A/N: Here we are, my lovely readers! In which we see Jed dealing with his grief, and Abbey dealing with the pains of pregnancy. Hope you enjoy!

As had been the case with Abbey's first pregnancy, they made the decision to keep it to themselves for a few weeks, taking the time to process the many significant changes that had happened in their lives, and to accept the realization that, barring some tragic occurrence, their lives were never going to be the same again. In the days leading up to the second month, Jed found himself missing Neil more than ever, wishing he could talk to him about the vast array of emotions that never seemed to leave him, and more often than not, he had to blink back tears as he thought of his friend.

He knew Neil would have been excited about the baby, had imagined the conversation in his mind more times than he would have ever admitted, though he would have never told anyone, and one night as Abbey stood in the kitchen washing dishes, he sighed, feeling that familiar wave of sadness hit him harder than he had expected. Abbey glanced at him but said nothing, recognizing the look in his bright blue eyes, and as she turned her attention back to the sink, she was surprised when she heard his voice.

"Need any help?"

"That depends," she said carefully, "Why are you asking? Is there any real desire to help me wash dishes, or are you trying to get out of your head?"

In truth, she didn't care about his motivations in the least, she was merely curious as to whether he would be honest or if he would hide behind the carefully crafted brave facade he'd adopted with everyone else.

"Both, actually," he answered finally, "I don't want you doing too much right now, and I also need to get out of my head before I lose my mind."

Abbey nodded, though the smile she gave him was slightly sad, and as he joined her at the sink, he picked up the first plate he saw, thankful to have something to occupy his hands. They washed the dishes in silence, neither one wanting to be the first one to broach the topic, and when Jed finally spoke, his voice was more hesitant than he'd expected.

"Abbey?"

"Hm?"

"What did Neil mean? In the letter he left you, he said that he thought you would understand how he felt at that moment. Was he right or was he reading too much into it?"

Abbey sighed, shaking her head before answering, trying to think of the best way to word her response.

"In a way, he was right," she said quietly, "After the first pregnancy, I felt like my life had no purpose, like there was no way out of the pain I was feeling, and I would have done almost anything to make it stop. But, that's the thing, I had you. I knew how much that would hurt you and I could have never forgiven myself for putting you through that much pain when you were already so devastated. So, yes. The thought did cross my mind, but that's all it was. A passing thought that honestly was more about wanting the pain to stop than actually wanting to die. I'd be willing to bet that Neil's was the same, he just couldn't see it. He didn't actually want to die, he wanted his pain to stop and didn't see another option."

Jed considered this for a moment before nodding, and when he pulled her into his arms, he gave little thought to the fact that his hands were wet, needing a tangible reminder that she was there.

"If you ever feel like that again, please tell me about it," he said, his voice low in her ear, "I don't care where I am, what else we're dealing with, how busy I am. Please don't keep me in the dark until it's too late."

Abbey nodded, moving far enough that she could see his eyes, her own locking on them seriously, her voice soft as she spoke.

"I will," she promised, "You have nothing to worry about."

He looked at her for a moment longer before nodding, stepping away just enough that they had space to resume the dishes, and as Abbey moved to put a stack of plates into the cabinet, they slipped from her slightly wet fingers, shattering on the floor.

"Shit," she whispered, taking a step back to avoid the pieces of ceramic,

"You didn't get cut, did you?" Jed asked, his voice slightly urgent.

She shook her head, feeling more than a little annoyed with herself.

"No, I'm fine, but…damn it, I just broke a stack of no less than six plates! Things like that aren't cheap."

"It's okay, we'll replace them. The important thing is that no one was hurt."

"Except that I just proved that I can't even manage to put away dishes without messing it up!"

Jed frowned when he realized she was crying, and he took a step closer, his eyes worried.

"Abbey, honey, they're just plates. It's okay. Do you know how many things I've broken in my lifetime? It's no big deal."

He reached out to touch her shoulder, his confusion only intensifying when she pulled away from his fingers, and she shook her head as she walked towards the living room.

"Don't, Jed. Just don't."

