Or how the walls, they were shaking.
The cafe seemed to disappear around us.
The whole world felt liked it vanished.
Becoming white and blank, except for her.
My body felt like its own chain reaction.
When my heart would beat, I would swallow.
When I swallowed, I would choke.
When I choked, I'd try to breathe.
And when I tried to breathe, my heart would beat again.
I wasn't sure how much time was passing, or how many times the cycle repeated.
I stared at her like she was a ghost.
I couldn't convince myself she was real.
Something was wrong, this couldn't be real.
A dream, a hallucination, I died in my sleep, anything else had to be what was happening.
I wasn't sure which of my senses to use to try and confirm it.
Should I speak, listen, touch, I couldn't decide.
Even if I did, I wouldn't have been able to move.
I stood there, on the brink of-
"Sir?"
"Ah-huh?"
"Your coffee sir."
"Oh..uh…thank you. Thank you so much."
I gripped the coffee with both hands, feeling the warmth in my palms, bringing me somewhat back to reality.
When I turned around, the illusion of Nikki was cautiously approaching me.
"There's….no fucking way. Dean….Dean?"
"It…uh…."
"Dean? Is that really you?"
"Uh…yeah…yeah. Is that….you Nikki?"
"Ye…yeah…"
I stood in place, shaking in my boots.
She took very slow steps, like I was a wild animal she was trying to befriend.
"I can not fucking believe this…are you really Dean?"
"I…I'm pretty sure."
As she got closer, she started standing straighter.
She was a little shorter than I imagined her to be.
She had to tilt her head to look at me.
A couple more steps, and she was now within reach of me.
The coffee began burning my hands, but I wasn't ready to move.
She took her last step, barely a few inches away.
Staring directly into me, as I stared directly into her.
Her hair seemed bluer, her skin paler, her face even more beautif-
Ahh fuck my hands.
I had to put the coffee down on the counter, but when I looked back up she yelled
"Dean!"
And dove for me.
Her arms wrapped all the way around me, right above my waist.
Her hands interlocked, squeezing me tight.
Her face nuzzled into me, squeezing me even tighter.
She muffled herself with my shirt as she said
"Dean…I can't believe you're here…"
My arms were still in the air.
Part of it was I was still in disbelief, the other was hug etiquette.
Normally my arms would go under the other person's, since I never engage the hug.
But she was below my elbows, so I couldn't reach under her.
If I was gonna hug her back, I had to wrap my arms around something else.
And all there really was for me to grab was her shoulders and her head.
She was still squeezing me as tightly as she began, showing no sign of letting go any time soon.
I slowly lowered one arm down, reaching over her shoulders.
I was gentle with the pressure, I felt like I could have crushed her.
As I began to rest it on her, I could feel her deep heavy breaths lower and raise her shoulders along with my arm.
As tightly as she was squeezing as me, it started feeling even tighter pressing her into me.
So far, she felt real.
I could feel her breath, I could feel her clothes.
But I don't know why or what part of me wasn't convinced yet.
I was ready to wake up in my bed or the hospital, and somehow not be surprised.
But I began to lower my other arm, curling it around the back of her head.
Leaning into her as I did it.
Her head felt real, her blue hair felt soft.
Softer than anything I've ever felt before.
It was really her.
It was really Nikki.
Every quick breath I took inhaled a whole new emotion.
Relief.
Assurance.
Happiness.
Comfort.
I could feel her hair on my hand and wrist, and as I leaned in more I began to feel it on my cheek.
I was resting my face on her cheek, closing my eyes as I did.
It was her.
She was real.
This was real.
"I can't believe it either."
We sat at the table, talking and catching up like we haven't seen each other in years.
She told me stories about her friends, her apartment, and some of her favorite video games.
I told her about Jordan, and Alex, and my times at this cafe.
For almost every cup of coffee we drank, the barista's would bring another unprompted.
I could tell the lighting and the sun in the cafe was changing, but I didn't comprehend how much.
I couldn't stop staring at her.
Seeing her excited to tell the stories, seeing new emotions I may have heard over the phone but never saw before.
I began noticing the way her shoulders would bounce, how if she wasn't leaning forward her arms would be in the air, all these physical nuances of hers that would have never been noticeable over a stream or a video-chat.
I couldn't deny how real she was or how real what was happening. But that didn't stop it from feeling like a dream.
"Man, that was honestly one of the only bright spots from that job. I could tell that story over and over again."
"Absolutely. He seriously didn't notice the salt?"
"No! Not one bit!"
"That is unbelievable."
"You're telling me man."
"You know what, I think I have a picture of that donut saved in my phone somewhere. Let me check."
"Oh no."
"Yes! Here it is, check it out. I just sent it to you."
"Got it, let me see- oh, shit."
"What's up?"
"Nothing, just forget to text Becky."
"Becky?"
"The artist."
"Ah, got'cha."
"Alright, let me send that first and- Jesus Christ thats all salt?!"
"Yup!"
"And he ate the entire thing?"
"Slurped it down like it was nothing."
"Damn, remind me not to leave my donuts unattended around you."
"Now where's the fun in that?"
"By not having a salty ass donut, that's the fun."
"Naaah."
"Alright, well next time- whoa, where did the sun go?"
"Huh? Oh damn, it got dark all of a sudden."
"Yeah, is it supposed to rain?"
"I didn't think so."
"Shit, this came out of nowhere. Now I gotta walk back to my apartment in it."
"You walked here?"
"Yeah, I'm only a few blocks away."
"Oh sweet. I had to park a few blocks away, so go figure."
"You really hard to park that far?"
"Probably not, I just hate risking there not being open spots out in front and having to turn around and yadda yadda yadda."
"Fair enough."
"Yeah. Oh man, here comes the rain."
"Yikes. I guess we should call it before it gets too bad."
"I guess so. What time is it- holy fuck."
"What?"
"Dean we've been here for like…hours."
"No way, really? How late could it possibly… one o'clock?!"
"I've never had time fly by like that, that's crazy."
"Yeah, same here."
"Well, guess we should get out of here."
"Yeah, but knowing what we know now we can do this again."
"You bet your ass."
"Sweet. Well hey, it's been so much- Jesus!"
"Christ, was that lightning?"
"Yeah, we gotta go now. Here, let me walk you to your car."
"Sure but- what about you?"
"Huh?"
"You're gonna get soaked, and you still have to walk home."
"Oh…yeah. Shit."
"Look dummy, I can give you a ride home."
"Oh…you sure?"
"Yeah, absolutely."
"Umm…."
"Bro, are you seriously thinking about it?"
"Huh? Uh..no! No no, that uh…sounds good, thanks."
"Cool, come on, let's go."
From the moment we left the cafe, it was a sprint towards her car.
We covered our heads with our arms and hands as best as we could.
The rain was already torrential, pelting us as hard as hail.
"Just around this corner!"
"Okay!"
I followed behind her, her steps splashing my ankles.
We turned the corner, having to cross the street.
The lights were red, and there were no cars on the street.
But I started slowing down, waiting for her to press the crosswalk button.
But as I slowed down, the distance between us increased.
I slowed down, but she didn't. Trotting right into the street.
"Nikki! Wait!"
I stopped on the curb, she stopped in the middle of the road.
"What?"
"What are you doing?"
"What am I doing? What are you doing?"
"You gotta press the button!"
"Are you serious right now?"
"Yeah!"
I reached over and pressed it, accepting that I couldn't get anymore soaked and lowering my hands.
"Dean, there's no one around!"
"Can you get out of the street please?"
"I will, on the other side!"
"Come on!"
"Dean!"
"Can you just come back please?"
She lowered her arms too, embracing the rain.
"Why?"
"What do you mean why? So you don't get run over!"
"How can I get run over if there's no cars?"
"You don't know that!"
"I do because I have eyes doofus."
"Still!"
" 'Still' nothing Dean. Are you seriously too scared to cross the street?"
"I'm not scared of the street I'm scared of-"
"That's being scared of the street Dean."
"Cars or cops! What if a cop sees you?"
"What's he gonna do?"
"Arrest you for jaywalking! Just get out of the damn street!"
"Make me."
