CHAPTER 29: SELLING OUT, PART 1
In the United States of America, there are anywhere from 100,000 to 1,000,000 cases of incest that occur, with only 10% of them being officially reported in.
For those fallen victim to this terrible, abusive crime, there exist crisis centers and hotlines for help; trying to give those fallen victim to the abuse the care and help needed to overcome their trauma and function once again as an individual. Without any jokes, this is a very, very serious crime, and one that should not be taken lightly.
But I'm going to do it anyway because I can.
Leni Loud is victim to something far different: Mental retardation. From being accidentally dropped on her head as an infant, Leni was notorious for showing severe unintelligence, even going so far as to walking into walls. She is undoubtedly the sweetest and most caring of the Loud family, but she frequently embarrasses herself in front of others by being a complete dumbass in general.
As an example of her (lack of) intelligence, she moronically thinks that she is the victim of incest herself; this thought originating from the kiss of gratitude to Ace Savvy at Dairyland, not knowing until now that he was truly Lincoln Loud, her younger brother. Perhaps too stupid to even know what sex is, much less have it, she falls into her own intellectual trap that she is a victim of incest...
...and, therefore, calls one of the crisis lines for help, wasting their time and money.
"Hello? Incest hotline? I need some help, I was victim to incest!" Leni said.
"Okay, ma'am, just keep calm, I'm right here. I can help you. Have you been physically harmed in any way?" The crisis responder said.
"Uh... I don't think so. Does a kiss count as a physical harm?"
"I'm afraid not, but, if it was unwarranted, then it still wasn't right."
"I don't think I had a warrant for it, is that what makes it wrong?"
"Excuse me?"
"I mean, I wouldn't have kissed him if I didn't know it was my brother, I just totes thought he was someone else!"
"Er... Pardon me, ma'am, am I to understand the reason you are calling is because you kissed your brother?"
"Yes. I didn't know it was him, and I might have accidentally slipped him some tongue."
"Ma'am, ma'am, listen to me; you're fine. Kissing someone by accident is not abuse."
"Even if it was my brother?"
"No, ma'am. I personally wouldn't do it, but, accidents happen, I guess."
"So, I'm not going to be pregnant with deformed babies?"
"No, ma'am, that's not how it works. I would advise you to seek out some sexual education to understand it fully."
"So, I'm going to be okay?"
"Yes, ma'am, it appears so."
"Well, what do I say to my brother?"
"Uh... I don't know, just apologize, I guess."
"That's it? Oh, yay! Thank you, sir, you're my hero!"
"Yeah, right. Well, like I said: Sex ed, try to find some. And maybe just education in general..."
"What?"
"Nothing, nothing, ma'am. Good night."
"Okay, thank you, goodbye!"
Hanging up the phone, the relieved Leni proceeded to head back downstairs, ready to offer her apologies to Lincoln and put the affair behind her; clearing all confusion and awkwardness that may lie between the two. Upon trying to get downstairs, however, not only did Leni forget how to use the stairs, but forgot what she was even going downstairs for.
"Wait, what was I going downstairs for, again? Oh, well, maybe it'll come to me." Leni said.
Upon walking away from the staircase, Leni walked into the adjacent wall, once again displaying her stupidity.
In this day and age, superheroes are the craze of the news. They might be at every turn of the corner, but they have become a staple in society that can never be ignored. As such, the media takes every opportunity to report on superhuman activities and exploits around the country; eager to jump at any story that presented itself.
The reporter known as Katherine Mulligan is no exception to these others, who is just as vigilant on any story regarding superheroes as anyone else in the field. Standing at the address of 1216 Franklin Avenue, Katherine Mulligan gained herself one of the biggest stories pertaining to any superhero; one that she will no doubt be comparing to fellow journalists for years and years to come.
Standing on the suburban street of Franklin Avenue, Katherine Mulligan has found the first official unveiling of a well-known superhero, revealing the hero's true identity.
"A few months ago, the city of Royal Woods was met with the appearance of a new local superhero taking his name and costume from an obscure comic book character. While many have held polarizing beliefs regarding this caped crusader, there is one fact that is now well-known about this young superhero: His identity. The spade-spangled hero has been identified as 12-year old Lincoln Loud, a local to the town and fanatic of the comic books. Through an unexplained scientific incident, this boy has gained the ability to absorb and redirect energy to cause any object to explode. A few minutes ago, Lincoln Loud and his family were attacked by the infamous superhero-killing hitman named Pubic Enemy, who was swiftly and 'savvily' defeated by the boy. Many questions still remain to be asked with Lincoln and the Loud family, and this reporter's sure to give you the scoop." Katherine Mulligan said.
From over her shoulder on the camera feed, a pantless Bud Grouse was escorted to a nearby S.W.A.T. van in cuffs, with his extremities blurred out for television. While being dragged into the van, Bud Grouse let out many colorful adjectives to describe his hatred of the Louds, blaming them for his current situation.
