The Nerd Versus the P.I. Family
By Steampunk . Chuckster
A/N: Bet you're surprised to see this updated so soon. Yeah, me too. Ha! Thanks for still being here. Hope you enjoy this chapter.
Summary: Sarah Walker has uprooted her life, leaving her job with the LAPD and going it alone as a private investigator, all in the hopes it provides her with less dangerous stakes and a schedule she can control so that she can handle her most important job, raising her toddler, a bit easier. But when the single parent thinks her computer might've been targeted by a criminal, she has to request help from the unlikeliest of sources: The Buy More Nerd Herd.
Disclaimer: I do not own CHUCK, I do not own its characters, I am not making money from posting this.
Chuck pulled his head out from under the desk, suppressing the urge to cough from how awfully dusty it was. "Uh…Okay, well I found the problem. This is a problem that can be fixed by a good electrician," he informed Geoff Knight.
Knights Inc had multiple factories in the western United States that created parts for…trucks or something. Maybe tractor trailers? He hadn't gotten a good look at anything really as he'd walked into the administrative headquarters in Bakersfield.
But he'd gotten a good look under Geoff Knight's desk while trying to determine why their computers all seemed to be acting up. And there was a shit ton of dust. When was the last time he'd properly cleaned in here? Jesus.
"An electrician? This is that kind of problem?"
"Yeah, I've checked computers on all five floors now, Mr. Knight, sir. I did a wireless test from the back of my Nerd Herd van with my equipment on a few of the computers just to see and they worked just fine. The building's electric grid is the problem. I think you need an electrician to come in here and figure out what's going on."
"You can't do it?" the middle-aged man asked, crossing his arms and plopping his hulking form into a nearby couch.
"Unfortunately that isn't my expertise. If it's messing with the computers on every floor of a five-story building, that's a big job. You need a professional electrician." Chuck took out a clipboard. "What I can tell you is that your devices are in tip-top shape. Your WiFi is fine. It could be the outlets or the electric wiring in the whole place."
"We had a power outage in this part of town the other day. Down for a good two hours after the winds got bad and knocked over a few nearby wires. Come to think of it, everything started acting up then."
Chuck nodded. "That'll be it. But hey, I've got a great electrician I've worked with before. Let me get you his card. He's got a really good crew, they're quick and fantastic at what they do. Let me get his card." He started rifling through the pocket in his messenger bag, tugging out a lot of business cards and thumbing through them. He found a few of Steve's cards and snagged one, handing it over to Mr. Knight. "There you are, sir. Steve Verrick. He's a good guy. He does this sort of job all the time."
"Oh. Thank you. And thanks for updating our wireless system while you were at it. Is there…anything else I need to do?"
"No, sir. The company will bill you and I'll just get out of your hair." Chuck handed him a receipt he'd written up and shook his hand, before making his way out of the office and down the hallway.
His phone buzzed in his pocket then and he grabbed it, ninety percent sure the Buy More had blown up or something and Big Mike needed him to come and fix it and could he just hurry up and teleport from Bakersfield already. He didn't have to look.
He answered his phone already rolling his eyes. "It's going to be a whole two hours before I get back with the way traffic probably is at this time of the day, so whatever it is has to wait two hours."
There was silence for a few moments, and then a feminine voice he recognized immediately said quietly, "Did I…call at a bad time?"
White hot mortification coursed through him immediately as he stepped onto the elevator. "N-No, you—" Boop boop boop!
He pulled the phone away and looked at it. He'd lost connection because of the elevator, and probably this building's electricity being spotty had an effect on the reception too. "Fuck!" he barked at his phone, glad he was alone on the elevator.
Panicked, he rushed off of the elevator and hurried out of the building, pulling up her number as he got into the parking lot and away from the cursed building and its bubble of terrible Internet and reception.
He hit send and held his phone to his ear again, making his way to his car.
It rang a few times and he thought maybe he'd offended her or pissed her off and now she wasn't going to answer. "Pick up, pick up, pickuppickuppickup—"
"Hello?"
