A Floating Life
Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to SM.
A/N-well the last two chapters have definitely proven divisive that's for sure. For those who have chosen to stick with the story here is the next chapter. :)
Space and Reflection
Chalotte bounced in her high chair like she was dancing to music only she could hear. Her head and arms went up and down while her face was a picture of concentration. The flavors in her mouth seemed to be causing her so much pleasure she couldn't be still, but at the same time dinner was clearly a serious business. Bella had been introducing new food groups daily to encourage her to broaden her diet. Charlotte seemed to like most things – though broccoli was a definite no. As soon she popped the cruciferous vegetable in Charlotte's mouth, her face became dismayed and with diminutive hands she'd clasp the bowl, banging and pushing it away in disgust. Dessert was her favorite of course, especially the blueberry muffins that Emily sent over for her to try. She would cram the muffin into her mouth with both hands, wearing a blissful expression as she chewed. When she swallowed and found it was all gone, she would whine until she got some more, pulling the same blissful expression of delight all over again when she got her way.
After the meal was finished Bella would lift her out of the highchair, and Charlotte would plant sticky kisses on her mother's face, before resting her hand on Bella's cheek, projecting an image of her favorite book…which was currently "The Little Engine that Could" by Watty Piper. As Bella read to her, Charlotte would point at each page, she would point to the colorful pictures, memorizing the page numbers, then recounting them back to Bella by pressing her hand to her cheek. In this way she began to learn to count, to read, finally leading her to speak for the first time.
"Momma…I think I can…I think I can…. I think I can." Charlotte trilled in a bell like tone, imitating the famous line of the little blue engine as she makes her way over the mountain.
Bella had tears in her eyes when she heard the remarkable little girl's voice for the first time. It made her heart lift with joy, but mixed in with that was a little trepidation. Even though Charlotte was still quite tiny, her advanced abilities were causing mixed emotions. In size she looked about a year old, although she was already walking, having taken her first steps a few days after Bella officially moved into the Clearwaters.
Bella had been nervous at first, worried that Sue might feel uncomfortable with having her in the house. Leah hadn't even bothered to inform her mother that she and Charlotte would be staying for a while. But much to her relief, Sue took everything in her stride. She took Bella and Charlotte under her wing, acting like the mother Bella never had. She offered expert, practical advice, kept an eye on Charlotte's extraordinary growth spurt, measuring her progress, and jotting the results down in a notebook to keep a record of the daily changes.
Seth and Leah were often in and out of the house. Between patrols, they would return home, often keeping Bella and Charlotte company, with Seth taking on the role of playful big brother. He was so patient with Charlotte, willing to entertain the excitable little girl for hours. His antics made Bella laugh, even managing to raise a sardonic smile on his sister's face. Leah would mock him for being an idiot, but Bella knew that Leah got as much pleasure as she did at watching them play, and hearing Charlotte's delighted giggles as Seth acted out scenes from her favorite book, reciting some of the lines, which Charlotte would then repeat back to him.
Charlie often joined them during the evenings and at weekends. Like everyone else he was utterly charmed with his granddaughter. He had stuck with his mantra of 'need to know' and never once questioned Charlotte's fast growth spurt or her advanced capabilities. He just accepted her as she was. Of a weekend, he would sit in the Clearwaters front room with Sue. Charlotte would be perched on his lap while he watched his favorite baseball team-The Mariners- lose yet another game. He had even bought Charlotte a little blue baseball cap with their name scrawled across it, which fitted snugly to her head. Charlotte would watch all of Charlie's facial expressions, mimicking them exactly, so when his face fell when the team lost a point, hers did too. If he smiled and yelled a triumphant 'yes' when The Mariners took the lead, Charlotte did the same. Her little fist would pump the air just like his, while she bounced up and down excitedly on his lap.
Even though Bella's days were busy, preoccupied as she was with caring for Charlotte, while also enjoying the time she spent in the company of the Clearwaters and Charlie, the glaring absence of Jacob's warm presence stopped her feeling truly happy and relaxed.
