It's gettin' under my skin
This low down feelin'
Don't know what I did
But I done it good
And tomorrow come
And I'll be waitin'
With my head held high
I'm not lookin' to run
And you took me down
And what a slow fall
But what I needed
To be right here
And for one
It seems that I've found
That all the answers
Were all so clear
- under my skin by Briston Maroney
The next day at breakfast, Lily happily beckoned me over, even though she was already surrounded by a bunch of people.
She was very popular and not only in our year and our house. But I understood that very well, because she is a beautiful and pleasant person on the outside and inside.
I sometimes watched her in the school years before and didn't dare to make friends with her. I didn't feel like I was worth it. And when we had short conversations, they were usually inconsequential and revolved around homework like the day before. But something had suddenly changed and I had the strange feeling that it wasn't just my new attitude that I had decided to leave my comfort zone of restraint and reveal myself more to the outside world. It almost seemed as if Lily had sensed my decision and wanted to help me with it.
"Good morning, Catherine," Lily said cheerfully, asking me to sit next to her. I nodded to her and slowly sat down next to my new friend and grinned slightly at my foolish thought.
I spent a lot of time thinking about myself and my future during the last summer holidays. And I wanted to change and shed my insecurities that my childhood brought me. The last weeks at Hogwarts before the holidays started were decisive. I've often seen Mary since then, tormented by Mulciber. An me- helpless, first through the shock and inability to get over my fear and then really damn being fixed in place watching my friend suffer... I couldn't let go and neither did the letters Mary sent me from ST. Mungo, in which she assured me that she didn't hold grudges, that it wasn't my fault and that there was nothing I could have done, didn't change my mind. I knew I could have reacted sooner if I hadn't been so insecure about my abilities or inner strength.
I sighed loudly at the thought, but no one heard me, everyone around me was busy and, as is often the case, not with me. So I looked back at Lily, who was tucking her red hair behind her ear with her hand and laughing at a joke someone had made at the table.
However, it was a bit odd that she was hanging out with a seemingly unpleasant Slytherin like Severus Snape. Or was he different from what he pretended to be? I couldn't imagine someone like Lily having a good friend who isn't good himself. So maybe there was more to Severus Snape's dismissive façade than it seemed. Perhaps, just like me, he was a different person on the outside than on the inside?
But suddenly, I saw Mary in our ranks. She gave me a quick smile before reaching into her sparsely filled plate. I was amazed, she hadn't even told me that she had been discharged from the hospital and would be at Hogwarts just a few days after school started. And yet it showed me once again that perhaps we were not as familiar as I had hoped all these years. She sat next to Alice, but Alice seemed to have eyes only for her Frank, and didn't notice me at all.
In the meantime, the two lovers also held hands in public. I had to smile a bit, because at the beginning of their new relationship they were both very shy. It was also a long time before Frank finally dared to ask Alice to meet at Hogsmeade. Although I rarely had contact with Alice, I was very happy for the two of them. And at the same time, I wondered if I would eventually find someone to whom I would devote myself completely. A person who could love me as I am, with my faults and maybe quirky habits.
Strangely enough, at this thought, my head squirmed towards the Slytherin table, looking for a tall, slender boy with black hair and dark eyes. He grumpily poked around in his food, while next to him Evan Rosier talked to him as if he was trying to convince him of something. Then he looked up briefly, his eyes hovering over Gryffindor's rows of food and chatter, until his gaze fell on the red silky hair next to me.
Shaking my head, I unsuccessfully turned back to the sumptuous food and grabbed a piece of toast with a fried egg. In the meantime, Lily had started a conversation about the upcoming exams of the Ordinary Wizarding levels with Nayiri Chang, who was a year above us and was able to share her experience. I overheard the conversation about the possible topics to be asked in Defense Against the Dark Arts this year.
After I finished my breakfast, Lily seemed to take me under her wing, for she grabbed my arm and the two of us marched together to Professor Slughorn in the dungeon. I saw Mary laughing and walking beside Alice and Frank.
Alice must have known for a long time that Mary would be back, I thought bitterly for a moment. But to my surprise, I didn't feel the urge to ask. I wondered if I would even have room with the two of them. I knew that over the past few months, we had become estranged about our talking points.