As she disappeared from the room, Jed shook his head, moving to grab the broom sitting in the corner, feeling more confused than ever.

What the hell had just happened?

When Jed walked into the bedroom to find Abbey curled up on the bed, Heathcliff sleeping at her feet, he smiled at the sight, hoping that he wasn't about to make the situation worse. He said nothing as he sat down on the opposite side of the bed, giving her enough space to not feel crowded, and when he reached out to touch her shoulder, she gave no indication that he'd moved at all.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

She shrugged, still not looking in his direction, and when he moved closer, he kept his voice light.

"Don't worry about the plates, Abbey. I'll take care of them."

"It isn't about the plates, Jed," she replied as though he were an idiot, "It's about the fact that I'm so incompetent that I can't even manage to do the dishes. How am I supposed to take care of a baby if I just dropped those plates so easily? What if I drop the baby? Or what if they roll off the table when I'm changing a diaper? Who knows what all can go wrong? And I just–"

"Hey, slow down," he said gently, "Don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself just a bit? The baby won't be here for a really long time and you've got all that time to prepare. It's going to be stressful and chaotic, but you're going to be just fine. I know you will. Because if there's one thing you're not, it's incompetent. You're one of the most capable and resourceful people I know. You can do anything."

"I can't drink a glass of water upside down," she pointed out.

"Okay, that's probably true, but I'm struggling to think of a moment where that would be necessary," Jed replied, trying not to laugh, "I know you're worried, but you're going to be a great mother. Our little girl is going to be the luckiest baby in the world."

"Little girl?" Abbey repeated, "Jed, we don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet."

Jed shrugged.

"I just have a feeling. For once in your life, trust me," he said with a smile.

Abbey reached for his hand, kissing it lightly before answering, a smile lighting up her features.

"I've always trusted you," she said softly, "and I always will, unless you do something stupid to change that."

"I may be stupid occasionally, but I'm not that stupid, Abigail. Truth be told, you scare the hell out of me when you're pissed at me. I don't want to do anything to make that happen if I can help it."

"Good," Abbey said with a smile, "I think it's a good thing to have a healthy dose of fear about your wife. Makes you less likely to put your foot in your mouth."

"True," Jed agreed.

"With you though, it's inevitable."

He would have been upset had her words not been so truthful.

Jed frowned when he walked into the apartment one evening to find Abbey nowhere to be seen, and for a moment, fear gripped his heart as he walked through each room searching for her. He nearly collided with her coming out of the bathroom, her face pale, and he breathed a sigh of relief, though he was concerned with the shaking of her body as she walked slowly into the living room.

"Are you okay, babe?" he asked, his worry apparent in his tone.

"Whoever called it 'morning sickness' was a goddamed liar," she muttered, sinking slowly onto the couch, "At this point, I should just move into the bathroom. I don't even think I threw up this much in college from drinking."

"I wish I could help," Jed replied sadly, "Is there anything you need?"

"Yeah, the next child we have, you can carry it," she said with a roll of her eyes, "I swear I think I've–"

She threw her hand over her mouth, bolting from the couch down the hall, and as he listened to her emptying the sparse contents of her stomach, he glanced down at Heathcliff, who was watching him with interest.

"Sounds like Mommy isn't feeling very well today, buddy. Why don't you hang out with me and we can let her get some rest, okay?"

He took the wagging of Heathcliff's tail to be an affirmative answer, and when Abbey returned moments later, he gave her a sympathetic smile.

"I'm sorry, baby. Do you think some tea might help?"

Abbey shook her head, her skin losing what little color it had at the very mention of tea, and she closed her eyes, willing herself not to vomit.

"No, thanks. I just want to lie down and not move for the next nine months."

Without thinking, Jed reached into his pocket for a cigarette, and as soon as he had opened the pack, Abbey ran from the room, her eyes wide.

"Well, I guess that's one way to keep me from smoking in the house," Jed said quietly to himself, laughing as he took a step towards the door, "Abbey, I'm going to step outside for a moment."

"You do that," came Abbey's sarcastic reply from down the hall, "I'll be right here, praying for death."

