A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys are enjoying this story. Please review and let me know!

Chapter Two: 'Cause I'm Wide Awake

Five Months Later

He had been lucky this time.

The bullets had missed him by mere inches, and somehow no one else in his squad had been hit, either. Which worked out well for him, because the last thing he had wanted to do was get back to base and have to call his CO, or anyone else, and explain that someone was hurt or wasn't coming home.

Instead, Jay had returned to base to find half a dozen missed calls from Torres, Voight, and a few others from his former unit, all from the day he left to go on the mission. All leaving messages asking if he had heard from Hailey.

None since then, and none from Hailey, either.

He sighed, resigning himself to calling around and finding out what happened. He hadn't spoken to pretty much anyone from his old unit since he'd left, outside of occasional texts with Ruzek and Atwater, which had mostly been responding to them to let them know he was still alive and still alright for the time being. He knew Makayla was still doing okay and that Kev wasn't seeing anyone at the moment, but that was the extent of the conversations. Nothing more than a brief check in / update.

No one had time for anything more than that.

"Voight," was the answer Jay got from the first number he dialed.

"Hank," Jay replied, somewhat nervously. He and Hank hadn't exactly kept in touch, either, since Jay had left. A text here and there to make sure they were both still alive, but that had been about it. Which was hard, considering that Jay had looked at Hank as almost a father by the time he'd left Chicago. One that had shown Jay more care than his own…

There had been a long pause, followed by, "Jay. How are you?"

Jay nodded to himself, finding his resolve after hearing the slight surprise in Voight's voice. "I'm okay, thanks. What's going on?"

"Nothing. How's the Army treating you?"

"It's fine. What's going on? Is something wrong with Hailey?"

"What do you mean?"

Jay furrowed his brow. "I mean, why did half of you guys call me a couple of days ago asking if I'd heard from her? Is she okay? Did something happen?"

Voight sighed, and Jay could tell it was somewhere between sad and annoyed. "Jay, did you try calling Hailey yourself?"

Jay exhaled slowly. "No, not yet. I didn't know if something had happened, or…"

Voight sighed again. "Jay, you should call Hailey."

"So, she's okay?"

"Call and ask her yourself."

Jay closed his eyes briefly. He still loved and cared about Hailey, and didn't want to see her get hurt, or worse. But he just couldn't bring himself to go home…

"Jay?" Voight said.

"Yeah," Jay replied.

"You sure you're doin' okay?"

Jay inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. Months without speaking, almost a year after he just up and left without warning, and somehow, for some reason, Voight still cared about him and his wellbeing… "Yeah, Hank. I'm doing okay. Thanks."

"Hmm."

"I'll try calling Hailey. Thanks."

"Yeah. Be safe, okay?"

Jay nodded to himself again. "Yeah, thanks. Bye."

"Bye."

Jay hung up with Voight and called Hailey next, steeling himself for something bad or some sort of argument from her. Instead, she answered with a soft, "hey."

"Hey," he replied. "What's going on?"

"Not much."

Jay bit his lip slightly. "You sure? I had half the unit try to call me a couple of days ago, asking me if I'd heard from you. You wanna tell me what happened?"

Her voice was calm and even as she said, "Lee's dead."

Jay furrowed his eyebrows. "Lee… my CI, Lee?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"Long story."

"Well, I have the time," he told her as he stood up and walked out of the barracks, moving away from Nolan and the others to find a little bit of privacy.

"He called me, I went to meet him. We got picked up by some guys he stole money from. They killed him."

Jay sighed, leaning against the outer wall of the barracks. "Are you okay?"

He heard her pause before saying, "I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine."

"Jay… the whole thing… it got me thinking…"

Jay bit his lip again.

"Are you ever coming home?"

He paused, looking down and kicking some dirt with his foot. "At some point," he told her.

"But you don't know when," she surmised.

He looked out across the yard. "No."

"Am I not enough for you?"

"What? No. Hailey, no, that's not it. That's never been it."

"Then what is it? Because I feel like I'm living with some sort of ghost of our relationship here."

Jay cringed. "I love you," he told her honestly. "But I just can't be there right now."

"Why not?" she replied painfully. "Explain it to me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

He sighed. "Because I don't understand it myself."

"Jay… that makes no sense, and you know it."

He scrubbed his hand over his face.

"You left me," she told him. "I love you, but you just… you left me. No real explanation, no chance to talk about it. Just said that if I loved you, I needed to let you go. You promised me it was only for a few months. And now you can't even tell me when you're coming home. If you're coming home. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for us here, Jay."

Jay felt a tear fall down his face as all of him wanted to dispute everything she said, that he was fighting for them, too, but he couldn't.