"What?"
"Make me!"
She started dancing where she stood, splashing the small puddles with every stomp.
"Nikki, come on. Please?"
"There's no one here Dean!"
"Nikki!"
"Dean, trust me."
She stopped dancing, and started walking back towards me.
"There you go, thank you."
But she stopped a couple steps too far away.
"Oh that just ain't right."
"Dean, come on."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
"Just wait a few more seconds."
"Dean, what are you scared of?"
"Of-"
"Cars? Cops? Slipping?"
"Uh…"
"Dean, it's just crossing the road. There's bigger risks to take."
"That's not the-"
"Please?"
She raised her hand to me.
"I promise you nothing will happen."
She flexed her fingers, enticing me to grab her hand.
"You'll be fine as long as I'm here. I promise."
I looked at her hands, and looked at the crossing lights.
They were still red, saying we couldn't cross.
I looked at the traffic lights on the street, they were still green letting potential cars come by.
I looked up and down the road. I didn't see any cars, or cops.
But my whole life, I never took a chance like that.
I didn't think a piano would fall on me, but there was always the potential of something going wrong.
And if all it took was waiting a few seconds and pressing a button, why take any risks like that?
But seeing Nikki standing in the road, soaking wet, but with a smile on her face started making me think differently.
The potential risks were there, but something about her made her feel like some sort of guarantee.
A guarantee that while she was there, the risks weren't.
That, and I kind of just wanted to hold her hand for some reason.
I reached out, cupping her fingers in my palm.
But as she gripped my hand back, she wiggled her fingers in between mine, interlocking them.
And before I had a moment to take in what her hand felt like, she yanked me into the street and took off in a full sprint, dragging me behind her.
We crossed the street one splash at a time, before jumping over the curb.
As we turned the corner, I glimpsed at the cross-walk sign.
It just turned green.
She dragged me to a small dark green car.
"Come on, hop in!"
She unlocked the doors and we both hopped inside.
I could feel my clothes squish and drain like a sponge on the seat.
She started the car, taking a couple slow hesitant revs to do it.
She switched the heat on to as strong as it could go, and started rubbing her hands up against the vents like they were a small campfire.
"Jesus, it got cold."
She shivered and chattered her teeth before shuffling out of her soaked jacket.
She threw it into the backseat, before quickly groaning.
"Dammit, my phone was in there. Dean, can you reach back there and grab it for me?"
"Oh yeah, sure."
I turned around and gripped a handful of her jacket, bringing it back to the front with me.
"Alrighty, here you go- oh."
When I went to hand it to her, I couldn't help but notice she was wearing a white t-shirt.
Aaaaaaaaaaand considering her white t-shirt was wet, her black bra was visible for the entire coastline to see.
"Thanks uh- hmm? What's up, why you looking away like that?"
"Your….your uh…. Shirt."
"What about my- oh. Got'cha. Uhh…I don't wanna put this wet thing back on."
"You're good, you're good, I just won't look."
"I mean I don't mind Dean. You don't have to-"
"I will not look. I promise."
"Right. Not a horndog. Right."
She chuckled, grabbed her phone out of the pocket, and threw the jacket back into the backseat.
I was blissfully observing the rain drops on the passenger window.
"So where do you live?"
"Not far, just take a left out of this lot and a right at the light."
"Okay dokey."
She backed out and made her way towards the traffic light.
"Here I'll put some music on."
I could hear her tap on her phone, and after a couple taps a song started to play.
To my surprise, it was a song I knew.
It was song by a band called Volbeat.
"Whoa hey, Volbeat."
"You know Volbeat?"
"Hell yeah, you do too?"
"Hell yeah!"
"That's awesome. I gotta admit, I didn't think this would be your thing."
"Oh yeah? How come?"
"I don't know, just didn't really give any vibes for it."
"What, cam girls can't rock out?"
"I didn't say that."
"Ehh, you kind of did."
"That's not fair."
"You're good. If I'm being honest, I only kind of got into this stuff recently."
"And how's that?"
"Well, knowing what you know, we all tend to use that lofi stuff on in the background. Supposed to just be chill and set the mood, and on an even more technical side they don't cause bullshit copyright problems."
"Right, fair enough."
"And to tell you the truth, I got so fucking sick of it. Like, it started making me feel sick whenever I heard stuff like it."
"Oh man, really?"
"Yeah, really. Anything close to it either. There are certain genres and stuff that would just get me nauseous."
"Man, that sucks."
"I don't think it was just the repetitiveness of it either. That kind of music was always present in the places and times I weren't happy, you know? Work, streaming, things like that."
"So it became a very negative association for you."
"Exactly. So I tried finding new stuff to listen to, and one day when I was channel surfing the radio this song came on. I thought it was alright at first, and next thing you know this is the stuff I listen to all the time."
"That's awesome, that's how I found Volbeat too. Oh, and take a right at this light up ahead."
"You got it."
"And that's my street."
"Oh really? That close huh?"
"Yup."
"Damn, I was having fun."
She pulled up the curb in front of my building.
The rain was still pouring down, not slowing down at all.
"Well here you go Dean. Home sweet home."
"Thanks Nikki."
"Holy shit, you live in one of these places? You make that much money?"
"Nah."
"Is that you being humble or you bragging?"
"….both?"
"That's literally impossible you asshole."
She laughed and lightly smacked my arm.
She was somewhat dry, so I was able to look back in her direction.
"Sorry, sorry. I've just been here long enough it doesn't feel all that special anymore."
"I mean, I guess that makes sense."
"Well hey, this has been…one hell of an eventful day so far Nikki."
"You're telling me."
"This has been some of the most fun I've had in a while."
"Man, you gotta get out more."
"Alright, I'll just go fuck myself then."
"No no no wait."
She laughed and pulled me back in since I was pretending to get out of the car.
"I'm kidding I'm kidding, come on."
"I know, I know."
"I've had a lot of fun too Dean, seriously. I'm just being a jerk."
She opened and spread her arms as wide as she could.
"Can I get a hug from you before you go?"
"Uhhh…."
"Come on, I'm mostly dry and you can't see my tits anymore."
"Alright, alright. Don't twist my hand."
"You fucker."
I hunched over as much as I could, being able to put my arms under hers this time.
She reached over my shoulders, and pulled me in even further.
If I wasn't hugging her, my back would probably be killing me.
She hung on for a few seconds, long enough I could feel a couple of her long deep breaths.
Her hair was still soaked, and her clothes and skin were ice cold.
But when she whispered to me
"Thanks Dean."
Suddenly, I felt warmer than I did all day.
I stepped out the car and closed the door behind me.
I knocked on the window and waved goodbye, barely being able to see her do the same through the rain on the glass.
I started jogging to the main entrance, just keeping my head low as I ran.
After a couple trots, I could hear a noise behind me.
The whirring and struggle of a dead car battery.
I turned around to see Nikki's dark green car not going anywhere.
And after a couple short honks of the horn, which we all know means she was punching the steering wheel, I made my way back to the car.
I knocked on the window before opening the door slightly.
"You alright?"
"No. Not really."
"Yeah, I can tell your battery is dead. Give me a second, I'll come give you a jump."
"A what?"
"Jump. Jump-start."
"Uhh…"
"I'm gonna give some of my batteries juice to your battery so you can start the car."
"Oh..uh..th-th-thanks Dean."
Before I can close the door, I could see her shivering and rubbing her arms.
With the car turned off, the heat couldn't provide anymore warmth.
And she was still soaked, the rain freezing her with every drop.
I quickly ran through a couple scenarios my head.
The first I thought of was her car.
I can jump it this time, but she's gonna need another jump every time after more than likely.
So wherever she goes next, she'll be practically stranded.
And then there was the possibility of her battery completely shitting the bed while she was driving, causing who knows what to happen.
So if it was my car, obviously the safest and correct choice is to replace the battery now.
I was ready to ask her to pop the hood, just so I can see where her battery was.
I got the feeling she wouldn't know what the fuck I was talking about, plus the off chance she wasn't sure how to pop it in the first place.
"Hey uh…"
"Y-y-y-yeah? What-t-t-t's up?"
