Disclaimer: I own nothing!
A/N: Thank you so much to those of you who left comments over the weekend (Oldreruns, Chika2512, .carrasco), so very appreciated, especially as I was so worried about the last few chapters. Updates still coming thick and fast as I have been desperate to get Monica back home. So here we go!
Chandler sighed deeply as he placed what he was pretty sure was the final box of the girls' stuff on the table in Apartment 20. Joey was still busily reorganizing his new / old bedroom back in Apartment 19 and Chandler could hear Rachel rustling around in Monica's room, trying to make everything perfect in readiness for her arrival home.
As soon as the police had provided confirmation that they had completed all of the work they needed to in Apartment 19, Chandler had immediately thrown himself into making good upon his promise to ensure that the apartment switch-back happened. Unsurprisingly, Rachel had not taken much convincing to move back to her old place, and Joey had quickly agreed with Chandler that returning home to Apartment 20 would be in Monica's best interests.
None of the three of them had been able to have any real contact with Monica over the last week; the Geller family had wasted no time in gathering up their traumatized daughter and taking her back to their home in Long Island; so for Rachel, Joey and Chandler, being able to do something practical that felt remotely like caring for their friend, had somewhat quelled their feelings of uselessness.
The trio had meticulously cleaned every inch of Apartment 20 to bring it somewhere close to Monica's exacting standards, before attempting to arrange every piece of furniture precisely as it had been before the original switch, as best as their memories allowed.
It had been a draining exercise, both physically and emotionally. Chandler, in particular, had been surprised by just how significantly being back in Apartment 19 had affected him: Seeing Monica's neatly arranged shoes at the foot of her bed, her bottles of perfume lined up beneath her mirror, the framed photo of her beaming happily at her nephew Ben; it all just seemed devastatingly normal, betraying no hint of the turmoil that had unfolded for her over the past week.
It was the sight of her midnight blue dress hanging from the door of her wardrobe, that had really knocked the air out of him though, like a thump to his stomach. Just a few short days previously, the afternoon before Pete's outlandishly public proposal, Chandler had been the one to stand close behind her, zipping her carefully into that dress. It felt like a lifetime ago.
She had still been wearing that same dress when she had come to find him in his apartment after the proposal. Picturing her standing before him, so captivating in that dress, as she confessed the depth of her feelings for him, her teary, sapphire blue eyes pleading with him to do the same, was just too painful for Chandler. That was the last time he had seen her face, and the hurt and disappointment he had caused her that night was haunting him.
He was desperate to see her, desperate for her to return home, but at the same time, he had absolutely no idea if he could ever, possibly make things right with her now. He was committed, with every fiber of his being, to doing just that. Despite his resolve, he simply could not shake the guilty feeling that if he had been a stronger, better man, maybe he have done things differently, and that might have saved her from the nightmare she was currently living.
Rachel emerged from Monica's bedroom looking every bit as exhausted as Chandler felt.
"Hey Rach, this is the last box I think." he said, pushing it towards her. "It's mainly clothes and makeup and stuff. Joey and I weren't sure if it was yours or Mon's."
"OK, I'll go through it in a second." she told him, peering into the box briefly as they both took a seat at the table. "And after that, I'm going to get some groceries so we're all stocked up before she gets home. Although Ross told me she's barely eating... " she trailed off sadly.
"How's her room looking?" Chandler asked.
"Pretty good I think. No doubt she will have to rearrange the entire place herself though" Rachel said with a small smile and roll of her eyes.
Chandler chuckled in agreement, there was no way that between the three of them, they would have been able to replicate the original apartment layout with Monica-level precision, she would most definitely have something to say about it.
At least he hoped she would. The smile faded from his lips as he recalled hearing Phoebe describe their friend as "broken", on more than one occasion, and he realized that he actually had no idea what to expect when he finally saw her.
God, he just needed to see her.
Rachel's train of thought seemed to be tracking his own: "I can't wait to see her" she told him, suddenly looking teary. "I can't believe I haven't even spoken with her yet. She's my best friend."
