Can't find another way
While I run between the waves
Blinded by the air while the coastline disappear
I'm the ocean, you're the light
I'm the ocean, you're the light
I'm the ocean, you're the light
See the lighthouse in the way
Miles away from here
Blinded by the fear while the coastline disappear
- Lighthouse by Vaarin
They were standing in a lousy chamber full of filth. Minerva wrinkled her nose as she looked around.
"I don't know, Albus. Are you sure you can stand it here any longer?" she asked, looking sadly at the greasy windows that didn't allow a view of the outside.
"Sure. I'm very close to Hogwarts and yet no one will be looking for me here," Dumbledore explained with a smile.
"At the Hog's Head Inn, surely no one ever expects a person of decency," Minerva grumbled, shaking her head in disgust.
"And that's why it's the best shelter, isn't it, Severus?"
Severus, meanwhile, stood motionless against the wall. His thoughts were absent. He thought of Catherine. By now, had she learned of the dilemma they were in? Dumbledore was forced to flee from Hogwarts after Potter carelessly named his secret organization Dumbledore's Army. How could he be so stupid? But that suited the boy's delusions of grandeur. Like his father. And yet he knew that Catherine would reprimand him for his harsh thoughts. To her, Potter was still a boy, innocent and in his development. But Severus saw the failure in him. The failure in his intended task. Didn't his stupid behaviour show very well that he was unworthy to face the Dark Lord? He couldn't manage to become the wizard who could stand a chance against him in the short time they had left.
"Severus?" he suddenly heard the headmaster ask. He released himself from his torpor and the whirlwind of thoughts to look into the questioning face of the old wizard.
"Yes, sir?" he replied, trying not to let his mind wander. "I hear." He almost added the familiar phrase 'My Lord', but he could remember better in time.
"Minerva, would you please leave us alone for a moment? I still have something in-depth to discuss with Severus and would be happy if you could find us some tea in the meantime that comes from the Stormy Scots brand. As far as I know, a preference of your family?" said Dumbledore, looking over his half-moon glasses with sparkling eyes, which made Minerva nod eagerly.
"I'll do my best. My uncle usually has a large supply in his cottage and it's time for a long overdue visit. If you can get along here, I'll spend a few minutes-"
"Thank you, Minerva. It will help me feel more at home here," Albus explained and leaned back slightly in his chair to reveal the rancid table in front of him, which made Minerva's eyes roll again because of the mess.
"Of course, Albus. There is no other condition here. At least you need exquisite tea," she said, getting up and storming through the shabby wooden door, which left Severus with a sense of unease. He swore a standing ovation, which he had deeply detested since childhood.
"I was just going to ask you to send a message to the Order and keep quiet about my current whereabouts. But I'm not sure if I can trust you anymore," Albus said in a harsh tone as he turned back to Severus. There was no longer any trace of his grandfatherly manner, which he often showed to outsiders or students.
"Why do you think you can't trust me anymore?" Severus asked. Resistance stirred within him. Didn't he do everything that was necessary? He taught this good-for-nothing Potter potions, and tried to teach him rules and manners. And for this he had sacrificed what had meant most to him, his great love.
"Your heart is not in it. I feel like you're with a certain woman rather than saving this world and everyone in it," Albus said, looking at him intently.
Damn. Severus had guessed that Dumbledore knew it from the beginning, and yet he had hoped it wasn't. It would make everything more difficult. He clenched his jaw violently.
"I don't understand-" he began, but Albus's body stiffened and stood up in front of him.
"Do you think I don't notice that your thoughts are still with that witch? I thought Catherine was reminding you of your duty to Lily and not that she would make you forget your guilt. You swore to give me everything."
"In exchange for their lives!" Severus looked at Dumbledore with his mouth open. "I thought you were taking care of her! Protect her, but-"
"We've already had the conversation, Severus. Lily and James have put their trust in Peter. Just as you hoped Lord Voldemort would spare them," Dumbledore said dismissively.
"Catherine has nothing to do with my guilt. She must not be dragged into all this."
"You're the one who got her involved, Severus. She is in danger because you have usurped her in your loneliness. Isn't it Lily Evans who should show you the way forward? I think, we had this similar conversation weeks ago." Dumbledore asked, watching Severus, who seemed to be looking through a veil of pain. He was right. Catherine was in danger because of him and his guilt towards Lily had not been atoned for. Not by a long shot. Severus couldn't let himself become weak again, he had to finally complete and deal with his separation from her. But it was so damn difficult to see her at every meeting of the Order, to feel her pleading gaze on him with her beautiful eyes in which he was used to completely sinking.
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I thought you understood how important it is that all your attention is on your task. You swore on Lily Evans' death that your life would be for her son! He needs protection and-"
"You swore it would stay between us! That you'll never tell everyone that I'm helping Potter's son," Severus spat with hatred at the thought of Harry Potter. He was the boy whose shortcomings had brought him all this.
"I remember promising not to reveal the best in you," Albus said dryly. "But I expect you to abide by our agreement as well. Your priority is our mission. Your priority is Harry Potter. No female distraction."
