69) I'm Gonna Give All My Secrets Away

How in the name of the dear and fluffy lord had it come to this? Mal shook his head. All he'd wanted was some coffee. He'd damn near walked into something extremely uncomfortable. So damn uncomfortable that he'd been a little surprised Bea wasn't involved in it. That girl, between her badgering about the New Resistance and reminding him of her father and Serenity Valley, gave him such an uncomfortableness (he must be discombobulated if he was quoting Jayne) that he expected to break out in hives when she was around.

Zoë, Carolyn, River and Kaylee were sitting around the galley table, each of them enjoying a small glass of Kaylee's apple pie engine brew. Kaylee had been waxing rhapsodic about Simon's 'prettiness' and manners. "He's just so shuài," She giggled. "An' he talks so pretty you know?"

"Ain't heard anyone smilin' over how River talks and she's the same," Carolyn teased.

Kaylee giggled again, "I dunno, Rick seems to enjoy listenin' to her." Her quip didn't distract the others from Simon though.

"An' Simon's known for near chokin' on his toes sometimes," Zoë reminded the mechanic. "How's that equate to talkin' pretty?"

"He's gotten better," Kaylee protested, obviously still grinning from the sound of her voice.

"Only acts like a boob two out of four occasions rather than three of four," River nodded solemnly and then spoiled the effect with a giggle.

"But he's always tryin'," Mal's mechanic persisted. "He's never sayin' anythin' mean on purpose."

"Simon's fine enough looking," Carolyn shook her head. "But I like my men a little taller. Big enough I don't feel like I'm the guy you know?"

"So 'sides tall, what else're you lookin' for," Kaylee wondered. Since Carolyn and Rick were no longer sporting, went unsaid. Little Kaylee, for all her leanings towards romance, hadn't picked up on Mal and Carolyn just yet it seemed. Or she was playing dumb in the hopes Carolyn would let something juicy slip. Not that a whole lot had happened, though Mal did greatly enjoy his memories of the second time Carolyn had come down to his bunk.

"Well, I don't mind a good-looking man one bit," The blonde Pilot grinned. "But I like a man to look like a man you know? Doesn't even have to be drop dead gorgeous, sometimes a little edge is good, but those guys who're prettier than I am…never found that appealing."

"Too much competition for the mirror," Kaylee laughed, and Zoë chuckled.

"She's right about that," The First Mate nodded her agreement. "Part of why I made Wash shave off that gawd-awful mustache of his. He looked a helluva lot better without it. And he wasn't always in front of the mirror trimmin' the thing and gettin' hair all over."

"Wash did have a nice way about him," Kaylee sighed wistfully. "He weren't near tall as the Captain or Jayne but he was real strong."

"Had to be," Zoë smiled. "Steering Serenity ain't for the weak."

"So I've learned," Carolyn chuckled. She glanced at River, "You haven't said what you like in a guy."

"An understanding of the girl," River smiled slightly. "Rare unto itself."

"Seen you lookin' at Rick," Kaylee teased gently. "An' you don't seem to mind the view."

"To be fair, there's a lot of Rick to look at," Carolyn grinned at the other female pilot.

"Very large man," River nodded. "Can appreciate the muscles…for a good length of time." A girly little sigh emerged from her lips and Mal nearly shuddered in revulsion. "Good hands too."

"Oh?" Zoë's tone held speculation and curiosity. "You wanna elaborate on that?"

Please don't, Mal mentally begged. I cannot know these things.

His mental pleading was in vain as River giggled. "Strong hands, on her waist, big enough to nearly span her circumference."

"That's true, he's a lot bigger'n you are," Kaylee mused. "That don't scare you none?"

River's voice held a dreamy quality that Mal really didn't much enjoy, "Hmm…like it. She is…dangerous… but he is also. Able to hold her in his arms easily. Her weight is nothing to him. Knuckles to caress her cheek as if she is fine silk to be savored. Eyes look at her as if she is precious and beautiful."

"My weight was nothin' to the man, you must be like a feather," Carolyn chuckled kindly. "Must be kinda nice though, like me when I find a guy taller than me with some muscle on him. Makes me feel dainty."

"Yes," River replied eagerly. "Feel like a girl when I'm with him. Don't have to pretend."

Zoë and Kaylee would understand that better than Carolyn though since the blonde had seen River teaching Jack she'd have some idea of what the girl meant. "He does have a way of reminding a woman she's female."

His Lil Albatross giggled, "Wish to procure more weights and a bar to supplement the weight bench, so she may watch him improve his musculature."

"Oh, now that would be an inspirin' sight," Kaylee agreed. "Simon's my sweetie but no one can touch Rick for muscle. An' I'd thought Jayne's the biggest fella I'd ever seen 'til we met Rick."

"Man called Jayne was not near so enjoyable to watch or hear," River had to be wrinkling her nose. "The muscles were impressive, and the height was not bad. But he was…unkind. And very hairy."

"Oh, now some hair ain't so bad," Kaylee objected.

"I like a nice treasure trail myself," Carolyn's lustful tone was having some unfortunate (though normal) effects on Mal's anatomy, and he thought it best to retreat to the bridge before he heard too much. Unfortunately, their voices carried some and he heard a little more than he wanted before he got out of earshot.

"Simon once said Jayne was like a trained ape, minus the training," Zoë commented. "I will say that the man kinda looked like one when he took off his shirt."

"Also ill-mannered," Mal heard River comment. "Rick is not Core but he is not deliberately uncouth either.

"Somethin' fun 'bout a man ain't strictly civilized though," Zoë offered.

Kaylee giggled, "He does tend to remind you of a big cat. Like he'd just spring on ya and catch you up in his arms to kiss."

"Hmmm…" That dreamy tone did not bode well for his mental well-being. "Doesn't care if her hair is mussed. Likes when she gets sweaty fighting," River had a smile in her voice. "And he moves very well."

Carolyn chuckled, "He's damn light on his feet for such a big man." Her tone was just this side of lascivious, "How much moving have you and he been doing?"

Mal gave thanks that he was safely out of earshot before River could reply. He'd seen his Little Albatross going into Rick's bunk a couple days ago and had no doubt the two of them were doing something besides dancing together.

If he was lucky something would require his thought and attention to the extent that he would be distracted from the fact that he had a notorious murderer (and escaped convict) acting as pilot, gunhand and River's nán péngyǒu.

Author's Note: Poor Mal. Sooner or later he was going to hear something he didn't want to know. Sorry its a little shorter than usual but I felt like we needed something lighter and (from Mal's point of view) a little disturbing.

Chinese Translations:

shuài (handsome / graceful / smart / commander in chief)

nán péngyǒu (boyfriend)