This story started, as many of our stories do, as an inside joke gone horribly right.
My co-author has had a long-standing project she calls "The Bad Crossover Continuum," where she takes her favorite characters in fandom X and places them in fandom Y, not in an X meets Y crossover, but retelling Y's story with the characters from X in the least like-them role, as a sort of character exercise. She turns to this whenever she has writer's block, and though she's come up with interesting combinations over the years, the one I was on board with from the beginning was Fire Emblem and Ace Attorney.
She started this one similarly, but decided that it needed both Corrins to tell this story. After that, we just turned it into a massive modern AU that is simply very heavily inspired by Ace Attorney. Any lawyers or judges too young for the position? That's the Ace Attorney influence. Any changes to a map you know? This isn't Ylisse, Fodlan, or whatever continent Fates is on, nor is it Japan or LA. Instead, it is the city of Emblemme, a made-up city near the California-Arizona border, and no we have not picked the exact state. Who is the judge? An OC, we love her and never bothered to give her a name. Any other questions? They'll be answered in time, unless we think it's funnier if we don't.
With the backstory out of the way, let's get to the real thing.
PS: The Corrins have black hair because we wanted them to actually look like Mikoto. No personal reason, though their new names (Revan for the male, Rowena for the female) have meaning to us, as far as "named after characters from other fandoms" go.
The murder was timed to the very last second. Mikoto was buried under a mountain of paperwork in her home office and planned to work through dinner in order to get it all done. She was just glad she was able to replace the kitchen chef upon his recent resignation. The meal was the very simple request of a turkey sandwich, and a little ingredient the cook added personally: poison. Aside from the maid, the bearded chef was the only one around, just as his client ordered. There and gone before anyone knew it.
A young man with pointed black hair walked into the house with a small smile on his face. He was lost in thoughts that he needed to push back for the time being. The man walked through the hallway, and nearly tripped on the maid who had crashed on the floor in two different ways. Felicia was the only woman he knew who could be so used to tripping over that she could be comfortable falling asleep surrounded by broken glass. The man, who was used to this crap by now, just lifted her up, and placed her on the living room couch.
"You're still up, Revan? It's like 11:00 PM," a slightly younger man with a long white ponytail asked just to his side.
"I had to do something, Takumi," Revan replied. "What are you doing up?"
Takumi shrugged. "I couldn't sleep. I had that weird dream with the paperclip monkey and the inflatable underwear," he said. "What's weirder is that I found this card on the floor. There's this strange face with cracks on it, but I don't know what to make of it."
Revan snorted. "That is nowhere near the weirdness of that monkey."
"Yeah, you're right. And this time he spoke Spanish...wait, Mom said she'd know what to do about the dream if that happened."
"Well, you can't talk to her now. It's almost midnight."
"You know her usual bedtime is 2:30," Takumi scoffed. Knowing his brother held no objections, he marched right up to his mother's office, and nearly into his older sister on the steps as she was going down. Hinoka, not paying either of them any mind, went out the back door without explanation.
Seconds later, Takumi ran to the other side of the hall and banged several times on his eldest brother's door until Ryoma answered. This action was rewarded by Takumi speaking in utter gibberish, pointing in the direction he just came from with a horrified look on his face. His much larger brother cocked an eyebrow and got ready to scold. "Takumi, I told you that when you speak that way, human beings won't understand you." Takumi then dragged Ryoma to the other end of the hall, and even though Revan couldn't see them, he could hear the same gibberish that Takumi spoke.
"What's going on?"
His brothers silenced their babbling together and refused to open their mouths. Revan knew them well enough to know that it was never a good sign.
"Guys," he said, slowly, through his teeth, "what's going on?"
Ryoma forced his emotions down to speak to Takumi. "This is a delicate situation," he warned. "Even though it hasn't sunk in yet, once it does, it would be best to deal with it together. We need to tell our siblings delicately and rationally, and -"
"Mom's dead!" Takumi blurted.
Ryoma's left eye twitched. "Not do that."
Revan didn't notice. He'd spoken to his mother just five hours earlier. "How?!"
"We don't know." Ryoma led his younger brothers away from the room, careful not to think about it. It was starting to sink in, and he didn't want them to witness the result. "We should call the police and have them investigate. Wake Sakura, track down Hinoka…"
"Hinoka's face-down in the garbage," Revan said quietly.
That distracted the others from the current situation. "Why?" said Takumi.
"Raccoon traps."
His brothers immediately understood. Some raccoons had a habit of climbing the tree next to Hinoka's bedroom and launching themselves at the window, waking her up at least once a night. Since Hinoka was too stubborn to change bedrooms or cut down the tree, she had decided to declare war instead.
So imagine the trio's surprise when they found their sister on the phone with the police instead of animal control.
"I'm telling you, there's a man in my raccoon trap!" She paused to let the cop speak. "Yes, I have raccoon traps! Look, this guy is CREEPY, ok? And he's trespassing in the yard of one of the richest families in town. Get over here and arrest him before his big dumb face figures out a way to escape!" She looked up to see her brothers. "What are all of you doing here?"
