Disclaimer: Hawaii Five-0 and its characters do not belong to me.

A/N: So thanks everyone for your reviews on the previous chapter. Really appreciate it. Anyway, so this chapter got a little dark.

Trigger Warning: Chapter includes mentions of SUICIDE IDEATION (please avoid if this is a trigger for you)

...

"Danny! Stay with me. Hang on alright. You're going to be okay." He almost doesn't believe his own words. Danny's blood was oozing out onto his lap and his hands. There was almost no way anyone could survive with that much blood outside their bodies. He cradled his partner's head as he silently prayed that they made it to the hospital in time.

Danny wheezed and painfully gargled for air. His eyebrows occasionally raised involuntarily as waves of pain shot through his body. Danny's eyes opened momentarily, much to his relief. Short-lived as it may be.

"S..te..ve... Gr..ace..Charlie.. Tell 'em.. Da..nno.. Loves.." Danny's voice was weak, his breath hitching with every syllable.

"You tell them yourself, alright. It's going to be okay.." His voice shook, the fear that it might not be possible plaguing his mind.

Danny smiled, squeezing his wrist. "Not.. your fault." Fighting for his next breath, Danny continued. "Pro..mise me.. Won't blame.. your..self.."

Steve's eyes would no longer focus on his friend as the tears blurred his vision. "I'm sorry Danno. I'm so sorry. You have to be alright."

"Lo..ve you.. part..ner." Danny choked out.

"Danny.. Don't do this to me." Steve begged. "Don't leave me."

Right at that moment something changed. Danny's eyes turned cold. Like he was no longer registering anything around him. His breathing became shallow and slow. His hands in Steve's became limp. Then all of a sudden his breathing ceased. His cerulean eyes still holding Steve's but it was now glassy.

"Danny?" Steve all but whimpered. "Danno.. Buddy?" He swallowed, searching for any trace of his friend. His hands, shaking, went up to Danny's carotid.

His fingers were met with stillness. His partner was dead. In his arms.

"Danny? Come on don't do this, buddy!" He said, his hand was on Danny's chest as he attempted to wake his friend. "Danny, Danny!"

His brother didn't stir. Danny was dead.

"Danny!"

He sat up, heaving. The breaths coming in fast as he felt his heart pounding in his chest and sweat running down his bare back. "Danno.." His partner's name came out in a whispered sob.

Danno.. you're okay, you're okay.. He repeated quietly, struggling to keep his breathing level. Danny was okay. Or at least he thinks so.

It was just a nightmare. Another one to add to the list of nightmares that had accompanied him almost every single night since he had witnessed his partner being tortured, shot and almost dying in front of him.

And although he knew that it was a nightmare, the images left a bitterness in his chest. An anxiety that couldn't be quelled.

He turned towards Catherine, heaving a relieved sigh as she remained asleep. Taking in a slow, controlled breath, he reached for his phone. He was hoping Danny would have at least replied his texts. Yet, nothing. An uneasiness rolled over in his stomach.

He grabbed his faded NAVY shirt and a pair of trackpants, hurriedly getting into them and tiptoed out of the room.

Typing in Danny's number that was fully ingrained in his head, he put the phone to his ear. "The number you have di…"

He exhaled, hanging up the call. He once again dialled Lou.

To his relief, Lou answered almost right away. "Lo.."

"Before you ask, Danny's fine.."

"Is he really, Lou?" He asked, not quite believing the tone in Lou's voice.

Lou sighed heavily, simultaneously throwing a wrench in his chest.

"Lou?"

"Look.. he's as fine as can be, alright?" Lou said.

"What are you not telling me, Lou?"

"Steve.. I'm not supposed to tell you."

"Lou! What is going on? Is Danny okay?" He struggled to breathe, almost afraid the images from his nightmare would materialize.

"Like I said, Danny is okay. Just.." He could hear his friend pacing. "There was.. a small incident today.."

"Sm.. wh..what happened?" He asked, his heart in his throat as he resisted the urge to throw up.

"Well.. he had..umm.. a panic attack today."

"Pa..nic.." Steve breathed.