He laughed as he stepped outside, smoking the cigarette quicker than he could ever remember doing it, and when he returned five minutes later, Abbey still hadn't returned, making him frown. Making his way down the hall, he knocked lightly on the bathroom door, pushing it carefully open, and when Abbey noticed him standing in the doorway, she frowned.

"Jed, you smell horrible. If you want to be anywhere near me, you're going to need to shower first."

Jed merely looked at her laying on the bathroom floor and laughed, shaking his head.

"Should I just step over you, then?"

She simply nodded, too exhausted to move, and as he began pulling off his clothing, he reached out to turn on the water, looking down at her curiously.

"Do you want a pillow or a blanket?"

"No, just get in the shower before the–"

She threw her head over the side of the toilet, her fingers clinging tightly to the side, and he quickly finished undressing, wanting to get into the shower as quickly as possible. He felt terrible about making the nausea worse, and as he stepped under the spray of water, he heard the door open slowly. He had no idea what she was doing, but when he was finally free of the scent of his cigarettes, he stepped out, glancing around the room curiously. The clothes he'd taken off had been tossed out into the hallway, making him laugh quietly, and as he began drying his body, he leaned down to kiss Abbey's hair lightly.

"I'll take care of the laundry tonight."

"Thank you," she muttered weakly.

As he stepped over her to go into the bedroom, he shook his head when he noticed Heathcliff had taken his socks to play with, and sighed in mock exasperation.

"You sure you don't need anything?"

She nodded against the tile floor, and after glancing at her one last time, he made his way into the bedroom, picking up the clothing that had been strewn about the floor. This was going to be a long night…

Jed was just sitting on the bed reading with Heathcliff when Abbey slowly made her way into the room, her steps shaky and uncertain, and when he noticed her in the room, Jed immediately put his book down, rushing to her side. She stopped him from picking her up just moments before he did it, and he frowned as she shook her head, her eyes meeting his slowly as Heathcliff left the room.

"No sudden movements," she said hoarsely.

"Okay, what if I give you time to prepare and we go slow? Would that help?"

Thinking for a moment, she finally nodded, putting her arm around his neck, closing her eyes tightly.

"Okay, on three," Jed said, kissing her hair, "One, two, three!"

He slowly lifted her into his arms, crossing the room in three steps, and as he carefully placed her on the bed, he noticed that she had gotten even more pale (something he hadn't even thought possible), making him look at her worriedly.

"You still with me, baby?" he asked gently, running his hand over her cheek lightly.

She nodded but didn't speak, and Jed used the time to reach for the small trash bin he always kept near the bed, placing it next to Abbey with a smile.

"Jed?"

"Mhmm?"

"I think I threw up part of my actual stomach," she said weakly.

"You did seem to be pretty good friends with the toilet," he remarked jokingly.

"Friends?" she repeated, "Hell, at this point I think my relationship with the toilet is stronger than our marriage."

Jed laughed outright, leaning down to kiss her gently, running his fingers slowly through her hair as he laid next to her. He pulled her carefully into his arms, feeling her shake in his hold, and he felt suddenly worse than he had moments ago.

"I'm sorry, Abbey."

"For?"

"I feel like this is all my fault and I wish I could make you feel better."

"Jed, after this, you'd better count yourself lucky if I ever let you touch me again. It is all your fault."

He nodded, feeling as though he thoroughly deserved her anger, but when he felt her raise her head from his chest, he was startled by the worry in her eyes.

"I was kidding, babe," she said gently, "It's not your fault, these things just happen with some pregnancies. It isn't even consistent with individuals. Some women are really sick for one pregnancy but not the other, some are never sick, some are sick constantly. It's not your fault. And you and I both know that there's no way I could go the rest of our lives without sleeping with you. I think it would be more difficult for me than you, if we're being honest."

"You're not mad?"

"Mad, no. Annoyed, yes. But not with you. I'm annoyed that my body has decided to punish me. Remember, I wasn't this sick the first time. It's just different now. If a little 'morning sickness' is the price I have to pay to keep our baby healthy, then I'll gladly suffer through it."

