidden blade from the gauntlet on her left wrist and went for the chest. Janet's arm was holding Sonya around her back, and with her right arm pinned, playfully tickling her exposed armpit was child's play. Sonya's shocked convulsion stopped her from hitting Janet's body with her blade while the actress released Sonya to give herself room to grab her foe's free arm. Sonya knew Janet was toying with her, and that, as per usual, infuriated her to no end.

Sonya's legs were free now, allowing her to jump onto her back, dragging Janet along the arc with her, and tuck in her legs to nail Janet in the gut as they came down. From that hit, Janet was winded, allowing Sonya to bounce her a few times on her feet to make sure all the wind was fully knocked out of her and to loosen her grip on Sonya's arms. Once freed from her opponent's grasp, Sonya wrapped her long, powerful legs around Janet's neck. Many a man had met his end to this technique while grappling with her – they called Sonya 'Lethal Legs' for a reason.

But Janet Cage was not so easy to finish off. She forced herself up onto her knees and lifted Sonya off the ground and slam her down onto the floor. Then, she pushed herself to her feet, lifting Sonya even higher. And then, she swung her upper body around wildly, letting Sonya's body act as an anchor in her drunken sway to add more momentum to each motion. Sonya struggled a little to hold on, but she was more than experienced enough to maintain her grip like this. That is, until Janet swung her at the wall of the pyramid.

Janet felt Sonya's vice-like grip loosening with each of the three wall-bound swings she made with her foe's body. After the third, Sonya pulled back her legs, tucked them in between the two's chests and with both feet, kicked Janet back away from the wall, which Sonya slid down. This was around the point that Janet decided it was probably best to put an end to this fight before Sonya got the better of her again.

As Janet closed the gap, Sonya grabbed a fistful of dust or sand or whatever it was that littered the surface of the pyramid, and blew it in Janet's face, sending the actress staggering back again, buying time for Sonya to get to her feet. Janet's eyes were fine, but the lenses that protected her were now completely obscured. She slowly pulled her sand-coated sunglasses down from her face, exposing the clean area around her eyes, surrounded on all sides by dirt, like some comedic aftermath of a laboratory explosion scene.

Sonya, despite herself, was unable to suppress a grin and a chuckle at the state of her foe. Janet's own lips curled, in spite of how awful her face must look right now. She tossed her sunglasses aside and withdrew another pair from inside her sports bra, deep within her cleavage. She noticed that Sonya's gaze lingered ever so slightly as she did this.

"Ms. Blade!" Janet exclaimed in mock scandal, akin to some proper lady from the 1800's. "It's improper to stare at another lady's bosom. Even if said bosom is a ten out of ten."

"Hollywood fakery," Sonya retorted as she used the wall at her back for support to push herself back to her feet.

"Nuh-uh," Janet declared proudly, puffing out her chest. "Go ahead. Turn on that blue lightbulb of yours and take a look."

While evidently a little perturbed that her mortal foe was encouraging her to use her x-ray vision to confirm the authenticity of her breasts, Sonya did as bidden, and her human eye widened in astonishment. "God-DAMN!"

"I know, right?" Janet smirked, basking in the positive appraisal. "All natural, baby! That's why I'm the Queen!"

Sonya shook her head to clear it of all thoughts concerning Janet's impressive chest. Then she fired a laser at Janet, who deftly limboed under it before throwing her body forward to close the gap once more, leaping at Sonya to knee her in the face. Sonya pulled off a perfectly-timed backwards handspring, catching Janet around the waist with her legs and slamming her head-first into the ground behind her.

Janet was left borderline concussed by the impact, unable to do much of anything with how discombobulated she'd been rendered. This allowed Sonya to slowly stalk around her like a lioness eyeing up her wounded prey. She stood over Janet and then dropped to her knees, straddling the actress' midsection. She withdrew another knife from her ankle holster and held it above Janet's head while the other hand flicked off her new sunglasses and held her around the throat to keep her pinned.

"What do you want written on your tombstone, Cage?" the Aussie lass asked sadistically.

For Janet, there was only one thing that came to mind:

"Fuck, you're gorgeous," Janet said without a single active thought passing through her head between the question and the reply. She simply said what she felt, and Sonya's cheeks were soon burning up again.

