A/N: Well, here's my human Perry AU! I'm going to attempt to cover each episode, but I won't be doing whole episodes. In fact, if a part of an episode's plot doesn't change with Perry being human rather than a platypus, I will probably not even cover that part and skip ahead to parts that do. I'll be mostly focusing on Perry's parts with the Flynn-Fletcher family as that changes the most with him being human, but sometimes the B-plot with Doof will be covered too, as it is in this first episode. Most chapters will likely just be from Perry's perspective, with the exception of maybe other teenagers such as Pinky, Candace, or Stacy or something. Idk, I haven't totally mapped it out yet. There will also be extra tidbits that go along with some episodes that I'll post as separate chapters, but not every episode will have one (some episodes might have multiple).
This is originally posted on AO3, where it is broken up into several parts. Here, I'll just be compiling all of it together in this post just to make it simpler.
It was the first day of summer, and Perry Fletcher was with his younger brothers sitting out underneath the tree in the backyard enjoying it. Perry and Ferb were contentedly reading books while Phineas reclined against the tree.
"So, Ferb, what do you want to do today?" Phineas asked.
Ferb shrugged and blinked.
"What about you, Perry? What do you want to do?" Phineas turned to his older step-brother.
"I'll probably have to go to my internship," Perry yawned.
"Oh, yeah, I guess you won't be able to do much," Phineas said. "I for one am starting to get bored, and boredom is something up with which I will not put. The first thing they're gonna ask us when we get back to school is what did we do over summer? I mean, no school for 3 months, our lives should be a rollercoaster! And I mean a good rollercoaster, not like that one we rode at the state fair."
Phineas and Ferb had a flashback to that horrendous rollercoaster.
"Man, that was lame. Why, if I built a rollercoaster, I would–" Phineas continued, "That's it! I know what we're gonna do today!"
Just then Mom came into the backyard announcing, "Boys, I'm gonna go pick up a few things. You boys stay out of trouble, ok?"
"Ok, Mom," Phineas replied brightly. Once she left, he turned back to Ferb and said, "We're gonna build a rollercoaster!"
Ferb gave him a thumbs-up.
"Let's go draw up the blueprints!" Phineas exclaimed, jumping up. Ferb set down his book and joined him, but Perry kept reading. As they walked to get the blueprint supplies, Perry could hear Candace talking to Mom from past the fence.
"I'm in charge, right? You did tell them when Perry leaves I'm in charge?" his sister asked.
"Relax, Candace. Nobody has to be in charge," Mom assured her.
"But what if there's an emergency?" Candace tried.
"Like what?" Just then, Phineas and Ferb returned with the blueprint supplies and a table, setting them down by the tree and getting started drawing them up. Perry kept reading his book.
"What if uh-" Candace paused. "What if a satellite falls out of orbit and crashes into the house?"
"If that happens, you're in charge," Mom conceded.
"Yes!" Candace cheered.
They then heard Mom drive away, and Candace started opening the backyard gate.
"Mom says I'm in charge conditionally when Perry leaves," Candace announced as she entered the backyard.
"Whatever," Phineas acknowledged her, barely looking up from his blueprint. Perry and Ferb just ignored her for the time being, working on other things.
"Wait a minute, what are you doing?" Candace asked.
"Homework," Phineas replied, which wasn't technically a lie. Phineas and Ferb were working on a rollercoaster so they could say they did something when they got back to school. Meanwhile, Perry was literally working on homework–the cons of going to a "special school" (OWCA) that didn't leave much time for real studying.
"It's summer," Candace pointed out.
"That's cool, you want til the last minute then," Phineas countered. He could be weirdly crabby when he was bored. Perry figured that crabbiness would subside as they got adjusted to summer.
"Well, I'm watching you," Candace said as she headed into the house. "And I'm in charge, conditionally!"
"Ok, I think the blueprints are ready!" Phineas announced. "Let's go get the supplies!"
Perry wasn't always sure how his younger brothers kept talking him into helping with their projects; he tended to end up hauling most of the stuff. Somehow, they only had to fill their tiny red wagon four times to get all their supplies. He wasn't sure what the fake flamingo and real live lion were for though.
After that, he didn't have much time to help them actually build it as his watch started beeping, indicating it was time for his mission. Discreetly, Perry slipped around to the side of the house. Once he was out of sight from everyone, he pulled his work outfit on quickly.
