A bright blue light shone across the surrounding foliage, then drew inwards to congregate at a singular point. All stilled for a short moment.

BANG!

A thunderclap rang out as a bolt of lightning shot down from the sky, tearing through the body of its unfortunate victim below.

"AIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The spiked Goomba let out a scream as it fell to the ground, thoroughly defeated. Some ways away, Grodus held his scepter high and glared down at the poor fools who had dared to challenge him. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's WITH these freaks!?" Two other Goombas gaped back, terrified at the sight before them. Their partner had been rared up and ready to go just moments before. He hadn't even had a chance to move, yet he was down and out already!?

The blue light returned. This time, Grodus turned his gaze to the Goomba on the left.

"Holy crap, NO! This is NOT what I signed up for!" This Goomba knew an impossible fight when he saw one. And so, he turned and began to run at the highest speed he could manage.

BANG!

The second one fell.

"Y-you… take this!" The third Goomba desperately leapt forward in the free moment between the mage's charges. There would be no other chance.

It was not meant to be. Red flashed across the Goomba's vision. His mind blanked as he felt an impact, and the world began to spin. As he rolled to a stop, he caught a glimpse of one of the stocky, jumpsuit-clad creatures just before an icy beam sent him into an eternal slumber.

Meanwhile, some short distance away…

"What are you afraid of, buh huh!? If you wanna fight, then get down here and –OW!"

Crump let out a cry as a Paragoomba slammed into the back of his head. Again. Four of them were flapping around him, working in tandem as they took turns kicking him. It was a relentless assault from all directions.

"That is SO cheap! When I catch you, I will WRECK you! So get on down here, chicken wings! You keep flapping around like you're hot stuff, but you're – OW! OW, OW! Would you just STOP!?"

"It's to your right! Th-th-the one from the right is coming! Aaaah, it's gonna hit you! You gotta duck! NOOOOOOO!"

WHAM! A foot smacked into Crump from the left.

Peanut had been screaming these useless instructions to him from the sidelines since the attack started. Crump's urge to walk over there and give him a good whack was only getting stronger by the second. By the stars, he was just so distracting, and all the panicked screaming was making his head hurt almost as much as these stupid kicks were.

While this was happening, Johnson was wrestling around in the dirt with one of the spiky ones and doing his best to avoid getting jabbed in the stomach. Xaido appeared to be trying to help Crump, but kept just indecisively holding his explosive potion in front of him as he tried to aim at one of the flying foes. For the third time so far he moved as if he was about to throw, stopped on the wind-up, and then continued to eye them without actually doing anything. Crump REALLY hoped he'd just not – after all, these things were legit on top of him, there's no way he wasn't in for a world of pain if Xaido's aim was even slightly off. They at least had made short work of two of the normal, flightless variety of Goombas already. Despite that small early victory, this scene had been going on for a bit too long now.

Yet again, a Paragoomba made a dive for Crump. He was ready for it this time.

"GOTCHA!" Crump screamed as he reached out and grabbed his foe by the foot. The Paragoomba let out a yelp of surprise as it realized he'd actually managed to take a firm hold. With that, Crump swung down and slammed it below him with all the force he could muster. One down.

"NO! We'll get you for that!" The kicks from the others grew ever more frantic.

It was at that moment that Johnson chose to charge forth, leaping up and tackling one of them out of the sky. He latched onto it and started beating the tar out of it.

Two down.

Seeing Johnson's wild attack, the remaining two backed off a bit. This was just the opening that Xaido had been waiting for – with the enemies now a reasonable distance away from Crump, he tossed his potion. It made a wide arc and then collided with the target. There was a small explosion.

Down goes the third.

Crump began to charge at the final one when he heard a voice call out. "Crump, hold your position!"

He thought about just charging anyways, he owed some serious payback to this flying nuisance. However, he was soon glad that he listened and stopped –almost immediately afterwards a lightning bolt from the blue slammed into the Goomba, thoroughly roasting it.

"Grodus, HEY! I'm like right here! What if that hit me!? That is SCARY!"

"That's why I told you to hold your position. It's a good thing you followed instructions, isn't it?" Grodus casually rubbed at the top of his scepter. "I do believe that takes care of that. Let us proceed once more."

