Author's Note: TW: References to self-harm, thoughts of self-harm
Hi, loves! Happy Halloween! This is a short chapter, but I thought I should post today because it is Halloween (RIP James and Lily). In the past, Halloween has been a rough day mentally for me, so I'm glad you're here with me.
I made a Discord for the Fine community! You can go to this story on Ao3 for the link or message me and I'll send it to you.
You make this word better. Keep being you because you are amazing. Halloween may be about costumes, but I think you're wonderful just the way you are. You are loved!
Chapter Summary: Harry wakes up and talks to Remus and Sirius. Sirius takes Harry flying. Harry encounters a trigger and has an Occlumency lesson. Draco talks to Harry.
Previous Chapter Summary: Sirius and Dumbledore head to Gringotts to destroy one of the Horcruxes, leaving Harry very worried. Harry passes out from the pain. The Horcrux affects Sirius. Albus wants to use Harry's connection with the Horcrux to his advantage, causing mixed reactions. Harry was overwhelmed with the idea and people speaking for him so he took a nap.
Harry had woken up from his nap around dinner time. He was groggy from the excess of emotion and magic. He saw Padfoot at the foot of his bed and everything came rushing back to him.
Harry rubbed his eyes and sat up. "Hi, Padfoot."
Padfoot popped his head up and looked at Harry, who was giving him a weary smile. Padfoot went to the top of Harry's head and put his fuzzy black head in the crook of Harry's shoulder and looked up at his son.
"Hi," Harry giggled, petting the dog.
Padfoot gave Harry a look as to say, 'well, how are you feeling?'.
Harry sighed and continued to pet Padfoot. "I'm okay. It's still overwhelming. I'm doing better than I was. Time and space helped and I'm back in my usual headspace," Harry said, blushing.
Padfoot glared at Harry.
"I know, I know. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I still get embarrassed, though. Thank s for helping me," Harry said, putting his head on Padfoot.
Padfoot let out a loving sound and Harry kissed his head. "I couldn't do this without you."
Harry held Padfoot close and they stayed there until there was a quiet knock on the door and Remus poked his head in.
"You're awake," Remus said softly, smiling warmly.
"Hi, Moony Da," Harry said, kissing Padfoot and releasing the dog.
"It's about dinner time. Do you want to come to the table?"
"I don't really want to, but I suppose I should," Harry admitted.
Remus smiled sympathetically, knowing what that felt like. "I'm proud of you. Here, grab my hand," Remus offered as he walked towards Harry.
Padfoot jumped off the bed and popped into Sirius and Harry thankfully grabbed Remus' hand as he made his way out of his safe, warm bed.
"What's for dinner?" Harry asked.
"Fish and chips," Remus said, making sure Harry was steady.
"You sure know how to get me to eat, don't you," Harry said.
He wasn't planning on eating much dinner, but he did love fish and chips.
Remus just smiled and turned to grab the plates.
Harry smiled and shook his head and took a seat in between Sirius and Remus.
Dinner was eaten with light conversation and Sirius cleared the plates.
"Harry," Remus began lightly.
Harry shifted uncomfortably, knowing what was coming.
"Can we talk just a bit in the other room? I want to respect your limits; I just want to address a few things."
"Okay," Harry agreed. He got up and nervously made his way to the armchair.
Remus and Sirius sat on the couch.
Harry could smell Remus on the armchair and relaxed a bit with the comforting scent.
"Harry, how are you feeling about it all? Let me know your boundaries," Remus said, putting the ball in Harry's court.
"I don't want to talk a lot about it," Harry said, wringing his hands nervously as he confirmed Remus' suspicions. "I really do want to wait until later. I have enough things to worry about right now and whether it's right or wrong I don't want to worry about this until I have to."
Remus nodded, understanding. "I respect that. When it comes up again, we will revisit it, okay?"
Harry nodded, still wringing his hands.
Remus silently levitated a fidget into Harry's hands who gratefully used it and ducked his head bashfully.