"[beep] YOU, YOU [beep]ING LOUD MOTHER[beep]ERS! YOU [beep]SUCKERS RUINED MY [beep]ING LIFE! ALL I [beep]ING WANTED WAS A [beep]ING PEACEFUL [beep]ING RETIREMENT! [beep] ALL OF YOU MOTHER[beep]ERS TO HELL, YOU MOTHER[beep]ING SATAN-SPAWN [beep]SUCKERS! I HOPE YOU ALL [beep]ING BURN IN HELL, YOU MOTHER[beep]ING, [beep]-LICKING PIECES OF DOG[beep]! [beep] YOU ALL FOR [beep]ING UP MY WHOLE [beep]ING LIFE, YOU [beep]ING MOTHER[beep]ERS! I WANT YOU ALL TO [beep]ING DIE AS VIOLENT AS [beep]ING DEATHS AS [beep]ING POSSIBLE, YOU[beep][beep][beep][beep][beep]-" Mr. Grouse shouted.
Before his censored rants could continue any further, the doors to the S.W.A.T. van were closed, ending his angry shouting from continuing on the TV feed.
"And, as you can see behind me, the Louds' neighbor, an elderly man known as Bud Grouse, has just been arrested on charges of indecent exposure and sexual harassment of a minor. He is projected to receive 15 years in prison." Kathrine Mulligan reported.
As the report continued on live TV, the rogue's gallery of supervillains continued to watch the report unfold, taking it with little satisfaction.
Where they were expecting to see Ace Savvy murdered brutally and painfully by the hired gun of Pubic Enemy, they were instead not only given the report of the spade-spannered hero defeating their hired help, but also some reports of his popularity beginning to rise once again with his unmasking.
"Oh, damn. This ain't good. How is it people are only startin' to like him once he got fingered by the media?" Tommy Gunn asked.
"After he got what?" Nailbomb asked.
"Y'know, fingered? Identified? Found out?"
"Yeah, that means something pretty different these days. You might wanna catch up on modern-day slang. You've got at least 100 years worth of it to read up on." Killer Crab said.
"Yeesh. You guys got dirty minds, you know that? A fella's got to have other things on his mind than shebas to stay sharp, you know? Besides, the boss says that he has his own fair share of broads, why don't ya ask him yourselves?"
"Yeah, right, like- Hey, where is the boss?" Icebreaker asked.
"What do you mean, 'where is he?', he's right-"
Tommy Gunn turned around to point out the location of their leader, only to find that he was no longer present. Every supervillain was well aware of the abilities of their leader, but none were expecting him to leave at a time like this, especially not so quickly as he did now.
"Hey, where'd he go?" Tommy Gunn asked.
"I don't know. Where the hell could he have to go at a time like this?" Decibel asked.
At the home sitting on the address of 1216 Franklin Avenue, affectionately known as the Loud House, the consequences of the battle between Ace Savvy and Pubic Enemy had come to fruition. With over 2 months of superhero battles and exploits under the belt of the spade-spangled hero, there was much for Lincoln Loud to answer for on his adventures and misadventures as Ace Savvy to his parents.
Starting from the beginning from seeking out a means of finishing his summer school project and find his purpose in life, stepping inside his sister's nuclear reactor, and fighting many Z-minus tier supervillains, Lincoln eventually made his way up to the fight that took place not a few minutes ago.
The sisters, all having worked so hard to preserve his identity, watched in sadness and defeat as they were forced to watch their brother give up all secrets bare. The parents, one the other hand, hearing each and every detail given out from Lincoln's exploits, were less than impressed with what they were hearing.
All things considered, though, they took it pretty well. No, I'm not being sarcastic, the Loud parents genuinely are good people. Way better than the shitheads I got.
"I have to say, Lincoln, out of all the big screw-ups you've had over the years, this officially tops them all. I don't even know what to say." Rita said.
"May I suggest: 'Wow, Lincoln, you've really made a name for yourself! I'm proud of you, son'?" Lincoln asked.
"May I suggest you save the jokes? We're really, really not in the mood for jokes." Lynn Sr. said.
"Oh, c'mon, guys, all I wanted was to be a superhero and help people! People like the Green Eye do it all the time, and I read about it in comic books since I was a baby. It's all I ever wanted out of life. What's wrong with that?"
"Oh, gee, I don't know, how about the fact that you: A: Attracted a lot of crazy and strange supervillains to the city, a bunch of which had endangered your sisters and who knows else; B: Endangering yourself and causing wanton destruction across the city, like with Dairyland, the bank, the supermarket, and everywhere else you've fought; C: Got our house shot up and full of bullet holes? I think that's a good start." Rita said.
Unable to justify his own actions with the staggering amount of evidence placed against him, Lincoln began to sulk into the couch, detracting in a silent form of defeat. His sisters, still quick to come to his aide, acted as his attorneys in his debate with his parents.