At that moment, I felt more lonely than I had in a long time. Therefore, I was very grateful that a popular student like Lily wanted to take care of me. But maybe I was just a new object to her goodness? I suppressed this thought because I wanted to change. I wanted to think of others more lovingly and not assume the worst. Besides, how could someone like Lily feel that way about others? Maybe she really just thought I was nice and smart like she'd told the Slytherin boy the day before?
"Are you looking forward to the upcoming exams? I kind of do, because it decides which courses we can continue, and that in turn decides what we can do after Hogwarts." Lily interrupted my thoughts, apparently trying to find out more about me. I was about to do her this favor when I saw in her open smile what formed her full lips.
"I don't know. I don't look forward to the exams as much. But you're right, it might show us a way." I replied thoughtfully, wondering what kind of learning load we will have to face this school year. And yet Lily was right.
"Do you have any idea what you want to do after Hogwarts?" I asked her curiously, even though I knew she certainly had high goals for her future.
"We have career counseling in a couple of weeks, but I think Auror sounds exciting, but also dangerous. Curse breakers, perhaps? It is certainly thrilling to deal with ancient curses and treasures. Ah, there are so many enthralling possibilities in the wizarding world. For a moment, I even thought about a job in the ministry, but somehow office work is not what I can imagine for a lifetime. I think I like the idea of a little more suspense. And you? You seem to have a plan!" she blurted out and I watched with amusement as her eyelids trembled with excitement at all the possibilities that seemed to be served to her on a silver platter.
I sighed softly and looked at Mary for a moment, because there was this event that gave shape to my career aspirations.
"Yes, but I'm afraid that my grades won't be good enough for that. Somehow I don't manage to get top marks in the subjects, I always stay at 'acceptable' or 'exceeded expectations'." I replied a little dejected, for I knew I would have to work hard to make my wish take shape.
"In a subject like the History of Magic, I think an E is exceptional, to be honest." Lily laughed and her cheerfulness made me more confident, it was strange. "You could also just take part in our study groups. The exchange helps me a lot to think more deeply about some topics or to repeat sayings together. What do you think, why don't you come with me next week, we always meet on Thursday evenings in the library." She looked at me expectantly with large, bright green eyes, her full lips forming an inviting smile, but I hesitated.
"Who's in the study group?" I asked uncertainly, because although I wished for more contacts, I didn't know if it might not be too much.
"Dorcas Maedowes and Marlene McKinnon from Ravenclaw, Remus Lupin, Eleanor McClaggan, Leanne Jordan and I from Gryffindor, Wanda Smith and Owen Macmillan from Hufflepuff. But if that's too much for you, I also often meet with Sev to learn. He's unbeatable when it comes to Potions and Defense Against The Dark Arts."
"I'll think about it, Lily. Thank you," I replied evasively. As tempting as a 3-person study group was, I didn't feel welcome and the large group still seemed to me to be too much at once, although I didn't rule out joining later.
"Gladly, Catherine. Just let me know or drop by. It would be my pleasure!" she said, looking me in the eye to confirm the truth of her statement, so I had no doubt that she really wanted me there. A warm feeling spread through my heart, which I received joyfully, like one thirsting for attention and friendship.
We sat down in one of the back rows of the Potions dungeon. Potions was my favorite subject next to Herbology because I loved playing with the recipes and trying things out. Slughorn was usually happy with my results. Also, at the end of the school year, the Ordinary Wizarding Levels were coming up and I was eager to do as well as I could. Even though I was aware that an "Exceeded Expectations" would be sufficient for the advanced classes, my performance would not be sufficient for an incomparable NEWT, which I had to fulfill absolutely for my career aspirations. That's when I felt the ambition that the Sorting Hat saw in me.
James Potter and Sirius Black sat in the front row because it allowed Slughorn to keep an eye on them, as they sometimes played unpleasant pranks on some of the students. I had been their victim before. When my cauldron exploded and some students got boils all over their bodies, including me, I didn't feel like laughing. That was the day in my first year of Hogwarts when I knew I didn't want anything to do with James Potter and Sirius Black.
