A/N This whole string of sketches is going to be pretty light-hearted, but rated T for the language – it's McCoy for you, there is never enough language. Nooverboard four-letter words though, because (though it's easy to guess that McCoy knows all kinds of cussing) the doctor is a Southern Gentleman and does not go too overboard publicly. The T rating also goes for sexual topics, should they arise later (and with Jim Kirk here – they definitely should). But _no_porn and _no_ slash in any of my stories, ever.
Three parts here in this chapter, loosely connected (I prefer well-packed chapters with enough contents to them, not putting out little tidbits for the sake of numbers).
The topic of food on the Enterprise is a huge medical concern, so let's imagine how the crew never hears the end of it. Starting, of course, with the Captain and the First Officer - because these two have very distinctive issues with food, and opposite ones at that. By the way, McCoy calling Spock "anorexic" is not a diagnosis here, it's just his hasty way of labeling things when he is annoyed. McCoy is aware of the peculiarities of the Vulcan physiology that include "survival mode" (or what may also be called "fasting"). And anyway, Spock is definitely not some impressionable girl with body image problems who deprives herself of food because of the unrealistic fashion standards and low self-esteem (that's what anorexia is about). Spock's bouts of fasting have other reasons, and McCoy is capable of treating it scientifically – but when he is ranting and fussing, he often says illogical things ;).
This chapter is taking place somewhere well into the 5-year mission, not any particular episode – Captain Kirk disappeared or was abducted many times in TOS, and very possibly outside the aired episodes too. It is definitely not "The Tholian Web" time anyway, Dr. McCoy is in his right mind here and all his ranting is simply concern. But it's McCoy, and there is never enough dramatic ;). Also the last part is not connected to any particular episode, they visit starbases quite often.
.
.
You Are What You Eat
.
I don't know what to do with him! I give up! I'm tired of trying to make him eat!
Hell, I can't give up, because if he starves himself to death, Jim will kill me… If we find Jim, of course… And how can we find Jim if even this pointy-eared science genius can't trace him, and so he is starving himself to death? That's what he always does when he says he's busy. Busy, my arse! Every time Jim gets in trouble off the ship and goes missing – the hobgoblin freaks out and goes freaking anorexic. Like I don't have Jim now to worry about?!
And now Jim has disappeared again, we're already weeks looking for him. And Spock is now Acting Captain and he is not eating jack! How's he gonna run this damn ship if he's freaking starving? Hobgoblin!.. Now look at him! If you still find what to look at… And Jim calls me "Bones"? That green-blooded bastard gets even greener when he starves himself like that… Time to start sleeping in a coffin, 'cause that's how he looks already! But he doesn't give a damn, 'cause it's the Vulcan Way to not give a damn…
Look at him… oh, he's not here in the mess hall? What a surprise! Just like every damn day of this week! And the week before, and the week before and hell knows for how long. I come and he's not here. I call him to sickbay for a health check – and he's not there. He's not even on the bridge for two days, whenever I go up there. Like I have time to play hide-and-seek!
Hey, Science Department, where's your dear boss? Where did you hide his mummified body?
What, "how can I say such awful things"? It's he who does awful things to himself! And my job is to freaking keep him alive, even if he wants to starve himself to death. Am I the only one telling him that? Have y'all picked up his habit to not give a damn? I don't care about his privacy! I'm a doctor, not a Tooth Fairy! So help me God, I'll put him on intravenous when I find him! And put y'all on a no-sugar diet if you don't help me find him now!
Okay, Deck Two, here we go… They say he's in Astrometrics now. Living on pure starlight already, are we, Spock? Saint Spock, above the mundane flesh crap! Dammit, I shouldda fetched a couple of sandwiches from the mess… Ha, like he eats sandwiches! I don't even know what he eats anymore… It's been weeks!.. All those god-awful Vulcan delicacies Christine tried to bribe him with – untouched! At least he doesn't throw plates at her anymore. But at this rate he soon won't be able to even lift them up…
Hellooo, anybody here? Oh, shit!.. No, Lieutenant, I'm alright, thank you. But those buttons are all messed up now. Anyone else with you, here in this pitch-black? Where's Commander Spock? It's urgent! What do you mean "he left"? Half an hour ago?