Severus bit the insides of his cheeks to swallow his thoughts. But Catherine wasn't a distraction. She was so much more than that. She was his life. But that didn't count. If Potter were to fail, so would her survival. That wasn't an option. He resolutely began to block out the drama in his heart. He knew that the boy would eventually face off against the Dark Lord. He knew he had to do everything in his power to get the brat to safety until then... Again and again.
"I understand," Severus said stoically, lowering his gaze, just as he was used to with the Dark Lord. He really did. But if he hadn't done all that in the last few weeks, when he had already kept Catherine at a distance from him in the hope that it would be easier for him and her. But everything in Severus seemed to resist moving away from her even more since then. He had thought long and hard about how he could do this without breaking her heart and himself for good? But the most important thing would be to make it plausible. She was not allowed to suspect what his true motives were. She would have to believe that he didn't love her and maybe never loved her. That it was only her flesh that he had desired, but never her soul and heart. It was as if Severus swallowed acid down his throat at these thoughts.
"You know what's required of you. It's better to focus on that now. We don't have much time left. Has the Dark Lord already changed his orders and have you been able to come to terms with Harry's occlumency hours in the meantime?" asked Dumbledore and Severus drew in a sharp breath.
"You know why I can't continue these hours. You said yourself that no one is allowed to invade my thoughts and memories. It was too dangerous for everyone involved. Potter dared to cross this line despite my precautions. There will be no continuation. Should he do it again-"
"I had hoped you could finally get rid of your hostility towards each other. For the greater good."
Again, the memory changed and this time, it was Severus who wanted to show it to me. In front of Severus stood two women. I immediately recognized the black-haired figure with the tower hairstyle and the heavy eyelids. Next to her stood a tall blond woman, in tears. Her eyes were very red, as were her nose and lips trembling with each heavy breath. To my surprise, I immediately recognized where exactly the three were. In Spinner's end in the house with which I actually had so many pleasant memories.
"But what help do you want, Narcissa? If you think I can persuade the Dark Lord to change his mind, I'm afraid I can't give you any hope. Not even the slightest," Severus said seriously. He knew his hands were tied. The Dark Lord chose Draco for this thankless task, and secretly he was grateful for it. Because all these years he had believed that the Dark Lord would put it on him. As a final proof of his allegiance and loyalty to the Dark Lord. But the fact that his own godson, of all people, was to take on this role tormented him in the most thankless way imaginable.
"Severus... My son... my only son," Narcissa whispered, tears streaming down her hollow cheeks.
"Draco had better be proud, because the Dark Lord is giving him the great honour of this deed. And Draco doesn't shy away from his duty. He seems happy about this great opportunity to prove himself and is eager for his task," Narcissa's sister Bellatrix replied euphorically, indifferent to the violent crying Narcissa fell into. But not without looking deep into Severus' eyes.
"Why, Severus? It's too dangerous! I know it's revenge for my husband's mistake!" cried Narcissa in a tortured voice. Severus had to blink, it was too hard for him to see the woman he had known and appreciated since school days like that. She was always the woman at his friend's side who didn't treat him as condescendingly as others in their circles. She always called him by his first name. Something that even Lucius often found difficult. They wanted to point out his ancestry too much. Snape. Not Prince.
And now she was standing in front of him. Broken. From the war. From the Dark Lord. He saw himself pleading. Supplicating for the life of a loved one. But he couldn't save it.
Severus didn't say anything, his throat was too dry, his pain too great. He turned away from her, but he knew he couldn't ignore her and her words.
"That's why he chose Draco, isn't it?" she insisted. "He wants to punish Lucius!"
Severus tried to study the curtains of his window to keep his gaze occupied. They were not to see the pain he was hiding.
"If he succeeds, he will be given great honour. More than anyone else," he replied, trying to agree with Bellatrix and not attracting any attention, nothing should make the two of them doubt his loyalty.
"How is he supposed to succeed? Not even the Dark Lord could... Severus, please! You always have been Draco's favourite teacher, his godfather, Lucius' old friend... I beg you... you enjoy the Dark Lord's favour, you are his confidant, his advisor. Please change his mind, talk to him, and-" Narcissa seemed to be putting everything on the line, so he stopped her before she revealed more than she would like. He wasn't sure to what extent Bellatrix wouldn't sacrifice her own family herself.
"The Dark Lord will not be swayed. No one is stupid enough to try," Severus said seriously and emphatically. "I don't want to hide the fact that The Dark Lord is angry with your family, because Lucius was responsible and allowed himself to be captured, along with too many others. The prophecy is irretrievably lost. The Dark Lord's fury is immeasurable."
"So, I was right..." Narcissa stammered and staggered towards Severus, who receded noticeably. But she grabbed him by the cloak, her face coming uncomfortably close to his, but he knew she wanted to show him her tears, her despair, her pain.