"You got rather angry yesterday. How's your foot?" Remus asked gently.
Harry felt his cheeks heat up. "Okay. Did you heal it?"
"When you went to bed we did take your socks off. You had a few bruised toes we healed. I know we try to ask for your consent, but I know how important your mobility is to you."
"Thanks. Yeah, they're only a bit sore."
"Good, I'm glad to hear that," Remus replied.
"What can we do for you?" Sirius asked gently.
"I just want to put a pin in this. I really don't want to deal with it right now. I want to be distracted. I can't handle this right now. Is that okay?" Harry looked at Remus, desperately wanting some validation.
"Of course, it's okay, Harry. I understand wanting to push it away right now. I will check in with you about it at our sessions, okay?'
Harry nodded.
"And you will come to me if you need anything, right?"
"Of course," Harry agreed.
"We can do distractions, then. Just keep us in the loop, okay?" Remus asked kindly.
"Of course, Moony Da," Harry agreed, feeling relieved.
"And I can help you with the distractions," Sirius said, smiling. "We still have to fly together," Sirius pointed out.
Harry's face brightened. "Oh, yeah!"
"How about we go in a few days then, hm? We'll give you a few more days to recover and then we'll go flying," Sirius suggested.
"That sounds great. Thanks, Dadfoot," Harry said gratefully.
"C'mere, Pup," Sirius said, moving over and patting the space in between him and Moony.
Harry scrambled off the armchair and made his way in between Sirius and Remus.
"There. Right where you belong," Sirius said contently as Harry nestled in between Remus and Sirius.
"I'm 15, almost 16!" Harry protested.
"You're always our little baby bird," Remus said, kissing the top of Harry's head.
Harry turned his head up and squealed, opening his mouth as a baby bird would.
"He's angry," Remus cooed.
Sirius pretended to hack something and spit it into Harry's mouth.
"Dadfoot! Gross! No!" Harry cried, giggling.
Sirius laughed deep in his belly and Remus laughed, too.
Life may be difficult, but they had each other. And that is enough.
"Ready, Harry?" Sirius shouted.
"Ready!" Harry confirmed.
Harry and Sirius were at the Quidditch pitch flying.
Harry was still in Occlumency lessons and Sirius was coming up with more and more creative ways to help him.
Since Harry flies to clear his mind, Sirius wanted Harry to actually practice building a wall while flying. Sirius was going to transfigure leaves into blocks for Harry to make a (floating) wall around part of the Quidditch pitch. This was not only a good way for Harry to practice but easy to clean up as the "blocks" were easy to turn back into leaves.
Sirius started slow and eventually floated blocks faster toward Harry. Harry made some mistakes at first, but by the end of it, he and Sirius were both sweating and smiling.
"That was fantastic, Pup!" Sirius said as they made their way to the ground.
"Y'think so?" Harry asked, craving more validation.
"Absolutely. Hey, I'll clean up here and you can shower and then head to your lesson, alright?"
"Thanks, Dadfoot!" Harry said.
"And Harry?" Sirius called out as Harry walked away.
"Hm?" Harry said, turning around and stopping to look at his godfather.
"Don't go too easy on Severus."
Harry laughed and shook his head. "I won't!"
Harry headed to the locker rooms that he used for Quidditch because they were closer. He knew he'd make it in time if he used them as opposed to going all the way to the Marauder Quarters.
Harry happily hummed as he got to the locker room. He stripped off his sweaty clothes and made his way under the water. He closed his eyes and sighed, thankful for the therapeutic effects of water.
Harry let out another breath, doing his best to relax before going underneath the shower fully and letting the water cascade down. He ended up reaching for the soap, his eyes still closed, when his hand hit the soap and caused it to fall on the floor.
Harry took a step out of the stream of water. He opened his eyes and reached down to grab what he knocked over and the soap.
Seeing the unknown object caused Harry to freeze. It was a muggle razor.
