"Hey, you okay?"
The question sounded like it was muffled by water. Given how blurry everything looked, it may as well have been. She could keep drifting if she really wanted to.
"Hell to Loonie!" Fingers snapped twice.
She blinked. A whine escaped her throat. She pressed her arms down on either side to sit upright. This room didn't look like anywhere she had been before. There was a lot of red on the walls and furniture.
"Oh, thank Satan," said the voice to the side. "I was afraid you were glitching out or something. Last thing we need is a Neo shutting down the Matrix this early in your second life."
She looked over and down. The speaker appeared to be cartoonish. He had exaggerated eyes with yellow whites and red irises. Did someone burn away a patch of his face and leave a pale scar?
"Blitz?" she asked. "How are you real? Where are we?" She tapped her cheek and pretended to cough. "The f** is wrong with my voice?"
"Your voice is perfect, sweetie," insisted Blitzo. "We're in your bedroom right now. As for how either of us are real, well… Are you sure you want an existential crisis after you just woke up?"
She gasped as she looked around. It felt as if part of her spine had twitched. A bushy tail slowly whipped against her left side. She reached up both of her hands and felt ears on top of her head.
"Holy s**t." Loona let her arms drop. "That digitization worked. I'm… Loona."
"There we go!" Blitzo leaned up on the tips of his feet. He rubbed the fur on Loona's head between her ears. "That's a good girl."
Loona gripped Blitzo's hand with her own. "Please, don't make a habit of petting me."
Blitzo pulled back his arm into a mockery of a salute. "No promises." He cupped his hands together and smiled. "Digital or not, you're my daughter now. That means I've got to spoil you rotten! What do you want for breakfast?"
"Does food mean anything here?" Loona asked. "We're digital consciences, right? What's the point of eating?"
"It's a good way to kill time," said Blitzo.
"Oh." Loona looked to the side. "Sure, whatever. Bacon and eggs or something."
"Coming right up!" Blitzo turned around. "Why don't you get dressed while I'm cooking? I'll let you know when it's ready." He walked out and closed the door behind him.
"New objective added: Get ready for the day," said a mechanical voice.
Loona yelped at the words that appeared at the top of her vision. She shook her head, slid off the bed, and stood up. She thought she was mostly standing with her toes, yet that felt natural. Her tail pushed against the bed and convinced her to walk toward the vanity desk. She saw the reflection of her new life.
She was a hellhound, complete with a torn ear, long gray mane, a muzzle and snout for a face, and eyes with red whites and white irises. She was currently wearing pink night clothes with a red valentine design over the chest area. The phrase at the top of her vision scrolled to the side for new text.
"Please select your outfit."
Two stylized arrows appeared on the left and right of her reflection. After a brief pause, she lifted her index finger and tapped the right arrow. Instantly, her night clothes were replaced by a red, plaid jacket. Raising her brow, she pressed the arrow again. Her clothes became a red dress that she recognized as a casual party outfit.
One more click of the arrow, and she was wearing as close to business attire as the real Loona would ever accept. It was a gray top that left her shoulders revealed. A spiked, black collar fit comfortably around her neck. Down below, she had slightly torn black shorts with a crescent moon image. Her tail swished in approval and the arrows faded away.
"Loonie, breakfast is ready!" called Blitzo.
…
Loona instinctively flattened her ears during the van ride. Between the screeching in the radio's background noise and Blitzo's off-key singing, it felt like her head was getting crushed. She was fighting really hard not to bark.
After drifting around a sharp turn, the van tilted forward until it abruptly stopped. The back wheels slammed down onto the road, sending a ripple through the rest of the vehicle. Loona gripped the seat underneath her while she tried to slow her breaths. Meanwhile, Blitzo shuffled through his pockets and pulled out a megaphone.
"M and M! Get out here!" he hollered at the two-story building of bricks and windows. "You're going to be late!"
A scrappy imp burst out of the front door. She was soon followed by a well kept imp. He adjusted his bow-tie and gently shut the damaged door as he left. The pair scrambled into the backseat of the van.
"Hot d**n, you got a Loona!" exclaimed Millie with a wide grin.
"About time," agreed Moxxie. "I was getting tired of pulling an overtime shift for file work."
Loona raised her brow. "Uh, nice to meet you too?"
Blitzo shifted the car into Drive and sped away from the apartments.
"How long you been in the program?" asked Millie.
"I think this is my first day," answered Loona.
