Title: Dennis Gets Hate Crimed by Purebloods
Disclaimer: I own nothing
10:00 A.M.
On A Monday
London, UK
"Come on, come on, come on!" snapped Harry. "We're almost there!"
Dennis and Frank followed closely behind him, as Mac, who was sweating profusely through his duster plus several other layers and pushing a luggage cart they snagged from the airport that contained Charlie and Dee. They were both slumped over each other, with about eighty tally marks on their white shirts apiece.
"Can't… go… further… eight miles…summer…so…hot…gonna… die!" Mac croaked as he pushed.
"Hey, it was your idea to wear half your shit on the plane in the middle of summer, idiot," said Dennis over his shoulder.
"...won't…pay…carry…fees…"
"You also kept calling yourself Bud Selig nonstop again, so…Selig away, bitch!" laughed Harry as Frank and Dennis snickered.
"...I'll…kill…youdickbags…"
Harry stopped. "I think this is the place."
"What?" asked Frank. "This is just an empty lot."
"What the hell are you talking about? The sign is right there on the building, see?"
"How much did you have to drink on that flight, Harry?" asked Dennis.
Harry looked down at the tally marks on his shirt. "Eleven over 9 hours, so not much. But how aren't you seeing this?"
"...bayme…bagic…" panted Mac as he lurched over the cart. Harry grabbed hold of the doorknob, he could hear Dennis and Frank cursing in surprise. He walked in to see a dingy pub that reminded him an awful lot of Paddy's Pub. Inside were a few other people, but one in particular easily the largest man he had ever seen. Even though most of his face was obscured by a long, thick black beard, Harry could tell he was smiling when they made eye contact.
"Harry!" the giant man said as he shot up from his chair. The rest of the bar took notice.
"Harry…Potter?" choked out the old man behind the bar. With that, the entire rest of the bar was headed towards him. Luckily, Dennis and Frank hopped in.
"Now hold on, hold on, hold on," said Dennis, holding the crowd back.
"Yeah, anyone wants to get an autograph from the hero, they need to fork over ten."
"Ten what?" asked a short wizard.
Harry, Dennis, and Frank exchanged looks.
"Uh…ten?"
"Ten I think… is good."
"Just ten."
"They'll take ten sickles a piece." spoke the giant, giving Harry a wink with one of his big, beetle-like eyes.
Everyone murmured in agreement. Harry shook hands, signed autographs, and even took a few pictures. One woman even came back around three different times. Harry wasn't quite sure how he felt about it. Sure Mac and Dee had forced him into some acting gigs when he was little (under his stage name, Martino Martinez) and had appeared in Charlie's play "The Nightman Cometh." But at least then he knew what he was doing. Everyone he was shaking hands with probably heard more about what happened than he did. But as long as he got his cut, he was confident he could push through it. Eventually, the giant made his way to the front.
"Rubeus Hagrid," he said, stretching out his massive hand. "I haven't seen ya' since ya' could fit in me palm. Bu' Professor McGonagall was right, you're the spittin' image of your father."
"Good to meet you, Hagrid…again, I guess" Harry amended
Hagrid proceeded to greet Dennis and Frank, nearly lifting Frank as he shook his hand. Harry didn't know where Mac ran off to, but he was relieved that Mac wasn't there to ask Hagrid any questions about his body or anything
"Wha' happened to 'em?" asked Hagrid, pointing to the still conked-out Charlie and Dee. "N' why do they have so many tally marks on their shirts?"
"Oh, they did the Wade Boggs challenge on the flight over. The tally marks show how many beers they drank," explained Harry as he signed a witch's hat.
"Oh-er…" Hagrid trailed off, staring down at Harry's shirt.
"Oh, dude no, Harry wasn't part of the challenge," clarified Dennis.
"Yeah," added Frank, counting out the coins "We just were tallyin' Harry to make sure he didn't drink too much-"
"-Soda!" finished Dennis quickly "We wanted to make sure he didn't have too much soda. Also, he wanted to feel included in the contest, so we accommodated him that way."
"Oh, okay…" said Hagrid, although he didn't sound that convinced. "Imma ask Tom for some stew for yer friends. Help sober 'em up."
Hagrid made his way over to the bar. Harry was about to ask what that was all about when he heard a loud crash from the other end of the pub. He looked up to see Mac pressing a pale, terrified young man in a turban against the wall.
"TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE UP TO, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Mac barked in his face.
"P-p-p-please, someone h-h-help," the man in the turban whimpered.
Many of the other patrons gasped. Harry Frank and Dennis came rushing over.
"Woah, woah, woah!" exclaimed Dennis "Mac, what the hell are you doing?"
Mac looked back over his shoulder, still holding the man against the wall. "Oh, this bozo failed the ocular pat down, and is therefore a threat."
"Oh, not this shit again," groaned Frank.
"Why did you determine this guy's a threat anyway?" asked Harry, already knowing the answer.
"Uh…" Mac turned back to the man, looking above his eyes and directly at his turban. The man started trembling and sweating worse than before. Mac turned back towards the gang. "…Reasons."
"Reasons?!" Harry repeated incredulously
"Yes. Reasons, Harry!" said Mac defensively. "Reasons that you are too young and too inexperienced in the art of the ocular pat down to assess for yourself!"
"Mac, God damn it," whined Dennis. "We've been through this shit before. You aren't a real bodyguard. And even if you were, you're bad at it. You haven't once neutralized a real threat when it's just been drunks or vagrants. What makes you think you can handle a threat capable of magic?!"
"My training has made me adaptable to all sorts of combat situa-"
"WHAT TRAINING?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" yelled Dennis, clenching his fists. Harry stepped in to diffuse the situation.
"All of this is bullshit anyway. I'm magic too, remember? This guy tries anything, I'm sure I'll be able to do something awesome and melt his face "
"And if all else fails," Frank reached into his pocket and pulled out his gun "I'll just start blastin'"
"No, no!" Dennis whisper-screamed. "Frank, put that away. I have no idea how you got that through customs, but still. Guys, just listen: this is a new, magical world with potential opportunities for all of us! Mostly for myself and Harry, but still! Let's try to not get off on the foot here. Harry at least has some goodwill for killing that diddler or whatever shit he-"
"I'M NOT A DI-"
Wherever that muffled screaming was coming from none of them could say, for the man in the turban started weeping again. "J-j-just p-please, let me g-g-go!"
"SHUT UP YOU STUTTERING BITCH!" Mac yelled in his face, getting ready to take a swing.
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON?!" Came Hagrid's booming voice. The sight of Hagrid made Mac drop Quirrell, who scurried behind Hagrid. Mac stood in awe at the behemoth before him.
"Oh… My… God!" Mac exclaimed. "How didn't I see this guy when I did my initial occupation assessment?!"
"Yeah, that's a good question. How DIDN'T you?" asked Harry.
"Bro, what's your regiment?! I've tried EVERYTHING. Fight Milk, Asskickers United, Energy Balls, and Trash Bags filled with Chimichangas! I've even been taking size pills, but I don't think those are working too well."
"The size pills are working fine." Dennis cut in.
Despite Mac's attempt at flattery, Hagrid looked incredibly angry. "Professor Quirrell is a respected member of the Hogwarts staff! I'd appreciate it if you keep yer hands off 'im!"
"Hogwarts?" Mac repeated excitedly. "Do you guys know Minerva? Did she say anything about me?"
Hagrid just rolled his eyes and turned back to Harry with a smile. "This here is Professor Quirrell. 'E'll be yer Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."
"Y-y-yes! N-n-not that y-you'll n-n-"
"It was nice meeting you sir," Harry finished for him through a forced smile. One more stutter and he would've let Mac have him.
Professor Quirrell shook Harry's hand quickly and was about to slink into the crowd when Frank stepped out in front.
"Nuh, uh, uh. No free rides. Pay up like everyone else."
"B-b-bu-"
"Just pay this foul creature and get me away from these accursed Muggles!"
"Who said that?" asked Frank, looking all around.
"No one!" Quirrell said quickly as he tossed Frank a bag of coins. As he ran into the crowd, Charlie and Dee made their way out, both holding small bowls of stew.
"So, what'd we miss?" asked Charlie between spoons full of soup.
"What the hell?" asked Dennis "I thought you guys were out cold?"
"Vell ve vere, but zen zat giant gave us this stew to smell and now ve're stone sober. Vant some?" Dee offered her spoon.
"No, get that away from me!" snapped Dennis. Dee handed it over to Frank who immediately dove in. "And why are you doing a German accent? It sounds terrible."