To their left, I recognized the boy Lily had been talking to yesterday. Strangely enough, I couldn't tear myself away from the sight of him, even when Professor Slughorn explained the subject matter to us.
"Today you will try your hand at a slightly more difficult healing potion. But it is extremely useful and you should be able to do it well. The Skele Grow. Who can tell me what this one is used for?" Professor Slughorn began. His gaze swept through our ranks. Several hands pushed up.
I knew the answer, but I didn't speak up. I always left the center of attention in class to others. I was too insecure to risk making a mistake in my answers. The shame would have literally eaten me up. This was something I desperately needed to work on, it flashed through my mind. And this was why I questioned being brave like a lion. How was I going to cope with this immense self-insecurity outside of Hogwarts? Where I got it, I knew all too well.
"Mister Snape!" shouted Professor Slughorn, he was happy to take students from his own house, because that way he could give the House of the Serpent some extra points.
"As the name suggests, the potion is a magical growth agent to regrow missing bones," Severus replied confidently in his low but piercing voice.
"Very good. 5 points for Slytherin. And what ingredients does the potion need?" Professor Slughorn asked, and I felt my eyes linger on the boy with the black hair, who just curled his lips at this question as if it were annoying. As if he would rather immediately reach for the ingredients and prepare the healing potion without any guidance from the professor, simply because he knew exactly what to do. The self-confidence he exuded in this subject was almost impressive. And I knew he had top marks on every essay he wrote, every potion he prepared.
"Can we begin?" Lily asked suddenly, snapping me out of my thoughts and the sight of Severus Snape starting to grind the teeth of a harpy with his graceful fingers.
"Yes, of course. Do we want to divide ourselves up? I'll chop up the first half of the ingredients and you the second half?" I asked after a quiet clearing of my throat.
"Yes, then all we have to do is put the ingredients together, that's ideal," Lily confirmed with a nod before we worked on the ingredients together.
The potions class was successful, even though my thoughts were elsewhere. Lily and I were among the few who managed to produce a very good Skele grow in a short period of time.
However, I noticed that Lily's friend Severus was watching us a lot. Under his gaze, I felt a tingling sensation on my skin, which I could hardly interpret. It felt strange, cold and hot at the same time.
I looked at him. He didn't seem to have anything special about him. He was tall, but his figure was rather thin. His fair skin stood out clearly against his dark hair, which fell into his face. His eyes were almost black and had a tremendous depth. I felt like I was dissolving into them when he suddenly returned my gaze.
He seemed interested, but at the same time reluctant. Why did I feel like his gaze got under my skin? Why did I think of him? Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Sirius sneakily throw something into Severus' cauldron. And before I could warn him, there was a loud hiss from Severus' brew and he turned his gaze away from me to look angrily at his cauldron and then at James and Sirius.
The two couldn't help but sneer. But Severus seemed to fix this quickly in his cauldron by throwing in some things that I couldn't see from a distance. And to my surprise, despite the incident, he received high praise from Professor Slughorn, which elicited a thin smile from Severus.
"Did you hear me, Catherine?" Lily asked loudly next to me and I reluctantly tore myself out of my thoughts and observations again.
"No, what did you say?" I asked, confused, but she didn't blame me and smiled at me instead.
"Whether we want to work together on the homework later, Professor Slughorn assigned it to us about production methods and effects of healing potions using Skele-grow as an example," she explained to me patiently.
"Oh, I'd love to," I replied, wondering again where her sudden interest in my company had come from. Her beautifully shaped lips formed a new smile and her almond-shaped, bright green eyes sparkled at me.
"Great. We now have Herbology with the Ravenclaws. Normally I share the seats there with Marlene and Dorcas. Would you like to come with us?" she asked me. I didn't understand why she suddenly wanted to spend so much time with me. I felt insecure and dodged her question:
"No, I mainly work with Mary and Alice. It's a rare opportunity to separate Alice and Frank," I replied, trying to return her smile as well.
"I understand," Lily said, but I couldn't stop smiling. She packed up her things and seemed to feel Severus' eyes now, too, because she gave him a short grin as he watched our conversation.
