Chapter 33

Everything was a blur for Steve. He didn't remember getting into the ambulance or the journey to the hospital. He didn't remember being prevented in going into the treatment room or him being treated for shock himself. He didn't remember being told Lottie had to go for emergency surgery or how he came to be sitting on the floor of a corridor staring at his blood stained hands laid open in his lap which shook slightly waiting for news.

"Steve? … Steve?" he heard distantly but continued to stare at his blood stained hands. It was only when a hand forced his chin upwards that he realised Kate was crouched on the ground in front of him looking worried. "Steve, talk to me. Are you ok?" she begged.

"Yeah … I'm … I'm alright," he said trying to sound he was fine but his voice said otherwise.

"Any news?" Kate asked and only had a shake of the head reply. "Come on, let's get you up. You need a hot drink at least." She helped him to his feet and wrapped a warm arm around his back to support him which he couldn't help responding to. He seemed to melt into her and gingerly they made their way down the corridor to a drinks machine. Kate sat Steve down before buying them both a cup of sugary tea and handed one to him. Steve had never looked so small and fragile to her before, like a shell shocked soldier returned home from war. He held the plastic cup but didn't drink from it. He always hated hospital machine tea and coffee. Tasted like piss to him.

"Is he alive?" Steve asked as Kate sat down.

"Yeah. He's been sent to a different hospital of course but the bullets went clean through him. He's had to have a bit of surgery which is ongoing but he'll pull through. Everyone is thinking of you and Lottie, Steve and your parents have been contacted. They are planning on flying in from London. The gaffer is going to get them from the airport and have them escorted here so you don't need to worry about that." Steve just blinked in response looking into his cup of tea.

"Kate, do you believe in karma?"

"Karma? I've never really thought of it. Why?"

"… If she dies, it's finally caught up to me. It's my punishment. I caused all of this" he muttered. Kate reached out and put a hand on his hoping he would respond to the gesture but he didn't react.

"You did nothing. He was the one who took her, he was the one who stalked her and he was the one who tried to destroy the both of you for months. You did nothing wrong," she tried to reassure him but he shook his head as silent tears began to fall from his eyes.

"Yes I did … It's been twelve years but I did it. This is karma catching up to me for what happened."

"What did you do Steve? Help me understand," Kate asked. Finally, Steve lifted his head and looked at her on his own accord.

"You may never want to speak to me again … When she was four years old, technically, I killed her." Kate didn't know how to respond. Instead she watched as Steve brought the hot sugary liquid to his mouth via his left hand and drank it entirely in three large gulps. It burnt the inside of his mouth and throat but he didn't feel a thing. Instead he felt the grip from Kate's long thin fingers interlace with his left hand and tighten.

There were a few minutes of silence before Steve had the courage to speak again.

"It was the build up to Christmas and I was 15. I was a cocky shit of a teenager as you can imagine. I was at that age where I hated everyone apart from my friends and I resented that Lottie existed. I didn't want to be around her and I was constantly babysitter as mum and dad had to work. I didn't appreciate the cost of child care and the work it took to raise two children in London and have two parents working full-time. I had gotten hold of a fake ID and went to an off licence I'd never been to before so I wouldn't be identified as being underage. I bought a bottle of Pimm's and once I was out of the shop I went down an alleyway round the back of a pub. I had a backpack with me and I decanter the alcohol from the glass bottle into my water bottle and threw away the glass one so there was no evidence. I get home, shove the backpack in my room and begin my evening as usual. Mum and dad were going to my uncle and aunts house for dinner. I didn't want to go so I got stuck babysitting again. Time passed by, I don't remember how long but … I was in the living room and I hear this weird noise above my head." He paused and let out a shaky breath. "I don't know what it is and I go looking for Lottie. It's past her bedtime so I go into her room and she's walking around the floor and falling over. She starts screaming and I don't understand what's happening … It's then that I see it. My water bottle sticking out from under her bed."

It was with that last sentence that all the pieces began to fall into place for Kate. The big secret that Lottie mentioned when high. The reason why Steve was so protective. The reason why Lottie was never allowed alcohol. The reason why Steve didn't talk about his past. Why her nickname for him was Pimm. Kate didn't say a word, and kept her focus on him. Steve's breathing and voice began to shake with emotion but he kept going.

"She had a habit when she was young, which she still has, of leaving drinks all over the place. You ever notice? We kept knocking over the cups that she would leave around on the floor so mum got her into the habit of using water bottle to cause less damage to the carpets in our house. Sometimes you would find a water bottle abandoned on the stairs or in the middle of the floor in a room and a few hours later it would be gone, reclaimed by her. She must have gotten into my bag and thought that the colourful liquid in the clear bottle was apple juice or something and one of her bottles … She then starts vomiting all over the floor and she's screaming her head off. I don't know what to do so I picked her up and put her in the bath so if she carries on throwing up I can get her cleaned up. I go back into her room to get clean clothes and find out how much she has drunk and all of a sudden I hear a thud and silence … I freeze … I don't know what to do but I manage to get back into the bathroom and … she's on the floor face down on the bathroom mat … blood was coming from her head … She managed to climb out and fallen …."

