Chapter 30: Fifteen

"So…are you ready to talk or do you want to go for round fifteen?" Paul murmured, tracing circles on my bare arm.

We were snuggled under the covers together, my head resting against his bare chest and his body heat enveloping me like a warm hug.

"Tired?" I teased. He chuckled but went quiet again and I knew that it was time to have the conversation that I'd been dreading. I took a deep breath. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to apologize enough for leaving you."

"Those things that you said when you left…"

"They were all lies," I whispered. "I thought that if I told you that I'd fallen out of love with you, it'd be easier to convince you that I had to leave. It was the hardest thing I've ever done." I stretched upwards and pressed a gentle kiss to his temple.

"There were moments, while you were gone, where it felt like you were elated," he began, making me look away from him. "I just kept feeling these…these surges of euphoria and I knew it was coming from you, because it sure as hell wasn't coming from me."

I was quiet for a few moments. "You were probably feeling what I felt when I was…feeding."

"Your eyes are red," he noted quietly. There was no judgement in his voice, only curiosity.

"Oh, so you noticed," I said, trying for a joke.

"Of course I did," he murmured.

"A week after I left you, I was in a bar in Chicago and a man approached my table," I began. "He bought me a drink and he thought that I didn't see him slip something into it, but of course my eyes caught it. I played along—making him think that he'd succeeded in drugging me and I let him lead me into an alley…and then…I killed him and drained him instead of just taking him to the police.

"So, I'd travel through big cities, seeking out dangerous men and convincing myself that I was doing the right thing despite being on such a bender," I continued. "But then, tonight…"

I couldn't finish my sentence. The face of the woman I'd killed shot through my mind and I felt overcome with guilt and disgust.

"What happened?" he asked gently, continuing to trace circles on my arm.

"I was in a nightclub and…someone got too close," I whispered. "Her blood smelled amazing and I couldn't stop myself from feeding from her. She was innocent, though. She hadn't had anything on her that would bring harm to anyone. I…I killed someone completely innocent tonight, Paul."

I hadn't said the words out loud before that moment and it made my stomach turn. It reminded me far too much of the countless nights I'd had feeding from innocent victims with Will. We'd brought out the worst parts of each other while feeling better than we'd ever felt before.

"God, Nat…"

"You don't have to say anything," I said. "I know it's completely fucked up."

"I was going to ask if you're okay," he said.

"You're asking me if I'm okay?" I repeated incredulously.

He chuckled. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Honestly…now that you're here, I think I'm okay," I said.

His hold tightened on me. "I know that feeling all too well."

"Do I even want to know how bad it was for you when I left?" I whispered.

He exhaled deeply. "When we're away from our imprints for an extended period of time, it affects us. Jared noticed how badly I was doing, but he gave me my space to deal with it, until we phased together and he saw how dark my thoughts had gotten. It was out of my control, honestly—I can barely even remember what I was thinking." He was quiet for a few moments. "Jared noticed and he got worried, so he knew he had to say something to get me to come after you before it was too late."

"Too late?" I echoed.

"I was barely eating or sleeping," he explained. "Jared said that it looked like I was just functioning on autopilot—just doing enough to survive, basically. He was scared that I'd run myself off a cliff and drown myself while patrolling or something."

"Paul—"

"He showed me the note you left for him," he said, making me stiffen involuntarily. I'd specifically asked that Jared not reveal my actual reason for leaving Paul. He noticed my change in posture and gently chided me. "Stop that—he only did it because of how worried he was about me."

Immediately, I realized that I was being ridiculous. "If he hadn't told you…"

"All that matters is that he did tell me," he soothed, pressing a soft kiss to the top of my head. "I just wish that you'd told me."

"You wouldn't have let me leave," I whispered. "In the back of my mind, I'd always known that I'd have to leave because of the Volturi. I knew that at some point, they'd turn up in Forks and completely demolish any semblance of a life that I'd carved out for myself. And then…they did show up and I panicked. All I could think about was how they'd tortured Will and then when I saw Jane use her power on you…" I shuddered.

"It…it hurt me a lot when you left," he admitted quietly. "Worse than what that vamp did to me."

