Disclaimer: Hawaii Five-0 and its characters do not belong to me.
…
One month later…
The bright rays of sunlight filtered through the windows, temporarily blinding him as he stood in front of the mirror. He sighed deeply as he tucked in the crisp blue shirt into his beige pants. It almost felt surreal. He had almost not believed that this day would ever come again. After almost half a year, he was finally going back to work.
He smoothed the stray strand of hair that popped out jarringly on his increasingly sparse head of hair and inhaled the warm, humid air. It was going to be different; he had no doubts. Without his partner. Without Steve.
It's going to be okay.
He couldn't quite bring himself to believe his own words. Nothing had been okay. Not since Steve left. The ever-present hole that Steve had left in his chest would never be filled. He would never be whole again no matter how hard he tried.
It's going to be okay.
He had to repeat those words as he looked at himself in the mirror. The tears that he had somehow stowed away for almost a month now threatened to make an unwelcome appearance.
Swallowing his emotions and refusing to crumble, he walked over to the locked chest drawer. He unlocked it, retrieving his gun and badge. His fingers trembled ever so slightly as they traced over the scratched words 'Five-0 Task Force' on the badge. Was he really ready to return? Was he ready to walk down those corridors that held countless memories of Steve?
He inhaled deeply as he clipped the badge to his pants and placed the gun in his holster.
You're ready, Danny. He breathed.
…
No.
He wasn't ready.
His heart ached as he pulled into the parking lot. Steve's exasperated voice echoed in his head, pummeling his chest with endless agony. The ghosts of their conversations haunted him. Why had he taken all those carpool rides for granted? He would give anything now to have Steve snatch the keys from his hands and drive his car. Anything…
But those moments were gone forever now, he told himself.
It's all gone now…
He turned off the engine and stared at the building in front of him. His heart leapt in his chest, beating violently against his ribs.
Steve…
Steve was standing in front of the car, two cups of coffee and a bag of malasadas from Liliha's bakery in his hands. A goofy grin on his face.
He couldn't believe it. There was no way Steve would be here. He swallowed, blinking his eyes in disbelief. And true enough, in an instant, his partner vanished. Where Steve had been standing just moments ago was nothing but emptiness. Not unlike the void in his chest.
He drew in a shaky breath and rested his forehead on the steering wheel.
Steve…
His one-month streak was broken. The tears fell almost seemingly endlessly, staining his pristine beige pants as they landed silently.
It's not okay…
It's never going to be okay…
He was never going to be okay. The ghosts of his partner would forever haunt him. No matter how much he tried, no matter how much he steeled himself… The pain never seemed to subside. And when it hit, it always hit him with the force of a freight train, leaving his heart bruised and battered.
It was never going to be okay.
"Danny.." A loud knock on his window startled him.
He swallowed, hurriedly wiping the tears that had messed up his face. With trembling fingers he rolled down the window. "Hey." He breathed. He forced a smile on his face but there was no fooling anyone. Not with his nasally voice and watery eyes.
"You alright?" Adam asked knowingly, his eyes wrinkled sympathetically.
"I'm good." He breathed. "Glad I ran into you here. Been a while… Let's head up." Danny said as he got out of the car.
Adam pursed his lips and, lucky for him, chose not to pursue the elephant in the room. "Yeah.. It's good to have you back, buddy."
"S'good to be back." He lied.
He was at the very least thankful that he didn't have to walk through the halls on his own. He wasn't quite sure he would have made it. As it was, with Adam's silent company, it took everything in him to not crumble onto the ground as he walked through the familiar halls. The memories assaulted him without restrain, battering him incessantly. The scent of oak that had always been comforting for some reason today, filled him with an anxious longing in his chest.
He clutched the railing on the elevator tightly as he wasn't sure his knees would hold up as they made their way up to the office. He breathed, desperately trying to calm his raging emotions.
"You okay?" Adam asked, a hand gripping his shoulder.
He swallowed, nodding wordlessly. He couldn't trust himself to speak.
"I'm right here for you. Anytime."
Again he nodded.
The lift dinged and they reached their floor. He stood frozen.
"Hey." Steve smiled, a hand resting on the side of the lift frame as he leaned casually on the wall. "There you are. Just got a call from Duke, we caught a case come on.."
He breathed. "Stev.."
"Nny?… Danny?!"
Dazed, he turned towards the voice desperately trying to get his attention.
"We're here. You sure you're okay.." Adam looked at him with worry.
He licked his chapped lips, turning back to where Steve was standing a few seconds ago. I'm definitely not okay. "Yeah, I'm good.."
Adam scrunched his eyebrows. "If you're not ready.." He started.
"I'll never be ready." Danny interrupted. "It's okay, buddy.. I'm fine. I can do this..I need to do this."
"Danny.."
"Come on, don't make a big deal out of this, I'll be okay." He said as he walked ahead of the Japanese man.
Adam sighed, trailing behind him.
Danny pushed the glass door open, it felt heavier than he last remembered. As soon as he stepped in, the quiet office erupted into a loud cacophony of voices.
"WELCOME BACK, DANNY!"
