Although Mildred's antidote seemed to have done the trick, Constance was unable to stay awake for much longer as her body was exhausted after her self-inflicted destruction. The infirmary was quiet again, the tension from the frantic moments of administering the solution slowly dissipating. Constance simply lay back on the bed, her breathing more even now, though she still looked pale and fragile, as nervous faces peered down at her.
Most loyal of them all, Mildred stayed by her side, clutching Constance's hand as if her own strength could somehow transfer to her, before Amelia checked her pulse and breathing, her face relaxing slightly as she saw the first signs of improvement.
"She's stable now," Miss Cackle smiled softly, glancing at Mildred with concern. "But she needs rest. You should try to get some rest too, Mildred, before we talk about anything. That was an awful ordeal for the both of you."
However, Mildred shook her head in disagreement. "I need to talk to you now, Miss Cackle. You should know what has happened, and I think Miss Hardbroom would want you to know too. You're important to her, and she doesn't have many people in her life at the moment, so please look after her in return."
Amelia nodded, understanding the urgency. "Go on then. You said she hurt herself, do you mean during the fall? I don't quite follow, Mildred."
With one last lingering look at Constance, Mildred looked up at her headmistress properly, her heart still pounding with the weight of what she had discovered. She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself, but the only person she really wanted to talk to was Constance as she recalled the scenario miserably.
"The potion I gave her a wasn't one to fight an infection or anything of the sort, but rather a poison antidote-"
"Poison? I am sure Miss Hardbroom is intelligent enough not to mix up her potions, Mildred-"
"Exactly...Miss Cackle, she is too intelligent for this to be an accident." Mildred urged anxiously. "What I am trying to say is that I found something in her bedroom. I think she tried to overdose on a sleeping draught...you know...on purpose."
Miss Cackle's eyes widened in shock, her hand coming up to her mouth as she understood what Mildred was implying. "An overdose? Oh, Constance sweetheart…how on earth could it have come to this?"
"She must have been feeling so overwhelmed. So lost and alone..." Mildred said, her voice breaking as she did so. "I found a vial on her desk. It was almost empty. She took too much - I'm talking a lot here - Miss Cackle. She thought…she thought it was the only way out."
Miss Cackle's expression softened, a mixture of sorrow and regret. "I should have seen the signs. I knew she was struggling which is why I forced her into counselling to help, but she's always been so strong, so capable…"
"None of us saw it. I think part of me knew she was in pain, but not to this extent" Mildred said softly, guilt crashing over her in waves. "She hid it well. She always hides it well. But now we know, and we can help her. We have to help her."
Miss Cackle nodded, her eyes glistening with unshed tears as she looked down at her friend, so vulnerable, so devastated, in front of her. "You're right, Mildred. We must do everything we can to support her. She's given so much to this school, to all of us. It's time we give back to her."
"Yes...but Miss Cackle, there's something else," Mildred continued, her voice hesitant. "Miss Ravenscroft…I think she might have made things worse. She said some really hurtful things to me during my counselling session on Saturday, things about Miss Hardbroom. I can't even imagine what she could have said to her, that might have made her feel like a failure."
Miss Cackle's expression hardened, a spark of disapproval flaring in her eyes at Mildred's accusation. "That is a serious claim, Mildred. When did Miss Ravenscroft speak to Constance?"
"I think it was yesterday evening. I'm not trying to undermine anyone here, but I don't think it's a coincidence given that she tried to leave this world behind after her session with her..." Mildred trailed off, adding dramatic suspense to her statement for effect.
"Look, I will speak to Miss Ravenscroft, but her role is to support and help, not to harm. If she has been causing distress, she will answer for it, but I think it's unlikely...I think we have simply overlooked Constance's overactive mind, and she's felt very hurt in the process" Amelia concluded, allowing very little room for Mildred to elaborate on her suspicions further.
Mildred nodded, a sense of relief washing over her as she realised some investigation might take place. "Thank you, Miss Cackle. I just…I couldn't keep it to myself. Miss Hardbroom needs us, now more than ever, and I think she needs to take a break, from teaching, from counselling - from everything."
