I kneel before you to catch your tears
They fallen to my parts like oh so many
I save the lashes from your back to make you smile
Carry you with broken feet across the dusty mine
Please don't leave me to break upon a wheel
Break upon a wheel
Don't forget the feel
You lay beside me and rapture on my skin

- Wheel by Hannah Cartwright & Stewart Ross Tones

When I opened my lids again, his black eyes sparkled hopefully and caught my gaze. I had to swallow because my following words were infinitely difficult for me.

"Severus, I will forgive you. I understand your reasons, but I don't know if I can understand all your action, your words to me. Why you hurt me so much, how you could allow it to shake me inside like that. You know what Dolohov did to me?" I asked, watching his eyes form slits, he exhaled deeply at the thought.

"Yes. And I'd love to hang him up on the Whomping Willow for that. So far, I have been able to avoid being in the same room with him for a longer period of time. His presence triggers deadly thoughts in me." His voice was low yet piercing.

Severus grabbed my hands, which were on my lap, and squeezed them in his. "I'm so sorry I couldn't prevent it. It's one more guilt that weighs on me and-"

"No, Severus! It was my decision to work for the Order. It was you who tried to stop me. And Dolohov will pay for his actions, but I myself will be the person who will carry it out. I'm asking you not to intervene!" I said decisively, trying to ignore what the physical closeness to Severus and his touch triggered in me.

"I understand. It is you who should decide. I know that you have your own will and I can only protect you if you allow it," Severus replied seriously, but a little disgruntled. I felt that inside him he wanted to defend himself against my words, he wanted to keep me away from disgusting actions, but he knew I was a grown woman with a mind of my own.

"Good. But I want you to understand that what Dolohov did to me caused me less pain than what you did to me," I said to myself, my throat tightened. I didn't want to hurt Severus. But it was necessary to explain my thoughts and feelings to him. He should understand that all his actions have consequences, no matter how good his motives may be.

Severus drew in a sharp breath and closed his eyes for a moment, but he was silent. When he looked at me again, I realized that his eyes were getting wet and he was blinking.

"Does that mean you don't see me by your side anymore?" Severus asked in a strained voice. He averted his gaze from me and stared at the floor in front of him. His hands left mine.

"It's not that simple, Severus. Right? You are not responsible for my life. Just me. I want you to keep that in your mind forever from now on!" I said, my hand lovingly running to his face and closing around his cheek. He froze for a moment before suddenly looking up and pressing my hand more against his face.

"I know that, Catherine! I know how strong you are! You've more than proven it by now. When I think about how you managed to keep an overwhelming number of Death Eaters at bay so that Lupin and Tonks could escape with the Minister and his wife..." He fell silent with a shake of his head as the thought.

"And you know you've crossed a line that you should never have allowed to be torn down. Your motives were understandable, but you could have reached your goal differently. You didn't have to let me or you go through this hell! Why didn't you tell me the truth, Severus?" My voice sounded bitter from the anger about all the wasted time without him, all the heartache.

"You would have broken away from me if I had asked you to? The relationship with me completely put on hold?" he asked quietly, staring at my lips.

"If you had explained it to me comprehensively, yes," I replied, wondering at the same time if I would have found the distance just as disgusting.

"Then you're stronger than me. I had to do it too so that there would be no turning back for me. So that we are both detached from each other. And in a naivety that was inexplicable to me, I believed that this was enough. Even if I didn't succeed, I hoped you could get over me. Living another good life away from all the fucking shit I'm offering you."

"But you underestimated my love for you?" I asked in a shaky voice, the hand on his cheek wobbling with emotion, he held it tighter to him.

"I knew you'd found your luck with Prewett before. I thought it would work again... with Lupin or Sharp," he said throatily, his voice choking at the thought of it.

"At the time, I didn't know what it was like to be in your arms. I never thought it possible that you could ever feel anything for someone who wasn't Lily. But you showed me what you are capable of, what we both are together. I... how could I ever live without you, Severus?" I sighed as I watched him swallow, ready to give me an answer we both knew all too well, but I interrupted his open mouth.

"My trust in you is unshaken, but my trust in your love for me... I don't know if you're ready," I whispered to his skin, which was so close in front of me that we could feel each other's breaths, smell each other's bodies.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his eyes fixed on mine.

"You feel distracted from your task when you have me with you, when you care about me. That was one reason for your breakup with me, wasn't it?" I asked, Severus's gaze narrowed, but he didn't answer. He simply knelt before me like a large statue, looking me up and down and seeming to think to himself for a thoughtless moment. Then, with a sensational arch of an eyebrow, he returned his wandering gaze to my face. He nodded wordlessly.

