Chapter Thirty Seven

There's a thought in the back of Jane's mind about how much longer she's going to have a job. It's a random stray thought bouncing around threatening to loom large as a distraction to what really matters. Jobs come and go. She gave up a career for a woman who didn't need her to give up jack squat, so to be worried about it now is irritating. She pushes it out of her mind.

Jane stands there just inside the door to the room and immediately her eyes hone in on Melissa, who looks like a lost puppy. No, not a lost puppy, but rather a lost child, clinging to the only adult in the room. She rolls her neck to the side, not to release a kink, but to try and distract herself from the rising surge of anger she feels boiling in her blood. What the Hell is Maura doing here?

Jane's body bristles as she stands there continuing to assess the situation. Her eyes shift squarely onto Maura. Her ex-fiancée's eyes shift between her and Melissa and Jane already knows she isn't going to like this. There's worry and fear in those hazel eyes looking at her and when her own eyes drop to supple lips she sees the slight smearing of lipstick. Jane closes her eyes and rides out a ripple of jealous anger before opening them again.

Maura's whispering something to Melissa, gently easing her down onto the bed and Jane can't help but watch with growing fascination how Melissa simply does as she's asked, clutching at her bedding for the comfort she is now missing. Jane's heart lurches a little, she feels terribly for Melissa and for herself. Her girlfriend has paid her little to no attention and she doesn't know what to do with that, especially now that precious blue eyes are tracking Maura's every movement. None of this feels right.

Maura's standing in front of her, but Jane looks right past her at Melissa. She can't take her eyes off of her girlfriend. Every nerve ending in her body tingles with anxiety as Melissa's eyes remain firmly planted on Maura. She hears her name fall from her ex-fiancée's mouth and shifts her attention back to the woman now standing in front of her, practically cutting off her view. Jane quickly realises this is because Maura is shielding Melissa from her. Maura is protecting Melissa from her? What the Hell?

"Not now, Jane." Maura whispers firmly, her hand gently squeezing Jane's bicep.

Jane's eyes shift to the contact and she lets out an unexpected shudder at the sensation. There's no skin to skin contact, but there's something about the firmness and familiarity of the touch that causes Jane to momentarily forget where they are. She forces herself to take a deep breath when her senses return and her eyes snap back to Maura's, where she can see genuine concern shimmering back at her. Jane opens her mouth to speak but finds she can't. She can't say a word because she's suddenly acutely aware of the anger that's been silently building within her body and is undoubtedly displayed on her face and the reason that Maura is standing between her and Melissa.

Only, Jane isn't angry with Melissa. She knows who her girlfriend is. She knows how she reacts to trauma. There is zero reason to be angry with her at this moment because whatever almost happened, as Jane is sure nothing went on for very long at all, happened because something was said that triggered Melissa terribly. The fact the woman is staring at the back of Maura's head tells Jane this.

Jane is angry with Maura and she knows her eyes tell the story as she shakes her head, holds her hands up and backs out of the room. She can't do this right now. She can't lose her shit in front of her fragile girlfriend, who appears to be emotionally attached to Maura for the time being. She can't unleash her fury for the red hot betrayal burning a path along her nerve endings. Because she knows. She knows there's only one reason Maura would be here and it feels monumental. It feels like a massive earthquake has ripped open a gigantic chasm between them and she is stuck standing there looking across at someone she used to know. Because she doesn't know this woman. Not anymore.

Jane turns her back the moment she is out of the room and she half walks, half stumbles through the excruciating manifestation of emotional pain searing through her stomach, towards the elevator. She needs fresh air. She needs sunlight. She needs the chance to breathe, because she feels like she is suffocating under the weight of all of this. How could Maura do this to her? How could she break her trust like this and tell Melissa that Rachael is alive? How could she risk her girlfriend's sanity like this? How?

She hears hurried footsteps behind her, but Jane doesn't look back. Her finger jams forcefully against the elevator call button even as she feels the woosh of air to indicate she is no longer alone.

"Where are you going, Jane? She needs you right now."

Of course she does. Jane knows this and it only adds to the ache that she can feel in her bones, but she is a desperate woman. She needs a moment to breathe, which she tries to do as the doors open in front of her and she steps in. She turns to press the ground floor button and instinct causes her to look up at Maura, who is standing there with a very worried look on her face. It takes a moment, but the years she has known the woman standing in front of her allow Jane to decipher the level of worry and the primary concern rattling around Maura's brain.

The doors start to close, but Jane's hand shoots out and halts them so that she can keep looking into Maura's eyes. Jane knows her own face is hard as stone and her eyes borderline murderous, but Maura isn't flinching. Maura isn't worried about her right now, or them, she's worried about Melissa. It is for this reason and this reason alone she chooses to answer Maura's question that lingers in the space between them. "I am aware of that," it takes everything in her power not to grind her teeth as she pauses to formulate the rest of her answer before speaking. "However, I need a minute. I need to calm down because the last thing she needs right now is to witness an angry outburst."