It consisted of teal slacks and dress shirt, an orange tie, and the most important part: a brown fedora. He could choose between a variety of outfits according to his tastes, but he absolutely had to wear his fedora while on duty as a secret agent. Perry also preferred to wear contacts when on duty rather than his regular glasses, as it was easier when fighting to not have to worry about them. The only part of his appearance he didn't change were his orange shoes - comfort was essential when fighting evil.
Ready to take his debriefing, Perry pulled out one of his various devices and pushed a button, which opened up a compartment in the side of the house. Perry stepped inside and pushed another button, which closed the compartment and lowered the lift down, coming to a stop at the ground of his secret lair. Perry ran down the stairs and over to his computer, where the screen displayed INCOMING MESSAGE. Sitting down, he pulled a lever and pushed down an orange button, opening the message.
"Good morning, Agent P," his boss Major Monogram greeted as Perry pulled out his electronic notepad to jot on. "The evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz is up to his old tricks. For reasons unknown to us he's bought up 80% of the country's tinfoil."
On his notepad, Perry wrote Why 80% of tinfoil?
"I want you to get over to his hideout right away, find out what he's up to, and put a stop to it," Monogram ordered. Perry questioned the wording of "hideout", however, as Doofenshmirtz's sky-scraper with the words DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INCORPORATED written on a huge sign on the side would hardly count as hiding to him. "As always, Agent P, it is imperative that your cover identity as a high schooler remains intact. Now get out there. We're all counting on you."
Perry saluted and then rushed over to his hovercar, playing his theme song in his head. Navigating the tunnels, he pulled up to the surface once he got a decent distance away from the house, knowing that Phineas and Ferb were starting construction on a rollercoa-!
Perry swerved away from where Phineas and Ferb were standing on an unfinished rail and pulled his fedora over that side of his face. Thankfully, they didn't seem to notice him. After that, however, he decided to park the hovercar somewhere and break into Doofenshmirtz's building by swinging on a rope and popping through one of the windows.
Perry landed in a pose of having one hand touching the floor while he held his other arm back. It was one of his favorite poses.
"Ah, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz greeted. "What an unexpected surprise. And by unexpected, I mean completely expected!" He slammed his hand into a button that read arms, and Perry couldn't react fast enough as mechanical arms shot out and trapped his limbs, suspending him slightly in the air.
With Perry trapped, Doof started his evil monologue "I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, have covered the entire eastern seaboard in tinfoil. And when I put my giant magnet next to my ingenious magnetism magnifier, I will pull the east in a westerly direction. Thereby reversing rotation of the earth." Perry was pretty sure that wouldn't work, but he was more focused on trying to get out of the trap. He tapped his head against the arm holding his left arm, but it wouldn't budge.
"You may well ask yourself, why would he do this? What could he possibly have to gain?" Perry might've wondered if he wasn't too busy searching for a way to get out of his trap. He spotted a screw on the floor next to his foot and glanced upwards at the ceiling to see lights hanging. Looking back down at the screw, Perry started calculating a plan. "Well, let me just answer that by saying I haven't really worked out all the bugs yet, I mean, you know, the tinfoil alone cost a lot."
Rolling his ankle, Perry tested his left foot on the floor, where he could barely touch with his tip-toes.
"But I'll really make all my money back, I could buy a bunch of east-facing real estate and sell it again with a-" Perry blocked out the rest of Doof's monologue as he kicked up his foot, launching the screw straight at the doctor.
Doof ducked and taunted, "Hah! You missed!" Perry held back his smirk as the screw bounced off of the machinery and straight into the cable of the lights, stretching it back until the screw shot straight towards Doof again.
"Ow!" Doof screamed as the screw went straight into his foot. Hopping on one foot while holding the hurt one, he backed up towards the ARMS button. "Ow, ow, ow, ow!"
Just as Perry planned, Doof hit it, and the arms released Perry. He jumped forward and punched the scientist across the face. In retaliation, Doof grabbed a wrench and swung it at Perry. Well, two could play that game. Perry grabbed a wrench as well and blocked Doof's wrench a couple of times before hammering on the screw sticking out of the shoe.