"Hi! Oh, hi! Sarah!" he rushed out. "Thank God you answered! I'm so sorry! My…I didn't look to see who was calling because I'm an idiot, I figured it was Big Mike at the store needing me to put out a fire or something and I'm in Bakersfield on a job…"
"No, it's okay," she giggled. "Am I calling while you're working, though? I can call you back later if—"
"No, now is good. It's perfect. I'd just finished. That's, uh, actually why the phone cut out before I could greet you properly, politely, and explain what happened. Long story short, the building is broken technologically speaking and it didn't help that I walked my phone right into an elevator. Those have crap reception anyway."
"Oooohhhh, okay, I see."
"I didn't hang up on purpose. I'm so sorry." He got to his van and unlocked it, climbing in. "If I'd looked at my phone and had known it was you, I wouldn't have said that to you, I swear."
She laughed. "I believe you. It's okay."
Chuck connected his phone's Bluetooth to the dashboard as he turned on the van, preparing for the probably-traffic-ridden drive back to Burbank. "Also, I promise I don't typically talk to my peers like that, either. Or-or, um, is he my peer? I guess he's my peer." He turned on the sound system so that her voice would come out of the car speakers instead of his phone. "He isn't my boss anymore. That's still a weird thing for me." He shook his head then as he drove out of the parking lot and made his way towards the I-99. "Sorry. I'm going off on a tangent. I'm not that…um, blunt. Typically. It's just been a long day and it turns out it's all been for nothing, so that's fun."
"Oh, no. Something bad happen?" she asked.
His embarrassment had dimmed enough that he was actually listening to the tone of her voice now. And realizing he actually had no idea why she was calling. And he needed to actually shut the hell up. "Um, no. No, it's fine. I just drove two hours to a job and it ended up being more of a job for an electrician than a computer guy, and now I have to drive the two hours back and I'm a little salty about it. But that's the job. I apologize for the way this phone call started, though. Hello, Sarah. How are you?"
She giggled. "Don't apologize, it's okay. I'm…fine. You?"
"I think you just heard how I'm doing. Um, you got an embarrassing presentation of it when I answered the phone."
"I did, that's true. But don't worry about it," she said, amusement in her voice.
Somehow the annoying nature of the entire day was eased by hearing her come through his van speakers. But he heard something else. A pause before she told him she was fine.
"So what's going on? What's up?" he asked.
"Nothing really. I was just on my way back to my office, or…well, sort of. I'm driving in circles, honestly."
"Are you…lost?" He felt stupid immediately and was glad she couldn't see his face as he rolled his eyes and winced.
Sarah laughed, at least. "Uh, no. Born and raised here. I know my way around pretty well."
"Also, you're a P.I. so I bet you have extra insight into all the darkest nooks and crannies of L.A., right?"
"You and your thing with my job," she teased. "I like driving. It helps me work stuff out. Like how some people get their best ideas in the shower. Mine come while I'm driving."
Chuck smiled to himself as he pulled onto the freeway and began his journey home. "Oh, yeah? That's cool. I feel like mine only tend to come at night when I'm trying really hard to sleep. It's great," he chirped sarcastically.
They chuckled together.
"So you got the idea to call me while driving then?"
"I guess I did. Yes." There was another long pause and he'd think they had gotten disconnected if he couldn't hear the background noise on her side. "I know I said I was going to wait for you to call, but I…didn't do that. I didn't even give you twenty-four hours."
"Oh, that's perfectly fine. I was most likely going to call tonight to ask you about potential days and times. After I got home and…had, like, two shots of whiskey or something."
She laughed. "Oh, I get it. Do I ever get it. No, I just…I wanted to talk to you."
Chuck felt nerves suddenly at the quietness of her voice. Talk to him why exactly? Oh, crap… "Oh? What, um, what about?"