Guilt flashes in Maura's eyes. Allowing Jane a small feeling of satisfaction as she lands a snide remark, "Especially since you appear to be her new favourite person."

Jane's eyes drop directly to Maura's lips and she rubs her own lips as an indicator of what she's looking at and what her previous comment was referring to. She can't help her sarcastic attitude when responding to the knowing widening of Maura's eyes. "Exactly, so forgive me for needing a minute."

Maura hesitantly steps forward and Jane steps back, allowing her ex into the elevator with her. The doors close and she sighs heavily, she can feel the anxiety rolling off of Maura in waves. She doesn't like this, she hates it in fact, feeling this angry with Maura. It makes Jane feel uncomfortable, because even after Maura gave the ring back she didn't feel this angry. This is going to take a level of grace to forgive that she isn't sure she is yet capable of. It causes her heart to hurt.

"It wasn't like that and I didn't let anything else happen." Maura explains firmly. "I wouldn't do that to you and trust me, Jane. Melissa wasn't in her right mind. I actually need to talk to you about that."

Jane can't help but roll her eyes, she knows it's childish, but she can't help it. Not right now. It's a lot easier feeling angry than acknowledging the scale of hurt Maura's actions have unleashed within her body and mind. "Of course she wasn't, Maura. You fucking told her about Rachael."

The ride to the lobby ends almost as quickly as it begins, with a ding to signify their arrival. Jane feels Maura grip her bicep once again and just like the first time it causes a momentary pausing of brain function as it drags her eyes to the point of contact. Moments like this confuse the situation, but the situation is clear and perhaps Maura's betrayal couldn't have had better timing, because it allows Jane to seek the space she needs to figure out her heart.

Because she so desperately needs to do that. It isn't as simple as she made it out to be last night. But how else does she explain it? She's Catholic and while she may have thrown pretty much all of that out the window by dating women, there was something to be said about being monogamous and only giving your heart to one person. Being around Maura makes her want to stray from her beliefs and she doesn't understand why. Maura walked away. Why is it now that she has a chance to be happy with a woman who wants her and only her, does she feel this powerful tug of physical attraction when she's around Maura? Worse than that, why does she feel like she would give up her life for her? Why does she feel like she made a mistake? Because she hasn't made a mistake. When she is looking into Melissa's eyes or holding her in her arms she feels warm and safe and home and yet, Maura's touch feels the same damn way. So how the Hell does she explain that?

Fire and ice.

"Jane, are you alright?"

Jane blinks and pulls her arm away from Maura's touch with a little too much exaggeration. She's over done it, she knows that but she just shakes her head and ignores the concern on Maura's face. Jane walks out of the elevator without answering and Maura follows right behind her. She can smell her, hear her and feel her presence. It would feel intoxicating if she didn't feel her own anger coiled like a cobra ready to strike.

"Can we please just talk for a minute? I'm really worried about her, Jane."

Maura's ability to say her name with approximately fifty different inflections didn't usually bother her, but right now every damn word coming out of her mouth bothers Jane.

"Where was that worry when it mattered?" Jane snaps harshly, walking down the hall and out the doors onto the driveway leading between the street and the carpark.

"I didn't realise… I didn't know."

Maura sounds absolutely horrified and once again Jane senses her concern for Melissa remains at the forefront of her mind. Where was this when Melissa was struggling with Gabby leaving her? Where was this when they were still engaged? Where was this before she had the nerve to spill the news about Rachael? Better late than never, Jane supposes.

Jane just keeps walking out onto the street, the same street where a few paces down the road Gabby cold cocked her smack bang in the jaw three years ago. Their jealousy was problematic, it is problematic, it definitely has to stop. Jane looks at Maura and she sees an accomplished, intelligent, wonderful woman who deserves better. She deserves more. Jane knows she can't be what Maura needs and maybe that's why Maura's here. Maybe that's why Maura betrayed her, because last night made it abundantly clear that she chooses Melissa, because she does. Melissa needs her, Maura does not. It's the only way she knows how to come to terms with the feelings she has in her heart for both women and maybe, just maybe this is Maura's way of acknowledging that she understands. Maybe it's Maura's way of taking the hit so that she can breathe again.

Jane looks up and down the street before allowing her eyes to lock onto Maura's. She still feels her anger dangerously coiled, but she wants to give the benefit of the doubt. She wants to find a way to forgive. To find a way forward. She doesn't want to punish Maura for her own fear, especially given she didn't have all the relevant information. "She's been remembering stuff from when she was young."

Maura's eyes shift off into the distance and Jane can read on her face that her thoughts are troubled. Finally after what feels like an eternity Maura quietly asks, "She was sexually abused, wasn't she?"

Jane simply nods.

She doesn't know how to voice it. Or rather, she doesn't want to voice it as if doing so only makes it even more real. Her mind instantly flashes back to an emotionally fragile Melissa simply shattering in her arms as the memories led to profuse sobbing. It doesn't get more real than that. She should be up there with her now, not down here swallowing down every angry urge she feels rising up like bile from her stomach.