"You think?" echoed Moxxie.
Loona shrugged. "Well, for all I know, they might have f**ing deleted my memories after multiple runs."
Moxxie held his chin. "Fair point."
"What about the rest of you?" asked Loona. "How far back do you remember being in the system?"
"Mox and I have been in here for three months." Millie pulled her husband close.
"Yep," said Moxxie.
"And you, Dad?" Loona looked beside her.
Blitzo's eyes went wide. From outside, the van looked like it slipped back and forth between the lanes. He gripped his collar and pressed the horn once before straightening the wheel.
"Sir, what are you doing?" Moxxie gripped the seat in front of himself.
"No, I'm fine, I just…" Blitzo exhaled. "I wasn't expecting to hear you say that for at least eight adventures." He glanced to his side. "What was the question?"
"How long have you been in here?" Loona moved her index finger to draw imaginary circles.
"Oh, since the beta test last year." Blitzo regained his composure. "I think my heart skipped a beat. Are you sure you're ready to call me Dad?"
"Well, yeah," said Loona. "I don't have anyone else that fits the title."
Millie blinked twice. "Wow, I don't think I've ever seen him cry before."
"Shut the f**k up, Mills!" Blitzo's eyes watered. "Let me have this."
Moxxie sighed and he held out $10. Millie happily grabbed the bill.
…
Blitzo zipped around the I.M.P. office. He showed Loona the main area for clients, his backroom office, and the break room.
"And this will be your desk." He showed off the area with a monitor and a bone phone. "Any questions?"
"Yeah, how do the murders work?" asked Loona.
"Mox, make yourself useful and give her the boring exposition." Blitzo yanked the group into the meeting room. He quickly smeared some markings off the whiteboard.
Moxxie twitched. "It's not boring, sir. It's-"
"Thorough!" Millie interjected.
"Thank you, honey." Moxxie nodded. He grabbed a marker and started illustrating his points. "What we have in the virtual hell is one digital layer of essentially eight basements. Each of the seven circles that Hazbin and Helluva introduced has their own basement recreated that we can log into. The uppermost basement is a facsimile of Earth completely occupied by NPCs that resemble humans. Anytime we get a client, they're randomly assigned one of the NPCs and given a motivation for their desired revenge. We use the book to log into the living world, unalive the target, and return to base once we're done."
"Oh, so there's a virtual Grimoire," said Loona. "Wait, does that mean there's a Stolas here too?"
"Ugh, don't remind me," groaned Blitzo. "The feather-brain was one of the alpha runners for this digital space. Once you ask, he never shuts the f**k up about it."
A distorted scream interrupted him. Blitzo shuffled through his pockets and pulled out a cell phone. He slid a hand over his face before he answered.
"I heard you talking s**t about me," said a smooth voice on the speaker.
"I was about to change the subject," said Blitzo.
"I didn't say stop. I get all tingly when I listen to that filthy mouth of yours." The voice chuckled.
"Save it for the end of the month, Stolas." Blitzo gripped his phone tighter. "I'm at work."
"It's only days away," pointed out Stolas. "See you soon, Blitzy."
There was a beep as Blitzo pocketed his phone.
"Huh." Loona's ear wiggled. "He didn't use nearly as many innuendos as I was expecting."
"And if he knows what's good for him," said Blitzo, "he never will when anyone else is within earshot." He shook his head. "But enough about Prince High-Dicks, we've got to start your training."
He led Loona to his backroom office and pulled away a fake painting. He pressed four buttons on a safe and pulled out the ornate book inside.
"Here, flip through to the bookmark," he instructed. "You're going to want to get familiar with how that portal spell feels to cast. That's our go-to for starting and ending every mission."
"Makes sense." Loona's eyes swiveled as she studied the open book. There was a faint glow permeating the cover. It felt like her heart was somehow racing and slowing down at the same time.
"Learned: Portal to Earth."
"Do those windows show up every f**ing time something happens?" asked Loona.
"Yes, but they're only annoying if you react to them," said Moxxie.
"You'll get used to them before you know it," added Millie.
"Alright, go ahead and open that portal," said Blitzo. "I've got a sandbox for you to run through on the other side."
While Loona held the Grimoire in one hand, she waved her other hand at a wall. She felt her mouth involuntarily sound out gibberish syllables. A red oval appeared in the wall as well as an entirely different environment through the opening. She slipped the book into the digital hammer space and hopped through the portal.