"I guess I'm just trying to figure stuff out, you know? And I think I need a few days to get my head straight. Take care of Max and, um, get going on this case." She sighed as he felt disappointment starting to make itself known in his chest. "See, this might be a big case."
"Ah. I see. Big for your agency, huh?"
"No, just…maybe big repercussions. I don't know for sure. And you know, having someone break onto my laptop remotely, the fact that they were able to do that, is truly violating, but thinking about that is kind of putting things into perspective for me. I need to focus on taking these guys down. For me and for my son."
Chuck nodded, feeling a little numb. "No, that makes total sense. Completely. Absolutely. Um, so…so are you hinting at what that means for this? Us, I mean…"
He heard her take a deep breath and he had his answer. Well, shit.
"Sort of. Yes. I don't know. Chuck, I'm not in a great place. I'm struggling with this. I've got to keep Max safe. I need to be involved in this case too, though. They targeted me. They chose me. And I'm not letting them get away with it."
In spite of feeling like this was the beginning of getting the brush off, Chuck felt himself smiling. She really was so cool and so hot. She was such a badass.
"Sarah, you do whatever you have to do. Okay? And if I don't fit into that right now, I understand. You have priorities, and they're important…hence why they're called…priorities." He made a face at himself. "I'm just…I'm here. I hope you don't think I'm being…I dunno, too much. But I'm okay with waiting." He cleared his throat in the long silence. "For you," he added. "Waiting for you." The pause extended and he felt an ache in his chest. "If…that's what you want, of course. I'm-I'm not assuming you actually want—"
"You're seriously just the sweetest person I have ever met." Chuck blinked, speechless. "You're just so sweet, Chuck." She sighed then. "That's the thing, I don't want you to wait."
"Right." He nodded, feeling that ache even worse. "I get it. Loud and clear."
"Chuck, I'm a mess. The only thing I'm sure about right now is that I need to keep my son safe, by whatever means necessary, and kick this case's ass. Everything else is up in the air and I'm confused and…a little…um, nervous."
"What are you saying?" he couldn't help asking.
"I'm so sorry. I'm talking in circles."
"It's okay! It makes sense, you're also driving in circles. Sorry," he said drily. "It sounded cuter in my head."
Sarah giggled. "I like you, Chuck. I want that second date." The ache was lessening at that. "I'm just not sure how to go about this and it's making me wonder if I even should. That's all. Like, I don't know what things will look like for me going forward from this point. I'm raising my son and involved in what might be a massive criminal case that's…scary in its scope. At least, that's what they said at the precinct. So… I really don't know what my life is going to look like."
"Can we try anyway?" he rushed out in a breath. He didn't want to sound desperate; in fact, he hated how desperate he sounded. But he kind of was desperate. "I know I just got done saying I'd wait, and I mean it. If that's what you want. But if we could at least try this, I'd do everything in my power to make it worth it. I hope I don't sound like a crazy person right now…"
"No," she said with an amused huff. "You don't. Jesus, I called you meaning to ask if we could postpone this so I could figure my shit out, and somehow I'm not…willing to do that anymore." She took another deep breath. "I just need you to know, before we make anymore plans here, that I'm not going to be as…reliable as I'll want to be. Cancelling plans last minute because of Max, or maybe the case."
"That's okay," he said hurriedly. "No, I'm okay with that. I can be flexible. We can cancel. We can raincheck." She was quiet and he wondered if she was dubious about it, about him. "Sarah, really. I mean it. I had an amazing time the other night. I can be okay with whatever you have to offer me, whenever. Just please don't give me the brush off. Please."
"I'm not giving you the brush off. That's not what this call was for."
"Okay, good. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to offend—"
"You didn't offend me. God, this is so awkward and I feel like it's all my fault. Did you hear me when I said I was a mess? Well…here it is. You're looking at it. Or at least…hearing it."
"Uh, all I hear is a really nice voice that's making this stupid pointless trip four hours both ways feel a lot less terrible. I mean, hearing your voice on the other line has been…lovely. If you don't mind me saying so." He winced. "You aren't the only mess."
