As usual all speech in italics is in the Old Tongue.

Chapter LXXII - Wayward Brother

Over the next few weeks Taija recovered from the ordeal of cleansing the taint and Rand began to consolidate his hold over Andor and cast his eyes to the south. He'd need to unite the nations of the world under him before the Last Battle and Illian seemed like an obvious next choice, bordering Tear as it did. It also lacked leadership after Tel's defection.

One of the first things Taija did after she felt better was pay a visit to each of the Choedan Kal, running a diagnostic web over them. She was no expert in sa'angreal, but from what she could tell, they did not like the strain that was put on them in the cleansing. Not at all. Their internal matrices were gradually realigning, but it would take a while, she had no idea how long. Using them before then would be foolish, possibly terminally so. It was still positive news though. She'd been worried the cleansing might just melt them into slag heaps, but they seemed to be pretty much intact. Rand had hidden the access keys away and with the risk of him going mad gone, that seemed to be for the best.

That all paled into insignificance compared to the conversation Taija had had with Rand a few days after she'd left Siuan's village. He'd caught her alone, suddenly popping up to walk beside her, his escort of maidens fading into the background.

After some polite small talk Rand got straight to the meat of the matter. "You do realise that after what you said to Siuan and her Sitters you need to act or they'll come after you?"

"What do you mean?"

"The White Tower now sees you as a rival, you're training and promoting people and giving them the title of aes sedai. They'll be looking to undermine that in any way they can. They might hold off for now because of the war, but believe me they will see you as an existential threat."

For fuck's sake, the same thought had been going through Taija's own mind, but she'd tried to put it aside because she didn't want to deal with it, but... Taija sighed. "You're right Rand, but I'm not sure what your point is."

"My point is that if we want to be able to resist the White Tower, we need to be strong." It was nice that he was including himself in that. "The ideals of the Hall of Servants mean something, I want to see true aes sedai back in the world, but for that to have a real impact it needs to be more than just you teaching a few girls. There's also the practical side of it. The Light needs properly trained channelers that can be relied upon to do the right thing. To fight in the Last Battle and, almost as importantly, to do things other than fighting afterwards." He grimaced, "I'm not meant to survive the Last Battle," he shrugged off the hand Taija put on his arm, "but I still want to leave something behind. You want to bring back what you remember."

Taija had plenty to say about this not surviving the Last Battle rubbish, stupid fucking prophecies. Her mind was already heading off down that tangent when suddenly she realised with horror where Rand was going with this. "Oh, no no no! I can't. I'm not suitable. I won't!"

Rand stopped walking and turned to face her. "Taija, you went and kicked the hornets' nest, decided to call them out, now you need to take responsibility for your actions. More importantly, the Light needs this, I want it and I think you do too. You're the only one who can do it. Tel… I trust him, I do… He can help you, but I can't put him in charge of this. Not something like this. Not without you to watch him. I can't do it myself, Nynaeve doesn't have the experience. It's got to be you."

With a sinking feeling in Taija's stomach she realised he was right. "I can't teach the men though, so what's your plan there?"

It was Rand's turn to look a bit uncomfortable. "It would need to be Tel. Again, there's no one else other than me."

"And you're too important."

He shrugged awkwardly. "I don't like to ask you to, but…"

Taija took a moment to examine her feelings, could she work with Tel? Yes. It wasn't that hard an answer. She didn't want to, it would hurt, but the acute pain. It had faded to a dull ache and he'd brought her Lanfear's head. Well that kind of apology must be worth something. Right? Taija sighed again. "Yes, I can work with Tel. He's proven himself more than once now. As long as he doesn't get any ideas about… us, I can work with him. For the Light and for the aes sedai."

Rand nodded sharply. "Good. He won't." Of course. He'd already spoken to Tel. That seemed unfair, why was she always the last person to be spoken to? "You'll be in charge of course, like I said, but Tel has plenty of skills to bring to the table beyond just teaching the men."

Well that was certainly true. He hadn't thought of everything though. "There is one thing. Tel isn't aes sedai."

"And? I understand how it was. He lost that status, he doesn't need it to teach people and support you."

Taija shook her head, Rand didn't understand. "No, if you trust him. If we trust him. If he really has come back to the Light and if he is going to be running this new organisation with me, then he should be aes sedai. There needs to be something for the men and boys to look up to beyond the Dragon and… It's not the right way of doing things. If we believe someone is worthy then they're worthy, whatever they've done in the past. At the very least he should be given the chance."

Was he worthy? Taija wanted to say no, she wanted to scream it into Tel's smug blue-eyed face, but every single thing he'd done, every action he'd taken since he came to Rand said yes. Could she let her own hurt override that?

