I'm posting this chapter now because I just to start working on the next one so I slapped this one as done. Start the fic.
4
3
2
Dipper was dressed in a white butler's tuxedo carrying a tray filled with glasses of water. He pressed his finger in to his earpiece. "Can everybody hear me?"
"This is Pacifica. You're coming in loud and clear."
"Love God here. In the kitchen waiting to be reunited with my darling Herbie."
"Dipper, these earpieces are amazing! Did you invent them!"
"Actually, no Pacifica." Dipper admitted. "Truth be told they were a gift from Artie, lunkhead tends to worry."
The sounds of chewing came through causing Dipper to lower his eyelids. "Love God, are you seriously eating another hoagie sandwich? We talked about this, man!"
*GULP!*
"Uh of course not, dude! I'm on mission! I'm all about the mission! I'm laser focused... unlike SOMEBODY after they saw Pacifica in their evening dress!"
"I-hey!"
"Dude, you were straight up leering at her!"
"I was NOT 'leering' at her!" snapped Dipper.
"You were definitely gawking!" noted Pacifica.
"Twice." added the Love God. "Once when you first saw her and then again when she started walking!"
"I was not 'gawking' either!" Dipper snapped again.
"Your mouth was hanging open, Dipper." explained Pacifica.
"I-you-grr-Hey! Who's side are you on, anyways?!" snapped Dipper for a third time.
"I guess that really all depends on WHY you were gawking, Dipper."
"What?! Pacifica, I..."
"Girl!" the Love God chimed. "If that's your idea of flirting then let me tell you that you are doin' it wrong!"
Pacifica was about to say something but Dipper cut her off. "You know what?! I think now is an excellent time to begin radio silence!"
Dipper moved over with his tray to a table where the gangsters had collected themselves.
'What a bunch of freaks.' Dipper mentally observed.
And freaks they were, there was a pair of twin women both dressed in ripped sleeveless leather jackets, where one had a Mohawk the other had a Reverse Mohawk. Another was hanging over the booth like a lunatic, his leather jacket had metal spikes all over it, and for some reason two metal fishing hooks were stuck in the bottom of it. There was an African American gentleman at one end of the booth, he was about Dipper's size and build and his leather jacket was covered in patches. Next to him was red headed girl who didn't seem to have anything odd about her, the only thing really noticeable about her was her hair being in a ponytail. She was SO normal in fact... that Dipper didn't trust her at all. At the opposite end of the table was a very tall man, he wore a shirt with a picture of a spork on it. Covering it was a black leather jacket just like all the others except his was covered in tassels; he also wore a biker's helmet which had a huge crack racing along the bottom of it.
At the center of it all was man with a thick curl of black hair. Hair which was styled in to a giant upward curl with probably an entire jar of gel holding it in place. A pair of dark thick sunglasses covered his face, making it impossible to see his eyes. He was picking his teeth with a butterfly knife, a sight which made Dipper cringe. The air about him commanded a certain degree of respect so it was a safe bet that he was the leader.
Dipper let out a breath and walked over to the table carrying his tray.
"Hello everyone, my name is Alex and I will be your waiter tonight. Here's some water to start you all off tonight. If you want I could take your jackets or anything else you might want stowed away while you eat."
The one in the center lowered his sunglasses to give Dipper a steely look. "Everything stays, understand?"
Dipper adjusted his little bow tie nervously. "Of course, sir! I'll be right back with some menus."
He walked off and turned his ear piece back on. "Guys, Plan A has failed. Commence with Plan B!"
"This is Pacifica, I'm almost ready. I'm surprised how easily the owner went along with this once we flashed our badges."
Dipper walked in to the kitchen where the Love God was attempting to choke down a turkey.
"Benefit to being a government supported private investigator. Since we're with the government there's always a chance we could audit their taxes."
"We can do that?" asked Pacifica.
"Yes and no. Its one of those could vs should type of scenarios."
"Oh..."
"Doesn't mean they have to know about it though."
"Um... I'm going to get out there and start singing. Be ready."
"Way to make things awkward Sherlock!" snapped the Love God.
"I'm turning off my earpiece now!" Dipper and Pacifica said in unison.