"Vell, virst of all, zis is a Franch axscent-"
"No! No more accents!" Demanded Dennis.
"Why aren't you doing your British accent though?" asked Harry "Wouldn't that make more sense?"
"Are you kidding, Harry? Do you know how pissed off these limeys would get if I was doing their accents?"
"You're pissing ME off!" exclaimed Dennis.
"Is this 'erybody?" interrupted Hagrid.
"In all their glory," said Harry.
"Good, just follow me 'n 'ere."
Hagrid led the six of them out to a small courtyard. He began tapping on the brick wall with his umbrella. Harry was concerned he too had gone insane when the bricks began cascading to the sides, opening the archway to a vast shopping district filled with stores, creatures, and other things Harry never dreamed of. The rest of the gang seemed just as surprised as he was, save Dennis who was still trying to put on some sort of facade.
"Welcome," Hagrid started. "To Diagon Alley!"
"It's brilliant!"' said Harry, staring in awe at the array of magical shops that lined the street.
"Wow, okay, so this is what London's like." Said Charlie. "Pretty cool! Didn't realize it was an entire city of wizards."
"What? Charlie, this is just a very small part of London," said Dennis
"Are you sure? Then what are these strange magical mounds in the road?"
"That's cobblestone, Charlie!" snapped Mac. "They're all over Philly too!"
"Cobbler stone?" Charlie asked, interested. "Like stones you'd use to make a cobbler? Stones made our cobbler? What are we dealing with here?"
"What the- you know what, it doesn't matter," said Dennis, turning to Hagrid. "What's the first stop?"
"Well, I reckon we should head on over t' Gringotts, the Wizard Bank. Any of ye' want to look around while Harry n' I get that sorted are welcome too."
"Nah, I wanna check out this bank for myself," said Frank. "I have a feeling it'll make a prime tax shelter for Wolf Cola!"
"No, Frank!" said Dennis exasperated. "Did you listen to anything I said at the bar? We can't be drawing unwanted attention to ourselves with soda schemes and- Charlie, what the hell are you doing?"
Charlie was down on all fours, tongue stuck out near the cobblestone.
"Oh, I was just tasting it to see what type of cobbler it was made out of," Charlie explained as if it were the most reasonable justification in the world.
"For the last time, they don't make stones out of Goddamn cobbler!" screeched Dennis.
"I wouldn't be so sure. They are magic, after all. They probably could make stones out of anything delicious."
"Why were you about to lick the one with bird shit on it?" asked Dee.
"Well, maybe the bird shit tastes different here too."
"Nope,"' Hagrid shook his head. "Bird shit is still bird shit."
"Well, it's still good luck."
"Who said it was- you know what, fine!" Dennis stomped. "Harry, Hagrid, Frank, and I will go to the bank. In the meantime, you three try not to do anything weird that'll reflect back to the rest of us."
As soon as the four were out of earshot, Dee turned to Mac.
"We're going to rob this place, blind right?"
"Oh totally! Why else would I wear seven goddamn layers?"
"You ready, Charlie?"
Charlie, however, was staring off straight ahead.
"Charlie?" repeated Mac "You okay?"
Still no response. Dee snapped her fingers in front of his face, startling him.
"Huh-oh, you guys say something?"
"What the hell were you staring at?"
"…Nothing…just thought I recognized somebody…"
—
"I feel like everyone's glaring at me," said Dennis, shifting uncomfortably.
"They're goblins," Hagrid answered cheerily "They don't much like anybody. Wouldn't take it personally, if I were you."
"I don't mean them!" said Dennis. "Almost every person we passed looked furious."
"Well," Hagrid shuffled. "Many wizards 'on't 'ave the highest opinion o' muggles."
"Muggle?"
"A person that can't do magic," said Harry, repeating what McGonagall had told him.
Dennis looked irate. "This is outrageous!"
"Yessir, many purebloods hol' 'emselves up on a pedestal while-"
"What? No, not that. Most people in our world are disgusting animals, that I can agree with." said Dennis.
"I don't know if I would say that-" started Hagrid
"Wouldn't you? Christ, just look at Frank, he's still eating the stew from that pub!"
Frank grunted an acknowledgment between spoons.