"Hold the line! Can't you see that Lincoln was just trying to find something he could be proud of himself for? He came to me talking about how he wished he had something to be passionate about like us, and he clearly found something that makes him who he is. There's so many superheroes popping up all over the world now, who's to say Lincoln's not a part of them?" Luna argued.
"He's still a 12-year old boy; not anywhere near close to be able to make decisions like that on his own yet. It's our job to make sure he grows up safe and healthy, and going out and playing dress-up to fight other people in strange costumes is a sure-fire way to get himself hurt." Rita said.
"But he can't get hurt, remember? You hit him with anything, he'll absorb it and hit you back with it!" Lynn said.
"Alsho, the energy he abshorbsh doesh heal any woundsh that may emerge, the few that can." Lisa added.
"But, from what he's told me, he can still get hurt or even die if enough force it put to his brain. Even so, it doesn't matter. I can't just stand around knowing my own baby boy's getting himself hurt badly out there. I've seen some of the reports on these supervillains, like that Freak maniac from Hillwood. That man killed a 9-year old girl live on television. You think I can... You think I can live with seeing that happen to Lincoln?" Rita asked.
Hearing the pained stammer and hesitation in Rita's last sentence, the collective all knew that their mother's concern was genuine and heartful. Nonetheless, none were fully deterred from defending Lincoln in the argument; still advocating for him continuing his career as a superhero.
The next advocate for his activities was Ronnie Anne, always quick to defend Lincoln in his dire moments.
"Hey, look here! You're comparing apples to oranges: This is Royal Woods, not Hillwood. All Lincoln's been fighting so far is just a bunch of idiots in dumb costumes, and none of them even laid a finger on him. In fact, Lincoln kicked all their asses easy." Ronnie Anne said.
"That psycho who literally just single-handedly killed 12 cops is your idea of an 'idiot in a dumb costume'?" Lori asked.
"Well... Uh... Okay, a few competent bad guys, but Lincoln's been handling them fine. Plus, there's that Silver Sentinel guy sweeping up what you didn't get, right, Linc?"
"Don't remind me. That guy wants to steal my job and take over fighting all the bad guys and drive me out." Lincoln said.
"Oh, so that means you can quit and we won't have to worry about the supervillains anymore, good. You're quitting this superhero nonsense." Rita said.
"WHAT?!" The protesting family members shouted.
"Mom, no! Please let me keep doing it! You don't have any idea how important this is to me! What about the summer school project?" Lincoln pleaded.
"You'll just have to write about someone else; you've still got a little over a month to work it out. Either way, you are done as Ace Savvy."
"Mom, please! You want to be a writer, right? How would you feel if you finally got to live out your dream, only to have someone else take it away from you? This is my dream, okay? This is what I want to do with my life. I've never known who I really was all this time, feeling like some kind of empty space where all the girls have their own things that make them who they are. Luna's a great musician, Lynn's a great athlete, Lucy's a great poet, Lisa's a great scientist, Leni's- Uh... Well, she's Leni. I don't want to be left behind while everybody else has their own lives! I don't want to be left a loser! I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT AS A NOBODY!"
Watching her son grow more and more desperate in his pleas to remain the spade-spangled hero, Rita began to lower her sternness to give way to sympathy, as did Lynn Sr. in shared concern. Kneeling down to her son and drying up his tears as they formed, Rita and Lynn Sr. gave Lincoln a light hug to waive his fears and insecurities.
"Lincoln... You're not a nobody. You're our son, and our only one. We love you with all our hearts, and never would we love you any less than we do your sisters." Rita said.
"Plus, you've still got a lot of things that make you... well, you. You know comic books like nobody else, you're a world champion at all the Muscle Fish games, you're an ARGGH! historian, and you make some mean peanut butter and sauerkraut sandwiches. Er, okay, nobody really likes those sandwiches but you, but it still makes you unique." Lynn Sr. said.
"The point is, you're still a wonderful and special boy, and you don't need to put on some costume to be somebody, because you already are."
Rita and Lynn Sr., acting as the supportive parents that they always tried their best to be, began to touch Lincoln with their arguments, ridding him of some of his own insecurities. However, while he was definitely touched by their speech, he was not quite moved to their position; still fixated on his goal of being Ace Savvy.
"I might not need to put on the costume, Mom, but I want to. It... It fills a hole in me. I've had so many big adventures since I put on the costume and had so much fun; more than I'd ever had in my entire life. Sure, it had its down parts, but everything does. Plus, think about what would have happened if I'd never put the costume on. Leni was attacked by Lars Rodriguez at Dairyland, and I saved her. What if I wasn't there as Ace Savvy?" Lincoln asked.
"Lincoln, look, we-" Rita began to say.
Before she was able to give a counterargument, a knock came at the door, catching the attention of the Louds and temporarily detracting from the main matter.
"I'll get that, it's probably the police with more questions." Lynn Sr. said.
