After a long wander, I'm close to the smoke. It's only after a whole hour of walking along the footpath that I'm so done to tell that walking in these sandals - flip-flops? Yeah, not very comfortable for my ego.
I could smell an unpleasant odor coming from myself, but to my great shock, in my current state, I didn't feel fatigued.
I realize that I talk to myself a lot during this time. However, this is not a surprise to me, I have always over-analyzed situations instead of speaking directly.
Overthinking. That's what they always told me.
"That's right, I..." For a moment I pause and remind myself that this voice is not mine. I find it difficult to resist the urge to scratch my face.
Not mine.
Never mine.
To have it so powerful... There is no way that it could be mine.
"Haha, I could never be like that." The voice is calm in contrast to my thoughts.
The laughter coming from my throat is completely unnatural.
"Ha...ha...ha ha HA HA HAHAHA!"
I wait impatiently for the moment when that voice becomes mine when I wake up.
It doesn't occur.
I laugh because it's the only thing that brings me back from the frozen state. I'm alone, I want to laugh with my whole chest yet I know it will only serve to feed the dose of insanity I acquired in that void.
After all–
–alonesoalonemindmadnesscomingisolationhelpcanonlythinkcantbreath–
–I'm quite pathetic, aren't I?
I wanted to call myself insane but I knew that a person calling himself something like that is only self-deluded.
If not insane, what am I then?
...
What am I supposed to do?
Return.
I know my goal, the return to my family is still the most important thing to me. Madness or not, I don't care anymore. Not at this point. To question my existence is the worst thing I can do right now.
Like an untamed force, it pulls me out of my thinking. I don't even notice when I'm already in front of the gates. A city.
What. No wait, it's not a city. It's a—!
"—state your business!"
A man dressed in strange clothing speaks to me. A mixture of a dusty uniform and a robe. His accent is strange however I can't put my tongue around why.
I was too far entrenched to realize that he had spoken to me before, I must have already made a bad impression.
"You a deaf or something?" I took a step back, "A traveler or a trader?"
For a moment I forgot how to speak, god, how long has it been since I met another living soul?
"Traveler...?" I respond, not hiding my confusion. It's hard to focus on his words when I see the entrance to the village of all things in front of me.
I inhale sharply, "I'm trying to find my way home, sir. If you could help me out please." The first thing I was taught was politeness, "I'm not from these parts you see."
The man looks at me strangely, no longer as cautious. This, I can detect from his momentary pause and relaxing of his muscles, "Are you perhaps from the Main District? You have their tongue from the way you speak."
The Main District? A question for later I guess.
"I'm from Europe. Do you have any idea if there is a big city somewhere?"
"Europe?" The man frowns, "Why there?" I am not surprised that he is baffled. It's not the first better day you've seen someone who looks Asian suddenly say he's from another country, "You're lost really far away, the nearest port is very far away, and sailors rarely go east this season."
"I see," It's not the end of the world, "Do you have a phone then?" I can always just try and contact someone.
"A what?"
Huh.
We stare at each other puzzled, worying dread begins to enter me.
From further conversation with the man, I learn many new things.
Apparently, I am in a village called Mizukawa.
People speak Japanese here.
So I'm in Japan.
I am in the first half of the 20th century.
As much as I try to stay calm I can't hide the shaking of my hands.
It's gone, just like that. My only way home seems so far away now, more than ever before. I thought I knew what suffering was but it seems I had been blind.
Desperation.
Hope.
Realization.
Denial.
Depression.
Acceptance.
That's actually the hardest part of them. Everything seems to be spinning so fast that I can't keep up with my thoughts. The following revelations are worse than the previous ones.
A man named Kobuko leads me to the chief of this village from what I understand. During our brief dalliance, I couldn't focus on anything. I see out of the corner of my eye how some children make remarks about me, but I can't find it in myself to care.
My face is probably twisting between desperation and trying to stop the leakage of my emotions.
A memory comes back to me.
"—With this, our contract is sealed."
These words...
No, I shake my head. It doesn't matter, not now at least. I should do what is at hand first. It wouldn't do me good to be distracted.
I focus at my hand where the tattoo is, something tells me this is not the last time.
