Chapter 29: Alive

I stood in front of the mirror in the nightclub's bathroom, feeling the music pulsing in the air around me. I'd fed right before entering the club on a man who had stolen an elderly woman's purse. I'd chased him down, retrieved her purse, and then went back to him to cut his life short.

That's what I'd done over the course of the past two months. I'd travelled from Chicago to Boston, slowly making my way through big cities and hunting down dangerous humans and feeding from them.

My eyes fully reflected my recent diet—there was no hint of gold left in them and were now purely red. It was a sight that I'd hoped to never see again.

I'd kept my phone in use while I was gone, in case Alice needed to get a hold of me to tell me that the Volturi were making a move, but she thankfully hadn't reached out to me as of yet.

My phone had only rung once and it was the only time Paul had attempted to reach out to me. He'd called me once and it was at four o'clock in the morning, sometime in the third week after my departure. Ignoring his phone call had been painful but it was necessary. If I spoke to him, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from going back to him.

I'd wished that he'd left a voicemail, just so that I could hear his voice again. I'd spent multiple nights sitting alone in a seedy motel or bar, staring at his name in my phone and fighting the urge to call him.

I shook my head at myself and halted all thoughts of him before I did something that I would regret.

It was strange being in Boston again—I'd barely come back here since my transformation out of fear of anyone recognizing me, but I was sure by this point enough time had passed that I would be in the clear.

I knew that my sister was still alive but even if she saw me, I knew that she wouldn't believe what she was seeing and assume that I was just someone who looked eerily like her older sister.

I stopped thinking of my past life and applied some lipstick as two young women stumbled into the bathroom, giggling and adjusting their hair. They sent drunken smiles my way and I returned their smiles, applying the final touches on my lips and exiting the bathroom.

I went out to the dance floor, eyes scanning the crowd for anyone who might be causing problems in the club.

To my surprise, I couldn't see anything happening—it seemed like everyone was actually there to have a good time and party.

I watched a couple dancing together, bouncing with the music and staring into each other's eyes. They were clearly very in love and they looked so happy.

It made my heart ache and I needed to look away from them.

Looking at the happy couple just reminded me that I'd completely destroyed my relationship with Paul and I felt the usual feeling of numbness begin to creep up my spine as I thought of him.

I already wanted to feed again—I needed to feel alive again before the emptiness consumed me.

My eyes swept across the dance floor and fell upon the happy couple again. It was incredibly tempting to convince them to follow me out of the club and feed from them—why were they allowed to be happy and in love when I'd destroyed the greatest love of my life?

I shook my head at myself—I'd promised myself that I wouldn't go after anyone innocent. And besides…what kind of a monster would I be if I murdered them simply because they were happy?

I tore my eyes away from the couple and made my way to the middle of the dance floor, swaying with the music as I walked. Perhaps I'd have more luck finding someone who deserved it if I was in the thickest part of the crowd. If I didn't find anyone soon, I'd move on to a different club or bar.

I continued to dance my way through the crowd until my eyes locked onto a young woman who was also dancing on her own. She was beautiful—she had sharp, angular features, curly blonde hair, and she was wearing a low-cut, figure-hugging, eggplant coloured minidress that accentuated the curves of her body beautifully. Her curly hair bounced around her shoulders as she danced and I found myself staring at her as if I was in a trance.

As she swayed along to the music, she flipped her hair over her shoulder and I got a whiff of the sweet scent of her blood.

My throat instantly began to burn.

Her blood smelled amazing. It reminded me of how intoxicating Bella's blood was and how hard it was to stay in control around her.

Against my better judgement, I approached the young woman and started to dance with her. She smiled at me when she noticed me approach her and I put my hands on her hips, swaying to the music with her.

Her body reacted to mine immediately, leaning back against me and almost melting into my touch. I trailed gentle kisses from her neck to her collarbone, feeling her pulse accelerating under my touch.

In the back of my mind, I knew that I shouldn't have even engaged with her—the second I caught the first whiff of her blood I should have left the club to find someone who was actually dangerous.

In that moment, though, I couldn't bring myself to care.

I was already too far gone.

It was as if my body was acting on its' own—seducing this young woman and giving her a false sense of security so that I could lure her away and feed from her.

I tightened my hold on her hips and we continued to dance together until she abruptly turned and wrapped her arms around my neck, drawing me close to her and crushing her lips against mine.

As her mouth moved against mine and her tongue invaded my mouth, I found myself feeling hesitant and holding back with her. If I kissed her as intensely as I wanted to right away, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from biting into her lip and drawing blood right there on the dance floor.

I broke away from her and met her eyes, an unspoken understanding passing between us.

I grasped her hand and pulled her through the club and towards the exit. I led her outside and into the alleyway behind the club.

I didn't waste any time—as soon as we were completely alone I grasped her face tightly and kissed her neck, inhaling deeply and allowing the scent of her blood to completely overwhelm me. I pinned her against the wall, feeling her body completely melt in my arms.

Before I could stop myself, I sank my teeth deep into her neck before she could even let a scream out.