Opening the front door, Lynn Sr. was greeted by an individual far less expected to arrive here than any police or news reporters. Standing at the front door was the shiny superman himself; the Silver Sentinel. Being so tall that he barely fit through the doorway, Silver Sentinel knelt down slightly to speak to the man at the door.
"Um, hello there, you must be Mr. Loud. I'm Silver Sentinel, I don't suppose you've heard of me before?" Silver Sentinel asked.
"Oh, yes, Lincoln was just talking about you while he was sharing his secret superhero life with us. He didn't seem to think highly of you taking his bad guys out for him, but you don't have to worry about that; we're getting him to quit." Lynn Sr. said.
"At least, we're trying to. He seems too far dead-set on keeping up to quit." Rita added.
"That's actually just what I came here to talk to him about. Is he still here?" Silver Sentinel asked.
"Right on the couch, Mr. Sentinel."
"May I please speak to him?"
The Loud parents opened the door for Silver Sentinel to enter, gesturing him to step inside. Giving a thankful nod, Silver Sentinel walked into the house, letting himself stand tall and straight up with his standing room expanded. None of the Loud sisters nor Ronnie Anne were too fond of him from Lincoln's recounts of him...
...but they had to admit that seeing him in person was mesmerizing to witness, in the least, taking in a sense of versimilitude from his very presence.
Lincoln, however, still maintained his animosity towards the shiny superman; still was he jealous of him taking away his admiration from the people of Royal Woods and leaving him hated by the media and citizens, and still did he not take kindly to the superhero arriving in his house.
"Hi, Lincoln. I caught your fight on the news. I have to say, you did a real good job. You've got a lot of spirit." Silver Sentinel said.
"Yeah, and I suppose this is the part where you tell me where I shouldn't be doing it yet, or something like that. I've already had to fight a hitman who eats pubic hair and had my secret identity, you think I've taken enough crap for one day? It's not enough that I got my butt kicked pretty bad, but, now, you have to rub it in my face? What kind of a 'superhero' are you?" Lincoln asked.
"Lincoln, please-"
"And another thing, where the hell were you the last two fights I had? I go against Nailbomb, Icebreaker, and Decibel all at once; you're nowhere to be found. I fight this new Pubic Enemy guy; you're nowhere to be found. Before, you were taking every single bad guy I could scrape from the bottom of the barrel and stole all the glory for yourself. What more do you want from me? Like, are you here to make my parents get divorced and burn down our house? If that's the case, you can probably tell that there isn't much left to burn, so, go right ahead."
"Lincoln! I'm not here to do anything like that. I just want to tell you something."
"Oh, yeah? What now?"
Taking a seat on the couch across from Lincoln, Silver Sentinel took a place of comfort for himself, his following speech carrying no comfort of its own. For someone with seemingly limitless power, it appeared obvious that the Silver Sentinel was not prepared for the words he was about to speak.
Letting in and out a deep breath, the shiny superman readied himself as best he could to do so.
"I think... I've been... going about this whole thing all wrong. You know, telling you to quit being Ace Savvy. I was trying to tell you that you were too young, but that just made you all the more dedicated to the life. I wasn't saying what I needed to tell you about this life. It's a fun job just as it is thankless, but it has some serious consequences a lot of the time. Consequences you can't live with a lot of the time." Silver Sentinel said.
"Like getting everyone in the city to hate you? Yeah, you made that one perfectly clear for me, thank you very much." Lincoln said.
"No, Lincoln. There's worse things than that. There are consequences you can't forget, consequences that stick to you forever. They make your life very, very hard, and it makes you question who you are as a person. Things worse than what you've seen already."
"You turned the whole city against me, got a naked dude's balls shoved in my mouth, and I nearly got killed by some pube-munching maniac when you could have helped; the one time I could have actually used it. What on Earth could possibly be worse than that? What could you, with all your powers, have lived through that I haven't? Huh?"
With one last heavy breath and a pounding heart against his chest moving the blood to his brain to process his thought, Silver Sentinel gave his answer.
"I had a 4-year old boy die in my arms." Silver Sentinel said.
There was a mixture of emotions about the Loud family regarding the Silver Sentinel: the sisters and Ronnie Anne viewed less of him, all siding with Lincoln; the parents, Lori, and Bobby all viewed him as just a man of power trying to do good, and Lincoln viewed him as a bitter rival intent on stealing his glory for himself, holding only selfish reasons.
After hearing him share this fact, the family all shared one united emotion of shock, quickly followed with waves sympathy, even Lincoln himself.
"What did you just say?" Lincoln asked.
"It was... It was 6 years ago, back when I was in Monopolis. There was an apartment complex on fire. I dropped down and checked with law enforcement, they said that there was still one boy left inside on the 17th floor. I flew in and looked for him. It didn't take long, I heard... I heard the screams of a boy in pain calling for his mother and father. He was... He was begging that they would stop the burning... stop the... the pain... By the time I got to him, he was... completely in flames. His skin... like leaves falling... His screams... Unlike anything I would expect to come from a child... And... and the smell... Oh, god, the smell..." Silver Sentinel choked.
