A/N - Hi! I must sincerely apologize... my angst monster is still alive and well and ITCHING to tell a new tale! And since I have some time to kill while my awesome beta/co-author SapplingOfAStar is busy with important LIFE stuff this week, well... we took a few minutes and hashed out this little nugget for you.
FYI .. We have TWO new chapters of Hold Onto 16 nearly ready for publishing so those should be out very soon...
Meanwhile, this new story I HOPE will be done pretty darn quick. I have about 8-10 chapters laid out to cover the whole enchilada. And though Sappling was a great sounding board to help flesh out the plot points (and fight with me over grammar and other stuffs), this story is mostly unbeta'd. I should mention too - it'll be canon until it's not. Some of the canon bits in this chapter have either been tweaked or timelines modified for the purpose of the story.
Chapter 1 :: Endgame
A race is on, I'm on your side
And here in you, my engines die
I'm in a mood for you... Or running away
Stars come down in you
And love, love, love... You can't give it away
"I don't care where you're living or what dope you're shacked up with... you're my girlfriend. We are endgame. I know that, and you that."
Rachel listened intently to his bold and impassioned speech while a flood of emotions coursed through her. Outwardly she put on a cool, collected appearance (after all, she was an incredible actress), but inwardly a growing storm of want and desire was overtaking her, making her a swooning mess. Her yearning to be with him grew exponentially every moment they were together.
But that was always just the way it was between them. The charged particles in the air around them always sparked and sizzled like helpless bacon in a fire-hot skillet... and that night was no exception.
It wasn't the alcohol she'd been sipping all evening, or the fact that it was Valentine's Day or even the romantic atmosphere of a (failed) wedding reception working her into a frenzy... it was just Finn. HER Finn, the boy she has loved completely and unconditionally for what's felt like a lifetime now. Seeing him bloom into this confident, take-charge incredible man right before her very eyes took her breath away with every syllable that slipped from his beautiful lips. Lips she'd missed so much in the past eight months... lips that when she closed her eyes, she could still feel pressing tenderly against her skin setting it ablaze.
. . . . .
. 🎵 Turn out the light, Come take my hand now
. 🎵 We've got tonight babe, Why don't we stay?
It might not have been the smartest thing to do, considering their current state of, well, living in separate states – but she didn't care. And the 'guy she lives with' back in New York isn't Finn and wants a 'modern, open relationship' without labels.
So she wouldn't regret her night spent with Finn.
In some ways, she regarded her feelings for Brody and Finn as parallel to how Finn likely felt about her and Quinn in the beginning; she cares for Brody, but when push comes to shove, he'd never stand a chance (at least she hopes that's how he felt).
Sitting on the edge of the bed in his hotel room, she fetched her cell phone from her purse and surveyed the room to be sure she hadn't forgotten anything. Once the phone was powered on, she found three texts and a missed call, all from Brody.
She sighed quietly and looked over her shoulder once more to the tall, beautiful man still soundly slumbering under the sheets. He truly was a deep sleeper, a trait she'd once admonished but now considered such an endearing and positively 'Finn' quality. As she smoothed the hem of her dress in her lap, she heard him sigh and whimper something that vaguely sounded like her name in his sleep. She gazed at him and smiled. Closing her eyes a moment she was still able to feel the sublime sensation of him sliding in and out of her, bringing her to the highest peaks and letting her free-fall into his abyss, only for him to catch her before she hit bottom and do it all over again. Quivering under his delicate touch, she'd surrendered to him over and over and wished more than anything that the night could've been eternal.
He was a master at his craft, the fine art of playing her body like an instrument. He was a Donatello to her unshapen lump of clay, sculpting her with patience, precision, and love. He molded her at his will and she reveled in every last moment. She chalked it up to their history of learning together; she knew no one on earth would ever know her body the same way Finn does.
A sudden sickening feeling of falling washed over her. These past few days with Finn had brought her back to a place that had been her whole universe for three-plus years. And that place wasn't Lima. It was that spot reserved in Finn's heart for only her; it was her home. So she knew the memory of this evening was going to have to sustain her awhile, at least until the day it would reemerge as her present and future. The idea of leaving her home, her Finn, was painful; it was hard to walk away... Again.
