If I could go back in time
I'd shoot my shot
I'd risk it all
If I could go back in time
I'd shoot my shot
Just so I could have a chance with you
With you
You are always on my mind
Sitting here I am waiting
Ones like you they make me shy
Innocently intimidating
- chance with you by mehro

"Put down your feathers, please!" Professor Flitwick called. "You, too, Stebbins! Please stay seated until I collect the parchments! Accio!"

The scrolls of parchment from the Defense Against the Dark Arts exams flew over our heads at Flitwick, knocking him to the ground. A few students laughed, but he quickly got back to his feet with the help of two students in the front. Flitwick had filled in for our former professor, who had to leave the post early due to his wife's illness. But it came as no surprise to anyone in the new school year to have a different teacher. No one lasted more than a year in this position.

After we were allowed to leave, everyone chattering loudly and Lily quickly ran to me, her hair flowed behind her. I grinned broadly at her.

"How did you like it, Catherine? I had no problems. It was good that we prepared with Severus, wasn't it? He simply has the best overview in this subject." she said and seemed relaxed after this test, which seemed to have gone so well. And she was right, because Severus had rehearsed a lot of things with us that were actually asked.

"Yes, I'm also hoping for an 'Outstanding'. All the learning should have been worth it in the end." I said relieved. Even if I had no problems in the test, I was exhausted. I looked around, many of my comrades had dark circles under their eyes from studying until late at night the last days. We were all quite taken by surprise by the requirements and the efforts weren't over yet because more examen were waiting for us. The tension in most was palpable, many were irritable.

"Where is Severus anyway? I just saw him." Lily asked, looking around in the Great Hall, whose long blackboards had disappeared and were swapped against our writing desks so that we sat one at a time.

"I'm sure he's busy analysing the questions again. You know him! He has to be sure that his novels were really correct." I answered and had to smile at the thought of how much parchment he must have covered in his tiny, cramped handwriting in a short time. My gaze swept through the crowd, but I didn't see him.

"Come on, let's just go to the Black Lake like the others. Then we can catch our breath until the learning for Transfiguration. The exam is the day after tomorrow and I would like to go through a few things again." said Lily not without excitement in her voice. After the exam was before the exam.

I nodded with a grin and slowly walked towards the lake with Lily while we thought about what we would do together during the holidays after these strenuous exams.

"You're welcome to visit me for a few weeks if you still want. My parents don't mind. But maybe my sister, unfortunately she's not enthusiastic about magic. But she's probably spending a lot of her holidays with a boy she's met. His name is Vernon, I hope to meet him soon." she didn't explain without revealing a certain sadness about her sister in her voice.

"That's very kind of your parents, Lily. Yes, I'm afraid otherwise I'll have to listen to my parents' many arguments again. Then we can also do something and save Severus from the same problem." I stated quietly, at the same time grateful for the prospect of being able to spend the holidays with my two best friends.

"Yes, that's right. You two have some things in common in that direction." she said quietly and looked at me with pitying eyes. I tried to avoid her gaze and stared at the stone floor in front of me. I was still uncomfortable showing that side of myself to Lily because she had such wonderful parents and was raised so lovingly. An uncomfortable feeling rumbled in my stomach. I bit my lower lip painfully to shake off this negative feeling, but unfortunately it flooded through me.

"I have to go to the girls' toilet. Go ahead meanwhile." I interjected to buy myself a few minutes alone.

Lily nodded a little irritated, but still smiling friendly and walked slowly towards the lake. I rushed to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face. What kind of situation is this? I'm jealous of my best friend, to everything she has: a great family, great talent and the love of Severus. I tried to suppress the last point. What should I care? Severus loved Lily, not me. I finally had to get rid of these negative feelings, because I didn't like them.

I took a quick look in the mirror again. Drops of water fell down from my nose. I tried to smile, but the thought of Lily getting together with Severus pierced my brain. Would my feelings for him get in the way of our friendship? I certainly felt them beginning to poison me. I couldn't allow that. I needed to distance myself from my unrequited feelings, perhaps through some distance from Severus himself? But wouldn't that also mean a break in our friendship? I don't want to do without this at all. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and decided to postpone all this until the school holidays. Then I had enough time and distance to think about my feelings and the best way to deal with them. For the time being it should remain as it was.

When I got to the Black Lake, I saw a full horrific scene I had missed in the beginning. James and Sirius stood across from Severus and Lily. Severus just fell to the ground. I quickened my steps and saw Severus scrambling to his feet, wiping foam from his mouth. His eyes were filled with hatred, his hands clenched into fists. I had never seen him like this before. When I was within earshot, I heard what I never thought possible.

