Disclaimer: I own nothing other than my mind
Collection of fictlets of my male half-elf barbarian/monk Dark Urge and Astarion's slow-burn romance.
Spoilers for Acts 2
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Tav sat at the run-down bar nursing a half-empty mug of beer, replaying the events of the day in his mind. He was bloodied and bruised, as were the many occupants of the Last Light Inn, but at least most everyone survived the attack. Isobel was recovering upstairs from the attempted abduction, while Jaheira and a few of her Harpers were crowded around a nearby table, planning their approach to Moonrise Towers. Tav however couldn't stop thinking of how Mol had been taken. He should have been able to protect her better. So many people were relying on him and his companions. The eviscerated bodies of two Harpers flashed into his mind, and a curl of joy unfurled in his chest and he shook his head, trying to clear it. Tav was brought from his sullen thoughts when Halsin's large hand landed on his shoulder.
Tav looked over at the druid, who was sporting a yellowing bruise on his cheek and a mostly healed cut above his eyebrow. "You're looking much more forlorn than I would have expected. What troubles you?" Halsin asked. His voice and posture were kind and considerate as a soothing flow of magic slid over Tav's skin, spurring his wounds to heal more rapidly.
"I fear I'm beginning to wear thin. For weeks, I've trod forward, pushing through every obstacle in our path, and I think it's catching up to me," Tav said looking wearily into the dregs of his beer mug.
Halsin nodded thoughtfully, his hand squeezing Tav's shoulder before he removed it, "I understand. It has been quite a burden you have carried for the sake of many." He leaned one arm on the bar top, still facing Tav as he continued, "But know this, you have many that offer our support. Your companions and I will aid you in any way that we can." The large elf nudged Tav with his elbow and lowered his voice, "But come, wallowing does no one any good. Let us make our way back to camp where we can talk more if you'd like."
Tav nodded and downed the last gulp of his beer. He tossed a silver on the bar, stood, and followed Halsin from the run-down inn and its weary occupants. They talked quietly as they traversed the short distance to camp. As his eyes landed on his companions, Tav's mood brightened a fraction but the darkness in his mind held fast. He did his best to put on a smile, however, as he joined Lae-zel, Shadowheart, and Gale around the campfire. Gale was putting the finishing touches on a heavenly-smelling stew and Tav's stomach growled loudly.
"I see all of that fighting worked up an appetite for us both. Gale, how much longer will we have to sit here and suffer that tantalizing smell," Lae-zel asked impatiently. She had begrudgingly admitted her enjoyment for Faerûn culinary dishes, especially those crafted by Gale's hand.
"Now, now, you know you can't rush perfection Lae-zel," Gale chided gently, a smirk on his lips. With a sprinkle of more spice, the wizard declared loudly, "There! That should do it. Halsin, if you wouldn't mind fetching the rest of our delightful companions? Shadowheart, could you be a dear and retrieve the bowls and spoons from the camp supplies?"
The two nodded and went about their tasks as Gale turned to give Tav an appraising look, "Something on your mind?"
Tav looked up from where he was sitting on the log, his elbows on his knees as he stared at his hands, "Oh. Uh. No, I'm fine. It's just been a long day. The Harpers lost some good people." He looked away from Gale's concerned look as Shadowheart returned carrying a stack of dented metal bowls and spoons.
"Chk, don't let your mind linger overlong on those that have died, especially those that have fallen in battle. They were brave, if a bit foolish to stand up to those winged beasts," Lae-zel said confidently as she took a bowl full of stew from Gale.
This spurred a conversation between Lae-zel and Shadowheart that dragged others into the discussion as they all convened for dinner around the campfire. Tav silently ate his stew and half listened to the conversation. He noticed Astarion was absent, though that wasn't terribly unusual. Often during mealtime, the rogue would scout the local area and hunt. Since they had been in the Shadow Cursed lands, however, hunting was out of the question.