"Steve..? Will you come home if I said Danny needs you?" Lou asked.

"Lou is it bad? Is.. Danny…"

"Hold your horses.. He's okay.. Just.. today was really tough on our boy.. He was forced to relive the worst possible day of his life.. Can't say that would be easy on him."

"I should have been there with him.." He said quietly.

"Does that mean you will come home?"

I can't. He remained silent. There really wasn't anything he wanted more than that. To book the next flight out and hold his family in his arms again. But he knew more than anyone that that would be a huge mistake. He had done enough damage.

"Steve, you still there?"

"Yeah.. yeah, I'm here. Just.."

"Look, I'm sorry.. I know I shouldn't pressure you. You got to do what you have to do." Lou said.

"I'm sorry, Lou."

"Steve, listen I didn't mean to make you feel bad. You're doing the right thing.. You gotta work on yourself before you can help anyone." Lou paused. "But, Steve.. just don't take too long. I don't know if.." Lou breathed, not completing his sentence.

"Lou.."

"Nothing, Steve. We'll always be waiting." Lou said. "Most of all Danny."

He swallowed the lump in his throat, unable to promise that he would be coming home soon. Or Ever.

"I.. please take care of him."

"You don't have to tell me." Lou said. "He's not just your brother, you know."

"Th..thank you, Lou."

"Come on, now. That's what family is for, right?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, try not to worry too much, okay. Take care of yourself."

"You take care too, Lou." He said. "And umm.. thanks for.. thanks for telling me."

He heard the older man sigh. "I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do. But for the love of god and all things good in this world, please, please do not tell Danny I mentioned this to you."

"Yeah..I won't.." He said, hanging up the call.

He sank on the couch, covering his face in his hands as he held back the sobs that were trying to push their way past his throat. This was his doing. Danny was struggling because of him. Still. Even when he wasn't there, Danny was still suffering because of him.

He found it hard to breathe, the walls caving in around him. He needed to get out. Anywhere. Somewhere he could hide, somewhere his past wouldn't come chasing after him. He grabbed his keys and headed out, running.

…

Steve had no idea how long he had been running, or where to. His mind constantly going back to the vivid images from his nightmare. Danny's lifeless blue eyes staring right at him. When his legs could no longer continue running, he stopped. Hands on his knees, he panted, his heart beating raucously. The silence of the wee morning was simultaneously too noisy, leaving him with the horrifying sound of gunshots and overlapping voices.

He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the sounds to just stop. Danny's ragged breathing, Grace's weeping, Daiyu Mei's menacing laughter. He needed everything to stop. Just stop!

The sound of waves crashing on the shore called out to him. He seemed to have a strange affinity with the water. Even in his incoherence, his feet had led him to the ocean. He looked at the plunging darkness ahead of him. The water was calling out to him. Maybe if he went in and kept on swimming, the sounds and voices would all cease.

And maybe… just maybe he would find the peace he was looking for.

All thoughts left him as he walked full-clothed straight into the water. He didn't register the coldness, not even as his body involuntarily shivered as the water got deeper. The voices didn't seem to fade.

So he kept on walking…

The voices repeating in his head.

"I have the person you care about most in the world…"

"Don't trust her Steve. Do not give her what she wants."

"I don't want to lose Danno, Uncle Steve.. I'm scared.."

"Condolences on your partner's death, Commander."

"You can't get rid of…"

A muted buzzing shook him out of his stupor, chasing all the voices in his head away. He shivered, horrified as he found himself thigh-deep in water.

Bz…bzzz...Bz..bzzz..Bz..

With trembling hands, he fished out his phone. Danno, the name on the screen read, Danny's and Grace's face flashing brightly in the darkness.

He swiped the answer icon with shaky fingers. "Danny?" He said, trying his hardest to hide the shiver in his voice as the coldness had completely seeped into him.

"Hey, buddy."

His knees almost buckled in relief as he heard Danny's voice. He hadn't completely believed Lou when he said Danny was fine. A niggling worry had sat at the edge of his chest as he longed to hear Danny's voice. And now that he finally did, he could feel the tension release the knot in his sternum.