"You could do it instead of Draco, Severus. I'm sure you'd succeed, and he'd reward you more than all of us. You could wish them all-" she stammered, but Severus cried out at her words. He grabbed her hard by the wrists and wrenched himself out of her grip, which he found transgressive. But when he looked at her tear-stained face, he saw not only his own plea for Lily's life, but also for her son. He protected Potter all those damn years. But did the life of his godson Draco cost him more? He had sacrificed his love for Potter. Should he give his soul for Draco? But deep down he had long suspected the truth of this question.
"I suspect the Dark Lord wants me to do it in the end. But Draco should try it first. That way I could play my role as a spy at Hogwarts for longer and-" But as soon as Narcissa interrupted him, he knew he had no choice. He finally knew the truth on the other side, and his last conversation with Dumbledore pierced his consciousness. He was going to die, that curse... the charred hand.
Narcissa let out one last cry of desperation, clawing her hands into her blonde hair like a fury. A feeling of familiarity came over Severus at that moment, because he knew exactly how it felt to be in her position. So, he grabbed her and lifted her back to her feet, pushed her onto the couch and pressed more wine into her hand.
"Listen to me, Narcissa. It can be...maybe I can help Draco."
"You would help? Oh Severus, nothing will happen to him?"
"I'll try."
Suddenly, to his surprise, she pushed the glass aside and knelt in front of him, his hand clasping his and she pressed her lips to it, causing him to flinch at this unwanted gesture. He knew at that moment what he had just gotten himself into and cursed to have felt pity.
"Severus, will you swear? Will you take the Unbreakable vow?" Narcissa's voice suddenly asked in the background, and he wondered if this had been planned long in advance. To drive him into a corner with false tears. His heart stiffened at the thought. That was clearly going too far.
"The Unbreakable vow?" he asked, trying to keep his face expressionless, even though he was raging inwardly with anger at himself and his thoughts were racing to find a solution and find his way out of this dilemma. He looked down at Narcissa's watery blue eyes. No, they were honest. Their feelings of pain, of despair. He knew she didn't have the strength to do it herself. Sacrificing herself for her son, as Lily once did.
"He's just going to try, Narcissa. As usual, he shies away from action. Hasn't he always done that? On the Dark Lord's orders, of course." Bellatrix cackled.
Severus knew he couldn't escape it. It was the Dark Lord's plan anyway, Dumbledore's plan. And so, he could at least make sure that Draco remained safe from the Dark Lord's new rage about his undoubted failure. At that moment, he no longer thought about what it would do to him, what it would finally mean for him and his own life.
"Take your wand, Bellatrix." He said coolly, sinking to his knees next to Narcissa. They both clasped their hands. He had only read this magic in a book, never performed it or seen it before. But he knew the consequences of breaking it. It would be immediate death.
Narcissa took the floor.
"Will you, Severus Snape, watch over my son Draco when he tries to fulfil the Dark Lord's wishes?" she asked him and he exhaled in relief and agreed, so that a thin glowing flame slid out of the fence and snaked around both sides.
"Will you protect Draco from danger by any means necessary?"
"I will," Severus answered, secretly hoping to let go, but as another line wrapped around her, Narcissa whispered the all-important question. The question that would end his future with Catherine.
"If Daco fails... Will you yourself carry out the deed that the Dark Lord ordered my son to do?" He knew she was in too much danger and could jeopardize that oath. When he agreed, he knew there was no turning back. He would have to kill a human being for the first time in his life. This would be his master, his friend, Dumbledore. He thought back to the last conversation he had with Dumbeldore as he closed his eyes:
"You know what's required of you. It's better to focus on that now. We don't have much time left. Has the Dark Lord changed his orders and trusted you with Draco's task?" asked Dumbeldore and Severus' gaze slid to the wizard's charred hand, swallowing. Draco's job had become his, if it hadn't always been. He had taken the incalculable oath. He knew in that moment that he would be the one who would kill Dumbledore and not a teenager with a fear of failure. Not his own godson.
"I guess it's only a matter of time," Severus replied with a dry throat.
"Excellent. Then you know what your next steps will be?" Dumbledore asked, leaning back slowly and almost with pleasure. But nothing about Severus betrayed his true feelings of despair except the slight curling of his lips as he nodded. Certainly, he knew what to do. He had to close his heart.
Again, these memories blurred and Severus suddenly found himself in front of me. He stared into my wide-open eyes, my open mouth, and his eyes lingered on my lips, which he would have loved to enclose with his. Had he known that this moment had come today, he would have enjoyed the last few minutes much more, soaked up much more, knowing that they were the last.
He imperceptibly bit the insides of his cheeks to inflame the physical pain he preferred, so as not to have to feel the pain of his heart, which suddenly seemed overwhelming. But the situation was favourable. She had finally betrayed their relationship to Lupin, even though she was aware that this was a breach of trust with him. It was something unforgivable and he was able to use it for his own purposes.
"Are you sure? You know I can tell the Dark Lord what I want him to hear without batting an eyelid, and I can also fake emotions to make him believe it. Do you really think you're smarter than him? You could do what the Dark Lord couldn't? Look behind my façade and discover the truth? You are truly a foolish witch!" he said, laughing scornfully, his eyes glaring contemptuously at her. He tried to look at her as dismissively as he could, and he knew his looks would upset everyone if he wanted to. He could cram all the hatred he had accumulated in his life into one look. But it was hard for him to do it to her. But he had to block out who she was. He had to imagine that it was James Potter standing in front of him. Or Black. And already he felt a concentrated load of hatred rising. His eyes seemed as cold as I had never seen them before.