Dude. Dean.
Look at her.
What do you think she'd want more right now?
A functional car battery or to stop fucking shivering?
"Um…you know I was thinking. I can tell you're cold and still wet, and this battery might be completely dead. Do you wanna just…"
"J-j-j-j-just what?"
"Just…come inside and warm up?"
"Oh my god I thought you'd never ask."
"And here we are. Pardon the mess."
"Whoa, this is seriously your apartment?"
"Yup."
"Dude, you can fit a whole house in here."
"Nah."
"And that view out of the windows! Look at that!"
"Yup, one of my favorite parts."
She began frolicking back and forth, ooh-ing and aah-ing at all the mundane things.
Apparently my fridge was fancy, my sink was fancy, and even my Tupperware cupboard.
I took off my jacket and hung it over the side of the couch.
I went over to the thermostat and cranked the heat.
"Whoa, you have your own thermostat?"
"Yup."
"Sick."
"I know, it's true luxury."
"I should start writing myself, your place is so nice Dean."
"Thanks Nikki, I appreciate that. It's a little messy right now, I wasn't expecting-"
"What, some clothes on the couch? A dish or two in the sink? What mess?"
"Uhh…well mostly those things, yeah. I didn't make the bed either."
"Jesus Christ, you live like a pig."
"I know, I've been trying to aim for at least living like a horse."
She chuckled before heading back towards the center of the room.
"Is it okay if take my jacket off? Where should I put it?"
"Oh yeah, uh… here. I'll just hang it on one of the chairs."
I took her soaked jacket from her, the thing seemingly weighing as much as her.
I hung it up on the back of one of my dining chairs.
She took a seat on the couch, rubbing her arms for warmth again.
"Let me get you a blanket."
"Sure."
I went to go get one from the closet, before she called out to me.
"Umm….actually…Dean?"
"Yeah? What's up?"
"Umm…I'm not trying to be provocative by any means, but…can I possibly get a change of clothes? Mine are still so wet and I don't know if-"
"You got it."
"Oh, thanks."
I skipped up to my dresser, going straight for the pajama drawer.
I dug out an old t-shirt and my least favorite pair of sweats.
"Here you go, all yours. Bathroom is right over there so you can change."
"Awesome, thank you so much Dean."
She took them from me and went straight for the bathroom.
I took the time to change myself. Except I took out a nicer shirt and my freshly laundered favorite pair of sweats.
Just as I was about done, Nikki came out of the bathroom.
"These are really comfy, thank you."
"No problem."
"Is it okay If i just left mine on the floor in there?"
"Oh yeah, no problem."
"Cool. So…uhh…"
"Uhh….coffee?"
"This coffee is great Dean, why bother going to that cafe?"
"The muffins."
"Fair enough."
"Need anything else?"
"Nope, I'm good. I'm dry, I'm comfy, and I'm warm. Couldn't be better."
"Awesome."
"Well if my car wasn't a piece of shit, I'd be perfect."
"Nah, it's not the car. The old ones like yours last forever."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah. Just do the regular Maintence on them and they'll out live the driver."
"Right. Regular…maintenance."
"Oil changes."
"….yes….exactly."
"Oh boy."
"Don't judge me."
"That's the last thing I'm gonna do, but you probably need a new battery."
"Shit."
"No big deal. Batteries are easy, I could change it for you."
"Really?"
"Yeah, absolutely."
"You used to be a mechanic or something?"
"Nah. I just know the basic things. I didn't always live in this palace, and mechanics are expensive. I learned how to do some stuff to save some money all those years ago."
"Fair enough. I really appreciate all you're doing for me Dean. Hell, we bumped into each other by chance and next thing you know I'm in your apartment wearing your clothes and you are working on my car."
"I'm happy to help, believe me. I'm sure you would have done the same for me."
"I could if I would, but I don't think you wanna wear my pajamas."
"Gotta point there. Here, let me call up a store or two and find you a battery. Let's make a game plan."
"Yes sir."
"Ah got'cha. Not until tomorrow morning? All right, not your fault. Thank you very much. Have a good day, buh-bye."
"No luck?"
"I can't believe it, three different stores and none of them have a battery for your car in stock."
"Really?"
"Yup. At least this one guarantees they'll have one as soon as they open up tomorrow morning."
"I see. So, what should we do? Do you think my car can at least get me home?"
"There'a a chance, but it's risky. Especially in this weather."
"So no?"
"I mean…I wouldn't suggest it."
"Right. So, what now?"
"I don't know. Maybe there's a chance one of the other big stores around here-"
"Dean. Dean."
"Yeah?"
"You're so adorable. Dean, come on."
"Come on what?"
"Is there any chance I could just…spend the night?"
"Ohh…."
"It's completely up to you. Figured I just shoot my shot."
"Um…well…"
"I can get a taxi or Uber, it's fine. At this point I'm taking advantage of you, I'm sorry and-"
"No no no, nothing to do with that."
"No? Then…."
"I'm just not sure if I have enough coffee."
I started raiding the fridge.
If we weren't willing to drive in this weather, I didn't want some teenager in his parents car driving it in either just for a pizza.
"Hey Nikki."
"Yeah?"
"How does…uh…leftover spaghetti and chicken parm sound?"
"Sounds incredible. Where did you get it from?"
"I made it actually."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Grocery store had the stuff on sale, but it was one of those sales where you had to buy all four of everything."
"Shit, sounds good to me. If you don't mind."
"Absolutely."
A couple reheated plates later, we were both sat down on the couch in front of the TV.
After nitpicking what to watch, we landed on try not to laugh videos.
After Nikki lost three videos in a row, our plates were empty and our drinks were dry.
"I'll take your plate Nikki."
"No no no, I can at least clean up. Sit sit sit, gimme yours."
"No I got it, really."
"I said sit. Let me clean up at least."
She forcefully grabbed our dishes and bottles and brought them over to the sink.
As she washed them, I browsed the internet for some more videos.
"Hey Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"Is it okay if I have one of these lemonades?"
"Which ones?"
"The spiked ones."
"Oh, my drinking juices."
"You're fucking- what?"
"My drinking- you know what, grab me one too."
"Alright."
She grabbed a grape and a lemon one, handing me the lemon.
"Thank you."
"No, thank you Dean. Cheers."
"Cheers."
We clinked our bottles and took our first sips.
"So Dean."
"So Nikki."
"Tell me something."
"What's up?"
"How many girls have you had in your apartment before?"
"That would be…none."
"You serious?"
"Unfortunately."
"I'm still struggling to believe that."
"It's not like I can prove it, but it is true. I've rarely had any kind of company before."
"Why?"
"Well I don't have any family around since I moved here, and I really don't have any friends besides you and Becky."
"And how long have you been here?"
"A handful of years. Ever since I started this job."
"And not a single person has been here except you?"
"Nope."
"So you tell me. Are you lying or are you a serial killer?"
"Am I what or a what?"
"Nothing, nothing. I just don't get it."
"Get what?"
"You."
"Me?"
"Yeah, you."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I don't get you."
I don't understand you.
"Fuck-"
"Dean?"
"Ye-yeah?"
"Is your head hurting?"
"Uhh…just a little."
"Is it one of those headaches again?"
"I…think so. But it isn't as bad as last time."
"Dude, something is wrong. You need to get that checked out."
"I will. I don't think it's anything serious though."
"These sudden quick headaches? They absolutely can be serious. It could be a tumor or something!"
"Don't…come on. Don't start scaring me with that."
"I should! Why do they keep happening?"
"I don't know."
"Well does anything specific happen when they do?"
"Not…that I know of."
"Well think. Maybe there is something."
"Uhhh….I only seem to have them when I am talking to someone else."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"That's weird."
"Yeah. And when I think back to them, it's like…someone says something but then I…hear it again."
"You hear it again?"
"Yeah, like…it echoes. In a…deeper voice."
"Whoa. Like just now?"
"Yup. Just now."
"That's…. Alright, I have no idea what that is."
"Me neither."
"What about the hallucination?"
"The what?"
"You said when Becky was climbing on top of you, you said you were hallucinating?"