Miss Cackle reached out, placing a comforting hand on Mildred's shoulder as she smiled at her gently. "Very well. You did the right thing, Mildred. You showed great courage and compassion this morning, and I know that despite everything, you do love her dearly. Now, let's focus on helping Constance recover. She'll need all our support in the days to come. Be there for her, talk to her, listen to her. You always do the right thing in the end, Mildred."
With that final sentiment, Amelia left the pair of them alone for no one else was in there, having muttered an excuse about needing to sort out the rest of the school. Not only did the headmistress have to tend to the mass of girls who were gathered anxiously in the courtyard, but she also had to inform the Chief Wizard about what had happened, for Hellebore was still waiting in her office once he had escorted Constance to the hospital wing.
When left alone, Mildred reflected on the many things she wanted to say to Miss Hardbroom, but she also held her best interests at heart, so she refused to wake her up just yet. Instead, she simply admired her adoringly, watching the lines on her forehead fade away as she slept, for in her dreams, nothing could hurt her. She admired her hair, her eyelashes, everything about her, for when Constance slept, all her harsh exterior fell apart. Instead, she looked soft, her features almost childlike and carefree, highlighting how young she still was - how much she looked like Mildred when she finally let other people in.
-x-
Many hours later, as the final rays of sunset filtered through the large glass panes into the infirmary, Constance stirred, a strange sensation of pins and needles coursing through her arm. As she became more aware of her surroundings, she realised why: Mildred was lying across her, fast asleep, her small frame pressing down on Constance's arm and chest as she hadn't left her side all day.
Constance winced slightly but couldn't help a small, affectionate smile from crossing her face as she regained complete consciousness. Mildred's presence, though uncomfortable in that moment, only showed her dedication and care for her, as she found herself ever wondering how this could have gone away. Consequently, Constance accepted that a long conversation, no matter how painful it was going to be, was in order as she took her free hand and gently shook Mildred's shoulder.
"Mildred," she whispered, her voice hoarse from disuse. "You can wake up now. Everything is going to be okay, I promise. Come on now, wake up for me, lovely."
Eventually, Mildred stirred, blinking groggily as she awoke, taking several rounds of gentle reassurance for her to remember what had happened. However, when she saw Constance's soft eyes open and looking at hers, a mixture of relief and hope flooded her face. "You're awake!" she exclaimed, quickly sitting up and freeing Constance's arm before staring at her, wide eyed.
"I am, Mil" she replied sensitively, smiling shyly as she fidgeted with her hands in embarrassment.
Without another word, Mildred burst into tears and flung herself onto Constance, wrapping her arms around her neck in a tight hug, leaning against her face as her own tears fell gently down the side of Constance's cheek. "I was so scared!" she sobbed, her words muffled against Constance's shoulder. "I thought I'd lost you forever!"
Constance was taken aback for a moment, Miss Ravenscroft's words still playing on her mind, but then she gently returned the embrace, her own eyes misting over as she cradled the back of Mildred's head, stroking her back gently. It was the first time they had hugged since last term, and in its own heartbreaking way, it felt like coming home.
"Shh, Mildred. It's alright now. I'm awake, and I'm here" she reassured, whispering gently.
Mildred pulled back slightly, her tear-streaked face full of anguish and relief, before she said something that Constance did not expect.
"I'm sorry...so sorry, HB. I think the world of you and I am sorry that I drove you to think that doing something like this was the only way out" she choked, tears still streaming down her face.
"Mildred - I - it wasn't your fault at all..." Constance trailed off sadly, cupping Mildred's cheeks as she attempted to reassure her. "Why on earth do you think that, darling?"
Mildred wiped her eyes gently before pulling back completely, so she could look Constance dead in the eyes, ready to admit her worries. "When I was young, I once had a dream. I saw my mother with the love of her life and no children, and it was the happiest I'd ever seen her. It's stuck with me ever since, because even though it is now you instead of her, I still see that dream every day. In the back of my mind, I worry that life has become so much harder for you since having me, and I don't want that for you, HB. I don't want you to struggle at all. I want you to be happy."