She sank to the ground, unable to stay on her feet any longer. He felt the urge to hold her. To tell her the truth, but he had to be strong.
"Stop it! I know you're lying. You love me, I just feel it. All that we have is real, Severus. It's the best thing that ever happened to me and you're trying to make me believe it's all a lie. That's ridiculous! You just want to push me away from you, as you often do when something becomes problematic or when it gets too close to you. You'd better tell me the real reason why you're doing this! What do you hope to gain from it?" Her usually soft and calm voice was angry and loud as she shook her head in disbelief, causing her long hair to fall into her face. Trembling, in an unconscious gesture, she grasped the silver pendant, heliotrope. It was a symbol of their infinite love for each other. But he knew he had to shake her world and break it. He knew exactly how, too, because he had prepared his words in the last few weeks. He knew her as well as she knew him, and he knew which sore points he had to address.
"Oh really? You think you really know me? Then you're so much more naive than I thought," he growled over his pressed lips. He tried with all his might to calm himself.
"I'm not naive, Severus. I know you, I know your soul, and I feel that all these are empty phrases that you have concocted. I want to know why! Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing me away from you and claiming that your feelings are not love?" she shouted to him. Her words surprised him for a tiny moment. This was so much harder than he thought and feared. He had actually prepared a magic potion that was supposed to turn off his emotions. But it all came to this situation so spontaneously. He had wished they had had a little more time, just been with her a little longer, her to- Damn, he rambled. Under no circumstances could he let himself go and give in to his weakness. He tried to feel the anger he had towards her. How could she tell Lupin about him? How could she be so careless about their plan, their mission? He felt his vision darken again as his thoughts raced. She didn't believe him. It needed something more and he knew exactly what to give her. A part of the truth. Just like he did to the Dark Lord to please him.
"So, you wouldn't have it any other way? You want me to tell you the truth? Then look at this! Expetco patronum!" His wand swung through the air, out of him a silver structure of light. With her mouth open, she stared at the silver doe jumping happily around us to taunt her before fizzling out. It was exactly what she needed to doubt him. He knew he was getting closer to his goal, but it felt so damn wrong that he wanted to scream.
"Why do you think I've never communicated with you this way and why I'm sending you letters with your stupid owl? So that you don't realize who my heart really beats for." Severus laughed out loud, even though he blamed himself for what he did to her. Her whole face was frozen with horror and contorted in a pathetic grimace.
"No, that's not true. You don't love her, you love me." Her voice suddenly sounded so broken and she put her hands in front of her face protectively, as if she could avoid seeing the truth Severus was trying to show her. She didn't understand that a Patronus can change even after trauma. Not just out of love. But he had also loved Lily. She was his confidante and the first person to catch him. She was more than a friend. She had been everything to him. His family. And her death, for which he was responsible, was emblematic of so many more sacrifices he had played into the hands of the Dark Lord. How could his Patronus not be a doe? Whenever he saw the doe, he felt his guilt weigh heavier than anything else in his life. He wondered if he would ever see the silver bat he knew from his school days at Hogwarts again. He closed his eyes for a moment, knowing he had to go one step further and deliver the death blow to her. He hated himself for that.
"Do you remember the magical mirror Erised of Dumbledore in Potter's first year of school, which shows everyone's heart desire? I looked inside and it confirmed to me what I already knew. I didn't want to tell you about it when you asked me. Do you remember?" Severus asked and she nodded, unable to get any more words over her wonderful lips.
"Do you know what I saw?" he asked, his throat dry. But she didn't see his momentary hesitation. Severus read pure desperation in her eyes as she shook her head.
"Lily. Lily at our wedding. In a beautiful dress. My heart's desire," Severus said in a deep and ice-cold voice. He knew he had her with it when he heard a whimper coming from her lips. Severus could steadfastly look into her watery eyes, for it was the truth he was speaking. He had the reflection right in front of him in his memory. There stood Lily in a beautiful dress and smiled down on him kindly and joyfully. Next to her, stood Catherine. In a stunning wedding dress and a bouquet of heliotropes, white roses and red chrysanthemums. And she was ready to walk with him to the altar. Her lips formed an overjoyed smile, her eyes sparkled like diamonds at this moment. With Lily as her bridesmaid by her side. Severus could still feel the tears running down his cheek at the sight. It was his heart's desire. To live with Catherine in a world that was blameless from the war. But he knew he didn't deserve any of this. Lily was death at his own hands and Catherine was far too good for him. She deserved better than death in this war.
Severus looked down at her now and saw tears running down her tender cheeks. He knew he had achieved his goal. His thoughts were interrupted by the loud pounding of Lupin and the sobs of Catherine. He sighed before forming his mouth into a spiteful grimace.