"If I had known beforehand, I wouldn't have said anything to her."

Maura's quiet admittance doesn't mean much to Jane at this moment, because the damage is done. She doesn't really know how it could have been avoided either, because it isn't her place to go into details about something deeply disturbing that her girlfriend lived through as a young teen. Well, it could have been avoided if Maura had just kept her nose out of it, but she really doesn't want to think about that right now.

Jane simply shakes her head. She wants to unleash, she wants to yell and scream and just let out every single angry feeling she is holding in, but she doesn't. She doesn't because not all of it is about Maura and she isn't sure there'd be much left of them if she does. She's not ready for this to be over. Whatever this is. God, why do feelings have to be so damn complicated?

"You know where I am, if you decide you want to talk about this." Maura says softly, clearly determined not to let this moment become about them right now. "Go, reassure her that it will be okay."

"I don't know that it will be, Maura."

"Well I do," Maura says defiantly. "Because I know you Jane. I know you will protect that woman with every fibre of your being."

She sounds so serious and genuine and yet Jane can't help but feel Maura's sadness. She feels her ex's understanding of the changed dynamics of their relationship and how much it hurts that she is no longer the one that Jane would protect with everything she has. Jane considers correcting the unspoken between them, but it will only open up a can of worms she is not prepared to deal with right now. She needs to be elsewhere. She needs to be inside. She needs to wrap herself protectively around Melissa like a blanket and not let go until she can breathe again.

Mostly, she just needs to be far away from Maura.

Jane huffs and turns to look back up the driveway. She feels emboldened by Maura's confidence and it's enough to get her moving back towards the hospital. She stops though to look back at Maura who is just standing there watching her leave. "I'm glad it was you with her. Someone else may have taken advantage."

Maura's smile is weak and half hearted, undoubtedly weighed down by thoughts of what did happen in that room. Jane wants to know and she doesn't. "Me too Jane, me too.

There's this brief moment when their eyes connect that every feeling Jane's ever had for this woman comes rushing right back in and it leaves her feeling completely discombobulated. It's too much. She staggers backwards having almost tripped over her feet in her haste to retreat, waving Maura's concern off as if it's nothing. She can't deal with this right now. So she plasters on the fakest smile and heads back inside to try and undo the damage caused in her absence.

There's no energy left for anything more than here and now, because Jane is bone tired. So she focuses on that. She focuses on Melissa. Because she's been bone tired for months and it's only getting worse.

Jane wonders as she steps into the elevator, which is the greater evil potentially coming for Melissa? The homicidal maniac who has mysteriously gone dormant once more, or the abusive grooming ex-lover? A week ago she would have hands down picked option one, but now? Now the question is so much more complicated. It's ridiculous, but her gut tells her that Rachael looms as the biggest threat to Melissa's well being. Perhaps it is a reflection of her own confidence in her ability to figure this out before it goes pear shaped. Either way, either one; they'll have a fight on their hands because she will be damned if she lets another bad thing happen to her girlfriend.

Jane stops by the nurses station when she reaches the mental health ward in the hospital and smiles gratefully at the all too familiar nurse who gives her a sympathetic look in return.

Nancy Arnold is a mainstay on the ward Jane first met three years ago. Nancy hasn't changed much in that time, just a few more wrinkles from smiling. She's one of those people with an approachable, friendly face and demeanour. Her hair is light brown and her eyes blue. Her mind is sharp as a tack, but she carries herself with empathy and courtesy. Jane took an instant liking to her three years ago and she thinks the feeling is mutual. In many ways Jane is relieved that Nancy still works here, because she was always so gentle and caring with Melissa the first time around. It's the kind of tenderness her girlfriend needs now more than ever.

"Thanks for the heads up Nancy. How's she doing?"

"She's still curled up in bed and hasn't moved. You should know there's been a conversation with Doctor Levinson about making this stay mandatory."

Jane feels her entire body deflate as the words sink in. While it makes sense, she can't avoid what feels like an almost never ending surge of guilt in her gut. This feels like her fault, even though Maura is the one that spilled the beans. Immediately her eyes glance towards the room Melissa is in, drawn by the magnetising force that is her love. She wills herself not to move and instead looks back at Nancy and immediately notices nervousness in her demeanour, which tells Jane that there's more and that she isn't going to like it. Jane's eyebrows shoot up in query as she asks, "What else is going on?"

Nancy appears almost apologetic as she says, "Hospital policy, we had to notify next of kin."

Jane stares blankly for a moment, blinking, not processing what this means until it strikes her like lightning right before she hears Nancy clarify further.

"I had to call her wife."

Kelly. Fuck.

"She's apparently on her way."

When it rains it pours. Jane sighs heavily, nods understandingly, aware that Nancy didn't need to legally notify her of this and perhaps shouldn't have at all. It is a kindness Jane appreciates and a warning that in the midst of what has to be the biggest shit storm of her life even more shit is undoubtedly about to be flung all over her in a couple of days time.