"OWW!" Doof screamed again and grabbed a machine, pushing it forcefully in Perry's direction. Perry stepped aside to dodge it and watched as it broke through the wall. While he was distracted, Doof pulled a lever which opened up the top of the building. "Now you are too late! Quake in your boots and watch helplessly-" Perry was certainly not going to do that, as he wasn't even wearing boots "-as the unimaginable electromagnetic forces pull the eastern seaboard, thereby reversing rotation of the-"
They both watched the tinfoil simply come off of the buildings it had been laying on.
"Well, that didn't work…" Doof said. "And now we have a 2-ton ball of tinfoil 200 miles an hour directly at us! Quickly! We must separate the magnet from the magnifier before it is too late!"
Panicking, the two of them pushed and pulled on the magnet and magnifier, but despite their best efforts they wouldn't budge.
"It's no use!" Doofenshmirtz despaired. "It's no use! We are doomed!"
Overhead, Perry noticed a helicopter flying by. Acting fast, Perry pulled out a grappling hook, climbed up the magnet, and shot the hook at the helicopter. Once it connected, Perry deftly tied the rope around the magnet. As he turned, however, Perry realized he could see the ball in the horizon, so on instinct he leaped up onto the top of the magnet right as the rope pulled it free from the magnifier.
"You did it! You saved us, Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz screamed in relief, throwing his arms out rather than finding somewhere safe from the tinfoil ball, so naturally he was still standing there when the huge ball crashed into him and took off the top of his building, taking him with it. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"
From atop the magnet, Perry leaned forward to get a better view of his nemesis, but then he felt the magnifier connect to the magnet beneath him. Well, if Doofenshmirtz was still able to curse him, he was probably fine, Perry reasoned.
The helicopter flew only a little bit above the roller coaster track until the magnifier connected with it. With much strain, the helicopter managed to lift the whole roller coaster track up into the air and started carrying it away. But Perry knew it couldn't keep up for much longer as he observed the helicopter was smoking from the weight, so he searched for a suitable place before pulling out a handheld automatic saw and cutting the rope below him.
Holding onto the rope for a few seconds as the rail dropped back to the ground, Perry spotted the carts and decided to let go and drop right into them, grabbing his hat and attempting to stuff it in a pocket as he fell. He landed right behind Phineas and Ferb, squarely in between Isabella and some random boy he didn't know. Now that he was on the rollercoaster, it seemed to be going faster than he anticipated, and he questioned his decision to hitch a ride on it.
Just then, Phineas turned his head back towards Perry.
"Oh, there you are, Perry!" Phineas remarked, seeming completely unfazed by the fact that Perry had literally dropped out of the SKY and was currently the third person in a seat for two people.
"Hi!" Perry replied, not daring to use his hands to wave as he was currently using them to grip onto the cart for dear life since he had no seatbelt.
Phineas turned his head a bit more and said, "Nice hat, Isabella."
Hat? Perry glanced over at the girl properly for the first time of the ride and noticed that his fedora had somehow landed on top of her head. He could have sworn he'd successfully stuffed it in his pocket. Isabella plucked the hat off of her head and examined it, humming. Perry could retrieve it now, but that would require taking one of his hands off of the bar, so he opted to wait until the ride was over.
Which was apparently now if the end of the rail indicated anything!
Perry braced himself as the carts slid off the rail and bounced onto the road. Everyone's screams got even louder. With the speed they were going, the carts plowed on through until they hit a ramp, sending them back up into the air. The landed on the edge of a crane, causing it to spin around and shooting them into the air flipping over and over. Perry was sure if he wasn't so absolutely sandwiched between the two kids with seatbelts he would have been flung right out of the cart.
"Funny. I don't remember this in the blueprints," Phineas stated much too calmly for Perry's liking. Meanwhile, Perry was feeling glad that he was still wearing his contacts as he would've surely lost his glasses by now. Then again, he thought he might have preferred not being to see, as they got caught by a plane. "And I'm sure this is new."
Soon enough, the carts got freed from the plane and were plummeting through the air again. Somehow, they landed onto the Statue of Liberty's torch, which sent them across the country while flipping over to Mount Rushmore, where they spun around in Theodore Roosevelt's glasses. After that, the carts flew straight into a tree, which started bending due to the weight. Thank God for Phineas and Ferb at least making sure to make the carts so incredibly durable.
As the tree bent over, Perry could see a Mr. Slushy Burger building with a worker, who looked like the boy that Candace liked, asking, "Welcome to Mr. Slushy Burger. May I take your order?"