Barley able to complete his own story, Silver Sentinel began choking in the middle of his sentence, holding back a few tears. Watching someone made of steel begin to melt under the terror of his own story, the Louds and Santiagos were not so capable of holding back their tears, crying at the description of Silver Sentinel's story.
Swallowing his emotions and tears, Silver Sentinel pushed himself on to finish the story.
"His eyes were burned, but he could still see me; he could tell it was me. He seemed so happy to see me, thinking I would be there to stop it all. I tried to, I really did. I flew right out of the building, carrying him with me, but I moved too fast. He was already badly hurt from the burning, the flight was what finished him off. I rushed it to make it in time, but I ended up... After I got him down to his parents, they just completely went empty upon seeing him. They told me that he was a big fan of me; collecting all my toys and merchandise, and his dream was to meet me. I guess that's why he just stopped thinking about the burning once he saw me. But... I couldn't save him. I still see his face, whatever you could even call a face after what the flames did to him, every night." Silver Sentinel said.
By this time, not one of the Louds nor Santiagos had gone without shedding any tears. After hearing him finish the story, every one began crying even more heavily at the completion, even some of the more hardened sisters like Lucy and Lisa succumbing to the Silver Sentinel's delivery of the story.
Most importantly, Lincoln barely found himself able to hear the whole story; too drowned in his own tears to comprehend the lot. Needing him to hear the message most, Silver Sentinel put himself face-to-face with Lincoln, sharing the last and most important part of his speech.
"That is a memory I cannot stand to live with, and I do not want anyone to live that, either. Especially not someone so young as you. You've got too much life ahead of you to have that kind of burden on your shoulders. You don't need to put any kind of responsibility like that on yourself just yet. You're still a kid, and you've got a lot of loving family and friends. I'd give anything to have what you have now. Anything." Silver Sentinel said.
"Even the superpowers?" Lincoln asked.
"Especially the superpowers. Look, Lincoln, if you won't quit for anyone else, would you do it for yourself? You can still have a good life ahead of you. Maybe you'll forget about being a superhero, or maybe you'll come right back once you're older. Either way, I just want you to enjoy your life right now. Please?"
When first encountering the Silver Sentinel, Lincoln had nothing but contempt for his new rival. Wanting to make his mark upon the world as a superhero, never did he stop to think about the effects on other people. Placing all his focus on himself and only himself, he had lost sight of the real purpose of a superhero: To put others before himself at all costs.
Finally realizing this truth, Lincoln let out a deep breath of his own, finding the courage to let out the words he needed to let out.
"Okay. I'm done. No more Ace Savvy. Royal Woods is all yours." Lincoln said.
Having finally made his breakthrough with Lincoln, Silver Sentinel gave a content smile, lightly patting him on the shoulder. Picking himself up from his kneeling position, Silver Sentinel proceeded to make his way out of the house, having accomplished his mission at last.
"Thank you, Lincoln. I'll take good care of it. Remember: Just enjoy your life. You only have one life, and only one childhood." Silver Sentinel said.
"I will. And Silver Sentinel? I'm sorry. I really am sorry." Lincoln said.
Not wanting to speak any further on the topic, Silver Sentinel gave only a nod regarding the topic.
"Have a good life, Lincoln." Silver Sentinel said.
Bidding his last farewells to the family, Silver Sentinel made his way out the door, heading to whatever place he may be needed next. As the shiny superman took off to the skies, the Louds looked on as he flew away; finding a new appreciation for the hero and letting their sentiments towards him fade away.
With his mind changed over the matter, Lincoln turned to his family to address his new decision.
"Mom, Dad, everybody, I'm really sorry. I was being stubborn about the whole thing, and never really thought about how what I did affected other people. I was too focused on trying to be cool and popular, and never really considered what being a superhero was really supposed to be about. Like I said, I quit." Lincoln said.
There still existed some wishes that Lincoln would continue his career as a superhero, the majority were all in shared relief that he was quitting, knowing that he would never have to suffer such horrors as Silver Sentinel described, and not wanting Lincoln to suffer the same fate.
That being said, there were still some remnants of skepticism among the group.
Still ever-so quick to back up Lincoln, Ronnie Anne had a sliver of questions in her mind regarding the scenario, and a certain sort of mistrust about Silver Sentinel. Why she has her mistrust she cannot say; perhaps it pertains to her awareness of the 4th wall, or perhaps a bullheadedness inherent in her personality.
After hearing the horrific fate of the young boy as he had described to them, however, her thoughts are stashed away for now.
"Well, Lincoln, it sure was fun, but sorry to see your superhero career go up in flames! HA-HA-" Luan began to say.
