We Have Been Trying To Reach You About Your Life Expectancy

by katriaine

In which Mr. Bennet gets some visitors who have been reading JAFF. Started out as an absurdist one-shot but grew from there.

3. Chapter 3

"Mr. Bingley!"

"Miss Bennet!"

"Please allow me to introduce you to my aunt, Mrs. Gardiner."

Once the greetings were completed everyone sat down in Mrs. Gardiner's parlour and felt awkward.

"I am very glad to see you again, Miss Bennet," said Mr. Bingley.

"Are you?" said Miss Bennet, not looking at him.

"Of course," said Mr. Bingley. "Last autumn in Hertfordshire was one of the most enjoyable times in my life. I loved the neighbourhood and all the new friends that I made."

"Right," Miss Bennet said flatly. "That must be why your sisters told us that you found very little in Hertfordshire to your liking and had decided never to return."

"What is that?" Mr. Bingley said. "I still hold the lease of Netherfield, and must return some time. And I liked some people very much indeed."

"You must pardon our astonishment," Mrs. Gardiner said. "When your sisters visited us they gave Jane to understand that you had quite closed the chapter on Netherfield and all that pertains to the neighbourhood and had decided to move on in your life, never to look back."

"Move on! Close the chapter! By no means!" Mr. Bingley was perturbed. "Wait, you say that my sisters visited you here?"

"Yes, Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley were kind enough to return my call when I came to town," Miss Bennet confirmed.

"They are two very finely dressed ladies, Mr. Bingley," Mrs. Gardiner said. "Almost too fine for a morning call."

"But they said nothing of seeing you!" Mr. Bingley exclaimed. "They said nothing of Miss Bennet being in town."

"No doubt they forgot," Miss Bennet said. "There must have been little reason for them to mention brief visits with former friends to you."

"Former friends! What are you saying?"

"I am saying that your sisters consider our acquaintance to have run its course and have no desire to continue it."

"In my humble opinion, and bear in mind that I have only seen them once, those ladies were never friends of yours, Jane," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"I believe you are right," Miss Bennet said. "My true friends would wish to be more respectful of my beloved aunt."

"So you are saying that my sisters visited here, were rude to Mrs. Gardiner and made you feel like they were cutting the acquaintance?"

"If it is up to Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst I am certain that Jane will never see them again," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"It seems that my sisters have done me no favours when it comes to making friends in this household," Mr. Bingley said.

"They care deeply about your consequence," Miss Bennet said. "I am sure your sisters will be very helpful if you are discerning enough to befriend people with the proper kind of connections, without the stench of trade."

"But you are a gentleman's daughter!" Mr. Bingley exclaimed.

"Not a rich one," Miss Bennet said. "And I have no noble relations."

"If you do not mind me saying, sir," Mrs. Gardiner said, "I find their disdain of all things trade a little hypocritical, considering my husband used to do some business with their father."

"Have you been talking to Darcy? The other day, Darcy said the same thing. He was worried that they polish their own crowns a bit too glossy and might get a public cut from someone who thinks they reach above their station. He said it might damage my standing as well, even if I was not a party in the quarrel."

"Why does he think so?" Miss Bennet asked. "From something that Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley said, I thought that Mr. Darcy largely agreed with them about the connections to trade and the undesirability of making friends in Hertfordshire."

"Well, usually Darcy is rather wary of making friends anywhere in England, at any strata of the society," Mr. Bingley said. "He thinks most people have hidden motives and would much rather have one or two trusted confidantes than a large crowd of amiable acquaintances."

"Well then, let us hope that he can be spared the inconvenience of a third friend," Miss Bennet said.

Mr. Bingley laughed. "That is funny but truly, if a person is lucky enough to gain Darcy's friendship his kindness and his loyalty will stand one in good stead."

"If you are one of the select group we must take your word for it," Mrs. Gardiner said. "I remember seeing him as a little boy in Lambton but would likely not recognize him now."

"Even I hardly recognize him now," Mr. Bingley said. "He has always been so calm, stoic, and reasonable. But he has been behaving rather oddly of late."

"What do you mean?" Miss Bennet asked.

"Well, if he was anyone else I would have called him frantic when I saw him yesterday," Mr. Bingley said. "But he is Darcy, and Darcy is never frantic."

"He was exhibiting signs of increased alertness and emotional engagement?" suggested Mrs. Gardiner charitably.

"Yes, I think so," Mr. Bingley said. "I am a little worried about him, to be honest. He has been doing lots of secretive reading, saying strangely unconnected things, and looking for all the world as if there is some great concern weighing on him. I do not know what is going on."

"He might be going slightly mad," said Miss Bennet. "This does not sound at all like the calm, rational person I met at Netherfield."

