A Floating Life
Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to SM.
September 13th – Unlucky for Some
Bella didn't think she would ever find it within herself to forgive Edward for putting their daughter in needless danger. His obsession with controlling everything and everyone around him had proven his downfall. Over the course of their relationship there had been so many red flags she had refused to acknowledge. Maybe it had to take almost dying to make her really open her eyes and see.
She had been so intrigued when she first met him. Brooding, sexy, confusing, dark, a bit mean, rude, cold, and standoffish at first, she felt compelled to know why he was so aloof and distant, especially with her. His cryptic answers to her questions just deepened her curiosity to understand what made him tick until it had turned into an obsession.
Thinking back on it now, Bella realized that from the very beginning he had always been the one in control. He would draw her in, then push her away, everything that happened between them always on his terms: he gaslit her, lied to her, put her in harm's way, ghosted her and stalked her.
Edward had gaslighted her from the get go by hiding his identity and convincing her that she was going crazy in order to do so. He was remote, making fun of her when she raised genuine concerns and tried to convince her that it was all her in head, like she was mad for even contemplating that he was a vampire.
He had broken into her house after only speaking to her once and watched her sleep. She was in the most vulnerable state a human being could be in, and he had still taken the risk of being close to her, knowing how much he thirsted for her blood.
How on earth had she ever considered that romantic?
Added to the fact that he used to follow her around in his car when she left the house lest she had been in danger. This was possessive behavior, yet he had convinced her it was necessary, and that it was all her fault because in his words she was a danger magnet.
Bella felt sickened as it hit her like a freight train how naïve and unsuspecting she had been. She believed it was her low self-esteem and insecurities that had led her down the path of no return. It had been so easy for Edward to lure her in when she learned his secret and expressed a genuine interest in him. Almost straight away he made a conscious effort to isolate her. There was a reason why Charlie had literally no clue what was going on and still didn't. He may be reserved, but he was a good father, knowing that something was not quite right, but unaware that his daughter was being held emotionally captive by an abusive vampire boyfriend. He did express his concerns about the codependency in the relationship, but by then Bella had already lost all connection with her friends once she picked Edward, to the extent where seeing them at her own wedding felt strange, as if she was one step removed from her peers.
Edward had removed himself from her life without forethought or discussion, his last words sending her spiraling into a deep void of depression, her low self-esteem and insecurities working against her, she had constantly injured herself riding the motorcycles, and recklessly jumping off a cliff just to hear his voice so she could feed her obsession.
Then coming full circle, he came crashing back into her life when he thought she was dead, deciding to end his existence by going to the Volturi, once again drawing her into a web of danger of his own making.
And so, the cycle of gaslighting, control, and emotional abuse continued until she ended up agreeing to marriage, just so she could experience what any normal, healthy, teenage girl would want in a relationship with the one they loved – physical closeness.
Sitting by Charlotte's crib, watching the young girl sleep, Bella was full of remorse, of regret, recalling all the times she had pushed Jacob away, heartlessly telling him she loved him, too, just not as much as Edward.
Really and truly, she was no better than Edward, gaslighting Jacob, manipulating and playing with his emotions to get her own way. One moment holding his hand, then complaining loudly when he moved in for a kiss after the constant stream of mixed signals she kept giving him. If not for the imprint keeping him chained to her side, she suspected he would have been gone long before this.
But there was no imprint now – yet he was still here.
That must mean he really loved her, didn't it?
How many times had Edward tried to stop her seeing Jacob? He had disabled her truck, stalked her in his car when she had to literally sneak off to La Push by making a last-minute decision so Alice didn't see her intentions.
Jacob even had to stage a getaway on his motorcycle to rescue her from Alice's clutches when Edward had made his sister arrange a sleepover to make sure she wouldn't be able to visit the reservation while he was away hunting.
There were so many other incidents, both big and small, she could list. It was devastating and chilling how she had just accepted everything Edward had thrown at her, usually blaming herself for most of it, because she was too fragile, too human, not beautiful, or captivating enough, or just enough in general. She had even taken the blame upon herself when she got a damn papercut causing Jasper to lose control.
And then there was Charlotte – the most beautiful, the most precious thing in her world. She had risked her life and her sanity to have her. And she would do it all again – it had been the one time she had really defied Edward – it was why she had reached out to Rosalie for protection, knowing that Edward would never have let her continue the pregnancy otherwise.
If it was left to him, he would have murdered their child. Charlotte would have ceased to exist. The thought was unbearable. It brought on real, physical pain. Pain that made Bella hunch over, sent her heart racing in her chest. She clenched her teeth to try and contain the scream building in her throat….
"What's the matter, Bella?" Jasper asked quietly, reading her growing tension. He seemed to have come out of nowhere. "Are you worried about Charlotte? All I sense is an aura of peace around her."
"No, its not Charlotte." Bella grimaced, hating that Jasper had managed so sneak up on her unawares. So much for her heightened senses. Was she losing them already? Or was her preoccupation behind not hearing his approach?
"No one is angry with you, or even surprised, really. Well, I suppose we are surprised. Surprised that you were able to snap out of it so quickly. You did well. Better than anyone expected of you."
While he was speaking, the room became very calm. Bella was reassured that her heightened senses were still operating when she heard Seth's breathing slip into a low snore. He had fallen asleep after making his way through another gargantuan feast that Esme had prepared for him.
Bella knew it was Jasper's powers that were enabling her to feel more relaxed and at peace, but she didn't forget her anxieties completely. However, Jasper seemed to be waiting for an answer, so she gave him one, even though it wasn't anything to do with what had really been on her mind.
"I was thinking about Charlie, actually."
"Ah." Jasper murmured.