The X-Nauts had been walking along this grassy path for hours now. It had all been rather quiet at first. Sadly, that had changed within the past few miles – apparently a gang of Goombas had set up along here and was none-too-happy to see a strange group of masked men parading around in their territory. The first few groups had charged in head-on, only to get completely destroyed by Grodus's lightning strikes. After the 'Nauts had accidentally let one straggler slip off, the gang members had at least been a little bit sneakier – the latest group had hid in the bushes and all jumped out at once in an attempted ambush.

The whole thing was more annoying than anything else.

"Can't we just take a different path or something? This seriously sucks."

"You know as well as I do that there is no different path. This heads directly to Happy Endings. Simply bear with it a while longer – according to our intelligence, we should be approaching sooner rather than later."

"Bro, my legs hurt so bad…" Kip whined. "Can't we at least stop and take a break?"

Grodus sighed. "Kip, the more breaks we take, the longer it will take for us to get there. We just took one not all that long ago. I promise you, we will be stopping at an inn for the night once we arrive. Now keep marching."

Following Grodus's lead, the X-Nauts trudged along.

One hour later, they were still trudging along.

On top of that, the scenery around them was gradually starting to look more and more gloomy. The grass wasn't nearly as plentiful and what was around was a little… brownish. The trees weren't exactly lush and green anymore, either. A lagoon of some sort ran alongside them. Strange bubbles could be seen rising up to the cloudy surface, spitting out gray sludge as they popped.

"…Hey, Grodus." Johnson growled.

"I know. Truly, you don't have to say it." Grodus had been keeping a good pace this whole time, but even he was starting to slow down a bit.

"Are we for sure that this "Happy Endings" place exists?"

"That's… certainly what I've heard, yes. I didn't have any reason to question the information I'd received at the time." Grodus pulled a map out from his pocket and scanned over it. Crump peeked over. The colored map showed a greenery-coated path leading straight north to a small village. It was hard to tell where exactly they were at the moment. "Though, I'd also heard that the road was peaceful and filled with lush, beautiful scenery. I do wonder…" He glanced around. "Something about this doesn't seem quite right, now does it? …But the path never split. How strange…"

"Yeah, that looks pretty straightforward. No clue. Maybe your info's crap?"

"Well, boss. What do we do now?"

"…We'll continue on for a bit longer. According to the estimates I was given, I believe we should be less than thirty minutes out now. If we don't find anything by then, we can stop and discuss our options. Keep your guard up."

Thus, they continued dragging their tired bodies forward. At least, they did until Grodus came to an abrupt halt ahead of them. He started looking to and fro, confused as they come.

"Hey, what's up? You hear something or what?" Crump asked. He had legit no idea what Grodus was weirding out for.

"What do you mean "what's up"? Can you not see this!?"

"See what?"

"I… wait. Actually, come here. Stand next to me. Just Crump, the rest of you stay where you are."

As instructed, Crump stepped forward when suddenly a bright flash of sunlight flooded his vision and left him reeling. He glanced around him, totally lost as to what the heck just happened, finding himself suddenly standing on a path surrounded with beautiful flowers. Birds chirped and the trees swayed in the wind. A stream gently trickled in the distance. The whole works. For a moment, he wondered if he'd somehow teleported, but Grodus was still standing there. The others hadn't moved an inch.

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Wait, what!? Where the heck is this?"

"I take it that you understand the issue now."

"That's crazy! Guys, there's some sort of warp between here and over there. Everything ever looks completely different, you gotta see it to believe it!" He turned to Grodus. "How does this even work?"

"This is the first I've heard of such a thing. …I haven't the faintest idea. Illusion magic of some sort, perhaps? But what purpose does that serve…? Hmm. This concerns me. I'm aware I've said it once already, but keep your guard up."

Despite their many reservations, the X-Nauts continued marching forth. It wasn't long before something new came into their line of sight.

The first thing they noticed was a tall, white, heavily windowed building with the word "HOSPITAL" written across the top in massive red font. Though it wasn't the literal centerpiece of the little town in front of them, it certainly was the star of the show. No other building around came even close to it in size. They could see it far before they got anywhere close to the village entrance.