"Huh, didn' think you'd be able t'bring stew in here," said Hagrid. "Not a bad idea, come t' think of it."
"Yeah." agreed Harry. "I actually didn't really eat anything on the flight. You think they'll be cool if I run back and get some stew and bring some stews here or…"
"I'll take one! Lemme give you some sickles…" said Hagrid, reaching into his coat.
"Top me off too, while you're at it. I'm almost done," said Frank, putting his bowl down.
"No! We cannot go on excursions for stews!" snapped Dennis, getting up. "What's frustrating me is that they're lumping me into that assortment of trash. How do they know that I'm a muggle or whatever anyway?"
"Well, yer clothes ain't doin' you any favors," admitted Hagrid.
"That's it? Okay, I have a plan. Frank, give me the cash, I think I saw a clothing shop a few stores back. These wizards and witches want class? I'll show them class!"
Frank tossed him some of the sickles and Dennis stormed out of the bank.
"May I escort you to the vaults now?" asked Griphook, who had been waiting the entire time.
As they were being led to the cart, Frank heard a commotion in another room. He poked his head inside and saw a group of goblins gathered around what appeared to be some sort of poker table. One of the goblins on the end passed his cards to the dealer. The dealer proceeded to pull out a knife and cut off part of its finger without flinching.
"Seems like my kind of game." laughed Frank, rubbing his hands. "Deal me in!"
—
"Come on, just keep grabbing them!"
Dee and Mac were taking the wands from the boxes and shoving them into Mac's coat. However, many of them had a nasty habit of just flying back into the boxes the moment they were put in his pockets, they kept on flying back into the boxes.
"Can't you just strangle them with your massive bird hands?!"
"Strangle them?! What the… they don't have necks!"
"Don't yell, you bitch! We don't want to get caught!"
"You're yelling too! Besides, if no one's come out yet I don't-"
"What are you people doing?!"
Dee and Mac turned around to see an attractive blonde woman with pale skin pointing her wand at them.
"Uh…"
"-We work here-"
"-he was stealing them when I got here-"
"-no, she was! I-"
"Silence, you filthy muggles!" the witch snapped. "Where is Mr. Ollivander?"
"Right here, Madame Narcissa Malfoy." spoke a weak, whispery voice.
Out of the shadows came an ancient-looking man with a wry smile and wild hair.
"What may I help you with?"
"These muggles are attempting to rob your stop!"
"-This woman's hysterical-"
"-it was all Dee, sir. I was trying to stop-"
"I am aware of what they were attempting. I have been watching them for the past fifteen minutes. But I have implemented wards that prevent would-be thieves," explained Olivander "What I can't figure out is why two muggles would want wands in the first place."
"Well, guy, you start putting plans under a microscope…"
Dee stopped when Charlie came rushing through the doors.
"Guys, guys! You're never gonna believe it!"
"How many of you muggles are there?" Narcissa demanded with disgust.
"What happened to you standing guard, bro?" asked Mac, ignoring Narcissa.
"Yeah, where did you run off to? We got nabbed by a couple of Tim Burton characters."
"Guys, you remember the leprechaun that I captured in the bar?"
I remember the little person that you kidnapped and tortured who we left to die out in the woods, if that's what you mean.
Narcissa looked like she wanted to puke. "You Muggle vermin did wha-"
"I saw him! He's still alive! I need something to scare him with. Can I borrow a wand or a magic gun? I can't find Frank anywhere and-"
"What game are you playing at
"Well, leprechauns are usually assholes…" admitted Ollivander, as the Malfoy woman nodded reluctantly. "Tell you what, I have a few prototype wands that are all wood if you'd like to buy one. I'll even charge you half the price of one regular wand."
"Dude, awesome! How much?"
"Uhh…" Ollivander stroked his chin. "20 galleons?"
Narcissa stifled a laugh. Charlie tossed him a bag of coins. "Here ya' go!"
Dee, Mac, and even Narcissa raised their eyebrows as Ollivander counted the gold.
"Where did you get all that Charlie?" asked Dee.
"Oh, you know those coins me and Frank are always finding in the sewer? Turns out, those are galleons or whatever."
"The sewer?" Narcissa repeated confused
"Are you saying that underneath the streets and sewage of Philadelphia, there's a bunch of Wizard gold and shit?!" asked Mac, dumbfounded
"Apparently. I mean, that stuff had to be-"
"There you are, sir!" Ollivander came back over with the wand placing it in Charlie's hand. "Fir, eleven inches, no core."