Jane smiles weakly in thanks and motions towards the room. "Can I go in?"

"Of course, close the door behind you."

It's a simple statement that declares trust and understanding and that the rapport Jane feels she has with Nancy goes both ways. Nancy knows Jane will not do anything to hurt or upset Melissa and that she will more than likely improve Melissa's responsiveness. Jane appreciates this and offers a tired smile that she knows speaks more than any words she can say will. She walks into Melissa's room, closing the door behind her.

Jane uses the time she takes closing the door, which is honestly a lot longer than needed as she lingers with her hand on the handle and her forehead pressed against the wood, to compose herself. She turns and she takes in the truth in Nancy's statement, Melissa is still curled up clutching at her blankets. This time Melissa's eyes are on her and Jane approaches cautiously, slowly pulling a chair up next to the bed and sitting down.

"Hi sweetheart," Jane murmurs quietly, her eyes roaming, assessing, ensuring she didn't miss anything when she first arrived. "It's okay, you're safe. I'm here."

There's a flash of recognition in Melissa's eyes, but the warmth Jane feels blooming quickly wilts as she realises that there's an almost total absence of anything in Melissa's eyes. It sends chills and danger signals along Jane's spine, which creep along to every nerve ending in her body. The complete detachment is unnerving and explains quite plainly why this stay is being converted from voluntary to mandatory. She needs help; a lot of it. Jane, through some strength reserve she doesn't even realise she has, finds a way to smile softly, even though the coiled cobra-like anger in her body is bristling, ready to strike.

Jane leans forward and rests a hand on the mattress next to Melissa, not willing to force even one thing on her girlfriend. She desperately needs some contact, a reminder that Melissa is still in there somewhere, but she will not force it. She softly says, "I know that a lot happened earlier. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you myself, but I'm here now and I won't let anything else bad happen to you. I promise."

It's a terrible promise, Jane knows this. She can't control every aspect of Melissa's life. She can't take away her autonomy, although the professionals are hellbent on doing that. She can't protect her girlfriend from every little thing in life, or really the big things either. She's still so far from figuring out who and where this psychopath is and how exactly does she stop the damage Rachael continues to cause with her existence? It's a horrendous promise she has no way of keeping, just an iron-like will to do her very best to keep it. That has to be enough.

Jane closes her eyes and for the first time in a very long time, she prays. She talks to a God that she doesn't know if she believes in and a God that she's been taught all her life would punish her for her sins (and there are many of them). She prays for the strength to hold herself together so that she can be strong for those that need her. So that she can be strong for Melissa. She prays for the mental health and physical safety of her girlfriend and the clarity of mind and self to find that break in the case so she can capture the nut job terrorising this city and her friends. Finally she prays for a sign that she is on the right path. Any sign, big or small. She just needs a sign.

Melissa's hand slides into hers and grips her tightly. Immediately Jane feels comforted. She opens her eyes, glances skyward and utters a silent thank you before turning her eyes back onto her girlfriend. "Hey," she utters quietly.

Melissa doesn't really smile, but her face softens and in her eyes Jane finds life. She finds a maelstrom of pain, but she finds life and that is progress she can get behind.

"Hi." Melissa's voice is barely above a whisper, and she still seems so timid.

Jane wonders if her girlfriend is aware of her actions, or if her mind completely blanked out. Part of her doesn't want to know. The slight smearing of Maura's lipstick on Melissa's lips sticks out like a sore thumb and Jane's heart throbs a lot like a sore thumb would.

Melissa rubs her lips either because she can see Jane's fixation or because she remembers, Jane isn't sure which, she's just glad that the offending substance is now gone.

"I'm sorry," Melissa says firmly, her eyes welling with fresh tears. Her face falls and Jane feels that too. It's a sinking feeling in her gut, not an intense one like she gets when something really awful is about to happen and her sixth sense kicks in, but a sort of gentle sinking. A melancholic sadness at the fear she now see's in almost frantic looking eyes and a voice that sounds startled as she verbalises what Jane already knows. "I kissed her."

Jane hopes that her face remains as soft as she is trying to be, because hearing those words out loud causes her to flinch a little. It hurts to think about and jealousy fuels her blood in this moment, but much like her anger she swallows it down. Mostly because who is she to judge? Melissa isn't the only one to have kissed Maura recently and quite frankly the kiss she shared with Maura was a Hell of a lot more dangerous than an unreturned kiss during a moment of huge emotional distress. It's the small little nagging voice in the back of her head questioning why she's jealous in the first place that she wishes to ignore.

Jane doesn't say anything, because she isn't going to forgive her girlfriend for something that needs no forgiveness. She bites back a witty retort about understanding the inclination and intimating that they're now even, because there's no evening up between the two kisses. They were vastly different and only a fool wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Jane is no fool, she knows her kiss was the greater sin.