Within an instant of making her joke, Luan felt an enormous amount of guilt from having made it; basing it all on an extremely inappropriate context. Likewise, every family member shared the same sentiment; giving her looks of disgust, anger, and shock all at once.
Out of all the sisters to protest her joke, Lola, the one with arguably the most sociopathic traits, was the one to share their collected distaste.
"Way. Too. Soon." Lola said.
"Uh, sorry. I just needed some kind of laugh after that whole story. It really burned me out-" Luan began to say.
Not wanting to make a second taboo joke, Luan covered her mouth before it could let out the last of the sentence. Retaining the thought within her mouth, her mind began to seriously question just how little empathy she really seemed to have if she were capable of making such jokes.
"I'm... just... gonna... go over here now... and stop talking." Luan said.
Making good on her promise, Luan discreetly scooted herself away from the other family members, hoping to sit out her embarrassment until it had left her. While Luan was taking her momentary sabbatical from the group, another knock came to the door, briefly taking away their attention from her ill-timed jokes.
With Lynn Sr. opening the door yet again, the family was met by the presence of yet another unexpected visitor. This time, the family was met by the arrival of Stella Zhau, showing up with a rather somber look on her face. Neither of the parents might have expected her to appear tonight, but they were expecting her reaction even less.
"Uh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Loud. Is Lincoln home?" Stella asked.
"Right here." Lincoln said.
Presenting himself for his unexpected visitor, Lincoln awkwardly stood in the front door, not ready to finally end things between himself and Stella so suddenly and after so intense a battle. Darting his eyes back and forth, attempting to avoid direct eye contact by any means possible, Lincoln tried to approach his message as casually as possible to lighten the load.
"Uh, hi, Stella." Lincoln said.
"Hey, Linc. I, uh... I saw you on the news. About how you were Ace Savvy. I came here to say... Well... Wow. I didn't see that coming. Really cool, honestly. It does explain a lot, too. I, uh, I know that I seem bad at saying what I'm saying, but... It's just a shock, you know? I still think it's cool, really. You're still really cool, and-" Stella began to say.
"Uh, Stella, before you go on, I just wanted to say... I really do like you, but... I can't do this with you. I belong to someone else. I wish things didn't have to-"
Unable to watch the two stammer over each other anymore in an awkward break-up session, much less with an individual who her boyfriend was cheating with, Ronnie Anne stepped in to solve the problem herself. Pressing her arm up against the wall, letting her arm lurk over Lincoln, Ronnie Anne took a sly and smug look towards Stella as she delivered the following message:
"Hey, there. You must be Stella. I'm Ronnie Anne, his girlfriend. Whatever bullcrap you came here with, you can take it right back, cram it up your ass, and get lost. He's mine, bitch." Ronnie Anne said.
Grabbing Lincoln and pulling him in closely, Ronnie Anne began aggressively french-kissing him, shoving her tongue in his mouth in an obvious fashion, exaggerating loud moans, giving up a middle finger, and staring right at Stella while doing it all. While the others were all stunned to see Ronnie Anne show such an aggressive display of affection, especially Bobby, having known her since she was a baby.
But none were so taken aback than Stella. Coming to try to have a normal conversation with Lincoln about his secret identity, Stella was instead given a display of humiliation by the crude and crass Ronnie Anne, adding insult to injury for what she was coming to do.
Angered by her now ex-boyfriend's current partner shamed and taunted in such a way, Stella's expression quickly turned to rage.
"Oh, that's real mature. You know, all I really wanted to do was just give him his leftovers from dinner, because now I know he just had to leave because of superhero stuff... But... that was just... God, you bitch! You want him?! Fine, take him, you slut! I hope you're happy!" Stella yelled.
Taking the carry-out food from Anna Anong's, Stella threw the bag of food on the ground, destroying the meal and furiously stomping off. While Ronnie Anne took a streak of pride in her act, letting out a wide, ear-to-ear smile, Lincoln, although having enjoyed the display, felt nervous about the approach she had taken.
"Uh, you really think that was necessary?" Lincoln asked.
"Lincoln, if there's one thing you have to learn about girls, it's that we love making other girls jealous, especially when they try to steal our guys. Besides, you were just stammering there like a dork, so I wanted to make it easy for you." Ronnie Anne said.
"Looks like you made it hard for him instead! HA-HA-" Luan began to say.
As soon as Luan realized the context of her own joke, she once again stopped in her tracks in pure disgust.
"Did I seriously just joke about my brother's boner?" Luan thought aloud.
"You sure did, Luan. You really need to learn how to read a room." Lynn said.
Just as Luan had started to backtrack on her joke, letting out a few gags as she did so, Lincoln had noticed what the context was; realizing that his pants were displaying a reaction to the display leading to a very different display of its own. Embarrassed of his bulge showing from his pants, Lincoln instinctively covered himself, hoping the excitement would fade away.
"Yeah, welcome to puberty; you're gonna deal with those for a while. Play your cards right, I could deal with them for you." Ronnie Anne said.