Beneath her words, Jed could hear the barely disguised self-deprecation in her voice, and he looked at her seriously, reaching for her hand.

"You still blame yourself for the last time, don't you?" he asked quietly, "Baby, it wasn't your fault."

She sighed.

"I know."

"But you don't really believe that, do you? You know the truth, but you still feel guilty. Am I close?"

She smiled sadly.

"Dead-on. Jed, logically I know that it wasn't my fault, but there's still this part of me that feels incredibly guilty, like I did or didn't do something the way I was supposed to. I'll probably always feel that way. I wish I didn't, but I can't help it."

He kissed her again, his voice soft as he answered, smiling when he felt her lay her head on his shoulder.

"I know, and maybe one day, you'll reach a point where you don't blame yourself anymore."

"I hope so, Jed," she whispered, closing her eyes tiredly.

He hoped so, too.

As he walked into the library to study for the first time since Neil's death, Jed froze as he neared the table they had always used, unsure he could have sat down in the chair if his very life depended on it. A part of him still expected to see his friend coming around a nearby bookshelf, or find him diligently taking notes for some exam, and when neither of those came to pass, Jed turned on his heel, feeling as though he had been kicked in the chest. He knew he couldn't stand to be there alone, certainly not so soon after the event, and as he made his way to the phone just outside the building, he hoped Abbey wasn't too sick to answer.

"Hello?" she answered after two rings.

"Abbey, I…I made a mistake."

He could practically see the frown on her face as she spoke again.

"What do you mean? What happened? Jed, is something wrong?"

"I went…" he took a deep breath trying to calm himself, "I went to the library to study. I was so close to our table, but I couldn't–that's the last place I saw Neil, and I–I just–"

He paused, unable to explain, and when he felt the tears begin to prickle his eyes, he inwardly cursed himself, knowing that Abbey didn't need this kind of stress in her life right now.

"Jed…honey, come home. Sitting in that library is just going to make you feel worse, so why don't you come home and I'll help you study. Does that sound like a reasonable solution?"

It took him several moments to speak, and after he had agreed to come home, Jed hung up the phone, his hands shaking worse than he could remember since the day Neil had died. Home sounded wonderful, and Abbey would be there, warm and supportive, for as long as he needed. He made his way to the bus stop, the entire ride replaying the memory of when he'd been told of Neil's death, and when he finally reached their apartment twenty minutes later, the tears in his eyes had blurred his vision almost completely.

The moment he opened the door, Abbey was by his side, her skin still pale from the morning sickness, and she led him into the living room, helping him to sit on the couch slowly. When she returned carrying a glass of scotch moments later, he was profoundly confused, staring at her as though she'd lost her mind.

"Abbey, you can't–"

"It's for you, Jed," she assured him, pressing the glass into his hand carefully, "Trust me, I don't even want to think about alcohol right now."

He took several small drinks, just enough that he could feel the shaking in his hands lessen, and when he placed it on the coffee table, she reached for his hand slowly, not wanting to startle him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I just–I kept expecting him to be there. You know what I mean? Neil didn't say much, but you were always aware of his presence. I kept waiting for him to show up carrying an armful of books or something."

She nodded understandingly.

"I know," she said gently, "That's what I meant when I said grief and healing aren't linear. Some days are going to be worse than others, but this was the first time you'd been back to the library to study since it happened. It was always going to be bad. Why don't you study here with me for the next few weeks and then we'll see how you feel. Can you do that?"

He nodded. After all, what choice did he have?

Studying with Abbey turned out to be the best thing he had done, though he still missed Neil like crazy, and as he made notes in the margins of his paper, he felt Abbey's eyes watching him, making him glance up quickly. To his surprise, she said nothing, merely watching him as he worked, and when he let his pen fall from his fingers, he gave her a puzzled look.

"Is something wrong?"

She shook her head.

"No, I'd just forgotten how much I love watching you when you're concentrating. You get this amazing look of determination and it's fascinating to see. I missed studying with you, that's all."

He smiled, reaching for her hand.