"I'm tired of drying these tears all the time, Lupin should take over! And now excuse me, I have better things to do than have a nice chat here."
He turned around with a swing, took the spells from the door, so that Remus literally stumbled in.
"She's all yours now, Lupin," Severus called out to him, a robe dangling behind him as he quickly disappeared without looking back and looking back at the pile of misery he left behind. It felt a strong nausea rising inside it. He was sure Lupine would seize this one opportunity that finally presented itself to him. Grabbing her. But Severus had reached his goal, but he had never felt so nauseous. Everything in him fell into a deep darkness, for the woman he loved more than himself was broken by his words. But wasn't this better than death? He knew that the latter was waiting for him. After all, Sybill Trewlaney foresaw it a few years ago when she met Catherine. Of course, he'd dismissed it as inconsequential when Catherine had told him about it. But he had memorized the words exactly, spoken by the woman who had already changed his life with her fateful sentences when he had eavesdropped on her and Dumbledore.
If the mistress of the man who serves two masters wants to keep her love, she must be armed against the poison of a maledictus.
But it should never. Putting yourself in danger to save him. He would never let that happen. He had to do everything he could to achieve this. And for that fucking kid who was supposed to secure her future.
The scene dissolved and led me to figures I didn't want to meet.
In front of Severus were the Lestranges, Mulciber, and also Dolohov. Severus's gaze swept over the people in front of him, seemingly bored. But his gaze rested briefly on the Russian. He'd been so jealous of him before, and he knew Lucius had felt the same way. Until Severus realized what an icy existence this man led. His enormous curiosity and obsessive need to push his own boundaries and create had motivated him to be a child genius, recognized by more than just the Dark Lord. Through his connections he had been given a place in the Department of Mysteries. But Dolohov's obsession had continued his thirst. The Russian's creepy need for a challenge had driven him into the arms of the Dark Lord. It robbed him of everything else. Severus also remembered all the witches who fell irrevocably in love with the tall, intimidating student of the dim past. Yet he couldn't remember a single time that Dolohov had found any of them entertaining. Sometimes he doubted the other wizard could feel anything at all. Or if his heart already belonged to a person he couldn't have. Just like Severus himself. He knew who exactly Dolohov had killed. And sometimes Severus found himself feeling something like gratitude, which disgusted him. But if Prewett had not experienced death at the hands of the Russian, he would now be at Catherine's side. Then Severus would never have been able to feel the happiness of running his fingers through her long hair, kissing her soft lips and her calm voice echoing in his heart. But he knew he was wrong. She would have fared better with Prewett, and the thought filled him with hatred. Hatred of oneself. Hatred of this life, which had led to wrong decisions. He could have had everything differently if he had been in his right mind. If he hadn't wanted to conquer Lily or Catherine. Perhaps then he would have noticed the falsehood into which he had put himself? But he knew he had a choice at the time. But in him, darkness had triumphed and not light.
Severus knew now, however, that this time would be different.
The Dark Lord stood up, his eyes glaring angrily at all those present, some of whom were missing. Rookwood, Macnair, Crabbe, Avery, Jugson, and Nott were now in Azkaban, captured by some Aurors after the battle in the Department of Mysteries, while some, like Dolohov, managed to escape.
"You know that this failure sets us back. The loss of the prophecy and thus its end. And appearing in public had not been the plan this year. But your inability to stand up to a couple of teenagers is intolerable!" the Dark Lord hissed, his red eyes rushing over those present.
"My lord, there were also a couple of Order members who—" Bellatrix began with half-lowered eyelids, but the Dark Lord raised his hand in silence.
"You're a Death Eater and you can't win against a few children and a few Order? You know, someone is going to have to pay for that! And my disappointment with Lucius' leadership is immeasurable," the leader of this group shouted angrily and pounded his fist on the table, so that the glasses wobbled and everyone looked down at the table.
"My lord, I killed my cousin after all, and-" Bellatrix began again, but the Dark Lord began to scream.
"What good is a dead follower of Dumbledore if I have now been exposed!"
"Sir, perhaps it would be appropriate to reconsider our plans now that your cover is removed and the Ministry will now be restructured," Severus raised his voice with a clearing of his throat. Severus knew he had to come up with good ideas to keep the Dark Lord happy before he would start torturing people. Innocent people who would like to live in this dungeon, which was now located in Malfoy Manor.
"I hear, Severus." The voice was still tense, but it became quieter again, causing bystanders to stop.
"We could continue to operate in secret, gradually occupying the ministry with our people. Many of us are excellent when it comes to the Imperius Curse," Severus suggested, trying to force the corners of his mouth into an encouraging smile, which he struggled to do.
He thought of the death of his nemesis, Black, which should have brought him satisfaction. But all he felt was a great emptiness since she was no longer in his life. And he knew Black's death had made her suffering worse. He closed his eyes for a moment to shake off his thoughts of Catherine and her condition, to refocus on the Dark Lord. This, after all, had been the reason he had banished her from his life. He had to keep his mission going. And he knew he had Dumbledore by his side. He was a mentor he could rely on, because he had realized that his weakness for Catherine could derail him and the whole mission.