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Rand moved fast once he had Taija's agreement. Or possibly was already moving before he had it. Elayne agreed to hand over a slice of land to the South East of Caemlyn, perhaps a day's ride away, by one the rivers flowing through this area of Andor. Well, Taija said hand over, but there seemed to be some complex provisions about taxes and limits on autonomy. Rand said he and Tel were both happy with the agreement. Given that, Taija skimmed over the treaty that she was being asked to sign and then forced herself to read it through again very carefully. No half-arsing this.

Apparently proclamations had also been made around the territory Rand controlled, that the taint had been cleansed and any man or woman could come to learn, serve the Light and become aes sedai, with an amnesty for male channelers' pre-cleansing crimes if they would serve the Dragon. Rand also told Taija that Siuan's aes sedai had been putting out similar proclamations around the world, minus the amnesty.

Within a few more days Taija, Rand and Tel were at the site surveying a small horde of construction workers. It seemed Rand had been taking this very seriously. Taija was conscious that her life was probably about to dissolve into a wall of bureaucracy and administration. Perhaps she could fob it off on Tel. She'd have to actually sit down and discuss things with him soon. She gave a small shudder.

If she was going to be building a rival to the White Tower, Taija also needed to start thinking about what to call it. She was slightly tempted by the Black Tower, just to thumb her nose at the modern aes sedai. But that was a stupid name. She didn't need to define herself against a perversion of what it meant to be aes sedai and there was no need to copy their use of the word tower. Really what she was doing was rebuilding the Hall of Servants and that would do nicely for a name.

======

With the first steps towards building a new Hall of Servants in train, Taija needed to do something she'd been putting off.

It was a cold winter's afternoon and Tel was in a courtyard training with Aleksi, wooden sword cracking against Taija's warder's staff in a flurry of movement. Despite the cold, both were sweating profusely.

When she walked in with Rand and Nynaeve, Elayne following at their heels ready to translate, the black coat of the aes sedai on all four of them, the sparring came to a halt. Tel gave Aleksi a salute with his sword, a sad smile on his face and headed to the sidelines to grab a drink from the bottle stood there. "Good luck!" Well, at least they were talking again.

Taija took a breath. She had to take the lead, even if she'd rather Rand did it.

"Tel Janin," no third name for him not at this point, "wayward brother, you are summoned by the Hall of the Servants. The world does not wait upon its servants, the servants of all wait upon the world. Ask no questions, obey and come without delay for you are to be judged. Your worth shall be weighed and your worthiness shall be judged by those who might once again accept you as their peer." Taija could sense Nynaeve trying to parse the words behind her. She'd really thrown herself into trying to learn Taija's language since she was promoted. Taija wasn't going to tell Nynaeve, but it made her feel just a bit warmer inside.

The silence after Taija's words was only broken by Elayne's whispered translation and Tel spitting his water over the floor and going into a coughing fit. Ha! She shouldn't feel so pleased that she'd managed to shock him, but he was normally so unflappable.

Taija shot him a scowl, waiting for his coughing to subside. Eventually he straightened up, still gasping a bit. Then suddenly he was on his knees, prostrating himself in the most formal, submissive bow a person could give. As he straightened up he replied. "Honoured aes sedai, you have this one's gratitude, for your consideration, but this one is not worthy. Can never be worthy. What this one has done cannot be forgiven only tolerated."

It took even Taija a few moments to work out the deeply archaic, formal language Tel was using, but then her scowl deepened. "That's not your call to make. Anyway I said you'd be judged on your worthiness not on whether you're forgiven or not." Taija realised straight after saying that that she'd completely failed to match his formality. Well not everyone got to go to a fancy school in Paaran Disen! "Just shut up and do as you're told Tel." Hadn't she said that to Nynaeve as well? Oh Light was that going to end up part of the ceremony these days? Why did Rand look like he wanted to laugh?! Taija shot him an angry look as Tel slowly got to his feet, eyes thankfully still downcast. At least he wasn't stupid enough to find this funny! It was already bad enough!

Fuming to herself, Taija spun a gateway to the audience chamber in one Caemlyn's palaces that she'd had prepared for this. A bit better than the rough earthen bowl she made last time. The room was suitably decorated for a formal occasion, much nicer than the rather sterile meeting room she did her own test in in fact. The banner of the aes sedai hung behind and above the raised platform and this time the chairs on each side of her wouldn't be empty. Elayne would stand behind the three of them to translate for Nynaeve and Rand, although Rand seemed to be showing an odd level of comprehension so far.

They arranged themselves and Tel knelt in front of the platform. Taija frowned for a second, why was he doing that? Then she remembered, he wasn't there as an aspirant being considered for promotion, he was there as a transgressor asking for restoration and forgiveness. Her frown deepened, she should have remembered that.