But walk away she must. She had things to do in New York and he still had things to do in Lima. Hopefully, one day he'd finally catch up to her and join her in NYC, despite all the past hurts he'd caused her and she'd caused him, it was still their story, their journey to their future, their forever; mistakes they'd made together and learned from. And they were still learning, even now.
The past year had been an emotional roller coaster for Rachel, and in that length of time, she's had plenty of time to think, to reflect. It took a long time before she realized, it wasn't easy for him to put her on that train last summer or for her to accept the fact that he'd done it out of love, but in the end, it had been right. She knew that now, just like she knew all their promises for sharing a future together would someday finally come to fruition; she was just as sure of that as she was of him.
A single light snore from the still form under the covers caught her attention and she stifled a giggle. She stood watching him for a few moments more, taking the time to appreciate his boyish features that always looked so peaceful in his sleep. Committing this moment to memory, she leaned over the bed whispering "endgame. . . I love you, Finn, always" before pressing a soft kiss into the hair behind his ear and then quietly disappearing out of the room. Vanishing from Lima like a ghost.
It was just easier to leave him like that, without a word, because the word she would have had to use hurt too much. She never wanted to say goodbye to him, not before and still not now. (But like that song from sophomore year sectionals said, you can't always get what you want... although, she's still working on the other half of that proverb; maybe someday she'll get what she needs.)
Forty-five minutes later, her luggage was loaded in the taxi, the ticket for her return flight clutched tightly in one hand, cell phone in the other. She tried to call Brody but it went straight to voicemail. She let her mind wander for a beat, thinking about all the warnings Santana had been giving her about him. So he had a pager and a lot of cash, that was nothing to be concerned about, right? He got big tips as a cater waiter. 'No, he's probably just got another catering job for today. Maybe that's why he was trying to call, to tell me about it,' she thought.
The next thought that crossed her mind was why she bothered caring about Brody's whereabouts at all. That thought stayed with her all the way to the airport.
Her return flight had been spent remembering every detail of her previous night with Finn and reflecting on all things THEM in general. Singing with him again was like breathing properly for the first time in nearly a year; effortless, easy, and so right. The entire night was a dream, really. He was chivalrous as always, but also, something had changed in him.
The whole kissing Miss Pillsbury (sadly not yet Mrs Schue) thing aside (and exactly what the hell was that about anyway?), he seemed more confident around her last night than he'd ever been. Less tentative, filled with purpose and determination. The gleam was back in his eye, the one she'd seen in him so many times in the past when they performed in glee competitions or after a winning football game. It had faded over the last year or more, but now finally, that sparkle is back again and it's a glorious thing to behold. He has a purpose and she's thrilled for him.
He'd once called her his muse (well, in his roundabout adorable Finn way, but only to see her smile) not long ago and she had many times wondered how true that still was. The past year without her at his side, however, seemed now to be pushing him to become the man she always knew he was destined to be, and it was seriously sexy and a complete turn-on.
Perhaps she was his moose after all.
That whole endgame speech of his was pretty epic, too. For a boy who'd always managed to let words evade him nearly the entirety of their relationship, he was certainly finding them now in spades and bending them to his will – bending HER to his will in the process.
This was her Finn though – always full of surprises. She'd hated going through with their last breakup – well, she hated ALL of their breakups, but especially this last one because it was HER breaking her promise to never break up with him at all (and Rachel Berry does NOT break promises – least of all to Finn). But she'd meant every word she'd said to him in their personal Jerusalem. Thinking about it now, it was sort of her endgame speech to him, wasn't it? She sincerely did want him to be her last... and thinking over this last time spent with him, seeing a renewed hunger in him for the future – their future, she was more confident than ever that he would be. One day.
Four hours later she was back in Bushwick. As she entered her loft with thoughts on when and how the universe would finally reveal her rightful future with Finn still swirling in her head, she was surprised to see a romantic spread set up. Rose petals strewn everywhere, balloons and decorations and candlelight...
