Disclaimer: Hawaii Five-0 and its characters do not belong to me.
...
Lou gulped the rest of his stale coffee and got up with a soft groan. He inhaled deeply, his head spinning from the stress and anxiety of the day. But he needed to stay strong for his friend. Because the man who really needed to be there for Danny was god knows where on this beautiful earth. He chucked the emptied cup into the bin and headed over back to the cardiac ICU.
The silence that was only broken by soft whirring of life saving machines sent goosebumps over his skin. He walked past the other rooms, with patients that looked very near the end of their lives, with their loved ones rooted next to them. Silently he sent a prayer, thanking whoever might be listening that Danny had pulled through the surgery and had a good chance of recovering. Because otherwise, he had no idea how to face Danny's daughter ever again. And Steve.. how could he ever face Steve when he had promised that he would look out for Danny. How would he...
He stopped in his tracks. He wasn't sure if he was hallucinating due to the overdose of caffeine. But the man standing in front of Danny's room... He could only see his back, hunched almost defeatedly. But that was undoubtedly Steve. He knew. He knew Steve would return home. He knew Steve wouldn't be able to stay away from Danny. He just knew.
"Steve! You're here." Was all he could say.
Incriminating tears stained Steve's tired face. He reached out for the shorter man and hugged him. It felt good. Things were going to be okay now. Now that Steve was back, everything would return to normal. Danny, too, was going to be okay. Because no matter whether they believed it or not, Steve and Danny just need each other. Everything else would work out.
But in an instant, his hopes were shattered.
"I've seen him..I need to go." Steve said. "I need to go."
"You're leaving?" Lou asked, unable to hide his disappointment. How could he leave... Danny was right there, lying in ICU. And Steve was leaving before Danny could even see him. It didn't make any sense. Was Danny right? Did Steve not care if he lived or died? But that made even less sense. Steve wouldn't be here if he didn't care.
"Seriously, Steve? Do you really think this is right?" He asked pointedly as Steve walked away from him. "Then go..but if you leave this time, then you would have really lost Danny. And I'm not sure there's any coming back from that. You're okay with that?"
Never in a million years did he expect what happened next. Right in front of his eyes, Steve crumbled. Like something had finally snapped inside him, Steve could barely stand without supporting himself on the handrail. He rushed over to his colleague, holding Steve steady.
"Then what should I do? What the hell should I do, Lou? Because if I stay, I will still lose him... I will lose him anyway."
He stood frozen as Steve repeated those words. "I will lose him...I don't want to lose him, Lou. I can't lose him.."
Lou swayed unsteadily as Steve's legs buckled and he was forced to bear Steve's full weight. Gently he lowered Steve to the ground. "Steve.. buddy? You okay?"
Steve looked at him hazily and nodded. "I'm okay.. I'm always okay..." He breathed. "Dan..Danno is not..."
Lou sat down next to his friend though he knew his arthritic knee would retaliate at some point. "Hey, Steve.. Danny's going to be okay.. he's going to be fine."
"I keep hearing that.." Steve said. "But look where he is now..and it's all.. It's all thanks to me."
"Steve.. that's not true.." Lou said. "This isn't your fault."
"Really? Because.. last I remember.. he was shot in the chest because of me.. and this.. this happened because of that. His heart can no longer take it.. He could have died again, Lou. Because of me..." Steve breathed. "I keep..I keep seeing him die in front of my eyes. Everyday... I can't.. I'm afraid to go to sleep at night because I'll see it again.."
"But he's alive.. he's fighting.. He's always fought to stay alive.." Lou said.
"He shouldn't have to...why does he have to keep fighting for his life?" Steve asked. "It's all because of me.. everyone.. everyone that I care about.. they've all only suffered because of me... I killed them." He choked. "I can't..can't let Danny be next."
"Steve.. that's not going to happen.. whatever happened.. it was beyond our control. Beyond your control." Lou said. "And Danny never blamed you for what happened.. He.."
"Well, he should!" Steve retorted. "He should.. He's always been right.. I'm going to get him killed if I stay anywhere near him. And I can't..I can't let that happen."
"Steve, I respect you..a lot. But right now, you're not making any sense. You have no idea how.."
"It doesn't matter Lou. None of this makes sense. Danny should not be the one lying there right now. Daiyu Mei should have come after me. That should have been the end of it. But you saw for yourself what happened. None of that made sense. But it happened. I can't take the chance, Lou." Steve inhaled shakily. "I love him. I cannot lose my brother the way I lost my father. I cannot let it happen again."
"But Danny is suffering with or without you by his side."
"At least he's still alive, Lou.. at least he's still breathing." Steve said. "But if I stay by his side..."
"He needs you, Steve. I've seen how he is when you left. You hurt him when you left. He needs you..." Lou said. "And I know that you need him too."
"You're right.. I need him. But he doesn't need me.. He'll be okay only if I'm not here." Steve said.
"Ste.."
"Lou, please.." Steve stopped him. "Don't tell him I was here.. I don't want to hurt him further. I don't want to hurt him."
"So what now? You're just going to leave again?" Lou asked.
Steve looked at the older man. He didn't have the answer either. He had to leave but his heart refused to budge. "I don't have a choice.. do I?"
...
"Ste..ste..no.. stay.. don't… Steve don't.. go.." He muttered softly. He tried to reach for his friend's hand which was strangely just out of his reach. Steve was right here, next to him.. Why couldn't he reach his partner... Why was Steve fading away in front of his very eyes?
What was happening? Steve had been right in front of him. Where had he gone? He flailed aimlessly, searching for his partner. He swore Steve had been right there. He could still feel Steve's rough hands clutching his arm ever so firmly. He could still feel the ghosts of Steve's calloused fingertips that had dared to trace a path on his forehead. He could still feel Steve's voice vibrating in the air. He could still detect the faint fragrance of musk over the strong scent of antiseptic.