As they approached, a chipper female Toad in a pastel pink nurse outfit greeted them.

"Welcome to Happy Endings! Are you here to be admitted? Or are you here to visit someone?" she chirped, her purple mushroom pigtails swaying to and fro. She readied a clipboard and smiled expectantly.

"Neither. Rather, it could be said that we are here on business. …I would ask that we wait on that. The road was quite long. Is there a place here that provides accommodations for travelers?"

"Oh, travelers! We don't get many of those. I guess that explains the clothes, then!" She looked at each of her jumpsuit-clad guests. "You'll have to tell me about where you come from later! It's been a long time since I've gotten out. Really, I haven't ever seen outfits like that before. …But oh, yes, right, the inn! The inn's that big building across from the hospital. It's the second biggest place here, you can't miss it, really!"

"Then we shall head in that direction. Let us go, men."

As the X-Nauts walked along, they took in their surroundings. It really was a weird place. Old people of all species walked to and fro, chatting among themselves. Some of these races they didn't even recognize – was that thing munching on berries under the beach umbrella over there a Shy Guy, a bat, or a bird? Two Bob-ombs in frilly sunhats sat on a blanket under the sun. A pack of Toad nurses pushed some wrinkly Koopas along in wheelchairs. Toads seemed to make up the nursing staff for the most part, but they were the only young folk in sight. This place was a veritable paradise for the elderly.

Johnson leaned in and whispered in Crump's ear. "Holy wow, dude. We've got to be bringing the average age here down by like a century right now. Did you bring any newspaper cartoons or coupons with you? 'Cause I bet we'd be really popular."

"You wanna hang out with them? Just go ask for pics of the grandkids and you'll be the life of the party for hours. I'm good."

The inn looked pleasant. Almost suspiciously so, though the X-Nauts weren't exactly used to this sort of atmosphere in the first place. The thatched roof gave off a friendly, welcoming feel. Vibrant flowerbeds lined the perimeter and tiny yellow butterflies flitted here and there, like they were dancing. It left them feeling like they had stepped into a painting. It was just… way too perfect.

Grodus stepped inside first. The squeak of a door and tinkling of a tiny silver bell announced their arrival.

Yet another overly peppy Toad in a flowery apron manned the front desk. "Oh, guests! And it looks like there's a lot of you, too! Who are you here for?"

"There is no "who", but we are interested in staying regardless. The length of our stay has yet to be determined. How is availability?"

"There shouldn't be any need to worry about that! We've got openings for you as long as you fellas want to stay. Let's see… one, two… six of you? We could do three rooms with two queens? Or we've got family rooms with a queen and four singles if that suits you better?"

Grodus pondered this for a moment. "…The queen with four singles will do."

Hey, wait a sec. You sure that's the one you want? Crump had a feeling he knew where this was going. Guess I'll just have to move fast. Great, thanks, Grodus.

The squad was soon tromping up a set of wooden stairs. As soon as Grodus opened the door, three red blobs shot past him.

Unfortunately, Kip and Johnson had aimed for the same bed. The two slammed into each other at full speed, heads knocking together with an unpleasant crunch. Crump slumped happily on one of the remaining beds. Victory was his.

"…What, precisely, are you doing?"

Fighting for survival, mostly.

"I mean, nobody wants to sleep on the floor, right? I wanna snooze, not lose," Kip quipped from the floor as he held his aching head.

"That was never my intention. The queen bed is large enough to be shared."

"You want us to sleep together? That's even worse! Like, I'm fine with these guys and all, but… y'know? It's the whole principle of the matter."

"The… principle of the matter?"

"Sir Grodus, sir. He's saying he doesn't wanna sleep with dudes." Johnson had crawled his way onto a different bed.

"Does it truly bother you that much? …Fine, then. In that case, I will take the queen bed. If one of you fools wishes to get over your trivial insecurities and take other half, then so be it. If not, I will enjoy it for myself."

And heeeere's the clincher. …How devious.

"I don't really mind. If the others want the single beds, then I'll take the other half."

Oh snap. And Xaido calls the bluff! What will Grodus do now!?

"I appreciate it. I will take the right side, then. You may take the left."