"I do not think that he is crazy," said Mr. Bingley. "But he is acting like he has been forced to save the world and does not know how."

"Hopefully you can help him resolve the matter in a satisfactory manner soon," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"I am not sure what I could do to help save the world," Mr. Bingley said. "But in his opinion I ought to take my sisters in hand before their social scheming sets them up for a really humiliating public set-down, and he urged me most faithfully to think of a way to change things soon."

"What could have made him so concerned?" Miss Bennet asked. "At Netherfield, he seemed to get along with your sisters well enough."

"Something he had been reading gave him the idea, I assume." Mr Bingley spread his hands in a gesture of uncertainty. "He said that locked rooms are dangerous and forcing a public compromise could lead to harrowing consequences. I have no notion why he thought that my sisters would do anything so underhanded. I asked him to explain but Darcy became Mr. Vague about it and refused to be more explicit. I do not think he trusts my discretion."

"Well, you are telling us right now," said Miss Bennet.

"Perhaps he is worried about the effect your sisters' attitude could have on his sister," Mrs. Gardiner said. "Because of your courtship with Miss Darcy."

"My courtship with Miss Darcy?" Mr. Bingley sputtered.

"Yes," said Miss Bennet. "How is it going?"

"It is not, because I am not courting Miss Darcy!"

"Are you sure?" Miss Bennet asked. "According to your sisters you have been very busy with Mr. Darcy and his sister lately, and they are expecting an announcement at any time now."

"Why would they say something like that?" Mr. Bingley was unhappy. "They know it is not true. I have not seen Miss Darcy in months and in any case she is too shy to marry so young, I think."

"In your sisters' opinion, it would be a desirable connection for you," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"By all means, but I do not think Miss Darcy cares two figs for me and I have certainly never attempted to court her."

"Is it possible Mr. Darcy was concerned that your sisters might try to force Miss Darcy's hand…?" Mrs. Gardiner asked hesitantly. "Say, by locking her up in a room with you."

"Oh!" Mr. Bingley was disconcerted. "Surely they would not… Would they? Do you think they would?"

"They are your sisters, sir," Miss Bennet said. "What do you think?"

"Well…" Mr. Bingley was quiet for a long time. "I never thought that they would be capable of such deviousness and manipulation. But then again, I never thought that they would lie to my face."

"What did they lie about?"

"I asked Caroline whether you had responded to her letter, and they said they had heard no news from you," Mr. Bingley said. "But you say they have visited you."

"I wrote to them and called on them first," Miss Bennet said. "They must have received my letter since they knew Mrs. Gardiner's address."

"So they did not forget," Mr. Bingley said grimly. "They lied."

"So we gather," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"And they most definitely lied if they said that I am courting Miss Darcy."

"I think they are most desirous of your happiness with Miss Darcy," Miss Bennet said. "They would love the family connection to Pemberley."

"Darcy is an excellent chap, and I would love to call him brother but Caroline must marry him herself to make so," Mr. Bingley said. "Not that he is likely to ask."

"Well, there is always the locked room scenario," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"Oh," Mr. Bingley said, very much struck. "Oh dear, that is terrible, absolutely awful! Darcy would be so very angry. What a disaster!"

"This is just speculation, and your sisters have done no such thing," Miss Bennet said. "There is no need to be angry at them just because they could."

"Yes but Darcy was so fierce when he mentioned the locked rooms," Mr. Bingley said.

"I would be fierce if I thought I was the target of such a scheme," Mrs. Gardiner said. "But Jane is right, this is all just conjecture."

"I dare say if someone was trying to force a compromise on him Darcy would rather jump out of the window than give in to the scheme," Mr. Bingley said. "He would chew his hand off before bestowing it in marriage upon someone who would try to force him."

"Trickery would be a bad way to start a marriage, surely." Mrs. Gardiner said. "I cannot imagine it would lead to a happy union."

"Surely not," said Mr. Bingley. "So alas, Darcy and I are not going to be brothers. He is not going to marry Caroline, and I am not going to marry his sister."

"There is a third option," Mrs. Gardiner said. "You and Mr. Darcy could find yourselves a pair of sisters to marry."

Mr. Bingley laughed embarrassedly. "Well, as to that, I had thought…"

"Twins, even," Miss Bennet said. "If you married twins of some lordly family your wedding would be the sensation of the season, and Miss Bingley could have nothing to complain about."

"But I have no wish to marry lordly twins," Mr. Bingley said. "How are your sisters, by the way?"

"They are all fine, thank you for asking."

"Darcy told me to ask about Miss Elizabeth in particular," Mr. Bingley said.

"Elizabeth?" Mrs. Gardiner exclaimed.

"Oh! I was not supposed to say that out loud, probably. It would have been better just to ask and not say that it was for him."