Steve was here. He was sure.
"Ste.." His eyelids fluttered.
A warm hand clasped his arm, and in an instant he knew... Steve was gone, the touch was foreign unlike Steve's. "Hey.. Danny.." The voice gently soothed but it wasn't the voice he needed or longed to hear.
"Don't go.." He repeated, though he knew it was too late. Way too late. "Stay with me." He said even if Steve was long gone.
"Danny, you with me?"
He opened his eyes though he would much rather have them remain closed. If he remained asleep, maybe Steve would stay a little longer in his dreams.
"There you are."
He searched for the face he needed to see. The face that wasn't there and probably never would be again. He swallowed the emptiness in his chest. Steve wasn't here. Had it been just a dream? It had to be… Steve didn't leave again. He never did return. Why would he? Steve had said it himself. There was nothing left here in Hawaii for him.
He was nothing to Steve. Steve wouldn't come home for him.
Why did I for even 1 second think he would be home...
"Really took your time, huh? Been here waiting for you for 2 days now. How are you feeling?"
He looked blearily at the concerned face staring down at him. He swallowed drily, his throat burning.
"Ste..was Steve..." He began hoarsely. Was Steve here... He knew it didn't make sense. He knew that Steve could not have been here. He knew that he was hoping for too much. Yet, he couldn't stop hoping. It had felt too real.
Lou cleared his throat, avoiding his eyes almost guiltily. "Steve... h..he called. He's really worried about you."
He swallowed, struggling to keep the tears away. Steve called... He had been right.. Steve wouldn't come home just because he...well almost died again.
It had been a dream…
Just a dream… As it had always been…
Steve wasn't here. Steve wasn't holding his hand in his like he had hoped for. Steve hadn't come home to him. He was all alone. Well, not exactly, since Lou was there with him. But an aching emptiness resonated in his chest. An emptiness that mocked him endlessly, telling him he was meant to be alone.
He had taken all those times for granted. All those times he had woken up on the hospital bed with Steve by his side. Every single time that he was hurt, Steve was there next to him, patiently waiting for him to wake up. When he almost died after being exposed to sarin, when he was stabbed by Melissa's deranged ex, when he was shot in the chest, and when he was again almost killed by Daiyu Mei's goons…. Steve was always there.
But not this time…This time, he was all alone. He had thought Steve would always be there next to him. Even if no one else was there, his best friend, his brother would always be there. But he had been wrong. So very wrong...
His tears flowed.
"Danny, hey, you feeling okay?" Lou asked again. "Let me get the doctor."
He shook his head slightly, forcing a small smile on his lips. "M'kay..don't worry." He was okay. He was alive at the very least. He had to be okay.
"I think I'm done taking your word for it." Lou said. "I need to let the nurse know you're finally awake anyway." He continued as he reached for the call button.
"I'm really okay. They must have me on the good stuff." He said. "Surgery went okay?" He asked.
Lou inhaled slowly. "Yeah.. yeah.. you're okay now.."
"Something you're not telling me?" He asked.
Lou looked at him wearily. "You scared the hell out of me, buddy. I'm too old for all this now, you know. For a second there, I thought.." For some reason, Lou's eyes glistened. "I thought I was going to lose another of my brother." Lou sniffed, failing to hide his tears.
"I'm still alive." He said, inhaling slowly.
"Yeah.. yeah.." Lou cleared his throat.
"Is eve..rything okay?" He asked.
"Why didn't you tell us?"
"Lou.."
"No, let me, Danny." Lou said. "You've been in pain for a while. You've been skipping your appointments.. Do you have any idea how serious this is? You could have died. Do you have any idea what it would have done to all of us if anything happened to you? What it would have done to your family.. To Grace and Charlie? To.. Steve? Did you even think about us? About them? We're a family, right? So why.. why couldn't you trust us, buddy? Why couldn't you trust me?"
"It's not that, Lou.."
"Then what is it? What's stopping you from relying on us?"
"I.." I had relied on Steve. Maybe a little too much. Maybe that was what had driven Steve away.. And now..now I am lost without my partner. How can I rely on anyone else now? "I didn't want to.. burden you guys any more."
"Danny, you're never a burden." Lou said. "You guys took me in when I was down and out.. Made me feel part of the team.. the family, right from the beginning. You and Steve.. you guys are my brothers. How can you ever be a burden? Unless.. you don't think of me the same way."
"You know that's not it."
"Then what is it? Ever since Steve left.. it's like you've been trying to push yourself away from us..."
He looked at his colleague, "I'm afraid, Lou." He swallowed. "I'm afraid that I'll drive everyone away. Just like I did Steve."
"Danny, that's not true.." Lou voiced. "Ste..ve.. Danny.. he was.."
He never heard what Lou had meant to say as the door opened and a nurse entered.
"He's uhh.. he's awake." Lou said.
"How are you feeling, Detective Williams? Any pain in your chest" The nurse asked as she walked over to his side and looked at his vitals briefly.
"No.. no pain.. M'okay." He said.
"Alright, your vitals are looking good. I will let Doctor Lea know that you're awake. She'll be by to check on you soon." She said before leaving.
He breathed in. "You were saying.. Steve.."
"No, it's nothing. You rest first, alright? I.. I will let the rest know you're awake. Everyone's been really worried."
"M'sorry.. and uhh.. thanks, Lou."
"If you really want to thank me, just get back on your feet asap, you hear me?"
He nodded.
…
A/N: Well-overdue chapter, I know and I'm sorry for making you guys wait so long. I'm not even sure this is any good.. but i hope at least some of y'all enjoy it..