Sarah laughed and drawled out a, "I really do like you."
"I really like you too. I guess that's why I've got a little fight in me, Sarah Walker, private investigator."
He could hear the smile in her voice as she responded. "Oh, really? Fight, huh? All for me?" He hummed in the affirmative. "It's the job, isn't it? Going out with a so-called private eye…"
Chuck laughed and shook his head. "Maybe that's part of it, I won't lie to you, I'm a massive dweeb about that, but it's mostly just you."
"Good answer," she said, honey dripping from her tone. "So you're okay with all of this? It's going to be… There will be barriers. This isn't gonna be a cake walk."
"I didn't sign up for a cake walk. I signed up to spend time with you, whatever barriers or hurdles or…two-way messes that might come with."
She paused for a warm moment. "You are really good at saying the right thing, Chuck. The exact right thing."
"Oh, I'm not but thanks for saying that anyway," he said, grinning. "What are you doing tomorrow night? Catching a hacker sonofabitch like a badass?"
"Um, not that. Not yet anyway. I can't make you any promises that I'll be able to find someone to watch Max tomorrow night."
"That's fair. I'm not expecting a promise. If not tomorrow, the next night? Or the night after that? Any night this week? Or next?"
She laughed. "Okay, okay. Jesus Christ, Chuck. I'll check and see when I can find Max a babysitter and I'll let you know. How's that?"
"That's perfect." He didn't know how that conversation had turned around from being incredible disappointing and disheartening to making him feel like he could potentially shoot off into space he was so elated, but he wasn't looking a gift horse in the mouth.
"But no promises."
"Of course. Yes. I mean no. No promises. Will I…talk to you soon, either way?"
"Yeah," she said smoothly. "You will."
"Okay. Good. Hey, one more thing."
"What's that?"
He licked his lips, determined to give her something to try to ease the discomfort and vulnerability he imagined she was feeling with the way someone had violated her privacy and broken onto her laptop without her knowing it. "Don't let that rat bastard who implanted the keystroke logger on your laptop have power over you, okay? Whole government agencies have been broken into by assholes like this. Don't let 'em hack at your confidence in yourself. You're fantastic at your job and this doesn't change that. Don't let 'em make you think it does. It's what they want. Fuck them up, private eye." He paused then as something struck him. "Oh shit, your son isn't in the car with you, is he? God, I just said shit!"
Sarah cracked up and the sound of her laughter made the inside of the van fill with sunlight. It seeped into his chest too. Into his very soul.
"He isn't here," she laughed. "But thank you, Chuck. Thank you for saying that. You're right. I can't let it fuck with my sense of what I'm here to do. Who I am."
"Damn right," he chirped. "You show them who you are. They fucked with the wrong P.I.!"
"That's right they did," she said. "I'm going to get off the phone now though so that I can try to get a babysitter as soon as I possibly can."
Chuck beamed. "Well, okay, then! This was a good talk, Sarah."
"Yeah… it was," she said slowly.
"I'm glad you called me. Really glad."
"I'm glad, too."
"Talk to you soon?"
"Definitely."
"So…bye?"
She giggled. "Bye, Chuck."
As he heard the click and the soft beep that signaled she'd hung up, Chuck thumped his head against the headrest of his seat and let out a long breath. Dear God, that had been so close to the end before they'd even begun. Or, it sounded like she'd planned for more of a postponement… if he'd agreed to it, at least.
Somehow they'd turned it around and he was getting a second date with Sarah Walker. Eventually. When she could swing it.
He meant what he said to her. He was going to do everything he could to be okay with her not being as available as he might like her to be, with cancelling their plans if need be… He could do this. She was worth doing this.
And he found himself wishing he could just show up at her office after making his way back to L.A. proper and hold her in his arms. That was kind of the opposite of what they'd just agreed to. It was just that he heard how nervous she was, and how unsure she was. That hacker remotely sticking the keystroke logger in her laptop, watching what she was doing for who knew how long, had left her rattled. Just like it would leave him rattled if they'd done it to him.