He knew Astarion was having a difficult time adjusting back down to a lower ration of blood since his only source now was Tav. He finished his bowl of stew and politely excused himself from the group. He wandered to the edge of camp, staring into the gloom of the forest nearby. He felt a shiver of unease tingle up his spine as he stared into the darkness. Even with the Moonmaiden's blessing the shadows felt oppressive. And yet Tav found he was drawn to that darkness and he stepped into it, welcoming the peculiar silence that engulfed him.
He wasn't sure how long he spent wandering through the gnarled forest of pale trees. The Shadow Curse had a way of muddling the passage of time. If it wasn't for the faintly visible sun, they would have a difficult time telling day from night. As it was, the darkness of night clung to the area and seemed to muffle the world's noise.
"Master, you called for me?"
Tav looked up from the desiccated bones of an unidentifiable animal and saw Sceleritas Fel standing a few paces in front of him, wringing his hands. Tav let out a deep sigh, "I didn't call for you."
Sceleritas dipped a quick bow, "Ah, but your mind did. It's been screaming out since you stepped foot in this dark and twisted place. It won't stop until your thirsty Urge is sated, Milord." He shuffled forward and continued in a low voice, "I wished to bring you another powerful tithe, Master. But, it comes with a prerequisite. You must kill a certain lovely girl, with a face as sweet as the moon." Sceleritas conjured an image of Isobel's face out of a mist of red.
Tav recoiled taking a step back from the goblinoid, "No, I told you no more killing innocents. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be like this. If Isobel falls, so many at Last Light would perish."
"So many bodies. You love piles of body, Master! The cleric is too precious to live, I'm afraid. If you don't do this task, I fear what might happen to you, young Master. Remember the mishap you had with that bard? Your clever mind hungers for extreme violence. If you don't appease your Urge soon, it may lash out at those closest to you," Sceleritas warned, taking another bow. "Be true to yourself, Milord."
Sceleritas winked out of sight and Tav collapsed against a nearby tree, feeling drained. His mind whirled with the implications. Either he kills Isobel or he might kill one of his companions. He was so tired of being yanked around by forces he couldn't control. A spark of rage lit in his stomach and he smashed a fist into the tree until his knuckles were bloodied. He stood panting letting the rage and pain wash through him, trying to control the creeping madness that lurked at the edges of his mind.
Tav was surprised out of his stupor when a low voice floated through the haze in his mind, "Darling?"
Tav looked over his shoulder and saw Astarion standing warily in the shadows a handful of paces away. His hands were on his daggers at his hips and his crimson eyes darted around keeping a keen eye on their surroundings. Shame blossomed in Tav's chest as he watched the rogue step closer. He didn't want Astarion to see him this way, hanging by a thread to the shreds of his sanity.
"You've been gone from camp for a while now. Wyll informed me you left after dinner while I was at Last Light getting a few more supplies for the camp. Halsin told me you were...having a hard time with what happened earlier today. I know you were fond of Mol," Astarion spoke as he slowly approached Tav. He could smell Tav's fresh blood and it took him a moment to connect the bloodied knuckles he sported and the faint traces of blood on the pale tree next to the barbarian.
Astarion saw the ghost of pain and rage on Tav's face as the half-elf turned away to stare out at the darkened woods. Tav's voice was gruff as he said, "I am fond of Mol. I'll get her back. I just-" he heaved a deep sigh, his shoulders slumping, "I needed some alone time."
"I see. Fine, I'll leave you to it then," Astarion said as he turned to head back to camp. He was strangely stung by Tav's words, usually the half-elf confided in him and he felt the walls of Tav's mind closed tightly against him. He was stopped by Tav's hand around his wrist and the other around his waist. He hadn't even heard the half-elf move. Astarion swallowed hard as a tingle of surprise shot down his spine.