That was when it sank in. Revan turned and ran to his bedroom, and he could hear Takumi punch a wall and Ryoma break the news to Hinoka. Still, he didn't turn back. He headed right to his room and flopped down on his bed to deal with his thoughts.
He pulled the card from his pocket, searching it for answers. He'd learned when he was six years old that if someone was gone, crying about it just wasted time. It hadn't fixed anything about that accident then, and it wouldn't bring his mom back now.
But Mikoto was so young! She barely looked old enough to be the mother of one child, much less five. She had Yukimura to help look after her kids, and Reina to help her with the family business she'd inherited from her late husband. Old age and stress hadn't ended her. But everyone loved Mikoto, so murder was out of the question.
But there was a man in Hinoka's raccoon trap...
But everyone loved Mikoto...
But the man in the raccoon trap...
This mental argument went on for a while. He dimly heard the police arrive, and the shouts of the trapped man as they cuffed him, and Sakura's scream as she was told why they were there. He heard it, but he didn't process it.
Not until the cops walked into his room, saw the card, and arrested him before he could say "Do you have a warrant?"
Fortunately, he didn't have to share the back of the car with the raccoon man.
Even more, fortunately, he had a friend he knew he could count on. A friend that would be there for him no matter what. A friend...with a briefcase.
He hoped he was awake at this hour.
Law school was the opposite of a good time. Between classes, homework, mock trials, studying real trials, and playing Ace Attorney, Silas barely had any time for his friends. Revan and Kaze understood this, so they had started making plans for two and inviting him as an afterthought. And as for his girlfriend...well, at least she understood.
So it didn't surprise him when he woke up to find himself on the couch in his apartment, a law book open on the floor. It did surprise him that his phone was the sound that woke him. Normally Revan and Kaze would use Hinoka as a designated driver.
"Hey, buddy!" Revan greeted as soon as Silas picked up the phone.
"Someone better be dead, Revan."
There was dead silence on the other end. "Uh, funny story about that." His friend sounded like he was barely holding himself together. "It's my mom, and I'm headed to jail. It's..." he laughed weakly. "It's been a rough night, man."
Silas took a moment to sort through the words. "I am so sorry I said...wait. Jail?"
"I told you it was a rough night." His voice broke, and he cleared his throat to fix it. "Can you believe it? These people think I killed my own mom! This is the same police force that...don't they know I've lost enough family already?"
"You would think." Wow. Mikoto was dead, and Revan was in jail. "Don't your siblings have a bail jar for you?"
"They're not going to let a suspected murderer loose, Silas. Even if they trust I won't flee the country."
"Why did they suspect you?"
"She was really killed by a hitman, and I had his card on me at the time. He was also arrested and said I was his hire," Revan explained. "I was also out of the house at the time, so it looked like I was anticipating it."
"Did you say anything to incriminate yourself?" Revan's silence on the other end was far from reassuring. "What did you say?"
"I...might have told the cops that she canceled my credit cards when a cop called me a 'selfish rich brat who wanted that inheritance.' But that was eight months ago! She's still been paying for my food and everything, I just couldn't do anything fun!"
"I hate to admit it, Revan, but money is a pretty believable motive."
"Which is why I need you! You're the only lawyer in the world that plays as much Ace Attorney as I do! I need you to defend me in court!"
Silas's eyes widened when the reality of this conversation dawned on him. "Revan, I'm not a real lawyer. I'm barely better than a pineapple at this point."
"It's really more of a hearing right now," Revan said as he tried to coax his friend. "I'm trying to convince them to let you handle that trial if they get someone with your skill level on the prosecution's side, too. Come on, the first thing that I thought to do was call my best friend for help."
"Really?" Silas grinned. How could he possibly refuse after that?
"Then before I called Kaze, I remembered that you were a law student, so I used my phone call to talk to you." That's how.
"As much as I'd like to help you, which I certainly don't, I don't have any power in this."
"Can't your teacher let you have it as extra credit or something? Please, as my friend you need to help me. It's life or death."
Although the silence only lasted for a second, it felt as if it lasted for an eternity. His family spent generations aiding law and order in some shape or form, and even if that wasn't true, he felt he wanted to defend those who couldn't defend themselves. If he helped out here, he could become a well-known lawyer before he even graduated law school, but if he failed, his career would be shot faster than he can say "objection."
In the end, if he refused to help his friend, his current plot would fall even faster than his career. "I'll do it."
He just hoped he could arrange things to get her involved, too.
Only a few miles from Silas, the other richest 5-kid family in town was still awake. The middle daughter and younger son had just finished a spice-eating contest, their other siblings watching for entertainment, which led to a young woman chugging down half a carton of milk, declaring her brother the winner with a wave of her hand.
"You're such a baby, Rowena," Leo said as if it were a fact. She was too preoccupied to notice he took a swallow of his own 'surrender drink.'
Rowena swallowed her mouthful of milk, choked on it a bit, and then said, "I'm older than you."
"That wasn't what I was implying, you absolute dunce."