"I don't need the help of a filthy mudblood like you!" Severus exclaimed, pointing at Lily.

Could he really have said that? To Lily? Can he dare?

She slowly turned to face him, her hands clenched into fists.

I quickened my steps, my heart pounding wildly.

"Fine, then I don't care in the future. And I'd wash my underpants if I were you, Snivellus!" Lily's voice was so cold and her eyes sparkling with disgust at Severus, it made my blood run cold. Lily looked furious like I've never saw her before.

"Apologize to Evans!" James Potter yelled and threatened Severus with his wand drawn in front of the surrounding crowd that had gathered to enjoy the spectacle.

"No, I don't want YOU to make him apologize. After all, you are just like him." Lily exclaimed indignantly, putting her hands on her hips menacingly, her gaze fixed on James.

I muffled the rest of the conversation, feeling nauseous and sagging slightly. I watched as Lily tossed her red hair and stomped off in the other direction, her footsteps powerful and quick so I couldn't see her face anymore.

What was going on here? My friends fought in public? That couldn't be. Then what will become of us? After all, they were my best friends, my family. My eyes went black and I tried to catch myself.

After a few strong breaths, a few snippets of speech got through to me again.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit of a conceited show-off, mate." Sirius offered and looked after Lily with a strange expression. James looked very angry to Severus who was just trying to grab his wand that was lying to the side.

"Right. Who wants to see me take off Snivelly´s pants?" James called out and with a flash of light Severus hung back in his usual position – upside down. Foam spurted out of his mouth again, so he couldn't say anything.

Even though Severus had just done something unforgivable, it wasn't the right kind of punishment.

"Stop it!" I yelled, pushing past the surrounding students. "It's enough! Do you really think you're bettering him if you keep torturing him? And always two against one? It's only going to get worse, James." Now I cast a menacing shadow on the two directly in front of me, but I also directed my eyes to James, whom I believed to be the cause of this action because why else would Lily have turned her attention only to him? Yep, that was the perfect approach to finally bringing James to his senses.

"And if you want to impress Lily, then I have a tip for you: it takes brain! But you're missing that obviously. So, better work on that! Otherwise, I guess I'll have to start torturing you and your friends a little bit so you can feel it too!" I shouted urgently. I pointed my wand menacingly at Potter, who blanched. Black stepped between us and raised his wand as well. The mood was tense. In my head I searched for a suitable spell. The students around us held their breath, spellbound.

"Do you have a little girlfriend, Snivellus? Sweet, how she stands up for you. Want her to keep you company up there?" Sirius asked loudly and sneering.

"Leave it, Sirius! She is right. This guy's not worth it. He's a loser anyway." James exclaimed, lowering his wand. Sirius stared at him in disbelief with raised eyebrows.

"You just want to spare her because she's a friend of Lily's, right?" Sirius asked quietly to his best friend.

James nodded and spoke softly to Sirius, who now lowered his wand but continued to study me, before he nodded too. So, they left after a few breaths, and I sigh in relief, but a lot of thoughts were circling in my head.

"Go away, it's over. You'd better study for the exam the day after tomorrow!" I shouted to the surrounding crowd and briefly observed how the students slowly dispersed.

"Finite Incantatem." I pointed the wand at Severus, who slid to the floor and found his voice without foam again.

"Don't think I'm grateful to you! You're just a dirty mudblood as everyone else. You will all see who the true great wizard is. They won't even look at people like you anymore." Severus cried out insanely, intoxicated by his intense hatred and perhaps the big fight he was now having with Lily. His words hurt my heart so damn... a mudblood like everyone else...that's all I was. Anger swelled within me, washing away all restraint.

"That's enough for me, Severus! With all the sympathy I feel for you. It's getting worse with you! What are you talking about? What are you hoping for? Friends? Love? I know you and it's not you! You are losing yourself, Severus! Why don't you see that?" I yelled at him, but I couldn't get any further because my throat tightened.

Tears streamed down my face, I turned away quickly so he couldn't see my suffering. But as I ran, I felt his eyes piercing me while my heart seemed to explode in pain and shock.

I tried to calm down and looked for Lily, but she was nowhere to be found on the premises. Luckily Dorcas saw me looking for her and called out that Lily had run into Gryffindor tower. And that's where I found her – in our dorm. Some of our classmates gathered around her to comfort her. But they went whispered away when they saw me. I immediately wrapped Lily in my arms, fighting back my own pain. She cried softly on my shoulder and I stroked her red hair soothingly.