Shit. Brody.
Why was she even still wasting her time with this guy? She'd originally wanted nothing to do with ANYONE other than Finn from the time of their last reconciliation (and really, from that first kiss on a stage floor picnic).
A year ago at this time, her breathtakingly handsome fiancè was sending her vocal Valentines from the God Squad as they serenaded her with a song about how in-tune his stereo heart was with hers, and how it beats only for her... then later on, planning to stay the night at her house – in her bed – with her daddies permission (of course, he'd kind of chickened out at the last minute and who could honestly blame him under the circumstances, but they'd at least gotten some quality kissing and cuddling time in before then). The winds of change are sometimes fierce and the differences a year later are profound... and all she wants to do is turn back the clock.
How did she end up allowing the first guy she met in New York – or anyone who is NOT Finn – get this far into her life, and so soon at that? Finn had set her free, only just because he wanted to ensure her Broadway dreams would come true. He sacrificed his own happiness to put her first. That was LOVE. That was respect. That was everything a MAN does for the woman he worships, and right now she was repaying the deep love and loyalty by what, by coming home to another man? A man who on his best day wasn't a THIRD the man Finn Hudson was.
What kind of horrible person was she?
Based on his words and actions last night, she's the kind who clearly can't lie to Finn, even if she's been trying her best to convince herself that she'd matured and moved on – because truthfully, even in the face of all that love and devotion, his 'setting you free' approach had been less than tactful, and he HAD hurt her, deeply. She knows it wasn't his intention to inflict pain by sending her away, but she still doesn't understand all those months of no communication. A whole summer passed before NYADA classes started she spent desperately trying to reach out to him and getting silence in return. Maybe Brody was sort of a way to quell the loneliness but also a little stab of payback for that hurt he'd caused... but none of that equates to her not loving him. And she knows that. Likewise, none of it should mean she should have moved on like she did – especially since she had to drag her own heart against its will.
So for the last eight months or so, she's played the game and told him and everyone she was moving on, just like he'd said he wanted her to. But Finn could see it all over her; she was still his and she always would be. And she knows he's right; they are endgame and always have been – although, for years it was HER convincing him. It's sort of refreshing now for the tables to be turned.
Shaking off her Finn haze, she refocused her attention on the man before her now with the bright smile, chiseled abs, and sexy bedroom eyes. The man who was presently leering at her like a juicy steak. She decided the future wasn't here just yet, and although Brody was never going to be Finn, he was better than the cold loneliness New York otherwise offered while she awaited her real destiny. Finn had told her she needed to have these experiences without him... maybe he was right.
She greeted him with a smile and a sweet kiss, thanking him for the surprise welcome home. She was a little surprised at his response though.
"Did you kiss somebody else when you were away? You're kissing differently."
"What if I did? I thought we were in a modern and open relationship."
"Yeah, we are. But, I mean, the key is that we are honest with each other with everything that we do. So, did you see Finn?"
"Finn's fine. He lives in Ohio. And I live here with you. Cool?"
"Like a cucumber. Thank you for being honest with me."
Maybe she believed him. Or maybe she was simply indifferent.
"Finnessa, about time you picked up your damn phone! This is the third time I've called."
"Yeah, in the last five minutes. So like, HEY San, how are you, San? So sorry I'm not living up to your standards of bowing down and kissing your ass. But hey, tell me what can I do for YOU today?"
He heard a scoff and then a few of what he was sure were expletives in Spanish before she breathed out, "Not for me. Listen Lurch, I need you to grab your overnight bag, jump into your blue hillbilly wagon and Flinstone your lumbering, unnaturally giant self to the airport in Columbus. A ticket is waiting for you at the US Airlines window for the next flight to New York. Your particular brand of expertise is required here. Call me when you're wheels on the ground, I'll be waiting. We need to talk, and ASAP."
"What the hell Santana, are you nuts?! I can't just drop everyth– wait... You said not for you. San, what's going on?"
"She needs us, Finn. Flirty Kurty is off in France doing whatever gay guys do in 'gay Par-ie' for his internship, which leaves me here to deal with this mess alone, and I honestly need some backup for this one. She's in trouble, okay? Just trust me, you want to be here right now."