Quidditch players rarely left things over the summer, so Harry was sure this was long forgotten about. Harry picked it up and admired it.
He'd use a razor to hurt himself more than once.
Harry stared at it for a moment longer before breaking out of his trance. He threw it across the room and felt his legs buckle under him. He sat on the shower floor (thank Merlin for the House Elves who meticulously clean it).
Harry took some deep breaths and closed his eyes.
C'mon, Harry, you can do it. Just forget about it, Harry thought to himself.
Harry grabbed the soap and started to lather up his body, but stayed on the ground.
What does Moony Da say? Deep breaths. Okay, let's try that, Harry thought, trying to calm himself down.
Harry took deep breaths, calming himself down. It took several minutes, but Harry was able to push the thought of relapsing far enough away to shower. He counted the number of floor tiles before finding the strength to get up again. He rinsed off before turning off the water and walking to his towel with shaky legs.
Harry ran through his head for mental distractions before deciding to list all the spells he could think of that started with A.
He quickly got to Avada Kedavra, which, of course, was not the best spell to think about when trying to get away from a trigger.
Harry winced and moved on to B.
Harry robotically got dried off and dressed before heading to his Occlumency meeting. He was able to get to Liberacorpus (the counterspell for Levicorpus) when he reached the dungeons.
Harry momentarily paused, not even remembering how he got there (thank you, dissociation). He quickly shook his head and tried to close his mind. It took him longer than usual, but Harry was able to fly in his mind and try to build a wall. What he just did with Sirius was rather helpful.
Harry knocked on Severus' door and entered when allowed.
"Hello, Harry. How are you?" Severus asked, setting a book he was reading on the coffee table.
"I'm okay, Sir. How are you?" Harry asked politely.
Severus narrowed his eyes but didn't comment on Harry's feelings. "I am adequate. It has been a pleasant morning. Are you ready for your lesson?"
"Yes, Sir. Dadfot and I have been practicing."
"Good. We need to make your walls stronger," Snape said as they both got in position.
Harry sat in a chair and Severus sat across from him.
"Ready?" Severus asked.
Harry nodded.
"Legilimens!" Severus began.
Harry focused on keeping his wall up. He quickly filled the holes that Severus would find. It was taking him more effort than usual, but he was keeping the potions master out.
About 20 minutes later, Severus' attacks were getting harder, and Harry was becoming more tired, but Harry was still holding his own. Severus was about done and decided to give it five more minutes, just to stretch Harry and help him improve.
All of a sudden, Draco walks in, and the door slams behind him. "I'm home!" Draco announces, unaware of Harry and Severus having an Occlumency lesson.
The loud noise was far too reminiscent of Vernon and Dudley's door opening and threw Harry off his game. His walls fell and Severus made his way in only to be immediately overcome with thoughts of the razor, cutting, and self-harm.
Harry threw his walls back up, but it was much too late.
Severus pulled out of his mind and Harry was thrown back into the present, off of the chair and on the ground.
"You have one chance to explain," Severus said dangerously to Harry.
"Uncle Sev?" Draco questioned, still in the main hallway. He wasn't used to Snape using that tone of voice.
"Draco, you need to go to your room or leave the quarters. I have to talk to Harry," Severus told his godson.
"Uncle Sev-" Draco began, sensing the obvious tension in the room.
"Draco. Now." Severus ordered sharply.
"Fine. But don't you dare leave him alone," Draco said, an edge to his voice. Draco walked over to Harry, ignoring the piercing look Severus was giving him.
"Harry?" Draco said softly, putting a soft hand on Harry's arm. "I'll be in my room if you need me, okay?"
Harry gave a nod and turned his head, determined not to cry.
Draco gave Severus a look, basically telling him to 'be good'.
Severus softened his face and nodded. Snape watched as his godson retreated to his bedroom, clearly concerned about Harry.
"Explain," Severus repeated again.
"I don't want to talk about it," Harry mumbled.