Constance's gaze grew distant, her voice tinged with sorrow. "Is that why you were so insistent on trying to figure out what was wrong with me? Because I can assure you, Mildred, it was nothing to do with you. If anything, you're the only one who can save me - you're my key to everything."
"Then why didn't you let me in?" Mildred questioned, appreciating the sentiment but unable to understand how it could be true.
"I guess we accept the love we think we deserve" Constance began carefully, sadness etched into every crevice of her face. "I don't know why I do what I do, but it always has to be perfect. It has to be irreproachable in every way, so I shut people out."
"Why?" Mildred asked, her eyes heavy with emotion.
"To make up for it. To make up for the fact that I'm me."
"But you're beautiful, Miss Hardbroom. There's nothing wrong with you, I promise, you don't have to make up for anything. You deserve love just as much as you say I do" Mildred reassured her, reaching out a hand to gently swipe away a tear which had escaped Constance's eye and trickled down her nose.
"I - I'm not...I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. Draw a picture of my soul, and it would be a scribble with fangs" she continued, anger at herself flashing in her expression. "I hurt people, Mildred. I'm incapable of doing otherwise. Everything I touch dies beneath me, no matter how gentle I try to be, how much I try to love it instead of destroy it, it all meets the same fate in the end."
"That is not true, you know. You've shown me so much love, and I would not be here without you. You have not destroyed me. You could not destroy me. Last week was me lashing out because of my own feelings and awful decisions...it's not a reflection on you. Why must you put all this pressure on yourself?"
"Because even if that is true, even if I am full of love, all a ghost can do is haunt..." Constance trailed off, speaking in a riddle which Mildred did not understand. "Look, what I'm trying to say is that I do love you Mildred, I promise I do, but I can't seem to get over everything that has happened in my past so it's left me grieving. Constantly grieving. I mourn what I could have been. What I will not be. What I can't save" Constance elaborated shakily. "And I think too deeply about everything. I don't know if that allows me to see more of the world of less of it, and it scares me. It has ruined everything"
"How are you so quiet about it though?" Mildred questioned suddenly, only to be met with a look of confusion from the older woman. "Your sadness, I mean. You have all this to say, but you never say it aloud. How do you hold it in your chest, in your eyes, in your teeth without letting it speak; how does it stay still?
"
"I barely hold it, as you have seen today. You know, I do want to talk about what happened but without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way to care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me, because no matter how cold I pretend my heart is, I will never get over what happened. I simply do not know where to start, and that is why I don't talk about anything."
"You can talk about it in your own way to me though, however you want or don't want, with no pressure, no strings attached. I'll take care of you" Mildred pleaded.
"But you're a child, you shouldn't have to look after me. It's rotten work."
"Not to me it's not. Not if it's you. Tell me. Tell me now, it's okay. I won't hurt you, I promise" Mildred reassured her, so much compassion evident in her young eyes, eyes that had already seen so much pain.
Taking a deep sigh, Constance decided to come out with everything, Mildred deserved that at the very least. She didn't care what anyone else thought anymore, she just wanted to feel loved. She wanted to be loved more than she wanted to be alive. More than her job, more than her magic, more than her reputation. She would give it all up for Mildred.
"Do you ever wonder, am I supposed to be grateful that we both survived this? Because it hurts, Mildred. It hurts so much. There are mornings when I wake up, or evenings when I cannot sleep where I forget how I got here. I forget how much I didn't want to survive, and by doing so, the world has passed me by while I've been stuck, waiting. Waiting for something to save me. And suddenly I'm not twenty anymore. Suddenly an entire year has passed since I decided to stand up to Mistress Broomhead, but in all that waiting, I've realised that there's a big difference between deciding to leave and knowing where to go. In all this, I've realised I don't know who I am anymore. Who I was before all this happened."