Before she'd said the word 'trust' he was already throwing his deodorant, clean boxers, and a change of clothes into a travel duffle. He could discern from her tone, she wasn't fucking around with him. Whatever was going on was serious, and involved Rachel. That's all he needed to know for now.
"What time's my flight?"
. . . . .
"Good evening, Vicky... Santana? How did you..." The stunned look of terror in Brody's eyes was almost comically gratifying. Santana loved a lot of things in life, but mostly she loved being proven right.
And also, calling out lying conniving donkey-faced assholes.
"I told you. This is what I do."
She only smirked at him as he pleaded. "You can't tell Rachel... Please, I'm not proud of this."
Was he being serious right now? Clearly he didn't know that girl at all, or Santana for that matter if he honestly believed she'd let him get away with this absurd ruse of his any longer.
"Save it. I think there's someone more important that you should convince tonight."
When all six foot three inches of Finn Hudson emerged quietly from the bathroom door behind Brody, she watched the shorter man's face drain of color. For all her fancy throw-down speeches of going all Lima Heights on people, she was pretty sure Finn Hudson was about to put her streetwise brawler abilities to shame.
With a satisfied grin and an airy voice, she announced "Okay! Well, I am going to leave you two alone for a little girl talk. Have fun!"
Santana was very pleased with herself in that moment, finding total satisfaction in the knowledge that one way or another, her loft would be plastic-man-free by the end of the night. Finn was an excellent weapon of mass destruction; once she'd explained the reality of Brody's man-whoring sleazy male prostitute ways (oh, and the fact that he'd been LYING to Rachel about it all this time) that was all it took. She was the cheese to Finn's rat trap, and tonight the vermin would be eradicated.
She winked at Finn on her way out of the hotel room, giving his arm a light squeeze as she brushed past and headed out to wait for him to join her for dinner in the restaurant downstairs. He'd deserve a nice big T-bone meal after this.
. . . . .
Finn stepped out of the bathroom door and appeared ominously behind Brody. His hulking frame loomed large over the NYADA junior, who quickly fast-footed himself to the furthest point across the room and just stood staring, apparently dumbstruck at finding himself trapped like this.
Brody looked a little like a caged animal – and after dealing with a rabid raccoon one summer back home in Lima, Finn knew a little bit about those dangers. But what the hell did this guy expect? He works in a line of business in which danger goes with the territory, right? It was kind of a miracle that a jealous, wealthy husband didn't already like, hire a hitman to take him out or something.
As he continued sizing up this little punk, he felt Santana's gentle squeeze on his arm then heard the door click closed behind him. Alone at last.
What the fuck did Rachel actually see in this douchebag? Okay, so he's got muscles and like, no body fat, and he guessed he was what you'd call a good-looking guy. And sure, he can probably sing and dance pretty well, but hey, so could Jesse St Jackass and – oh yeah – look at where HE is now. Finn had weathered that little storm on the way to his happily ever after with Rachel; he'd weather this one too.
Finn could see the twitching in the shorter man's jaw, a tensing in his shoulder muscles, and a vein in his neck was visibly pulsing. He knew that had to be a sign of adrenaline pumping. Dude was nervous now and his fight or flight mechanism was kicking in – good. He should be nervous. Fucking lying pervert. Never mind the lies and sneaking around and betraying her trust, but being out there, night after night, possibly contracting some disgusting disease that could hurt Rachel – HIS Rachel...
Christ, he didn't even wanna think about WHY this dude's behavior was so dangerous to her. Just the implication of HOW she'd be at risk made him sick to his stomach. Nobody else was ever supposed to know those parts of Rachel in the first place, but here he stood now, in a mess of his own making. All thanks to his own bone-headed plan of setting her free, telling her to go have her own experiences without him... Yeah, real stroke of genius there, Hudson. So yeah, he helped make this mess, he guessed he might as well be the guy to clean it up.
"Listen, I can explain this–"
Oh. the little man speaks first... this oughta be interesting Finn thought to himself.