She knew Leo well enough to know that this was said as affectionate teasing. Still, it kind of hurt. "At least I didn't put my shirt on inside out this morning."
"At least I'm not dating a butler."
Rowena copied his smug smirk exactly. "Do you want to date the butler, Leo?"
"Please. Jakob is nowhere near my type."
"Don't worry, you're not his, either." Rowena was immediately distracted by the sound of her phone ringing. Briefly wondering who would be calling her this late, she picked it up but didn't answer. Instead she stared at the caller ID in confusion. "Iago."
"Ignore it," Xander suggested, the serious tone making all three of his sisters smile.
"I want to," Rowena said with a dramatic sigh, "but I can't." So she answered the call and left her siblings so she could see what it was that Iago wanted. She returned seconds later, confused and slightly upset. "Mikoto Hoshido is dead. Her own son was arrested for the murder. They want to do a hearing as soon as possible, and he named Silas Shields as his lawyer."
"Silas isn't a lawyer," Elise protested. "Didn't you say he was in your class?"
"It's a hearing, not an official trial. They think they have enough evidence to convict him, so they decided that Silas and I can use this case for practice. Apparently, Iago pulled some strings for me."
Leo frowned. "Iago doesn't even like you."
"And this entire thing is just ruining her other children's time for mourning," Camilla added.
"Probably. But Silas gets to be Perry Mason for the day. Let's hope I have more luck than the guy he's always in court with."
As tragic as Mikoto's death was, at least it acted as the trigger for a series of very fortunate events.
Revan was led into court by Silas, a man who had to be Silas' teacher, and a man who looked like the most attractive impression of Quasimodo to ever exist. He'd been expecting that much.
But when he heard the woman on the prosecutor's side say her name...
He tried to tell himself it was a coincidence. "Rowena" wasn't unheard of. It could have been anyone. But when he saw her, he knew that there wasn't any coincidence here.
The name Rowena was uncommon, but not exceedingly rare. A woman named Rowena his age wasn't such a shock. But a woman his age, with the same hair, eyes, and ears that he had, and he knew that he'd been right all those years ago when he'd insisted that his twin sister was still alive.
They'd told him she'd died with their father in that car wreck. They hadn't changed their minds when he told them that they didn't have her body so they needed a lot more proof, instead trying to tell him that the theory was that her corpse had been dragged away by wolves - which, in a city on the California-Arizona border, had sounded ridiculous even to a six-year-old. He almost laughed out loud right now, right in that courtroom.
But the situation didn't call for laughter. His mom was dead, and now his sister was trying to put him in jail for it. What are the odds?
He barely noticed the judge enter, but he sure noticed when she spoke. A small woman about Yukimura's age, with dark skin, short black hair, and a voice a bit too high to match her appearance or her career. She sounded almost like Princess Bubblegum from the Adventure Time cartoon, just a bit deeper.
So two not-lawyers, a real lawyer, a long-lost twin, and a judge that sounded like a cartoon. This was going to go just like an Ace Attorney trial. Which meant, since he was innocent and Silas believed it, things were going to be...well, not ok, but as close as it could be given the situation.
"Mr. Shields," the judge started. "I understand that you are accompanied by a licensed lawyer. Could you please give your name to the court?"
"No need for formalities today, Your Honor," the man said. "I'm here as a teacher. You can just call me Stahl."
"And Ms. Nohr, where is your advisor?"
Rowena tugged on her tie in her nervousness. "I don't know, Your Honor. He got me into this thing. the least he could do was show up."
The judge sighed in annoyance. "Well, I guess we will have to reschedule a trial he can actually arrive for," she declared. "We shall reconvene at-"
"I'm here!" shouted a feminine voice from the entrance. A young woman with long blue hair rushed over to the prosecution's bench. "Don't start without me!"
The judge couldn't believe this, and frankly neither did any of the lawyers, but a familiar face had joined the scene. Well, familiar to the students, and, apparently, Stahl. "Lucina?" Rowena asked in surprise.
"You know her?" The judge asked.
"She was in law school with me until she got to be a real lawyer," Rowena explained, and Lucina nodded along.
"So is she supervising your case?" asked the judge.
"No. Iago will."
"No, he won't," Lucina chimed in. "Your brother called me saying that Iago was too busy at the moment, so I should fill in for him. It was rather last minute so that's why I'm late."
Rowena thought for a moment, then realized something. "How old are you?"
"I'm twenty-seven," she answered.
"That's my brother's age. It's like asking a horse to watch a dog."
Lucina huffed. "I'll have you know that I am undefeated in my field."
"Undefeated?" Silas gulped.
Rowena took notice of this and plastered a small smirk on her lips. "Your Honor, I accept Lucina as my new guide on the grounds that she is less irritating than Iago."
"I'll allow it," the judge said in annoyance. "Court is now in session. Try not to make a mockery out of the legal system."
"We'll try," said Stahl, and the trial began.
Rowena was almost as nervous as Revan was, and Lucina barely helped. That was good for Silas, but it wasn't so good when she called the first witness.