"How could he say such a thing? I thought he would change." She sniffed softly.

"I think he was so angry at the moment that he wasn't thinking. You know his animosity towards James and Sirius." I explained in a soft voice and tried to calm myself with it. He hadn't meant it all, he was ready for the trials, the enmity with Black and Potter... but did it all really justify such an insult and ideology? I bit my lower lip painfully because I knew the answer.

"He's been thinking far too little lately!" she scolded.

"Severus was trying to change. For you." I said truthfully, my throat tightened, making it difficult to breathe.

"For me?" Lily asked while wiping her face to dry her tears. I nodded imperceptibly.

"Didn't you ever notice? How Severus looks at you? He only has eyes for you." I said, trying to suppress the bitterness in my voice.

Lily was silent for a moment as if she were carefully weighing the content of my words in her thoughts, her gaze was fixed on the wall behind me.

"No. I hoped so for a while, but he never said anything about it. He...I... Well, it's too late for that now." her voice sounded higher than usual and somehow flippant.

"Do you love him too?" I asked in a choked voice. She shook her head and now looked into my eyes.

"I had feelings for him. Previously. Before he started all this mudblood shit. How can I love someone who hates people like me? Someone who accepts dark magic against muggleborns and muggles? Offended me? How can I still be friends with him?" she said angrily. I gasped, these were exactly the questions I was asking myself.

"I don't know, Lily. But don't you think... if he would apologize...", I stammered awkwardly as I thought about her words.

"What's that supposed to change? It doesn't change what he thinks and feels, all this pure-blood crap, he'll never give it up. And have you ever asked him about his plans for the future? I heard him talking to some others in the library a few days earlier. Most Slytherins in his class want to join you know who. Can you believe that?" she said with a harsh tone in her voice, as if she had finished with him for a long time, if all her thoughts had only needed one last stone, which was set in motion by the word mudblood against herself. And at the same time, I was frightened by what she had told me.

"Severus wants to be a Death Eater after Hogwarts?" I asked in a brittle voice because it was the last thing I had hoped for. What did he want there? Kill Muggle-borns like me? "Why didn't you tell me that? We could have brought him to his senses, Lily."

"Don't you think I wouldn't have tried? But Severus is contaminated, through and through. He is evil. Like Mulciber. Or Wilkes and Avery."

Suddenly we heard footsteps and froze. It was Mary and she looked us tired, with raised eyebrows and folded arms.

"This Snape is outside the common room making a huge fuss. He's dying to see you, Lily." she said, not without resentment in her voice.

"He can forget about that," Lily said pitilessly.

"He threatens to sleep in front of the entrance to our tower." Mary stated and rolled her eyes at this seemingly pointless persistence.

Lily looked at me briefly, I gave her an encouraging nod as my heart broke into a thousand pieces. Lily sighed loudly and got up, put on her dressing gown and went to him. I was left alone and feeling shitty. Severus only wants to talk to her, not to us, not to me.

Why was he only thinking of her? Did his friendship with me mean so little to him? Why?

But with that, it seemed like the right decision to leave him, didn't it? What choice did I have? Tears ran down my cheeks, I tried to suppress all feelings in me, but I couldn't.

I pounded my fists against the cold stonewall. My feelings for him meant nothing to him, I meant nothing to him.

This realization was so far-reaching for me that at that moment I saw completely clearly again and knew what I had to do. I knew in that moment that I had to let him go. I had to think of myself because I couldn't be by his side any longer, knowing that Lily was the only thing that mattered to him. He would never look at me the way he looked at her. I finally had to accept it. And since my friendship wasn't worth anything to him either, I didn't have to torture myself any further.

I got up, wiped my tears away with my sleeve and went to bed. I sat tensely with the decker over my body because I was starting to tremble all over.

A few minutes passed before Lily returned to the dormitory. My body spasmed as Lily sat down next to me on the bed.

"I haven't forgiven him. He just disgusts me. He hasn't even denied that he and his friends want to become Death Eaters. I deeply despise him for it. Forever. He belongs to this gang, he can stay there. Without me. And I hope even without you or do you support him and his poisonous thoughts?" Lily asked me and raised her head to look me straight in the eye. There was the question I had been afraid of. I had to choose between Severus and her. My best friends.