"You're okay." He breathed, heaving a sigh of relief.

"Of course.. of course.. Why wouldn't I be?" Danny said. He was pretty sure he had sworn Lou to secrecy and if the old man had so much as squeaked about what happened, he was not going to let him off.

"Yeah.. no just.." Steve sighed.

"You okay, Steve?" Danny asked.

Steve remained quiet. The soft sound of rolling waves filling the silent void between them.

"Steve.." Danny called again.

"I'm still here." Steve stuttered.

"Is everything okay? Where are you? Is that water I hear?" He asked as he attempted to guess where on this earth his partner could be.

Steve hummed, not answering his question. "I jju..st.." He sniffled. "Missed you.."

"No one's stopping you from coming home, you know." Danny said, a twinge of hope in his chest.

Again the silence. And then, a quiet answer. "I can't.."

Why can't you? Danny wanted to ask.

"Danny.."

"Hmm?"

"Can we switch to video? I..I..need to..see you." Steve said. I need to see that you're really okay.

Danny tried his best to ignore the uncharacteristic fragility in his partner's voice. "Hang on." He said as he hurriedly fixed his hair and switched the call.

Steve sucked in a breath as Danny's face filled his screen. "Danny is fine.. Danny's okay.. Don't worry.." A load of crap that was.

"Steve, why can't I see you?" Danny asked, confused.

He watched as Danny scratched his forehead. The sunken eyes on his partner's face were enough proof of the sleepless nights he had had. Danny's cheekbones were more pronounced than he ever remembered, and his lips were pale. Even Danny's vibrant blue eyes seemed to have dulled, the trauma ageing him more than necessary.

This was all your doing, Steve.

"I'm sorry, Danno." Was all Steve could manage. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest.

"It's fine.. I think you just need to turn your camera on.." Danny said, thinking the apology was for the black screen he was currently seeing.

Steve's voice broke. "I'm sorry for everything.."

"Ste..ve what are you talking about?" Danny asked, a sense of uneasiness crept into his chest. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I.. I'm sorry for what you had to go through.. being my partner.. with Daiyu.."

"Steve, come on, what brought this on, huh?" Danny's brows stitched together in concern, he had an inkling Lou hadn't been as tight-lipped as he had hoped. "I'm fine, really. Let's not.."

"Please, Danny. Listen.. I need to.. I.." Steve stuttered. "Forgive me.."

"Steve, there's nothing to forgive. I.."

"I'm sorry I'm not there with you. I'm sorry I left.." Steve said, a choked sob escaping his throat as he dropped to his knees in the water despite the terrorising chill.

"Hey.. Steve. Buddy? You're really worrying me right now. Will you turn on your camera? Let me see you."

As though Steve hadn't heard him, Steve continued. "I'm so sorry.. I.. I never, I don't... I'm really sorry." His voice was so quiet that Danny had to strain to hear it even in the silence of the night.

"Steve, listen, it's okay.. it's okay.." Danny said, his heart beating fast as what Tani had termed his McGarrett-senses began tingling. "Steve? You still there?"

Danny waited as Steve's sob was the only thing that filled the void between them. It relieved him that he could still hear Steve's voice but it didn't help that Steve was actually having a breakdown and he had no idea where his partner was.

"I'm really tired, Danno.. I just want everything to stop.." He squeezed his eyes shut. "No matter how hard I try.. I can't seem to find it."

"Find wh.." Danny stopped mid-sentence, knowing the answer.

Peace.

Danny sucked in a shuddering breath. "St..steve.. It's okay.. everything is fine, Steve. You're okay… I..is Catherine around? She with you?" Danny asked, hoping to god she was because the alternative that Steve was alone right now scared him to no end.

"No.. Sh.. she's not here." Steve said.

Danny exhaled. "Steve.. did she leave?" He asked hesitantly.

"No, it's not that.. I'm outside." Steve said, voice hoarse from crying. "Danny.. don't worry about me." He mumbled.

"How do you want me to not worry, Steve McGarrett?" Danny asked in a soft chiding tone. "You are god knows where in the middle of.. TIMBUKTU for all I know. And you are crying on the phone when the last time you cried was probably what, forty years ago? And I have no idea what's wrong and.. if you're safe.."

