Bump in the Night
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Note/ This takes place in the later part of the five-year mission, "the animated series era", because there are other aliens besides Spock on the ship. Nurse Chapel still has a big crush on Spock, and Doctor McCoy is now a welcome guest in Spock's quarters. It all starts in the sickbay though… Close to midnight, as a ghost story should…
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What the… Ahhhh, shhhhit!
(sounds of glass breaking, as the Doctor drops a tray of beakers because Nurse Chapel rushes screaming through the sickbay door and bumps into him)
The hell are you doing?! Running like crazy!
Really?! A ghost? In the corridor? What nonsense, Christine! How old are you?
Oh, now I am rude! Asking a lady her age! And the lady storming in, screaming and nearly knocking her boss down – it's not rude? Here's a buttload of beakers on the floor! My day's work! And it's not gonna be me to clean up the mess! I was working, hurting no one, just going to wrap and then…
A ghost scared you, you say again? Come on, Christine, we're on a freaking starship! No ghosts here. Only aliens – and you know them all. Weird, but nothing supernatural. Hobgoblins, cat girls, three-armed freaks, snail-antennae ones… But sure no ghosts.
There, there, Christine… Never thought I'd see you panicking like that. The ghost was crying, now you're crying… Must be contagious.
Okay, am I getting a tranquillizer for you or are you gonna calm down and tell me what really happened?
Go and see myself? I'm a doctor, not a Ghostbuster! I have no time for this kind of jokes! You've just ruined my exobiology tests! That's what I care about!
No, Christine, it's childish, stop it, really. Okay, maybe someone spooked you in the dark or maybe played a prank on you – I won't put it past Sulu and Chekov, or those Engineering boys… Or it was just shadows. And you are only too ready to get scared.
Really, what's to be scared of? Ghost, pffff! It's probably just Spock sleepwalking as usual. Oh well, he doesn't sleep, just roams the corridors at night when he "needs to think". People bump into him all the time. But I thought you'd be only glad to…
Dressed in a black cloak? Spock's got a black cloak all right. You saw him wearing it at the parties. Looks like Dracula in it. Or Satan himself. Makes every party seem like Halloween… But you like him in it, so what's to be scared of?
Green face? Looks like our dear Mr. Spock all right. Especially when he's not sleeping and eating for days.
What, I'm not listening? I'm trying to! Okay, okay, Christine, if it's "not all about Mr. Spock on this ship", then what is it about? Though I really don't know why you would object…
Green head, all of it? Hmmm… no one on this ship with green hair that I can recall. Unless Spock's suddenly contracted some strange Vulcan decease… Yeah, yeah, not Spock, I get it!
Pale-green head, looking moldy? And the face shapeless and drooping, while Mr. Spock's features are "strong and finely chiseled"? Aha, I'll tell him what you say about that rigid mask he calls face!
Wow, Christine, that's rude! You don't tell your boss to "shut up"!
Alright, alright, maybe I'm being silly… I'm just trying to distract you and calm you down – with hardly any success…
Well, Christine, we do what now. We share a glass of brandy and call it a night, and go have a rest. You are relieved from the rest of your shift. Mine ended hours ago, by the way. There's Nurse Blackwood* on the emergency station - she'll manage, it's quiet tonight. What do you say?
Ooo-kay, here's one for you, here's one for me… Here we go… Holy shit!
(the sound of glasses dropping on the floor)
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
Yes, I am Doctor McCoy! Who the hell are you?!
Ensign Mezzasalma?** Like hell you are! Christine, call security, intruder alert!
Hmm, no, wait a minute… Intruders don't cry and sob like this. Hey, you, you stay right where you are while I scan you! My nurse is at the intercom and another one is getting a phaser! Don't move!
The scanner says "human"… You don't look human! Not with that head! What's that, some tetter or tumor? Alien infection? It burns, you say? Chapel, Blackwood – prepare the isolation chamber!
Gloves, gloves, dammit… here they are. You too, nurses, gloves and decontamination afterwards! A case of unknown infection aboard! Looking pretty scary too – you were right, Christine…
Okay, Ensign Mezzasalma, if that's really you… Just one little pluck of that green stuff for biopsy. It won't hurt… Oh, it really didn't hurt? Interesting… Then I'll take a couple more.
Chamber ready? Take her there and ask what she did recently that she managed to contract this stuff… Burn whatever is that black thing she's wearing. And don't forget to decontaminate yourselves!
Me? I'll do the tests first.
God, what a mess here… Like an elephant broke into a glassware store… We have any goddamn beakers left or not?!
Oh, some Petri dishes here, good. This one goes under scanner, this one we'll look at closely ourselves…
Ah-ha… Hmmm… And it sure as hell looks familiar… Where did I see it before?
Computer, search the database for similarities.
I'll be damned… That's it! By why in God's galaxy did she get soaked in it?
Hey, Christine, Ally, come here! You wouldn't believe it!
What, Christine is still in decon? Tell her that's enough. Disgusting stuff here for sure, but not as dangerous as it looks. And Ally! Turn on the infra-red in the chamber for the Ensign. The heat must kill this stuff on her sure enough. Anyway, we'll do a full decon cycle later, in an hour maybe. And then give the girl a good shower. She'll need it.
What is this stuff? I'll tell you in a few minutes. Go get Christine. And don't fry that idiot girl with the infra-red! No, she's not in grave danger. But sure needs a damn good cleaning. And maybe some eyedrops later.
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Well, Ensign, now that you still have to lounge here for a couple of hours, why not tell us what it was all about? How in God's galaxy did you manage to get yourself covered in Andorian swamp-mold? Where did you even get it?
Alright, that's how you got the spores in the first place. But what for?