As it turns out, there was no gambit to be found. Grodus truly didn't care. After all, why would it matter? The family room was a better rate. There were no lasting gains to be had from splitting up, so why would he waste their limited resources on something so frivolous? How silly his men were to make a big deal out of this.

The Toad innkeeper appeared at the door with a basket of fruit and bread.

"So, what brings you all out here? Are you interested in hospice work?"

"Actually, you may have some information that we could use. We are headed to the old mine close to this town. What can you tell us of it?"

"That place? I can't imagine what you'd want from there, but you'd best be careful. It's been abandoned for a heck of a long time now. Since before my time, even! Some kinda nasty, puffy creatures have been coming out of there of late. Mean, too. Not only that, but the whole place's got that whole awful rotteny-egg type stench. Something's not right about the whole thing."

"That does sound rather unpleasant. We will be careful."

"Well, I'll let you all be. Just let me know if you need anything. I'll be downstairs. We don't discriminate around here no matter what you look like!" She winked.

…I'm feeling strangely insecure now.

After the X-Nauts had chowed down on the graciously offered fruit and bread, they got situated for the night. Crump snuggled in under the covers. The feel of the soft fabric against his toes filled him with bliss. …His feet really did hurt.

It didn't take long for them all to fall into a deep slumber. Someone was snoring, but everyone was too tired to care.

The night carried on. All were at peace.

Hands were wrapped around his neck. The pressure bore down from above, but he couldn't make out his attacker. A dark, amorphous cloud shifted around in front of his eyes – yet, his mind simply couldn't process it. Is that what a demon looks like?

He didn't want to die right now.

Using every ounce of willpower he had, he opened his eyes.

He was surprised for a moment to find he was on a bed, but then his memories from the day caught up to him. This is… the inn? We're at that Happy Endings place, right? A thick haze filled the area. He heard coughing from somewhere – but where?

Oh, crud. He still couldn't breathe.

He lurched over and started hacking, trying to get the slightest bit of air to his lungs. The coughing from before wasn't his own – in fact, there were multiple sources. Nearby, Johnson was gasping for air and clutching the bed frame. Grodus was hunched over with his hand tightly gripping his chest. Kip and Xaido, too… Peanut wasn't moving at all.

Crud… is this for real? Are we finished already? We didn't even get a chance to do anything.

Crump squeezed his eyes shut as his body began to go numb.

Birds chirped in the distance. Crump took a breath.

He opened his eyes.

Just like that, the world had righted itself. The pleasant morning sunlight streamed in from the windows. Was it a nightmare? He could only entertain that thought for a second – looking around the room at the others, it was clear that he wasn't the only one who had that harrowing near-death experience.

"What… the… hell…?" Johnson was clutching the bed frame like it was the last thing tying him down to the planet.

"…Is everyone all right!? Status report, each of you!" Grodus regained his composure the best that he could and started barking out orders in an attempt to gain some semblance of control over the situation. His hand, still clinging to his chest, portrayed his true feelings - he was quivering.

"Buh… well, I'm alive… I think?" By the stars, Crump really had no idea if he was actually all right or not. Really, his heart was still racing a mile a minute. "What about you, Sir? You're not looking so hot yourself."

"Never mind me for now! Johnson, you appear to be doing about as well as could be expected. Xaido! Kip! Peanut! Respond, now!"

"Sir, I'm a bit winded… still…. but I think I will be fine… in a few minutes," Xaido leaned against the wall as he panted out the words.

"Dude. I so want to go home. But I'm here, I guess…" Kip responded. He continued to lay rigidly as he stared up into the ceiling.

"Peanut? …Peanut!?" Grodus rushed over to the bedside. Peanut had not moved an inch. "Xaido, a healing potion! Do you have any easily accessible!?" he called out as he began digging through his own backpack and dumping various items out on the floor. Bandages, antiseptic, toilet paper, ibuprofen, throat lozenges, wet wipes, an EpiPen, a bag of gummy worms, a syringe, a thermometer, Q-tips, a multi-purpose pocket knife, a small packet of tissues… finally, he managed to pull out a see-through box with potions of various colors densely packed inside.

"Sir! I've got one, over here!" While Grodus had been doing a deep dive through his own supplies, Xaido had already managed to produce one.