The taste of her blood exploded on my tongue and it felt like every cell in my body had come to life again as her blood flowed down my throat. Hers was the sweetest blood that I'd ever tasted and I savoured every drop that touched my tongue.

I completely drained her and tossed her body to the side, concealing it behind a dumpster.

I looked down at myself and saw that my white, skin-tight dress was covered in blood. I'd been messier than I normally was and I knew that I had to get out of the alley as soon as possible. I bolted out of the alleyway, weaving through the streets of downtown Boston and scaling the exterior of my hotel to my room's balcony so I could avoid crossing paths with any of the hotel employees or other guests.

It was only when I was alone in my room that I felt myself beginning to spiral.

Despite this bender that I'd ended up on, I'd promised myself that I'd only harm humans who were dangerous—no one innocent.

Her blood had smelled so good and I hadn't been able to stop myself from approaching her and leading her to what she'd thought would have been a night of meaningless sex. Instead, I'd sunk my teeth into her neck and dumped her corpse behind a dumpster.

I had no excuse for it.

She'd had no intentions of harming anyone—she'd just wanted to have a fun night of partying and maybe a hook-up.

I was a monster.

In my desperation to chase the high that came from drinking human blood, I'd become one of the monsters that I'd spent the past two months hunting down. I'd chased that feeling since that night in Chicago, needing it to keep myself sane, yet here I was fresh from a feed and feeling completely disgusted with myself.

I'd hoped that drinking human blood again would fill the hole that I'd created in my life when I'd left Paul, but deep down I knew that it was no use. There was absolutely nothing that could compare to how I felt when I was with Paul, no matter how many times I fed from a human.

I'd painted this vigilante image of myself in my head as if that excused my lack of self control, but it could only be justified with so many victims and I had to just admit to myself that this was who I was now. Up until tonight, I'd been able to justify my actions by telling myself that I was saving some other poor woman from what would be the worst night of her life, but tonight had just confirmed that I'd completely lost touch with my humanity.

I could still feel the young woman's blood surging through my body and as disgusted as I was with myself, I felt a lightness inside of me that came from drinking human blood…or being with Paul.

I needed to cling to that feeling for as long as I could, even if it meant going out and finding another human to drink from tonight.

Deep down, I knew that the only thing that would permanently bring that feeling back was if I went back to Paul. I missed him so much that it made my heart ache, but I needed to protect him. If the Volturi got their hands on him and I lost him because of them…

I closed my eyes, trying not to let the image of his face enter my mind. The more I thought of him, the quicker the rush from drinking human blood would leave me and I'd feel numb all over again.

I already felt like I was coming apart and I stood in my bathroom, gripping the sink tightly as if I needed it for support. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes again, meeting my own red eyes in the mirror and feeling slightly horrified at my reflection again.

How could I have let it get to this point? How could I have allowed this to happen? To revert back to my old ways and completely destroy the self control I'd worked so hard to maintain for over a decade?

A knock at my door made me draw my eyes away from the mirror and I felt my body jolt in surprise. I expected it to be a couple of police officers on the other side, questioning me about the dead woman behind the club. It would be easy enough for me to talk my way out of it—to act completely horrified about what had happened and to promise the police officers that I'd give them any information as I discovered it.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Or, perhaps I'd confess to the crime that I'd committed. If I was put in jail, at least I'd be protected from the Volturi's clutches and I wouldn't be as tempted to run back to Forks and throw myself into Paul's waiting arms. All I had to do was open the door in my bloody dress and they'd know it was me.

However, when I looked through the peephole and saw who was on the other side, I skidded backwards a few inches before my entire body locked into place, shock and disbelief stopping me from opening the door.

There was another knock, slightly louder this time. I had to be imagining it; there was no way—

"I know you're in there."

The sound of his voice made my body jolt into action. Feeling like I was moving on autopilot, I unlocked the door to my room and flung it open.

Paul's eyes locked onto mine, shock clouding his features as he took in the red colour of my eyes that was so foreign to him and the blood soaked dress that I hadn't bothered to change out of. He looked completely worn out, his chin scruffier than I'd ever seen it before and I wondered how long he'd gone without shaving. I noticed how his t-shirt and leather jacket hung loosely on his body, telling me that he'd lost weight over the course of the two months that we'd been apart.

The shock in his eyes didn't last very long and within seconds, he'd stepped into my room, grasped my face in his hands, and kissed me with enough force to drown me.

I was home again.

I wasted no time, kicking the door shut behind him and tearing his jacket away from his shoulders, desire burning through my veins more intensely than anything I'd ever felt before.

I needed him.

It was always him—no amount of human blood would be able to fill the void that I'd created when I left him. I'd chased this exact feeling since the day I'd left him, trying to convince myself that I'd find it by slipping back into my old habits. I'd felt most alive when Will and I had drank human blood together, yet I was instantly able to feel it again just from Paul's presence in Boston.

He peeled the blood-soaked dress off of my body and lifted me off the ground, my legs instinctively going around his waist and our mouths never breaking contact.

No words were needed as we stripped away the rest of the layers of clothing between us and fell into bed together. As our bodies moved together in perfect harmony, I felt whole again for the first time in two months.