She had been living on the reservation for over a month and she hadn't seen him once in all that time. The usual big, fat lump in her throat, and the stinging tears in her eyes greeted her every morning when she woke, knowing she would have to spend another day without him. She did her best to mask her unhappiness in front of the others, but she knew from the subtle looks they would give her on occasion, that she was not fooling anyone.
Charlotte, being the intuitive little girl she was, would often reflect Bella's unhappiness back at her. She would touch Bella's cheek gently while she was in repose, showing the reverse mirror image of her own face, her features settled in an unhappy frown as she secretly fretted over Jacob during quiet moments. Then the image of her face would blur, to be replaced with an old memory of Jacob's – smiling and laughing.
"Oh, my smart little girl, you miss him too?"
Charlotte would nod, her hand dropping limply to her side, as she hid her face against Bella's shoulder. Bella would stroke her daughter's abundant red curls, wishing she knew how to break the deadlock with Jacob. He had asked for space, and she wanted to respect that, but as more days passed without any sort of communication, the stress of it all began to take its toll.
"Hey, Seth." Bella greeted him dully one morning as she passed him in the hallway. He had just come back from patrolling with Leah. It was the siblings turn to cover the night shift. Even though he hadn't slept for hours he was still brimming with energy.
"Hey, Bella." Seth answered, ducking his head slightly as he studied her wan complexion. "You don't look so good. Didn't you sleep well?"
"I slept fine." Bella tried to muster up a smile. "I think I might be coming down with a cold."
"Are you sure that's all it is?" Seth asked in concern.
"Yeah, I'm sure." Bella assured him, still wearing the fake smile. "I'm just on my way to the kitchen to make Charlotte some breakfast."
"Oh, Lee's already beat you to it." Seth revealed.
Now that she really listened, she could hear the faint sounds of Charlotte's high-pitched giggles and the low tones of Leah's voice remonstrating with her to behave.
"She didn't need to do that." Bella combed her fingers through her tangled hair, trying to put it into some sort of order. She hadn't realized she had overslept. "She's been out all night on patrol like you. She must be tired."
"Lee's fine." Seth said dismissively. "We thought you could do with a lie in. You've been looking a bit peaky the last few days."
"Like I said, its just a cold." Bella said again unconvincingly.
"Sure, sure." Seth said, unconsciously echoing Jacob's favorite catchphrase.
Hearing the familiar refrain spill from the young shifter's lips made Bella's heart ache. She felt the familiar choking feeling in her throat. She was so desperate for reassurance, wanting so much to ask Seth about Jacob, but not having the courage to follow through in case he said something she didn't want to hear.
Seth didn't need to be psychic to know what was going through Bella's mind. It was plainly obvious by the anguish reflected in her chocolate brown eyes. Privately he was annoyed with Jacob for carrying on this enforced silence for such a long time, even if he did empathize with the reasons why.
Bella gulped a few times, trying to compose herself, but then the words spilled out before she could stop them. "How is he, Seth?"
Seth sighed. He knew this was coming. "Same as ever. He doesn't talk much. He's trying not to think too much, you know. Just going on his instincts. He's out patrolling at all hours of the day and night, even when he's not scheduled to do so."
Bella felt the lump in her throat threaten to cut off her oxygen. She hated the thought of Jacob out there punishing himself, pushing himself so hard just so he could keep his busy mind quiet.
"Any hint that he might…"
"He's not given me any indication that he's coming over to visit anytime soon, Bella. Sorry."
Bella swallowed thickly, fighting back tears. "S'okay, Seth. I knew before I asked. I just can't help wishing."
"If it makes you feel any better, I've told him I think he's an idiot."
"Oh, Seth." Bella put her hand on his arm, smiling wanly. "You shouldn't do that. Jake has every right to be angry with me. As well as the pack."
"I admit they're not your hugest fans at the moment." Seth admitted with difficulty. "Kind of lame, I think. Jake made his choices, you made yours. Jake doesn't like their attitude about it, though his attitude isn't much better. He just feels so hurt and betrayed. I think nearly losing you for a third time has really messed with his head, Bella."
"Losing me for a third time?" Bella echoed faintly.
