Chapter 35: Selfish

I crept into the apartment and found him in the bedroom, fast asleep. I crawled into bed next to him and stared up at the ceiling, thoughts of what Alice had told me still swirling through my head.

How was I supposed to navigate through a potential war on the horizon?

Not just any war, either—a war that would surely drive the two of us apart after we'd just reunited.

The thought of losing him again made it feel like a hole had a punched through my chest.

Before I'd left Washington, I'd somewhat been able to get on the pack's good side, but my departure and the threat of an unknown being would surely change that.

I knew that I had to side with the Cullens in this situation. Not only were they my kind, but it was Bella's choice through and through. There were many things that Bella did that I didn't agree with, however I knew that no matter what she chose, I would have to stand by her.

Especially when it came down to a pregnancy.

The wolves wouldn't see it that way, though. They'd only see it as a threat and they would do whatever they had to do to terminate it, regardless of the harm that it may cause Bella. The only reason they tolerated me was because of my connection to Paul, and even then it was a strained relationship.

I rolled onto my side to face Paul, kicking myself again for leaving him and destroying the trust we'd shared. I'd wasted two months of our lives because I'd been scared of what might happen to him. I'd spent two months away from him, consumed with trying to distract myself stayed with him.

Now, I was sure to lose him again and neither of us would have a choice in where we'd have to stand.

Nervousness bubbled up in my stomach—if it came to a full blown war, would I have to go hand-to-hand against him?

The thought of physically harming him nearly made me feel ill—a feeling I didn't think was possible for me. Physically harming any member of the pack would be hard enough, let alone Paul.

Paul shifted in his sleep and pulled me tightly against him, sighing happily in his slumber.

Idly, I wondered how much longer we'd have together. Alice had said that if Bella was pregnant, they'd be returning to Forks within the next couple days. Would the Cullens need me at the house upon their arrival? Would the wolves find out immediately?

If the wolves didn't find out, how long would I be able to lie about it to Paul for? How long would I have to pretend that everything was fine?

Alice had said that there was a chance that Bella wouldn't end up pregnant, but I didn't know how likely that was. Alice's concern had been palpable—even when she'd been telling me about the possibility of her not being pregnant, she hadn't seemed to believe it herself.

Paul shifted again and yawned. He stretched his arms above his head and his eyes fluttered open. As soon as he focused on me, a warm smile spread across his face and he pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. "You're back."

I smiled. "I told you I wouldn't be gone long."

"How's Alice?"

I hesitated and he noticed. "She's okay."

He turned my face towards his, brow furrowed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, trying for a smile. "It's just…my recent diet came up. It…wasn't the easiest thing to talk about."

It wasn't technically a lie, but I still felt horrible about it.

He pulled me flush against him and gently squeezed. "Was she understanding?"

"More understanding than I deserve, honestly."

"Hey, don't say that," he chided. "She understands where you're coming from. They've all been in your shoes—you don't need to be so hard on yourself."

"I appreciate that," I said, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. "How was your nap?"

"Not long enough," he said, stretching again. "But that's okay."

"You should sleep," I said, trying to sound stern.

He shook his head. "I'd rather spend time with you."

"Stubborn," I teased, secretly happy that he was unwilling to go back to sleep.

Selfish, I thought bitterly. You're lying to him about what's happening and ruining his sleep schedule just so you can steal more moments with him before it all goes to shit again.

I halted all thoughts of that immediately. I couldn't let myself think about that around him, otherwise he'd realize something was wrong and he'd get the answer out of me.

We spent the rest of the evening together, curled on the couch and watching the last two instalments in the Nightmare on Elm Street series.

I couldn't focus on the films, though. My mind was elsewhere as I snuggled close to him and he watched the movies. I was trying as hard as I could to be in the moment with him, but I couldn't bring myself to be. I couldn't stop thinking about the prospect of losing him again.

The first time had been bad enough, but that had been my decision. That had been me trying to protect him, to save his life.

This was different. This time it was something bigger than the two of us and it was completely beyond either of our control. We were going to be forced to fight on opposing sides simply because of what we were.