"Thanks! Here I come, you little green bitch!" yelled Charlie as he ran out the door.
Dee and Mac turned to look at each other.
"What is happening?!" asked Dee.
"I don't know, but we definitely need to go to the sewers next time with Frank and Charlie," replied Mac.
"I actually went once with Charlie."
"Oh? When?"
"When we were trying to get to Thunder Gun. It wasn't that ba-"
"What about these two urchins?" asked Narcissa loudly.
"What did you just call me, bitch?" demanded Dee.
Narcissa narrowed her eyes and raised her wand at the pair again "How dare you in-"
"Narcissa!" Ollivander said quickly "I have the specs in my office on the wand you requested for young Draco."
"Oh!" said Narcissa pleasantly, forgetting all about the two horrid Muggles. "Well, let's take a look!"
Narcissa walked towards the back office. Before joining her, he winked to Dee and Mac, who took it as their cue to leave… but not before attempting to take one last wand, which promptly flew back.
"God damn it!"
—
"-another young man's being fitted up just now, as a matter of fact."
Harry followed the woman towards the back, stopping briefly when he heard a commotion coming from inside one of the center changing rooms.
"…I don't care if it's not something one of your "regular" customers would wear! They're clearly commoners, peons, and trash! I need something fit for a nobleman, a nobleGOD!"
Harry rubbed his temples. Goddamn it, Dennis.
"Sorry about that," blushed Madame Malkin "That man seems a bit… disturbed."
"You don't know the half of it," Harry muttered under his breath.
In the back of the shop was a pale boy with a proud, pinched face. He sort of looked like some of the old photos that Harry had seen of Dennis. He was being fitted in black, overflowing robes. Harry could only hope he didn't look half as ridiculous as he stepped on the platform.
"Hello," said the boy, "Hogwarts, too?"
"What gave it away?" asked Harry sarcastically.
The boy seemed slightly taken aback but kept on talking.
"My father's next door buying my books and mother's up the street looking at wands. Then I'm going to drag them off to look at racing brooms. I don't see why first years can't have their own. I think I'll bully father into getting me one and-"
Harry snorted. The boy's ears started to get pink.
"What's so funny?" the boy asked, sneering.
"You actually think that'll work?" Harry smirked. "Just whining until you get what you want? How often does that work for you?"
The boy's sneer dropped.
"Well… it doesn't always work, I guess…"
Harry waved him off.
"Kid, you're going about this all wrong. You want your parents to give you what you want? Here's a foolproof way: Step 1: Heighten sentimentality. With my family, that's usually getting them a beer without them needing to ask or quoting one of their favorite movies. A subtle way to remind them how much you mean to them, and how empty their lives would be without you. Step 2: Ask questions. Feign interest in their bullshit, and keep asking questions until you get enough information to use against them. Which brings me to Step 3: Remind of insecurity. Let them know that you see what bothers them, making them feel like they failed to keep their shit together in front of you, lowering their overall feeling of value. Make sure you don't lay it on too thick and definitely don't do it when angry. Then they'll know you're just trying to hurt them. You need to do it in the most casual way possible, like pointing out a stain on their shirt. And if you can do it in comparison to another adult in your life, that's even better. Step 4: Recommend remedy. Straight up tell them about this new toy or whatever that you saw, and just say how awesome it would be to have it. Next thing you know, they'll be the ones dragging you there to get it for you. Once the transaction is completed, the final step is Step 5: 'You're the best.' Tell them how great they are for doing this for you, thus rebuilding their fragile self-esteem and sense of worth, and making it easier for you to tear it down next time you want something."
The boy just stood there, jaw dropped. The seamstresses had stopped working and were exchanging uncomfortable looks. Harry wondered for a moment if he had gone too far laying out the whole H.A.R.R.Y. system to a kid he just met. After some time, the boy finally started moving his mouth again.
"That's…awesome!" the boy moved his arms so wildly he almost hit one of the tailors. "I don't even have to ask; you're going to be a Slytherin too for sure!"
Harry's smile faded. "Slytherin?"