You got them to do what?! Nurses, you heard the same? What the…
Oh my God! Is there an end to idiocy? Why, girl, why?
"A woman's secret", really? I'm a doctor, no secrets from me! I want to know why you put the freaking swamp-mold on your head!
What, let y'all have a girl-to-girl talk? Is it a sickbay or a girl club?
All right, ladies, you talk to her… I am tired of craziness for today. Should have left after shift end… I'm off now, to finally have some peace and quiet. See your report tomorrow… meaning today.
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…And so it goes like this: she puts some plastic sack on her shoulders, brews that god-awful Andorian mold stuff in water, and then she smudges it all over her hair… And then the mold begins to grow like hell broke loose, crawls over her face and burns her skin… She freaks out and runs to sickbay. Missing it a couple of times on her way and scaring the hell out of Christine in the corridor. Well, even I believed in ghosts for a second when she finally did find the door to sickbay and showed up!
Why am I telling you all this? Because it's funny! And, Mr. Spock – because it's you who are responsible for all this!
Dammit, Spock, my brain temperature's fine! It's your room temperature that's way above normal!.. Like an oven!
Oh, it's in fact cool for you… You just don't do normal, eh, Spock?
Yeah, a cool drink would be nice. Especially if you want to know why it is you're responsible. It's really all because of you!
Ahhhh, good! Now I'll survive to tell the whole tale. Well, here's to you, Mr. Spock, cheers and my congratulations – this poor girl has a crush on you! I don't know what she found in you, but that's what she told Christine and Ally in secret.
It has everything to do with the incident! How? Use your damn deduction, Sherlock!
I know, I know – human women appear illogical even to human men… But from her point of view it was a totally logical scheme!
Aha, now let me introduce you to that oh-so-special brand of female logic. That's the kind of logic that knocks out everything on its way. I couldn't understand what she said at first, too. Christine and Ally were my interpreters, and I'll relay it now as best as I can. Ready?
Hmmm, guess you're right: whoever can be ready for whatever comes into a woman's head? Well, I'll say it again: she's got a big crush on you. Don't look so shocked! They fall for you right and left, all the time, and you don't even notice.
Oh, you're not "shocked"? Well, don't look whatever you're looking now. Though you probably should, because – the thing that silly girl did for you!
You see, that girl, she heard a rumor that you prefer blondes…
"A totally irrational assumption based on popular culture clichés instead of scientific observation and proven facts"? Now that's a way to characterize a woman's crush! You do have a way with words, Mr. Spock… Maybe I'll write it down and use it as a pick-up line someday… when I don't want female attention.
By the way, that rumor is not totally ungrounded… Wasn't that Leila girl blonde?*** And that fancy lady too, from the flying island, what's her name? **** The crew saw you with them, and what one woman knows – all women know!
What do you mean, "there were no female officers on the mission to the mining planet?" Oh, never mind… ***** She heard you liked blondes, and that's it.
But Spock, it simple! She herself is a brunette. So she decided to bleach her hair and go platinum blonde, to make you look at her.
Ha, do I see an eye roll? Yes, Spock, that's female logic for you! Nice, huh? But wait, I'm not done frying your logical Vulcan brain yet… You see, even the best hairdresser of them all just can't magically turn black hair into blonde in one go. It's a long process; it's like a… a transformational chemical experiment with several stages, takes weeks or even months. I have Christine's word on it. But of course Ms Mezzasalma couldn't wait that long, and so she tried an unconventional method…
Remember our last shore leave on a star base, the one you skipped as usual? Well, I passed too, it was a seedy place. But the junior officers bounced joyfully off the ship, and our girl went shopping. And there she meets this Andorian trader who sells those "beauty products"…
Now you see? Yes, and he pushes a pack of mold spores upon her, promising her miracles and an instant blonding effect, just add water. Telling her it's an ancient secret of Andorian beauties.
Sure enough, the poor naive girl was scammed. What a jerk, that trader! If we meet him again, we send him to jail, my word.
He didn't just sell her a potentially harmful substance, Spock. Yes, most humans are allergic to it and it grows like crazy when water's added… That girl looked like a damn cauliflower and had skin and eye irritation after we cleaned her…
But this is not the worst! He lied about its usage! It's really just a mold! Growing in swamps. Nothing useful about it. It's a pest. And absolutely not used for hair bleaching by any Andorians! Hell, Andorians don't even bleach their hair! They are simply born this way!
As far as I know, Ms Mezasalma's hair is still black. Well, what's still left of it. Hope she is okay with her new haircut. But I left it to Nurse Blackwood to save her burnt hair follicles. I was too tired for cosmetic procedures…
Talk to her? Yeah, I guess you should. Over a nice dinner, I suggest… And then a stroll in the arboretum and some flowers, and then…
Oh, you want me to talk to her? And why should I?
Counsel her on her erratic behavior and do therapy sessions? Really, Spock? No, no, I pass. She is your problem now.
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*For those who caught the hidden reference to the classic of mystery and ghost story genre Algernon Blackwood without reading the footnote – respect from the author.
**Mezzasalma – a somewhat weird Italian family name, literally meaning "half-cadaver".
***This is a reference to the TOS episode called "This Side of Paradise" and Leila Kalomi, Spock's old flame; his attraction to her renewed under the influence of mind-altering spores.
****This is a reference to the TOS episode called "Cloud Minders": the mining planet where the common population all worked underground in mines and the aristocracy lived on the islands in the sky, and so did the governor's daughter Droxine, in whom Spock took a definite interest.
*****Actually only Kirk and Spock beamed down onto the planet Stratos in the episode "Cloud Minders". So guess who gossiped later ;).