"Oh, he must be a little disappointed that I chose you as my partner this school year. So far, I've always worked with him on a cauldron. But he'll know why. So, see you later, Catherine," Lily Evans said lightly while I was still sealing my ingredients.
As I packed my ingredients into the bag, I saw Severus immediately walk up to Lily as she left her seat. His gait was strange, insidious, and somehow amusing to watch.
I had to smile. There was really something about him that interested me.
Arriving in the Greenhouse, I sat down as usual next to Alice and Mary, who now properly greeted me.
"Hey Mary, nice to have you back!" I said softly and put down my bag and found my protective gloves.
"Thank you, it took quite a while and unfortunately, I still have severe headaches on some days. But it'll be okay," she said, trying to smile but failing. It was strange because Mary used to be a person who smiled a lot. Now she seemed somehow more serious.
„And how was your holiday?" Alice asked me curiously. She actually knew about my situation at home, but she often seemed to forget it.
"Nothing special. Less arguments. Therefore, better than usual."; I replied rather vaguely, because I didn't like to talk so much about my childhood home. It made me uncomfortable because Alice and Mary were both lucky enough to grow up with love and money, so they often didn't really understand how I was doing without all that. And they haven't really bothered to understand me yet.
"And how were you, Alice?" I asked quickly, to distract from myself and my problems. The long strands of hair that fell slightly over my forehead, I put tensely back behind my ear.
"Oh, I introduced Frank to my parents and grandparents. And my brother Florean got along well with Frank right away. But I didn't expect anything else. You know, my grandparents are a little old-fashioned. So they were happy that I had found a pureblood, even if they would never openly admit it. But my parents are now considered blood traitors because they are also friends with Muggle-borns. This has often led to problems between the generations in the last few weeks," she replied with a thin smile. I often admired Alice for her confident nature. She didn't care what others thought of her, as long as everything was to her satisfaction.
"And Frank's parents?" I asked, because I had heard that he was raised in a strict house.
"Well, there's only his mother, Augusta, and she was very happy to finally meet me. I don't think I'm living up to her standards, but as she put it, as long as I don't get in the way of her son's ambitious plans to become an Auror, she's okay with our union. Well, she didn't know at the time that Frank wasn't the only one who had these ambitious plans." Alice laughed, and I joined them, Mary's face barely moving.
Even if I found it strange that in this magical world one bonded with another person so early, I was happy for them both. Alice had had a soft spot for Frank since our first year when he stumbled over a root right into her arms. He was an awkward wizard at first, due to his clumsiness and his mother's demands on him. But ever since Alice was by his side, he shone with very good grades and unique talent when it came to Defense Against the Dark Arts, I had no doubt that their goals would be fulfilled.
"Hello class! I'm sure you've already noticed this beguiling fragrance and no, I haven't launched a new perfume. What you smell is the subject of today's lesson... the Flutterby bush! Who can tell us about it?" said Professor Greene in his usual loud voice, undermining our friendly exchange, which had to wait until the end of the lesson.
Days passed, and I found myself searching for Severus Snape once again. This time, he was hanging in the air, ensnared in the trap set by James Potter and Sirius Black. I hesitated for a moment, considering whether I should help him again. Despite the difficulty it posed, a strange sense of sympathy for him overcame me.
As I approached, Severus seemed less dismissive than before. He looked at me with a hint of surprise when I offered my assistance.
"Thanks. What are you doing here so late anyway?" he asked after I gently released him to the ground.
"I could ask you the same thing. Although, you seem to generally like hanging out somewhere, huh?" I see a slight smirk play around his lips and I was pleased that my sense of humour seemed to amuse him, it gave me an oddly warm feeling.
"Yes, unfortunately, I find it hard to escape Potter and Black's expressions of love. It's a kind of special attraction, I suppose.", he said in his piercing but quiet voice, which also carried a soft undertone. I liked the way he talked but I looked hard at his face because it seemed strangely expressionless at this, but his dark eyes showed me his emotions. I saw pain in it and disappointment.
"Attraction? That's one way to put it.", I said with a furrowed brow, which made his eyes slit.