Malfoy Manor suddenly changed before my eyes, and I strode up the gleaming marble staircase as Severus did, where Severus noticed a silver chain on the floor, which he immediately reached for with trembling hands. His hair fell into his eyes, which clouded his vision for a moment, but he immediately recognized the silver in his hands. It belonged to Catherine. His gift. He felt the blood in his veins pulse hotly in a strong intoxication, and yet he was immediately seized by an enormous cold. He felt sick to his stomach, and yet he boldly tucked the necklace into his robe before Mulciber strode towards him in the large entrance hall with a gloomy look.
"Snape, it's good that you're here. We couldn't put the Imperius on the Muggle Minister. The Dark Lord certainly won't take this well. I hope you bring good news?" said his croaking voice, which Severus could hardly turn towards. Fear was constricting his heart, which was pounding wildly against his chest. And yet he straightened up, his face showing an expression of malice.
"It was to be expected when the Order had its hands in the game. I told you to wait. It's only a matter of time before Dumbledore and with him the Order have fallen and the Minister is ours anyway," he replied with a sneer. He had tried to stop the Dark Lord's followers as long as Catherine had joined this suicide mission. He felt miserable at the thought that he had failed again.
"Were there... victims?" he asked, his throat dry. He didn't know if he even wanted to hear the answer. Was he prepared to hear that Catherine was dead? He should never have allowed her to take on this task. He had tried unsuccessfully to convince Dumbledore that she was the wrong choice, but he didn't listen to him. He didn't want to treat her as anything other than a simple member of the Order for his sake. A member that was dispensable. Like everyone else. But it wasn't for Severus.
His black eyes pierced the hunched man in front of him, whose hair was already thinning. He had gone to school with him at Hogwarts, dealt out several curses against Black and Potter with him, and now he was nothing more than an annoying Death Eater to him, perhaps responsible for the death of the love of his life. But to his relief, Mulicber shook his head.
"We only have one prisoner. But Dolohov is already with her to teach her manners. She's actually a very attractive witch, considering she's a mudblood," Mulciber said, grinning scornfully. Severus immediately knew what this meant, clenching his hands into fists at the thought. If that skunk were to do something to her... But he tried to calm down. She was alive. Still.
"What's going on here? Shouldn't you be at Hogwarts, Snape?" Bellatrix Lestrange's deep voice asked. She rushed across the expensive marble towards him like a demon over a fire. Her dress tightened her waist and her curls had piled up into an updo. He had to suppress a mocking grin at the sight, knowing she was trying to impress the Dark Lord. But she didn't know that it was a wasted effort. The Dark Lord couldn't love anyone. He was true only to himself. Even though that certainly didn't stop him from sharing a bed with a witch every now and then in the past when he felt like it, but that didn't seem to matter much in his new existence. And Severus knew he couldn't just use this and other knowledge of Bellatrix against herself.
"I'm here to give the Dark Lord a report on the new situation at Hogwarts. New ideas arose from my protégé, which could not lead to the hoped success," he replied meaningfully, his black eyes glittering mockingly.
"Snape, don't you dare-" she began, but he cut her off. Now wasn't the time to talk about Draco's failure. Before Christmas, he had entrusted a schoolgirl with a necklace that leads to death through black magic when touched. This did not lead to Dumbledore being weakened, but to the fact that said student still had to stay at St. Mungo's. Nor did he want to congratulate Bellatrix on the fact that she had been quite successful in arming Draco against Legilimency. He had to get rid of them, because he had to stop Dolohov from who knows what kind of shit he was about to pull off. He hoped it hadn't been much time since Catherine had been down in the basement. He had to go down under some pretext, he was not allowed to betray himself. Severus tried to breathe calmly and bit the inside of his cheeks, inflicting physical pain that no one else could see to hide all the tension in his body and heart.
"You know I'm not going to share my thoughts on this with anyone but the Dark Lord himself, Bellatrix," he replied nonchalantly, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. Fear. He rarely felt this emotion, but it seemed to him that it was only because of Catherine.
But before Bellatrix could say anything, the giant Fenrir Greyback trotted up the stairs from the basement.
"Is she docile yet?" Mucliber asked, which startled Severus inside. Greyback had also been with her. What if he had violated her? He knew that Lupin was currently as a secret agent of the Order with the werewolves. The werewolves, as outcasts of magical society, were almost all on the Dark Lord's side and could hardly be dissuaded from doing so as long as the Fenrir Greyback was their leader. And the Dark Lord offered human sacrifices to the werewolves. In return, the Death Eaters can often subdue magical humans simply by threatening to send Greyback to them. Severus didn't like the idea that Greyback was also a Death Eater by now. Lower, but still at their table. A chill ran down his spine at the thought that he might have hurt Catherine even a hair. Never before had he looked at the werewolf with such disgust as he did at that moment.
"Dolohov took care of her alone," Greyback said, running his tongue over his sharp yellow teeth. His matted, dirty, grey hair fell through the air before he ran a dirty hand over his beard. "What a pity. She smelled so delicious."