"Why do you always 'ave to be so difficult?" Sonya demanded, shifting her hand from Janet's throat to the strap of her top so she could better shake her body in frustration. "Why are you like this!?"

"Because your legs look amazing in those yoga pants."

"Wh- Th…Thanks?"

"And these abs…" Janet ran a hand over Sonya's exposed midsection with the gentle, delicate caress with which one would handle a priceless artefact. "Magnificent…"

"Um… Y-Yours aren't… bad either…" Sonya reluctantly admitted.

"Not as amazing as yours," Janet scoffed weakly. "I'm jealous, truth be told."

"Wot, mate? Are you mental? Look at these." Sonya slid back, resting over Janet's hips to better see the other woman's stomach. "You've got these things an' you're jealous a' me?"

"Yeah. Here, feel." Janet took Sonya's hands in hers, bringing her left to rest on Janet's stomach, while the right was moved to Sonya's. Sonya had to release her blade to feel the difference. Despite having the more muscular arms, it seemed Janet Cage's build was more top-heavy, while Sonya's area of focus was her legs. Their respective lower torsos showed this difference quite clearly.

"Well, I'll be…"

"See? Never skip leg day, huh?"

Sonya's lips curved up and she let out a small half-chuckle. "Never. An' what about you? Those arms'a yours look bloody great. How much you benchin' these days?"

"Enough to lift a magnificent muscle mommy like a perfect pretty princess." There was that blush! There wasn't a man or woman alive that could resist the charm of Janet's amazing alliterative assault.

"You really are incorrigible, Cage," Sonya said, averting her eyes, her tone betraying her inability to dislike it.

"Say that to my face, Sonya."

Sonya's gaze returned to Janet's, locking with her own as she lowered herself until she was only inches away from Janet's face. "You're incorrigible, Cage."

"Call me Janet."

"Piss off, Janet."

"I love it when you talk dirty to me."

"I'll rip your heart out."

"You've already stolen it."

Sonya then stole Janet's lips, the two fighters' mouths grappling for dominance, neither one willing to submit to the other, even in this contest of carnal passion. Both were determined to be the winner, as they would be in any other conflict, their pride compelling them both to struggle and battle and win against her nemesis.

Janet pulled Sonya down and rolled her over to straddle her criminal opponent. Then, Sonya did the same. Both rose to their knees and tried to be higher than the other, superior to the other, dominant to the other. But even with the slight height advantage offered by Sonya's longer legs, the two remained on equal footing as their hands roamed over one another's backs, high and low. Janet fiddled with Sonya's hair. Sonya squeezed Janet's famously tight buttocks. The fire of the battle around them paled before the fiery passion that burned brightly within the two – a fire that could burn the realms to cinders should it manage to get out.

"You're so hot," Janet gasped.

"You're almost as hot," Sonya responded in kind.

"I love you."

"I- Yeah, fuck. You're my celebrity crush."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"You wanna get out of her?"

"In a bit."

"I dunno if this is really the place to-"

"Do a Ninja Mime and kiss me."

As requested, Janet said nothing, keeping her famously loud and verbose mouth shut, unless allowing passage for her or her new lover's tongue.

Who would have thought that Janet would take part in this massive, multiversal conflict she barely had the capacity to understand, but would end up feeling more out of her depth in a much smaller romantic entanglement she found along the way? She'd been married before, but this level of passion was altogether new. It was hot, exciting. Sonya was hot, exciting. Janet decided then and there that Sonya Blade would soon be Mrs. Sonya Cage, her reformed tough-as-nails wife, living happily with her in her Malibu mansion. And from how eagerly Sonya wrapped her arms and lips and legs around her, she doubted she'd say 'no'.

Jax managed to stagger his way over to where his boss was engaged with her nemesis in passionate kombat, struggling to be the top in this blossoming relationship. His metal hand fell from the lump on the back of his head as he stared in disbelief. "Sonya, what the fu-"

Back in October, I received the revelation that Janet Cage and Evil Sonya from the M1K finale could make such a fun couple with a Batman/Catwoman type dynamic. My musings on the subject proved oddly popular on Twitter and even resulted in a couple of fanarts for the pair.

One unused idea was for Janet and the Johnnies to all Shadow Kick the box from each side to crush Goro inside. But given Johnny's reluctance to kill early on, it made sense that Janet and the younger Johnny would not be so eager to join in, so the more comedic direction was taken.

#MortalMay