Finn's been doing his best to be more mature and more in control of his temper (mostly for Rachel's sake since she's so opposed to violence), but he knows the tell-tale signs within himself. He could feel his own heart beginning to race and just like all the times someone ever pissed him off in high school, he knew the familiar whoosh in his ears was a bad sign. His blood was hot – which totally didn't bode well for this fucker.
"Shut your mouth. After tonight, you're a ghost. You disappear from her life forever. No good-byes, nothing."
"I love her."
He what?! That's a laugh riot! He's only known her less than a year. And yeah, Finn knows firsthand how easy it is to be pulled into Rachel's magical orbit, how easy it is to fall in love with her. But whatever the fuck this guy thinks he feels, it cannot be LOVE.
Love implies mutual respect. Love implies you do whatever it takes to protect the object of your love. And this dickhead? He sure as fuck was NOT protecting her. No way does he respect her either if he can keep lying to her face and sleeping with god knows how many other people behind her back. That's not love.
"But she doesn't really even know who you are. . . Yet."
"You can't tell her."
Finn knew what the look of panic and desperation in the shorter man's face meant and he knew the snake was coiled. It was almost as if all his years of dealing with bullies and playing football had prepared him for this exact moment. He recognized when the strike was coming and he read the guy's body language with ease.
It seemed pretty clear to Finn that this jerk had NOT been so well prepared for situations like these in life. If he had, he would've made better choices for himself. Because when Brody finally had the balls to grab Finn's jacket, it was a bold declaration, essentially an act of war – and too bad for Brody, he didn't recognize that Finn was already a loaded gun.
Finn threw the first punch landing on the dude's left jaw bone. A lamp came flying his way in retaliation, which Finn easily ducked. (A lamp? Really? What the hell kind of pansy-ass move was that?)
While Finn ducked the lame-ass lamp toss, the douchebag rushed him, tackling him to the floor and into the mini-fridge. The guy managed to get a swing or two into his ribs and torso, but honestly, Finn was used to dealing with guys more than twice his size and strength on the football field. Finn recovered quickly and when he did, Brody found himself easily crashing through a table like a sack of wet cement.
After a few seconds more of Brody trying to put up some kind of struggle, he eventually found himself pinned to the floor under a pair of knees.
Rage flowed through Finn now, a pure white-hot blinding fury, the likes of which he hadn't felt since learning Karofsky had threatened his brother's life back in junior year.
As his fists pounded their final couple blows into the face of the now helpless man stapled to the floor beneath him, the whole scene was so primal that Finn felt the need to simply scream. He seethed and rancor coated his tongue as the only words that had been in his mind for the last five or six months finally made their way out of his mouth.
"Stay away from my future wife!"
Telling Rachel the truth about Brody was NOT the easy part.
Santana had wanted Finn to return to the loft with her and for him to tell her himself, but he'd insisted it would be a bad idea. He was opting for a silent, chivalrous act of altruism, not a big showy hero's welcome. A genuine sign that sad-sack Finnessa, the one-time popularity-seeking clueless jock, was truly growing up – and what a fine specimen of a man he was turning out to be.
San was so proud of him, and in that moment, she couldn't be more proud to call him a friend. She deeply regretted her past interference in his life and relationship with Rachel – especially the whole taking his virginity thing (and especially especially the whole outing the truth about his virginity thing) – particularly now that she considered him a brother; he was her family.
When Santana returned to their loft in Bushwick after dropping Finn at the airport, she found Rachel curled up with a book – something she usually only did when she was anxiously awaiting Brody's return from ... wherever the hell he'd disappear to (and lie about).
As the lithe Latina sat down in front of her tiny brunette friend laying out the facts of the day, Rachel went through the full gamut of (expected) diva-like dramatic reactions. She'd denied it, then screamed then accused and eventually cried as San caught her in her arms and held her there, but in the end, she'd also accepted it. Normally being the shoulder to cry on type wasn't her thing at all... but Santana didn't mind it, at least not this time.
After all, Rachel was her family too.