"Oh right. I mean, I wasn't…I don't think I was."
"Dean."
"Look, for a second, she looked like…some big shadow or something. I thought it was just because of the lighting."
"She looked like a shadow?"
"Yeah, that's all I remember."
"Jesus."
"That was the worst one. But that's all I got."
"Man. Headaches, echoes, and shadows. You sure you don't have a tumor?"
"I mean I can't fully deny it but I'd like to doubt it."
"Same here. So why do you think it just triggered again?"
"I don't know."
"What did you hear?"
"All I heard was what you said. That you don't understand me."
"That's not what I said."
"Uhh..yes it is."
"Noooo it's not."
"What did you say then?"
"I said I don't 'get' you."
"No you…well isn't that the same thing?"
"It's not what I said nonetheless."
"Alright, alright."
"So now your headaches are putting words in other peoples mouths?"
"I guess. I should put them in time out."
"I should put you in time out for not taking this seriously."
"I am, I am."
"Do you not wanna talk about it?"
"No, it's not that…I…I mean there's other things I'd rather talk about, yes, but I should talk about the headaches. Especially since with how recent they started."
"I agree. At best, I don't know, could just be a stress thing with the new project and what's going on with Becky. At worst…well… something really bad."
"Yeah."
"Wouldn't hurt to make one phone call to a single doctor. Or therapist. Or a psychiatrist maybe?"
"I guess. I'll definitely try one."
"Cool."
"But what do you think Becky has to do with this?"
"Huh?"
"You said stress with the project and Becky. You think she has something to do with it?"
"If whatever 'this' is happens to be stress, then yes. Absolutely."
"How come?"
"How come? How come?! Dean!"
"What?"
"The things she is saying to you, the things she's doing to you, the way she has been treating you. Do you seriously not see a connection there?"
"Not…. Until…"
"Dean, I really want you out of this blissful little idiot thing. For your own good."
"It's not like I'm doing it on purpose Nikki. I don't wanna be a blissful little idiot, nor am I trying to be."
"Then let's be real, do you really think none of this involves Becky?"
"I…"
"Are you just covering for her?"
"No, I…"
"Why are you so against blaming her?"
"Because I never try to-"
"To what?"
"To… use anybody as an excuse. It's my life, what happens to me only has to do with what I choose."
"Dean, that isn't true."
"And why isn't it?"
"The people around you have so much more impact on your life than you realize. And no offense, there doesn't seem to be that many in the first place. Making anyone you let in that much more…I don't know… important."
"…"
"You can admit it, maybe Becky means more to you than you think."
"She, I mean she-"
"Be honest, do you like her?"
"What?"
"Do you like her?"
"Yeah, she's a cool person when she isn't-"
"Dean, what does she mean to you?"
What do I mean to you?
"Jesus-"
"Oh no, again?!"
"Yeah, just a small one."
"Okay, we'll drop it."
"No no, it's…"
"Dean?"
"She…she does mean a lot to me. She does. But not like… in any romantic way or something."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, very. She is pretty, smart, hardworking, albeit quirky. But I'm not attracted to her at all. If that makes sense."
"Yeah, it does. See her as like a sister or something?"
"I… can't really say that either. Honestly, our relationship, whatever it is, is too complicated for even me to think about. It's why I liked it better when it was much more simple."
"Fair enough. I can get behind that."
"She was simpler, work was simpler, everything was simpler. Not too long ago."
"You got that right. It's why I don't bother with shit like that anymore."
"Coworkers?"
"No, just like relationships in general."
"General?"
"Yeah. I don't really have many friends or family to talk to too anymore. And before you say 'oh that's sad' it's fine, trust me."
"Are you-"
" 'Are you sure about that?' Yes. I am. It's kind of by choice."
"You choose it?"
"Yeah. I get by, but the freedom of it all is the best part."
"Okay William Wallace, what freedom?"
"From a lot of things. Obligations, judgments, drama, the list goes on and on. I've had enough of just being used, you know?"
"I hear you."
"I get to just be me, and do whatever. No one to get in the way."
"I get that. And you don't mind it?"
"Mmm. I mean, don't get me wrong. There's times where I wish I had to someone fall back on. I can't fully support myself all the time, whether it be money or emotional and whatnot."
"Right."
"But knowing I can get by all by myself, struggles and all, keeps me going until the next struggle. Don't have to rely on someone else."
"I hear you. And being a camgirl does that for you?"
"Mmm. I guess."
"You guess?"
"It fits the bill right now."
"Fits the bill?"
"Yeah. It's not like I 'want' to, but you know. Gotta pay them bills."
"So, you don't like it?"
"No, well, no…well yes but…I…"
"But?"
"It…its a compromise. I'm decent at it, pay is good enough, it gives me the freedom I like, and shit like that. "
"I…can understand that. But you aren't saying you like it."
"Dean, please? I really don't like talking about it."
"I won't press you. But-"
"Shh. I know. I know."
"Alright. Alright. Here, want another juice?"
"Sure."
"So tell me, why are they called your thinking juices?"
"They help me think."
"Oh thanks Einstein."
"Here you go."
"Thank you sir. So, 'how' do they help you think shithead?"
"I drink these when I need ideas. The varieties of colors and flavors help me think of different words and adjectives and sometimes they spark ideas."
"Oh okay, I hear you. Gimme an example."
"Example? Okay, um…oh, got one. So, on our second story, we needed to think of some kind of chase scene. And I wanted something unique."
"A unique chase."
"Yup. So, I was torn between either a creature or vehicle or setting, or whatever. I drank a couple of these, and at one point I drank a blackberry one. It was pretty tart, which I thought was weird because normally the darker drinks are smoother."
"Okay."
"So I was looking at the color of the juice, and the color of it reminded me of the ocean but at night."
"Oh?"
"And from there, I came up with this scene of a jet ski chase out in the water at nighttime, but it was illuminated with colorful jellyfish."
"No way! That's so cool! I really wanna see it now!"
"I'm bound to have a copy of it somewhere."
"Show me later, show me later."
"Got'cha."
"So, what about the one you are drinking now? Any ideas?"
"Well I'm not looking for any at the moment."
"What about that sample thing you need?"
"What samp- ah shit! I completely forgot about it!"
"Oh no, I've completely taken up your whole day! Dean, I'm so-"
"No no no, you're good. You're good. Becky hasn't even texted me all day, I still have time. I'll crunch it tomorrow."
"Man, I feel so bad right now. I threw a wrench in your schedule."
"Nope, not at all Nikki. No need to be sorry."
"You sure? Can I help in any way?"
"Help?"
"Yeah. With the story, or something."
"Uhh…"
"Here, here. You said it has to be a sex scene right?"
"Yeah, that's right. It started with the spooning, and then the cowgirl."
"Go on, start writing."
"Uhh…huh?"
"Go on! Start writing it, I'll help along the way."
"Uhh…"
"Oh come on, what?"
"Nothing, nothing, I'm just not sure how well I can work like that."
"Right, right. Superman over here."
"You know what, how about this. Here."
"What's this?"
"A copy of our first comic."
"A Raven's Bleeding Wings? Whoa, gnarly."
"Skim through that while I work on a little something."
"Sounds good to me."
"Alright, I think I got something here."
"Take your time Dean, I'm taking mine with this."
"It's been like…two hours."
"Fuck, really?"
"Yeah, looks like it."
"Damn. Alright, let's take a peak."
"No promises it's any good."
"Let's see about that."
I leaned away from the computer, letting her hover over me to look at what I typed so far.
"Mind if i just hop in your chair quickly?"
"Oh yeah, absolutely."
I hopped out of the chair and she scooted right in.
"I'm gonna head to the bathroom while you gander at that."
"You got it."
I went to the bathroom with three or four juices to unload.
I turned on the light, and felt a small dampness on my foot.
Looking down, I can see a mildly wet pile of clothes in the corner.
"Oh right, that's Nikki's. That's where she put them."
I did my business, which lasted longer than usual, and went over to wash my hands.
I scrubbed them clean, and only then did I realize I forgot to get a clean hand towel after my last load of laundry.
"Ah shit."
Toilet paper it is.