She looked dejectedly down at her hands. "I feel like the worst person in the world for even thinking this, because I know none of this is about me, it's about what's best for Monica... but... It really hurts that she turned to Phoebe and she didn't think she could turn to me..."
She looked guiltily up at Chandler a few tears escaping her eyes to roll down her cheeks now.
Chandler swallowed hard and nodded, feeling her pain. "I think I know what you mean" he told her gently. "I kind of felt the same thing..."
She eyed him curiously as he took a deep breath before beginning to explain: "I think... I might have been the first person to try to check in on her after it happened." he confided, struggling to keep his own emotions in check now, "And I think she must have heard me knock and call her name through the door. But she didn't answer me."
He gulped down a lump in his throat "She was all alone, hurt and scared... and yet, she didn't want me to help her".
Chandler had been over this so many times in his mind. Wondering whether their conversation the night before had left Monica hating him so much that she couldn't even bear to allow him come to her aid? She had not even been able to look at him when he had called back to check on her when the police were there.
Eventually though, after much agonizing, he had come to the conclusion that none of it was about him at all. Their conversation, her feelings for him, his feelings for her, were probably the last things on her mind at that time, after what that animal had put her through. Of course, he could not pretend to know how she must have been feeling when she heard him knock at the door, but if he had to hazard a guess, he would imagine that the only thing going on in her head at that point would most likely have been self-preservation.
Rachel's brow furrowed and she reached across the table to take his hand.
He used the back of his other hand to wipe away the tears that had formed in his eyes.
"But, you know what?" Chandler continued, "Seeing the way Phoebe has handled it, I think Monica chose the right person to call. Let's face it, we've all been blindsided by what that piece of shit did, and I think Phoebe is the only one of all of us who would have been able to shelter Monica from her own hurt and anger. I'm not sure I could have done it. And I doubt very much that Mon had the capacity for anyone else's feelings on top of her own. "
Rachel nodded, as she considered his words "You can be pretty smart at times you know, Bing?" she told him with a small smile. "And you're right, Phoebe has been incredible. And not just for Monica, for me too: Giving me a place to stay, dealing with the police. I can't believe how level-headed and calm she is in a crisis considering how "out there" she can be the rest of the time."
They shared a sad smile "I am really glad that Monica had Phoebe there to support her" Rachel continued, "I guess... I just want to be there for her too, you know?"
"You will be" Chandler assured her, giving her had a squeeze, "We all will".
They turned suddenly to see a slightly breathless Kathy struggling through the door, heaving a small hold-all, having just arrived back in the city from Salem for her few days off. Her dark eyes were full of concern, and she launched towards Chandler to pull him into a hug "How are you all doing?" she asked sympathetically, landing a chaste kiss on her fiancé's lips before moving towards Rachel to hug her too.
Her question was met with little more than despondent shrugs, but both Chandler and Rachel returned her embraces warmly.
"Is she here?" Kathy whispered.
"No, Ross is bringing her home later" Rachel told her quietly.
"You switched the apartments back then?" she observed, glancing around the changed room.
"Yeah" Chandler nodded, taking in the culmination of their work. It felt right to see Monica's stuff back where it belonged. "C'mon, I'll take you across the hall to my place"
He picked up Kathy's bag.
"See you later Rach".
The two shared a wan smile as he left.
"How is she?" Kathy wrapped her arms around Chandler's neck as he dumped her bag on the floor.
She ran a finger over his cheek as she sadly observed his ashen complexion and the dark circles beneath his eyes.
"Not great" Chandler replied soberly, "I mean, not that I've really seen her, to be honest..."
"It's just so horrible" Kathy shook her head morosely, "It's giving me the creeps even being in here" she shuddered as as she surveyed the apartment in disgust.
Chandler swallowed hard and dropped his gaze to the floor. Attempting to forget that his own living space had been the scene of Monica's suffering was all-consuming.
"Where did it even happen?" Kathy asked absentmindedly, wincing as she continued to glance around, her brow furrowed.