"What are you studying? Surely you've read that book hundreds of times."

Abbey laughed, shaking her head once.

"Not this one, no. This one is new. It's a book about pregnancy and how it affects your body, what to look out for, what to expect, that kind of thing."

"Hm…and why would this particular book be of interest to you? Are you thinking of becoming a doctor that specializes in pregnancy, or could it be that you're currently pregnant?"

She laughed again, rolling her eyes as she picked up her book.

"I think you know perfectly well which answer is correct. I just figured that it couldn't hurt to know what to look out for just in case something–well, just in case."

Jed nodded, knowing the fear of another miscarriage was weighing heavily on her mind, and he gave her a reassuring smile.

"I'd say you made a great decision. When you're finished with that, can I borrow it?"

She frowned.

"Jed, I don't think you want to read this. It can get pretty graphic. More than once it's made me nauseous."

"Everything makes you nauseous right now," he said, somewhat dismissively, "It's just a book, Abbey."

Abbey shrugged, glancing at him once before opening the book.

"Suit yourself."

Hours later, long after Abbey had given him the book, Jed was forced to admit that she'd been right, and as he walked into the bedroom, he swallowed thickly, holding the bound pages as though he were afraid they'd burn him. Abbey glanced at him as he climbed into the bed, her expression curious, and when he placed the book on her lap, she frowned.

"You can keep it," he said, his face slightly ashen, "I don't know how you managed to get through that. Just reading about it was bad enough, I can't even imagine having to go through it. You're incredible, you know that?"

Abbey laughed as she put the book on her bedside table, turning to look at him as he reached for the lamp.

"I tried to warn you, babe," she said, still laughing, "The next time I tell you that, you'll listen to me, won't you?"

He merely nodded, pulling her into his arms after he'd turned out the light, kissing her cheek softly.

"How have you been feeling today?"

"Well, the nausea seems to have calmed down a bit, but I still can't handle certain smells. I found out the hard way that cooking your breakfast is a sure way to empty my own stomach. Looks like you'll have to manage that one on your own, or starve."

"If it made you feel better, I would starve, but since it won't, I think I can handle cooking my own breakfast. I'm not completely incompetent in the kitchen."

"I never said you were," Abbey reminded him, "It's not that you can't cook, you just don't want to cook."

"Exactly," he quipped with a smile, "I'm not inept, I'm just lazy."

"Your words, not mine, honey," Abbey replied with a laugh.

Jed was silent for a moment, and when he moved to suddenly kiss her harder than she had expected, Abbey merely stared at him as though she'd never seen him before, her expression more than a little confused.

"What was that for?" she asked slightly breathlessly.

"For being the most amazing person I know. Look at you, you're helping me through school, you take care of Heathcliff, you're creating an entire tiny little baby…there is nothing you can't do."

"Try to remember that after the baby is born, because I'll be damned if you're going to be the stereotypical father that negates the raising of the children to only his wife. We're in this together, and that means you have to put in the work, too."

"Don't worry, babe. I can't wait to spend time with our little girl."

Abbey frowned.

"You're still hung up on the fact that you think it's a girl, aren't you?"

"When you're right, you're right, Abigail. Just wait. You'll see in eight months."

"Is it bad that I hope you're wrong just so that I can shove it in your face?"

Jed laughed, kissing her lightly.

"Maybe, but you wouldn't be Abbey if you didn't."

The sound of Abbey's laughter was the best thing Jed had heard in days.

When Jed woke to find Abbey's side of the bed empty, he frowned, taking great care not to wake Heathcliff as he walked down the hallway, and as he noticed the faint light coming from under the bathroom door, he shook his head sadly. Pushing it open carefully, he wasn't surprised in the least to find Abbey curled up on the floor, wrapped up in a blanket, her head resting on one of his old Notre Dame sweatshirts. He reached out to touch her shoulder lightly, not wanting to scare her, and when he whispered her name, she shifted slightly away from his touch.

"Abbey, wake up for a minute."

"What?" she said, her voice annoyed, "What could you possibly want right now?"