Tav was pressed close to Astarion's back as he slid his hand that held Astarion's wrist up to Astarion's shoulder. Terror threatened to overwhelm Tav at the thought of being alone with the madness that was closing around his mind. He whispered in a broken and pitiful voice, "Please don't leave me. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to feel anything but you, Astarion." Darkness coiled around Tav's mind as his senses focused entirely on the elf held against his body. His mind went blank as the lust thrummed through him and his hand continued upwards from Astarion's shoulder until it was tangled in the silver locks at the nape of Astarion's neck. Tav pressed his lips against Astarion's neck, hot and desperate, the intoxicating smell of bergamot and rosemary filling his senses.
Astarion's mind raced as his body betrayed him and melted into Tav's embrace. He knew Tav wasn't in his right mind, something was driving the half-elf, something carnal and dark. He was about to speak up when Tav nipped and kissed the hollow right below his ear. He couldn't help the moan that slipped from his lips instead of words, as Tav pressed him against a tree. The gnarled bark was rough against Astarion's chest as Tav pinned one of Astarion's hands against the tree.
Tav's hips ground into Astarion's ass as his teeth sank into the muscle of Astarion's shoulder. The half-elf let out a guttural growl when Astarion gasped at the pain and pleasure. "Astarion. I need you to stop me," Tav said as he buried his face in Astarion's curls, "Hit me, stab me, or bite me. Drink me to the edge of consciousness before this madness takes me. If you don't, I'm not sure I'll be able to reign my control back in."
Astarion warred with himself. His body yearned to continue, to let whatever was going to happen, happen. He knew emotionally, however, that he wasn't ready for that leap and wasn't sure he wanted to take that leap with Tav in his current state. Desire, apprehension, self-disgust, and hunger tangled in his gut as he turned around to face Tav, but he managed to speak confidently, "Then get on your knees."
There was only a second of hesitation on Tav's face before he dropped to his knees before Astarion. His face was flushed and his eyes were wild with desire, but he held Astarion's gaze all the same. Every part of his body ached to throw himself onto the pale elf standing before him. He wanted to taste every inch of Astarion's skin, wanted to hear his name cried from the elf's lips, to burst free of the shackles in his mind and give in to the primal lust that thundered through every fiber of his being.
Astarion knelt slowly, keeping his eyes locked onto Tav's dark blue ones. His hand slid around the back of Tav's neck as he used his thumb to lean the half-elf's head just enough to expose more of his throat. He watched Tav's eyes flutter closed as he leaned forward and pulled Tav down enough so he could bite down and puncture the half-elf's neck. Euphoria filled him as he methodically drank, careful to maintain a slow pace, despite Tav's rapid heartbeat trying to urge him to drink more.
Tav wrapped one arm around Astarion's waist, practically curling his body around Astarion, as his other hand cupped the back of Astarion's head. The turmoil in his mind began to slow as he focused solely on the feeling of his blood being drained from his body. His fingers grew numb and the corners of his vision began to blur. He leaned forward, guiding Astarion to the ground below him, letting his arm cushion the fall for Astarion.
Astarion grunted and went to pull away but Tav's hand behind his head stopped him before he could go far. "Keep going," Tav panted, "Just a little more."
"If I keep going I could kill you," Astarion said frustration clear in his voice.
Tav turned his head and whispered in Astarion's ear, "I trust you, Astarion. Please. Keep. Going."
Astarion clenched his jaw, snarled, then bit down again on Tav's neck and he heard the half-elf hiss in pain. He could feel how slow Tav's heart was becoming as he gulped down another mouthful of blood.
Tav began to mumble against Astarion's hair as the pale elf took one more drink, before pulling away again. "Tav?"
Somehow the barbarian still had enough strength to prop himself up on his elbows. Tears were streaming down his face as the two holes in his neck trickled blood and it fell and landed on Astarion's neck. Tears soon joined the blood as Tav mumbled over and over again that he was sorry. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry 'Star. I should have let you leave me here. I-I wasn't in my right mind, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Tav said his voice barely above a hoarse whisper as Astarion pulled the larger man into a hug attempting to calm the inconsolable man.