It was what had been haunting the back of my mind since we'd decided to pursue this relationship. I'd known that there would be struggles—that us being a different species would ultimately cause a rift between us, but I never could have imagined that it would be because of a potentially dangerous fetus.

A baby.

Something that I rarely even let myself think about, given what had happened to me. Talking to Leah about our shared immortality and infertility had almost broken me and I hadn't even gone into details about it with her.

I'd never gone into details about it with anybody. Only two people knew about it—one being Edward, who had probably seen it in my mind and the other was the spirit of my ex-boyfriend's mother.

How fucked up was that?

I halted all thoughts of my past before I threw myself back into the memory of waking up and learning what had happened to me. I would eventually share that part of my history with Paul, but it was still something that I was coming to terms with. All these years later, it was still the one skeleton in my closet that I could never bring myself to face.

I wished we'd just stayed in Boston. Coming back to Forks had been a mistake.

We'd come back to complete chaos when we could've just stayed there and forgotten about this place. We could've built a life there, away from the pack and the Cullens and lived our own lives, rather than lives that were being controlled by outer forces.

I couldn't blame Alice or the Cullens for pulling me into this—they were anticipating an all out war and knew they needed as much help as they could get. I cared for them so much and would do whatever necessary to aid them.

As awful as it made me feel, I hoped that if Bella ended up pregnant that she would decide not to keep the baby. I wouldn't voice this to her as it was completely her choice, however she had to realize how much safer she would be to terminate it.

This wouldn't be a normal pregnancy and it could quite literally kill her.

"So…Emily wants to see you," Paul said, bringing me back to the present.

I blinked a few times, realizing that I'd been so consumed with my thoughts that I'd missed the whole movie. His words made my stomach lurch.

Seeing Emily meant facing the rest of the pack.

Facing Leah.

Right before everything was about to go to shit again.

"When?" I asked, trying to keep my tone light.

He chuckled. "I know it's midnight, but if I told her we were coming over now she'd be fine with it."

"Of course," I mumbled.

"Hey," he said, turning my face to his. "She isn't angry with you. You'll be fine."

I took a deep breath. "Maybe we can go tomorrow?"

"I'm sure she'd appreciate that," he said. He stretched his arms above his head and stifled a yawn.

"Bedtime?" I asked.

He laughed. "If you don't want to spend time with me, you can just say that, you know."

I snuggled closer to him. "Never."

He lifted me off the couch and carried me into the bedroom, falling to bed with me wrapped securely in his arms. We were quiet for a few moments while he stroked my hair before he broke the serene silence. "So…are you gonna tell me what's been bothering you since you got back from seeing Alice?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, hoping that I sounded genuinely confused.

"I know you well enough to know when something's eating away at you, Nat," he said. "You barely watched the movies tonight and you've seemed distracted since you got back." I was quiet, avoiding his gaze. "Whatever it is, you know you can tell me."

"Not this time," I whispered.

He turned my face towards his so I was forced to meet his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Paul, I'm sorry, but I can't tell you," I said. "It's…it's not something that I can share."

"Are you okay?" he asked, eyes searching mine.

"I am fine," I promised. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Then tell me," he insisted. "Is it…is it another newborn army? Are more coming?"

I shook my head. "It's nothing like that."

"Then what is i?"

"Paul—"

"I don't like you keeping secrets from me." His tone had completely changed. Instead of sounding worried, he sounded angry. It was a quiet, calm anger that was almost scarier than if he was blowing up at me.

It reminded me of when I left him. Panic seeped into me—was he reacting this way because he was trying to protect himself from being hurt by me again?

I couldn't let that happen. Not again.

"I don't like it either," I said. "But I promise you, I am fine and that's all that matters right now."

"Will you tell me eventually?"

I hesitated. I couldn't promise that I could tell him everything—I had no idea what the future held. "I will tell you what I can, when I can. I promise."

"Fine," he grumbled, wrapping his arms around me and kissing the top of my head.

"I love you," I whispered.

He squeezed me tight against him. "I love you too."

He quickly fell asleep with me tucked in his arms and I spent the night staring at him, wondering for the second time in our relationship how many nights we'd have left together.