Melissa shifts and Jane snaps to attention all thoughts pushed away as she tracks the movement of her girlfriend away from the side of the bed she had been laying on. At first Jane thinks she's retreating into herself but she then understands as Melissa gently pats the mattress beside her. Jane doesn't even hesitate, she kicks off her shoes and takes her jacket off, hanging it over the back of the chair. She climbs onto the bed and slides under the covers with her girlfriend. Melissa shifts around and scoots back into Jane who lets out a relieved sigh as she wraps her girlfriend in her arms. Big spoon is comfortable territory for Jane. This role she understands and while there is plenty to talk about she understands that right now more than anything else, Melissa needs comfort. So that is what Jane provides.

"I love you," Melissa murmurs quietly.

Jane presses her lips against the back of Melissa's head. For the first time since she initially walked into the room the anger in her body fades and the tension in her body melts away. "I love you too."

I can be the villain.

It had been a very simple thought when Maura had it this morning. She woke much too early, having hardly slept after Jane's heartfelt conversation. She woke with an ache in her chest; a dull pain that felt like it would spread to every cell in her body. Her heart was broken. Jane, while having practically admitted there was still something between them, had made it very clear she wasn't the one. There wouldn't be any further exploration of the magnetic force that kept drawing them together. There couldn't be.

In hindsight, as she stands at the nurses station of Ward 3D at the Launceston General Hospital, Maura knows Jane has made the only decision she can make given who she is as a person. Her noble intention to remove the main barrier between Jane and her perceived happiness has backfired terribly. Because while Maura fully embraced the idea of being the villain, she was thinking more along the lines of someone going too far in their grief. The kind of person that while they did something horrible it made sense. It wouldn't necessarily be forgiven anytime soon, but it could be eventually. That was her hope.

That isn't her reality. She isn't a damaged antagonist in Jane's eyes, she's a sociopath. In hindsight, she would never have said a single word to Melissa. She would have let Jane figure it out on her own. But there's no changing that now. What's done is done and Maura's heart hurts for all three of them in this situation. Jane was too calm, and even as she now makes her way down the hall with the nurse's approval, she knows that there's a dangerous storm brewing in Jane's mind. Hell really hath no fury like Jane Rizzoli scorned and Maura hopes her smile as she greets Gabby hides the soul crushing ache she feels in anticipation of facing that fury.

Maura draws a seat close to the bed and sits down, feeling confident that her face doesn't betray the absolute mess she has just made of three lives.

Gabby's eyes are bright and attentive. She's clearly due for more pain medication soon given her lucidity. "What's wrong?"

Maura simply stares for a moment. She is sure she kept her face neutral. She is sure she presents as cool, calm and collected and yet Gabby's eyes are narrowing and meeting her own gaze head on. Maura attempts to brush off the concern, but feels flustered by the situation and can't find a suitable word to use in denial.

Maura realises as she's staring into green eyes, that in her earnest attempt to play villain and save Jane some heartache, she forgot about the impact of her actions on her best friend. She forgot about how sharing this news with Melissa would make Gabby feel and because her world already feels like it is teetering on the edge of disaster, tears begin flowing thick and fast. Maura shakes her head almost imperceptibly as she opens her mouth and clamps it shut multiple times. What can she say?

Gabby shifts, grimacing, clearly feeling the pain of her healing abdominal injuries. Immediately Maura lunges forward and places a hand on her shoulder, stilling her movement. "I made a terrible mistake."

Maura hears her own tone and isn't surprised that Gabby stops moving. If the situation was reversed she would be feeling her stomach drop in fear of what is to come. She watches Gabby swallow nervously and she knows she has to elaborate. There's no point dragging this out any longer, because delaying the inevitable will only mean delaying facing the consequences. "I told Melissa the truth about Rachael."

A myriad of emotions cross Gabby's face, but she remains silent. It's unnerving because unlike with Jane, Maura cannot figure out the primary emotion that Gabby is feeling. She wants to prompt a response but in her mind she likens the idea to poking a snake with a stick. It cannot possibly end well, so Maura sits in silence and refuses to look at the heart monitor, which would tell her more than she deserves to know right now. This is Gabby's time to feel and respond.

Finally after what feels like an eternity Gabby says, "I need to make a phone call."

Maura is surprised. Of all the reactions, this is not the one she considered a possibility. The shock leaves her sitting, staring at Gabby, unmoving.

"Maura," Gabby prods, "If Missy knows it is only going to be a matter of time before she calls Monica. We need to let her know."

Oh.

It never even occurred to her that Monica didn't know. The poor woman already has so much on her plate and now she has to process this? Maura tries to imagine learning that someone she loves and thinks has been dead for a decade has in fact been alive that entire time and hasn't even attempted to make contact. She can't really tell if it's that feeling she imagines or just the heartache from inevitably losing Jane. Either way, it hurts, it's horrible and goodness she really has set the ball rolling on this one.