"We really do have to leave, don't we?" Bella asked, her gaze focused on her sleeping daughter. "Edward may be gone for now, but he will return. I know it sounds cruel- he is her father and should have some say- but Charlotte's welfare comes first and I cannot put her at risk."
She could feel Jasper's gaze locked on her face.
"Yes." He agreed gravely. "It is the only way to protect Charlotte. I take it you are contemplating returning to live with your father for the interim? I had assumed you would go to the reservation under the protection of the wolf pack."
Bella brooded for a long moment – Jacob, she thought restlessly. Their relationship, so new and fresh, but still undefined, would presume the same. He accepted Charlotte for who she was, a remarkable, beautiful, innocent little child born in unique circumstances.
But, still, even though the pack had grown to love and accept her, too, Charlotte was still one step removed from them. She would grow and she would change in ways none of them could imagine. No one knew what the future held. It was a terrifying thought.
"I can't ask that of them, Jasper." Bella admitted eventually. "I take and take – never giving anything back. They have sacrificed enough of their lives keeping me and mine safe. I don't want to burden them anymore than I already have. I want them to be free. At some point I must have the courage to strike out on my own."
Jasper scrutinized her carefully with that intense look of his. "I think you underestimate their loyalty, their attachment to you and to Charlotte. I can sense their emotions, the strength of the cord that ties you and them together."
"Through Jacob." Bella sighed.
Jasper smiled slightly. "No, for you, yourself."
Bella looked up at him disbelievingly.
"You really don't see yourself as others see you, Bella." Jasper said earnestly.
It was something Edward had said to her once. It sounded odd hearing Jasper say the same thing, but coming from him, it came across as more sincere.
"Thank you." She murmured.
"For what?"
"For bringing some clarity to my mind."
"You're welcome." Jasper acknowledged with another smile.
The sound of movement on the front porch interrupted their conversation. Bella hurried to the window; Jasper darted to her side. She saw Leah arguing with Rosalie, the two locked in a heated discussion. Bella didn't need her super hearing to know what that was about – Charlotte.
"I think they might need my intervention." Jasper said wryly. He vanished down the stairs, leaving Bella alone to her troubled thoughts.
After the shouting died down, Bella returned to Charlotte's side. The little girl stirred in her sleep. Bella bent down and picked her up, jiggling her gently in her arms as she tried to soothe her.
Charlotte yawned and opened her eyes, her hand reaching up to automatically cup Bella's cheek. Immediately Bella's head was filled with images as Charlotte told her about every minute she had missed while they had been separated.
The little girl had remarkable recall – Jacob was included in many of her stories, like the time they were both watching the sparrows hopping closer and closer while Jacob held her, both of them very still beside one of the big hemlocks. Rosalie hovered in the background, her presence stopping the birds coming closer.
Another image, this time of some outrageously icky white stuff – baby formula – Carlisle had put in her cup; it smelled like sour dirt. Or the Quileute lullaby Leah had crooned to her that was so gentle and perfect that Charlotte played it twice.
Always in the background Rosalie hovered like some blonde guardian angel, her constant interference grating on whoever was taking care of Charlotte, her perfect features twisted into ones of longing and mistrust.
After almost an hour of this Charlotte's memories began to slow. They got slightly blurry around the edges and drifted out of focus before they came to their conclusions. Her eyelids fluttered closed and she yawned, her plump pink lips stretching into a round O, and her eyes never reopened.
Her hand fell away from Bella's face as she drifted to sleep again – the back of her eyelids was the pale lavender color of thin clouds before sunrise. Careful not to disturb her, Bella lifted Charlotte's hand and held it back against her cheek. At first there was nothing, and then, after a few minutes, a flickering of colors like a handful of butterflies were scattering from her thoughts.
Mesmerized, Bella watched her dreams. There was no sense to it. Just colors, shapes, and faces. Bella was pleased at how often her face cropped up in Charlotte's unconscious thoughts. More than anyone else, other than Jacob.
Bella walked back to the window with Charlotte still slumbering in her arms. She gazed outside. It was deep, purply night outside now, but she could see everything like it was day. Nothing was hidden in the darkness; everything had just changed colors.
Leah, still glowering and pent up from her argument with Rosalie, slunk into the brush just as Alice came into view on the other side of the river. Alice swung back and forth from a branch like a trapeze artist, toes touching hands before throwing her body into a graceful flat spin over the river. Esme came into view, making a more traditional leap, while Emmet charged right through the water, splashing water so far that splatters hit the back windows. To Bella's surprise, Jasper followed, his own efficient leap seeming understated, even subtle after the others.
Bella wondered idly why they were in such a playful mood as she ran her fingers lightly through Charlotte's ringlets. A soft smile crossed her face as Charlotte yawned again, her cheeks kissed pink with the heat coming from her body. She was so warm, as hot as Jacob and the other wolves. She was truly a wolf girl at heart.
Glancing out of the window again, Bella was startled to see a change come over the Cullens. The sudden tension in the group made her heart beat faster. Their pensive gazes were focused on the driveway. It was only then that Bella caught the sound of tires crunching on gravel. Then a very familiar car swung into view – it was Charlie's police cruiser.
Within seconds the man himself climbed out, his movements hesitant and unsure when he spotted the family spread out on the front lawn. He greeted them, starting with Esme.
"I didn't want to intrude…I know that Dr. Cullen told me it was best if I kept my distance because Bells is so gravely ill… but it's driving me insane not knowing what's happening. I don't care about the risk to myself. I'm her old man. I need to be with my daughter."
Charlie's face crumpled up as he ran his fingers through his pepper and salt hair. When had the gray taken over the brown?
"It's also her birthday you see. Bells is nineteen today." He held up a badly wrapped present, his hands shaking. Moisture sparkled in his eyes. "So, if you could just take me to see her, please. I would be very grateful."
A/N-thanks for reading!