"I would like it to be different," he replied quietly, his gaze slid to the floor. Severus probably had imagined his life at Hogwarts differently. I imagined being harassed by two idiots all the time, no wonder he was so dismissive of me. I could have been as stupid as the Gryffindors he knew. Still, maybe he should be kinder to people especially if he didn't know them or couldn't assess them.
„You should probably be less...how should I put it...so Slytherin-like to everyone. I know you can be nice. Otherwise, Lily wouldn't be so close with you." I said with a smirk on my face to take the bitterness out of my words, but unfortunately his face paled right in front of me, although I didn't expect that his originally fair complexion could get any whiter.
"What did...Lily...say about me?" he stammered, his self-control slipping away, and a mix of uncertainty and irritation clouding his expression.
"Only that you became friends before Hogwarts. But she detested your friends with dark magic tendencies. And she's right about that, I think," I explained, sensing his discomfort. Did I have the right to tell him that when I often didn't know how to behave myself? I kept thinking too much about whether I was right or not.
"That's none of your business!" he said firmly. His jaw clenched, and he seemed defensive. Why was he so hostile? I had just helped him again, after all. I closed my eyes for a moment like I always do when I get mad.
"No, I guess you're right. And if you're not nicer to me next time, I'll just leave you hanging like your pureblood friends!", I replied now a bit unkindly.
We stared at each other for a moment before Severus nodded briefly. Was that an apology? Or was it like a hippogriff, which you had to look into the eyes of without blinking before they would accept you, according to Professor Kesselbrand, the teacher of magical creatures?
Severus suddenly picked up an old leather-bound book from the floor and stuffed it into his cloak before I could get a good look at it.
"I guess you're out here to read a lot, too?", I asked conciliatory. Rarely have other students been interested in additional core material. On the contrary, many tried to dodge the simplest homework.
"Indeed. It can get loud in our common room. And the library is crowded these days. I tend to like it quiet," he said in a low voice. He looked at me and his eyes literally bored into my face.
I felt myself blushing and his gaze unsettled me. Was that his intention?
"You too, apparently?" he asked, pointing his long finger at my book on the use of healing herbs for curse injuries. I nodded. Strange, we were in this place for the same reason.
"Yeah, we've got James and Sirius running riot in the Gryffindor common room. I guess that's all I have to say, right?" I said with an annoyed undertone und rolled my eyes. Often you could not learn in peace because of them and had to look for other possibilities.
Severus grinned at my words and nodded curtly. I probably made it clear to him that I wasn't a fan of either of his adversaries which put him in a better mood and made him consider my book more closely.
"But that's not school matter." he stated in surprise, frowning at me.
"Like yours, I guess." I replied in a happy voice because I sensed that it was not without reason that he wanted to keep his lecture hidden from me.
I grinned mockingly and watched him closely. His eyes narrowed to slits, looking at me with a strange expression. I saw through him and he probably didn't expect it.
"Don't get me wrong, I appreciate usually reserved people. But I'm more used to being surrounded by chatters around here. And you're not particularly talkative about yourself, are you?", he asked and I had to laugh briefly that this comment. I was used to keeping my thoughts to myself; long sentences rarely came out of my mouth. But I didn't think that Severus Snape of all people had noticed.
"For a Gryffindor. I mean, they tend to be too talkative and boastful otherwise.", he added defiantly,
"You mean someone like James Potter and Sirius Black?" I asked him, eyebrows raised. Personally, I didn't hold the two in high esteem, but when I thought of the many other, mostly female Gryffindors, the situation was different.
"Yes, I suppose they are patterns of your house?" he stated, and I felt a cold bitterness rising in his voice.
"It depends on who you ask. But I'm afraid I'm not a typical sample of my house. I would say that's my specialty," I stated in a low voice.
Severus eyed me briefly and shook his head.
"You are really odd." Severus said, but if I had taken that as an insult coming from anyone else's mouth, I could tell by the twinkle in his eyes that it wasn't. Actually, his comment would have made me feel insecure and silent with anyone else, but he made me feel kind of like myself, even though he made me uncertain at the same time. And I didn't know if those two things I felt in his presence weren't actually mutually exclusive. I was confused.
"Maybe, but I guess we have that in common then." I replied, smiling. "Being different is sometimes the better option."