Understanding the implications of Ronnie Anne's flirt, Lincoln blushed to a bright, beet red, letting down a large gulp to compose himself.
For those of you who find the depiction of 12-year olds talking about this subject questionable, just remember: In Hey Arnold!, Season 4, Episode 6, Helga's Parrot, a 9-year old girl says, and I quote: 'Arnold, you make my girlhood tremble'; and that was a real episode. Kids are goddamn maniacs, and so are animators.
Anyways, Ronnie Anne followed up her flirt with a playful push to his shoulder, knocking Lincoln out of his paralyzed trance.
"Whoa, there. You gotta wine-and-dine me first before we get that far. You and I got almost a year to catch up on together, and about a month's left of summer to work it out." Ronnie Anne said.
"Oh, uh... yeah, yeah, right. How about we go to the arcade or something sometime? Try to work past all this?" Lincoln asked.
"Now you two are going to be in for some disappointment. Lincoln's grounded. For a long while." Rita said.
Hearing their plans immediately stepped on before they could even come to fruition, Lincoln and Ronnie Anne both snapped to the Loud parents with devastation.
"WHAT?!" The two screamed.
"Are you serious, dude?! I just him got back!" Ronnie Anne said.
"Yeah, we finally worked everything out!" Lincoln said.
"You went off behind our backs with your superhero thing, and you got the house destroyed." Lynn Sr. said.
Taking a look around the aftermath of Pubic Enemy's gunfire, the two realized the heavy amount of damage the Loud House had suffered, knowing that it was almost beyond repair. The house may never have been in terrific shape or known for much functional utilities, but it never had seen such poor shape as this.
"It'll take hundreds of thousands of dollars to get this all fixed, and we've got to pay for it." Rita said.
"And I just added $37 to the retirement fund, that was double what we put in last time." Lynn Sr. said.
"But... But... But..." Lincoln stammered.
"No 'buts', Lincoln. You are grounded, and that's final." Lynn Sr. said.
Upon finishing his sentence, one more knock was heard at the front door, putting the conversations inside on hold once again. Annoyed by the persistent visitors that seemed to show up out of nowhere, Lynn Sr. approached the door yet again, this time throwing away all his expectations on who could be behind the door.
"Oh, goodness, I hope that's not the insurance man again." Lynn Sr. said.
Opening the door with an annoyed groan, Lynn Sr. was now met with yet another unexpected visitor, but, this time, one not known by any individuals in the house. This new visitor was a sharp-dressed man in a suit and tie; wearing an expensive watch and carrying a briefcase.
"Hello, sir, is this the 'La-ood' residence?" The man asked.
"That's 'Loud', but, yes. Who are you?" Lynn Sr. asked.
"Uh, Terry Seagal. I'm with Key Comics."
"Oh, no, the copyright affair? As if we didn't have enough problems for tonight."
"No, no, no, Mr. Loud. I'm here to bring you a very lucrative offer regarding your son."
"We're not interested. Our son's not for sale." Rita said.
"Oh, but, Mrs. Loud, I think you'll at least want to hear this out. See, there was already a surge in market sales regarding the Ace Savvy I.P. ever since your son emerged here; his public identity has just spiked our sales to, uh, the highest they've ever been in decades. Your son's a celebrity now."
"And that means what to us?" Lynn Sr. asked.
"Well, you see, we'd like to make your son official to the company, make him sort of a spokesperson. You know, do some commercials for a few products here and there, some movies and TV shows, a line of action figures; your son is a walking blank check in the making. A lot like we used to do with real superheroes in the first few days, but he won't have to do any fighting."
"We said no. We're not selling our son to be some corporate dancing monkey for you. Besides, he's grounded." Rita said.
"Oh, but I took notice of your particular situation regarding that fight with this Pubic Enemy character, and your house looks to be in pretty bad shape. We'd be able to give you more than enough money to buy a new house; one far more spacious to your family."
"We're happy here, sir. This is our home, and it always will be." Lynn Sr. said.
"Okay, well, then, you could use the money to fix it back up again. Not to mention, 11 kids in your family, there's always the question of college funds."
With the magic words of college funds added to the conversation, as well as the promise of repairing the damaged house, the parents began to briefly rethink their hardline position. However, as tempting as the offer was, the parents, still more focused on their family than money, still held their beliefs strong.
"We're more than able to handle ourselves, sir. Now, for the last time, we are not interested. We don't care what you offer us, there is nothing you can say or do that will make us change our minds, not for any amount of-" Rita began to say.
As Rita began her last rejection, Terry Seagal began taking a checkbook and writing on it, subsequently pulling out a completed check and handing it to the Louds. Upon seeing the large amount of zeroes added to the sum of the amount on the check, the Louds quickly lost all signs of opposition; focusing only on the large amount of money being handed to them.
And, once again, it is proven that, in this world, money can buy anything.
"LINCOLN! YOU'RE UN-GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, NOW GO GET RICH!" The Loud parents said in unison.