"Then I wonder how you're going to overlook it if I continue to work for the Order even if it falls apart after Dumbledore. When there is no one left but the few against a superior force..." I felt tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of the end. But to my surprise, I saw a mocking twinkle in his eyes and a narrow grin on his lips.

"I expect nothing less from you than that! I understood that it is not only me who is fighting, but also you! Even in the darkest night, you will be my sword and shield, my driving force for this fight. Let me be yours, please!" he said earnestly, his hand wrapping around mine, which was still resting on his cheek.

"Yes, my soldier in the war against the Dark Lord," I whispered and nodded with a smile, he literally jumped towards me. Our lips touched first gently, then passionately. We knew our days might be numbered, but they would be as wonderful as we could make it possible with our love.

I felt his hands slowly wander down my cheeks. For a moment, my breath stopped at the thought of how far we would go, how close I would be to him again. I pulled away from his lips but didn't back down.

My eyes followed his movements, I saw the buttons of his sleeve brush against my dress before he wandered along the curve of my breasts to my waist. Then he stopped acting, his knuckles moving away from my body and his hand sliding over my jaw. He lifted my face just a little, and when his eyes took hold of me, they were darker than I've ever seen them. He was trying to figure out if I was ready. Could I allow this closeness after all the weeks of hoping and fearing for our love? But I felt that it was only this love that filled me. He had always been. Always, Severus.

"Fuck me, Severus. I want to feel you." I smiled cheeky at him, which also elicited a grin from his thin lips, his eyes flashed with hunger at me as he saw me so willingly in front of him.

"What we have is indestructible. Not from this war… under any circumstances," Severus whispered between my lips before our mouths met again, my hands sliding through his black hair. His hands moved again and his long fangs slowly moved from my waist to my hips, applying light pressure and igniting the fire in my midsection.

Slowly I slid back in the chair, felt Severus push my blouse up, the buttons popped open and exposed my naked midsection. The cold breeze of the house tingled against my skin, but already I felt his warm hands on my exposed body, they trembled slightly with excitement and joy to feel me again. His breathing became heavier.

"And now the skirt." His voice was deep as he ripped my skirt off me with a tug. Only a pair of panties still covered my vulva, which was already preparing. His hands now slid down from my bosom, and he slid between my legs.

The back of his fingers crept gently up the inside of my thigh, starting above my knee The touch of Severus became increasingly graceful, culminating in a slow stroke over the already smooth fabric of my gusset. With the slightest pressure from Severus on this spot, my swollen and receptive state became clearly visible.

I heard myself exhale in a choked breath as Severus took a deep breath.

"You're already ready..." he stated with relish, which I confirmed with a whimper of desire.

My hands took the opportunity to dig under the other sides of his shirt and quickly open his shirt in search of his hot skin.

And another hand snaked tightly over and around my waist, pulling me even closer to him as he used the other hand to roam my aroused curve. His fingertips tentatively traced my opening before the length of Severus' middle finger drove into me.

He gave a guttural hum of approval to my body's eager acceptance. Immobile force stretched across the front of the inner wall, pressing on the entire muscle. A moan escaped my slightly parted lips, cutting through the air.

"I missed hearing that immensely," Severus said in a low voice. His attention was focused on my face, soaking up every wave of pleasure that appeared in my expressions.

A fierce, scowl flickered across his face as he stuck his ring finger into it as well. Then his touch became more lenient, and Severus deftly moved against my G-spot. I gasped under the wave of pleasure he was producing.

But Severus paused with a crooked grin and I watched as the Potions Master opened his placket under the rigid promising outline of his cock with one hand as he continued to fix my face and the other hand remained inside me. As his pants slid down, I was presented with the clouds of his lean muscles and alabaster skin, a sight of which made me sigh exciting.

Severus pushed my torso back into the fabric of the chair before pulling his hand out of me and I felt his hot longing flesh floating at my opening. I held my breath before I felt him push in. Slower than I expected after all the past weeks. But unwavering.

He made me feel every blissful inch until I felt his wide base on my clitoris as he had completely buried himself inside me. Severus paused for a moment, holding the pressure that kept me in place from within. His gaze was still fixed on every movement of my face as he slowly pushed his body weight forward.

Severus began his constant thrusting as my legs wrapped around his waist, my hands burying themselves further in his hair. Until I started to follow his rhythm. With each heavy thrust he landed deeper, my walls grabbed him and pulled him in pulsating. Our eyes met and I tried to tell him how good it was, how welcome each of his thrusts.