Funny Girl auditions. FUNNY GIRL! She couldn't believe her incredible luck! Her entire life was spent dreaming, wishing, hoping, training, preparing for THIS DAY, and here it was... she was going to audition for and BECOME her dream. Fanny Brice!
She'd never expected a revival to happen this soon, but the moment she learned about the open auditions, her worldview tilted. She walked, talked, ate, slept, showered, danced BECAME Fanny Brice. And not only did she wow them at the first-round auditions, she'd gotten a callback. A CALLBACK! She was on the (very) short list of a select few in the running for THE dream role of a lifetime. She still felt it was a long shot, but this was as close to achieving everything she'd ever dreamed of as she'd ever been (well, almost everything). She could taste it.
The one thing she was stumped for now though was the IDEAL callback audition piece. She knew she couldn't use Barbra... but what then?
Only one person on earth would truly understand the magnitude of her plight and this choice and what it all meant to her. So it was a no-brainer that she would turn to Finn. But before she did that and before taking Broadway by storm though, she felt like she had one loose end that needed tying up.
. . . . .
Strutting through the halls of NYADA later that day, Rachel knew exactly where she'd find him – in Cassandra July's dance studio of course.
"I was hoping that I could have dinner with you tonight," she started while clamping the $100 bill she'd been palming into his hand. Seeing the confused look on his face, she upped her sarcasm and sneered. "I'm sorry, is it not enough? I wasn't sure what the going rate was these days for male hookers."
He pleaded for understanding, citing a financial necessity as a college student, yadda yadda, but Rachel wasn't having any of it. Couldn't he have just ACTUALLY been a cater-waiter like any normal college kid?
She sort of snapped at that point. "I'm such an idiot! You told me that if we were honest with each other that anything was possible. Why did you lie to me?!"
"Why did you lie to me?"
He had the nerve to sound affronted and she was aghast with his accusation.
"When did I lie to you?"
"Who do you think did this to my face? Your ex-fiancé. He jumped out of a bathroom, went all Frankenstein on me."
For everything Santana had explained about setting up the phony hotel meeting as a means of entrapping the snake as he slithered through the grass, she seemed to have left out this one rather important detail, and Rachel was utterly flummoxed. "Finn came all the way here to do that?"
"Yeah. And who's the liar now? I know you still love him. And I know that you slept with him at that wedding."
She couldn't honestly fault him for noticing the one most authentic fact about her, something that no matter how good her acting skills would ever become, she'd never be able to fully hide.
He pressed on with his pleading for forgiveness, but surely by now he had to know this was a losing battle. "Look, I'm sorry that I lied about all that stuff, okay, but I meant everything that I ever said about how I feel about you."
Hearing him say that was sort of the last straw. How could he love her if all he ever did was lie – and about something SO huge, something that jeopardized her welfare? She decided she might as well put him out of his misery and lay all her cards on the table.
"You're right, I haven't been completely honest with you. I think that there was a part of me that was... using this," she motioned between the two of them. "Partly to make Finn jealous and, um, the other part to just... fill my own personal heartache."
His dejected look made her feel so small. Rachel found it a very odd feeling, being the one to break someone else's heart – even while her own wasn't yet fully reassembled (and it wouldn't be while her superglue was still in Ohio). She had cared for Brody on many levels, maybe as only little more than friendship. The depth of her feelings for Finn was an ocean, while for Brody, merely a puddle.
Like Finn, he'd been the first and only friend she'd made when she arrived at NYADA, making her feel warm and welcome; but unlike Finn, there was never that something special shared between them. And there never would be. Not with Brody or any other man. She was quite convinced of that fact now.
Even still, she didn't relish in the fact that she was hurting him – even if he HAD lied to her about something so monumental that could have endangered her health. He could have given her any number of STDs. (She made a mental note to get a screening at the free clinic on campus first thing tomorrow.)
"So, what, this is... it's just over?"
"Yeah, it feels like it is."
The broken look that flashed over his face sort of surprised her, but not as surprising as how it morphed into something else entirely. Something dark, something she'd never seen in a real-life confrontation before – well, except maybe the one time on Finn's face as he pummeled Noah Puckerman into the choir room floor during sophomore year.
