He cut the engine in front of her place, but she didn't reach for the door. Their mutual exhaustion hung heavy in the air, and neither seemed to be able to find the motivation to move.
When everything was said and done, Ayanna had taken Elliot's truck home. Once Olivia was seated in the front passenger seat of her car with the door shut, Ayanna gripped Elliot's elbow and said, "You've put both of us through hell." Her eyes flicked to Olivia, who had her eyes closed and her head resting against the window. "Her more than me. Don't you dare leave that woman alone." Her grip tightened on his elbow, and he thought she might actually mark his skin. "Take her home. I don't want to see your ass anywhere near the office for a week. Am I clear?"
Elliot nodded. "Yeah, I know. I need," he said, shaking his head. "We obviously have some shit to work through."
"Obviously." Ayanna smirked. "I'll get the box back to storage." Her eyes drifted again to Liv. "You just worry about her. I'll get everything else squared away."
He nodded again, and her hand dropped from his arm. He took a couple steps towards Olivia's vehicle before turning. "Thanks."
Ayanna's eyes appeared a little dewy as she responded. "That woman has been through hell, Elliot. You've got a lot of work to do if you want her to let you back in."
"I know. I'm trying."
"Good." She whisked him away. "Get out of here. Get some rest. You both look like hell."
He did what he was told, and now he sat in front of Olivia's building, trying to find a way to get her to let him up. Their drive back to her place had been plagued with a deep silence, and he worried she was taking the time to rebuild some of the walls they had obliterated over the past few hours.
Elliot?" Her voice sounded so unsure, so unlike her, that his stomach flipped with nerves. His eyes met hers, and he felt himself getting lost in the warm brown irises that always felt like home.
"I..." she began nervously.
He felt relieved. He intuitively felt what she wanted to ask and jumped in to save her from the anxiety of asking. "Walk you up?"
The sad smile that crossed her lips both warmed him and broke his heart. "I'd like that."
-000-
When Olivia slid the key into her apartment door, she began to bow under the weight of the day. Her hand paused as she gripped the door knob. She was exhausted and triggered, and she was not certain if she could hold herself upright once she lost the support of the closed door.
"I got you." His voice came out with a low rumble behind her ear. One hand steadied her lower back, and the other covered hers on the door knob before slowly pushing the door open.
They stepped into her quiet apartment, and his hand remained fixed on her hip.
She suddenly realized she should clarify something. "You're staying, right? You shouldn't drive home right now..." Her voice sort of trailed off.
She felt his body relax a little, and she wondered how long he'd been working up the courage to ask to stay.
"You don't have to do anything, Liv. I can crash on the couch."
He guided her in the direction of her bedroom. He opened the door and flipped on the light. "Straight to bed, or do you want to change?"
She honestly wanted to fall onto her mattress just as she was, but her clothes were filthy, and she didn't have any desire to drag all the muck into her sheets. She ran her fingers through her tangled hair. She could really use a shower, but she felt like she was about to fall asleep standing. "I'll change." She could at least wash her face and run a brush through her wind-blown hair. To her annoyance, her heart sped with anxiety. She should be able to go to the goddamn bathroom by herself. She closed her eyes and swallowed. She felt weak for making her request, but she had faced too many demons, and she was tired of being alone. "Can you... if I keep the door cracked, can you just be here?"
His hand ran the length of her arm before he reached her fingers and gave them a light squeeze. "I'm not goin' anywhere."
His reassurance gave her a little boost, and she rummaged through her chest of drawers to pull out her needed clothing. She set her stuff on top of the dresser before digging out a pair of sweats from the bottom drawer and tossing them in his direction.
"Do I want to know?" He began, and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes.
"You're such an ass. They aren't an ex-boyfriend's, if that's what you're wondering."
"I was wondering, actually."
"They're Carisi's, actually." She said it with her tongue in her cheek.
She laughed when his eyes bugged out a little.
"Like the ADA?"
"Yeah," she chuckled. "Amanda's washer wasn't working a while back, and she brought a few loads over."
Elliot eyed the pants in his hands. "And you didn't give them back because..."
"Nothing weird. Amanda hates them. Something about an ex-girlfriend. I don't know. I just shoved them in the drawer." She picked up her things and made her way to the bathroom. "Don't overthink it," she called over her shoulder. The silly interaction made her feel a bit lighter.
She kept the door cracked. Her unease melted away, knowing that she wasn't alone tonight. There was another person with her. One who was more than willing to keep the suffocating darkness away.
She peeled away her clothes and stuffed them in a nearby hamper before slipping into a pair of comfortable pajamas. She thought about opting for something a little more sexy and a little less frumpy, but she prioritized her comfort on a night like this.
She glanced at herself in the mirror. Her makeup had long ago faded, and some light shadowing beneath her eyes indicated just how much crying she had done that day.