"I get it, I really do. When you saved me last year, there were times where I wished you hadn't, because leaving this world somehow seemed less painful than trying to work through everything - learning everything again. Learning how to love, how to trust, how to be a good person, it all felt too heavy. Too much. Too unfair, for the wound was not my fault but the healing was my responsibility. But despite all that, I'm glad I stayed, because that way, Mistress Broomhead didn't get to win. She hurt me, but she's gone now, and I deserve better. I deserve a life so beautiful that she will never get to touch again, and so do you!" Mildred explained, a range of comebacks ready for whatever excuse Constance tried to hit her with.
"Even if I made that decision, I fear that it will not be possible..." Constance worried, her thoughts falling back onto her original problem, the reason this had all happened in the first place.
"It can be. Anything can be possible if you set your heart on it-"
"No, Mildred...it might not be" Constance trembled, trying to suppress her emotion, but it was no use. Her façade crumbled completely as she covered her face with her hands again, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm so tired, Mildred," she whispered through her sobs. "The pain...it's unbearable."
"Oh...come here" Mildred comforted, before scooping Constance up and cradling her, trying to ignore her own breaking heart.
"It's not just emotional..." she stuttered, before slumping backwards into the bed frame. "The reason I've been hiding away is because I've been unwell for a very long time. All throughout last year, I've been exhausted, and over summer, it only got worse. All of those times where I said I was at conferences, I was actually at the doctors. They didn't find anything, but I'm in pain all the time, and I'm scared Mildred, but I was even more scared to tell you, in case it hurt you, scared you. All it did though was end up driving us apart anyway, for I became distant. That's the problem when you're facing something like this, it doubles into two battles. One is the illness itself and the other is living in a world where so few people know what you're up against, so I shut you out, and I'm sorry."
"Oh HB you poor thing! No... I'm the one who's sorry. I should never have said all those awful things to you in that argument and acting like I didn't care last week, because I do care. It was selfish of me to expect you to reassure me every day when you were fighting something so awful yourself, and I only made matters worse by dragging you out of bed because of that awful party-"
"No, don't be sorry, Mildred, I should have told you-" Constance reassured her, before stopping mid sentence as she was interrupted by Mildred again.
"Oh, we will go around in circles forever this way, so lets just accept each others apologies. We have both been idiots" she stated, clearly exasperated. "I'm sorry for saying all those awful things to you. You are like a mother to me, and it's okay that you haven't healed from things you don't talk about. We can work on it together. You don't have to figure it out alone."
"Okay, then I am sorry for hiding things from you too. For not giving you the support you deserve because I should know better than anyone, that you will need that reassurance more now you have been abused. I do love you, Mildred, I will love you for as long as I shall live, no matter what she says..."
Mildred's expression hardened through her tears as she picked up on the latter half of Constance's sentence. "She? Do you mean Miss Ravenscroft? What did she say to you, Miss Hardbroom?"
Constance hesitated, but seeing the determination in Mildred's eyes, she continued. Although the was scared of her words having some truth, she would have to find out in the end anyway, so she chose to bite the bullet. "She told me that I was failing you. That I am too harsh, too distant. She said you… that you called me neglectful. Manipulative. That I was no better than Mistress broomhead because I was emotionally abusing you, and...and that you think I regret adopting you."
Mildred's heart ached hearing this, her anger spiralling as she watched Miss Hardbroom's facade crumble as she now understood how last night had come to be, for that would have ruined her too. "I never said any of that! That's complete bullshit. Yes, you're strict, and yes, you have high expectations, but I never thought that. You weren't neglecting me, the only person you were neglecting was yourself!"
Constance looked at her, eyes filled with a mix of gratitude and pain. "Really? Do you really mean that? I'd understand if-"
"YES! Oh my God, that utter bitch! She was the one who was filling my head with lies, saying that you had manipulated me! I didn't fully believe it, but she was so convincing, and by the sounds of it, she's turned her words around and told you that I've said them instead, when in reality it was all her, trying to turn us against each other!"