Anybody would be rattled.
She didn't need his protection and he knew that deep down in his soul. But he still wanted to protect her. At the very least, if he could be of some comfort. And here she was also trying to raise her son in the midst of all of this. He didn't doubt she could and would do it all, on her own, without his help.
Chuck had to admire her, so much it made his chest hurt. She wasn't running away from the fight.
That was a melodramatic way of putting it. But it was true. She wasn't. She was staying, one part of her protecting her kid, the other part working for justice.
Damn.
He would wait for that second date as long as he had to. He was determined. He was making this happen.
}o{
Sarah picked at her salmon at dinnertime with her parents and Max.
And it wasn't because it wasn't absolutely delicious. It was delicious. But she had nerves in her stomach and it was making it hard for her to even want to put the food in her mouth, let alone chew, swallow, and digest it. It didn't matter how good it was.
She'd made her decision now, but it was weighing on her.
She peeked over at Max who had tomato sauce on his face from the spaghetti her mom had made especially for him to eat. His tongue darted out and swiped at his top lip, before he methodically reached for his plastic fork and dug into the mound of spaghetti in his bowl, fighting hard to skewer some of the noodles, a look of pure determination on his face.
Sarah mused that she could take a lesson from him. Sure, the noodles kept slipping off of the fork because that was the slippery nature of noodles. But he kept going. He kept trying. And he was getting it done eventually, not caring if it was only one single noodle at a time. One was better than none.
She reached over with her hand that wasn't holding her fork and smoothed his hair back from his face. He smiled at her. "Like your spaghetti?"
"Yeah! S'good!"
"Good."
She finally put a bit of salmon in her mouth and chewed, swallowing it and taking a sip of the red wine her dad had poured her.
"How are things at the agency?"
Sarah looked up. Her mom was giving her that all-seeing-mom look. "Oh, they're…them. Things at the agency…exist. You know. As things do."
"Mmmmm!" Max interjected, and they all smiled at him. He basked in the attention for a moment before they turned back to their conversation.
Emma squinted her eyes at her. "That's…specific."
Snorting, she shook her head. "I don't know. I think I'm getting myself into a tight spot, but I don't feel like I have any other choice."
There was silence at the table for a while. Her dad put his silverware down and cleared his throat. "Okay, well what does that mean, you don't have any other choice?"
His voice was measured and calm but she knew it wouldn't take much for him to be less measured and calm. His overprotectiveness irked her most of the time. Anybody on the outside might say it was better than him not giving a shit. But it also stemmed from his constant inability to see her as more than his little girl. He didn't treat her as a full-grown adult, he didn't listen to her the way he listened to other full-grown adults, he thought he knew what was best for her, and most annoying of all, she wondered if sometimes he thought she couldn't take care of Max. Or didn't know how to.
Sarah bit back the urge to snark at him. She tried not to do that in front of her son, lest he learned the wrong things from her. She wanted him to respect and love his grandpa, even if sometimes Jack Walker got on her last nerve.
"This is my career, Dad. I solve cases. And when the LAPD asks me to help, when Carina asks me to help, not only do I have an obligation to make enough of a paycheck to keep a roof over my head and feed myself and my child, I also have an obligation to them to help where I can."
"Hm…" He pursed his lips. "Justice and all that."
She didn't like his sideways tone.
"Yes. Justice. It's what people deserve when someone's committed a crime against them."
Jack nodded. "I don't disagree with that."
Sarah put her fork down and leaned her chin in her palm sarcastically. "What do you disagree with?"
He shrugged and she heard her mom give off a tired sigh. "Just the idea that you have no other choice. You know, the right choice is sitting right there." He flicked his gaze over at Max who was blissfully unawares of what was happening in the conversation, slurping a noodle through pursed lips, his blue eyes bright and happy.