Taija glanced at Rand and Nynaeve sat on each side of her. Rand had a faintly amused smile, which didn't help her mood. Nynaeve's face was impassive.

"We are assembled here today to witness the judgment of a wayward brother who wishes to return. He shall be called upon to demonstrate his worth. His skill as a channeler and his potential as a servant of all. We three shall judge him under the Light of the Creator on behalf of the Hall of the Servants." Taija was pretty sure those weren't the right words for this situation, but it was close enough. Also wayward brother seemed far too mild a term for these circumstnaces. Why had Rand's smile widened? He was practically smirking!

She wasn't going to let him distract her, however annoying he was being. Next was her own addition to the ceremony, but one that she actually wanted to be a permanent part of it. "Before we begin we will pause to remember our lost brothers and sisters. Remember that they too would have been here once. Too many have been lost, to the Shadow, to the madness and simply to the grinding of the Wheel. They were loved and they will be remembered."

"They were loved and they will be remembered." All four people in the room echoed the words back. Just like they should have, but Taija hadn't expected it, not after the silence she got last time. She had to sniff hard as her eyes blurred.

After a moment Taija continued. "Tel Janin, your achievements are myriad, so are your crimes. One does not excuse the other. However, you are being given the chance to prove that you can be worthy once more, for your service to the world. As the first step, list those deeds of which you are most proud. Those that you believe make you worthy of calling yourself aes sedai once more."

Tel stayed looking at the floor and eventually replied. "No deeds, actions or pleas can make this one worthy once again." For fuck's sake.

Taija stared at him for a long moment, resisting the urge to storm out. "Tel, seriously. Stop it!" She hissed.

Or wait, was that the correct response in this ceremony? Taija wasn't sure. She certainly never learnt any of that 'this one' third person crap. Why was she having to lead this?! If Rand laughed… Taija forced her voice back to normality and hurried on. "That is not for you to decide, but for the three of us who have been placed here in judgment over you."

Tel looked up to meet the panel's eyes, only he was looking straight at Taija, not at the others. "I have done everything I can to prove myself worthy, even if I believe I am not." Thank the Light, he'd dropped that ridiculous formal language. Who the fuck spoke in the third person anyway? This was why she always used to avoid bloody Paaran Disen. "I have given myself to my worst enemy. I have struck against the Shadow. I have taught the Dragon all that I know." Not in under a year he hadn't. "I have surrendered all power. I have saved the lives of my allies and friends and risked my own to do it. I have made good long forgotten promises."

Taija was getting uncomfortable under his blue eyed gaze and looked down before glancing at the other panel members. There wasn't much she could say to that. The other two gave small nods. Fine.

"Wayward brother, you will now be asked whatever questions we determine are best to judge your character. Answer truly and without hesitation for you are under the eyes of the Light and the Hall of Servants." Taija looked to each side, inviting Rand and Nynaeve to go first. Normally this could be a multi-hour grilling, even without Tel's… unique circumstances, but it was a bit different when Rand knew him well and Nynaeve was so new to this.

Rand didn't hesitate. "What do you plan to do if you are granted the title of aes sedai?"

"To serve exactly as I have been since I joined you. To do whatever I can to redeem myself.

Nynaeve weighed in, "what about after the war? When we've won"

This time he paused for a second. "I would like to retire, somewhere quiet and pretty and just live my life in peace."

"What can you contribute to the Light?"

"Would you do charitable work?"

The questions kept coming and they were all soft, easy ones to Taija's growing irritation and Tel just kept staring at her. Then Nynaeve asked, "what do you want most in the world?"

He didn't hesitate, just said, "to see Taija happy again without that pain in her eyes." A moment later he clapped his hands over his mouth his eyes widening as they flicked to Rand for a second. Taija felt her face heat. How dare he!

"Well that's not fucking likely is it!" She snapped back without thinking before clapping her own hands over her mouth. Tel's face started to crumple and then was impassive, a mask descending over it and his eyes going back to the floor.

Taija stood up slowly on legs that wanted to shake. She couldn't just behave like this, it was wrong. "I'm sorry, that was unworthy of me." She gave Tel a formal bow of apology and looked to Rand and Nynaeve. "I'm emotionally compromised, I can't chair this panel."

Trying to keep what dignity she had left Taija pushed her chair back and was turning to leave when Tel shouted out, "wait!" She paused. "Taija sedai, you have every right to be angry, furious. I didn't mean to say that," he shot Rand another glance, "but it is the truth. I need you to be here. They can't judge me, not really. You might be emotionally compromised, but you're also the one I've truly hurt. I haven't asked anything from you since… since my surrender, I know I don't deserve anything from you, but I'm asking you this anyway. Please, sit down, judge me. Tell me I fail and I'll work even harder, with no expectation that you change your mind, but don't just leave it to them."