Meanwhile, the guard is looking at me weirdly. I should probably stop making a fool of myself by being stuck in thoughts all the time.
"You are the strangest foreigner I've ever met. I didn't introduce myself, by the way. My name is Kobuko Misochi, a fisherman."
I raise an eyebrow questioningly, "A fisherman? I thought you were a guard."
He chuckles, "Being a guard is just a formality. There needs to be a watchman, after all. It also helps me make some money and it's difficult to fish at night. My role most days comes down to standing still and letting merchants in. It's not all that difficult for the most part."
"Has it never happened that someone has pushed their way through? I would be a little nervous if someone dangerous tried to approach the gate."
My question is met with a wry smile and a gleam in the eye. Hey, I don't get the joke, "I'm no true city guard. My role is only to look the part, meaning: scary enough to ward off possible troublemakers."
"See?" He contorts his face into an angry visage. I can't help but gulp at the sharp lines of his eyebrows and wrinkles.
"Y-yeah."
I can't deny it. In fact, if I wanted to do something immoral and saw him as a guard I would be nervous to intend whatever plan I had. Add to that his mustache.
Mustaches make a man.
Counting the shadow on his face.
Scary! This man's scary as hell!
He laughs wholeheartedly, "Finally! I see that you can do different than pretending to be a statue! I was wondering when I would finally see you with another face!"
This man... no.
Kobuko was trying to relax me all this time while I was tense. To think I didn't notice.
I can feel the corners of my lips lifting, it was a long time ago when I last had such a pleasant conversation with another person. The memory of the cold hands gripping me now seems to have faded as if through a mist.
The rest of our route is filled with pleasant silence on my part while Kobuko gives me a talk about various funny situations during the day.
I can't help but crack a smile at his jokes at times. The older man is a funny guy I wouldn't mind to befriend.
It makes me forget some of my darker thoughts.
"We are here, wait a second," Kobuko says and I perform what he said, seeing no reason in objecting. In front of me is a much larger house than the ones I've seen along the way, but the modesty of construction still remains.
I look around like a curious child. Japanese traditional houses are really beautiful.
Just for this moment, my mind feels at ease.
...
"Oh, hello!"
...
A lovely voice calls out, bringing with it a breeze of flowery perfume. I've never had a good sense of smell due to a constantly plugged nose because of my condition, but now it seems so sharp.
I took notice of the girl next to me, with dark hair and coal-colored eyes. She wears what I would say is a kimono, but I refuse to come off as an idiot with my lack of knowledge. She is short and looks to be around fifteen if I had to hard guess.
"Um, are talking to me?" The words leave my lips somehow awkwardly. I see no reason for her to speak to me.
I also don't want to turn around, it would look even worse.
She giggles and taps my chest with her finger, "Obviously, who else is there, silly."
Uh.
"You look like a lost lamb here, you know? I'm Hanami, but you can call me Hana! So what brings you here exactly? Are you a samurai perhaps?"
What gives her that idea? I may look the part with this face but I most certainly don't have a katana.
"No, I'm..." What am I exactly? "...a merchant."
"Huhhh, really?" She scrutinizes my figure with intense eyes that I almost refuse to meet. Almost, because my sudden sight seemed to make her retreat slightly but not cautiously, more like she saw what she wanted to see.
I don't care that much if she believes me or not.
"You look like one though." Her expression suddenly glows in realization, "Wait if you're not a samurai then maybe... A RONIN?!"
What.
"But you miss your hat like most of them were supposed to have. My grandfather always told me stories of them before he passed away." She said excitedly while joining her palms, "The way you hold yourself–! but wait, where is your sword?"
What x2.
No no, you seriously self-delusion yourself right now. Please stop.
"Can you show me—!"
"Stop, you make me into something I am not."
"Really?"
I stick out my hand and stop her before more words can come out. I honestly don't know how to handle this case of the star-eyed teenager well, "See? I don't have a sword, nor a hat. My attire is entirely coincidental to the image you are trying to put me in."
"Humu, sounds like an excuse mister." She is actually pouting right now, what the heck man, "Fine, I will let you keep your secrets but this is not the end!"
I sigh, "If it keeps you from saying this nonsense then that's fine with me."