I grabbed a big wad of it and dried my hands.
I went to toss the wad into the small trash can, and horribly missed it.
Wet toilet paper follows it own laws of physics, it wasn't my fault.
The blob plopped right on the floor, right next to Nikki's piles of clothes.
I bent over to pick it up, and that's when I thought I saw something sticking out of the pile.
My first immediate thought was 'Snake!' Followed quickly by 'Spider!'
But I looked again, rationally this time.
She folded her wet clothes into a neat clean pile, but the few lone strands that landed outside the lines is what triggered my fight or flight instincts.
I had to confirm what I saw wasn't a venomous predator, so I looked again much more calmly.
The strands expanded into odd shapes, shapes that wouldn't fit nicely into a proper square of folded clothes.
It only a took a second, but the lone strands obviously belonged to a pair of bra and panties.
"Ah okay."
Duh Dean. Way to overreact.
Right, because most pairs of bras and panties look like snakes and spiders when you look quickly.
It's obvious what happened. She was wet, so obviously her underwear was wet. So when she got changed, she obviously took those off too.
Simple. All she did was…
…
…
…
She's not wearing any underwear right now?
"Dean! You okay in there?"
"Yeah! Coming out now."
I stepped outside the bathroom, trying to make it as obvious as I could I wasn't looking at her underwear.
"You good?"
"Yeah yeah, just had to dry my hands with toilet paper."
"Uh-huh. Hey, is it okay if I have another juice?"
"Sure, gimme a sec."
I went over to the fridge, quickly noticing a lack of vibrant bottles.
Damn, did we really drink all of them?
Normally this many juices in, I'm at least tipsy. But I'm guessing the writing kept me sober.
Tucked away in the corner were a couple old regular light beer bottles, and besides some whiskey barbecue sauce, seemed to be the only source of alchohol left.
"All I got is some beer left, that okay?"
"Sure."
I grabbed two bottles and headed over, popping them open as I got there.
"Thank you sir."
"So, what do you think?"
"What do I think? I think you're an incredible writer."
"Well thank you so much."
"Like, you are able to paint these scenes so vividly, it's gorgeous. And these characters feel so natural and real."
"Aww, stop. I'm blushing."
"But."
"And now I'm not blushing."
"But."
"But what? No buts, come on."
"But, albeit unsurprsingly, the intimate stuff is really…uh…"
"Shitty?"
"No, just…"
"Really shitty?"
"It's…weird."
"Weird?"
"Yeah like…I know what you were going for, but the descriptions really…took me out of the moment."
"So shitty?"
"Not shitty. Stop saying that."
"Give me an example."
"Okay, like…here. Talking about what her belly felt like."
"What about it?"
" 'A velvet pouch barely filled'?"
"….yeah?"
"Dean, unless you're spooning Bigfoot, skin doesn't feel like velvet."
"No? I thought velvet was smooth."
"Yeah, for a fabric."
"…so?"
"And 'barely filled'? Barely filled with what?"
"It just means she's skinny."
"That's not what it comes off as. It make it sound like her belly has a zipper and is literally filled with something."
"Well, arguably it-"
"Shut."
"Well the-"
"The."
"Fuck up, yeah yeah, shut the fuck up. I get it."
"Honestly, does it sound sexy to you? A velvet pouch?"
"Well it sounds like…uh…"
"Like what?"
"I mean, it sounds sophisticated. Doesn't it?"
"No. Just using the word 'velvet' doesn't make it sophisticated. Do you really need me to tell you that?"
"I…don't know other sophisticated words to use here Nikki."
"I can tell."
"It seems right, plus the readers won't even know I used the word-"
"For the love of- here."
"Whoa whoa, what are you doing."
"Touch my belly. Come on."
"Nuh-uh, put your shirt down please."
"I'm not showing you anything, come on."
"Nope."
"Dean."
"I'd really rather not. Can't you just touch it yourself?"
"I'm not the author."
"That doesn't-"
"Please?"
"P-Please?"
"Yes, please? Please touch my belly?"
"Why the fuck would-"
"So you know what it feels like dummy. So you can describe it."
"I-I-I get that but-"
"It's alright. I want you to."
"You…what?"
"I want you to touch my belly."
Why won't you touch me?!
"…"
"Dean?"
"…"
"Dean?"
"Okay…o-okay."
"Okay. Take your time. It's okay."
"…"
"…"
"…there. I touched it."
"Dean, you poked me."
"It counts."
"No it doesn't."
"I touched your belly. It counts."
"Okay, fine. Describe it then."
"….uh…it felt…like…"
"You wanna say velvet pouch, don't you?"
"Yeee…no?"
"Here. Dean. I understand something like this is awkward for you."
"Do you?"
"I do, and I realize I'm being too pushy."
"You're not, it's-"
"I am. Especially since something like this just happened to you with Becky."
"Oh…yeah…"
"But I promise you, this is just an excercise. It's research, it's practice. For the story. For your story."
"I…I get that but-"
"Don't be afraid Dean. There's nothing to be scared of."
"…"
"I'm willing to help you through this. No judgement, nothing. I want you to be able to make this a good story."
"…"
"I'm not pranking or fooling you, if that's what you're nervous about."
"…"
"It's okay. It's okay."
"…a-alright."
"Here, give me your hand."
"Why?"
"I'll help you. It's okay."
"…"
"Spread your fingers."
"…"
"Okay, there you go. You're on."
"…"
"See? It's okay."
"…"
"Now go on. Move your hand around, squeeze a little bit."
"…"
"Mmm. Don't mind me. Just tickles a little bit."
"…umm…"
"Yes, you can keep doing it. Do it as long as you want."
"…"
"You know…you can use both hands if you want."
"…really?"
"Yup."
"…okay."
"There you go-ah."
"Sorry! I didn't-"
"No no no, keep your hands there. Keep them there. It's fine. Your other hand was just…cold. That's all."
"…you sure?"
"Yes, absolutely."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…so…what do you think Dean?"
"…um…"
"Is it fun?"
"…fu…huh?"
"You seem happy. It feels kind of good too."
"…uhh…"
"Your hands are warming up, it's making me feel-"
"Okay, I'm done."
"Wha- huh? You-you sure?"
"Yeah. Yeah…uh…yeah."
"Oh, okay. Umm…so what did it feel like to you?"
"Umm…sorry I gotta write it down before I forget it all."
"Oh, sure. Yeah. I get that."
"Gimme one sec, I'm sorry."
"No no, no worries. Man, you're scribbling away over there."
"Uh…yup."
"Got what you needed?"
"…yeah…I think so."
"Cool. Cool."
"…almost….done…"
"Got'cha."
"And there. Cool, I'll use all of this when I rewrite it later."
"Sweet. Can I see-"
"No!"
"Whoa whoa, easy. Why not?"
"Uh…just…uh…"
"Damn Dean, what did you write?"
"Nothing! I mean…not n-nothing, I obviously wrote something, it's just..uh…it's just that I-"
"Shh. Shh."
"…"
"What is it Dean?"
"It's just…weird. Describing…you. And then you reading it, I just…"
"I'm not sure I follow."
"It's like if…I drew you instead. But I drew you..I don't know…naked. It feels weird if you see it."
"What, you feel like a creep?"
"…Yeah. Kind of."
"Dean, you big goof, I told you to do it. It's not creepy."
"Still feels like it."
"It's not like you're getting caught doing something."
"It's hard to not feel like that."
"Alright, alright. Can I at least read the final product?"
"Sure."
I grabbed my notes and sat down at the computer.
I took a big swig of my beer before finding my place to restart.
"Whoa whoa whoa."
She dragged my chair away from the desk, with me in it.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Uh….writing?"
"What about the other parts?"
"The other parts?"
"Yeah dude. It wasn't just the belly touching that wasn't great."
"Shit."
"Come on, scoot out of the way."
She kicked me aside, shuffling me across the floor like a hockey puck.
She went back over to the computer and dragged the story back down.
"Like, here. This part."
I kicked myself back to the desk.
"Which one?"
"Starting here. 'She scaled onto him, groin first.' "
"Uh-huh."
She scrolled further down.