"Shh, think nothing of it, my dear. We all fall prey to our weaknesses sometimes," Astarion said somberly, as he rubbed comforting circles on Tav's back. When Tav's sobs slowed, Astarion spoke softly, almost afraid to break the spell of the moment, "Are you well enough for us to head back to camp?"
Tav laughed humorlessly, "No, but we need to regardless of my state." He got off of Astarion with a grunt and swayed for a moment before Astarion stood and steadied him. "Before we go, I just wanted to say- to promise you, that I will do better, and I will never do anything like this again without your consent."
Astarion looked away from Tav's intense expression, still trying to process everything that had happened. "I believe you," he said after a handful of heartbeats, "But, what I don't believe is that you fell apart because of what happened at Last Light."
"I think it was a combination of events," Tav said solemnly.
Astarion noticed Tav was shivering in the cool night air, and the pallid tone of the half-elf's skin wasn't a good sign. Putting aside his feelings he said, "We'll discuss it later, right now you and I need to get back to camp. Draining you of that much blood was foolhardy and incredibly dangerous."
Tav nodded sheepishly and mumbled out another apology as Astarion led him back to the relative safety of the camp.
By the time the two made it back to camp, Tav was leaning heavily on Astarion for support. Halsin was up, tending to the fire and keeping a subtle watch on the woods, when they stumbled back into the edge of camp. Halsin stood and rushed over, concern etched on his face, "What happened?"
Astarion shot a look at Tav's exhausted face, "I got carried away. I know, I know, I need to be more careful. I promise it won't happen again. It's just been tough recently."
Halsin let out a sigh, mixed with relief and exasperation, and replied after laying a hand on Tav's shoulder, "I appreciate your honesty, Astarion. This should help, but he needs plenty of rest. I don't recommend feeding again for a couple of days." Magic flared underneath Halsin's hand and Tav's skin mostly returned to his normal complexion.
"Cross my heart and hope to die...again," Astarion replied with a humorless snark in his voice, "I'm sure I can find a few rats to keep the edge off."
The large druid gave Astarion an appraising look but said nothing as he helped the pale elf get Tav to his tent.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Tav awoke drenched in a cold sweat, stifling a scream. He sat up, looked around his tent, and saw that he was alone and was grateful that Astarion wasn't there. Their relationship had been strained by Tav's breakdown earlier in the week. He wasn't ready to broach the subject of his reoccurring madness with the vampire spawn and it had created an obstacle that they both were dancing around. He rubbed at his hands as he sat there panting, desperately trying to reign in his thundering heart. He could still feel the ghost of Isobel's neck crunching in his grasp.
Tav put his head in his hands and groaned. His urges were becoming unbearable. They'd become worse the closer they got to Moonrise Towers, rising to a fever pitch after the group had infiltrated the Towers, pretending to be Absolute cultists. Every night was plagued with disturbing dreams and every day was filled with flares of extremely depraved desires. Now their group was heading to a mausoleum in pursuit of a necromancer with ties to Ketheric Thorm's immortality.
His stomach heaved and he scrambled on his hands and knees out of his tent to retch. When his stomach was empty and no longer cramping in pain, he wiped his mouth and staggered to his feet. His vision swam and pain lanced through his head as a voice spoke behind him, "Oh dear me, Master. You look horrid. It seems you decided not to take my advice of following those Urges of yours. Oh Master, why must you fight it so?"
Tav spun and regretted it as his stomach cramped again and he growled out through gritted teeth, "Get away from me. I want nothing to do with you or these urges."
"You're not in your right mind, Master, but you will be. Tonight you will do something divinely unspeakable," Sceleritas Fel said giddily as he clapped his hands together. The grotesque butler cackled as he disappeared. Tav growled and spun again looking for the diminutive creature. It was then his eyes focused on Astarion's form at the campsite. The pale elf had his back to Tav as he sat, his head resting on his arms which were propped up on his knees. Sceleritas shimmered back into sight near Astarion, his face twisted into a thoughtful expression as he spoke, "An example must be made, and this is the only way I see for you to be able to collect the tithe you are due, my Lord."