"State your name and occupation to the court," she instructed, and the witness stared at her defiantly before, reluctantly, complying.
"Takumi Hoshido," he said, and stopped to consider. "Guy." That was as good as anything.
"Mr. Hoshido," Rowena said, and Revan felt his teeth clench together over hearing her use her own last name in such a detached, professional way, "can you tell us, in your honest opinion, what you think of this trial here today?"
"Of course," Takumi agreed. "I think the prosecution is full of garbage."
"What?" both Lucina and Rowena squeaked, and the judge facepalmed.
Rowena recovered, however. "Could you...please...elaborate on that statement?"
"Certainly." Takumi nodded. "My brother is incapable of committing such a heinous deed, therefore, the prosecution is full of garbage."
"Thank you," Revan said quietly, and he was about to give Takumi a thumbs-up when the younger brother continued.
"I mean, look at him!" He gestured to Revan to emphasize his point. "He is such a pathetic creature!"
"Objection!" Revan complained, and Silas clamped a hand over his mouth.
"You're not a lawyer," Silas warned. "You can't object!"
"Then object for me!"
Stahl shook his head. "Mr. Hoshido, you're distracting your lawyer and most likely going to get all three of us in trouble. Sit down."
Revan sat. Takumi pointed to the scene and said, "See, Your Honor? No backbone whatsoever."
"I will kill you," Revan hissed, and then processed where he was and why he was here. "Uh...sorry. That backfired."
Silas faceplanted onto his stand.
"And that," Lucina said calmly, focusing more on Stahl than on Revan or even Silas, "is what we call a 'slip.' Don't let it go to waste."
"Right," said Rowena, and then she pointed at the defendant, keeping her eyes on the judge. "He just threatened the witness. Does that prove anything?"
Lucina quickly pulled her back. "Not like that, but good start. Save acting like a child for when the other side starts acting like...uh, butts."
"I would prefer to avoid all childish antics altogether," said the judge. "I suggest questioning the witness, Ms. Nohr."
Rowena nodded. "Questioning. Got it."
She didn't 'get it' as much as she said she did, as it took her a few seconds to locate the papers with the questions she wanted to ask. Finally, she began the actual questioning. "You are the defendant's brother, as you've stated to the court. Do you still live with him?"
"Yes," Takumi answered, not bothering to attempt to annoy her here.
"So where was he on the night of the crime?"
Takumi shrugged. "I don't know. Gone?"
"So he was away from the scene when the killer struck. Setting up an alibi, perhaps?"
"I wouldn't say that, exactly," Takumi tried to say, but Rowena held up a card.
"This was confiscated from the defendant when they took him. The assassin himself has said it was his calling card. So, if we take both facts into consideration..."
Takumi looked over at Revan, half-apologetic. "Sorry, bro. It looks like you did it."
"I know what it looks like, thanks."
Rowena smiled, pleased she got something right. She didn't even seem to mind when she handed the witness off to Silas.
"I have no idea where to start," Silas said to himself, and Stahl pushed him forward.
"You'll be fine," he promised. "Just think about everything you've learned so far. Channel your inner Matlock if you have to."
"Right," Silas said, and took a moment to gather his thoughts. Matlock, Perry Mason, every Ace Attorney protagonist...if he hadn't learned anything from school yet, then he'd have to make do with what he learned from them.
"Witness," he said, and Takumi snapped to attention. "Your mother was in charge of a gaming company, wasn't she?"
"Sure," Takumi agreed. "Dad put her in charge when he died."
"And wasn't said company preparing to have the oldest child - Ryoma Hoshido - take over once she retired or died?"
"They were," Takumi confirmed, "but the estate in her will is a couple mil, so we all had a nice inheritance."
There was a beat of dead silence, and then -
"Don't TELL THEM that!" a deep voice shouted from the crowd, and Revan felt a spark of hope that his big brother would come to save the day.
"You told me not to lie on the stand!" Takumi protested.
"But no one asked you about it! What is wrong with you?"
"Jury's still out," Hinoka muttered.
"Mr. Hoshido?" said the judge, getting three different replies of "Yes?" as one chorus. Her eye twitched, but she did not clarify who she was speaking to as she continued, "did you bring your entire family to court?"
"No," Ryoma answered for all of them. "Our younger sister was...incapable of suppressing her grief long enough to be here, and our cousin is staying with her. Other than that, yes, we did."
"Then please keep your outbursts to yourself. This is a courtroom, not a television show." She turned to Silas. "Are you through, Mr. Shields?"
"Not quite." Silas approached the witness stand. "Do you have anything actually helpful to say?"
"Helpful? I don't know. But I do have one final statement." Takumi stood up to emphasize the point. "I don't think it's him. He's pretty lazy."
"Thank you," said Silas, and Takumi left to join his siblings.
Lucina turned to her student. "Any objections to this?"
Rowena huffed and crossed her arms over her chest like a child. "Sadly, no."
"With that out of the way," Silas continued, "I'd like to draw your attention to..." he paused to think, then looked over at Stahl. "I want to say 'plot hole' but I know it's wrong."