" 'And then her hips deescalated down like an oil drill.' "
"Mm-hmm."
She scrolled down again.
" 'Wales of pleasure, a banshee cry releasing what her body couldn't contain.' "
"That's bad?"
And she scrolled all the way to bottom.
" 'The finale grinding their teeth, combining them into one solid unit, sharing the same heart.' "
"Oh come on, that's not that terrible."
She did a very slow turn towards me, turning her whole body in unison and not turning her neck.
" 'Not that terrible'? Dean. 'Not that terrible?' "
"Uhhh…yes?"
She stared at me.
She wasn't breathing or even blinking.
"Okay, Nikki, you're scaring the hell out of me."
And just like that she loosened up and acted human again.
"Good."
"Well what's up? I can understand it's not amazing, but is it really that awful?"
"Yes."
"Fuck me."
"Dean, you're writing cowgirl like it's a murder. Like, one or both of them are dying."
"No I'm…."
I took a glance at the pages.
"…not? Shit, alright. I am."
"Well at least he realizes."
"Who what realizes?"
"No no, you're he."
"He?"
"I was talking in- nevermind."
"Oh, got'cha."
"Alright, we need to work on this badly."
"Okay, well, how would you describe-"
"Dean."
"Yeah?"
"Do you just forget the last few minutes occasionally?"
"Not that I recall-"
Huh. Alright, maybe I should get that checked out too.
"Dean. Before we start playing this game, let's just cut to the chase."
She stood up straight, looming over me in the chair.
"What I'd like you to do, is go lie down on the bed. And then, clothes on, I'll get on top of you."
She leaned down, her hands gripping onto the arm rests.
"I'll move a little bit, while you sit still. And then you can tell me what it feels like."
She bent over lower, becoming eye level with me.
"No sex, no holding you down, just my weight on top of you."
Her eyes became bigger, she was getting closer to me.
The closer she got, the softer she whispered.
"You can back out anytime. I'm not forcing you."
The chair creaked, my eyes blinked, and my heart thumped.
"Okay?"
She can't be serious!
But there's nothing more I want right now!
She's lying.
Why would she lie?
You shouldn't do this.
This isn't normal.
She's messing with you.
But she isn't wearing underwear.
This is wrong.
She isn't worth it.
You'll never get this opportunity again.
Why not?
You aren't worth her time.
You could feel everything.
She'll hate you if you say yes.
She'll hate you if you say no.
What if this turns into something more?
What if this becomes nothing else?
Why would she do this?
She must like you.
She doesn't like you.
She'll never like you.
What if she loves you?
You love her.
She complicates everything.
You love her.
She'll destroy everything.
You love her.
It won't be reciprocated.
You love her.
You're worthless.
You're nothing.
You don't deserve her.
You don't deserve anything she's done for you.
There is nothing worse you can do to someone.
Don't love her.
You love her.
Don't love her. It'll ruin her life.
You love her.
Don't.
Don't.
It's not love.
It's lust.
It's true.
It's genuine.
You love her.
You love the idea of her.
You love who she is.
You only love the things she's done.
You won't be alone.
You're better off alone.
No.
Yes.
Don't.
Yes.
You can't.
Yes.
You won't.
You love her.
You shouldn't.
You love her.
No.
Yes.
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
Stop!
Yes!
Stop!
Yes!
Don't say-
…
…
…
…
"Y-yes."
Without another word, only a smile, she gently took a hold of my wrists and stood me up out of the chair.
Guiding me only a few steps backwards towards my bed.
She slowly twirled me around as if we were dancing, backing me up onto the mattress.
I sat down, never breaking my eye contact with her.
She placed both of her open palms on my chest, and pushed.
She whispered to me
"Up against the headboard, okay?"
I inched back, leaning up against the bed.
Sitting up, my legs sprawled out.
She started crawling onto the bed, reaching out with her arms and hands first.
Crawling across to the center, towards my feet.
With her whole body in sight, my loose clothes dangling down from her, she turned towards me.
I wanted to look everywhere. Every inch of her that was exposed.
But yet, I was content staring into her blue eyes.
Slowly, she crawled hand over hand to me.
One hand in between my legs, the next outside.
She followed the pattern all the way the length of my legs, the final hand resting as close as it could without touching me.
Keeping her hand planted there, she brought the rest of her body to a kneeling position.
"Are you ready?"
My jaw was trembling from the moment she grabbed my wrists.
Unable to support the weight of my words.
I couldn't answer back, so I nodded instead.
"Are you sure?"
Despite how patient she was with me, I wasn't with myself.
If I didn't answer immediately, I knew I could convince myself to say no.
So I nodded again.
"Okay. We'll take this nice and slow, okay?"
She raised her planted hand, barely grazing me as she did.
And that slight accidental graze was all it took to send a cold shock up my body.
I could feel the blood in my veins rush, the warm flow thawing the rest of me.
But I knew where the blood was going, and I had to look away from her for a second to see.
The pressure growing and growing, unsure if she noticed it or not.
But as her hand lowered again, it seemed to be heading straight for it.
I shuffled backwards, trying to escape and hide. Forgetting I was already up against the wall.
I could feel the pillows I was perched on, giving me the idea to grab one to cover myself with.
"What are you-"
I could feel the blood down there, and the blood in my cheeks.
The embarrassment still trying to break me free.
But all it could do was turn my head and vision away. Trying to keep it out of sight and out of my mind, as pointless as it seemed.
But with one ear pointed at her, I could feel her whisper to me
"I get it. It's okay. We can use the pillow."
Without drawing my attention back to her, I could feel her begin to adjust herself.
"If anything bothers you, tell me. If you want me to stop, tell me."
One thigh rested atop of mine, comfortably sinking it into the mattress.
But as my thigh went down, the pressure next to it went further up.
I strained myself, trying to push the pillow down harder.
On the back of my hands, I could feel her pants brush my skin.
They were light and soft, still oversized and dangling from her legs.
But with my eyes looking off into the distance, I had to instead imagine what was happening.
The next thigh began to be weighted down, leveling out my body.
But the pillow was getting more and more difficult to keep pressed down.
But then, my body began to sink even further.
I thought and imagined she was on top, I thought this was it.
But as I was pressed further down, it was obvious she was only just starting to put her weight fully on me.
Her pants still resting on the back of my hands, I could barely feel them stretch as her legs spread apart.
I could feel her breathe in as the air seemed to freeze by my ear.
But as she whispered, her soft words were warm.
"You don't have to move your hands if you don't want to. But I might crush them."
I gripped the pillow with my hands as strong as I could, the compromise gritting my teeth.
She didn't move for a moment, but soon her decent continued.
I didn't trust the pillow by itself to keep me hidden, but the thought of my hands touching or being close to her made me not trust myself.
Suddenly, her weight transitioned from just on my lap to my knuckles.
My nervous reflexes didn't offer me a choice, snatching my hands away immediately.
I had to look towards her to match my reflexes, not knowing where to put my hands.
As I turned my head, I dragged my hands down to the sides, the only area that felt free.
Turning my head, my own imagination and predication failing me.
I thought she'd be further away.
I thought I would be able to see all of her.
But as I faced her for the first time, all I could see was the cavern her loose shirt made.
Staring straight down the entirety of her chest, a canyon of moist pale skin.
But before my thoughts could clash, she dropped.
Everything my brain was fighting over was squeezed out of me in a small yelp.
All I could feel now was where she was on top of me.
Her pressing down, me pushing back up.
Snapping like a predator, she leaned forward.
Her arms reaching around my head, her hands pressing my face into her shoulder.
"You're okay. You're okay."
With a cupped hand, I could feel her stroke my hair.
"Breathe. You're okay."
For the moment she let go, I took a deep breath in.
My lungs expanding, pressing my chest into hers.
And as she stroked down, I released my breath.
But in the moment I felt separated from her as I did.
She let go again, so I began to inhale.
Focusing more on what I could feel and smell as I did.
Her hand stroked down again as I exhaled.
But this time, she relaxed further onto me. Not allowing us to separate at all.
In between my own, I can feel and hear her take deep breaths of her own.
The room fell silent.