Chandler dropped his arms from her waist, appalled by her question.
"Oh my God. Funnily enough I never asked!" he shook his head in disbelief.
"I'm sorry." Kathy apologized immediately, drawing him towards her once more, "I don't know why I said that. It must be awful for you, being back here."
"Yeah" he concurred grimly.
The truth was, ever since they had decided to switch back to Apartment 19, much of his energy was going in to not allowing his mind to venture anywhere near the atrocity that had taken place here.
"In fact, I was thinking.." Kathy said twirling a lock of his hair between her fingers "Maybe you should think about moving in to my place with me? We've been engaged for months now after all, it's ridiculous that we haven't moved in together yet. And you can't possibly want to stay here after this..."
Chandler pulled back from her as if he had been stung, his face incredulous. "Are you being serious? " he asked, his eyes boring into hers accusingly.
He stepped angrily away from her "In case you've forgotten, my best friend is going through hell right now. She is completely broken!"
Kathy raised her eyebrows and visibly winced as she noted the crack of emotion in her partner's voice. "Do you really think I'm just going to abandon her?"
"Wow. Passionate" Kathy muttered sarcastically under her breath, giving a shake of her head, a dark, warning look in her eyes.
Chandler ignored her remark but softened his tone a little and elaborated "And it's not just about Monica. You just saw the state Rachel is in. It's all of us. This has rocked everyone to their core. There is absolutely no way I would even think about moving out and leaving them all at a time like this".
Kathy took a deep breath "Look. I get it. I do. I know you want to be there for her, but I just don't see why you have to live here to do that. It's not like she's alone. She has her brother, she has Rachel, she has Joey -"
"And she has me." Chandler concluded resolutely, his eyes deathly serious.
Kathy's own eyes had narrowed to slits now as she scoffed "Yeah. Doesn't she just".
"My God. What does that mean? Are you jealous of her? Now? Really? I actually don't believe you." Chandler's cheeks flushed with a quiet anger Kathy had never witnessed in him before.
"OK. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that" she conceded a little guiltily, "I do feel for what she's going though, Chandler. I really do. And I know you just want to be supportive. I want to as well."
She stepped towards him and wrapped her arms tentatively around his waist. "Maybe I should move in here instead?" she proposed, glancing uncertainly at her surroundings.
"Kathy, I just..." Chandler pulled away from her again, bringing his hands to his face and sighing deeply "I don't have the head space for this"
Kathy's dark eyes welled up with tears now as she exclaimed "What is so bad about that? Is it so unreasonable for me to suggest that it's about time we live together?"
Chandler shook his head and told her gently, "No. It's not unreasonable at all. But moving in together should be an exciting and happy thing. And this is all just so... fucking awful. And right now, I can not think about anything else"
Kathy could see that he was close to tears himself now and drew him into a hug.
"I know it's asking a lot of you, to understand this" he said quietly, as he returned her embrace "and I know things haven't always been... easy... between you and Monica",
Kathy felt a barbed remark begin to form on her lips but was able to swallow it away as she considered the trauma the woman was going through.
"But, my friends.." Chandler continued "They're like my family, you know?"
"I do know" Kathy assured him.
She eventually drew back from him, to look into his face, and said "Listen, maybe it would be best if I headed back to my apartment tonight? I doubt Monica needs me as part of her welcome home committee, and it's pretty clear you all just need to focus on her return..."
Her eyes searched his, fully expecting him to reject her suggestion and ask her to stay. Tears stung her eyes when instead, he simply nodded gratefully in agreement.
She swallowed hard and moved towards her bag, knowing full well that he had not even noticed the small incredulous shake of her head. She had never felt more invisible.
"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then" she muttered sadly, as she gathered up her luggage and made for the door.
"See you tomorrow" he repeated softly, his wistful blue eyes seeming to look right through her.
Rachel had stuck her head around the door of Apartment 19 at around 8.30 to inform the boys that Monica's arrival home was imminent.
