A New Beginning
Chapter 3: Pain and Desires
Harry woke with a groan and barely managed to sit up enough to vomit into the bowl Severus held in front of him just in time to catch what came up, which was mostly just bile to be honest. Severus rubbed his back gently and whispered comforting things to him which Harry could barely pay attention to over the pain in his chest and the taste in his mouth.
"Sev," Harry groaned as he laid back down, hand clutching his stomach.
"I'm here, Harry," Severus said gently.
"What is the date?" Harry asked after a few moments of deep, shaky breaths, "The last few weeks have been kind of a blur,"
"It's the thirty first of August," Severus said, placing the lips of a vial against Harry's, causing Harry to look at him with wide eyes. Severus looked sadly at him, but his eyes held some understanding also, "It's a morning sickness reliever. I also have a nutrient potion and pre-natal vitamin potion for you to have with breakfast,"
"Sorry," Harry mumbled before gulping the potion down and sighing in relief as his stomach stopped lurching.
"There is no need to apologise, Harry. It is completely understandable,"
"Erm, why aren't you at Hogwarts? I mean, term starts tomorrow, and of course I want you here, need you here really, but Dumbledore,"
"Has given me leave for a year," Severus cut him off, shocking Harry with his words.
"Really? Why?"
"I went to him this morning and told him the Dark Lord needed me to go away for a while to do some research and to try and recruit some more potion masters to the Dark. Dumbledore has bid me leave for the year to do so but to actually try and sway them to the Light, somehow, without the Dark Lord finding out. But in any case it is mostly a ruse so that I can stay here and help you. Not that Dumbledore knows that. He has no clue you have come here,"
"You're gonna stay with me?" Harry said, tears springing to his eyes as he looked at the man.
"Always, Harry," Severus said, running his fingers gently through Harry's hair.
"Why would he agree to it, though?"
"Well, given that he also didn't tell me that you had gone missing, I have to presume, based on the excited gleam in his twinkling eyes that he agreed to have me go away so that he wouldn't have to tell me when you never showed up at Hogwarts. He would have to tell me then because of my vow to protect you. And I would have then been forced to find you and protect you, and at that point it would have been to protect you from him and the Order, since they were hurting you. I would have protected you from them even without the vow, though,"
There was a knock on the door and Harry flinched, Severus rubbed his arm gently and called out to them. The twins entered the room with a large tray of hot food that smelled amazing to Harry. But he was nervous as he sat up and it was placed in the centre of the bed.
He saw that there were four plates containing a basic full English breakfast, though without the eggs because the smell of them made Harry sick. There were also four glasses of orange juice.
Harry's stomach grumbled but he was scared.
"Harry," Fred said as he and George sat down opposite Harry and Severus, "It's okay. George and I made this ourselves,"
"There are no potions, poisons or any other additions that will hurt you or the baby. Just food and orange juice. We even didn't do eggs because we know the smell of them makes you sick,"
"Harry, child," Severus said, and Harry tore his eyes away from the food, "You need to eat,"
"I know," Harry whispered.
"I know you're scared. I know you have been through something that should never have happened to you. But you can trust the twins to make you food that doesn't have any additives. They have never given you a bad potion before, have they?"
Harry shook his head, and his stomach grumbled again.
"Then give it a go, Harry. For yourself, and for your baby. And it's okay if you can't eat all of it, but you need to eat something,"
"O-okay. I'll try," Harry said quietly, and they smiled at him.
The large tray divided into 4 smaller trays and Severus put Harry's on his lap before taking one for himself, and three of them dug into their food, Severus complimenting the twins on their cooking, and the twins blushing at them, not used to many compliments.
Harry, however, stared at the food for another minute or so before picking up the piece of toast that sat on a side plate and starting to nibble on it. He sighed gratefully when no shield appeared and he didn't start vomiting, and he continued to eat, but he took it slow.
He only managed to eat about half of the food on his plate before he had to stop, his stomach full. Severus handed him the potions and he drank them, grimacing at the taste of them before gulping down some of his orange juice.
"Thank you," Harry said, sighing slightly as he placed his hand on his stomach and felt the little ball of magic in him, telling him that his baby was alive.
"Where's Tom?" Harry asked.