"Well, we will see who is right in the end." Coal eyes stare at mine, the second feels like an hour, "So what's your name mister-definitely-not-samurai?"
She asks me for my name.
Of course, it's: "Name's—"
Name.
My name.
My Name.
I can't... No no no, there's no way that I–
–IlookatmysistershesmileslightdeadburieddarknessburnedREMEMBER–
–forgot it right?
I react to the touch on my shoulder, the girl is looking at me with a worried expression, probably wondering why I spaced out so much.
It's okay. I will remember later.
However, I can't stop the cold from filling my being.
"You... don't remember, do you?" She is perceptive, very perceptive, "Is it amnesia?"
Strangely I don't care if she figures out something, maybe because I don't have anything to lose.
Amnesia. Sure, let's go with that.
I won't lie to her however, there is no point in trying to fake a story, "I don't remember anything if that's what you mean. And I didn't go to a doctor. I woke up in a nearby forest, though I already had my clothes."
It's true, I don't remember anything that could have got me stuck in this body.
She gasps a little, "That's awful! I never meet an actual amnesiac—mpf!" Too loud.
I shushed her with my hand, "Hey, don't mention it left and right okay?" Just because I agreed to go with it doesn't mean I want people to suddenly nail it on my person.
She nods and I back off, "Rude!" She then stammers while whisper-shouting.
I stare at her blankly.
The girl is visibly fidgeting under it. I don't question it because I know exactly how I look at this moment. This man's stare scared me too.
I made it on purpose after all, and the grin is almost breaking on my face.
"W-well, since you don't remember your name then maybe..." She pauses for a moment, pondering something my mind can't comprehend.
Yeah right.
Okay, maybe I should tone it down a little. My sarcastic side is showing too much.
I use this time to determine how many minutes have already passed since Kobuko went inside. It should already be time.
"Fire..." A murmur comes from my right and I tilt my head in this direction, "Fire hair... Hi no kami... Hino...Hino!"
"Really?" I snort softly for the first time.
The girl in question blushes, "Don't patronize me!"
While it's amusing to see a young teenager making a fool of herself, I've spent enough time here.
"You must have hit your head for you to forget right? Does your head hurt?" Okay, it's getting a little out of control.
Fortunately, as if hearing my plight, the rescue arrives. Sliding doors – Shōji – something in my mind whispers, open up.
An older than Kobuk and me- a man -with a graying beard walks out of the entrance, Kobuko standing behind his frame. His eyes calmed me down. At this time The Village Head holds his gaze on me before they widen slightly for a brief moment, and then his face quickly returns to a stoic frown. What was that? "Hana, what are you doing here?"
"F-father!" Oh, so she is his daughter. That kinda explains her presence here. Good thing I didn't antagonize her or something. Her next words make me want to crawl, "I was talking to Mister Hino!"
The man turns to me with a raised brow, "Hino, is that right?"
Ahh, I want to bury myself now. It takes everything out of me not to groan loudly.
Instead of staring death in the direction of the preparator, I force myself to look into the eyes of the Village Head with a hopefully respectful enough face.
I nod, "That's correct. I found myself this afternoon in the forest with no memory of how I got there." I then explained that seeing the sign of the area in the distance and my meeting with Kobuko until I found myself here.
"And then he met me!"
We choose to ignore that.
The Village Head clears his throat loud enough to silence his energic offspring, "Regardless of the fact how you got here you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Clearly, you have nowhere to stay as well, hearing your story."
It wasn't hard to guess that my current stay here was a questioning one. What should I do after dark? Where will I eat?
I still need to find a way to get home, but this path seems shrouded in fog.
To do so, I have to meet these conditions and survive until the next day. Now I realize that these survival lessons may have been useful.
"Very well, I have decided." The man declared, every breath waiting for release in tension, "Kobuko will show you the way, you shall work for your stay, food, and water." Kobuko nodded at the request.
So then, what kind of work am I supposed to do? Considering the current period, I can cook maybe or do chores. Maybe even do some simple job as an electrician? I was employed as a corpo rat before and navigating with computer graphics so there is also that.
"Tell me, Hino..." I focus all my attention on the next words coming from the Village Head's mouth, "How good are you at chopping wood?"