"Yeah, you know: the first time when you abandoned him and took off for Italy when he begged you to stay, then choosing to marry Edward and leaving him behind, then when you nearly got yourself killed by Rosalie." Seth paused when he saw pain cross Bella's face. He wondered whether to continue, but thought it might do her good to know what was going through Jacob's head. "Its not just that though that's keeping him away."
"What do you mean?" Bella whispered.
"He blames himself for you nearly dying."
"But why?" Bella's voice rose higher in confusion. "I was the one who put myself in danger when I spoke to Rosalie. I just didn't think things through when I spoke to her. I should have been more cautious."
Seth sighed again. "I shouldn't really be telling you this but he blames himself for leaving you alone in the house while Rosalie was there. If he hadn't left for a minute, she would never have had the opportunity to attack you like she did. The guilt is eating away at him and he's having trouble reconciling with it."
"Oh, God, he can't be with me twenty-four seven. No one could have predicted Rosalie's reaction. I certainly didn't." Bella grimaced. "Though in hindsight I should have seen it coming. All the signs were there, I just didn't see them."
"In my opinion I think you should forget this whole giving him space thing and just go talk to him." Seth urged her. "The longer you both spend wallowing about what could have been, the worse it gets. In fact, I think it's moronic at this point. The past is the past, it can't be changed. You both miss each other heaps, so go do something about it."
"Jake misses me?"
Seth rolled his eyes, looking suddenly very much like his older sister for a minute. "Duh!"
Bella smiled up at him ruefully. "Thanks for the pep talk, Seth."
"You're welcome." Seth said, his voice cracking up an octave as he yawned. "I'm going to crash. See you later, Bella."
"Night, Seth. Or good morning."
Seth grinned, patting Bella's shoulder in solidarity as he made his way back down the hall to crash on the couch in the front room.
Bella continued onwards to the kitchen, which like most houses on the res, was like the heart of the home. It was large, square, with the tantalizing aroma of freshly baked bread in the air.
"Momma!" Charlotte cried as soon as she spotted Bella. She began to wriggle impatiently in Leah's arms.
"Patience, little one." Leah said half in amusement, half in frustration. She expertly wiped a bit of sauce off Charlotte's chin before handing her over to Bella.
"Thanks for feeding her breakfast, Leah." Bella smiled gratefully at Leah as she adjusted Charlotte against her hip.
"It was no problem." Leah shrugged nonchalantly. "I thought you could use the lie-in. You've been looking a bit – "
"Peaky these last few days?" Bella finished for her. "Yes, I know. Seth already told me. Don't worry I'm fine. It's just a cold. I've had a lot on my mind these last few days."
"Go talk to him, Swan." Leah urged, obviously having overheard the entire conversation with Seth. "My pesky little brother usually isn't right about a lot of things, but he is about this."
Bella laughed drolly. "Seth is more perceptive than you give him credit for."
"Sure…when he makes the effort to use his miniscule brain." Leah jeered.
"I heard that!" Seth called out from his position on the couch in the front room.
"You were meant to!" Leah called back.
Bella was endlessly amused by their sibling banter. They argued often, but clearly loved each other and shared a strong bond. It saddened Bella, watching them together brought home to her just how much she had missed out on by being an only child.
"Well, I'm off to bed." Leah yawned dramatically, stretching her arms above her head to emphasis how tired she was.
Charlotte copied her, faking a yawn and stretching.
"Hey, copycat!" Leah teased the little girl, tickling her under the chin.
"Hey, copycat!" Charlotte repeated back to her in a singsong voice.
Leah laughed quietly. "That's her new thing, Swan." She warned. "She copies everything you say back to you. It can get damn annoying after a while. You might want to put a stop to that."
"Noted." Bella laughed. "Have a good sleep, Leah. And…. thanks again."
Leah just shrugged again, stifling another yawn. She shot Charlotte a mock glare when she imitated her once again to perfection. "I saw that, kid."
"I saw that – "Charlotte began before Bella put a hand over her mouth.
Leah snickered as a muffled sound of protest came from underneath Bella's palm from Charlotte. "Ha…. got ya!" She smirked as she ruffled Charlotte's hair affectionately, before finally heading off to bed.
A/N-thanks for reading!