"Well, you certainly aren't a Hufflepuff. No offense, but had you pegged a Ravenclaw when I saw you, what with the glasses, but you don't act like the one's father talks about. As for Gryffindor-"
"What the hell are you on about?" demanded Harry, getting frustrated
"Why, Houses at Hogwarts of course!" the boy made a face like he stepped in dogshit. "Your parents are our kind, right?"
"They were," said Harry, hoping the boy would take the hint.
"Huh? Did they get their wands snapped, or…"
"They're dead, bozo," answered Harry. He sure hoped not every kid in his year would be this stupid.
"Oh, sorry," said the boy, before making a face. "What is a b- what in Merlin's name is that?!"
Harry turned to see Hagrid in the window, holding two large ice cream cones.
"That's just Hargrid, he works at Hogwarts."
"Huh? Oh, him. I heard he's a savage that lives in a hut that every day gets drunk, unleashes wild beasts, and sets things on fire-"
Harry made a mental note to hang out with Hagrid while at Hogwarts. He sounded awesome.
"- I meant that!"
Harry looked where the boy was pointing and felt his eye twitch. There was Dennis, in a powdered wig, red jacket, green vest, frills around his neck and sleeves, and what appeared to be clown makeup. Harry wasn't sure if he should be mortified or laughing hysterically.
"Toooop of the morning, laaaads," said Dennis in a truly horrific falsetto.
This broke the damn. Both Harry and the other boy had to grab onto the tailor women so they wouldn't fall. Even the tailors were giggling.
Dennis turned up his nose and stormed out of the store. He kept walking until he felt a force collide with him that almost knocked him over.
"I daaaaare say, watch where't thou-ith is… Charlie?!" exclaimed Dennis, dropping the accent.
"Dennis?!" asked Charlie, shaking Dennis's shoulders. "Uh-oh Dennis, I'm in real trouble. I think someone cursed that cobbler. I saw the leprechaun, but his face was totally different. It was all pointy and gross and then I got this stick, and now I'm seeing you, but it looks like you're dressed like a clown or a drag queen or a queen of clowns or whatever and did you see him?"
"Drag- wha-See who?"
"The leprechaun! The one that I captured in the bar on Saint Patrick's Day, remember?! It's him, I swear! He just has a different face!"
"So wait, you saw a little person with a different face? That could be any other little person on the planet!"
"He has my gold, Dennis! I captured him fair and square! He owes me!"
Dennis paused. "Oh shit, Charlie, you're right! I saw it going that way!"
"Where?!"
"There!" Dennis pointed in a random direction behind him. Charlie was off running, and Dennis rolled his eyes "Idiot."
Dennis walked a bit more until he saw a section of shops that he had not yet explored.
"Knockturn Alley," Dennis read the sign "Maybe these people will be sophisticated enough to appreciate my class and elegance… unlike those sons of bitches!"
—-
Dee and Mac entered the shop, looking around. One side was lined with different broomsticks, and the others were lined with three types of decorative balls. In between were some display cases with different balls or brooms. Dee approached one of the medium-sized dark balls that were chained up and poked at it
"What do you think the chains are- oh shit!" she yanked her hand away as the ball slammed towards them, narrowly missing.
"Dee, don't be stupid. Who knows what sort of curses these people put on it," said Mac in a bored tone as he twirled a broomstick like a lightsaber.
"You sure you should be doing that?" asked Dee, disinterested.
"All of my training up to this point is telling me yes," replied Mac, slicing through the air with the broom.
Dee shrugged and went back to poking at the various balls and trinkets. The bell above the shop's door chimed as a father and son walked in. Both were pale with blond hair, not unlike the Malfoy
"Do you really think people see your mother as both the looks and the brains?" the father asked the son.
"I'm just telling you what I've noticed," said the boy casually. "Hey look, the new Nimbus 2000!"
The boy went to the wall to admire the brooms. The father stepped to join him but just stopped short of the end of the broomstick that Mac put in his face.
"Sorry bro," said Mac, thrusting the broom back.
The man scowled at him.
"Be careful with that, you damn Muggle!"
"Muggle? What is that, the word of the day?" asked Dee.
The man turned to Dee, his expression softening slightly.
"Excuse me, Madame," he said, putting on a far smoother tone. "May I say, you are looking ravishingly avian."
Dee blushed. "Well, thank you… guy?"