"What's that supposed to mean? Does the Dark Lord know about her?" Severus asked louder than usual, earning a frown from Mulciber. Damn, he had to stay calmer, he couldn't stand out.
"How do you know who it is?" Bellatrix asked with a spiteful laugh. But Severus had already expected this question and was able to meet her with a blank and rather relaxed expression.
"I'm guessing it's a member of the Order and so I have responsibility until the Dark Lord decides the fate of this woman," Severus replied, building himself up in front of those present before turning around and rushing down the stairs into the dungeon at a rapid pace. He had to save her from this monster.
I knew I had seen enough to understand and slowly disengaged myself from his thoughts, memories, and feelings that he had so willingly shared with me.
So, Severus sat expectantly in front of me, his alert eyes staring at my face. It took me a few breaths to regain my composure and I knew he felt the same way. Seeing those memories in front of him so quickly was just as harrowing for him, for me. I didn't even know what information to let wander through my own head first. The fact that he was going to kill Dumbledore? That Dumbledore, and with it the whole Order and Guardianship, would fall apart? Or that Severus hurt me, pushed me away to protect me, because Dumbledore had him in his ears? Or that the man in front of me was actually carrying all this burden on his shoulders?
I closed my eyes with difficulty and felt some tears running down my cheeks. It was such a gigantic amount of shit that Severus was in that I couldn't find words for it.
But already I felt his warm hand with his graceful fingers on my skin, he lovingly wiped the tears from my cheeks. When I opened my eyelids in surprise, he had knelt in front of me.
"So, you pretended you didn't love me all along? But why, Severus? Why didn't you see that you broke me with it? You have taken away all the value that life has to offer me..." I fell silent at the thought of what I endured during this time. But I didn't have to say it any further, because Severus caught these thoughts on his own.
"Since her death, when I took on this immense guilt, my life has changed drastically. A guilt that literally eats away at me from the inside, Catherine. How could this suffering not determine my entire being? How could I have blamed myself for something happening to you because I dragged you into it? My life has become too dangerous, Catherine. I had to protect you from all the pain. What if I had already died because the Dark Lord had seen through me? What would have become of you then? What if he had screened me before? Found out the whole truth about me? About us? That way, you could at least be angry with me, hate me, and perhaps grieve less when I... I have to do what I am now destined to do. And of course, I noticed it when I had to watch you risk your life to protect a muggle at the side of Lupin, who was too cowardly and save his own life. And I thought Lupin would take advantage of the opportunity with you that finally presented itself to him without me."
"Stop talking about Remus like that! He was there for me the whole time. Once again, he had to rescue me from a hole left in me by the love of my life. But you didn't die like Gideon, you just ripped my heart out! Of course, I sacrificed myself in this war against Voldemort! Every stone in his path is precious and-"
"That's nonsense and you know it! We can't defeat him if a Muggle minister is allowed to live without an Imperius. It's about much more than that, and that's why I left you."
"Dumbledore has-"
"Dumbledore is going to die, damn it! It is no longer important to him who does the same." Severus closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm down, while I felt my hands shake.
"This curse... is also deadly?" I asked in a shaky voice, because even though I had suspected it deep down, it was still a shock to hear it from the mouth of his confidant.
"If not this curse, then I'll take it, because I doubt Malfoy Junior will succeed in any way," he said, lowering his gaze so he wouldn't have to look me in the eye.
"You're going to kill?" I asked him, unable to believe what he was saying. "But he can't ask you to do that! This is a horrible act, Severus. Unforgivable!" I looked at him with wide-eyed horror.
"I have to do it. I don't have a choice. And it would have been unbearable for me if you had thought I hadn't done it for the resistance. For you and your survival. For everyone's survival," Severus replied quietly, his head shaking slightly at the thought, causing his hair to fall stringy into his face.
"An unforgivable curse...!" I whispered over my open lips. I shook my head in disgust, but I knew Severus had gotten into something he didn't want to do. "What if you can't kill the man, you love so much?"
"Dumbledore is well aware of the circumstances. I discussed it with him. He doesn't want Draco Malfoy's soul to be damaged by this murder, and I took an unbreakable vow, so I will..." Severus's voice faded into a silence of gloomy thoughts.
"And what about your soul, Severus?" I ask angrily into the silence that has spread between us.
"That's what I asked him. But I've seen people die, Catherine. And I've used Unforgivable Curses during my time as a Death Eater and now. I'm not proud to have been a part of all that."
"But what Dumbledore asks of you... it will be the first time you..." Instead of saying it, I put my hand in front of my open mouth.
"-that I murder. Yes." He looked at me with his sharp gaze, trying to decipher my thoughts, whether I would see him as the monster he saw in himself.
I looked at his face. It was pale and I knew it wasn't just the side effects of the potion against his tiredness that made him look so much like a lime wall. However, I didn't feel anger at him, but at Dumbledore. For what he had asked of Severus. His breakup with me and the murder of his mentor, who had enjoyed his trust over the past few years and had almost become a kind of father to Severus.
"He doesn't need you anymore," I stated matter-of-factly at the thought of the headmaster.