Before he could respond any further, she'd decided to put some distance between them. Immediately. This was her school after all, and in no way did she want to continue to escalate the matter any further here. Fortunately, Ms July entered the studio just then demanding Brody's attention, providing Rachel an opportunity to leave.
Rachel decided to have lunch out on the quad under her favorite tree and took that moment to call Finn, hoping to catch him before he went to class. She was so proud of him for finally starting to get himself together and find his calling. He was going to make an excellent teacher, and she hoped she would have a chance to see him in action at some point.
Since she had the callback for Funny Girl in two days, finding the exact right audition piece was imperative – but it was also making her a nervous wreck not being able to find the perfect song. Naturally, as she'd always done when anything meaningful or life-altering was affecting her, she leaned on Finn. And like the reliable rock he's always been for her, he'd given her the BEST advice.
She had to giggle at the way he answered the phone when he picked up.
"You're probably still pissed about Brody, so I'll start by saying that I'm sorry and that my hand still hurts. His face has sharp edges."
"Okay, I'm-I'm not... I'm not mad, I... Actually, I think I owe you a debt of gratitude. Just, um... you know, I wish that you would've stayed and hung around a little longer."
She could hear him breathing evenly on the other end of the phone, and if she still knew him as well as she thought, he was wearing the slightest little smile as he spoke. "Next time, I promise." The image of the special grin he reserved just for her was crystal clear in her mind and made her wish so desperately that he was there with her in person.
"Finn, I, uh.. I actually just needed to, um.. to ask you something."
"Let me guess: Funny Girl auditions." He could always read her so well, in person or otherwise. Her heart skipped a beat realizing that of course, he wouldn't forget.
"I knew you'd remember. Finn, I can't believe that this moment is happening... and I know that this is a long shot, but I need to find the most perfect song to sing – a-and no Barbra."
His reply was quick and concise and made her heart leap into her throat. "You're one of the most unique talents in the world. You always shine your brightest when you do something personal, something intimately important that defines you. So just, do something that takes you back to the roots of your passion. That's what people want to see, and that's what makes the best impression. Make those producers fall in love with you in that moment on the stage. And I know you have it in you."
"Wow. Thank you, that was, uh... perfect advice."
"You'll be great. Can't wait to come to a show sometime. Call me as soon as it's over, okay?" She wanted nothing more than to wrap herself around him at that moment. She'll never understand how she was so fortunate to have someone like him in her life, but she knew she'd never take him for granted again.
"I will," she replied with a smile he couldn't see.
He was so proud of her, she heard it gushing in every syllable of his voice. She honestly thought if it were at all possible for a human to crawl through the phone lines, Finn would've done just that. In fact, she was wishing she could do the same. It made her heart swell to know just how much he believed in her, how much he'd always believed in her – not just her talent, but in HER.
She promised herself in that moment she'd make him proud and NOTHING would stop her... she had this callback in the bag and someday soon, her Finn would be sitting in the front row watching her do what he'd sent her here to do in the first place. And if lightning didn't strike this time, she would simply persevere til it did; she would make sure his sacrifice wasn't wasted.
Later that night, Rachel stayed after school to practice her recital piece that would be due soon and was worth one quarter of her grade in Cassie's class. Usually she was unphased by being there after dark, enjoying the quiet solitude of the dance space uninterrupted. Tonight though, she had an uneasy feeling she just couldn't shake. She'd always believed herself to be a little bit psychic – although right now she sort of hoped she was wrong.
Moving from the studio to the girls' change room, she was exhausted. All she had on her mind at the moment was getting home and soaking in a hot bath, then going over her callback piece for Funny Girl. She'd taken Finn's advice to heart and after some consideration, she knew the perfect song was going to be the one that kick-started her revised dreams, the one that helped send her here – Don't Stop Believin'.
Finn had set wheels in motion that day in Glee back in sophomore year, aiming for something bigger for the both of them, something special that ended up filling her heart as much as her mind. She always thought she needed fame to feel truly loved and appreciated. That was before Finn though. By the time they nailed that song together as a group, she knew she needed more... she needed him. With all her cherished memories and feelings in mind, she was determined to use all the love she felt for Finn to help push her over the finish line and claim the lead role of Fanny Brice as her prize. She would do it for him as much as for herself.