"Awww! That's so cute! They said it at the same time." the Love God cooed.
Dipper picked up some menus and raced out the double doors.
He got out just in time to see Pacifica on stage. She was wearing a bright blue sequin dress with slender little shoulder straps.
Dipper almost whispered out the words "A vision of loveliness" but he quickly remembered how everyone could hear his 'whispers-under-his-breath' and decided to just keep it himself. He bustled over to the table and handed everyone their menus.
"Move it, ya mook!" said one of the gangsters. "I can't see the broad!"
Dipper go out of the way just as Pacifica started singing.
If I had a tiny microphone
Dipper moved to the back of booth ever so quietly.
Hidden in my heart
He looked over everybody from behind. If the bug really was in a piece of Tupperware then it would be easy to spot. At the very least Dipper would be able to detect where they were trying to hide it.
It would amplify my love for you
From one end to the next Dipper couldn't spot any sign of the bug. This left him with a much more difficult option, searching underneath the table.
But the words get stuck in my throat
Dipper crouched down to the ground and started to crawl on the ground.
The words get stuck in my throat
He crawled around to the front of the booth. Thankfully everyone was still watching Pacifica so they didn't notice him.
If I had a little viewmaster
Crawling underneath the table was a real obstacle for Dipper. With all the legs underneath he had to form some small space acrobatics to avoid being detected.
Stuck inside my brain
Dipper spotted a Tupperware container under the leader's foot.
It would snap the pictures all of you
He carefully made his way over to him, maneuvering himself around all the legs and feet.
But the words get stuck in my throat
The leader's foot was seated firmly on top of it. Removing it without notice was going to be tricky to say the least.
The words get stuck in my throat
"Hey boss," a voice rang out from above "how's that bug thing work again?"
If I had a little telegraph
Dipper's eyes shot open at such a request. He immediately moved back.
Tapping in my brain
"Alright, but this is the one time I'm demonstrating it."
It would tap the morsecode "I love you."
He reached his hand down, there was about an inch between the man's arm and Dipper's face. This was it, exposure! Dipper had no way out of this one.
But the words get stuck in my throat
"Wait! Boss," the girl's voice rang out. "maybe we should do this outside!"
The words get stuck in my throat
"Hm... Fair enough. I guess we can have a 'demonstration' outside."
Hey, hey, hey
The song was coming to an end anyways so Dipper decided to come out from under the table while he still could.
What'd I say?
Pacifica was singing with her eyes closed, lost in the moment simply enjoying the song, so she didn't see everybody leave.
Everyday!
She opened her eyes and saw Dipper standing there by his lonesome.
"Wher'd everybody go?"
"Outside. I'm sorry Pacifica, plan A failed."
Pacifica folded her arms.
"What?! Did they not like my singing?!"
"No, they were in to it. They just wanted to give Herbie a 'test drive'."
Pacifica scowled. "Still very rude! Oh well, come on. Let's go investigate them."
Pacifica bustled herself towards the stairs.
"Wait! Pacifica, I really... liked... your singin-and she's up the stairs. Shoot!"
Outside...
Dipper and Pacifica were watching from the rooftop of the building, they had the perfect view for looking down on their circled up little meeting.
"Alright guys, I need a volunteer! Horace! Front and center!"
The crazy guy who was leaning over the booth from earlier jumped to the center of the group. The leader opened the Tupperware just a smidge and Horace stuck his finger in.
*SNAP!*
Horace immediately recoiled his finger out of the box.
"LADIES!" hollered the leader. "Line up!"
The twins along with the one who had a pony tail, none of whom looked happy about the situation.
Horace finally stopped sucking on his finger long enough to look up. He saw the girl with the ponytail first and his eyes were replaced with giant hearts.
My brown eyed girl
As he looked at her, a pink puffy cloud like substance appeared all around her.
You my brown eyed girl
A dopey smile emerged on his face. He took a couple steps towards her and that was all the excuse she needed to start running.
She made a mad dash for her motorcycle and hopped on. *VROOOOOOOOOOOOM!* And just like that she was off over the horizon.
Horace put on his helmet and hopped on his own motorcycle. "Sweetie, wait!" *VROOOOOOOM!* "I just want to snuggle!"