"You will explain to me or you will explain to your godparents."
"I thought you said you would keep it private?!" Harry insisted, angry.
"I did," Severus nodded calmly. "However, that does not apply if you or someone else is in danger."
Harry swore like a sailor in his head. He ran through scenarios in his head and thought about what to say.
Snape gave him a moment before speaking, softening his voice. "Harry, I am a safe person. Please let me know why those are the top thoughts on your mind. I didn't have to dig deep at all to find them."
Harry sighed, relenting. "I was flying with Dadfoot. I used the Quidditch showers because they were closer. There was a razor in the shower. It triggered me. I didn't do anything, but it was why I was late.
"You didn't hurt yourself?" Snape asked, clarifying what happened.
"No, I didn't," Harry replied, feeling a bit annoyed (which stemmed from his shame).
"What did you do with the razor?" Severus asked patiently.
Harry looked away.
"What did you do, Harry?" Severus repeated- his voice calm.
"I left it there," Harry admitted.
"Why?" Severus asked.
Harry's head shot up, not expecting that question. "What?"
"Why did you leave it there?"
"I dunno," Harry's cheeks flushed.
Severus didn't say anything but stared at Harry knowingly.
Harry stayed quiet and eventually said, "You know why. I don't want to say it out loud."
Severus nodded. He was quiet, trying to think of an appropriate response. After several moments, he said, "Let's go there."
"What?" Harry asked, taken off guard.
"Let's go there. Together."
Severus stood up and walked to the door. Harry was frozen in his seat, gaping.
Severus turned once he got to the door and looked back at Harry. "Let's go," Severus ordered in a tone that immediately had Harry following him.
It was quiet on the first half of their walk, but then Severus made a comment. "You've been clean for a while."
"Kinda," Harry shrugged. "From something that's not my fingers," Harry said.
Severus kept his face neutral. "You haven't used an object in a while. That is an accomplishment to be proud of."
Harry shrugged, fiddling with his sleeves.
"I don't want this to trip you up."
"But I DON'T CARE!" Harry suddenly stopped and shouted.
Severus stopped and turned to Harry. He waited, knowing Harry was going to speak more.
"I don't care that it might trip me up! I sometimes just need a release! It's not a temptation! It's something that's there if I need it! My life is kinda shite if you haven't noticed! I need something to help!"
Harry stormed over to the tree that was a few hundred yards away and sat down, leaning against it.
Snape walked over to Harry and sat down next to him. He transfigured a blade of grass into a fidget for Harry to use and handed it to the traumatized teen, who took it gratefully.
Severus and Harry sat in silence for over twenty minutes as Severus wanted Harry to speak first.
"Sorry for that," Harry eventually said, still pulling on the stretchy fidget.
"No need to apologize. How are you feeling now?"
"Better. Sometimes it just builds up," Harry admitted.
"Have you talked to Lupin about this?"
Harry nodded. "Yeah. He knows about it all. We've had this discussion."
"What does he say?"
"It's a process," Harry sighed. "I should reach out and get help when I need it and not be too hard on myself."
"I hate to say it, but it sounds like decent advice."
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
"It is easier said than done," Severus pointed out.
"It is. Sometimes I just need a break," Harry said softly.
"I am happy to be that break for you. I think you know me well enough to know that I will always treat you like a person."
"Or worse," Harry teased with a mischievous smile on his face.
Severus allowed a small smile on his face and turned to Harry. "Are you feeling well enough to keep going?"
Harry hesitated and then nodded. "Yeah."
"Let's go," Snape said, standing up and holding out a hand for Harry to grab.
Harry took the hand and continued to walk with Severus until they reached the locker rooms. Harry hesitated at the doorway.
Let's go," Snape said again, quite gently.
Harry took a deep breath and nodded. He led Snape to the showers and stood back while Snape silently walked over to the razor and vanished it.
Harry felt his stomach drop but managed a nod at Severus when the professor turned around.
"Good job," Severus said as he walked over to Harry.