They had made their way across the hall immediately, and had sat in anxious silence, alongside Rachel and Phoebe, as they awaited her return. Even Chandler could not find it within himself to attempt any of their usual easy banter: He had never imagined it was possible to be so sick with nerves about something, but to desperately crave it in equal measure; That was precisely how he felt now, about seeing Monica.
He swallowed hard when he finally heard Ross's voice, and saw the apartment door begin to open.
The Geller siblings entered the apartment hand-in-hand, Ross protectively watching his sister's face like a hawk, ready to react to any hint of discomfort.
Monica's gaze was cast resolutely towards the floor, her face pale and drawn, her brow furrowed with anxiety.
A rush of tenderness sucked Chandler's breath from his lungs as he took her in. Her hair was pulled back tightly into a pony tail, revealing her delicately sculpted features. Her usually fair complexion was now so alabaster, she practically glowed. To Chandler, it seemed she possessed an almost ethereal quality.
"Hey!" Joey was the first to greet them with a wide yet nervous grin "Great to have you back, Mon."
Her lips pursed into a half smile, her eyes glancing fleetingly towards him and then scanning the room. Confusion caused her mouth to gape a little as she began to notice that her furniture and belongings had somehow found their way back to Apartment 20. She took a shaky intake of breath: She felt like she had traveled back in time. How she wished that was actually possible...
"What's going on?" she asked, looking up at her brother for reassurance.
Rachel smiled and approached her gently, "Chandler and Joey have swapped apartments back" she told her with tentative excitement.
The expectant smiles on her friends' faces began to fade as Monica frowned, and shook her hand free of her brother's grip, her eyes narrowing in disbelief.
"So you guys just went through all of my things, and moved them to a different apartment without asking me? You didn't think you should ask me if I wanted to move?" her eyes moved around each face in the room incredulously, observing the sheepish glances being exchanged between them.
Rachel was the first to break the awkward silence "I'm sorry Mon, we just thought.."
"Oh don't worry about it," Monica cut her off abruptly, giving a sarcastic wave of her arm, "Apparently, other people just decide what they want to do to me now. What I want counts for nothing. I don't need to be consulted at all."
Chandler swallowed a lump in his throat and looked down at the floor, completely mortified. How could they have misjudged this so spectacularly? How could they have been so stupid? Of course they should have spoken to her first. Taking away her autonomy at a time like this was the worst possible decision they could have made. A surprise was never going to have been well received.
"Is my stuff in here?" Monica gestured towards her old bedroom, "Or did you all decide to give me a different room?"
"Your stuff is in there Mon" Ross confirmed timidly.
She shot them all a final glare before entering her room and closing the door firmly behind her.
Rachel's chin immediately began to wobble and Joey pulled her into a hug. Phoebe cast a worried glance at Chandler, who was still staring at the floor; she knew only too well that he would blame himself for this.
All eyes shot round to observe him as he took a deep breath, got to his feet and strode towards Monica's bedroom door decisively.
"Chandler, maybe give her some space." Ross's advice was ignored as Chandler tapped lightly on her door.
"Mon, it's me. Can I please come in?" he asked nervously.
He was met with silence for a moment before he heard her reply shortly, "Do what you want."
He entered to find her standing at the foot of her bed, looking cross and twitchy, chewing anxiously at her lip.
He went to close the door behind him. "Leave it open please" she ordered sharply, her eyes alert and frantic.
He looked back at her in surprise, not wanting to entertain the idea that his proximity could be causing her discomfort, that she could ever consider him to be a threat of any kind. He pushed the door back to an open position "OK" he said quietly.
His eyes examined hers, but her expression was resolutely impenetrable.
"I'm so sorry." he told her, with a crack in his voice.
"For what?" she asked, her tone aloof.
"Everything" he said, shaking his head hopelessly.
Instinctively, he took a step towards her and reached out an arm, desperate to offer her comfort. As soon as his finger brushed her arm she flinched, leaping away from him as if she had been burned. "Get off me" she told him firmly.