He reached over and grabbed his plastic water cup with both hands and carefully lifted it to his mouth to take a few loud drinks, let out an "Ahhh!" and put it down again. Thankfully Sarah moved fast enough to catch it when he put it on the very edge of his highchair tray. "Oop!" he chirped as she smiled and put it down properly.
"It's okay," she giggled. "Just be careful, huh?"
"Kaaay."
She turned back to her dad.
"He doesn't factor into this choice, because no matter what, he's my first priority, and I think you know that, Dad. Whether I take a case or not, protecting and caring for my son is the most important thing." She turned her gaze to him and stared him down. "It's why I started this agency in the first place."
"Of course, darlin'. Of course I know that. Emma, did I say—?"
"I'm not getting involved." Emma shook her head and sipped her wine.
Per usual, Sarah thought to herself with a roll of her eyes. Her mom always did the whole I'm not getting involved thing, and just let things escalate between her daughter and her husband. She didn't want to take sides or be seen by either of them as the problem, but it was a problem in and of itself that she never stood up for her daughter.
Sarah was careful to keep her voice calm. "Someone got onto my laptop, Dad. They targeted me. I'm not going to just let that slide."
"They targeted you. Exactly. They'll do worse next time if you keep at this. Don't you see that?"
"This coming from the guy who thought it was the coolest thing ever when I chose to go to the Police Academy…"
"That was before you—" He stopped himself, even as he subtly gestured at the still oblivious two and a half year old who was now putting his entire hand in the sauce and bringing it up to his mouth to lick it.
"Got pregnant?" Sarah filled in for him. He shrugged as if it was obvious. "Dad, this agency is my dream. And it's a lot safer than if I was in the police force, still."
"Tell that to the hacker who got onto your computer, darlin'."
"I will, trust me. When I get him in front of me, that's exactly what I'll tell him. Because I am gonna get him. And I'm gonna get who he's working for, too. And who they're working for, and then who they're working for, and so on and so forth. I'm not waiting on the sidelines because I'm scared."
"Mommyyy? Why oo sca'wed?"
Shit. She turned and leaned in close to Max, smiling softly at him, leaning her chin on the edge of his tray. "Sometimes grown ups have things to be scared about too, Max."
"Oh. S'it bad'uh?"
She wracked her brain for how to explain it without making him scared in turn. "Not so bad, no. Just something I have to think hard about."
"S'it a guy-in wif big teeee?" His blue eyes got big. "Or a monstooowaahhh?"
"Not a giant. Not a monster. No big teeth," she said warmly. And she wasn't sure how she could love anyone as much as she loved her son right in that moment. "Not anything scary like that. I promise. You don't have to worry about it, though. Remember how you found more rocks today with Grandpa while Grandma was volunteering?"
"Yeah." He got some saw on his eyebrow as he scratched an itch there and she winced.
"You never came up with names for them. Think about that while you eat your spaghetti, okay? And then by the time you finish eating, I wanna know what their names are. Deal?"
"Okay!" He bounced in excitement and then he narrowed his eyes in thought, dropping his fork on the tray and instead going for the noodles with his fingers. She'd normally correct him on it, but she decided if it was easier for him at the moment, more power to him.
"Look, can we drop this, Dad? Please?" She gave him a significant look, flicking her eyes towards his grandson and then widening them.
He got the hint and sighed, nodding. "Right, right. Okay. Just know, Sarah, I'm your dad. I worry about you. I just want you to think about what all you've got going on, how putting yourself in danger could pan out."
"Trust me, I've got that in the back of my mind. But this is my job, Dad. It's what I do. And if I let everyone who wanted to stop me from doing my job succeed, I'd never be able to make it in this business. I want to make it in this business. It's what I'm best at. And I love it."
Jack didn't have anything to say to that. He just sighed and went back to eating.
A half hour later, Sarah knew that the red earth rock was named Ma'wsy because it was red like Mars. And the grey rock with the shiny bits was called ShineShine, and she was hunched over the sink helping her mom with the dishes while Max and Jack played with blocks in her parents' living room.