"What do you mean?" Severus asked, raising his gaze to me.
"Dumbledore. He knows that he only has this school year ahead of him. You told him and now... he doesn't need you anymore. He's sacrificing you," I said, hearing Severus take a sharp breath.
"What are you saying?" Severus asked, paling even more at the thought.
"No one has been in Hogwarts teacher in Defence Against the Dark Arts for more than a year. It will be the same for you. The question now is what happens to you after that. Or with the Order or Hogwarts," I asked in a shaky voice.
"Don't talk nonsense. Nothing will happen to me, and so will Hogwarts and the Order—" but he fell silent, knowing full well that it wasn't the truth. If Dumbledore fell, everything would go down with him. Our resistance. Our plans. But Severus didn't seem fully aware of the consequences that followed.
"If Dumbledore really dies, and he has to—the curse and your unbreakable vow leave him no choice—then things get really dark. You have to plan with him what should happen after his death!" I exclaimed, almost indignantly. In my head, the seemingly endless possibilities of failure rushed wildly around.
"If Dumbledore is eliminated and occupies the Ministry, as is the Dark Lord's plan, then Hogwarts will also be under his hand," said Severus, who at least knew Lord Voldemort's rough plans. In the Order, we knew that the new head of the Auror Office, Gawain Robards, was already under the Imperius, like many others. It was only a matter of time before Lord Voldemort took it all. But what was Severus' role in all of this?
"But if Dumbledore falls, what is your value to the Dark Lord?" I asked, startled.
"I am his faithful servant. I am the one who conquered his greatest enemy for him. He will not doubt my loyalty." Severus sounded confident, as if there could be no doubt about that.
"But loyalty to the Dark Lord has never secured anyone's life at his side, has it?" I replied, biting my lower lip at the gloomy prospect. Severus stared at me with his dark eyes. "Or are you the Dark Lord's puppet then? As headmaster?" I asked with mockery in my voice and paled when Severus suddenly nodded slightly. I saw that he had already thought about it. But a small grin spread across his narrow mouth.
"Possibly. Yes, I think that's the Dark Lord's plan," Severus replied in a quiet voice. "And I suspect it is also Dumbledore's own plan for me to become his successor under the Dark Lord. So, I can exert a little control, protect Hogwarts as much as I can."
"It sounds so simple, Severus. But what if nothing turns out the way Dumbledore planned after his death? I know he's spending time with Harry and instructing him. But is he ready yet? He's still so young, Severus. What if everything fails?" I asked, closing my eyes to a future I didn't want to see.
"Dumbeldore has precise plans. Unfortunately, he doesn't tell me what he's doing or what he's planning exactly. I feel like a puppet who just acts without any background knowledge. He just tells me that I have to kill him when the time comes. And that I should support Malfoy in the same goal. But worrying ahead of time only takes pointless energy, Catherine. We should trust that if we all fight, it will make a difference. It will work. We're going to help Potter win at the right moment. And then maybe we'll be free from anything that weighs us down." Severus looked at me with soft black eyes. I felt him draw me right into him and a warmth took hold of my heart. It was as if a block of ice that had wrapped itself around my heart melted.
"I hope so," I whispered, suppressing my tears as Severus ran his hand tenderly down my cheek. I felt his touch leave a heat on my skin.
"I'm not failing," he whispered on my skin, making me shudder.
"You serve two masters. And you're the right hand to both of them," I said quietly.
"Extremely delicate, isn't it?" he asked with a mocking grin and sparkling black eyes.
"Severus, I consider you to be one of the most skilled wizards of our time. But it scares me every second," I said, feeling like I was in that pathetic situation again. And now I finally understood him. He also wanted to protect me from it. Without being the man, I loved. So, he wanted to turn my love for him into hatred.
"I know, but your fear is unfounded. Trust me," Severus said and a crooked grin played around his thin lips. As always, he was dressed all in black, his fair skin glowing in the candlelight
"I do. Always," I say softly. "But tell me, why did you decide to reveal the truth to me now?"
"Because I finally understand it," he whispered as I looked at him questioningly until he continued. "I understood that I am only strong with you. My feelings for you are not a weakness, but the energy from which I can draw the strength to do everything that is required of me. And when I'm separated from you, it's like I'm in ice. Frozen, unable to direct my thoughts. Love is something so important that it has conquered the Dark Lord. I have to say, I didn't understand it at first. How can love be so significant? But since I was allowed to hold you in my arms, I no longer question this power. And I'm now strong enough not to question either of us anymore," he whispered and his gaze ran through me like a ribbon that captivated me. Slowly, I raised my hands and gently ran my fingers through his black hair. He closed his eyes, visibly enjoying this intimacy.
"And what happens now? With us?" I asked quietly, looking into his bottomless eyes.
"That's up to you. Can you forgive me? All the things I've done to you in the past few months?" he replied in a low voice.
I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. But I knew it wasn't that simple. It's never been that for the two of us.
Notes:
Sorry for the long chapter, I split it up again. So we'll just stay with the Half-Blood Prince longer.