As she stripped out of her dance leotard, she considered calling Finn before going to sleep tonight for one last pep talk before the audition (since she knew she'd be putting herself on voice rest for the next twenty-four hours), but a noise alerted her that she wasn't alone in the room and pulled her out of her thoughts.
Startled, she turned around to find Brody leaning in the door frame, watching her. Leering. Brooding and silent. As she took in his expression, she noted that look on his face was back – different though, somehow; more resolved in a way, like he had a goal and nothing was going to stop him. Like he'd reached some kind of decision.
This time Rachel knew she wouldn't be able to leave so easily.
By the time she'd finally made it to a hot bath in her loft, she knew she couldn't call Finn. If he heard her voice now, he'd have to know everything she didn't want to say – couldn't say, couldn't process. It'd already taken all her reserved strength just to convince Santana not to say anything to anyone – especially not to Finn.
She also wouldn't be able to call him after her audition as promised... she couldn't call if she didn't go. At this moment she wasn't sure when she'd ever be able to call him again.
Once she heard his voice, she knew any attempt at a façade would come shattering down and she would spill everything there and then – this is assuming he didn't catch it in her tone and pry it all out of her first. Saying it out loud would make everything that happened to her real, even if she herself didn't yet believe it.
:::
Two Weeks Later...
Rachel stared at the little white plastic stick like it might grow legs and fangs and climb off the bathroom sink to bite her. The timer set on her phone counted down and she felt her stomach twist and fold onto itself. While waiting for the little words to appear in a minuscule window that would determine the rest of her life, she felt bile rising in her throat. She was unable to stop the contents of her stomach from suddenly emptying into the toilet.
Just as she flushed and closed the lid, the timer went off. She gasped when she saw the results.
"No, oh, no no... please god..."
:::
Sixteen months later...
Finn was on his way home after a long grueling day of school. All he wanted to do now was get home and hope he could still catch the Rangers in the playoffs. The Ohio Blue Jackets didn't make it (again) but he supposed at least that's one thing New York has going for it was decent major league sports teams. The train was somewhat crowded when he first got on, but he managed to find a seat in the far front of the car and leaned his head back to rest his tired eyes. Studying for that exam in English Lit had sucked big time and now that it was over he just needed to relax.
. . . . .
The weather was terrible this time of year. It was either too hot or too cold or too rainy and Rachel hated it. She made her way through the bustling subway station close to the medical building where her therapist was located. She's frankly getting tired of making the trek out here so many times a week, and right now she just wants to get back home. As if the universe were out to get her, she broke the heel of her favorite shoe thanks to a rude woman who'd shoved her on the way through the turnstile. Still, she made it onto the crowded train and managed to find a seat at the rear of the car.
. . . . .
After several stops, most of the passengers had gotten off. Rachel had been in her own world reading a new pamphlet the therapist gave her and Finn had his earbuds in and eyes closed. The backpack of the last passenger getting up to leave bumped into him on his way past, forcing his eyes open. He yawned and stretched and looked around and swore he felt his heart stop when she caught his eye.
He'd know that brunette hair anywhere.
He pulled his earbuds out and sat up straight, stunned stock still, and trying to decide if he should say something yet, but not knowing what to say at all. She had her head well buried in whatever she was reading and hadn't looked up yet.
Until she did. Then her expression was a mirror of his – total shock.
"Finn?"
"Uh... hi Rachel."
A/N2 - song credits:
'We've Got Tonite' - written by Bob Seger in 1978, and charted again in 1983 as a duet performed by Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton
'Stereo Hearts' by Gym Class Heroes, from the 2011 album The Papercut Chronicles II
Also, the story title is a borrowed line from a MAGNIFICENT Psychedelic Furs song, 'The Ghost In You' (which was nearly the title of the story!)... Go directly to my YouTube channel, find the She Don't Fade playlist and check it out if you haven't heard it!