"But it's something that can also weaken you, makes you vulnerable." He looked at me with narrowed eyes.
"Maybe that's the challenge life throws at us, Severus… What are you afraid of?", l let my thoughts flow straight onto my tongue. Something like that was new to me. Otherwise, I weighed each sentence to see if it was worth it. Because I knew exactly what he meant by that - to be vulnerable, faulty if you didn't belong to a group of friends. Something we both seemed to want but didn't achieve.
He considered my question and clenched his hands into fists. The air of the beginning of the evening felt cold against my skin, and I couldn't shake the feeling that our conversation was unlocking something within him.
"Losing someone who is important to me." Severus finally confessed. A shadow crossed his face, and I sensed a depth of vulnerability that I hadn't expected. Before I could delve deeper, his gaze shifted, and a guarded look settled in his eyes.
"I understand why Lily told me to be nice to you. You're kind of smart." he acknowledged with a hint of surprise, as if the realization had just struck him.
"Maybe you should sleep on that." I noted with amusement. A gust of air travelled down the ridge before it grabbed us and blew my hair right in front of my face. With quick movements, I cleared my gaze just around him to see him grin about my appearance. Or was he laughing at what I said? I couldn't make it out anymore.
"Well, enjoy your book. And... thanks for your help.", he said quietly and turned to leave.
I grinned broadly at him and continued walking to my usual reading spot. As I sat down and just in front of me, to my surprise I noticed that I could see him clearly under "his" tree on the other side of the lake. How long had we been spending time apart in our books?
I had never noticed him before, but that could mean nothing. Because once I opened a book, I was literally caught up in it. In a world of letters, my world, my wall to the outside.
But he had called me smart, just like Lily. This inexplicably filled me with joy. But Lily asking him to be nice to me was kind of weird. Why exactly did she want that? Was it the same reason she suddenly became friends with me, after all these years of us being in the same bedroom and only exchanging superficial things?
I could feel myself not quite finding my way to the book's contents this time.
My eyes strayed over to the other side of the grounds, to the tree under which a Slytherin was engrossed in his own book.
As days melted into the early evening, I found myself drawn to the tranquil moments by the lake. Encounters with Severus unfolded gradually, evolving into a quiet routine—an unspoken agreement between two souls seeking solace in the serenity of the evening and a shared love for books that transcended the confines of mere textbooks.
One particular evening, under the silvery glow of the early moon, Severus approached me, clutching a familiar leather-bound book. Without uttering a word, he handed it over, and recognition struck as I realised it was the same book he had discreetly hidden during our initial encounter.
"Thought you might find this interesting," he mumbled, almost reluctantly. The book delved into the realm of ancient potions and obscure magical remedies.
"Thank you," I replied, a genuine smile gracing my lips. It felt like a gesture marking the beginning of a friendship. I was captivated by something that could almost be considered an interest in me. Severus loaned me a book, and I was eager to read it, hoping to learn more about him in the process.
"Can I ask you something?" he inquired, his dark eyes searching mine for understanding.
"Of course," I responded, tucking the book into my worn leather bag.
"You're always so quiet and reserved in class. But when brewing a potion or casting a charm, you excel. It can't be due to a lack of talent," he remarked, furrowing his brow. Had he been watching me in the last school hours together?
Reflecting on his question, I hesitated before unsteadily pushing my long hair behind my ears. "I think I'm scared," I admitted quietly, my gaze downcast.
"Scared? A Gryffindor? Of what?" he asked incredulously, his black eyes widening.
After a moment's pause, I met his sparkling eyes and confessed, "Rejection."
Severus shattered the silence with a new question that hung in the air, laden with unspoken emotions. "Do you ever feel like you don't quite fit into this world?"
The inquiry had crossed my mind more than once, a sentiment that resonated deeply. I nodded, recognising that, despite the magical wonders of Hogwarts, there were parts of us yearning for something different.
"I think that's why we find peace in books and these quiet place," I replied, a shared understanding passing between us.
Yet, beneath the surface, a bond was forming—one that transcended the boundaries of houses and expectations. It felt like the beginning of an unspoken connection, a silent understanding that went beyond the occasional help and banter.