"Give it to him, quickly!"

"Yes, sir!" Xaido rushed over to Peanut's side and pulled back his scarf. The liquid slid down the unconscious X-Naut's throat.

Within a few moments, Peanut sputtered and sat up. Though it sounded like he was coughing out a lung or three, Crump was beyond relieved to see the dumb little bugger moving again. Xaido gently held his hand on his back and whispered comforting words as he waited for him to recover.

"Gack ack ack ack… haaaaahhhh… well, it does appear that the danger has passed for the moment." Grodus allowed himself a chance to relax and refocus his thoughts. "Did any of you perchance see what happened? By the time I came to, the area was filled with some variety of smoke… and then it was gone just as quickly. I'm afraid I haven't the faintest idea of how we got to this point."

"Buh huh… That sounds about right, really. I thought I was done for and then suddenly everything was fine. I feel like I skipped a few pages, y'know?"

Looking around the room, Grodus was only met with shrugs and a few shakes of the head.

"Hmm. How very odd. Surely somebody around here must know something. …Speaking of which, I do wonder how the rest of the inn residents are faring. Crump! Come with me. Kip, you are to stay here and keep an eye on Peanut. Allow him to rest for a moment more and make certain that he's properly regained his sense of balance before he attempts to stand and walk about on his own. Xaido, Johnson, knock on the doors of the other rooms and confirm the status of the other guests. Inquire as to what they heard or saw last night."

"Roger that!"

With that, Grodus, Crump, Xaido, and Johnson exited out into the hallway. Xaido and Johnson both picked two different doors to knock on. Meanwhile, Grodus and Crump headed down the stairs towards the front desk.

As they rounded the corner, somebody let out a cry.

The Toad innkeeper from the day before stared at them, eyes as wide as saucers. "Who… who ARE you!? What are you, why were you upstairs!? Thieves? Are you thieves!?"

"What are you talking about? Of course we aren't. What brought about this accusation?"

"Well, what else are you here for!? That's why you're wearing those crazy masks, isn't it! All guests go through me, so I know for sure you aren't here for that! Unless…" she gasped. "Did… did you stowaway overnight? Oooooooooh, that's no good either! You have to pay for a room, you know! How rotten! How crooked of you!" She stomped her feet and waved her arms around, focusing in on Grodus.

"Look lady, are you crazy? Did your brain fall out the back of your head while you were out digging in that pretty little garden of yours? Or are you just trying to pick a fight!?" Crump put himself between her and his boss. "You got some explaining to do first! What the heck was up with all that gas!?"

"Gas? What are you even saying? …Wait, no, you're just trying to confuse me, aren't you! Naughty! Bad, bad, so very bad!" She grabbed a broom from the wall behind her and held it up above her head. "Don't make me whack you, you ruffians! You… you won't like it, you know! I can whack pretty hard when I want to!"

"Calm yourself. Honestly, now… how could you not remember us? We came through here last night. Recall, we had a family room. One queen and four singles. Do you perhaps suffer from some form of mental illness? …Wait, it's not unheard of for asphyxiation to cause memory loss. What do you recall from yesterday? Anything?"

"Of course I remember everything! Now tell me what you were doing upstairs! Out with it, out with it, out with it right now!"

Resigning himself to the situation, Grodus pulled out a bag of coins from his pocket. "Yes, yes, you are correct. We snuck in through the window and stowed away in one of the rooms. Just… take this and quiet yourself." He thrust the value of the room towards her. "Now that we've paid, we will be on our way. We have some luggage and companions upstairs to collect, so we will linger here for just long enough to gather them. …Good day to you."

Though she accepted the money, she continued to hold her broom at the ready. "Just hurry up and get out…"

"We shall."

Grodus and Crump made their way back upstairs and began to rally the others. Though confused over the abrupt departure, they followed along.

"Did you really have to just hand that nutty chick that money? We legit already paid. We're the ones getting robbed here!" Crump still wanted to argue with her. He couldn't stop steaming over it. Seriously, who does that dumb broad think she is!?

"There's no point. I'm under the impression she truly doesn't remember anything, regardless of what it is that she's telling us. We ought to gather our things and get out of here before we draw any further trouble. If the townspeople show up and it's our word against hers, you already should know who they're more likely to believe."

