Disclaimer: Hawaii Five-0 and its characters do not belong to me.
…
"For those returning home, ho'okipa i ka home."
The wheels gently touched the tarmac, sending a shudder throughout the whole aircraft. Steve looked out the window, hands gripping the armrest tensely. The cabin filled with relieved chatter and the sounds of passengers impatiently unbuckling their seatbelts and retrieving their luggage even before the plane came to a complete halt. But he sat in his seat, unmoving. He breathed, swallowing the gnawing ache of uncertainty pulsating in his stomach.
He had sworn not to step foot back on the island again as long as the people he loved were still here. He had vowed to himself that no matter what happened, no matter how much he yearned, he would never come near the people he loved again. He would never cause them hurt again. He would never cause Danny to get hurt again.
Yet, here he was. Not two months since he packed his bags and left with the oath never to return again, he was back on the island that never could let him go. He had to come home. Danny needed him.. he had to see his partner.
The dark thoughts kept clouding his mind. Daiyu Mei's threats imminent in his ears. "I have the person you care most in the world. Do as I say or he'll die."
Beads of sweat lined his forehead as he squeezed his eyes in an attempt to quell the fear gripping his chest.
Was this the right thing to do? Should I be here?
Was he going to end up hurting his partner even more? Was he making a huge mistake yet again? As long as he was near Danny, he was only going to bring harm to his partner… He would regret this decision, he knew it with every cell in his head.
But.. I need to see Danny..The irrational, undeterred stubbornness insisted. I need to see my partner. I need to make sure Danny is okay.. Danny needs me…
You're being selfish, Steve. Danny can't get hurt because of you again. He might not make it the next time. You can't be the reason he dies...
"Excuse me, sir.. Is anything the problem?"
He looked up to his right, a young, beautiful stewardess looked at him with wide eyes as she had been seemingly trying to get his attention for a while. He looked around him, the cabin was empty. He stood up and apologized as he hurriedly grabbed his duffel bag from the overhead compartment and walked down the isle.
I don't know if this is the right thing to do.. But I'll see Danny.. I'll make sure he's okay. That's it. And then I'm gone. That's all I need. Just to make sure he's okay. Danny, you have to be okay. I won't be the reason he gets hurt ever again. I just need to see him once.
He slithered through the bustling airport. Cheerful reunion all around him accentuated the grief he felt in his chest. This place that was once home for him. He never thought the day would come that he felt like a foreigner in his own home. He almost felt like he was on a forbidden land. He shouldn't be here. He should never have come home. Briefly, the thought of running away entered his mind. He could easily book another flight out, fled like he had done several weeks ago.
It's not too late to turn back now. You don't want to hurt Danny.
He stopped in his tracks, unable to move as the thought paralyzed him. What was he supposed to do? Could he be selfish just this once? But what if that selfishness costed him Danny's life? Would it be worth it?
A few minutes.. A few minutes is all I need… I'll see him and then I'll disappear. Just a few minutes…
…
Lou leaned back on the chair, his head resting heavily on the backrest. He was tired. Genuinely and sincerely exhausted from the hits that kept coming. He looked at his colleague who was still unconscious. He had failed Danny, the thought kept punching him in the gut with each beep of the heart rate machine.
Danny had been there for him whenever he needed. Danny was always there for any one of them whenever they needed. Kono, Chin, him, Adam, Steve... Every single one of them had hit rock bottom at one point in their lives and they've always had their Ohana.. Always had Danny. Danny never failed to turn up for his friends. Yet now, when it was Danny who was struggling, it seemed like no one was there for him. He should have been there for Danny…
But he had failed his friend. He definitely had… Because otherwise, Danny wouldn't be lying here. Danny had deteriorated right in front of his very eyes and yet he had failed to see how much Danny needed help. Things should never have come to this. Doctor Lea's words rang in his ears. He shuddered to think what would have happened if Danny had indeed been alone in his house. If Tani hadn't been there…
Why had he believed Danny's words when he said he was fine? He heaved as he looked at his friend.
Against all odds, the surgery had gone well, Doctor Lea had said. That was really the small glimmer of comfort he could hang on to. Because even if he lied to himself, Danny didn't look the least bit okay. There was a long, probably arduous road of recovery ahead for him, but Danny was going to be okay. At least physically. He would live. Apparently, his heart could still function without the pericardium or whatever the doctor removed.
But.. he knew there was nothing that would heal Danny's broken heart.
Not unless Steve returned. Not until Steve was here with him.
He took his phone out, dialling Steve's number again. He wasn't quite surprised when the call once again went to voicemail.
He sighed. How things had come to this juncture almost overnight, he had no idea. Steve leaving had come out of nowhere. And he knew Steve was struggling as much, if not more than Danny. The lonesome exile that Steve had inflicted upon himself, estranging himself from his Ohana was unnecessary if not stupid.