"Well, but there is nothing wrong about inquiring after my sister," Miss Bennet said dubiously.

"They are acquainted so it is only polite to do so," said Mrs. Gardiner.

"Right, so how is Miss Elizabeth?"

"As far as we know she is fine," Mrs. Gardiner said. "It has been some days since she last wrote but we are going to see her soon as she is planning to visit a friend in Kent. What is Mr. Darcy's interest in her?"

"Oh, I am not entirely sure," Mr. Bingley said. "But he seems to be worried that something bad might happen to Miss Elizabeth or her father."

"Why does he think my sister and my father are in danger?" asked Miss Bennet, alarmed.

"I am not certain but I know he is in correspondence with Mr. Bennet so maybe your father told him about some problem."

"My brother-in-law was very ill recently but he has mended and I am not aware of any other dangers anyone might be facing," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"Good," Mr. Bingley said.

"Maybe it is contagious," Miss Bennet said. "My mother has been worried for everything bad that might happen forever, and I think it is rubbing off on my father. Elizabeth wrote that since his recent illness he has been more concerned about his chances of surviving into old age and about what happens to all of us after his death."

"Darcy said something about that," Mr. Bingley admitted.

"According to Elizabeth, our father has been more insistent that we should secure our futures, and seemed less likely to allow her to refuse unwanted marriage offers," Miss Bennet said, looking at Mrs. Gardiner.

"Unwanted!" Mr. Bingley exclaimed.

"Well, dear, you know that your mother's nerves could hardly take another wasted chance to be rid of one of you," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"Aunt, do you think our father is likely to be strict about it?" Miss Bennet asked.

"When is Bennet ever strict?" Mrs. Gardiner said. "But I am sure it would ease his mind to see his daughters married and settled."

"Good, a fellow is in with a chance then," said Mr. Bingley.

"Yes, well," said Miss Bennet suppressively. "There have been few serious applicants."

"Any viscounts?"

"All of our suitors who were viscounts were just as serious as any of the others."

"Right…" Mr. Bingley went quiet, not sure how to interpret the statement.

Mrs. Gardiner thought it better to change the subject.

"I am surprised to hear that Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bennet are writing letters to each other," Mrs. Gardiner said. "My brother-in-law does not have many correspondents and I did not think he and Mr. Darcy were close."

"Neither did I," said Mr. Bingley. "It is just one more peculiar thing about Darcy lately."

"Right," said Miss Bennet.

"Not that befriending your father is in any way odd," Mr. Bingley hastened to add. "I do think that they share a similar sense of humour, and I know Mr. Bennet is also an avid reader."

"And it seems they both are rather cautious in making new friends," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"Yes, perhaps," Mr. Bingley said. "I think Darcy's recent obsession with genealogy has something to do with the Bennet family. I saw a part of his notes and there were some familiar names."

"Genealogy?"

"Is that the wrong word? I mean that thing with family trees and lineages," Mr. Bingley said. "Darcy has always been a keen reader but he used to read proper books. Recently he has been poring over endless handwritten manuscripts, and something he said sounded like he got the documents from Mr. Bennet. He said he was researching family histories of deaths and marriages."

"Perhaps he is thinking of getting married himself," Mrs. Gardiner theorized. "Family traditions and sentimentality may gain new significance when on the cusp of a momentous decision."

"It is possible," Mr. Bingley said. "Although I have never been able to accuse Darcy of sentimentality before, and Darcy has certainly not mentioned any plans to propose to anyone."

"Gentleman friends might not share everything about such plans," Mrs. Gardiner said. "Many people would prefer to wait until the engagement is official."

"Maybe he wishes to spare Miss Bingley's feelings," Miss Bennet said. "She made it no secret that she was desirous of Mr. Darcy's attentions and were he to direct his hopes elsewhere no doubt she would be hurt."

"Frankly, I do not much care for her feelings at the moment," Mr. Bingley said. "I cannot believe that she knew that you were in London and did not tell me."

Miss Bennet shrugged. "Any number of people are in London at any time. Is Miss Bingley required to report the whereabouts of them all to you?"

"No but if I knew that you were here I could have visited you sooner."

"You knew where I live in Hertfordshire," Miss Bennet said. "If you wanted to visit me you would have been always welcomed at Longbourn."

"Yes but I was not sure if you would wish to see me," Mr. Bingley said. "Darcy said that I should stay in London."

"Understandable," Miss Bennet said. "My mother told me of his preference for town over the country society."

"I remember the conversation they had but I am sure it was not what Darcy meant," Mr. Bingley said. "He is the quintessential country gentleman himself and has very little love for town events."

"Then it must have been just us that he disliked," Miss Bennet said.