Johnson, hearing this conversation, stopped in his tracks. "Whoa, really? Xaido 'n I bothered a whole bunch of people and they all acted like we'd lost our goddamn minds when we started asking about the gas. This one guy was totally ready to smack me upside the head with a wine bottle. I guess he thought I was there to scam him."

"They certainly weren't very cooperative. One poor Yoshi lady thought I was threatening to gas her and her young child… I closed the door and didn't ask about much further than that."

"And none were showing any obvious physical symptoms?"

"None at all, sir. They all seemed quite healthy."

"Memory loss from asphyxiation appears unlikely. Are we truly the only ones who remember anything? This is getting stranger and stranger."

"Yeah, man, this is giving me some serious heebie-jeebies. Can we just get what we came for and get out? Forget being tired out from the long trail and all that, I'll do whatever it takes to get out of here today. Let's just do the thing and then sleep in a bush if we gotta. I don't care anymore." Crump had no desire to experience that nasty choking feeling ever again.

"I'm inclined to agree. That was one of the most deeply unpleasant experiences I've had in my life thus far. …Let's go as quickly as we can, men. Our next destination is the cave directly outside town."

Following Grodus's lead, they began to march.

Crunch.

"Crud, AGAIN!?" Crump stumbled forward and barely caught his balance. Looking down, he could see his left foot submerged in the brittle ground up to his ankle. Complaining under his breath, he pulled it out and checked for any further cracks that might send him tumbling. …There were plenty.

Kip up ahead hadn't been so lucky. "CRAP!" he exclaimed as he fell forward and collided with the rocky floor. His right leg remained firmly planted underground.

The terrain here was super wonky, just like everything else about the area. Though it looked like they were walking on solid rock, it kept giving out underneath their feet. Someone would inevitably have a leg or a foot sink down under the surface every few steps they took. Just getting anywhere was a struggle.

Xaido was the next to go for a plunge, though he at least managed to catch himself on his hands. "I'm fine! I'm fine, I say!"

Johnson, having gotten sick of it all, had gotten down on all fours and was slowly creeping forward. Oddly, it seemed to be working out for him. Each time he'd place a hand or a foot over a suspicious spot, he'd give it a quick test and then crawl around anything that gave way under pressure. Looking at him gave Crump a weird visceral feeling though, so he wasn't quite ready to try it himself. Johnson was moving a little too similar to a crab for comfort. It was seriously gross.

Meanwhile, Grodus was forging ahead of the crowd, as stoic as ever.

"Hey, Grodus! Slow down, would you? Some of us have shorter legs!" Crump called out. As much as he wanted to catch up, he really didn't think he could without breaking a bone somewhere along the line.

Grodus turned back to look at him. As he moved, his right foot sank under.

"ACK!"

Though he desperately waved his arms about in an attempt to catch his balance, his effort was for naught. His leg sank down further and he fell firmly on his butt.

"That's what we're trying to avoid, yeah! You okay over there?"

Grodus looked mortified. "I'm fine! Of course I'm fine, this is nothing!" He immediately attempted to stand, only for his left foot to sink under next. Back onto his butt he went.

Except it didn't stop there. Next, his rear end sunk underneath. He slid down into the hole, nothing visible except for his arms, legs, and upper torso. He clutched his scepter for dear life and went stiff as a board as he clung to the edges. "AH! Crump, I'm not fine! This is absolutely not fine at all! Do something, I beg of you!"

"DUDE! Crud, just hold on, I'm coming over there! I'll get you up when I can!" Crump began to run on over, only to trip and end up uselessly sprawled out on the earth. He was going nowhere fast.

The remaining rock underneath Grodus's fingers crumbled away within his grip. With his last support gone, his head dipped under the hole.

"CRUUUUUUUUUMP!"

"GRODUS! ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?" Crump, giving up entirely on using his legs as intended, began to crawl over at the quickest pace he could manage.

"GGGGGGHHHAAAAAAAH!"

Then, Crump heard nothing. He peered over the edge, careful not to get too close.

"Crud, crud, crud… uh… hey, Grooooooduuuuuuuus? You alive down there!?"

The hole offered no response.