No creaks from the bed, no ambience from outside.
Sitting there, the only thing I could hear was her breathe. The only thing I can smell was her skin. The only thing I can feel was her in her entirety.
She whispered
"I'm not scaring you, am I?"
I can feel her hold me tighter.
"You're so warm and still. I hope I'm not."
She spread out her fingers, gently gripping a handful of my hair.
"I'm going to let go now. So I can lean back and look at you. Okay?"
Focusing so much on my breathing, I easily took for granted how comfortable I became.
Forgetting how nervous I was, forgetting how uncomfortable I made myself.
I didn't want to move or speak, I wanted nothing to change.
But I had to answer back, nodding my head once being my only option.
Slowly, her fingers released from my hair.
Her arm unfolded around my neck.
She rested her hands on the tops of my shoulders, using them as leverage to lean herself back.
I thought letting her go would feel harder to do.
But being able to see her again kept me as calm and warm as she did moments ago.
Her eyes and hair a matching shade of blue, her cheeks and nose as pink as a flower.
She spoke to me, just as softly as she did besides my ear.
"Are you okay?"
If I spoke, I'd feel different,
If I nodded my head, I'd feel different.
My only way to tell her was to not hold back my smile anymore.
She smiled back at me, shuffling one of her hands up my shoulder to my cheek.
"Good."
With a couple passes of her thumb on my skin, she said
"So what does it feel like so far? Do you like it?"
I smile wouldn't answer her question, but neither would a nod.
But I still didn't have the right words to say.
My eyes fluttered, looking for a way to answer back.
But instead, she laughed and said
"Too shy to say?"
She laughed, and kept petting my cheek.
"I'm glad you're okay with this Dean. I was worried with what happened earlier, you might not have wanted this."
My eyes looked away for a second, trying to find a canvas somewhere in my vision to paint the memory.
"But I'm so happy you trust me. So happy you trust me with this."
She smiled, tilting her head.
"You can stay there, and don't have to say a word."
The other hand glided down my shoulder the other way, teasing my arm with one finger all the way down to my wrist.
Every hair on my arm sticking up as it passed.
Her other fingers wrapped around my wrist, barely forming a grip on it.
"Here, put your hands on me."
She lifted my hand up, resting it on her hip.
"Now the other one."
She let go of my cheek, dragging her fingers down to my other wrist.
Guiding it up to her hip on the opposite side.
"There. You okay?"
I knew where my hands were, I could feel her firm body in my grasp.
But as long as she kept looking at me, nothing else in this moment felt relevant.
"Okay. Now, I need you to lift me."
I squeezed her a little tighter, but wasn't sure what to do then.
"Just a little bit. Hold me like you are, and just raise me a little."
As I squeezed a little tighter, I could feel my arms tighten up, becoming tight like a rope.
Flexing my shoulders and elbows, I could see her slightly elevate above me.
Her hands came back to my face, cradling my cheeks.
"Thank you."
She leaned in, touching the tip of her nose to mine.
She whispered, even softer than before.
"I need you to trust me even more, okay?"
She blinked, keeping her eyes closed.
"I'm gonna do something, because I think it'll help you."
Her eyes opened again.
"Just please remember to tell me to stop, okay?"
Both thumbs stroked my cheeks, from the bridge of my nose all the way my ears.
She whispered, even softer,
"Okay?"
Another few strokes on my cheeks, her eyes shining my reflection.
"I need you to say it. Please say it."
I can feel my heart pulse, forming something inside.
Whatever it was, it was warm and dry. But it was smooth.
I can feel it start in my chest, moving up into my neck.
It felt large, like it was bulging out.
But it kept moving up, before I could feel it at the back of my throat.
It began to feel swollen, and it started stretching out my jaw.
I didn't fight it, I let it come out.
As large as it felt, it came out as a weak and raspy.
A puff of air, sincerely, quietly saying back
"Okay."
She closed her eyes, the tips of her smile reaching them.
The tip of her nose slid past mine, her face getting even closer.
Her face eclipsed my vision, shutting my eyes completely.
I could feel her nose, I could feel her breathe on my lips.
Her breathes getting warmer, and thicker.
A familiar puff of air of her own embracing my mouth
"Okay."
Her lips tickling mine as she spoke, but did not progress further.
She took off one of her hands, but that's all I could tell.
My eyes were still closed, all I really cared about was what I could feel on my body and in my hands.
She brought her hand back up, right back onto my cheek.
Her lips feeling even closer, she barely said
"Okay. Here we go."
I could feel her body slowly shift, not further away but down.
Down.
Down.
Down until…
…
Where…
Where…
….
Where's the pillow?
Where is the pillow?!
Where is the-
She - she - ShE - sHe
I can feel - I can feel - I cAn FeEl - i CaN fEeL
Her - Her - HeR - hEr
ShE cAn - sHe CaN - She can - She Can
Feel Me - FeEl Me - Feel Me - fEeL mE
Good - wRonG - Too Much - sCArEd
Stop - hArdEr - Get off - wHy
Please - Please - Please - Please
Yes - No - Fuck - Help
You're the same - You're no different - I hate you - I love you
Wait - Wait - Wait - Wait
Who - Who - Who - Who
That's not - That's not - That's not - That's not
You're Not Nikki - Who are you - I remember you - It's Me
"Dean? Dean?"
"I…I…"
"Is it your head?"
"I….need…"
"Oh my god, oh my god, okay, okay, um…"
"Get…off…"
"Wh-what?"
"Get off!"
"O-okay…"
"Get off of me!"
"I am!"
"Get the fuck off of me!"
"I am off of you!"
"Get off-!"
I can feel my neck snap.
The excruciating sting in my head shifted to my cheek, vibrating itself into a steady burn.
I gained my vision back, being welcomed to a normal dark room.
And sitting in front of me was Nikki.
One tear puddling under her eye, breathing heavily through her nose, and her right hand poised over her left shoulder.
I don't know what happened before or what was happening.
But I know what just happened.
She slapped me as hard as she could.
"Nikki…I-"
"S-shut up…just shut up."
"Nikki please I-"
"You fucking asshole."
"No..no I-"
"I can't…fucking believe I…I…"
Everything on her body shifted down.
Her head, her shoulders, and her hands.
She nearly collapsed in on herself as she started crying.
As her tears fell onto my bed, the moonlight made them sparkle.
Like fallen stars, each of them a wasted wish.
"Nikki..I…I don't know what happened."
She didn't respond.
Instead, bringing her fists up to her eyes to try and rub what she was feeling away.
"I remember you…it was…but then…"
"You freaked the fuck out on me. I was just…just…"
Her pained breaths interrupting her.
"I wanted you to…to…feel better…all I…I…did was take off the fucking pillow…"
I saw the pillow in question off to the side of the bed.
Reminding me that was the last thing I remember before it happened again.
"I wasn't…wasn't…going to…to…do anything but…but…"
"I know Nikki. I know."
"You…you said…you trusted me…you said…"
"I know I did. I still do."
"Bullshit."
"No, Nikki. I really-"
"If you trust me so much then why the fuck did you yell at me?"
"Yell at you?"
"Yes!"
She slammed her fists into the bed, staring at me with her red and puffy eyes.
" 'Get the fuck off of me.' Is exactly what you said. What, you forget that too?"
"I…when-"
"Gonna blame that shit on your 'headache' too?"
"But Nikki I-"
"How fucking convenient for you."
"No, I-"
"You aren't different at all, are you? You're just some slimy little fuck absolutely terrified of women who-"
"I'm not making it up."
"What?"
"I'm not making the headaches up Nikki."
"Yeah, right. Because you aren't the only one that happens to get headaches and fucking hallucinations whenever anyone tries to fucking get close to you."
"I'm not saying I'm…what?"
"Oh let me guess, you forgot what I just said and-"
"Stop, please. Nikki, please. I just…"
"Just what?! Just what Dean!?"
"You…were..trying to-"
"Get close to you?! Is that what you're fucking asking me?"
"…"
"Yeah, right. Because everybody, literally fucking everybody climbs onto peoples laps and dry humps them so they can write some fucking bullshit story. Why didn't I think of that before I tried…being…"
She grabbed the pillow and threw it at me as hard as she could. The momentum of her throw bringing her facedown into the bed, forcing her to tears again.