He fought against the laughter he could feel threatening to spill from his mouth, and shook his head.

"Just checking on you. Do you need anything?"

"I need you to shut up and go away," she muttered, "Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"Is the bathroom floor really the best place for that, honey? It can't be very comfortable."

"Neither is vomiting every hour, but here we are. Jed, I'm fine, but please…leave before I smother you to death with your own shirt."

Leaning down to kiss her hair, Jed gave her a small smile, glancing at her once before closing the door.

"I love you," he said quietly.

"I love you, too. But please leave me alone for now."

As he walked back to bed, Jed shook his head, wishing there was something more he could do to help her.

Abbey stared at the sleeve of saltine crackers in front of her as though she had no idea what she was meant to do with them, and when Jed handed her a glass of water, she frowned in confusion.

"What is this for?"

"I thought it might help with the nausea," he said simply.

Though she knew he meant well, she couldn't have explained the annoyance she felt, and when she picked up the crackers, she slammed the plastic sleeve onto the table as hard as she could. She didn't stop until the crackers had been reduced to mainly crumbs, and after she was satisfied with the destruction, she handed them back to him wordlessly, glaring at him with all the conviction she could manage.

"I guess I'll take that to mean that you're not hungry," he said lightly.

"Jed, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but stop. If I need something, I'll ask you for it. I love you, but right now, you're driving me insane."

"Okay," he laughed, "Good to know. I'll be studying in the bedroom if you need me."

As Abbey moved to lie on the couch, she prayed that the need to vomit would pass, unsure of how she could possibly throw up anything more. The sudden movement made her stomach lurch, sending her flying down the hallway, her hand over her mouth, and when Jed heard the sound of her retching from the bedroom, he shook his head sadly. He managed to read through half a page before she made her way shakily into the room, her hands gripping the door frame to stay upright.

"Jed?"

He glanced up, slightly alarmed by the paleness of her skin, and waited.

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I can walk any farther," she said softly, "At least not without help. Does the offer still stand?"

He was on his feet in an instant, carefully lifting her into his arms, and as he carried her to the bed, he heard her voice, weak but sincere.

"I'm sorry I was so bitchy to you."

He placed her on the bed slowly, careful not to move too suddenly, smiling as he kissed her forehead.

"If I'd been throwing up as much as you have been the last few days, I'd be bitchy, too. It's okay, baby. I'm not mad. I just wish there was something more I could do to help. I hate seeing you so sick."

"I think this baby hates me," she said tiredly, "Why else would I be put through this hell? Either the baby hates me, or God hates me."

"How could anyone hate you?" Jed asked as he pulled her into his arms.

"Ask my sister," Abbey quipped, "Jed, will you read to me? I don't care if you read the phone book, I just want to listen."

Jed nodded, reaching for the book he'd been studying earlier, and when his quiet voice filled the room, Abbey closed her eyes, taking in a slow breath, praying that she wouldn't vomit.

"What about Elizabeth?" she asked quietly.

Jed frowned.

"What?"

"For the baby's name if it's a girl. Elizabeth. It's classic, it's not that difficult to spell for a child, it's sensible. Elizabeth Bartlet has a nice flow to it."

Jed thought for a moment, smiling down at her as he re-positioned her against his body.

"I think it sounds beautiful. Does this mean you've accepted that it's a girl?"

"No," she answered quickly, "but girl names are easier for some reason. What about Thomas for a boy?"

"Anything you want, as long as it's not too strange."

"No Heathcliff, then?" she asked with a smile.

"Abigail, you've already ruined our poor dog's life with that name. Don't set our child up for failure before they can even walk."

Abbey laughed, nodding at him as he began reading again, and she laid her head on his chest, focusing on his steady breathing. The sound of his voice calmed the chaos in her head, making her feel more relaxed than she'd been in days, and as she found herself drifting off to sleep, she wrapped her arm around his waist, smiling lightly.

Throwing his arms around Abbey, Jed lifted her off her feet, spinning her excitedly in a circle before kissing her, his smile contagious as he placed her back on the ground.