"He's in a meeting," Fred said, "He said he would be up afterwards to check on you, and talk if you are feeling up to it,"
Harry nodded, looking down, unsure of what he wanted, or felt up to. Honestly part of him just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep for all of eternity. Though, admittedly, that part was rather small-ish. It was definitely getting smaller the more time he spent away from the Order.
He climbed slowly out of the bed, his legs shaking slightly as he clung to the blankets.
"Where's the bathroom?" Harry asked Severus, who was looking at him in concern.
"Just through there," Severus said, pointing over to a door on the other side of the room.
Harry nodded in thanks and walked slowly over to the door, leaning back against it when he had entered and closed the door behind him. He took in some deep, shaky breaths to steady himself and walked over to the sink, looking at himself in the large mirror above it. He had dark circles over his eyes from lack of sleep. His eyes were also bloodshot, though he didn't know if it was from lack of sleep or the tears he had cried recently. Though he suspected it was both.
He was skinnier than he had ever been, which he had thought was impossible to be honest, he knew how skinny he was before Hogwarts came crashing into his life. But despite that, when he pressed his hands around his stomach, causing the baggy t-shirt he was wearing to pull up against it, he could still see a tiny bump. He was sure that no one else would be able to notice it with how small it was. But where there was once quidditch toned abs, there was now a tiny baby bump.
And Merlin was he so impossibly glad that it was still there.
His baby was still there.
His little ball of magic was still there.
Still growing.
Heart still beating.
His knees finally buckled and he fell, letting the tears escape his eyes as his heart filled with fear, and love, and joy, and hope, and that bitter sting of betrayal as the memories of the last few weeks flashed over and over again before his eyes. The memories of the previous day.
The feeling of his tiny ball of magic slowly dying.
Because of them.
Because the people he used to think of as his family decided to try and kill his baby.
His little one.
He curled into a ball around his stomach and he let go.
He screamed.
He cried.
His magic flared out around him.
There was banging on the door, and he heard people calling his name.
He saw a flash of black robes that soon held him in his arms, rocking him and whispering soothing words. But Harry just cried.
"Harry, child, are you in pain?" he heard Severus ask when he had calmed down enough to properly pay attention to what was happening around him.
"Not physically, no," Harry muttered into the robes.
Severus rubbed his back gently and they stayed silent for a little while, Harry just soaking up the warmth and comfort from Severus.
"Do you want a bath? It might help you to relax a bit," Severus said.
"Will you stay with me?" Harry said, needing the older man close to him.
"Always," Severus whispered.
Severus moved them over to the bath and started running it, pouring in some lavender scented bubbles and making sure it was just the right temperature.
"Are you sure you want me to stay, Harry?" he asked gently as he lowered Harry to the floor.
"Mhm," Harry nodded, turning around and slowly taking off his clothes.
He climbed shakily, with Severus' help, into the bath and laid down in it, letting his neck and head rest against a small pillow that Severus rested at the head of the bath. His hands went to his bump again, needing to feel the ball of magic. His lips twitched slightly when he saw Severus sit on the floor next to the bath, and sighed when Severus started running his fingers through his hair.
"Thank you, for saving my baby," Harry muttered.
"You have no need to thank me, Harry," Severus said.
"But I felt… I felt them dying, then you gave me the potion, and it got better. You saved them, just like you keep saving me, you deserve thanks for that. And for looking after me when you don't need to,"
"I know, child," Severus' eyes showed more pain than Harry had ever seen in them, but he didn't ask, he didn't want to invade the man's privacy like that, "You also know that I would do anything for you, and now for your child also. You deserve to have someone care for you, Harry. You don't deserve any of the crap you have been through so far in your short life. I am sorry that I couldn't take you away from it before, but you are away from it now. You are safe now. I promise,"
Harry just nodded, not sure what to say.
"Am I safe?" Harry asked after a few moments.
"From Tom, yes. He is determined to protect you and your child from Dumbledore and the Order especially. He is going to have a meeting with all of the Death Eaters tomorrow night where he will be explaining everything, and that you are now off limits, as well as the punishments for any of them attempting to harm you or the baby. And if any of them dare to try anything then they will be punished,"
Harry nodded again.
"What do you think my parents would say about me wanting to keep my baby?"