"It's just a hole," Stahl answered helpfully.
Silas rocked slightly in embarrassment. "Of course it is," he muttered. "Well, I'd like to direct your attention to the gaping hole in this theory. If the motive for murder was greed, why would he bother sharing with his siblings? Why not take them out at the same time?"
Rowena snapped to attention, smiling at the opening. "Thank you, Mr. Shields."
Silas felt his confidence die. "What are you doing?"
"I'm smiling."
"Stop that."
"Why would I stop when you've given me the perfect opening for the next bit of evidence?" She waved her arm dramatically, and Lucina grinned, catching her meaning instantly. "I present, the donuts...of DOOM!"
Lucina barely suppressed her laughter. "Um, this is a courtroom. I suggest holding back on the dramatics."
Rowena slumped slightly, an embarrassed expression on her face. "I mean...I'd like to present these donuts as evidence," she said simply.
Lucina pulled out a box of donuts from the evidence pile. Silas looked at the box, then at Rowena, the judge, and then Rowena again.
And then he laughed.
"Stop laughing!" Rowena complained. "This is real evidence!"
"What, are we going to have to eat them?"
"I wouldn't," Rowena said bluntly.
"Why?" asked Revan, who was already halfway done with a powdered donut at this point. Silas turned, and the laughter was wiped off his face as he noticed.
"Where...how did you get that?" he asked, pointing at the donut in his friend's hand.
Revan looked at the donut, then at his lawyer. "Have you ever seen the Scott Pilgrim movie?"
"Yes?" Silas wasn't sure how the movie related to the situation, but...
"That's how," said Revan, and almost took another bite of the donut before he remembered that Rowena said he shouldn't. "So, about the donut..."
"Those donuts," Rowena said through her teeth, eyes squeezed shut and fingers pressed against her forehead in exasperation, "were poisoned, with the same type of poison used to kill the victim. Well, about four in the dozen, in the hope of it being written off as a hit on the whole family. And now your client is eating one."
Revan quickly spat donut onto the floor, a mess of wet mush in piles on the courtroom floor. Then he curled up on the floor and cried for his mommy, asking her to take him to heaven with her. Silas quickly told Stahl to take Revan to the hospital, and continued to argue his defense.
"So doesn't the fact that he's eating a poisoned donut mean that he wasn't aware they were poisoned, making him innocent of this crime?"
"Or, maybe he was aware of the poison, and chose a donut that was not poisoned because he knew which ones were safe!"
"Can you prove which ones were poisoned?"
"Yes, I can! The donuts in question were from a mixed box, and the four in question were all jelly-filled. The poison was in the jelly, and no one can resist jelly-filled!" She smiled again. "Unless, of course, they know the jelly was poisoned, and took a powdered donut instead. Your client will live, Mr. Shields. I can't say the same about your case."
Stahl, who had been attempting to lift the dead weight known as Revan, dropped him as the younger man continued to whine about death.
"You're not dying," Stahl told him at once. "You didn't take a jelly-filled donut, did you?"
Revan stopped his whining instantly. "There were jelly-filled ones?"
"There were," Stahl confirmed. "Did you not know that?"
"Of course not. No one can resist jelly-filled."
Stahl stopped speaking, looking up at Rowena as his mind finally made the connection that Silas had made when he'd first seen the woman.
Silas and Revan had been friends since preschool. Silas and Rowena had been friends, once, too. For a few years, they'd played together, catching bugs and building Lego towers as tall as they were. Then the twins had been in a car crash that had killed their father, and Rowena had vanished without a trace. Until college, that is, when Silas had seen her again as they both ended up chasing law degrees, his path chosen by following his father's footsteps and hers being sold to her at a young age. He'd dedicated himself right there to reuniting her with her family.
Honestly, the two looked so much alike that he was surprised Stahl hadn't put it together sooner.
Instead of going into said speech, Silas turned to the judge. "Lock up the jelly-filled donuts, Your Honor. I have a character witness that can give testimony as to why my idiot client couldn't possibly have planned his mother's murder. I just request a short break so he can get here - he's a college student, he has homework."
The judge, wanting a break from this madness herself, granted that request.
Kaze, as a film student, had taken the chance to escape his stop-motion project (which would likely take fifteen hours) and get his friend out of jail. Once he got to the courthouse, however, he realized he had come completely unprepared for it.
"Don't worry," Silas reassured him. "You can just say what you want to say. You know he didn't do it, right?"
"Of course I know that. But what do you want me to say? 'He isn't the killer because hiring an assassin takes planning, and Revan never plans more than three days ahead?'"
That was the exact thing he said on the stand, and the exact thing Rowena had the court reporter read back to them.
"Never plans more than three days ahead," she repeated as if they hadn't just heard it twice. "Are you sure about that?"
"I've known the man for years," Kaze confirmed. "I've rarely seen him remember an upcoming video game release for longer than that."
"I have evidence that says otherwise."
She was putting on a thick winter glove as she said it - a surprising sight in this area, and one she reassured everybody was necessary because the evidence she was about to present "felt super gross."
