A/N This is a reposted chapter. I had to take it down when I was altering the story before, because organizing the old from the new was a little difficult in the Doc Manager. This is mostly unaltered from it's original posted form. I made a few changes for spelling and tense. That's all. Enjoy! :)
The door closes behind her, and Azula feels suddenly exposed. She isn't sure why. She hasn't felt this way before. Maybe it was her talk with Chey, maybe it was something in the food.
All that Azula knows is that, for the first time, she wants to speak to someone about herself, about what she'd experienced. But how to do it? Should she even dare?
Anything less than perfection will not be tolerated.
Her father's words, echoed by Lo and Lee, and eventually by Azula herself.
Needing anyone is a weakness! Talking is a weakness! Look what happened at the beach with the boys, and what happened at the fire. If I hadn't decided to destroy that party, they'd have ridiculed me forever! What if that's how Mai decided she didn't fear me anymore? What if that night at the beach was what undid me?! Never again! NEVER AGAIN!
"Hello Azula. How are you this morning?" The doctor's quiet voice contrasts sharply to the raging panic in her mind.
"I'm fine." She mutters. The less she says, the better. This, she knows well. This man must report to either Iroh or Zuko about how she's doing. She can't give anything away. She never has before. They'll know nothing about her. Nothing!
"Any strange dreams recently?"
"Well, don't you get to the point quickly!" She snaps.
"I prefer to do that, yes. It often makes it easier for the patients. They know what to expect, they know how long it will take, and it's better for me, because I can help more people in the time that it would otherwise take to help one. Though, I'll gladly take whatever time is necessary."
Her heart beats faster. She feels sweaty all over. She keeps her breathe even, barely. A lesson she's learned from her Agni Kai with her brother.
"You argue rather well, for a peasant worker." She spits.
"Insults are a sign of insecurity. Would you like to discuss this? What's troubling you?" His voice is cordial.
"Daughter, what does trouble you so? Who are you? What do you want?" Mother runs a hand over Azula's shoulder. Azula feels it's ghost.
She tries to ignore Mother, to come up with another witty response to the doctor's dangerous questions.
"Azula, please, don't shut me out! I love you!" Mother states insistently. Azula grimaces.
"What's wrong, Azula? Do you hear something unpleasant?" The doctor presses.
"Let him help you, Daughter. At the very least, talk to him. It will help you to help yourself. Please! Azula, you need this! I need this!" Mother's voice grows more frantic.
"Azula, are you alright?! Should I call a nurse? You're turning green!" The doctor sounds genuinely alarmed.
Azula's heart speeds up further, her breathing is out of her control. She doesn't know what's happening to her anymore! She doesn't know how to stop it.
"Azula!" Her mother screams.
"Nurse! Come quickly!" The doctor calls out the door.
Azula hears more and more voices, their volume getting louder and louder.
She finds herself on the floor, but doesn't remember how she got there.
She's vomiting now and can't breathe at all. A hand appears on her back.
It rubs small circles.
It's gentle, but it hurts! It physically hurts and she doesn't know why.
She wrenches herself away from the hand, manages to squirm to the cool, stone corner of the room, and curls into a ball, and slowly, her breathe comes back to normal.
As her vision clears, she sees the doctor, Chey, a nurse, and Mother, all standing in a circle around her.
She feels her heart beat a bit faster, and she curls tighter into herself.
She refuses to beg for silence, she refuses to beg for help, for an explanation. She refuses to speak. Because what just happened, shouldn't have happened. She must have been possessed by a spirit!
Was she really such a monster that the spirits themselves hated her now?!
I did manage to kill the Avatar. In the Avatar State. If not for the Water Peasant, he would've stayed dead. She thinks. She decides that would be enough to make the spirits angry with her after all. The Avatar was half spirit to begin with. It would make sense.
And Azula isn't one for atonement and apologies. If they are angry, they can just keep being that way!
She can learn to resist these outbursts.
"I think it's best to stop for today." The doctor says. Chey moves to take her arm, and it's only now that
Azula realizes that the nurse had pulled her up off the floor.
Mother drifts along behind them, silent and useless. After all the trouble she's caused, she hasn't even bothered to help her daughter!
You don't love me, Mother. Not if you torture me like this and refuse to help me. She plans to have a serious discussion with Mother later. Maybe Azula can't kill a ghost, and maybe she can't scare one away either. That isn't going to stop her from trying!
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"Get away from me!" Azula hisses, when Chey moves closer to her.
"Yes, Princess." He withdraws immediately.
Azula notices that he's still looking at her in concerned sort of way.
"Well? What do you want?!" She wheels around as best she can with the straight jacket and gets in his face.
"I just want to know how to help you." He backs away a bit, and his intimidated look is satifying.
"You can't. Nobody can. And besides," She turns and continues to walk in the direction of her cell area,
"I don't need it."
"I see." He observes, as though he believes her. Azula knows he isn't fooled. She knows that she isn't.
But, it's enough to live on, for now.
"Let's go for a walk in the courtyard before going back. You look a little pale. You could probably use some sun." He suggests.