"He was cautious at first," Mr. Bingley hurried to explain. "But he seems to have changed his tune recently. He takes your family's affairs very much into heart."

"That is nice of him but I do not see how my family's affairs are any of his business," Miss Bennet said.

"If your sisters did not inform you that Jane is in London, how did you find us?" Mrs. Gardiner asked.

"Darcy told me," Mr. Bingley said. "He had your address and was most insistent that I pay my respects to you straight away."

"Why?"

"Again, he did not explain the urgency," Mr. Bingley said. "But it seemed a matter of extreme importance for him. Like it could have life or death consequences."

"It is a simple morning call," Miss Bennet said. "Surely you have called on many people and neglected to call on others without anyone dying."

"No doubt," Mr. Bingley said. "Nevertheless, it is my pleasure calling on you so easing Darcy's worries, however irrational, was no hardship for me."

"We are glad to have you," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"So, you left Hertfordshire because Mr. Darcy said so," Miss Bennet said. She did not look glad.

"Well, I had always planned to leave but I did not return because of his advice. He was worried that…" Mr. Bingley trailed off awkwardly.

"And now you are here because Mr. Darcy said so." Miss Bennet regarded Mr. Bingley gravely. "Pray, what is Mr. Hurst's opinion?"

"Oh, Hurst has few opinions on things that are not edible."

"But he is your brother-in-law. Do you not think that he deserves a vote in your life too? Is Mr. Darcy to have sovereign rule over all of your decisions?"

"You consider me a frivolous fellow, a slave to Darcy's whims." Mr. Bingley said.

"You say that Mr. Darcy speaks irrationally so leaving so many of your decisions upon his sole discretion seems very trusting, and somewhat unwise."

"In my defence, usually Darcy's advice is very good."

"How did he know that I am in London?" Miss Bennet inquired. "We have not seen hide nor hair of him."

"I think your father told him."

"My father is also acting oddly," Miss Bennet said. "I do not understand why he took it upon himself to inform Mr. Darcy about my address. Mr. Darcy, of all people! We are not such close friends that he has any reason to care about my whereabouts."

"I could not say why he cares," said Mr. Bingley, "But if you saw him yesterday you would have known that he does. For whatever reason."

"I find it a little disconcerting," said Miss Bennet. "And the entire correspondence is rather odd. Mr. Darcy and my father hardly ever even spoke when they were both in Hertfordshire. I cannot imagine that they have many common interests to write about."

"Except Miss Elizabeth," Bingley remarked. "I think the genealogy project is somehow related to Miss Elizabeth and your father has asked for Darcy's help with it. You would not happen to know what your father and Darcy are about?"

"I have no idea," Miss Bennet said. "It sounds very irregular but hopefully someone from Longbourn can shed some light on it."

"It might have something to do with her lineage. Is Miss Elizabeth really a Bennet?" Mr. Bingley asked.

"Elizabeth's lineage is just the same as all of her sisters," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"I do not understand why my sister would be of special interest to a genealogist," Miss Bennet said. "Why did you ask such a question?"

"Because of something that was written in Darcy's notes," Mr. Bingley said. "He did not mean to show them to me but I can read upside down and I saw that there was a column for Not A Bennet."

"I am sure there is no need to cast such aspersions at Mrs. Bennet's character," Mrs. Gardiner said indignantly.

"I think it meant that Miss Elizabeth might have been adopted," Mr. Bingley said.

"No, I do not think that she was," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"I am sorry but delusions and agitation might be symptoms of laudanum dependence," Miss Bennet said. "Maybe your friend needs an intervention."

"Oh, certainly not!" Mr. Bingley said. "Darcy would never touch the stuff, he saw somebody die of it."

"I hope you are right."

"What is the word for the genealogy of the future? When you are not researching past family history but events that are yet to come to pass?" Mr. Bingley asked.

"I do not know if there is a word for such a thing," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"Tomfoolery," said Miss Bennet.

"It sounds crazy when I tell it but if you saw Darcy you would have seen how serious he was," Mr. Bingley said.

"One might be serious about crazy things," Miss Bennet said.

"Perhaps, but it felt like a matter of life and death," Mr. Bingley said. "When Darcy told me that I should visit you he said the strangest thing. Bingley, he said, do you know what will happen to Miss Bennet if you do not visit? If you do not see her again, somebody might die. There could be disease and destruction. There could be scandal, ostracism and utter ruin. Miss Bennet and her sisters might become governesses or companions, or marry a viscount, an earl, or a butcher."

"Well," said Mrs. Gardiner. "It sounds like Mr. Darcy has been struck with a bad case of anxiety, thinking entirely too much, and fearing all kinds of dire consequences from every trivial decision."

"Dire consequences? I am not sure about that," said Miss Bennet. "Marrying an earl does not sound too bad."