Spock, I'm gonna kill you! If you haven't dropped dead already… Is that the part where I call Security and drag you to Sickbay by your pointed ears? Search shipwide for your cold green emaciated corpse? Damn you, Spock… Sulu is at the conn all day today. Where are you?!
Computer, locate Commander Spock. Aha, his quarters… Good. Tri-ox, saline solution or sonambulin? Or all of them? And psychotropic stuff in the bunch – but then, how will his system react, he's had jack in his mouth for weeks… But he's definitely out of his Vulcan mind! Or better call security and drag him by his… Never mind, Ensign, just talking to myself.
Deck Five! Spock, you better be there. One last time I'm not calling the damn Security… You crazy stubborn green-blooded pointy-eared…
Oh, here you are! Finally! What do you mean "where else should you be"? Let me guess… Bridge? Mess hall? Remember that place? And all the labs today are telling me that you've "just left". Half a day to waste today, running after you… What are you even running on now? Cosmic rays? Vulcan voodoo?
No, Mister, you sit still and let the doctor do his job! Tri-ox and saline never harmed anyone. And here's the pad with your diet plan for the next month, you anorexic Vulcan yogi. Starting slow and then increasing nutrient values. Gotta grow some meat on those bones. I'll be checking you! And don't you make that face at me!.. What face? That face. What's left of it, anyway…
Hell, look at you! No, you look at my tricorder. See that? The levels? What does your big superior Vulcan brain tell you about it? Spock, I heard all about your survival mode – but it's been weeks! I doubt if that big brain of yours still works right… And don't you even try to tell me you're alright! Worried as hell and exhausting yourself! You want me to relieve you of duty?!
What, you've got something interesting on your screen too? Wait, I'll give you another saline…
Dammit, Spock, what are you trying to achieve, doing this to yourself? "No time to eat", my arse! You're not an energy being… well, yet. Good chance of turning into one pretty soon… I can see through you already… Okay, okay, I'm looking at your screen, what is it?
Spock, I'm a doctor, not an astrophysicist! I don't care about your fancy nebulae and their qualities; I care about your blood cells and your brain! You don't eat, you don't sleep, and you're mooning over some damn colorful nebula! Spock, your choice: you go to sickbay with me (I'll call enforcement if I must!) or I put you to sleep here now and tomorrow you show up at the mess hall. Now what?
Yeah, yeah, I've looked already… At this too… Wait, you mean this? This looks like… DNA sequence. Human DNA. And the markers are… JIM?!
Spock… I'll be damned. You what, you invented a whole new scanner for this? With this range too? And it's working? That must be Jim there, who else…
No, no, Commander, you're not going to the bridge now. It's umpteen light years to go there, it'll take all night. Now use your damn logic and think about yourself! You can send all this stuff through ship network and command all this stuff on the intercom. The navigators will take care of the rest. They'll manage! And you must take care of yourself, you crazy Vulcan workaholic… How will you save Jim if you pass out on the rescue mission?
Spock! You did great, damn you, but now rest, okay? Or I will command that mission tomorrow! Aha, you don't trust me to? Trust me as your doctor then! Off to bed with you!
Pfff… finally. All the good little Vulcans go to sleep… Yes, it's a sleep drug. I take no chances, I know you.
Good night, you anorexic genius… Damn, Jim's gonna kill me when we find him…
.
.
Jim, the hell are you doing?! I told you to rest, not to binge!
Yeah, yeah, of course I'll have a drink… You sure drive a man to drink. You and that obstinate hobgoblin you have for a First Officer…
"What did he do again"? Dammit, Jim, don't you know he freaking starves himself every time you go missing! Helps him think, he says! Helps him to wind himself up even more, if you ask me! Helps him to punish himself, for your disappearance on his watch!