Constance's eyes widened in shock, incredibly unsettled by this realisation, anger seeping in through her veins. "I should have seen through her words, but I was already so unsure of myself. Her lies found strength in my insecurities."
"Well, Miss Ravenscroft is wrong," Mildred said firmly, her tears subsiding but her voice still trembling. "You're not a failure. You are not abusive. You're the reason I'm still here, and you outshine everyone else in my eyes, I promise."
A tear slipped down Constance's cheek, quickly wiped away with a shaky hand as she heard Mildred finally said the only words she had ever wanted to hear. "Thank you sweetheart. Your words mean more to me than you could ever know."
"We'll get through this together," Mildred said, squeezing her hand. "And we can handle Miss Ravenscroft. We can find out why she's done this. Then she won't be able to hurt anyone else with her lies."
A long, comfortable silence passed between the two of them then, until Mildred realised she had one more thing to ask from Constance, something she still didn't understand. "Why did this argument happen? Aside from Miss Ravenscroft making it worse, I mean..." She began. "I know I misbehaved, but do you think everything fell apart because we are too similar? Why is it that mothers and their daughters connect in a way that is unlike any other? Why is it that you and I, whatever our souls are made of, always turn out the same?"
"I think it is because mothers and daughters exist as wretched mirrors of each other: you are all I could have been and I am all you might be. And I don't want that for you, Mildred. I don't want you to end up like me, because I love you too much, and I think that's the problem. That is why this has been so destructive, because I've shut you out while I've been trying to protect you, and it didn't work. I guess that a mother's hate is not much different from a mother's love. It is so strong that in whatever form, it can feel as if it's consuming you, for it is all a need to protect, and I guess that holds us both back sometimes."
Pausing to reflect on how true Miss Hardbroom's words were, Mildred smiled softly as one, clear thought came over her. "Is it bad if I say I dont care about any of that? No matter how much we argue, no matter how painful life is, I'd take all of that with a pinch of salt if it meant you'd still be in my life, because I need you. I need you like the earth needs the sun, for you're like my mum and I'll always need my mum, no matter how old I get."
Constance looked deeply into Mildred's eyes, a mixture of gratitude and affection welling up within her. She hesitated for a moment, gathering her courage to voice the thought that had been forming in her mind for a long time, which had only grown stronger throughout their conversation tonight. "Mildred, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Something very important."
Mildred tilted her head, curiosity and concern mingling in her expression as she worried that Miss Hardbroom had been put off by her openness. "What is it, Miss Hardbroom?"
Constance took a deep breath, her voice soft but steady. "Over the summer, when you stayed with me, I realised how much I've come to care for you, and it hurt me when you worried, upon returning back to school, that you thought that care had gone away, just because I was temporality looking after you over the summer. I can promise you, it hasn't."
Mildred's eyebrows furrowed, oblivious to what Constance was going to say next. "I believe you...please don't worry about it."
"Well, I do worry about it," Constance said, squeezing Mildred's hand gently. "So I've been thinking…I'd like to make it official. I want to adopt you, Mildred. Not just look after you over the summer, but to be your second mother in every way that matters, and I'd do it properly this time. I want to support you through college, through life, not just for these next ten months at school. This has become more than that now. You are more to me than that now."
"Oh, HB, bless you!" Mildred exclaimed, fresh tears springing to her eyes as she spontaneously engulfed Constance once more, nodding her head furiously in grateful agreement.
"Well in that case, you can call me Con, Mildred" Constance laughed softly, burying her face in Mildred's hair as she kissed her tenderly on the forehead. She had a lot of work to do on herself, a lot of pain to overcome, but for now, everything was okay again for she had her girl back, and she wasn't letting her go this time. They were going to face this together.
A/N - Thoughts:
1) I just had to get the Pinterest folder out for this chapter's dialogue...my heart...my babies...their love will always win...
2) In the next chapter...Amelia is genuinely an arsehole, so enter Ethel Hallow to bring shit down.