She flipped the faucet to warm, splashed some water on her face, and reached for the nearby night wash. She quickly brushed her teeth before returning to her bedroom.
Elliot stood at the dresser, sweatpants still in hand, admiring a recent picture of her and Noah.
"That was taken at Nicki's baptism."
"You look great," he responded with a grin.
She felt a warm flush flood her cheeks at the compliment. "You can use my bathroom. I'm not sure what sort of state Noah's bathroom is in right now. There's new toothbrushes in the top drawer on the right."
"Thanks," he said simply. "I'll be quick, um, do you have extra bedding or anything?" The question felt a little awkward, particularly when he stood only a few feet from her perfectly made bed.
It would be so easy to... She shook the thought away. "My couch sucks. Noah's bed is much better, and I know he cleaned his room before heading out for the week."
"Okay." He pointed his thumb toward the bathroom. "I'll be quick," he promised.
Olivia nodded, and he slipped through the bathroom door, closing it softly behind him. She sat on the edge of her bed and reached for the lotion she had kept on her nightstand. After squirting some into her palm, she rubbed it into the dry skin of her elbows.
Small noises escaped the bathroom. Running water. Brushing teeth. It felt surreal to have Elliot in her bathroom, with only a door separating him from her bedroom.
As promised, he finished up in the bathroom quickly. The door clicked open, and he stepped back into her room. His clothes were rolled beneath his arm, and her eyes swept down his frame.
The fit of his shirt showed off his overall bulk, and the sweatpants were a little snug and didn't leave a whole lot up to the imagination. When her eyes met his face, she realized she had effectively checked him out right in front of his face. She felt her cheeks flush a little.
Sensing the slight uncomfortable turn, Elliot moved towards her bedroom door. He paused before completely passing through to ask, "Open or shut?"
"Open please." He nodded easily, and she was grateful she didn't have to explain anything. He simply understood.
"G'night Liv," he said as he stepped into the hallway.
"Good night, El."
-000-
Olivia wasn't sure how long she had laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Sleep evaded her, but if she was honest, she wasn't trying that hard. William Lewis was dead, but his ghost occasionally invaded the serenity of her dreams. Tonight she was triggered, and she couldn't bring herself to close her eyes. With every slow, heavy blink, she found herself caught in a memory, and she couldn't trust the enticing reprieve sleep normally offered.
Her eyes drifted to her door, left wide open so she could hear Elliot's deep breathing coming from across the hall in Noah's room.
She rolled onto her side and tried to find a more comfortable position. Her mind tried to reason with itself, insisting that whatever awaited her in her subconscious wouldn't be real, and while it may be terrifying, she would survive. She had already survived.
Her mind drifted to the man sleeping in the twin bed across the hall. It would have been so easy to invite him into her bed, but the idea left her nervous. She knew he wouldn't try anything, and she would probably feel safer, but she wasn't sure if she was ready to face the implications of one night in a shared bed.
Maybe it made her nervous because she knew once she let him in, she would never want him to leave. It would never be one night when it came to Elliot.
Time ticked on, and she finally flipped the blanket off of herself, deciding to seek out a rarely used over-the-counter sleep aid. She was exhausted, and maybe the little extra push could tip her over the edge of sleep. She toed quietly out of her room, but paused at Noah's door, stopping short of the kitchen.
Elliot lay in her son's bed, his undershirt snuggly clinging to his muscular body. He had kicked off the blankets, so the ill fitting sweatpants were on full display. He laid on his back, but he had one arm lifted above his head, resting on the pillow. His undershirt had hiked up, revealing a section of his lower abdomen. The visual made her smile with nostalgia. Twenty-five years later, he still slept in the same position she would often find him in when awakening him on one of the bunks.
There was a softness in his face when he slept that was rarely present when he was awake. The firm line of his jaw was free from tension in his sleeping state.
Olivia leaned against the door frame for a moment and then stepped back. As she began to turn away, his rumbling voice startled her. "Everything okay?"
She would be embarrassed if she wasn't so tired. "Yeah. I can't sleep," she admitted.
He shifted his weight and scooted himself towards the other side of the bed. With his eyes focused on hers, he held his hand out.
She eyed him carefully and with an air of hesitation, but ultimately she took his outstretched hand and let him pull her onto the small bed next to him.
The space was tight, but something about the tight proximity soothed her somatic nervous system. She felt him brush her hair over her shoulder, letting his fingers sift through the ends. He placed a ghost of a kiss on her shoulder before slowly letting his arm rest on her waist. "I got you, Liv," he murmured. "Get some sleep, I'll be right here to wake you up if you need it."
Tears leaked from her eyes as he pulled the comforter over her body. "Get some sleep. I got you. I got you."
It was his voice, his presence, and his arms encircling her with a warm embrace that eventually pulled her to sleep.
-000-