"I'm safe." Steve said.

"Steve, please.." Danny started.

"I'm sorry, Danny. You shouldn't be worrying about me.. I'm sor.."

"Stop apologising, Steve. That is not important right now." Danny said.

"It is to me." Steve said. "It is important to me, Danny."

He had no idea why he was so afraid. So afraid that Steve would do something stupid. The Steve he knew would never. But he wasn't sure he this was the same Steve knew.

"Listen. You want me to forgive you?" Danny asked.

"Y…yes."

"Okay. Then I want you to continue talking to me on the phone and head home. Right now. I'm not forgiving you just yet. Not until I know you're safe with Catherine."

"Danny, I promise you. I'm okay, I won't do anything th.."

"I don't care. Just do as I say." Danny said.

"I will. You don't have to stay on the phone." Steve said, remaining still in the frigid water.

"Which part of my words do you not understand?! I'm not cutting this call till I hear Catherine's voice saying you're physically unharmed." Danny said.

"It's a long walk back."

"I've got nothing but time."

"Danny, you don't have to worry about me.."

"Steve! Stop, stop, okay? Please, please just." Danny begged, his chest hurting and he wasn't sure why. "I need to know you're okay. Please, buddy... Do this for me."

Steve winced, feeling even more guilt if that was even possible. "I'm going." He finally moved, standing up shakily and waddling his way back to shore, shivering as the ocean breeze shook his core.

He walked for almost 2 hours, Danny accompanying him every second of it. He mostly walked in silence, tears running down his cheeks as his partner rattled on about the most mundane of things. He had missed this, his partner's endless speech. Their calls had always been short, as though they had run out of things to talk about. But here Danny was, talking like his life depended on it, his face contorted in a million different expressions and his functional hand waving around in the air. Talking about everyone on the team, about Eddie, about Grace, Charlie. But barely anything about himself. He could hear the spring in Danny's voice when he mentioned his kids. His heart did a flip in his chest, leaving an uncomfortable tightness.

He knew what that tightness was, it was the regret that ate him up every second of every day. The insurmountable regret that he had had to abandon this. This man who was so desperately trying to make sure he was okay. The man whom he knew was not okay himself. The man who always did care about him more than he deserved...

"Danny.. I.. I'm home." He said, the word leaving a bitter aftertaste on his tongue. This wasn't his 'home'. It was just a shelter for him. For the first time, he understood why Danny had taken as long as he did to consider Hawaii home.

"Are you inside?" Danny asked.

"Danno. I'm really okay." Steve assured.

"I take that as a no." Danny said.

"Okay. Okay, I'm going in." He unlocked the door and entered the house.

"Steve?!" Danny could hear Catherine's voice. "Oh thank god, you're back. I woke up and realised you weren't around.. And you weren't answering your phone. Had me worried. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay." Steve said.

"Are you on the phone with someone?" Catherine asked.

"It.. It's Danny." Steve said.

"Is everything okay?" Catherine said.

"Steve, I'll hang up now. You're really okay, right?" Danny asked.

"I am." Steve said.

"All right, take care, Steve. And remember this.. I don't need to forgive you for anything. No matter where you are, I'm always here for you, you hear me? Always." Danny said.

"I know... Danno?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you." Steve said.

"What for?" Danny asked.

For saving my life.. Once again.. When all I ever did was put yours in danger. "Just.. everything."

…

A/N: Hey everyone, if you got to the end of this chapter, hope you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for reading. I know nothing much happens in this chapter but I just thought we needed to see how Steve is really doing after the previous chapters had focussed mainly on Danny. As you can see.. he is not doing well at all, completely lost in his thoughts. Although I included the TW at the start of the chapter, I would say that Steve did not purposefully intend to harm himself. How he ended up in the water was more of an unconscious action as a result of his occupied mind. That is just the way I see it. Hope you guys can connect with the way I wrote this chapter but any feedback is welcome. Do let me know in the reviews! Once again, thanks for reading and take care everyone!