"Lord Lucius Malfoy, pleased to make your acquaintance," Lucius grabbed hold of Dee's hand and kissed it. Dee attempted to move the hand closer to her breast, but Lucius stopped ahead and just looked incredibly surprised. "Um… and that's my son, Draco."
He gestured to the boy, who had all but forgotten about the brooms and was now staring at Mac with a sly smile.
"Oh, how adorable. He looks around Harry's age."
The man's eyes lit up. "Harry, you say? Interesting. So I take it you two are…" Lucius gestured his cane towards Mac, who was now making fake lightsaber noises with the broom.
"Oh! No, no, no, no!" Dee exclaimed, realizing what he meant. "God no! I'd rather blow my brains out than ever be…"
"Woah- what the hell!?"
The broom, which Mac had been waving over his head like a jackass, was starting to rise higher and higher. Mac tightened the grip, looking down at the floor below him.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" screamed Mac.
"Mac, what the hell are you doing?!"
"What have you done, you foolish Muggle?!" Yelled Lucius, all pleasantness leaving his voice.
"Someone help me!"
None of the three adults noticed Draco double over in laughter. The moment he broke eye contact, however, the broom went flying. Before Lucius could cast a spell or Dee could dive out of the way, Mac went slamming through both of them, knocking all three through a display case of top-line brooms. They slammed right through it, snapping a few brooms as they fell on top of each other. Mac and Dee were only slightly banged up, but Lucius was moaning and rubbing his head. Draco stared at the scene, mouth agape. The door from the back office began to jiggle.
"Run?" asked Mac.
"Run!" agreed Dee.
Both of them hopped up and ran from the store, Mac stumbling after tripping over Lucius. He caught up to Dee, but as they turned the corner they came face to face with Harry, Hagrid, and a magnificent white owl in a cage.
"Hey guys!" Harry said smiling. "Look what I got! I'm going to call it Nick Foles!"
"Pretty sure the pet store owner already named 'er Hedwig," said Hagrid, holding some books and other supplies.
"Well, when someone named Hedwig wins a Super Bowl with the Eagles, I'll buy a bird and name it after them," shrugged Harry. "I also got my wand!"
"Cool," said Mac "We tried to grab some, but it was a whole thing. Where are Frank and Dennis?"
"We lost Frank at Gringotts. Dennis had a mental breakdown and is running around in women's clothing."
"Again?"
"Yeah," Harry's smile faded. "Where's Charlie?
—-
Franks's hands trembled as he played the card. He had played cards in backwater gambling dens from Bogota to Hanoi. But no matter the language, the rules of the game, whether it be poker or horse racing or Russian Roulette, were more or less universal. Evidently, those rules didn't apply to Goblins. The cards' values and combinations had no coherent pattern. They almost looked like the strange symbols Charlie would write. Frank couldn't be sure because he was fairly certain he had not seen two of the same cards since the game started. Whatever game this was, it must be only possible for goblins to play and win… or twenty years without an eye exam had finally caught up with Frank.
He was down to his last hand. He didn't want to think what these things would do to him if he lost another. There was so much left undone. So many sights left unseen. So many whores left un-banged. He could only hope his friends would find his body to throw into the trash.
As his fingers trembled picking up the cards, he heard the sound of small feet running closer. Frank and the goblins at the table picked their heads up to see a fat, sweaty goblin standing in the entryway, huffing and puffing.
"Crazy wizard… making threats…waving wand… demands his gold."
All the goblins hopped from their chairs and ran towards the door, leaving Frank all alone. After a moment and he was certain that they weren't coming back anytime soon, Frank started to whistle as he pocketed his would-be losses, plus a little something extra for his troubles.
He made his way back to the entrance hall, laughing when he came to a stop. The bank was filled with panicked-looking people and Goblins alike. At the front of the room was Charlie, holding a stick up in the air and looking deranged!
"OH MR. LEPRECHAUN, COME OUT AND PLAY-E-AYE!"
No one answered. Charlie looked even angrier.
"GODDAMNIT, WHERE'S MY MONEY YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SHIT?!"
"Charlie!" Frank yelled, rushing over towards him. One horrified-looking Goblin tried to get in his way, but Frank just pushed him to the side. "What the hell are you doin'?!"
"GETTING MY GOLD BACK, FRANK! WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING?!"
Frank looked him up and down. "Looks like you got high and are wavin' around a stick thing."