But he beat me to it when he whispered "I love you more than I could ever express to you" against my aroused skin.

"My love for you remains unwavering, Severus. There can only be you. Always, Severus." I replied in a rough voice in which my desire for him was clearly audible. "Give it to me hard, Severus. Let me feel you everywhere!"

A trembling groan escaped his chest at my words and Severus slammed into me unforgivingly in a moment of cutting surrender. I felt the excitement within me reach its peak, but suddenly his upper body trembled above me.

"Fuck..." slipped from his pressed lips as he suddenly pulled out of me with a hard jerk, making my inner walls tremble. "You're driving me crazy." His voice was rough and deep.

He began to kiss my quivering body, I closed my eyes and felt his body and warmth on me. While he caressed me, his erection hung in the balance on the outside, he tried to compose himself. And soon he slid between the tops of my legs again, finding my throbbing clit with his tip before his lips found mine.

Between our hot kisses, I felt Severus take himself in his hands to slide back into me, shaking my insides. He squeezed my legs around the invasion, bracing himself against the tension, my clitoris getting caught in the messy, pressurized junction of my thighs and vulva amidst the undercurrent of his deep and steady thrusts. The shiver that came over me tore me apart, it radiated from deep inside me. His embrace caught me as he slowed his thrusts, soaking up my climax with relish, feeling the sucking in of my walls before thrusting into me with a sharp predatory jerk, powerful and deep. Deeper until he moaned loudly and heavy, loud breath spread and he slowly found rest on my body as he had filled me, I felt the heat of his cheek against mine.

His head sank to my side, finding my long hair a welcome resting place. The sound of his breathing became a slow flood that flooded me and kept me captivated. My hands still ran gently over his scalp, gliding playfully through his mop of black hair in search of support.

When his body had calmed down, he lifted his upper body slightly upwards to look me in the eye with a glowing gaze.

"I love you more than anything the world could offer me. More than my own life, more than anything I've ever wanted," he whispered, his forehead sinking to mine.

"I know. I felt it when you let me into your mind, Severus," I replied and our mouths found each other again before he lifted himself and me up with a swing and carried my naked body upstairs to the bedroom, where we continued to live out our passion until we found peace in each other, tired and exhausted.

The next morning, I was the first to wake up when I heard a pecking sound against the windowpane. Tired, I opened my eyes and realized that it must already be noon. But to my surprise, Severus was still lying next to me, holding me tight and in a sleep, breathing deeply.

I watched his narrow and pale face. Even in his sleep, I could clearly see how exhausted he was. Overloaded with all the tasks he was given. Severus was a servant to two headstrong masters and he only appreciated one of them. He detested the other deeply. But neither of them did him any good. Both went beyond the limits of his powers for different reasons. One clearly embodies evil and the other? Not at all the good, but rather its own morality, its own ethical principles. And both didn't care about their subordinates, both work for a greater good, which could not be more different. But do the means serve the end? I sigh at the thought of the role Severus was meant to play. Both masters wanted him to kill. Neither of them cared what it did to him, how it harmed him, how it split his soul. It made me so angry, but I couldn't think of a way out of his situation. At least not one that didn't drive us to our deaths.

As the pecking against the windowpane grew louder, I quietly and carefully wriggled out of his embrace and crept to the window to let my little owl in without a word, which stormed wildly fluttering through the room, but no sound came over his beak as if he knew that Severus needed rest.

When Tibi sat down on the bedpost, he stretched out one leg to me so that I could pick up the letter he was carrying. I immediately recognized Remus's handwriting.

A meeting tonight. Same place, same time.

So, the Order met again. Sighing, I put the letter aside and turned back to the contents of the warm and soft bed. But I realized that Severus had opened his eyes and watched me.

"What does the wolf want from you? Does he miss you after just a few hours?" Severus asked bitingly. So that still hadn't changed, I thought and smiled.

"Just a meeting from the order tonight," I replied and threw my body, which was shivering from the cold spring air that came into the room with Tibi, back into the cozy sheets next to the warm body.

"I hope you'll hold back on volunteer missions this time?" Severus asked mockingly, which elicited a big grin from me.

"Now I don't have any reason to do that, right?" I asked bluntly, causing his brow to furrow.

"You were naughty. I should drive this out of you," Severus whispered in a deep voice and I felt my skin tingle under his breath.

"Don't you have to go to Hogwarts and exorcise the nonsense out of an infinite number of students?" I asked, giggling.

"I should. But everything keeps me here with you," he said, turning onto his back, his gaze fixed on the wall above us. He sighed so that I snuggled closer to him and began to draw circles on his chest. Just like in the old days.