"It's more than just the case, isn't it?"
Sarah sighed and gave her mom a tired look.
"I'm not going to give you guff about your job, sweetie. I know it's important to you. I want you to be safe but I know it's important to you. I'm just giving you a chance to actually talk about it while…your father is in the other room," she said, lowering her voice. She sidled up close and leaned over to turn off the water for Sarah.
Sarah groaned quietly and let the plate she was rinsing sink back into the soapy water. "I just keep thinking about how I don't have…" She decided to try again, not sure where she was even going with what she was saying. "Sometimes I feel like I constantly have this tangled jumble of nerves stuck here in my chest." She made a claw with her hand and pressed it to the center of her chest. "And it's just building and building. Being with Max, just him and me, watching movies and talking and playing, going for walks together, it eases it. But then it's still there. And it isn't just this case—as much as it's kind of making me feel nervous, you know? The implications of it, the way someone targeted my laptop and all that—it's this feeling like I can't…just step back and breathe, no matter how hard I try. I can't find a space away from it to breathe."
"Breathe?" her mom asked.
"Yeah, like I can't take a deep breath. But then I…"
She stopped as she thought about Chuck for the first time since she got to her parents house after calling him on the phone during her circular driving. She didn't feel the smile slowly drift over her face. She'd been able to breathe the other night during their date.
Not just the crisp sea air, the delicious drinks, the amazing conversation. But just the way his presence set her at ease. She'd found the tension seeping out of her muscles. She'd been so relaxed. He'd been so easy to talk to, he'd made her laugh. She'd even made him laugh.
That had definitely been very new.
Sarah didn't want to tell her mom about him yet. Because she'd tell her dad even if Sarah asked her not to. That was how their marriage worked. It was why she'd neglected to tell her mom a lot of stuff when growing up. It probably wasn't right, but it was just how she learned to handle her shit. Her dad was…too much. His reactions drove her nuts. And she just couldn't deal with it. Not now.
"I don't know. I've been able to strike the balance, focusing on work and Max both. I'm raising him and doing my job at the same time, and that's not a problem. It's just knowing that this might be dangerous, but I can't stop now. I can't quit this. Because if I quit this, how do I ever call myself a P.I. in the future? If I can't do this case because it's 'dangerous'," she said, making air quotes with her fingers up by her head, "what case can I work? I don't want to follow people's spouses around trying to catch them cheating. That's shit, Mom. That's not why I opened my agency. Like, yes, I'll take those jobs if there's nothing else. But…" She huffed, drying her hands and slapping the towel down onto the counter again.
"So what's going on?"
"I don't know."
Guilt. Maybe that was it. Guilt that she was gallivanting around taking dangerous cases when she had a two year old waiting for her at home. It wasn't fair. She hated it. She hated this guilt because she knew she could take care of herself, and of Max. Astley, Devlin, Crouder, and the other cops she'd worked with on a semi-regular basis before she'd left to open her own private investigative agency all had children, and none of them had a lick of guilt. They did their jobs, then went home to their kids. And they weren't terrible parents, as far as she knew.
So why in the hell did she get saddled with this feeling?
"I think it really just got to me that this…hacker…got their feelers into my private laptop's system. That…spooks me. It really does. I hate the feeling it gives me."
"Yeah, I'm not feeling all that great about it either, Sarah. In fact, it worries me. A lot. And your father's worried about you, too."
"I know," she groused.
"Hey, go easy on him, okay? He's your dad, he's allowed to worry."
Whatever. She thought it because it wouldn't go well if she said it out loud. She didn't have the energy to argue with her mom too, tonight.
"Yeah, well…I can't shake this feeling. And I know that if I sideline myself and expect the LAPD to handle the whole thing, and expect Carina to prosecute the hell out of 'em, it'll make this not-breathing feeling worse."
"Mhm, that's because you hate feeling like you don't have control over everything." Sarah sent her mom an annoyed look. But Emma Walker was somewhat immune to that now. "What? It's true. I'm not saying it's terrible. You got it from me, after all. But I know you don't like not having your hands on the wheel, so to speak. If you don't do it, it won't get done right."