"Or what is it…is it…that made what the fuck this was normal Dean?"
She looked back up at me, quivering.
"Do you think camgirls just do this all…all…all day? It's normal? I have nothing better to…to…to do than just…just…"
She turned away from me, hanging her legs off of the bed.
"I'm just a whore…a slut that…that…"
She had to cry into her palms.
She had no more words.
And I had nothing to say.
Nothing worth saying.
I wanted to apologize. I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to try and make her believe I wasn't making anything up.
And yet, I managed to push her away when she couldn't be closer to me.
Just like that.
I had things to say. Apologies, pleases, so many words. And I meant every single one of them.
But they didn't mean anything to her. They were empty and worthless.
Just like me.
I stayed still.
I didn't move a muscle until she was done.
I hated seeing her cry, it broke me knowing I did that to her.
But watching someone hurt was just the start of the punishment I deserved.
I didn't want to move and scare her.
I didn't want to make her mad.
Where I was and what I was doing kept her in that spot.
So I wasn't taking that chance.
Eventually, her breaths calmed down.
I could hear her muffled sniffles from the palms of her hands.
I still didn't budge.
She took a massive breath in, before dropping her hands into her lap.
Her face moist and red from her tears and her nose.
She was staring at the ground, letting her breath back out.
Once her breath was done, she shot me a sharp glance from the corner of her eyes.
"What are you fucking looking at?"
I moved for the first time, moving my head and glance away from her.
I could hear her sniffle again, wiping her face with her sleeve.
"Go on. Just….say whatever you want to say."
Her voice was nasally and rough.
Watching her cry, I thought of what to say if I ever got the chance.
I'm suprised she even gave me one.
"You…you can…"
I started moving, grabbing a single pillow and the top layer from my bed as I did.
"You can have the bed if you want it. I'll wake up early and fix the battery for you, and you can…"
I stepped off of the bed, and without even looking at her, I walked past her towards the couch.
"You can leave whenever you want."
My back to her, I started fixing up the couch.
"But if you'd rather me just jump it to get you home tonight, I will."
And that's all I had to say. It was all I thought needed.
I wanted to say more, but I figured anything else she wouldn't accept.
I sat on the couch, and leaned back.
Staring at nothing.
It's strange.
Speaking and talking out of defeat and embarrassment so easily.
It's like i've done it a thousand times before.
"Why…why won't you even look at me?"
I looked up at the TV, seeing her reflection.
"I figured you wouldn't want me to."
I looked back down.
"And that's it? That's all?"
I looked back up, she was leaning towards me.
"No. It's not."
"Then what else Dean?"
"Do you want me to say anything else?"
I could see her stop in her tracks.
She sat straight up, turning away from me.
I could see her fidget her thumbs.
"I…"
I can hear her take a deep breath in, and then right back out.
"I don't know."
She looked back towards me.
"I'm…so mad but yet…"
I can hear her grunt.
"I don't want…this…to..to…to just…"
She grunted again.
I can see her turn away and stare back at her hands.
The room fell silent.
And in the silence, my thoughts ran rampant.
Looking at her in the reflection, I can see another reflection next to her.
It was my computer screen, on the desk next to my bed.
Everything on my mind squeezed together into one uniform desire.
I need that computer, it was my only release right now.
"Umm…hey."
Without looking at me, she responded
"Hey."
"Is it okay if I use my computer?"
"For what?"
"To type. To write the story."
She looked at the computer, keeping her hands still for a moment.
She looked at me, and then right back to the computer.
"Yeah. That's fine."
"Thank you."
The computer loaded up, blinding me for a moment.
But once it faded into a dark Home Screen, my eyes adjusted quickly.
I quickly lowered all noises, lowered the brightness, and opened up the file we were working on earlier.
I skimmed through it, hating every word more and more.
The skimming got faster and faster, until I reached the end.
Without going over it, picking through for scraps, I deleted it instead.
Turning the screen into another blank slate.
I could hear Nikki next to me shuffle around, getting herself comfortable to fall asleep.
Without saying a word, I began.
I can see the characters in real time, I can hear their voices.
As they talked, their words aren't what I wanted them to be.
But instead their words are what they were supposed to be. I can hear and see them like they were actors in a movie, and I was just typing down what they were doing.
I could barely keep up with them, everything was happening so naturally.
If I knew i misspelled a word, or didn't capitalize an 'I', I didn't bother to quickly fix it.
I didn't stop, and neither did they.
The first intimate scene was just about to begin.
And I wasn't ready to hesitate, since I didn't need to.
"Hey."
But just like that, my fingers stopped.
None of them said that, who did?
"Hey, Dean."
Underneath the blanket was Nikki, poking her head out of her cocoon.
She was rubbing her eyes, moaning as she did.
"Yeah?"
"Your..your…uh…typing."
"I'm sorry, is it bothering you?"
"No no…"
She started crawling out of bed, propping herself up on her arm.
"It…it's actually helping me sleep."
She lowered herself down to her elbow.
"Do you…"
Her eyes fluttered, I can see her struggling to stay awake.
"Do you need help?"
"I'm all good Nikki. Thanks."
"O..okay."
She went all the way back down, facing me as she rested her head in the pillow.
"Please don't stop until I'm… i'm…"
Her eyes reluctantly shut all the way, her mouth still trying to speak.
I wanted to let her sleep, so I wanted to finish her sentance for her.
"Asleep?"
She didn't respond.
Her eyes didn't move, and all she did was calmly breathe.
I'm not sure what came over me, but for some reason I had to double check.
"Nikki?"
She said nothing,
I said it again, softer.
"Nikki?"
Nothing.
One more time, and even softer I said
"Nikki?"
All I could hear was her soft steady breaths, she was out.
"Goodnight Nikki."
I turned back towards the computer, my fingers grew restless and craving the keys.
But before I could start up again, something felt unfinished.
I felt like I forgot something, just now.
I looked at my hands, they were fine.
The keyboard was fine, the file was fine and recently saved.
But when I looked back at Nikki, blissfully sleeping this bumpy night away, I knew what it was.
And now that I had the opportunity to, I needed to do it.
Something I've been wanting to do for a while now.
As a whisper, I said to her
"Nikki, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't keep up with you."
I lowered my head, helping the words come out.
"I'm sorry that… I still can't step outside these… walls I built around myself."
I sat straight up, still keeping my head down.
"I'm so sorry that… for some reason I want you to be the one to tear down these walls."
I looked back up at her, still sleeping peacefully.
"I'm sorry that…for some reason…I…I…"
I can hear them again.
Battling over what I said next.
Over if I meant whatever I said next.
"I'm sorry that….that…"
It was a tug of war, and the rope was about to snap.
But one side planted their feet, and pulled.
Pulled and pulled, until they won.
"I'm sorry I… think… I think I…"
You don't love me.
"Fuck…"
Just type. It's all your good at.
"..f…fuck…"
Write your damn stories.
"….gah…Jesu-fuck….fuck…"
Type away you hopeless, pathetic, meaningless fuck.
"…..stop…stop…."
You're gonna die on that fucking keyboard.
"…please…stop…."
You're gonna die alone.
"….s-stop it…why won't you stop…"
Alone.
"…please…"
Alone.
"…I'm fucking begging you…"
Alone.
"Stop stop stop….make it stop…"
Alone.
"…alright…."
"Okay…"
"Alright."
"I will."
"I'll…write it. I'll write it."
Nikki was still asleep.
The voice was still silent.
My head was still ringing.
My heart was still pounding.
And yet, I found myself where I always seem to have found myself before.
Sitting in front a screen, a keyboard underneath my hands.
It doesn't matter who was in my bed, or how much agony I was in.
This was where I belonged.
This is where I will stay.
It's dark inside these walls, but they are familiar.
And there's only enough room for me. And whatever else is in here with me already.
I stretched out my fingers, ready to embrace the keys, and lose myself in a world that didn't belong to me.
A world I created in real time, that still had no room for me.
But a single tear got to the keyboard first.