"I'll call." Maura says firmly, making her mind up. She doesn't want Gabby exerting more than necessary and this conversation, she imagines, isn't going to be an easy one.

"Are you sure?" Gabby doesn't look confident.

Maura doesn't think it matters who makes the call. There's no handbook for this, either one of them may struggle to get Monica to believe them. If anything, her own no nonsense nature probably works in their favour. "I think it would be more believable coming from me."

Gabby nods and Maura motions towards the exit, "I'll make the call outside."

Maura can feel Gabby's eyes glued to her as she walks towards the doorway and it causes her to stop and look back trepidatiously, "Why didn't you question my decision?"

Gabby's eyes are soft and her voice gentle, "Because I know you, Maura. You were looking out for them both in your own way."

For a moment, Maura feels lighter, she feels seen. She smiles softly and she see's Gabby's love for her shimmering in her eyes and for a moment Maura wonders about a world where Jane never showed up. She wonders about the life she could have built with this woman and a different sadness settles in her stomach. They could have been something really special.

Maura pushes her thoughts away and quietly says, "I'll be back."

"I'll be here."

"I need to go home." Monica's voice is quiet as her eyes lift towards Brad while he closes the patio door behind him.

Brad is weary. Months of taking care of a dying man and a pre-grieving mother has taken a toll. It's taken a toll on them both. She isn't sure what to expect as her utterance is seemingly out of nowhere.

Monica knows she will have to elaborate further, but before she says anything else he sits down next to her on the hand built wooden bench his grandfather made when he was in his twenties. His hand immediately engulfs her own as their fingers intertwine. His squeeze is gentle as his eyes search hers.

"Okay," he says simply. There's no outrage, no indignant sense of abandonment, no anxiety at having to do all this with his parents alone. None of that.

Monica feels relief flood her body as she isn't sure she has the words to explain. She has to try, of course, because while he is showing his love and compassion for her, she will not feel good leaving him without an explanation. Only, how on earth does she explain it? She's still trying to wrap her head around it in the first place.

"That was Maura," she says.

Brad's eyes light up a little at the mention of his good friend and fellow American. It's nice to see a little life in his eyes instead of the weariness that's become the norm. "Oh yeah? What did she have to say?"

There's a brief pause while Monica finishes digesting the news delivered on the phone moments before. She doesn't know what to feel. Or rather, she doesn't want to acknowledge that she feels a lot of very dark, bleak things and not the astounding exuberance one might expect as an initial reaction before reality sets in. Her mind has skipped straight to the angry questions she has for her sister. Her apparently very alive sister.

Monica's face tightens, she feels it, but she can't stop it. "There's honestly no sugar coating this pill," she says, her eyes focusing on his face to gauge his reaction as she continues, "Apparently, my sister is alive and well. This whole time."

It's the nearly venomous drip to her voice during her final sentence that she knows catches him off guard, but still he says nothing. Instead he chooses to sweep her into his arms, pulling her onto his lap and wrapping her up tightly. She slips her own arms around his body and clings to him, her face burying against his shoulder as grief from years of mourning her sister threatens to overwhelm her. She's angry, so very angry that she was thrust into a situation where she had to set her own feelings aside so often to keep her parents and Melissa together in Rachael's absence and now she finds out it was all a ruse?

"Nine fucking years," Monica says angrily.

"I know." He says, his hands rubbing up and down her back.

"I buried her."

"I know."

"It nearly killed mum."

"I know."

"And Missy," Monica's heart lurches, she can't stop it.

She wants to make this moment about her, but it isn't who she is. She wants to sit in Brad's lap with his arms around her and share all her hurt and her pain, but he knows it all without her saying a word. He has been here for her every step of the way. He has supported her even when her choices made little sense to him. Even when they made little sense to her. Even now her desire to go home isn't about her, it's about Melissa and Monica is of little doubt that he knows this too.

"She knows."

He doesn't say anything this time, but his arms tighten and it's confirmation of everything Monica knows about this man. He understands now. Because of all the grief she feels. Of all the questions she has (it is her sister after all). Melissa will have so many more and her heart isn't stable. Her head is even less stable.

Monica draws back so she can make eye contact. He needs to understand that her reasoning around her decisions in the past regarding her desire to be there for Melissa have shifted slightly. She still needs to be there for her best friend, but the ache in her gut is unsettling and he is the one person that gets it. "I chose to protect her because it's what Rachael would do and I've stepped away in her greatest time of need, Brad. She's been going through Hell in my absence."

He knows. Every tidbit of information she got, be it from Melissa's sporadic calls or Gabby's sporadic calls, was passed along. She put him first because she had to and because he had been an incredibly patient man in their time together. He listened when she told him what was going on back home. So much of it she found out entirely too late to do anything about. It sounded like Melissa was finally on the road to a better life even if it was eyebrow raising for both her and Brad to learn that Melissa and Jane were together again.

Rachael's return threatened that.

"I know you need me here," Monica admits, searching his eyes for any sign of resentment or anger, but she finds none.