Tav staggered towards them, feeling a pulse of pain in his head as his stomach squeezed tight once more, "Get...away..from him."
Sceleritas gasped but didn't move as he replied, "Master, I would never deign to rob you of the delight of a kill. No no, your Urge yearns to kill, and kill it shall once you fall back asleep."
"No..I can't. I can't kill him. I don't want to kill anyone else," Tav said despondently as he closed the distance to Sceleritas and Astarion.
Sceleritas shook his head and looked piteously at Tav, "He is so afraid, you know, of everyone...everyone besides you, my Master. Even though you are the one he ought to fear the most. He is beneath you, Milord."
Tav fell to his knees, his body was on fire and he struggled to keep his eyes focused on Sceleritas, "I love him..."
"I know, Master. We all kill what we love most, in time," Sceleritas said gently as he took a step towards Tav and wiped the tears that fell down Tav's cheeks. "He'll never believe that you like him for more than his looks. He's not capable of trusting someone enough to love them."
Tav's hands shook, aching for a knife, the Urge flaring hot as the desire to plunge a knife into Astarion's unprotected back, slammed against his willpower.
"You could confess to him, my Lord. Whisper your love to him as you twist a knife into his heart, Master. Watch as the life leaves his eyes as his blood spills over your knife-hand. I have every faith in you. Good night, my sweet Lord." And Sceleritas vanished once again. Tav was left panting and shivering in the cool air of the night.
He swallowed back the bile in his throat and croaked out, "Astarion. 'Star, wake up, please."
Astarion shifted with a soft groan and lifted his head peering around, "Tav?" He half turned and saw Tav kneeling in the dirt behind him and quickly came to alertness. "What's going on? You don't look like...yourself."
Tav leaned forward and dug his fingers into his thighs, to keep them from reaching for Astarion's neck. "Killing Alfira wasn't a one-time thing. These urges I get are dangerous and apparently, they want you next," Tav said panting with the effort. He could feel the sweat beading on his skin and sliding down his spine. "I'm sorry, I should have told you so much sooner than this. I can't fight it anymore, 'Star. I'm in a losing battle and I can't see you hurt, especially not by my own hands. Please, don't let me do this."
Astarion's face grew concerned and Tav could tell from the set of his jaw and the tightness around his eyes that he was battling his rising panic. Astarion chuckled nervously and said, "Why didn't you talk to me about this sooner? Before things got murderously bad." Before Tav could gather his thoughts for a reply Astarion continued, "Whatever it is that's controlling you, we can fight it. Together. I know that better than anyone."
Tav blinked as his vision blurred. His hands slipped on his thighs as a spasm shook his body and he fell to the ground. Darkness gripped his vision as he passed out, Astarion's concerned and panicked voice the last thing he heard.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Astarion clawed his way through the general camp supplies, desperately looking for rope. He knew he wouldn't be capable of fending off Tav alone, especially if the barbarian was intent on murder, so the next best thing he could think of was tying the large half-elf up. His fingers landed on the coarse feeling of rope and he quickly gathered it and dashed back to Tav's unconscious body. Tav was groaning softly and his eyes moved frenetically underneath his lids.
Moving as fast as he could Astarion rolled Tav over so he could bind his wrists behind his back, and for good measure bound the barbarian's upper arms as well. He wouldn't put it past the man if he managed to brute force his way out of the bindings on his wrists. As Astarion rolled Tav back over, the half-elf moaned and his eyes snapped open. His face was a terrible mask of feral bloodlust, his eyes wild and the whites tinged with crimson.
"Calm yourself, love. Whatever this is won't have you. It won't win," Astarion said softly, his fingers gripping Tav's shoulder as the bound man struggled against the bonds.
Tav bared his teeth, let out a strangled bellow, and snapped his teeth at Astarion's hand and the pale elf flinched backward, "Ah ah ah! We ask before we bite, darling." He could smell the sharp copper of fresh blood and his stomach clenched as hunger pangs swept through him. Leaning around Tav he saw the half-elf had rubbed his wrists bloody against the coarse rope. The rope tied around his upper arms looked like it was digging painfully into his straining muscles, and Astarion knew it would leave bruises.