Harry shrugged.
"Do you want to talk to Lupin about this?" Severus asked, genuinely asking.
"I-I think I just need a minute," Harry admitted, looking down at the ground as they walked out of the locker room.
Severus clasped his hands behind his back as he walked with Harry. "Would you like me to do anything?"
Harry shook his head.
"Would you like Draco to join you?"
Harry started to shake his head and then shrugged. "Yeah, maybe, I guess."
Normally Severus would be incredibly annoyed with the vague, wishy-washy answer, but he knew Harry was hurting right now.
"Would you like to go to him, or have him walk with you?"
"Can he come to me? I'd like some time alone," Harry requested.
Severus bit back a sigh. "I don't really want to leave you alone right now," Severus admitted.
Harry opened his mouth to argue, but Severus put a hand up to silence him.
"I'm not done. I may not like the idea of leaving you alone, but I understand needing to be alone to process. I will allow you to be by yourself while I retrieve him. Are you going to be safe by yourself?"
"Yes, Professor," Harry said dutifully.
"And if Draco feels like he needs to, he can cast a diagnostic spell to alert him of any abrasions on your skin?"
Harry bit his tongue and nodded. Dang Slytherins.
Snape studied him before nodding. "I will be back. Are you going to be okay?" Snape knew it was a silly question as Harry was clearly not okay, but he didn't want to trigger the poor boy anymore.
"Yes," Harry said, sliding down the trunk of a tree they walked to.
Severus nodded and swept off, walking a bit faster than normal.
In his quarters, Severus glided straight to Draco's room and knocked on the door.
"Come in," Draco's voice came from behind the door.
"Draco," Severus said, getting his godson's attention quickly with his stern tone.
"Uncle Sev?" Draco questioned, sitting up and giving him a curious look.
"Harry is outside. I believe he could use a friend right now."
"Is he okay?" Draco asked, shooting up and starting to walk out the door.
"He is physically safe. Well, he was. If you suspect differently, please perform a diagnostic charm."
"What happened?" Draco asked, walking faster.
"It is not my place to tell you. He was triggered and I found out in our lesson."
"Alright. Is he close?"
"I wouldn't have left him far away," Severus pointed out.
Draco moved his head in a way to say 'okay, fair'.
They soon saw Harry, and Severus stopped, while Draco kept walking. He sat down near Harry.
Severus lingered for a moment before turning around and going back to his quarters. Harry was going to be okay with Draco.
Harry didn't say anything and Draco allowed the silence before he said, "I'm here if you need anything."
Harry nodded his appreciation and he and Draco sat in silence for close to half an hour.
There was a stronger breeze by then and Harry spoke up.
"I saw a razor," Harry said, getting to it.
Draco kept his face and body neutral but was internally worried.
"I didn't do anything. Snape found out and went with me and banished it."
Draco nodded.
"I know it was a good thing he did it and all, but I just feel so defeated."
"Do you still want to hurt yourself?" Draco asked.
Harry winced at the question and was quiet. He felt Draco's eyes burning a hole into him and finally spoke up, "Yes. But I haven't or anything. It's fine."
Draco was both worried and relieved at Harry's admission. He was worried, of course, because his friend wanted to hurt himself. He was relieved because he admitted it and was talking about it. He was proud of his friend.
Draco let the 'fine' slide. "Can I join you?" Draco asked.
Harry was a bit confused as Draco was already sitting next to him and had been sitting next to him for quite a while. "Join me sitting here?"
Draco nodded.
"Sure, but I'm probably not the best company right now."
"You're my mate. I'm good just being here. You are not alone."
Harry felt the ghost of a smile grace his face. He mumbled a 'thank you', and looked out onto the grounds.
Harry and Draco sat there for a long while. Neither said anything but they were there.
When someone is going through a hard time, words aren't always the answer. Sometimes it is just being with someone and that is enough. They need companionship. They need to know they're not alone.
You are not alone.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555