Just as any kid would react to hearing those words, Lincoln Loud shot up with the brightest smile anyone could elicit from a human being.
Elsewhere, at the unknown warehouse of the supervillains, the subordinates all began to grow restless from the disappearance of their leader; none understanding where he could be at such a time as this. With the question of the survival of their plan in question, anxiety and tensions began to grow higher and higher within the group; none knowing what to about the defeat of Pubic Enemy.
"Jesus Christ, how the hell did they waste Pubic Enemy? That dude killed gods and got away with it, I mean, how the hell did this dumb kid do it?!" Tommy Gunn shouted.
"That little Latina girl helped him somehow. But how the hell did she even think to try crablice? How'd she even get it?" Icebreaker asked.
"Who cares about that crap? Ace Savvy's still out there, and he's better than ever. Now that he beat this guy, he's gonna be twice as pissed at the rest of us." Killer Crab said.
"Hey, man, we know who this kid is and where he lives now. Let's just go over to his house and waste the punk and his whole family. What are we even discussing this for?" Nailbomb asked.
"Yeah, yeah, you got the right idea. Let's head over there and kill the little brat!" Decibel said.
The team of supervillains all raised their voices in motivated cheer as the suggestion was made; all ready to end the life of the superhero before he could end their careers. Before the group were able to organize themselves and leave the warehouse, however, they were all stopped with a loud, booming voice; one that put all such notion of leaving to an end, letting out a loud and ear-piercing:
"NO!" The voice said.
Turning to see their leader arriving back to their hideout, all the supervillains immediately ran silent, listening carefully to their commander. Obeying their leader's orders, all the would-be attackers on the Loud House quieted down in respect, listening carefully to what their arriving leader would say next.
"Oh... Uh... Hey, boss. We, uh, didn't see you walk in, or walk out. Where ya been?" Nailbomb asked.
"I took care of our problem of Ace Savvy, or, Lincoln Loud, as his real name is, apparently. He's not an issue anymore." The leader said.
"What?! Boss, he's still not dead, and, now, the whole world knows who he is! How the hell is he not an issue anymore?" Tommy Gunn asked.
"The objective wasn't to kill him. I told you before, if we martyred him, the people would never forget about him. For this plan to work, we needed to convince him to quit being a superhero altogether. He gave up easy. Now, he's making some deal with Key Comics to be a spokesperson; he won't be coming back after that."
"And why not? Icebreaker asked.
"He's a 12-year old boy. You give him millions of dollars, he just becomes a lazy putz, superpowered or not. Now, people are just going to see him as just some has-been, but still eat up whatever Hollywood schlock he churns out until the next new corporate-friendly kid comes out."
"So, then, uh... What do we do now, boss?" Killer Crab asked.
"Now? Well, my comrades, after you've been so very patient for so very long..."
The leader now no longer hid within the shadow; allowing his face and figure to finally come to light. Allowing his body to come through the darkness, the shaded black silhouette of his body soon turned to a metallic, sparkly silver, shining against the lighting of the warehouse.
With the shiny superman finally showing his true face, the mastermind behind the plan gave a satisfied smile, revealing himself as Silver Sentinel.
"...this is where the fun begins." Silver Sentinel said.
And after he made his dramatic moment, Silver Sentinel stood in place in awkward silence, leaving the other villains to stare at him in wait.
"Okay, boss, we're waiting. Where's the 'fun'?" Killer Crab asked.
"That means we get to go on with the main plan." Silver Sentinel said.
"Oh, oh. Right. I thought you- You know."
"Thought what?"
"Thought you were gonna do something else."
"No."
"You know, 'cause it looked like you were gonna do that."
"I wasn't."
"Okay, never mind, then. It just looked like it was."
"Why are you doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"That thing you're doing."
"What thing I'm doing?"
"That thing in all the superhero movies out now that feel the need to make a dumb joke about nothing, and drag it on for as long as possible in some post-modernist move to be clever and genre-savvy."
"You don't like it when they do that?"
"No. It's not funny, it's stupid and annoying. It's not actually parodying any tropes in comics books or superhero archetypes, it's just distracting and takes from the movie, like you don't care about what you're writing. And if you don't care about the story you're telling, then why should we, as the audience? It makes no sense at all to do."
"You really hate it that much, huh?"
"Yes. It's like the writers are trying to make their characters dumb and quirky on purpose, so the average moron goes 'Oh, that's so relatable! This character's just like me'! They don't try to make a superhero for you to actually live up to as an example of who to be anymore, no, they have to drag this shit down to the lowest common denominator as a race to the bottom for all forms of entertainment."
Killer Crab stood in contemplation of Silver Sentinel's argument, coming around to nod along to it.
"Huh. That's a really good point." Killer Crab said.
Once again, the villains all stood in silence, not having any new objectives to fulfill or any means of enacting their plan at the moment, awkwardly standing around together.