"Tell me what I missed. What happened at Hogwarts? With Draco and his task? With Harry and his impulsiveness?" I asked, opening the space for him to share his thoughts and feelings. Just like always.

"The amusing thing first?" he asked, frowning, and I giggled at the thought that he found something amusing that was going on behind the old walls of our school.

"There were a lot of curses in the corridors, Crabbe was bewitched with an old one that I developed myself in our school days." His voice was deep and yet betrayed a kind of triumph. But I looked at him questioningly, because I wondered where the punch line was supposed to be.

"The spell makes toenails grow to an enormous size. Nothing dangerous, but it was good against Black and Potter when they ambushed me again. And Filch's tongue was pinned to the roof of his mouth twice," he explained with a wry grin.

"It was also a spell that was quite popular back then," I noted, thinking about the many hexes that one could quickly encounter in the hallways of our school days if one had caused the displeasure of a classmate.

"And another spell that I have developed." His voice rang in my ear before I felt his lips there for a kiss. But I recoiled a little at his revelation. So, it was he who developed these curses, which were often used by the Gryffindor boys for their so-called pranks.

"Severus, you are truly talented. Extraordinary," I said reverently about his talent and great skill, which he undoubtedly possessed even then.

"I remember you called me that back then." Severus smiled at me. "I was very flattered. Do you remember how I ran away nervously?"

"You were nervous? I thought you just wanted to get away from me quickly." I thought of our meeting in the empty dungeon during the holidays. We both wanted to improve something on potions.

Severus shook his head in amusement. "No, I wasn't used to compliments. It was... unpleasant."

"And that's different now?" I asked, watching with amusement as his face turned a slight pink.

"Indeed." He grinned, his lips pressed together. "I like to hear this from you." Severus leaned closer to me and kissed me softly before I pulled away and looked him in the black bottomless eyes.

"What other spells did you invent in our school days?" I ask curiously as his hand began to wander to my hair and pick out a strand through which his index finger and thumb slipped.

"Some. Levicorpus, Liberacorpus, Muffliato and Sectumsempra with a fitting counter-curse."

I draw in a sharp breath. After all, the last curse had it all and was anything but harmless.

"I wonder why you only used your talent for such negative things..." I replied, feeling myself shudder at the thought of what Severus could have done instead. He was so creative, so talented.

"Yes, I may have exaggerated a bit with the last one, but Potter and Black..." he began, but he fell silent as I saw annoyance and rage flash in his eyes. Still. After all these years. I sighed as I raised my hand and gently stroked his cheek to his head of hair.

"I know they even used your own curses against you. That must have been horrible for you. And because of the nature of the spells, you never mentioned it to Lily and me at the time, right?" I asked, remembering the many conversations we had with Lily in which we thought about how we could dissuade Severus from his penchant for such black magic curses, even though I knew full well that it seemed impossible. Lily had hopes until the day he called her Mudblood in front of everyone.

Severus nodded imperceptibly.

"Severus?" I asked quietly, looking at him earnestly as I thought of the boy with the black hair, the sullen look. Underestimated by everyone, he had never been able to develop his full potential.

"Yes?"

"You are the greatest wizard I know. And the bravest of them all," I said quietly, so that Severus immediately looked at me with compressed eyes and lips, his hand still in a strand of my hair.

"You can't be serious. Dumbledore and the Dark Lord are..."

"Nothing compared to you. I'm serious. Your talents are special. You're special," I explained in a firm voice as he looked at me penetratingly. I didn't blink, and a slight blush crept onto his cheeks as he realized the gravity behind my words.

"Well, you're the only one who sees it that way."

"Not forever, Severus. I'm just the beginning." I kissed him softly on his startled lips, feeling him relax and surrender to our bond, but before he could pull me in, I easily escaped because the heavy issues were still ahead of us.

"And now tell me why Draco doesn't trust you anymore? You're his godfather, he's always appreciated you." I frowned at the thought of what must have gotten into the boy to push Severus and his protection away so vigorously.

"Not anymore since I've been the Dark Lord's right-hand man. The boy thinks I've pushed his father out of his place. Unfortunately, I was unable to penetrate his mind to grasp his current plan fully I only feel that Draco suspects I want to steal his fame. Like a little child," Severus said bitterly.

"Severus, he's still a kid! That the Dark Lord took him in at all is-"

"It's his kind of revenge on Lucius. But I prevent him from falling out of favour like his father. He must not become a victim of the Dark Lord as well." Severus shook his head so that his black hair fell into his forehead, framing his darkened gaze.

