JENNIE
My heart flings itself against my ribcage as I ring Mary's doorbell. I've lost the right to use my key. I've been gone for a month, and it's been an excruciatingly slow month and an insanely fast one all at once. As though taking the outside perspective on my life here has sped up my decision-making process, but the only way to get there was by slowing down. By endless hours spent on my parents' porch, staring into nothingness. By long walks with my mother during which we didn't say much at all but our presence, our arms hooked together, said all there was to say. By taking a long hard look at myself and daring, for the first time ever, to find the courage to ask myself the only question that matters: what is it that I really want? There was only ever one answer.
Lisa.
It took me a long while to get there, to fully admit this to myself, to find the energy within me to start this fight. Because it's not going to be easy. But it's the only right thing to do. I have to tell my husband that I'm in love with his sister.
That's how I manage to keep my spine straight when Kai opens the door for me. When he looks me in the eye, he knows, because he knows me, that I've made a decision that might not please him.
Kai may be Lisa's brother, but he's my husband. I asked her not to be here for this, because it's my duty to tell him and mine alone. I married him. I vowed to be there for him always.
"Hug?" Kai asks as he ushers me in.
I nod and we curl our arms around each other, maybe for the last time ever. We engage in some nervous chatter as we head to the backyard.
"We're alone," he says. "Mom and Nathan are at work and Lisa's not back until tonight."
I don't tell him that I know more about Lisa's schedule than he does. That we agreed, from a distance, that before Lisa and I could even see each other again, I had to tell Kai. It's the very least we owe him.
"How are you?" I ask as he pours me a glass of water. I sink into a chair and let my gaze wander over Mary's magnificent garden, over the pool house, the hot tub.
"Been doing a lot of thinking… soul searching, if you will." Kai sends me a shy smile.
"And?"
"And… we need to talk. I may not know much, but I know that." He pauses. "Or no, I also know that it was good to take a break. For you to go away for a while. To have some breathing room. I needed that too. You should know that I don't begrudge you that. It was a wise move."
"Okay." I take a slow sip of water. "Have you come to any conclusions while I was away?"
"Truth be told, I've mainly been driving myself crazy by trying to figure out who it is you have feelings for. You don't have to tell me, if… it's not something you want to talk about. If you choose me."
My heart's breaking already. "Do you want me to choose you?" I no longer see it as a matter of choice, but I'm not Kai.
"Of course I do. I know we have issues. But we can still have kids, Jennie."
"Let's not even talk about kids right now."
"You're right. We're not there yet. I get that."
"Did you miss me?"
"What?" He runs his hand through his hair. "Of course I missed you. You were gone for a month."
"Please be real with me, Kai. Words don't mean all that much to me now. For months you've been saying one thing and doing the opposite. You may say that you missed me but I can no longer take your word for that."
"Did you miss me?"
"Yes…"
"But?" He shuffles in his seat the same way Mary does when she's nervous.
"There is someone else." The only way to say it is to say it. I can beat about the bush for another hour or I can, finally, just come out and say it. "I've tried to forget about them, but I can't."
"Damn it. I knew it." He tilts his head back and rubs his palms over his face. "Will you at least tell me who he is now?"
Oh, fuck. I swallow hard. "I will, but before I do, I need you to really hear that we tried to stop it. We tried for your sake. We tried to put you first, but… it didn't work, because, um, we fell in love."
"We? Who is we? What does this other dude even care?"
"Kai, it's not some dude. It's… It's, um… It's Lisa."
"Lisa?" His face is all confusion. "What do you mean? Not my sister?" He scoffs. "That's just not possible."
"I know how it sounds, but it's true. I'm in love with Lisa." Nothing feels good about saying this. There's no relief. There's no catharsis. There's most certainly no redemption. Having to tell Kai this is the most terrible thing I've ever had to tell anyone.
"Lisa?" His voice shoots up. "But you don't even like her. You've always said she's spoiled and taking advantage of Mom while chasing some pipe dream of acting. What are you even talking about? Also, Lisa's a girl." He jumps out of his chair as though he's going to walk away. "Where's my phone? I need to call her."