She pulled out a water balloon, and held it up so Kaze could see. "Do you know what this is, witness?"
Revan went pale at the sight. Kaze didn't seem to notice. "It looks like a water balloon," Kaze answered honestly.
"It looks like one, yes." Rowena handed the balloon to Kaze. "But does that feel like water?"
Kaze gave it the lightest squeeze. "No," he answered honestly, before squishing it again. "What is it? It's...oddly satisfying to squish."
"That balloon is the only survivor of the small army that officer Arthur Murphy removed from the defendant's bedroom."
Revan groaned and covered his face with his hands. "I'm doomed. I'm so doomed. I survived the donut but the balloon's gonna kill me."
Rowena heard. "I'd like to question the defendant himself, if that's allowed."
The judge, despite her better judgement, was kind of interested in learning more about the balloons, so she allowed it. Revan took the stand, more scared than he'd ever been before.
"Is it too late for the donut to take me?" he asked no one.
"Considering that the one you ate was not poisoned, had no poison jelly smeared on it, and has been thrown away, yes." Rowena held out the balloon again. "Mr. Hoshido, what is in this balloon?"
"Um...it looks like a water balloon, and you put water in water balloons."
"You know very well that it isn't water. In fact, you know what IS in this balloon, don't you?"
Revan gulped. "I want to talk to a lawyer."
"You are."
"A licensed lawyer."
Rowena looked to the other woman at the prosecution's stand. Revan facepalmed.
"Fine," he decided. "It's...not water. It's...yogurt."
Silas, Stahl, and Kaze all stopped to stare. From the audience, Revan's siblings all groaned.
Rowena, having heard Officer Murphy's report, was not surprised. "What kind of yogurt?"
"I think it was strawberry."
A slight twitch of her eye was all the hint he got at how close she was to a breakdown. "Do you really think that this is worth arguing anymore?"
He sighed. "No. It's filled with...expired yogurt."
"How expired?"
"It should be pretty rank by now."
"Objection! Relevance!" Silas couldn't keep the hope out of his voice, so naturally, Rowena shut it down instantly.
"I plan to use this yogurt balloon to discredit the previous witness's entire testimony," Rowena defended.
"A rare sentence," said the judge, "but one that does call for the overruling of the defense's objection."
Silas grumbled to himself like a child, but allowed Rowena to continue questioning.
"Can you explain why you had a dozen water balloons full of moldy yogurt under your bed?"
"Because I put yogurt in water balloons and put the balloons under my bed." Revan was no longer whining, but instead offended. "I understand you're trying to pretend I'm a murderer, but please don't insult my intelligence."
You did that yourself, donut lord. "So can you tell me why you filled water balloons with yogurt?"
Revan shook his head. "That question is not relevant to my mother's death."
"Is it? How will we know if you don't answer?"
"Those balloons were not meant for assaulting my mother."
"Then why would you do such a thing? You already told me not to insult your intelligence, so if you're as intelligent as you seem to think you are, you should have no problem remembering why you did this."
She was baiting him. He knew this, but he took the bait anyway. "I did it for revenge - just not on my mother." "Then who was the target of this ridiculous revenge plot?"
"Not my mother," Revan repeated. "I'm under oath, so take your answer and stop pressing for irrelevant information."
Rowena didn't follow his advice. "Was it the previous witness?"
Kaze snapped back to attention. Revan cleared his throat. "Isn't that a leading question?"
"Is it?" Silas asked Stahl, hopeful again.
Stahl considered, then made a so-so gesture. "It can be," he agreed, "but more than that, it's running on assumptions."
Before Silas could call this out, Rowena held out a hand to silence him. "We found related evidence. A journal, kept under the defendant's mattress, telling the story of how the witness once bounced a muffin into the defendant's shoulder, leaving a bruise, followed by calculations for the perfect angle. This was finished with a doodle of the witness covered in yogurt."
"Those were private!" Revan protested.
"Tough boogers," said Rowena, and then she stopped. She hadn't said 'tough boogers' since grade school. Why did it slip out in court, of all places? Sure, this guy looked like her, but...well, they were hardly the only Asian-Americans in Emblemme, and the hair and eye colors weren't unique. Was she subconsciously projecting? Her twin was dead. She'd learned to accept that.
But her denial was shattered when he spoke again. "This evidence is circumstantial. You destroyed Kaze's testimony, but I forgot about the balloons until they started to smell. I did not kill our mother."
He meant to say 'my mother,' but the other word slipped out. He watched her as the word sank in, and was not prepared for the aftermath. The woman who had refused to listen to him in the courtroom and had beaten back everything Silas threw at her was now shaking, and the judge was granting Lucina's request to postpone the verdict because the prosecution was having a breakdown.
Rowena couldn't remember much of her life before she'd found her way to her new father and siblings. She knew she was adopted only because Garon had told the story of how he'd picked her from a car crash that had killed her parents and brother. She hadn't even remembered her original last name.
She had to remind herself that she couldn't trust a murderer. "Do you really think you can pull some Star Wars bs on me? 'Search your feelings, Rowena' and all that?" She laughed, slightly crazed. "No. I'm not buying it."