"I… I can't say that I would know for sure, especially in regards to your father," Severus said, "But your mother, I am sure she would understand. She gave her life for yours, and she loved you more than life itself. It's hard not to when you feel the little ball of magic in your stomach, which I am sure you have been feeling since before you even knew you were pregnant," Harry nodded, he had been confused by the magic he was feeling but even despite that confusion he had felt good about it, not once did it feel like something bad, or worry him, or anything.
"She would have wanted you to do what felt right for you, and if keeping your baby was that then she would have agreed, and she would still love you, even despite the father. It's not your fault, it's not Tom's fault, and it isn't the baby's fault. Your father loved you also, died for you also, and I am sure Lily let him feel your magic before you were born. I believe that he, also, would have understood you wanting to keep your child,"
"But… Sirius, Remus…"
"Whatever they told you, Harry, don't listen to it. Neither of them have carried or birthed a child. And even though they were your father's best friends, were they even that good if they were trying to hurt his child and grandchild? They are just bigots who couldn't see past your child's paternity, even if it wasn't Tom's fault, even though you wouldn't have raised your child in a way which would have led to them being a Dark Lord. They are bigots who didn't care enough to listen to you, to how you felt, who tried to take your rightful choice away from you. Yes, you are sixteen now, fifteen then, but it was still your choice, your child. They had no right to try and take your child from you, none of them did," Severus said with conviction.
"They told me my parents would hate me. That they would be disappointed in me. That I am wasting their sacrifice. That my baby is a monster. That I am…"
"And they are wrong, Harry. Your parent's wouldn't hate you, not for this. You aren't wasting their sacrifice. They sacrificed themselves so you could live. Having a child is part of life for many people. I am sure they wanted that for you, a family. Your baby certainly is not a monster, nor will it ever be. And you are the strongest, bravest, most amazing child I have ever had the pleasure to meet. You didn't deserve anything they said to you, anything they tried to do to you. They should be here for you, supporting you and your child. Like James would want them to do. But they aren't, and it is entirely their own faults, not yours,"
"The twins heard some of them talking a-about locking me up with Moony on the full moon," Harry sobbed, "I-I don't think my m-magic would have been able to p-protect me from that,"
Severus' eyes widened in shock and he leaned forward to kiss Harry's head.
"You won't need to worry about werewolves on full moons here, Harry. I promise. If anyone even thinks about it then I will personally torture the hell out of them, before I kill them,"
"B-but what if Dumbledore tells the Ministry because he can't find me, and I have to go back because I'm not of age yet and he is my magical guardian?"
"I seriously doubt that Dumbledore will be telling anyone that he has lost you. Especially now that everyone knows the Dark Lord is back. And we can always go and speak to the goblins about getting you, and the twins just in case he tries something with them, a new guardian. Just in case. But also to see about your inheritance and such. And, we can put plans in place to ensure you never have to go near any of the Order again, and to ensure they are all punished accordingly for what they did to you,"
"But what if he goes to the Ministry and tells them about my baby and they decide my baby needs to be raised by someone else to make sure they don't become dark,"
"Harry, myself and everyone here with you will do everything we can to ensure that that will never happen. If you want, I can bring Kingsley in also for some extra support. And we can get the general public on your side also, so that should they attempt it, the public would ridicule them. In any case, it is against the law of our world to take a magical child away from their mother without the mother's permission. Lady Magic, and both the Wizengamot and ICW, would punish anyone that even dared to try to take your baby from you rather severely. And that is nothing compared to what myself, Tom, Kingsley, the Death Eaters, the twins, Bill, Charlie, and your other friends would do to them,
"In any case, that would only really be likely to happen if you were to give birth in Saint Mungo's or another hospital. Which, considering how much you hate hospitals, I am sure will not be happening. It is important to be in a place you feel comfortable when you give birth. So, you can give birth here, or somewhere else you feel comfortable. And the only people who need to be there with you are the people you want there,"
"Will you be there?" Harry asked.
"If that is what you want, then yes, I will be there, Harry,"
"Good," Harry nodded, sighing in relief, "When… when am I due?"
"The end of March," Severus smiled slightly when Harry smiled.
"And, do you know if they are a boy or a girl yet?"
"Unfortunately not, babies don't start developing genitalia until about fourteen weeks. We haven't done a magical or inheritance test on you, which would show based on your baby's magic, what your baby is. We just did basic health exams. Do you want to know?"