He couldn't help but smile as his eyes landed on the banner Tani and Quinn were holding on either side with the words "We've missed you, Danno!" printed on it. He felt a twinge in his chest. Only Steve could call him that, yet, he didn't feel bad that the rookies had used it on the banner. Strangely, it felt like Steve was there with him. Maybe he had gone completely insane.
He shook his head as he walked towards his team. One by one, they greeted him with a warm hug. He had made the right decision, without a doubt. He couldn't have left his family in the lurch.
…
He walked to his desk. His items were neatly arranged. Everything was just as it had been. As though nothing had changed. As though time had just paused for a few months.
Yet at the same time, he knew everything had changed. He looked up, eyeing the office at the corner. The one he was supposed to take over but couldn't bring himself to. And therefore, that office would remain empty indefinitely. Maybe in some corner of his heart, he still wished it's rightful owner would return.
He settled on his chair, slightly adjusting the photo frame that held a picture of him and his two children. A neatly tied box sat inconspicuously on his desk. He smiled, it had to be a back-to-work gift from Tani. She was the only one who would do the sort of things. He picked up the box, beginning to carefully untie the ribbon when he heard a knock on his door. He set the box aside.
"Hey, you got a minute?" Lou poked his head into his office.
He nodded.
Lou entered, and sat himself on the couch in his office. "How you feeling?"
"Okay, I guess."
Lou hummed. "Finally feels like things are going back to normal around here. It's really good to have you back, Danny."
He breathed. "Hmm.." Nothing felt normal to him. The office never felt normal whenever Steve was not around.
"Just.. take it easy for a while alright?"
"I will."
"Good, good.." Lou sighed.
"What is it?" He asked, knowing that something was weighing on the old man's mind.
Lou heaved heavily. "I spoke to Steve last night.."
"Yeah?" He swallowed. "He okay?"
"He's fine… Asked about you.." Lou said. "Danny.. till when are you going to avoid him?"
He shrugged. He hadn't spoken to Steve since a month ago. As much as he longed to hear his partner's voice, he knew it would only cause him more pain. He kept hoping, he kept begging but Steve would never return. And each time, the agony that wrenched his heart was unbearable. So he had made the selfish decision to cut off contact with his best friend. Even though he was worried about his partner, he knew Steve was okay. Because Lou constantly kept him updated. And because Steve had someone next to him. He had Catherine with him. He will be okay.
"Danny.."
"I'm not avoiding, Lou.."
"So why won't you talk to him. He's worried about you."
"There's nothing left for me to say. Tell him I'm fine. There's no need to worry about me." He said.
"But Dan.."
"Lou, please.. I don't want to have this conversation."
The stars must have aligned for him as it was at that moment, Junior knocked on his door. "We've caught a case." He said.
He swallowed, it really felt like he was back now. He stood up, and walked out of his office, Lou following closely behind him.
"What have we got?" He asked, his hands folded across his chest as he looked at the screen in front of him.
…
He sighed tiredly, leaning against his chair. He really was getting too old for this. Every single joint in his body seemed to be retaliating. It hadn't even been that bad of a day. Not nearly as much action as when Steve was around. In fact, the young ones were the ones who had most of the action. Yet, he was inexplicably worn out from the day.
He inhaled slowly, and closed his eyes momentarily.
"You alright?"
He opened his eyes and somehow, Lou was already standing right in front of his desk. He cleared his throat and straightened himself. "Yeah.. Fine."
"Thought I told you to take it easy. Any injury I should know about?" Lou interrogated.
"I'm okay, Lou. No injuries. Just tired." He assured. "Been out of it too long I guess."
"Yeah, why don't you head on home. Leave the rest till tomorrow." Lou suggested.
"I'm alright. I'll just finish up some of the paperwork before I go."
"Listen to me.. Go home. The paperwork is not going anywhere. You can do it tomorrow."
"Just a.."
"Go home. Now." Lou insisted.
"Alright, alright.. I'm going okay." He acceded. Getting up with a pained groan, he shut his laptop and arranged his table neatly. His eyes landed on the box that he had left forgotten on his table. he picked it up. "Do you know if this is from Tani?" He asked as he fumbled with the ribbon.
Lou shrugged. "What's that?"
"Was on my table this morning.." He said as he walked to the door while opening the lid of the box.
His heart stopped. The box dropped out of his hands, landing with a loud thud on the ground. He swayed unsteadily, his head spinning and his knees turning weak.
"Danny!" Lou called out in alarm, grabbing his bicep to stabilize him. "You okay?"
Fear clutching him, he looked up at his colleague and then at the contents of the box that had spewed all over the ground. His breathing intensified as he shrugged out of Lou's grip and slowly bent down to pick up the photographs lying on the ground.
He could hardly breathe. His heart seized as he looked at the photos of his kids and parents. Each of the photos had been taken without their knowledge and a red cross had been drawn on each of their faces.
"Lou.." He rasped.
"Shit.. Danny.." Was all Lou said as his eyes landed on the note that was still on the ground.
It's been a while, Detective Williams. What do you say we have a little chat? You know where to find me. – Daiyu Mei
…
A/N: Oops did I just do that! Of course we're not done with Daiyu Mei (does anyone else read her name like "die, you may" in Yoda's voice or is it just me? Anyways I digress..) Thank you all who are still reading and reviewing. I appreciate it. So please let me know what you think okay...