He jumped away from her in shock and she had to avert her eyes when she saw the raw hurt on his face.
"Sorry" he mumbled, anguish in his eyes.
She folded her arms protectively in front of her chest and took a deep but shaky breath.
"Look, it was my idea to switch the apartments." Chandler began to explain, "And you are totally right: We should have checked with you first. I don't know what I was thinking..." he trailed off guiltily.
Monica remained silent, staring down at her feet.
"And... I'm sorry about that night. I told you to stay with him. To marry him" he choked, fighting back tears and shaking his head. That conversation had been replaying in his head on a torturous loop.
Monica squeezed her eyes together, trying to prevent her face from contorting in pain.
"If I hadn't... If I'd done things differently... It might not..." Chandler continued to stammer.
"It's irrelevant now!" she interrupted him hotly.
"You made a good decision anyway, choosing Kathy" she continued bitterly, sinking down to perch on the edge of her bed "If I was a screwed up, obsessive, compulsive, nightmare of a woman before, imagine what I will be like now! I'm a wreck."
He sat next to her on the bed placing a hand on her arm before he could stop himself. "Don't say that." She flinched again at his touch but he was relieved when she did not react further, allowing his fingers to rest on her skin.
"You will get past this" he told her quietly.
"How would you know?" her tone was combative as she scowled and shook his hand away from her.
Chandler sighed in frustration. He had never felt so out of his depth. They sat in silence for a moment before he finally ventured "I know you can get through this because you're one of the strongest people I've ever known, Monica. You're a fighter..."
"Yeah that's what I thought" her voice was almost a whisper as she blinked back tears of shame, "But when it came down to it, it turns out I'm not"
"What do you mean?" he asked her quietly, tentatively moving his hand back to her arm.
She dropped her chin regretfully before beginning to speak. "I completely froze, Chandler." she told him, her teary eyes finally meeting his "You've heard of fight or flight? Well, I did neither. I was useless. He won't have a mark on him, not a scratch, not a bruise. No defensive injuries at all."
She swallowed back a sob that threatened to escape her throat.
"Oh Mon.." he gulped, his heart felt like it was about break in two for her, and he longed draw her into a tight embrace, but he was wary of spooking her again. He settled for stroking her arm in what he hoped was a gesture of comfort. "Look, I'm no expert, but that sounds like a really valid response. You have to know that you did absolutely nothing wrong. None of it was your fault."
He studied her face imploringly but she did not speak and stared sadly ahead.
"Phoebe said you were seeing a counselor tomorrow? Maybe you could talk to them about this?" he suggested.
"I'm not sure I'm up to it." she muttered.
"I can go with you?" he offered
"You don't have to do that." She shook her head.
"Well, see how you feel." he replied, not wanting to push her too hard, "But it might be good to speak with someone who knows what they're talking about."
They sat quietly together for a moment longer before he said "I'm going to let you rest. You must be exhausted" she watched as he ran his index finger tenderly down the length of her forearm before standing up and walking towards the door. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Chandler?" she stopped him, "I know I was mad with you all for not speaking to me about it first, but I'm actually pretty relieved about the apartment switch" she admitted, "I wasn't looking forward to going back there."
He gave a small nod, appreciating her absolution.
"And this is my apartment after all" she continued, raising her chin, ever so slightly argumentatively, "And I would have won that stupid bet if it hadn't been for Rachel."
Chandler's face broke into a grin. Seeing a glimmer of that stubborn, competitive streak in her eyes had never felt more joyous.
"You would have won if you actually ever bothered to learn what my job involves. You girls don't listen to a word I say." he teased, before turning to leave the room.
"Chandler?" As he stepped through the door he heard Monica call him back again.
He leaned on the door frame to poke his head back into the room, his eyebrows raised enquiringly.
"Statistical analysis and data reconfiguration" she met his eyes with a small triumphant smirk.
He chuckled and shook his head "Night, Mon" he whispered fondly, closing her door gently behind him.