Oh.
Oh.
Most of my clothes that were on me previously had been taken by the servants and exchanged for simple farmer's clothing. I was happy with this however, I was not comfortable in clothes that were not a bit mine and the man's from that place.
Later that day, Kobuko showed me around important places in the village. I carefully memorized the things he told me so that it would help me later in navigating the new place.
I can't help but look at the state in which the villagers live. It was not bad by any means, they were not dirty or anything like that. It was just curiosity from my point of view as if I had seen something first-hand and not described in the pages of history or pictures.
I was here, I was genuinely here and I could experience it. I haven't been a history geek but medieval times in Europe had always been an interest of mine. Together with Ancient Times, these sounded mystical to me.
Kobuko turned out to be my guide to all of this. He is a warm person with a heart of gold. It cemented my opinion of him, even if he does it also out of duty. I was always weak to kindness.
This is how I found myself looking at the axe in my hand, awkwardly spinning it in my hand. Although I expected it to be much heavier. What worried me was the lack of a wood saw in these tough times. I didn't think I was that strong to cut down a tree.
I didn't think I was strong at all.
The thing is, I didn't work out much in my previous lif—place of stay.
We were currently in the forest not far away from the village. Kobuko was preparing the necessary tools.
"Now watch this, Hino!"
Not a moment later he brought out his axe, grinning at me and making himself look like a total villain.
I smiled back in turn. I wasn't so enthusiastic about the whole tree-cutting thing however the older man's presence was helping me a lot.
"This is how you—" Kabuko starts to say as he takes a swing, "—CUT THE TREE!" Contrary to his great exclamation, the axe penetrates to a maximum of a few centimeters after which it stopped dead in its tracks, "DAMN THING! And that's why I'm not a woodcutter!"
Now is my turn. I watch for another nearby tree and make my way there, Kobuko watching my movements.
I try to put as much force into swing as I can, flexing my- this body's muscles to the limit.
I'm sure that despite the momentary feeling of strength, it's just an illusion let loose by my nerves into a brain though.
My mind stops.
Feeling the need to take a deep breath, the pressure seems to build in my lungs, pieces of something formidable wake up from their slumber.
I can feel the heat building up, something like fire pulsing through my veins making my face grow hot.
"Breath."
I inhale sharply.
This body pleads, no- that is not right, begs for release.
And I respond to these requests, the axe drifting through the wind, cutting whatever friction was to be found along the way and meeting its mark.
Only now does it occur to me what I have done, the pressure on the axe is weakening but is still tight while I dazedly remove the tool from the heart of the tree.
I don't hear a muffled cry in the background. The only thing in my mind are pieces of tree falling out of the wide gap I made.
The colors of the world return and I notice Kobuto shouting my name. A huge wide grin on his face.
"THAT WAS INCREDIBLE!" His laughter fills the air, "NEVER HAD I THOUGHT I WOULD SEE A MAN CUTTING MORE THAN HALF INTO A TRUNK!"
His words make me grin, the praise striking true just like the axe.
And yet...
Why do I feel disappointed?
Despite the supernatural feat, I can't help but feel that something is missing.
My eyes follow the axe, taking in its every detail. I don't feel anything about it. It's almost like an empty, hollow feeling stirs in my gut.
Kobuko seemed to gain a serious edge, apparently seeing me in this state.
But he draws a completely wrong conclusion, "Hey Hino, I know you are disappointed it didn't go with one go but cheer up - with your strength, it won't take long to cut down the whole thing!"
For a moment I wanted to facepalm but maybe... maybe he was right.
Maybe I let it get in my head too much.
*Crunch* *Crack*
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
And then. Right before us, the tree cracks and turns. A minute later, the tree is no more.
The same fate meets the next one.
And the next.
Next.
Until the sun is down.
Tonight I look at the mirror in my new room.
I have so many questions concerning what happened today. The most important is—
"Who are you?"
The person in the reflection doesn't respond, seemingly mocking me in silence. Face betraying no thoughts looks back.
It doesn't answer.
Never.
I wonder, back in the woods, was that voice a product of my imagination as well?
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
That night, I dream of a man fighting demons.