"I know," I whispered, stroking his cheek. "I…I was an idiot for leaving you. No matter how I looked at it, I'd lose. If I stayed in La Push and they returned, I knew that they'd use you as leverage to get me to join them so they wouldn't hurt you. If I left you, I'd still lose you, but at least you'd still be breathing. I knew that I'd have to hurt you and part of me hoped that I'd hurt you so badly that you'd hate me, as long as it meant you were safe."

"I could never hate you," he said. "Even when I was at my angriest that night when you left, I'd never be able to hate you."

"I won't ever leave you again," I promised.

"I won't let you leave me again," he said, tightening his hold on me for emphasis.

"How did you find me anyway?"

"I told you—I'm a good tracker," he said. "The imprint also helped."

"I'm shocked you want anything to do with me after what I did," I mumbled.

"Things might be hard for a little bit," he warned. "It won't be easy to forgot how bad it got."

"I understand that," I said. "God, I've ruined everything."

"Nothing is ruined," he promised. "What made you decide to come to Boston?"

"I've had to stick to big cities while I've been hunting," I explained tightly. "It's not easy to feed in a small town where it's not often that people go missing. I've only been back here once since I was turned, so I guess I just wanted to see how things have changed since I was a human."

"So…your new diet…"

"It'll be easier to quit now that we're together again," I said quickly.

"Good, because if you started feeding in La Push or Forks, I don't think I'd be able to stop the pack from attacking," he said. "I mean, I could always just tell Chief Swan what you've been up to."

I laughed. "It's funny you mention that—when you knocked at the door I actually thought you were the police coming to question me about the woman I killed. I was just going to give myself over to them."

"You were?"

"Yeah, at least then I'd know that I'd be safe from the Volturi," I said. We were quiet for a few moments and I ran my fingers along the muscles of his chest and stomach that were somehow still defined despite his evident weight loss. "Are you hungry? When's the last time you are something?"

He laughed. "Worried about me?"

"I can see that you've lost weight," I said. "You need to take care of yourself."

"Okay, Mom," he teased. "Wow, we both really fucked up our diets, didn't we?"

"Clearly neither of us know how to cope with being apart."

"I have to ask—when you left Will, did you also go on a blood drinking bender like this?"

I shook my head. "I left him because he'd started drinking human blood again behind my back. I noticed his eyes beginning to turn red again, and I got angry and left him. Kind of ironic now, huh?"

"You should probably call him and apologize," he teased.

"He'd never let me live that down."

"I wouldn't either if I were him," he said. "How long were you thinking of staying here?"

I shrugged. "I have this room booked for the next couple of days."

"And then we'll go back to La Push?"

"If you'll have me there," I whispered.

"Of course," he said without missing a beat. "You've seen where I grew up, so I guess it's about time I get to see where you did. Aren't you scared someone will recognize you?"

"Not really," I said. "My sister is still alive but other than that, most people will have passed away by now and I highly doubt any of the officers who worked my missing persons case would still be active. Even if there were, I should be in my seventies by now—no one would believe that it was actually me."

"Have you seen your sister since you've arrived back?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I've been afraid to get too close—she'd never believe what she was seeing but I'm sure she'd know it was me."

"It would probably be nice to see her from afar, at least," he said.

"Yeah, at some point I probably will pay her a visit," I said. "It's…strange being back here."

"I can imagine."

"Everything is so familiar to me, yet still so foreign," I said. "It's a little bit easier to deal with now that you're here, though. I already feel more comfortable."

"I'm glad to hear that," he said.

"And I'm glad you came after me," I said. "I know that eventually I would've come back to La Push, but who knows what state either of us would've been in by the time I returned."

"Let's not think about that," he suggested, beginning to pepper kisses along my jawline and neck.

"Round fifteen?" I asked.

"Tired?" he teased, mirroring how I'd poked fun at him earlier.

"Very funny," I muttered, lifting his face up to mine and kissing him deeply.

I pulled him as close to me as he could possibly get and before long, we were making love to each other for the fifteenth time that night, and I knew that no one would make me as happy as Paul did.