Azula balks for a moment, then reconsiders. She's been feeling her Firebending strength beginning to return. Maybe sunlight would be good. And anything was better than that padded, same color cell. Anything!
They sit on a bench by a pond in the center. Several koi and goldfish swim around, and there are some frogs sunning themselves peacefully on the rocks.
A few blessed minutes of silence pass between them. Azula begins to relax a little, eager for a break from the anguish of the cell, the voice of her mother, the images of her father and her exfriends, and Zuko. And that wonderful sunlight that she's missed so much, though she'd never admit it to anyone (other than Uncle for strategic reasons.).
The warmth of the sun seeps into her very bones, and her stomach finally begins to settle down and her chest loosens at long last. She takes a long deep breathe, then freezes at her mistake. But Chey's already started to talk, and she finds that she doesn't really want his voice to stop. It adds to the calm feeling.
"It's alright for that panic thing to happen, you know. I've seen it in many people. In children, and grown men on the battlefield. It's not a weakness." He says. He pauses, unsure if she'll lash out again.
"It's isn't a strength either." She mutters, deciding on conversing instead.
"No," He agrees softly, "It isn't. But it can happen to anyone. And no, it's not a spirit attacking you, or possessing you. It's your body telling your mind that something is deeply wrong and that it needs to stop. You've ignored or misinterpreted your troubles so much that now your body must revolt to tell you, in no uncertain terms, what's wrong."
He hesitantly reaches out a hand and places it on her back, between her shoulderblades. He doesn't move it this time, just leaves it there, putting a constant and gentle pressure.
Azula feels tears well up in her eyes, the relaxed feeling leaves her chest as it tightens again. She swallows a lump in her throat.
"What is wrong with me?" She wonders aloud. Her voice doesn't break, but it strains a little.
"I don't know, Princess. But I'm willing to help you find out. When did you first start to feel panicked?"
"Probably the moment I walked in today." She starts.
"Probably because he burned you." She thinks she hears Chey mutter darkly.
"But it didn't really begin until he asked about my dreams. I called him a peasant, and he pointed out that my insults don't work." Wait, is that what happened? Or was that something different? That didn't happen there. Somebody said that, but not him. Same difference though!
"Then you panicked?"
"No, then my mother started to talk to me again. Then, I panicked." She mutters.
"So you're still seeing your mother?"
"Of course! That woman seems bent on taunting me for the rest of my life!" She rages. A burst of orange fire flies from her palm, hitting a pillar harmlessly. Azula stares, shocked. She hadn't been able to Bend since being dragged into the cell of the Tower.
"What did she say to you? And please, try not to burn down the courtyard. They might commission a new guard if you do, and I'd really like to keep my job!"
"She always tells me how she loves me, how she wants to help me, how she cared about both me and my brother. But it's all lies! All of it! She thought that I was a monster! I heard her say so! Father told me so."
"I see." He stands up. She feels cold and empty without his hand, the same way she'd felt when Mother had disappeared into the shadows of her cell in the Tower all those weeks ago.
"Let's go back to your room, and we can talk about this further. I assume that there's a story behind this."
She stands with some difficulty (the straps of the straight jacket were starting to chafe her arms), and follows him.
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Azula stood at the door to Mother's infirmary room. Father stood behind her.
"Zuko, would you like to see your mother now?" A nurse could be heard asking down the hall.
The sound of running feet is the only sound that he got.
"Mother!" He shouted. He flew into Mother's arms, sobbing his heart out.
Mother's face cringed a little, as his arms irritated her burns, but she did nothing to dislodge him. She hugged him back as best she could.
Father laughed loudly, then turned and started down the hall, bound for the throne room for business involving some big battle coming up near Ba Sing Se.
Azula laughed a bit while Father was there, to impress him. To let him know that she would do whatever it took to please him. To let him know that she wasn't afraid, that she could do what needed to be done.
That she could enjoy suffering too.
But once Father left, and Mother and Zuko were talking amongst themselves, Azula slipped behind the door to listen in.
She wanted so badly to join them. She couldn't explain why. She was starting to hate that part of herself that wanted the soft parts of life. Even if Father weren't training her in combat and political strategy, she wondered if she'd ever understand how connection worked. It didn't make much sense to her, outside of it's strategic use.
But they clearly felt something, didn't they? It wasn't all an illusion or a game of strategy, was it? Azula supposed she'd never know.
Father would never let her. He'd be disappointed if he found out, and soft stuff was...well, soft. It would cloud her judgement and make planning out her strategy more difficult. She needed her mind more than she needed her heart. She needed ferocity more than she needed connection.
She was old enough now to realize that Father wouldn't love her, that he was using her, and that as soon as she was no longer useful, she would be discarded.
Zuko was now a serious threat.
Azula resisted the urge to burn them both to death. Father, she was sure, would not be pleased by her lack of strategy, and the hospital staff just might petition the general population to rebel until she was thrown in jail.
No, burning them would have to wait now.
She would do as Father said.
She would learn how to fight in the shadow.
She would learn to inflict wounds far deeper than skin and bone, and that would not bleed back to health.
She swore she would learn how to absolutely crush her opponents' spirits.