Steve needed his support system back home. The one and only Danny Williams. Steve needed his Danno. As much as Danny needed him. He just wished Steve came to that realisation soon.
He stood up with a soft groan, his back retorting from sitting in the uncomfortable chair for almost 5 hours since Danny was out of surgery. He had shooed Tani, Junior and Adam away. Besides, only one person was allowed to stay the night. And he had failed Danny once, he wouldn't make the same mistake again.
"Hey Danny.. I'll be right back, okay? This old man needs his coffee. You be good, you hear me?" He said gently, lightly squeezing Danny's arm as he remained unaware to the world.
…
He walked down the eerily silent corridor of Queen's Medical that were way too familiar for his own good. Weary steps led him to the cardiac unit. He couldn't repress the anxious bile rising in his throat.
His body shivering slightly in the tense, frigid air, he approached the nurse's station. "Danny..Williams." He said, the words stuck in his throat. "I'm his part.." He hesitated. "I should be listed as his NOK, Steve McGarrett. Where is he?" He asked.
Cardiology Intensive Care Unit.
His heart spasmed as he read the words written in huge red lettering. Nausea rolled in his gut.
You did this,the voice in his head supplied.
The nurse led him into the ICU, and they walked past several glass-walled rooms. His eyes searched for his partner. The nurse stopped in front of a room. He looked inside and his heart jerked to a stop.
Danno.
He knew it was his Danno, yet he refused to believe it. He could hardly breathe. He had done this to his partner. Again.
He pressed the button at the side of the glass doors and entered the room, a cacophony of machines beeping greeted him. He took a few steps towards his partner. Almost afraid to get too close.
"Danny.." He whimpered, stepping closer till he was right next to his partner.
The tears he had thus far managed to bury unleashed itself as he scanned his partner.
Danny looked smaller than he already was if that was even possible. He knew his partner had lost some weight, their video calls had informed him that much. But, watching Danny on video versus seeing him in real life proved to be two very different things altogether. Danny was too...fragile.
You did this.
His fingers gently grazed over Danny's hollowed cheeks, skin too cool for his liking. His face was pale, devoid of any colour. Prominent lines decorated his forehead, lines that hadn't been there 6 weeks ago. And his hair was hanging messily over his forehead, completely unlikely of the man he knew.
You hurt him. Again.
He swallowed the lump in his throat as his eyes shifted to Danny's bruised chest, exposed due to the drain fitted just slightly to the left of his sternum. The month-old gunshot wound right above it was still too fresh, reddened skin stark against Danny's otherwise pale complexion. A large bandage covered half his chest where the recent surgery must have left its mark. Danny's chest rose and fell slowly, providing him the only comfort that his partner was still alive.
How do you look worse now than when I left? This was not supposed to happen, buddy. This was not the deal. You lied to me… You said you were fine… You wouldn't be here if you were fine.
"Danno," he whispered. "I'm sorry, buddy. I hurt you again." His voice thin with emotions.
Lou had texted him everything. He knew that his partner had suffered yet again because of him. The gunshot wound was the cause of all this. Danny's heart had almost shut down. Danny could have died today. Again. And it was all thanks to him. Again. Even when he wasn't by Danny's side, he didn't seem to be able to stop hurting Danny.
He sank down on the chair next to his partner. He clutched his partner's hand, not unlike over a month ago, wiling Danny to be okay. The prayers that he had said that day resurfaced in his head.
Not him, you take me. Take me.
He hardly ever prayed. The first time he ever did pray was when he was a kid. When his mother had died, he prayed and prayed that it was all just a dream. That his mother was alive and that she would come home. Growing up, he had believed the prayer was never answered and he had stopped praying in his teenage years. It wasn't until Doris resurfaced that he thought maybe, just maybe there was someone listening out there.
The next time he ever did pray was when he received Danny's liver. He had asked for just one thing then. That he would never lose his friend, Danny, who had risked everything just to save his life.
And the last time he had prayed was again for his partner. When Danny had almost died because of him.
Not him, you take me.
That was his prayer. Take his life and spare Danny's. To stop hurting his partner. He had no idea what enmity God had with him. Every single person he loved were taken away from him, one after the other, making his life a living hell. Still, he begged. For just one thing. Spare Danny and take him instead. That was it and he would never ask for anything else.
But here he was again. Danny was in the ICU again. Even if Lou had said that Danny was going to be okay, how could he believe his words?
"Not him.. please.. not him.." He murmured, head hanging low. "You take me, not him.." The tears wouldn't stop. Even if he didn't much believe in the greater power any longer, he didn't have a choice did he? He couldn't lose Danny. "I can't lose him, please. Please, don't take him."
"Ste..ve?" A soft uncertain whisper, the voice was like music to his ears.