"You'll be here when I need you most." He says quietly in return, "As long as you're sure this is something you need to do as much for you as for her, then I support it. Go home. I'll be alright."

Monica readjusts so that she can wrap one arm around his neck, while the other hand gently presses against his cheek, her thumb grazing tenderly across his skin near the corner of his mouth. She takes a moment to appreciate the handsome chisel of his jaw and the love reflecting back at her in his eyes.

At this moment she knows she is so very fortunate to have not had to endure the kind of heartache that those she cares about have in their attempts to find a life partner. She lucked out meeting this man when they were young. The high school romance that people only see on television nowadays, except there's no marrying too young and growing resentful. They made sure they were right for one another first, and right now she feels like she did on their wedding day. She feels like the luckiest woman alive. Life might like taking them for a ride, but they have each other and that is enough.

Monica presses her lips against his and they share a brief gentle kiss before she pulls back just enough to say, "I need answers."

"Yeah," Brad says, the first sign of any real negative emotion in his voice. "You're owed all of them."

There's an indignant fire burning in his eyes now, but Monica smiles, appreciative that this man knows her so well. His indignance is on her behalf. He is ready to go to war, but he is needed here and so she won't ask that of him. It's just really nice knowing he has her back.

"Don't you worry, I'm damn well going to get them."

The first thing Jane notices when Jacob introduces her to his boyfriend Brian, brother of her top suspect Justin Graham, is the earnest look in dazzling blue eyes. The eyes are the most striking blue she's ever seen and that says something given how often she finds herself lost in Melissa's eyes. Her heart immediately clenches fiercely in her chest at the mere thought of her girlfriend. She absolutely hated having to leave, but this is important and her girlfriend is in good hands.

Brian's handshake is firm. Jane smiles politely and says, "Nice to meet you Brian, I'm sorry it's under such unfortunate circumstances."

"I'm just relieved someone's taking this seriously," Brian answers, his smile a disarming one as he opens his arms and welcomes her into his home.

Brian's shoulders are broad and she can tell he works out, at least one thing he has in common with Jacob. She follows both men into the living room and sits in the armchair that she's guided to. Jacob and Brian settle down on the couch next to one another and both men peer at her expectantly.

Jane has the casefile for Justin's disappearance memorised like the back of her hand, partially because she has read through it multiple times now and partially because there really isn't much to it. She can tell from the pensive look on Brian's face that he's ready for her to jump right in, so she skips any further pleasantries. "I've read through the initial report and it's pretty thin, I'm hoping you might remember some details that you didn't back then."

"May 1st." Brian says firmly, his eyes honing in on her. "Every year on the 1st of May our parents would throw an elaborate birthday bash for us both. He didn't show. That's what I know."

Jane sees instantly that Brian isn't happy, presumably because he thinks he has little to offer. Jane views it differently. "Let's talk about the days leading up to the birthday party. Did you talk to Justin much?"

Brian's face creases a little, making it clear he is thinking back. He says, "We talked multiple times a week. I know I would have talked to him a couple of times."

Jane needs insight, but she can't just lay it all out there. She needs to see what he knows without giving away her goal. Because the report basically said Justin missed his birthday party and stopped showing up for work, but there was zero sign of a struggle at his home. It was impeccably neat, but not excessively clean. Plenty of prints were found and they all belonged to Justin and known acquaintances, who all had airtight alibis. The only oddity was that his phone, wallet and identification were all left at home. It was as if he just disappeared off the face of the earth. The detectives that investigated suspected suicide, but no body was ever recovered.

"Did he say anything that you thought was strange at the time? Was he agitated or frustrated with aspects of his life?"

Brian's eyes narrow and he sounds exasperated already as he responds, "Look, I know you're just doing your job but like I told the detectives back then, Justin didn't kill himself."

"Is it possible he just wanted to start over somewhere else?" Jane asks, her eyes briefly glancing in Jacob's direction. He forces a half smile, perhaps in an attempt to ease tension, but he's sitting with his hands in his lap and his eyes return to his boyfriend. It can't be easy for him right now.

"Why would he do that?" Brian asks, "Why would he let Mum and Dad think something happened to him? Why would he let me think that? That wasn't… isn't who he is."

Jane clocks the change in tense, but from the look of sadness on Brian's face it feels much more like holding out hope than having any actual knowledge. "So what do you think happened?"

Brian's eyes flick over to the window briefly. Jacob's hand reaches across his lap towards Brian's but he's rebuffed with a gentle push away. The hurt in Jacob's eyes is hard to miss, but Brian's clearly in a world of his own pain. Because he is being forced to think about the possibilities. Finally his eyes return to her and he shrugs, "I don't know. I just know that I haven't heard from him in nearly ten years and his body hasn't shown up. He wouldn't kill himself and he wouldn't leave like that. He just wouldn't."