Oh, and what am I to do when he gets like this? Tie him to bed and feed him intravenously? I thought about it! But then again – it was he who finally figured out how to find you. Just like before. But if you go missing again, he'll starve himself again. So you better stop doing that, Jim…
Oh, you can't help it? Part of the explorer's job, you say? Well, and I've got my job to do! What am I gonna do if you both… Oh, nevermind… Cheers.
Scotty's grace, that whiskey? I guess the poor guy is so glad to have you back, he'll give you all the whiskey he has… Don't you set him up on it. I had to give him anti-anxiety meds all this time, as we dashed back and forth looking for you. At least he takes them willingly… But that pointy-eared science genius, I had to chase him around the ship with hyposprays. It's literally the first time he's eaten anything in weeks, Jim, only when you sat down to eat with him!
Yeah, you heard right. He single-handedly invented and built that high-range scanner and made the programming for it. Worked on it instead of sleep and meals… The whole Engineering Department is still drooling with admiration. A new word in Starfleet tech! They finished the fine tuning yesterday night, after I knocked him out for some sleep… I helped them a little, to hone better on your DNA markers. But who am I in the shadow of the Great Spock? Even if there's only a shadow left of him now… Hope he's asleep already…
No-no, Jim, you put that cake away already! You haven't lost a single pound! You have actually gained about ten! Wasn't such a bad captivity at all, huh?
Yeah, I read the mission reports about those aliens. And how they kept you in their menagerie, on a station in that nebula. Spock has given them hell today, I heard. Trust a hungry Vulcan to get vengeful.
Jim, I know you're stressed out too. I've seen your hormone levels. I can imagine what you've thought all this time. But I know what you do when you're stressed out – you binge! It harms you… You've had a good dinner today – so what's with all those cakes and sweets at night? How did you even get this much for yourself? Oh, Spock helped with the replicator… Naturally.
Jim, really, enough sugar for tonight. I'm not the one to spoil you rotten, even if Scotty and Spock are both glad to. That's enough sweet stuff here for a week! Cholesterol, insulin, insomnia – don't even get me started. You can't gobble it all up at once. It's not like they starved you there in the menagerie? Quite the opposite. And they seemed pretty civilized to me anyway. We didn't have to wreck their station to get you back, though Spock probably wanted to. What did they feed you by the way?
Mostly pasta and processed meat and animal fat? And mayonnaise, and pizza? Dear God… Not so civilized after all. Or they do dirty experiments on humans?
Oh, I see. Visited Earth a few centuries ago and have data on Typical American eating patterns… Applied them to you, naturally.
But how come they missed out on the sugar? No data? Oh, they simply don't have the resources… But our ship does, how lucky for you.
Alright, Captain, you are officially going on cholesterol watch and on vegetarian detox for the next month. Right there with your First Officer, a Starfleet Vegan Club. I can even put a sign on your favorite mess table. Only he gets high calories and you get low ones. And don't you two reverse it when I'm not looking!
Come on, Jim, time for bed. Don't make me put you to bed like your hobgoblin did… I'm a doctor, not your Mom.
Oh, I am, you say? Shut up, Jim, and go brush your teeth! I don't want you to get caries in the bargain!
No, no, Captain, it not "yourchocolate" anymore! Confiscated for medical purposes! I deserve something to restore my wrecked nerves after all this…
.
.
Okay, let's see if they have decent cooks at this gathering…
I don't wanna hear it! Starbase party or not, you two keep to your respective diets! No meat, no sugar for you, Captain, and… whatever vegetarian stuff, but _full plate of it_ for you, Commander. I am right here, remember!
Yes, you are allowed to "at least drink at the party". Even you, Spock. But no starving and no junk food! How simple is that, huh?
Spock, stop being so picky… Since when do you "like" or "don't like" anything? Relax and enjoy! You have no food limitations in your diet.
Jim, Jim, not this – this! And stop pouting at me; it works only on women…
Pfff… Do they even have any normal human food here? Can a doctor have a decent meal?
Oh… they don't?
What the hell is that? How do I know if it was growing, flying or crawling before getting on the table?
Here, Spock, looks like a nice big starchy vegetable for you. Don't thank me… What's that face again?
What do you mean, "it's an animal and it's alive"?!
.
.