Chapter 2: Great Sage Equal to Heaven:
Story:
The monkey was going through the forests. He decided to have some fun and started pulling pranks on unsuspecting victims.
"Awe man, this is gonna be good," says the monkey. He then tied a rope to two trees and when a man tries to walk through... the rope catapulted him into another tree.
The monkey then laughs, but then the man came and chased the monkey.
. . .
"That was a close one," says the monkey, "I'm going to need some power of my own." The monkey then sees the Grand Master of Bodhi. The Grand Master demonstrated his mastery of 72 heavenly methods of transformation. "Hey, I could learn something from that guy!"
. . .
The Grandmaster then teaches the monkey the art of transformation. The monkey failed to actually shapeshift, but he at least can change his clothes.
"Wow, with these tricks, I can pull the best pranks," says the monkey.
"I did not teach you any of this so you can continue making mischief," says the Grandmaster, "I taught you so you can learn to defend yourself..."
"Oh, of course, Master!" The monkey then leaves. "Later!"
"I might have made a mistake," says the Grandmaster.
. . .
The monkey may have gained his new skills, but... "I'm still gonna need a weapon... hey, maybe the Dragon King has something I can borrow!"
. . .
So, the Monkey travels to the Dragon King's undersea kingdom and sees a big pillar. "What's this thing doing in this tackey palace," asks the monkey. He then touches the pillar, and it turns into a staff. "Now we're talkin'!"
"Hey, give that back," says the Dragon King.
The Dragon King then chases the monkey to the surface, but when they got there, the Dragon King's skin started to dry up and he went back to the sea.
. . .
The staff gave the monkey incredible reality warping powers. "I love this thing," says the monkey. Because of that, the other monkeys decided to make him their king. "Monkey King... I like the sound of that!"
. . .
The Monkey King was enjoying his new rule, but he started to realize something... "Hey, I may be the King now, but I'm just the King of monkeys! You know what I want now, I want some of that!" He points to the home of the Gods. "I think it's time for some God status!"
. . .
He uses another skill he learned from the Grandmaster, the somersault cloud and it allows him to travel 108,000 li almost instantaneously. He then arrives in Heaven. "Wow, I can see the jungle from here." He then sees the Gods. "What up, I'm Sun Wukong, but friends call me Monkey King, but you can call me one of you..."
"Kill the Outsider," says one God.
"Kill the Outsider," the other Gods agree.
"Oh, it's gonna be like that, huhh?" The Monkey King then fought the Gods, but the Jade Emperor arrives.
"So, this is the creature the five elements brought to the world," says the Jade Emperor.
"Hey, you must be the Jade Emperor," says the Monkey King, "what's poppin'?"
"Monkey King, is it? I shall make you the Keeper of Horses!"
"Yes, Sir!"
. . .
The Monkey King was watching the horses. "Man, I am bored," says the Monkey King.
"Keeper of Horses," says one of the Gods, "wait 'til he finds out that's the lowest position in Heaven!"
"He will never be one of us!"
"So, they're trying to make me a puppet, heh," asks the Monkey King, "we'll see about that!"
. . .
The Monkey King then returns to his mountain and puts up a flag. "I am the Great Sage Equal to Heaven!"
"Monkey King, the Jade Emperor sent us to arrest you!"
"For leaving my job or calling myself 'Equal to Heaven'?"
"Neither, for defacing all of the Jade Emperor's arts, pooping in his bed, and eating all his snacks!"
"I also set the horses free," says the Monkey King.
"That tears it, get him!"
The guards try but fail.
"Jade Emperor, give me a real job," says the Monkey King.
The Jade Emperor arrives. "Fine, you shall now be guardian of the heavenly peach garden!"
"Now we're talkin'," says the Monkey King.
"Remind me to have a talk with the five elements," says the Jade Emperor.
. . .
The different varieties of peach trees in the garden bear fruit every 3,000, 6,000, and 9,000 years, and eating their flesh will bestow immortality and other gifts, so Sun Wukong eats nearly all of the ripe peaches. "I'm a monkey, we love fruits," says the Monkey King. Then he sees some fairies take some fruits. "Hey, what are you doing with my immortality tickets?"
"We are collecting peaches for Xi Wagmu's heavenly peach banquet," says one fairy.
"Sweet," says the Monkey King, "so, when's the party? This monkey is a party animal!"
Awkward pause. "Oh... uuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm... you are not invited... bye!"
The fairies leave. The Monkey King gets a twitch. "Not invite the life of the party? We'll see about that!"
. . .
The Monkey King sneaks into the party. "If I ever see that monkey again..." The Dragon King who's in a bathtub begins.
"I know what you mean," says Princess Iron Fan, "but my husband has taken an interest."
The Monkey King then steals all the heavenly wine.
. . .
The Monkey King was getting drunk on the wine, but then an army of 100,000 celestial troops, led by the Four Heavenly Kings, Erlang Shen, and Nezha arrives.
"UUUUUUUUUmmmmmmmmm... I found this wine," says the Monkey King.
He then had to fight them all and was winning.
. . .
"This monkey is nothing more than a menace," says the Jade Emperor.
"You think," asks the Dragon King, "he stole my stick!"
"And my wine," says Xi Wagmu.
"And my shoes," says Zhenyuan Daxian.
"No, he didn't," says the Dragon King.
"Oh, sorry, I thought we were just saying stuff," says Zhenyuan.
"Should I talk to Buddha," asks the Jade Emperor.
"For a monkey," asks the Dragon King, "that might..." He then got a call.
"Boss, that monkey stole more of your stuff," says Babbo.
"CALL BUDDHA!"
. . .
"I am the Great Sage Equal to Heaven," says the Monkey King.
Then Buddha came and sealed the Monkey King under a mountain that became known as Five Elements Mountain, and he was under there for 500 years.
"You were right," says Fire, "and his destiny was to cause nothing but trouble!"
"So, it would seem," says Earth.
To Be Continued
In the next chapter, we meet Tang Sanzang.