"Oh, come on!" Moxxie exclaimed. "That one looks easier than the one you set up for my first day!"
"I like to stay in character." Blitzo shrugged.
The portal closed, shutting the argument away from Loona's hearing range. She was now in a large rectangular space, surrounded by trees and bushes. The colors reflected as if sitting in yellow sunlight.
Three dark targets in the shape of humanoids popped out of the ground. Loona looked around and she growled.
"Objective: Defeat the targets with unarmed strikes."
Loona ran up to one of the targets and sliced it up with her claws. The shreds dissolved into digital dust. She ran over to the next target and used her foot to sweep at the target's ankles. She stomped on the fake head. Then, she pounced on the third target. Her fangs dug into its neck and ripped the generic head off.
As the dummy faded away, ten more showed up in various poses. Before Loona could take another step, a table rose out of the ground. A few guns of different shapes were spread out.
"Objective: Defeat the targets with firearms. Unarmed strikes will not count for this section."
The dummies moved from side-to-side. Loona picked up a 9mm pistol in each hand and fired. Bullets zipped through the targets' heads. A few of her shots went wild. Her guns clicked empty as two of the dummies were still swerving around.
She threw the pistols to the side and jumped for a shotgun. She ran over and pumped the spread through a dummy's chest. The last one, she ran up and blasted in the head.
"Oh, hell the f**k, yes." Loona grinned.
"Training mission: Complete."
The weapons and table vanished into data particles. A series of high-pitched barks were accompanied by a buzzing noise. Loona raised her brow before looking at her pocket. She pulled out a cell phone that showed the caller as "Blitz".
"Perfect, Loonie! I knew you'd pass, no problem," said Blitzo's voice. "Come on back."
"Sure thing, Dad," replied Loona.
There was an odd whimpering over the phone.
"Sir, are you crying again?" asked Moxxie.
"No, I just got some coffee in my f**ing eyes!" shouted Blitzo.
Loona gasped and hung up. She pulled the Grimoire out of her inventory and cast the portal spell. She jumped in as soon as the portal opened.
"Blitz, are you okay?" Loona rushed in front of him. "How bad's the coffee burn?"
"The what?" Blitzo rubbed his eyes. "Oh, uh… would you look at that? Your concern magically healed the boiling sensation. Eh heh."
Moxxie and Millie gave each other a knowing glance.
Loona sighed. "Hey-Zeus crisps, don't joke like that, old man."
"Aw, come on," said Blitzo. "An imp in his mid-forties isn't that old."
"And I'm canonically 22," pointed out Loona. "None of us are spring chickens here."
"Wow, a full office roast." Millie stared wide-eyed.
"So… excited for your first day?" asked Moxxie.
"Excited is a strong word." Loona's tail whipped the floor once. "I feel like I'm ready for it, at least."
"Great to hear." Blitzo put his hands together and stood up. "I'll give you some time to get situated. There's typically a lull before the first clients show up. So, we should have plenty-"
The door burst open, creating some cracks in the attached wall. All of I.M.P.'s employees turned to stare. It looked like a cancer cell had sprouted legs and was marching into the office. A mutilated hand reached out of the tumorous mass. It was holding a Polaroid picture of a human wearing a white coat.
"This glorified quack pulled the plug on my life support before I was ready," said the client. "Make him suffer like I am now!"
Blitzo tilted the photograph, then flipped it for the rest to see. "Okay, just send the payment. We'll let you know when he's under dirt."
The cancer cell moved its limb toward a floating blue window. It tapped a couple places before the window read, "Credits transferred." The client squelched as they waddled out.
Loona suddenly went cross-eyed. She squinted as she stared at the photo. Before she knew it, she was sniffing at the air around herself. When she closed her eyes, colored streams filled her mind.
"What is this scent?" she wondered. "It's really dry, really hot, and smoke from broken air conditioners." She opened her eyes. "Phoenix, AZ."
"Huh," Moxxie thought out loud. "So, they did give her character model that ability."
"Alright, gang. We've got our target and even a head start on the location." Blitzo reached into Loona's inventory and pulled out the Grimoire. He opened a new portal on the floor. "Millie, you take point. Loona, seek and destroy. Moxxie, meat shield."
"On it!" exclaimed Millie.
"Whatever," said Loona.
"What the f**k, sir?" asked Moxxie rhetorically.
Each of them jumped into the portal after their respective line.
"Mission Start: Kill the malpractice doctor. Any method is acceptable."