I swallowed and closed my eyes. Severus would not give up his future as a Death Eater. If he didn't do it for Lily, he certainly didn't do it for me. My feelings for him seemed unbroken, at least my heart literally jumped in two at the thought of giving up my contact with him. But he would never feel for me something like love, his heart clearly belonged to Lily, always.

When I opened my eyes, I looked into her eyes sparkling with anger. She was the one who had freed me from my loneliness, who brought light into my day. She was there for me when I needed her, she didn't see me as a Muggle-born witch but as her best friend and I knew she would always be my rock.

But Lily noticed my hesitation because it took me a few moments to answer and her eyebrows rose menacingly high.

"You're right, Lily," was the only thing I could say. Lily nodded resolutely and so it seemed sealed. And it hurts like hell.

We were silent together until we fell asleep.

After our last exam in Transfiguration, which I was able to fixate on with great effort, I spent most of the few days of the rest of the school year with Lily on the beautiful grounds of Hogwarts, distracting ourselves from the big falling out with Severus. We swam in the lake with the others, watched the Giant Squid or chatted with Hagrid, who Lily had become friends with over the years.

"You know Lily, James often visits me here in the woods with his friends. I know you don't think much of the boy, but I think you'll get along well once you get to know him better, huh?" He said over a cup of tea, grinning at Lily.

"And his friend Remus isn't a bad boy either. He's smart." Hagrid said to me with a grin.

"Oh Hagrid, did James enlist you to talk me out about him in the meantime?" Lily asked annoyed, but I saw her smile slightly at the thought of him. I took a sip of my tea before intervening.

"I don't know, Hagrid. I always see them messing around - be it in the common room or in the corridors. You could hardly go to class at the beginning of the school year without hanging in the hallways or receiving other curses. And I know they started it."

"Oh, that's just a harmless joke. Don't take it so seriously, they're still young and have a few fluffs in the head, don't they?" said Hagrid, amused, waving his hand in front of his face at my objection.

I thought about it. Even Severus has his nonsense in his head, although others are the bums.

"You're probably right, Hagrid. Although a lot of things aren't just harmless." I stated. Lily gave me a sharp sideways glance, knowing who I was thinking of. I blushed slightly.

"Hagrid, I think we need some distraction. Do you perhaps have another task for me? I'd like to take Catherine with me." Lily said suddenly.

I looked at her in astonishment and Hagrid stopped pouring tea for us too.

"Don't worry, I trust her," she added at his irritated sight.

"Well, there's something I need some help with. Aragog's injured and I need to change his bandages." Lily clapped her hands.

"Great. You couldn't find anyone better as Catherine. She has great talent when it comes to healing magic, doesn't you?" I looked at her in astonishment.

"Who is Aragog?" I asked.

"You'd better ask what is Aragog?" Lily laughed. "So, tonight around 11 p.m.?" she asked.

Hagrid nodded happily. "Very good. So I'm looking forward to your help. But not a word to anyone, yes?"

"Of course, Hagrid. As always."

As we both walked back up to the castle for dinner, I asked in a whisper, "What does that mean? We are not allowed to sneak out of the castle at night to go to the Forbidden Forest."

"Oh, don't worry. I've met Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest many times. Severus was never enthusiastic about it and didn't go along with it either. But you're in Gryffindor."

We entered the Great Hall, there was a great bustle around us, everyone was excited because they were going home in two days.

"That doesn't mean I'm being headless," I said to Lily.

"Outrageous!" shouted the headless Nick behind us and rushed past us. We burst out laughing. It was good to laugh so carefree.

"No, seriously Lily. I don't want to risk to be expelled." I said after a while. It would be the worst thing for me to be expelled from the world of magic, completely unthinkable to risk it.

"You sound just like Severus," she said in a disappointed voice.

Yes, Severus and I didn't believe in breaking rules unnecessarily. I didn't know until now that Lily liked doing this. But Lily accepted my opinion just as she had accepted Severus' earlier.

Even the summer holidays couldn't help me organize my thoughts or let my feelings cool down. I was full of anger and desperation, hate and love. All so close together that it left me with one great confusion.

Lily and I wrote a lot of letters to each other. She had invited me to her home, but I couldn't bear the close proximity to Severus. So, I wrote to her that my parents wanted me to be there during the holidays, although I hadn't even asked their opinion. At least they argued less because they had decided it was better to keep quiet. So, that prevented physical escalations during the time I was staying with them.

Notes:

Now it was time for the big fight. And the fifth school year is done.
We will now look at Severus from a distance and accompany some experiences that our characters need - for the fight against Voldemort and the fight with their own feelings.