Revan smirked. "You'll search your feelings before you go to bed tonight, won't you?"
"Shut up."
"Not until I tell you this." He returned to seriousness, an unsettling shift. "Your birthday is April 3rd. Your first sentence was 'Ryoma did it.' And you were playing truth or dare the last time you saw your twin brother - which, by the way, was when you guys were six." He shrugged. "Though it could be a guess. What do I know?"
She didn't remember her first sentence, or her birth parents talking about her first sentence, but the other two were childhood memories she hadn't lost. She watched the defendant be led away by his lawyer, who was scolding him about breaking the prosecution. She heard the bailiff put his phone away, so casually he had to have heard the whole thing. "He's a stalker, isn't he? He's a stalker who found my records, and that's how he knows my birthday and that I had a twin."
"I don't know," the bailiff said. "I've seen the hair, the eyes, the ears...how both of you clearly have at least some Japanese ancestry..."
Rowena gave him a hard stare. "Are you saying all Asians look the same, Benny?"
He shook his head, not surprised at the assumption. "No, I'm saying that you two look the same. And another point - how would a stalker your age know what game you were playing when you lost your brother?"
Or when my brother lost me...
Rowena forced the thought aside. Xander had told her along time ago that she was too trusting. She could believe in innocent until proven guilty, but all she could do about the rest was follow her big brother's example.
She hadn't seen her birth certificate in a long time. It had to be somewhere, right? All she had to do was ask her father.
"Your birth certificate?" Garon was paler than before she'd asked, but she wasn't in the right mind to notice. All she knew was that he'd been drinking again, and she felt like joining him.
"Yes, my birth certificate." She reached into the refrigerator and removed a bottle of water. "You know, the thing that has my biological parents' names on it? Didn't they hand it over when you got me?"
Garon cleared his throat nervously. "They might have," he said, before taking another drink. "But I can't really name where I put Elise's birth certificate off the top of my head, so you might not get it before your trial finishes."
"Just tell her the truth," said Leo. "We can't hide it from her forever."
Garon gave up immediately. "Your adoption wasn't quite as...official, as you think."
"It was illegal," Leo corrected. "Just say it was illegal."
Rowena stared at her father, trying to process this new bombshell. "I was kidnapped?" Of course, a very recent orphan wouldn't get any missing person reports, but if her mother had still been alive at the time, why hadn't she found any for her? Or Xander, at least - he'd been old enough to notice those things.
"Illegally adopted," Garon corrected.
"Which is kidnapping out of love," said Xander.
"And you all knew?"
"You didn't know?" Elise asked.
"We didn't know for long," Camilla promised. "We just didn't know how to tell you."
Rowena could forgive her siblings, for now. She focused on Garon, shaking in rage. "Tell me the story of my 'adoption' again."
Garon shrugged. "I've told you before. There was a car wreck, you were the only survivor, and before you know it, you were my daughter."
"Then start with the car wreck."
Garon cleared his throat, looking away. He owed her this. "Fine. Take a seat."
(Years earlier)
The damage was too much to repair. To the car, yes, but mostly to the family.
The man was, to put it bluntly, mangled. If he hadn't died on impact, he'd be gone by the time people arrived. The woman was in one piece, but shaking her did no good, and the boy in the back was in the same condition.
The girl was bleeding and bruised, but she was alive. Tears were running down her face, snot bubbles dripping into her mouth, and all over a disgusting creature. ("She was a child," present-day Garon narrated, "and she looked like it.") Garon reached for his cell phone and called for help immediately.
"Iago? Is taking a small survivor of a car crash kidnapping, rescue, adoption, or tampering with a crime scene?"
"Don't touch anything," Iago said at once.
"But she needs a bath."
"So why do you want to touch it?"
"I don't have a hose, I can't rinse her off out here."
"I yell at kids to get off my lawn, and you have four children. How do I know more about parenting than you?"
"You live up to the stereotype?"
"Not the takeaway, Garon," Iago snapped. "People will be on their way to the scene soon enough. They will get the...miniature humanoid thing..."
"It's called a child," Garon interrupted.
"I don't care what it's called! Don't touch it, don't get near it, don't even look at it. As your legal advisor, I advise you to walk away."
"I understand." He put the phone back in his pocket and turned away from the girl. "Later, kid."
There was a loud sniffle, and a quiet "I'm scared."
Garon groaned to himself. He was going to have to do the right thing here, wasn't he? Without a word, he reached for the girl. She flinched away at his touch and scooched closer to her brother's body. "You poor thing. Orphaned at such a tender young age." He held out his hand, an offer instead of a true abduction. "You can come with me and have new siblings."
Rowena didn't know what was going on, but she was a smart girl and knew the words 'orphaned' and 'siblings.' She just cried harder, but didn't object to it when Garon picked her up.
"You're my child now," he told her, and she sniffled.
"I guess so."
"You'll like it. You'll stay out of the orphanage, and get two new brothers! Xander's twelve and Leo is five."
"New sisters?"