Charlie lowered it slightly and shrugged "Well… that's not not true…"
Hagrid, Harry, Mac, and Dee came barging into the bank. Hagrid stood in the way to prevent the rest from getting any closer.
"Charlie!" Mac screamed! "What the hell are you doing!?"
"THE LEPRECHAUNS OWE ME MY GOLD!"
"These aren't Leprechauns, dumbass!" yelled Harry."They're goblins!"
"NO THERE-oh…" said Charlie, realization washing over him as he looked across the room of angry and scared pointed faces. "… guess I…I wasn't as high as I thought… hehe… my bad."
Charlie dropped the wand. At that moment, all the Goblins bared their ugly, razor-sharp teeth. Hagrid took a deep breath. Mac stood up a bit straighter, and motioned for Harry to get further back.
" Harry," Dee whispered. "Be ready to run."
Charlie slowly inched backwards "Oh God.."
"Don't attack!"
A short, older goblin came out from around the corner to wave down his colleagues. When the last one was settled, he pulled out a scroll
"What is your name again, sir?"
The Gang and Hagrid exchanged glances.
"Uh," started Charlie. "Charlie Kelly,"
"May I have the spelling, please, Mr. Kelly?"
Charlie just blinked. Harry rolled his eyes and spoke for him.
"C-H-A-R-L-I-E, K-E-L-L-Y," spelled Harry.
The goblin adjusted his spectacles and scanned the scroll. He stopped for a moment before looking back up at the six.
"Actually… you do have an account here."
—
"So, I'm some sort of wizard, now?" asked Charlie, cutting into his chicken.
"Not exactly," said Hagrid. "Yer a squib."
"Oh, so I can breathe underwater and shoot ink at people and climb up walls with suction cups? That sounds pretty cool."
"That's not what he meant," said Dee, shaking her head.
"Where did you get that from?" asked Harry.
"Nah, squib. Means least one yer parents was magic."
"But my dad was a cheese monster… or a cheese mongrel…"
"Cheesemonger!" said Harry, Frank, Dee, and Mac simultaneously.
"Yeah, that."
"Well, lots of wizards fled to the Muggle World during' the war fer their own safety," Hagrid looked down at his cup. "Many figured they'd be better off keepin' their distance from other wizards, and some just couldn't stomach much more violence."
"Whatever. He didn't really leave much in that vault anyway. Between that and the fake wand, I barely broke even. What kind of jobs does this open up for me? Can I raise magical creatures, go on adventures with ghouls, things like that?"
"Um… no," said Hagrid, adjusting his seat. "Mos' jobs that hire Squibs are mostly janitorial. Cleanin' toilets an' the like."
The gang, save Charlie, collectively cringed. Charlie opened his mouth to speak, but after a moment just stared down at his ale. It was more than halfway full, but Charlie began chugging away.
"They can also own or rent property!" added Hagrid in an attempt in an attempt to soften the blow, which was only met by more 'glugs' from Charlie. "…'course that don't mean much without any income."
Charlie slammed down the beer, belched loudly, and got up to get another drink. At that moment, Dennis came rushing through the doors from Diagon Alley. He was still wearing the same ridiculous get-up, but it was now covered in feathers and some sort of black gunk.
"Guys, guys!" he yelled frantically, moving his arms around in a way that made him look even more like a chicken. "Oh thank God! Here I was, walking around, minding my own business, when like 15 or 20 different assholes jumped me! One of them screamed at me 'Picemetpluma' and I got tarred and feathered! They dragged me through the street for 3 hours!"
Everyone at the table looked around at one another. The silence was broken when Charlie got back to the table. He looked up and down at Dennis and immediately bursted out laughing. Everyone else soon joined him, further angering Dennis.
"This isn't funny! I almost died!"
"Haha, sorry, Larry Bird!" laughed Dee.
"God damn it Dee, not even you can ruin this right now." Laughed Charlie.
"You lot ain't half bad. I don't see why McGonagall doesn't like ya'!" Hagrid laughed. The laughter at the table died down as Hagrid was left chuckling uncomfortably.
"She what?"
—
A/N: Another Chapter completed! This one was a doozy, but now that break is over I wanted to give you guys something before I got too bogged down with classes. But hopefully, Chapter 3 won't be too difficult.