That was the breaking point for him. He couldn't hold back his tears and his breathing became panicky.

"Steve, I need you to take slow deep breaths ok? In …. And out … In …. And out" she instructed guiding him through his panic attack and managed to get him back on track after a couple of minutes.

"I called an ambulance –"

"You don't have to finish the story Steve," Kate cut him off but he shook his head.

"I have to or it will kill me." He took a few more deep breaths and wiped his face dry with the back of a hand. "I called an ambulance because I didn't know what to do. The wait was agony and I tried to wake her but I couldn't … They were there in a few minutes but it felt like eternity. A neighbour rang my mum and dad having seen the ambulance and the next thing I know they are ringing the house and I couldn't tell them anything. I froze! … At one point her heart stopped and the thought of I killed my baby sister all for the cost of a bottle of Pimm's made me sick to my stomach. It was only for a minute her heart stopped but it fucked me up so badly I still have nightmares about it. And now …"

That was the point where he couldn't go on. Kate pulled Steve towards her and held him close in her arms, his head resting on her shoulder as he cried.

"This isn't karma Steve. Yes you made a mistake but you are a good man. One of the best I know and my best friend. You learnt from it and became the man you are. You became a great police officer helping people not make the same mistake. You know it and Lottie knows it too. You know that if she was here right now she would be telling you that you can't live in the past. You can't blame yourself for a teenage mistake."

"I can if she dies," he mumbled into her neck.

"That isn't going to happen, I know it. You know how stubborn she is. She's not going anywhere with this case not at an end. Nor am I going anywhere. I'll never abandon you Steve. I need you … And so does Lottie … We'll take this one day at time, ok?" Kate asked now feeling emotional herself. Steve lifted his head off her shoulder and nodded. They locked eyes with each other and he nodded again.

"One day at a time," he muttered before pulling her into a warm embrace they both needed.

"Steve Arnott?" a woman asked approaching Steve and Kate.

"Yes, is Lottie alive?" he asked standing up, quickly followed by Kate.

"Yes she is, but she is in intensive care. I'm Doctor Ardil, one of the doctors who treated her on arrival. The bullets entered her chest and abdomen. The one which entered her chest had punctured a lung causing it to collapse. The one which entered her abdomen impacted her liver. A section of it had to be removed but the liver has the capability to regenerate and given she is young and strong she may be able to live a normal life because of it. The bullets have been removed and we have repaired what damage we can right now. There may be other surgeries for further repair depending on how she responds to treatment. It is her brain that is causing us the most concern. Given she was deprived of oxygen for so long the impact could mean that she may have serious brain damage. We can't say for certain how badly until we get tests run. I'm going to be blunt as I know you want honesty. She should be dead given how long she went without oxygen. She shouldn't have survived the ambulance journey, her time in A+E or her surgery, but she did. She clearly wants to live. However, I am not going to give you the impression that she is going to pull through because I honestly don't know. She is in a coma, we've put her on life support to give her as much help as we can and that's all I can say to you. It's over to her now. Have your parents been sent for?"

"Yes they have," Kate answered before Steve could.

"I would advise the sooner they get here the better."

"Can I see her?" Steve asked.

"Of course you can. Both of you. It's a two person maximum in her unit by the way for when your parents get here. She has a tube in her throat and will be wired up to other machines as well. Again, saying it to be honest, it's going to shock you but it is to help her."

Steve and Kate followed Doctor Ardil hand in hand to Lottie's room. She was right to prepare them. Seeing Lottie so pale and wired up to so many machines was hard to look at.

"Can I hold her hand?" Steve asked unsure.

"Yes and I highly recommend it as well as talking to her. Coma patients do not seem to hear or respond but that doesn't mean that they can't. It will give her some peace as well as you. If you need anything just call for a nurse and I'll be sent for," Doctor Ardil said with a soft smile.

"Thank you for everything," Steve replied.

Doctor Ardil went to leave but stopped at the door and turned back round. "By the way, before we went to theatre she came round. It wasn't long but she said something. Given her lung we couldn't really make it out. It sounded like 'window'. I don't know if that means something but I wanted you to know that it gives me hope her brain might be ok."

Kate and Steve watched her go. "Window?" Kate asked confused. She watched Steve's face turn from confusion to realisation.

"Not window. Willow. The willow tree on the Nicholas's farm. He paints it all the time. That's where Christopher is."