"Easy, love. Don't give in to it, just concentrate on my voice, I've got you," Astarion said comfortingly, as he brushed the hair back off of Tav's sweating forehead.
Tav squeezed his eyes shut, panting out in a strained voice, "I'm sorry 'Star." He grunted in pain as a spasm closed off his throat and forced him to curl into himself. When the episode abated he focused his vision on Astarion's face. He managed to groan out a thank you before his vision blurred again with the pain.
"You'd do the same if our positions were reversed. Just relax - dawn isn't far off," the pale elf said gently, sitting back on his heels as he scanned the camp. Seeing that their other companions were thankfully unaware of what was occurring, Astarion turned his attention back to Tav and saw that the half-elf was resting fitfully with his eyes scrunched shut in pain.
It hurt to see him like this. Astarion wished he had some way of taking the pain away, of fixing the broken parts of this man he was beginning to care for more than he wanted to admit. But he knew that he had no hope of fixing Tav when he couldn't even fix himself.
For the next hour, Astarion would whisper comforting words to Tav whenever he went back to straining against his bonds, and wiping away the sweat on Tav's forehead when spasms took the man. Occasionally, Tav would slip into unconsciousness, and that worried Astarion more than the gnashing teeth and explicit vile curses, or pitiful begging from Tav to end his suffering.
As the greys of a slowly approaching dawn tinted the darkened sky, Tav's condition improved rapidly. Astarion watched Tav's eyes as the half-elf looked around and sat up awkwardly, the ropes still binding his blood-caked wrists and bruised arms. "Welcome back," Astarion said with a smirk playing on his lips.
Tav blinked, coughed, then spoke in a rough voice, "I hope I didn't cause you too much trouble."
Astarion hummed and stood to cut Tav's binds. "Now that you're back, let's have a little chat shall we?"
Tav grimaced and rolled his shoulders to get the knots and aches out of his muscles. He stared down at his raw wrists for a moment, gathering his thoughts. Astarion sat patiently, leaning one elbow on a raised knee.
"As you all know...I don't remember much from my past. A few snips of a feeling here, a vague face or two there. Nothing substantial other than the general workings of Baldur's Gate and Faerûn," Tav started, keeping his eyes downcast as he spoke.
"All I know now is that I keep having these intense urges that are, well - to be honest, they're sickening and incredibly violent and depraved. A part of me revels in these dark urges but each day I fight against it. Desperately. I don't want to be like my previous life, whatever it may be," he paused, shifting his eyes up to Astarion, who wore a serious look on his face but said nothing.
So Tav continued again quickly, "I've been informed...about my past, some of it anyways, and I cannot reconcile that person as me. I'm sorry for not being more honest with you. That's why I broke down...I...was on the verge of losing it because the Urge, wanted you, and I wasn't willing to give you up."
A short silence spread between them before Astarion took Tav's hands in his own, his face earnest as he spoke, "That's...a lot to take in, but you're not alone in this - none of us are. Gods know, I don't deserve to judge you for your past. We all have done things we may not be proud of, but that doesn't mean we have to slide back down into the filth."
Tav's vision wavered as tears sprung into his eyes at the sincerity in Astarion's voice, the acceptance. "I promise, I'll become the person you see in me, 'Star. No matter how much I have to claw my way forward."
A smile lit Astarion's face as the darkness around them was pushed back ever so slightly by the rising sun, despite the oppressive grey clouds. "We'll do it together, Tav. I'll make sure of it." Astarion touched Tav's face, his delicate fingers barely cooler than the surrounding air. "I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted after all of that. What say you to sleeping in today?"
Tav chuckled and slid his hand over Astarion's so he could turn and kiss the pale elf's palm before he spoke, "I'd like that, very much."
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Thanks for reading