"Erm… I don't know yet. I just wanted to know if you knew,"
"That's okay. We can wait. Although if we go to Gringotts any time in the next four weeks then you are likely to find out as they will require an inheritance test,"
"Okay," Harry said, stroking his belly gently.
"Are you ready to wash yourself? Or do you need more time to relax?" Severus asked.
"Erm, yeah. Can you wash my hair for me, though, please?" Harry whispered the last part.
He had thought of Severus as a parent for a while now, more of a mother figure if he was honest with himself, but he didn't want to tell Severus that. He was scared of being rejected because of it. So instead he soaked up all the moments with the man that he could.
"Of course," Severus said, smiling at Harry slightly and helping Harry sit up.
The gentle way in which Severus washed his hair helped to relax Harry even more. It also made Harry wish that Severus was his parent even more. Not that anyone would ever know his desire. It would just be ripped from him like everything else.
"Harry, are you okay?" it was then that he noticed he was crying.
"Yeah, just…" he didn't know what to say.
Severus nodded in understanding anyway, and went back to washing his hair. When he was done with his hair, Severus gave Harry some body wash and a soft sponge and turned around, because Harry didn't want him to leave, so that Harry could wash himself without Severus seeing. Not that it really mattered, Harry supposed.
He was soon out of the bath and brushing his teeth, and washing his face, then he was back in bed.
"Are you hungry? Thirsty?" Severus asked, "Do you need anything?"
"Maybe some juice," Harry said, smiling internally although his heart twisted in pain also.
"Would you be okay with a house elf bringing it up? Or would you like me to go and make it for you?"
"Where are the twins?" Harry asked nervously, he didn't want to be alone, but he didn't know if he would be able to drink it if a house elf brought it to him.
"They panicked when you screamed and I sent them away for a little while to calm down once we saw you and didn't see any signs of physical pain, or blood, or anything,"
"Erm… can you do a Patronus?" Harry asked, worrying his lip between his teeth.
"Yes," Severus said gently, "Would you like me to send it to the twins to get a drink for you?"
Harry breathed a sigh of relief and nodded, watching in awe as Severus produced his doe Patronus and sent it off to the twins with a message.
"What… What does a doe Patronus mean?" Harry asked, still in awe of it.
Severus blushed slightly, looking down at his knees, "The doe is fiercely protective of it's loved ones, and shows a caring and nurturing nature. The doe represents a gentleness, yet a strong determination, and has a high level of intuition and sensitivity. It battles life's challenges with the utmost grace and vigilance. Dumbledore, however, believes it is because he believes I am in love with your mother," Harry looked at him, shocked, "I am not in love with your mother, I am gay. She was my best friend, but I was never in love. She was like a sister to me, if anything. Nevertheless, I let him believe what he wants to believe because I don't want him to find out certain things about me,"
"So, your Patronus can be the same as the person you love?"
"It can be, yes. Although most of the time, if your Patronus changes because of love, it changes to the typical partner of the animal in question, or something that has some significant meaning to the animal of your spouse. It usually isn't exactly the same. Lily and I just were rather similar people when we learned how to do the Patronus. Most of the time, your Patronus represents you as a person, not your love life, though,"
Harry nodded in understanding.
The twins soon arrived with Harry's juice and asked Harry if he was okay.
To be truthfully honest with himself, he wouldn't be okay for a while, he knew that. But he didn't say that. He couldn't voice it.
But he wanted to.
He wanted to be able to voice how he was feeling.
But he didn't know how.
Hiya, how are you all?
I hope you enjoyed the chapter, next chapter will be Harry and Tom talking about the baby, the Order, the war, and such. Should be out in the next few weeks or so. I hope you are all having an amazing year so far, and that you continue to do so. Also, feel free to check out my other fanfics if you want something else to read between updates ;)
I have a Facebook group called Maraudering_Paige which you are all welcome to join if you would like to. It is where we can talk about Harry Potter, fanfics, life, share memes, and more. It is also where I have an update schedule and will be keeping you up to date on what I am working on, both fanfics, original works, art and more. So if you are interested then I am more than happy to accept you into the group. I might also throw in the occasional sneak peak of a chapter, etc. so ya know ;)
I hope you are having an amazing day!
Kind regards,
Paige xx