"I don't know, Jay," she continued. "All I thought about while I was being held was that here's Lee, doing whatever he can to get this girl to love him and… and I'm lucky if I hear from you every few weeks. If I hear from you at all now. And I want to be with you, and I want you home, but if that's not worth it to you…"

"Hailey," he said softly. "Being with you is worth it. I love you. We've been busy lately, getting ready for the mission we were out of wire for, and another one next week that's even bigger. I'm sorry that I'm not there for you in the way that you want and need. And I'm sorry for all that you went through with Lee, and everything you're going through without me. I wish I could be there to make you feel better." He sighed heavily as he closed his eyes. "But if you feel that being with me isn't what you need anymore…"

"Don't… don't put that on me like that."

"Hailey…"

"Don't, Jay," she said. "You're the one who left me. You're the one who decided that I wasn't enough."

Jay breathed out slowly. "I never said that," he told her.

"You didn't have to. Your actions did."

Jay dropped his head towards his chest.

"I don't think this is working out well for either of us anymore," she said, her voice cracking slightly.

"Maybe not," Jay replied quietly, rubbing his hand under his eye. Hearing the crack in her voice was enough to bring tears back to his, and he blinked, trying to keep them away.

"Maybe we should think about getting divorced."

He sighed, almost inaudibly. "Maybe."

She exhaled softly.

"Yo, Jay," Nolan called, gesturing to him. Jay gave him a nod in response.

"Hailey… uh… I have to go," Jay said softly.

"Sure," she replied, her voice cold and resigned.

Jay swallowed the painful lump in his throat that had formed at hearing the change in her tone. "We'll talk more about this, okay?"

"Sure," she repeated.

"Take care, stay safe."

"Yeah, you too."

He hung up, holding his phone against his face for a moment as a few errant tears fell at the thought of his marriage being over. Nolan had been right, he was going to be one of those guys who got divorced while deployed, but he really couldn't blame Hailey at this point, either. Especially when he wasn't exactly being the best husband he could be…

"Jay, man, come on," Nolan said.

"Coming," Jay replied, heading back into the barracks.

Nolan looked over at him. "You good?"

Jay shook his head. "Home stuff."

"Your wife again?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "She wants a divorce."

"Man… that sucks. I'm sorry."

"Yeah." Jay scoffed slightly. "She told me that she felt like she was the only one fighting for us. Like I'm not trying over here."

Nolan shook his head. "It's hard, man. You two were partners, you worked together every day, right?"

"Yeah."

"It's hard to go from that to this. Hell, maybe you guys just aren't cut out for this."

Jay half-groaned. "Yeah, maybe."

"You gonna do it?"

Jay shrugged. "If it's what she wants…"

Nolan shook his head. "You're gonna prove her point."

Jay shook his head. "It's not about that," he explained. "It's that nothing I've said or done over these past few months has changed anything. I can call her, text her, whatever, and… and it isn't enough. It's not gonna be enough, because she wants me home."

"So, take a leave and go home," Nolan advised. "We can survive without you for a little while."

"I can't."

Nolan groaned softly. "Bro…"

"It wouldn't be enough," Jay added. "She wants me to come home and stay home. And I'm not ready for that. If that means that I'm not fighting for her, or us, then… then I guess I'm not."

"I think it's shitty either way," Nolan said. "Why she can't support you down here, and why you can't just go home and see her for a week, but that's on both of you. Hell, if you ask me, I don't think either one of you is really fighting to stay together, I think y'all are just fighting. Because if she really thought you were worth it, she'd be supporting you and your decisions, and would be a lot more understanding of what's going on down here. And if you really thought being with her was worth it, you'd be willing to take the leave to go home and work this out. You two may love each other, but you sure as shit aren't in love with each other anymore."

Jay contemplated that thought for a moment before shaking his head. "No, that's not it," he countered. "I love her. I'm still in love with her. I just can't be what she needs me to be. And if she wants to be divorced from me so that she can find what she needs, then… then that's what we'll do."

Nolan sighed, shaking his head. "That's giving up, man."

Jay closed his eyes briefly. "I know."

"That's not fighting for her."

"I know," Jay repeated. "But I'd rather she be happy, and fighting with me isn't doing that for her, so if being separated from me will, then that's what we should do."

"What about what you want?"

Jay shook his head. "Doesn't matter. After the shit I've pulled… it doesn't matter."

"Man, you really are down here on some sort of penance trip, aren't you?"

Jay shrugged. "Maybe. But debriefing about my phone calls and home stuff isn't why you called me back in here, is it?"

Nolan shook his head. "No. We need to talk about this mission, and the big one next week."

Jay nodded as they joined the rest of the squad for the mission debrief.