"Kai, please, sit. Let me explain."
With a sigh, he sinks back into his chair. "How can you be in love with Lisa? She's my sister!" His gaze skitters away, as though he can't bear to look at me—as though what I've just said is starting to sink in.
"She and I spent a lot of time alone here and… it just happened."
"What happened? Did she try to kiss you or something? I don't understand."
"I kissed her. She stopped me, and rightly so. We thought that would be the end of it, but it wasn't. It was only the beginning. I'm so sorry, Kai."
"What about Lisa? She's in Europe." He slaps his palm against the side of his head. "I can't believe this. I asked her, point blank, if she knew who you had a crush on. I'm not totally ignorant. I did notice that you and Lisa suddenly got a whole lot closer so I figured she might know. She lied to my face. To her own brother."
"What was she supposed to say?"
"How long? How long has this been going on?"
"Not long. Just a few weeks before I left."
"A few weeks?" He breathes heavily. "I thought it was just a crush and now you're suddenly in love with her?"
Some things, I can't tell him. Like how I fell deeply in love with Lisa that night in Topanga, but it was impossible to acknowledge at the time. Like how us coming together that night was so much more than sex. How it felt like coming home to someone I didn't know had been waiting for me all along.
"I know it's a lot to take in." I try to keep my shoulders square, but it's a hard thing to do when the man you've loved for more than a decade is falling apart in front of you because of what you're saying—because of what you did.
"A lot? It's ridiculous, Jennie. Can you even hear yourself? Do you realize what you're saying?" His hands shake.
"I do and I'm sorry." In an instinctive gesture of comfort, I almost reach for him—but I can never comfort my husband again.
"Did you sleep with her? Did you have sex with my sister?"
"Yes."
"But you're not even gay."
"How about bisexual?"
"But you never said."
"I didn't know. I—it's been confusing." All I really know is that I'm in love with Lisa and I'm destroying the life I once knew.
"I'm trying to wrap my head around this but it's not really working." His breathing has calmed down.
"Look, Kai, you and I… it wasn't working anymore."
"For a while, but it could have worked again. We could have made it work. That's what you do when you're married. You work on your marriage. You go through tough times, wait it out, until the good times come around again."
"That's not how it's going to go for us and I'm really sorry about that. I'm the one ending things, but this isn't a unilateral decision, Kai. I think you know that."
"Oh, so now it's my fault that you slept with my sister."
"It's not your fault, but… you made it perfectly clear you didn't want to be around me any longer. Sometimes actions speak much louder than words and they hurt much more as well."
"That's why we were on a break, to sort that out—Oh, I see it now. That's not the reason. The reason is that you had to be with Lisa. With my sister." Tears well in his eyes.
"I haven't been with Lisa. I haven't seen her. We've tried to be as respectful as possible, even though it's impossible. I've asked myself what the right thing to do was so many times and the only conclusion is that there is none. I could have chosen to stay with you, but then what?"
"Then we could have tried again. You could have chosen not to tell me. I don't need to know this, Jennie. You and… Lisa. No. I'm telling you now that I will never accept this. Have you thought about what this is going to do to Mom? Has Lisa? You were right about her in the end. She is a selfish brat who only takes her own feelings into consideration."
"Mary knows. She caught us and we had to tell her."
His eyes go wide. "Mom knows? No fucking way." He shakes his head. "What a fucking nightmare. I might have been gone a lot and been too self-absorbed, but to have this go on right under my nose, with everyone knowing? What's next? You and Lisa having a three-way with Nathan?" He gets up again. "I'm going out. I need to, I don't know, process the shock. I think it's better if you're not here when I get back."
"Kai, don't go. We have to talk about this more."
"About you sleeping with my sister? I don't think so. We're done." He closes his fist around the hem of his shirt. "And if you're looking for possible ways to hurt me more, there are none. How's that for the right thing to do?" He storms off. I wait until I hear his car drive off to move. I had never intended to stay at the house after telling him. I've arranged to stay with Sana, just as Lisa has made plans to stay with Niki tonight. After the bomb has been dropped.