"Abbey, I passed! I passed that damn final with only one person above me!"

"That's great, babe! I knew you could–"

She paused, paling within a span of three seconds, and Jed frowned.

"What is it?"

She held up a hand, stepping away from him towards the trash can, and after a few moments of painful retching, she shook her head, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Never mind. False alarm. Nothing in my stomach left to come back up."

Jed sighed, shaking his head as she walked back to him, her eyes suspicious as she looked at him.

"Jed, you've been smoking."

"Abbey–"

"Don't lie to me, I can smell it all over you. Please go change if you want to finish your little celebration. Of course, if you'd rather see your weak, pregnant wife continue to attempt vomiting her internal organs–"

"Okay, okay," he said with a laugh, "Calm down with the theatrics, June Allyson. I'll go change."

He glanced at her over his shoulder, a devious look in his eyes.

"I hope you appreciate all the things I do because I love you."

"Really? That's the card you want to play right now?" Abbey asked dangerously, "Who's the one carrying a baby right now? This is your child, after all."

"See, Abbey, that's where you're wrong. It's our child. And you love her just as much as I do."

Abbey reached out to shove him away from her lightly, laughing as he disappeared down the hall, and when he returned wearing a fresh shirt moments later, he wrapped his arms around her waist, his voice low in her ear.

"Better?"

She nodded, leaning back to look at him, her eyes warm.

"Much. Thank you. Now, back to our discussion. You passed, but I just have one question for you. Did you really think, for even a moment, that you wouldn't?"

Jed sighed, looking at her seriously, all joking gone from his eyes.

"Yeah, I did. History was Neil's favourite subject and every time I would try to study, I would remember that. It always made me miss him even more, so I stopped studying it for a while. I know I didn't know him as long as I've known Jeremy, but he was one of the nicest people I've ever known. And so smart. I just don't see how–"

He stopped, not sure how to articulate the thoughts in his head, and when Abbey turned to look at him, she frowned.

"Don't see how what?" she prompted.

"How he could just throw it all away," Jed replied quietly, "and I hate myself for thinking that way, because I know it isn't that simple, but it just makes me sad and angry that he's not here anymore."

"You're right, Jed," Abbey said softly, "It's not that simple. Let me tell you something, just based on my own experiences. When you get that low, when you reach the point where you start thinking that you'd be better off dead, your mind doesn't let you see reality clearly. It starts to tell you that everyone else would be better off without you, that you'd be making their lives better by not being around anymore. You start to see your entire existence as pointless and you wonder why you keep trying. You start thinking that the people who claim to love you are only doing it out of obligation or because it's become a habit. You can't see any way out, so you turn to the most permanent way to make the pain stop. And chances are, you've been living because you don't want to hurt anyone, so even that starts to lose its meaning."

Jed stared at her, his bright blue eyes never moving away from her emerald green, and he ran his hand through her hair as he spoke, his voice a pained whisper.

"How do you know this?"

"Because that's how I felt after the first pregnancy. To an extent, it's how I felt after that whole situation with Howson where I stopped sleeping. I knew I was hurting you and Millie, but I couldn't see a way out until someone pointed me in the right direction. Just like the miscarriage. I was so lost in that darkness and I didn't think I deserved to find my way out, so I pushed you away."

"You thought I would be better off if you were dead?" he whispered, "Abbey, how–how could you think that?"

"I guess I thought that if I were dead, you could find a wife that would actually be able to give you the family you wanted. To be the wife you deserved instead of a failure."

"Baby…" he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, "That's crazy. I'd be lost without you. I don't want forever if it's not with you. You're the best part of my life and you always will be. And I don't know if you know this, but you're more than a million times more the wife than I deserve. I don't deserve you at all, but I'm going to do everything in my power to change that. And if you ever feel like that again, I want you to tell me. Please."

"I know," she said softly, "I love you, Jed."

He smiled.

"Good. Because you're stuck with me now, baby. I don't believe in divorce."

Abbey laughed, shaking her head.

"I knew those marriage vows would come back to haunt me one day."

A/N: Love it? Hate it? Let me know!