Sarah sighed. "I don't want to trust other people to clean this up. Especially after I was targeted. I need to be in on it. I need to be there to contribute, to watch it all unfold, to do the work."
"And you hate feeling vulnerable."
She bristled even though her mom was right. "Stop, it's not that."
"Mm. Whatever you say, sweetheart."
"Mom…"
"That part you got from Jack." Her mom turned to face her fully then and put her hands on her shoulders, looking up into the eyes that were so much like hers and smiling warmly. "Sarah, I love you. I worry about you. Not just because you're a single mom, but because you're my daughter and I want you to be okay. If working this case is important to you, then you have to do it. I know you'll have Max's well-being at the forefront of your mind. You're a great mom." Sarah smiled slowly, draping her right hand over her mom's left one on her shoulder and squeezing. "And if this is the decision you're making, make it all the way. We slip up when we aren't focused. When we aren't all in. No unsureness. No being tentative. Just do the work, get it done, the way I know I taught you to."
Sarah smiled bigger and nodded, then she went in to hug her mom tight. "I will. Thanks, Mom."
When they pulled back, however, Emma got a look on her face. "But don't lose yourself in it, huh? The job and Max, then back to the job, then back to Max. If you need a break to just…sleep in…or get to the beach for a few hours, tell me. Gives me a chance to spoil my grandso—erm, I mean, spend time with my grandson."
Sarah laughed and groaned. "That was terrible, Mom."
"Well, I'm not perfect." Then she squeezed Sarah's wrist. "And neither are you. You're human. You need to do things for yourself sometimes. For a change."
Like finding a babysitter for Max as soon as possible so that she could bask in the presence of a certain curly haired nerd again, for instance?
"Mom, are you and Dad doing stuff for that benefit still tomorrow night?"
"Mmm, yes, I think so. Why?"
Damn.
"I was just asking. No reason." She smiled and shrugged. Emma was too smart not to see through it, but she mercifully didn't push. "I hope you two have fun. You guys need to get out there and do fun things every once in a while too. I feel like I make you babysit your grandson too much."
"Make us?" Emma laughed. "Please."
They laughed together as Sarah found herself even more solidified in her decision to try to make a go of it with this guy, this computer genius who could've just shown up at her apartment the other night and taken her out on a date, but instead he'd thought of Max, bringing him animal stickers. She also hadn't forgotten that stunt he'd pulled turning the car around so that she could bring Lovey back for Max to go to sleep with. She could use something different, something good and comfortable. Even if it left her a little nervous, how good it felt to be around him. And how much it had affected her when she'd pressed her lips to his.
Sarah felt warmth in her chest as she and her mom left the kitchen arm in arm, because she still had the sound of his voice in her head when he'd told her to do whatever she felt she had to do, that he'd wait for her if that was what she needed right now. The sincerity in how much he wanted to try to make a go of it with her, even though she took a completely different approach with this guy—honesty—and she'd admitted she was a huge mess and unsure about everything. He'd made her feel okay, less stressed.
And maybe being honest had been the right approach with him. Where she was sure it would've scared other guys away immediately. Shit, the existence of her two year old son would've scared them away by now anyway, but if not, her crazy circular attempt to explain herself on the phone today would've absolutely done it.
He was still out there, somewhere, probably home from Bakersfield by now. Hopefully by now, the poor guy. And he was waiting for her to call him about that second date.
That alone made her insides feel…electric.
And she decided to cling to that for now until she could talk to Carina about perhaps watching Max again some night this week. She was clinging to the thought of Chuck Bartowski waiting for any part of her, in whatever capacity she could offer herself to him.
A/N: When will Sarah Walker ever discover that honesty is the best policy? Probably never hahahahahaha at least not in my fics. Sheeeee's a mess. I love her with my whoooole heart. Please review. I love y'all.
-SC