He swallowed, letting go of the hand that he held tightly.
"Steve.. You're here.." Danny slurred dopily. "You came back." The blissful smile on Danny's face simultaneously brought a smile on Steve's face while wringing his heart painfully in his chest.
"Hey.." He croaked drily.
"You're really here, right?" Danny asked, his brows furrowed in uncertainty as he reached for his hand that was resting awkwardly on the side of the bed.
He swallowed, unable to answer.
Danny's hand wrapped around his, "You are here.." He smiled again, blinking drowsily as he fought the remnants of sedation in his system.
"I ha..d." He stuttered, unable to bury the deep ache in his chest. "Had to come back.. To make sure you're okay."
"Glad you're home.." Danny squeezed his hand, shutting his eyes momentarily.
He pulled his hand away, maybe it was best he left now. Before he gave Danny any hope that he was staying for good. Maybe it was better to let Danny think this was his drug-addled brain playing tricks on him.
Danny's hold on his arm tightened. "We missed you…" He slurred, a tear escaping his shut eye. "No one more than me, though. Can't believe I'd ever say this. But I missed you so much." He said feebly, his words peppered with laboured breathing.
"Me, too, Danno." He said quietly. "I missed you too, buddy."
Danny opened his eyes, the blue orbs staring right into his eyes. "You should have come home then.." Danny said simply. "What took you so long?"
I wish I could..Except, things weren't that simple. Things were never that simple. And he could never come home.
He nodded silently, unable to break his partner's heart with the truth.
"Are you okay?" Danny asked, forehead scrunched and voice filled with concern. "You look like crap.." Danny raised his arm weakly as he reached for his face. "You've lost weight, haven't you?"
Danny turned, his hand reaching for something, frowning when he couldn't find what he was looking for. Steve immediately placed a hand on Danny's shoulder, preventing him from moving and risking any more injury or displacing the drain in his chest.
"Hey, you shouldn't be moving too much. You just got out of surgery, remember? What do you need, buddy?" Steve asked.
"Wh..ere's my jello?" Danny said. "Red one's the best one. You should have it. Lost too much weight.."
He swallowed, not fathoming Danny's worry when he was the one lying in the ICU after yet another fight for his life.
Danny looked at him undeterred. "Ask the nurse.. You need to eat.."
He smiled fondly at his friend. He held Danny's hand in his, fighting tears. "I'm fine.." He said. "Guess I just..missed your cooking more than I realized."
"Yeah? M'better cook than Cath, huh?" Danny smiled smugly, his eyelids drooping dazedly. "Wait till I get out of here. Anything you want, I'll get it done. Just tell…" Danny stopped mid-sentence. "Ste..ve?"
"Hmm?" Steve looked at his partner, whose eyes were suddenly wide as though in a moment of lucidity.
"You're staying, right?" Danny asked. "You'll… stay? Stay with me?"
He licked his lips, feeling the roughness of his chapped skin as he struggled to find the right words.
Danny released the hold on his hand, turning his head away although it did little to hide the tears that slid down his cheeks.
Maybe he never should have come. Here he was, breaking Danny's heart again.
"Don't go." Danny's eyes begged at him.
His eyes never averted Danny's face. I don't want to.But I need to. "I'm sorry, Danno.."
Danny didn't respond, closing his eyes in slow defeat. Both against the drugs pumped in his veins and Steve.
Gently, his hand glided across Danny's forehead and brushed his blonde locks back. "I just needed to know you're okay. I can't stay here, Danny."
"Why not?" He garbled.
Steve inhaled deeply. What could he say? "I'm sorry, Danno. I love you, you know that, right?"
Danny's breathing slowed down. "Love you too.."
He took Danny's hand in his once again, not wanting to let go but needing to. He quietly stood up and adjusted the thin blanket to fully cover Danny's legs and torso. He took one long look at his partner and let go of Danny's hand as he exhaled dejectedly.
Take care of yourself, buddy. I'm really sorry.
"Promise you'll take care of yourself." Danny muttered softly with his eyes still closed.
He didn't answer, I love you, buddy. You'll have to be okay. For me, please…
"I'll be okay... don't worr…" Danny doesn't finish his sentence, his features relaxing as he fell into deep oblivion.
His body shook as silenced sobs escaped his chest.
I will always worry about you. Always, my friend.
He didn't turn back as he headed for the door. Because he knew. He knew if he were to sneak one more glance at his partner, he wouldn't be able to leave. But he needed to leave. This was enough for him. Knowing Danny was okay had to be enough for him.
…
A/N: Hi guys! Thank you once again for sticking around to this story and for all your reviews, faves and follows. I know a lot of yall have been waiting for Steve to come home and I hope I didn't completely botch this reunion chapter.. I'm gonna hide in a corner for a bit. Please let me know what you think! Hope to see you in the next one :)