Brian sounds so adamant, and Jane can't really blame him. Families don't always get the whole picture though, especially when their loved one is a police officer. If her family knew half of what she went through they would struggle to sleep at night. "What about Liam? How did Justin feel about his disappearance?"

Jane watched Brian's jaw tighten and she felt like she hit a nerve. She doesn't want to press too hard though, so she waits for his answer.

"What about it? They were friends at the academy."

Jane leans forward as she studies Brian closely. "Jacob told me that Justin came clean about the sexual assault. Is it possible that the combination of Liam's disappearance and the lies your brother told to protect him haunted him?"

Brian shook his head. "He felt bad because he let that guy twist his arm into corroborating a lie. But he wasn't gonna go kill himself over it."

Jane worries that they will get stuck on this point if she continues down this path so she shifts gears slightly, "Perhaps there was an accident. Did Justin like to do outdoor activities like hiking or skiing? Did he have any favourite remote spots he liked to visit?"

"Just our grandfather's cabin at Hillwood. Wouldn't exactly call it remote. But the cops looked there too, they didn't find anything." Brian explains, his shoulders drooping a little.

Jane makes a mental note to further investigate the property and more importantly, find out where exactly Hillwood is on the map. She throws a cursory glance in Jacob's direction and he nods at her. Jane shifts in her seat and asks, "Did Justin ever talk about Liam outside of the assault?"

"Not really," Brian answers, rubbing the back of his neck. "Why are you asking all these questions about Liam?"

Jane's eyes drift back towards Jacob who decides to interject, "We're trying to figure out a fresh avenue of investigation. Are you sure he didn't have a crush on Liam?"

"Really, Jacob? More of that? I told you when we were looking at those old photos that it didn't mean anything. He was not into guys, I would have known that." Brian dismisses adamantly.

"Do you think I could look at the photographs in question?" Jane interjects before Jacob can respond,

Brian huffs as he stands up, leaving Jane wondering why he feels so put out, but she surmises that he is probably feeling frustrated by the lack of answers in the last nine years. It's an eerily similar situation to what her own girlfriend is facing, except instead of being sure for those nine years that his brother is dead only for that not to be the case, he's been holding out hope. Though Jane imagines it must be hard to still believe. At this point Brian must surely be looking for closure more than anything.

When Brian walks out of the room Jane takes a moment to look around the room. It's a spacious living room that has a half wall separating it from the kitchen, while the rest of it opens into the landing of the stairs, where there is also a dining table with six chairs set up. She noticed a hall to the right of the stairs when they ascended. The walls are standard looking off white and the carpet is plush and dark blue. The black leather couch is backed up against the wall beside the stairs and on the opposite wall a 55 inch plasma television is mounted. The chair she's sitting in is off to the side and there's another armchair beside her, both of them matching black leather. In front of the couch is a glass topped stained pine coffee table. There's a matching entertainment unit underneath the television, with a DVD player and what looks like a set top box for satellite television.

"Nice place," Jane comments when Jacob looks over at her nervously.

"Thanks," he says quietly. He looks haunted and Jane wonders what's going on in his head.

Before she can check up on him, Brian returns and hands her a photo album. She starts slowly flicking through it, quickly locating the picture that Jacob described to her. She looks between the photograph and the two men before looking back at what is quite clearly a very infatuated looking man. Jacob was absolutely spot on with his observation, as far as she is concerned. Though as she looks through the photographs there is one more thing that strikes her as fascinating. Justin and Brian are identical twins.

Her gut tells her it's time to go and so she stands, hands the album back to Brian and offers him a sympathetic smile. "Thank you for your time. I promise you I will look into this further and see if I can uncover something that was missed. It can't be easy not knowing one way or another."

Brian nods. "It really isn't. Thanks for taking it seriously."

Jane pulls one of her cards out her pocket with her work number on it and hands it to him. "If you remember anything else you think might be important, don't hesitate to contact me."

Brian takes the card and offers his hand, shaking Jane's once more before pocketing it. Jacob walks her out and when they're standing at her car she asks, "Where's Hillwood?"

Jacob laughs and says, "There's a turn off on the East Tamar Highway headed to George Town. I'll take you to the cabin tomorrow if you have time."

Jane has all the time in the world while following up this case. Alec can do the grunt work in trying to find Bertie who is still hiding out somewhere. Any excuse she has to be away from him is fantastic, because after the day she's had worrying about Melissa, she only wants to punch him harder. She's trying very hard not to give into that base instinct. "Sounds like a plan. We'll talk more then. You have a good night, Jacob."

His smile is genuine. "You too, Jane."

A/N: Not the longest chapter this time, sorry for that, but we're reaching a point where the story is going to start shifting into the next phase. You'll have maybe noticed I wrote this all current tense instead of past tense. I struggle with tenses so I am practicing being better at them so I apologise if that threw any of you off. I'm aiming to tell a fun story for me (deliver Rizzles for y'all) AND improve my writing as I go, so you'll have noticed a few different changes from the first chapter til now. Thanks for reading everyone and be sure to tell me your thoughts.