"I hope Draco comes to his senses and trusts you. His aunt must have a great influence on him. He always liked you. That he doubts you so suddenly, when his mother has entrusted you with his well-being..."

"Yes, Bellatrix is good at manipulating people. She has already convinced her young cousin Regulus Black to become a follower of the Dark Lord. She is very devoted to the Dark Lord and would do anything for him."

"Have you ever been willing to do that?" I asked, watching his eyes darken.

"Giving everything for the Dark Lord? Well, up until the point when it came to Lily's sacrifice, I was blind and stupid. Maybe sooner."

"What do you mean?" I asked, frowning, pulling the blanket further over us to prevent my body from shaking as it tried to crawl over.

"Do you remember how I told you that they were keeping an eye on you after Prewett's death?" His voice was low, and yet his words pierced me like a whip. Whenever I thought back to that time, I became a stranger to myself. It was a bizarre thought, everything about it was a long time ago and seemed unreal. I was in a committed relationship with Gideon, both in opposition to Lord Voldemort and Severus a Death Eater at the same time, fighting for the other side, whose goal was despair and death.

"Yes," I replied with a dry mouth.

"I told the Dark Lord that you are insignificant. The effort should rather be given to more important members of the order," Severus began, but he fell silent when he saw me shake my head slightly at all the memories.

"Yes, you've already told me that," I replied as he didn't want to continue and instead looked at me closely.

"I tried to warn you, I was about to reveal myself. The only thing holding me back was the thought that you would detest me, that you would push me away. I couldn't have endured that, not from you. Not again. But I was sure of one thing, if the Dark Lord had planned your death in mind... I would have killed him," he said and started playing with a strand of my hair again, as if his words were completely understandable and an appropriate action was easy to carry out. But I knew it would have meant his own death.

"Really?" I asked in a choked voice and felt myself start to tremble. But it didn't come out, it faded away inside me.

"Indeed," he said seriously, his eyes fixed on me, but his face remained expressionless. I was silent for a moment, having to grasp all of this in its entirety before a strange thought seized me that immediately wanted to leave my lips.

"Why not for Lily, James and Harry?" I asked thoughtfully, because I often wondered if this family didn't deserve life more than I did. Severus looked at me sharply.

"I thought about that after she died. I thought she was protected by my revelation to Dumbledore. And she was Lily, who I undoubtedly loved, but... she wasn't you. You are the woman who makes my heart beat and fills my soul." He pressed me tightly against his naked torso and I began to wrap my legs inside him, throwing my arms around him. Protected and persistent, we lay next to each other and tried to forget all around us. We were silent for a while and enjoyed taking in his scent. I loved smelling it. A certain note of potions still clung to him as a teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts, but now he smelled more of himself.

"Why are you grinning like that?" he asked me with interest and looked at me closely as he lifted his head.

"It was probably the best decision of my life to go back to Hogwarts," I explained as I felt everything in me yearning for his closeness.

"What made you do it?" he asked in a low voice, watching me curiously.

"I wanted to get you out of my head." I replied, watching in amusement as his left eyebrows rose.

"I guess you didn't do that well." he replied dryly.

"Indeed," I laughed heartily. As his laughter joined mine, it filled my heart with happiness, which seemed so precious in our situation, and yet I felt darkness rising within me with the thought of the coming meeting.

We looked at each other and Severus watched as my vision darkened more and more, even as I tried to push back everything that was coming over me.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked with an uncertain look, confused by my change of feelings.

"Tonight. It will be the same as before, won't it? We're not a couple, not even friends or colleagues anymore," I whispered sadly.

"We will only be able to do that in the future. If Dumbledore's plans work out and the Dark Lord is finally destroyed." Severus sighed when he saw my frozen features.

And before I could reply, his eyes narrowed noticeably, he startled. With a jerk, he stared at his left forearm, where a skull stood out inky black against his pale skin.

"The Dark Lord... I have to see him immediately," Severus shouted and he jumped out of bed, grabbed his wand made of almost black wood and with some unsaid spells he stood in front of me fully dressed. I didn't dare to speak, but my gaze spoke volumes.

Severus paused for a moment before hurrying off.

"See you tonight at the meeting, Catherine. Don't worry. The Dark Lord doesn't know I've been with you. No one is allowed to know. Lupin must never know that we have resumed our relationship," he said seriously.

"As always," I whisper in a low voice, watching as he turned to rush down the stairs with his cloak rustling as I began to shiver in an empty bed.

Notes:

Sorry, I had to share the chapter again. But this way they can both spend a little more time before things get serious again.