"Camilla - she's eight - and Elise just turned two."
"New mom?"
Garon bit his tongue, knowing that this child wouldn't know his romantic history. "I'm working on it. But that's enough about my family for now. What's your name?"
"Ro...Rowena." She hiccupped. "Takumi calls me Weenie. I don't like it."
"Well, I'll tell your new siblings not to call you a weenie. How old are you?"
"Six."
And he continued to ask questions about her, carefully avoiding anything that would make her think of her previous family. The dead were better off buried, in his opinion.
She started using his last name easily enough, but asked questions about her other siblings for the first few months, brothers and sisters that Garon hadn't found even in the foster system. He assumed that their names had been changed thanks to racism or something stupid like that - though Rowena was not a foreign-sounding name, so he wondered why she was the odd one out. After the first year, she seemed to have forgotten everything before she was 'adopted' and fully embraced the others as her siblings.
Then his romantic life got even weirder, and Camilla needed to learn about "female things" Garon didn't like to think about, and Xander decided he wanted a mullet, and Garon's energy was directed mostly toward those problems instead of helping his latest child adjust.
(Present)
Rowena listened to the story, finding only one thing she hadn't heard before. Still, she'd never been told that she had asked about other siblings, so she asked through her teeth, "Is that all?"
"Why is this important?" Garon demanded. "You've known for years that your parents were dead. That I found you in a wrecked car and took you in. I thought you'd forgotten your parents and brother, or at least accepted that they were gone."
"I did. Until I learned that my mom and brother survived."
"They did?" If Rowena had been in a better state of mind, she would have noticed Garon was uncomfortable. "How do you know?"
"The defendant in this case looks like me. Same eyes, same hair, same ears." She picked up her water bottle and took a long drink, wishing she hadn't decided that a hangover was terrible for the courtroom. "He knew my birthday. He knew I had a twin, he knew how old I was when I lost said twin, and he knew what game we were playing when the accident happened. It all adds up to one thing. I'm prosecuting my brother for the death of my mother! You told me they died with my first father!"
"I thought they did! You don't remember what happened!"
"It doesn't matter! You shouldn't have tampered with the crime scene and kidnapped me! Thanks to you, I never got to see my mom again!"
She stormed out of the room. Garon's children all glared at him, then followed her out.
Camilla, naturally, was the first one to speak. "Rowena, sweetie, listen. So what if your mom and brother survived? You've loved us for fifteen years!"
"You don't get it. Your mom was a piece of garbage."
"True," Camilla agreed without hesitating.
"Well, my mom loved us. She lost her daughter and her husband in the same day, and she didn't even get a headstone for me!"
"But isn't it better that you never saw your brother again? He killed her, didn't he?"
"So they say." She tightened her grip on her bottle, the plastic denting with a crack.
"Aren't you trying to prove he did it?"
"The evidence adds up. The card, the poison, the yogurt balloon..."
"Hold on." Xander knew this smelled fishy, and clearly had the stink of Ace Attorney. "A what balloon?"
"And he yelled at his attorneys, cried for his mommy in court, admitted to the jury that he planned on assaulting somebody with water balloons full of moldy yogurt, and ate evidence."
There was silence. "What kind of moron eats evidence?" said Elise.
"Not the takeaway, Elise," Leo said instantly.
"The evidence was a donut, but that is not important," Rowena interrupted. She shook her head. "I don't think that man is capable of murder." "But the evidence says he is," Leo reminded her.
"That's what the rest of the trial is for. But how can I stand in court when I don't even know who I am anymore?"
"I know who you are. You're my precious little sister, no matter what the law says." Camilla tilted Rowena's face up to get a better look. "And you're going to put that culprit in jail. If your brother's guilty, it's better that you never saw him after you lost your dad."
"But what if he's not?"
"Arthur's on the case," Elise promised, for once in her life sounding more mature than seventeen. "He's got a sixth sense for justice - real justice, not revenge wearing a justice mask. If all that evidence was circumstantial, he'll find something."
Camilla nodded. "And you can tell your brother that if he needs a mother's love, I'll gladly substitute."
Rowena considered pointing out how creepy that sounded, but thought better of it. She should be getting some sleep. No matter how this ended, she was going to regret it.
Iago hadn't picked up his phone all day. As head of a gaming company, father of five, and alcoholic who made bad decisions even while sober, Garon needed a lot of legal advice.
He hadn't even gotten to thank him for getting Rowena into the courtroom before her official time. Though, since that had brought certain events to light, perhaps he should tell him he was fired. Which he couldn't do if Iago didn't answer his phone.
Once more, Garon dialed. This time, he heard the noise, coming from...a closet.
"Which of my children stole Iago's phone?" Garon asked himself as he stood up to follow the sound. Immediately, he decided it was Elise.
He changed his mind when he found Iago himself in the closet, tied up with tape over his mouth to muffle his screaming but with his nose exposed for breathing. This was not Elise's doing. Elise dressed like a doll and had the arm strength to match.
"Anything to get out of work," he said, and Iago looked up at him in exasperation.