"Anyone want fries?" Phineas asked the rest of the kids.
If anyone did want fries, they weren't able to say so as the tree flipped back and sent them soaring through the sky again. Eventually they collided with something that resembled the Eiffel Tower, and it bent over, just like the tree, down to a shop that read Les Croissant's Oui!
The man standing behind the counter asked, "Croissant?"
"Anyone want a croissant ?" Phineas, putting on a fake accent, asked the rest of the kids once again, and once again nobody replied as the tower bent back and threw them straight into the atmosphere.
Annnddd now they were practically in space. The carts came to a stop as they hung suspended in the exosphere. All the kids had stopped screaming, but Perry wondered if that had more to do with the fact that there was likely not much air up here. A satellite hovered past them, beeping.
"You know, if that thing crashes to earth, Candace is in charge," Phineas pointed out. Suddenly, the carts lurched as gravity acted on them again. They started falling straight down, and the speed caused the front of the cart to catch on fire, causing the kids to start screaming again. As they plummeted back towards the earth, Perry could have sworn he heard Phineas say to Ferb, "We should have charged more."
Perry was ready at any moment to deploy his parachute and try to slow the carts' descent, but miraculously they landed on top of the tree in the backyard, all in one piece. But the carts were still on fire and could potentially explode at any moment, so Perry grabbed Phineas and Ferb, jumped out of the carts and scrambled down the tree as fast as he could. As soon as they reached the ground, Phineas and Ferb sat down on the grass while Perry stood and stared wide-eyed at Candace holding the gate open with her arm out. That could only mean one thing, could Mom see -
Sure enough, Mom stuck her head around the gate to see what Candace was gesturing to.
"Oh, hi, boys!" she greeted, seeming relatively unconcerned.
"Hi, Mom!" Phineas responded, waving.
"Come on, Candace, help me with the groceries," Mom said, heading back towards the car.
"B-b-b-b-but-but-but-but–" Candace stuttered.
Mom reappeared and grabbed Candace by the shoulders, saying "Let's go."
"But-but-but-but-but–!" Candace kept stuttering as Mom dragged her away.
Whew, Mom had not seen. As Mom and Candace left to put away the groceries, kids started dropping out of the tree.
"Hey, Phineas, that was great," a random kid said as he climbed down.
"Way too cool!" declared the kid that Perry had had on his left during the ride.
"That was awesome! Can we do it again?" shouted yet another random kid as most of the others finally climbed out. Wow, did he not know any of those kids besides Isabella? How had they gotten on the rollercoaster?
"Sorry, only one ride per customer," Phineas explained. Ah, well, that explained the comment about charging more.
Isabella was the last down the tree as she carefully climbed down, asking once she reached the ground, "That was great, Phineas. So, what are you gonna do tomorrow?"
"Don't know yet," Phineas replied.
"Maybe Perry'll think of something," Isabella tried to include the older boy in the conversation. Perry just shrugged.
"Well, he does have an internship, so he doesn't get to do much," Phineas sighed.
"He's a top analyst intern for a government," Ferb pointed out, making his brother sound more impressive.
"Maybe he'll show us how to analyze something," Phineas amended.
"Well, see you tomorrow," Isabella walked towards the gate, but before she left she turned back and said, "It really was the coolest coaster ever. You guys make a great team."
"Well, a brother is a brother, but I couldn't have asked for a better one than Ferb. You know what I mean?" Phineas said as he put his hand on Ferb's shoulder.
In reply, Ferb gave out a loud belch.
Phineas quickly held his nose and exclaimed, "Oh, man! I can smell the peanut butter." Perry was pretty sure he could smell it too, if that's what it was.
"Well, that was impressive," Isabella commented, before finally turning to leave. "See you, guys." Just as she left, Perry remembered that she likely still had his fedora as he'd forgotten to retrieve it in the adrenaline of the ride. Oh well, he'd just text Pinky and ask him to get it from her.
Phineas and Ferb seemed content to stay sitting under the slowly burning tree, but Perry figured he should probably try to put out the fire, especially before the carts potentially exploded.
"So, what should we do tomorrow?" Phineas asked Ferb while Perry walked over to the hose and started detangling it. "There's a world of possibilities. Maybe we should make a list!"
BOOM!
"Mom!"
"Give it a rest, Candace!"
Well, that would put a dent in the old tree. And quite possibly their eardrums.