Taija hesitated, torn. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears. She didn't want to be in this position. It was everything she hated about… well everything. Yet here she was.

After a long moment Taija sat back down. Fine. Duty was heavier than a feather. She could do this.

This time it was her eyes spearing into his. "How can people know that you won't do it again."

She didn't need to explain what she meant by 'it'. "No assurance that I can give will ever be enough, but you know my reasons such as they were. I have grown, I strive to be better and I take every opportunity to show that I am a better man than I was. I had the seeds of my own failings planted in me long before I fell. Pride, envy and anger." He glanced at Rand. "I've made sure to pull pride and envy out by their roots. Anger… well I do my best."

"You talk about anger? Tell me, why shouldn't people be angry at you for what you've done?" Taija would keep her voice under control. She would!

"They have every right to be angry with me. I wouldn't expect them to ever stop. All I can do is demonstrate that maybe they can let go of that anger one day as they find new things to care about in the world I want to help build."

Hmph. "You've hurt a lot of people, some more than others yet you want them to let go of their anger. Why should any of them forgive you?"

"I'm not asking for forgiveness. I deserve none. Perhaps, at best, they might understand that I can be better, that I am striving to be better. Even if they don't forgive me, maybe they will realise that I'm not the same as I was."

"You were a hero, people loved you. No one would even have imagined you could turn to the Shadow. How is that any different to now!?"

"I was," he grimaced, "but I had flaws too. It was easy for people to overlook them when they only saw the best in me. My jealousy of Lews Therin. My pride in my strength and desire for more power. Of course I told people, told myself, that it was for the good of society. And it was… to some degree, but it was there. I was lucky enough to have things that held me back from letting these overwhelm me, safety nets provided by our civilisation that moderated my worst instincts and ensured they were turned towards good. The War stripped those away one by one and replaced them with loss and hate. Now… I've recognised my weaknesses. I strive to be better. I envied Lews Therin and then I hated him blaming him for…" he hesitated, "everything bad that had happened to me and the people around me. I have admitted I was wrong, but more, I've taken action. I submitted myself to the Dragon Reborn, swore to obey him. I've rejected any position of importance, devoted myself to serving the reincarnation of the man I hated."

Rand was looking increasingly uncomfortable at that and Tel hurriedly added, "And I discovered that he is not the same man anyway. Lews Therin was a better man than me and Rand sedai is a better man than him. A man I will continue to serve in any way that I can."

"That's as may be Tel, but you say you had things that held you back, safety nets that were taken away by the War," he couldn't blame her for this! He couldn't! "What stops it from happening again now? Those are gone. Our civilisation is dead. Our friends are dead. Our families are dead. You're alone in this world!"

Taija could feel tears trickling down her cheeks and determinedly ignored them. There was a moment of silence and then Rand spoke rather than Tel, which was definitely a breach of protocol.

"You're not alone in this world. I am your friend and there will be more. Your world is gone, but that doesn't mean you can't build something new."

He was staring at Tel, but for some reason he reached over and put his hand on Taija's.

Tel glanced at Rand then looked at Taija with those sharp blue eyes, hestitating for a few seconds before answering. "What stops it from happening again… The knowledge of what I did and the people I hurt. I can't do that again, I won't. I should have died then and I'd rather die now if it comes to that."

The silence stretched until Taija felt she had to break it. "No further questions." She glanced at the other two who shook their heads. After another moment Taija forced her mind back into the ceremony.

"Tel Janin, wayward brother, to be a servant of all is not just a question of character. Many good and worthy people are not aes sedai and there is no shame in that. To rejoin our ranks you must also demonstrate you have not neglected your ability as a channeler. To be aes sedai is to have precision and dexterity, true control over the flows that you command. Rand sedai will test you on this."

It was ridiculous really, he was as good as he'd ever been and he was being judged by his own student, but it gave her the chance to hide behind ceremony and try to get her head back in order as Rand spoke to him. Taija hadn't expected to enjoy this, but it had been harder than she'd expected. Far harder. Thank the Light Rand had gone and grown up at some point over the last year. She couldn't have dealt with this by herself.

By the time Rand was done Taija had at least gotten herself under enough control that she could take her hand out from under his. "The panel will now confer." She spun a web against eavesdropping and then one of illusion too, cutting both Tel and Elayne out. Normally the aspirant would just be asked to leave the room for this, but if Taija remembered correctly, he was just meant to kneel in silence while they conferred. It must have been getting uncomfortable, but she supposed that was part of the point. Tel certainly didn't protest, just kneeling there, palms on his thighs and looking down at the floor.