The man with the patches grabbed the leader by the jacket. "Hey man! Sweetie is MY woman! What's the big idea of having Horace chase after?! Why not one of the twins?!"
The leader merely smiled and held up his hands in an I-don't-know manner. "Sorry Patches, just the luck of the draw! I wouldn't worry though, the bite raw is only temporary."
"Well how long is it supposed to last?!"
"For her? Soon enough. For me?" He gave a predatory grin. "Just long enough."
The tall guy made his way over to the two and got Patches to let go. "Chester, you can't honestly expect me to just let this slide!"
"Patches, Sweetie will be fine as long as we get on top of this and keep Horace in check."
Patches let go of their 'beloved' leader. "You're right..."
"Everybody hop on your bikes! We got some cock blocking to do!"
"Boss!" yelled Patches. "That isn't funny!"
As they raced off Dipper and Pacifica were left on the roof watching them disappear over the horizon.
"Well THAT happened!"
"Yeah, Pacifica it looks like you get your wish! We have to go disguise shopping."
"Yes! Oh wait, that reminds me. Dipper, you're really good at inventing stuff right?"
"I made your magnet gun didn't I?"
"Yeah, still looking forward to you walking me through the ins and outs of that thing by the way; anyways, I was thinking what if you made me some hoop earrings?"
"Pacifica," Dipper deadpanned. "I make gadgets, practical ones for the job, not jewelry."
"No, no, no. See, that's the thing! They only LOOK like earrings!"
"What?"
"Yeah, in fact they're a pair science nerd handcuffs in disguise!"
Dipper took out a pen and started to chew on it.
"Polarized magnetic cuffs... perhaps a button activation... yeah that could work. Okay! Pacifica, I will get working on this right away!"
As Dipper headed to stairs he failed to notice Pacifica smile at his retreating form.
The RV...
"Come on, Pacifica! You've been in there for two hours! You said you were going to do my disguise too, remember?"
"Fashion takes time and disguise is an ART! You can't rush art!" Pacifica snapped.
The Love God was leaning against the back of the RV with a certain smirk on his face. "I'm surprised you're so eager to see her finished after what a rush you were to finish your shopping with her."
"She may live in an RV but she's every bit the shopaholic she's always been." clarified Dipper.
The door opened capturing the attention of the two men. Out came Pacifica, she was dressed in a black leather jacket with pink triangles on the cuffs, on her legs was a pair of ripped blue jeans, and her hair was done up in to a ponytail each with black hair dye on the end. Her make up job consisted of eyeliner, purple eye shadow, and red lipstick. "Well boys, what do you think?"
Dipper's jaw dropped at the sight of her.
American woman! Stay away from meeee!
Dipper felt his entire body heat up.
American woman! Momma let me beeee!
Dipper's body became as stiff as a board. "Excuse me..." Dipper turned around and walked rigidly to the back of the RV.
"I was expecting at least SOME kind of feedback!" complained Pacifica.
*SPPPRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY*
"Is that the hose I hear?"
A moment later Dipper came back drenched from head to toe.
"You look great!"
Omake
Dipper had went inside to dry off, leaving Pacifica alone with the Love God once again.
"Love God, can you please stop grinning at me like that?!"
"Come on, girl! Admit it! You loved his reaction to your disguise!"
Pacifica blushed with an angry scowl!
"Ugh! I swear, you're almost as bad as Mabel!"
The Love God's expression turned serious.
"Wait! What do you mean I'm 'ALMOST' as bad as someone?! I'm the LOVE GOD! When it comes to fluffy embarrassment I'm top tier, Baby! What did Mabel even do?!"
"Well she gave us a gift basket and then when we opened this secret compartment which had condoms in it. There was also a note which... Are you taking notes?!"
The Love God was in fact scribbling furiously on a note pad which just seemed to pop out of nowhere.
"Of course! A good idea is still a good idea! Condoms in the gift basket, I gotta use that one! You can't make up this stuff!"
That's it for now. I chose Pacifica's song because for some reason that is the one that has been following me lately. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, if so then let me hear it! Especially tell me if you had a favorite part.