Author's Note: TW/ CW: references to self-harm, suicidal ideation, hopelessness, panic attack, and anxiety.
Hi loves! I hope you enjoy this chapter. Harry has a heavy therapy session in this chapter so please be safe and take care of yourself! I'm so glad you're here. You are doing great! I'm proud of yoU! You deserve to rest! You are LOVED!
Thanks for being so patient while waiting for this chapter! I appreciate all of the comments and people who've reached out! I hope you know how truly valued you are. I'm so glad you exist. You are loved!
Previous Chapter Summary: Marlene, Dorcas, Sirius, and Remus enjoy being around each other. Marlene is offered the Defense Against the Dark Arts position and accepts.
Chapter Summary: Marlene tells Harry about the job. Harry and Remus have a therapy session and talk about hope and the future. Harry talks to Draco and encounters Slughorn.
Marlene and Dorcas had quite a lot to do before the start of term which meant they would be hanging around Hogwarts as they got settled in and moved their stuff.
However, they couldn't keep the secret from Harry as they were doing that. A few days after they accepted Dumbledore's offer, Marlene and Dorcas sat down with Harry, Sirius, and Remus.
"Harry, I know things have been a bit odd the past few days," Marlene started.
"I like having you both around! I am interested to know what's going on, though," Harry admitted.
Marlene smiled. "I'm sure you are. You know that I am a blunt person who is going to tell you how it is, so here it goes. Dumbledore asked me to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts for this school year and I accepted it."
Harry felt his mouth drop open. "You're what?"
"I'm going to be your professor for Defense this year."
"And this isn't a joke?" Harry looked to Remus and Sirius for clarification.
"She's telling the truth, Pup. She's signed the parchment and everything," Sirius confirmed.
"Are you okay with it?" Marlene asked, becoming apprehensive due to his reaction.
"Okay with it? It sounds BLOODY BRILLIANT! Auntie Marls! This is amazing!" Harry cried. "Can I give you a hug?"
"Of course," Marlene said, opening her arms out and embracing her nephew.
"I'm going to have a teacher who isn't going to kill me! This is great!" Harry exclaimed when he pulled away. "Wait, you didn't just accept this because of me, right?"
"No, Harry. Yes, you played a role in it because I love you and you're important to me, but I also accepted because this is right for me and Dorcas. This is right for my own mental health. And, I really enjoyed teaching," Marlene admitted.
"Okay, good," Harry said, relieved.
"Dorcas and I are going to be going back and forth as we move our stuff over and get settled. Dumbledore will be showing us our quarters later today."
"Do you know where you're going to be at?" Harry asked.
"We'll be down the hall on the other side. Those quarters have been empty for a while."
"You're going to be so close! This is so great! Now when I'm mad at my dads I can just go across the hall!"
"Cheeky bugger," Sirius said, reaching out to tussle Harry's hair.
"I know how annoying they can be. You're always welcome," Marlene said, smiling.
Harry still felt apprehensive about his sixth year with everything going on, but he felt better knowing that his aunts would be right there. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.
As Marlene and Dorcas were getting settled in and preparing for the start of term, Remus had a session with Harry to check in with him about his feelings about his sixth year.
Harry had settled into Remus' couch and looked at his dad expectantly. "So?"
"Yes?" Remus asked, amused.
Harry huffed. "What do you want to ask me about?"
"Harry, it's your session. I'm here for you."
"Yeah, but I know you want to me about something in particular. I can see it in your face."
Remus shook his head and chuckled. "Would you like me to ask it before you talk?"
"Yes please," Harry said, not wanting to wait.
"Alright then," Remus said as he adjusted himself in his chair. "I wanted to ask how you're feeling about this year."
Harry shrugged. "I mean it's sixth year. It's the 'break year' between OWLs and NEWTS. It shouldn't be as bad as last year."
Remus knew Harry was avoiding the real question he asked. "I hear what you're saying about the academics. I am wondering how you feel about your sixth year. As we've discussed, a lot has happened in the past year and there's a lot going on right now. I want to know how you feel about it."
Harry grabbed a fidget from the table and looked downcast. He took a deep breath and said, "Moony Da, you're right. A lot is going on. I mean classes will be hard because I'm older, yeah, but I can't just worry about classes."
Harry paused and sighed, gathering his thoughts.
Remus nodded sympathetically and patiently waited for Harry to continue.
"I know that we're getting ready for the start of the year and it's a nice break and all, but we're going to have to hunt down Horcruxes again. I have to be around Professor Snape again. I can't go to Hogsmeade because people want me dead. And then, to make matters more complicated, I want myself dead."
Harry groaned and covered his face with his hands. It took him a minute to realize what he said and then he felt himself blush.
"Just ignore that, Moony Da," Harry said, muffled behind his hands.
Remus was quiet, waiting for Harry.
Harry eventually peeked out between his fingers and saw Remus sitting in his armchair with a loving and concerned expression on his face.
"Can you ignore that? Please?" Harry asked again. He moved his hands but didn't make eye contact.
"Harry," Remus began.
Harry groaned. "I'll take that as a no."
"I have to make sure you're safe," Remus explained.
"I'm safe! I am!" Harry insisted. "We've talked about this!"
"You have said before that you don't see a future for your life, yes. I haven't heard you use the words 'you want yourself dead'.
Harry blushed again. "It's not a big deal, Moony Da."
"What's going on, Harry? What are you feeling?" Remus asked.
"It's all so much! And I'm okay right now, really! It's just the feeling I carry with me. I don't want to deal with all of it. If I didn't exist then I wouldn't have to deal with everything."
"Those are some heavy thoughts to have. How are you feeling about it?"
Harry was quiet for a while. He wasn't quite sure how to explain it and wasn't planning on talking about this. "It's hard. I don't do anything, really. I just sit with the feelings. Sometimes it's a heaviness that sits inside of me. I just work through it. Moony Da, I may not want to be alive, but I'm not ending my life nor do I have a plan or any thoughts on doing that."
Remus didn't say it aloud, but he felt better after hearing that.
"Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds like those are some uncomfortable feelings to have."
"Yeah," Harry shrugged. "I wish they went away, but they're not. Really, Moony Da. I'm safe. I'm just trying to get through each day. But it's okay!"
Remus got up from his chair and sat next to Harry. He took Harry's hand in his and said, "It's okay to not be okay, Harry. This is a safe place and I'm a safe person. I am not sending you anywhere. I'm not going to overreact. I'm here to listen. You can tell me how you're feeling. You can tell me what you're thinking. You are safe here."
"It's fine," Harry said, his voice cracking.
Remus gave Harry's hand a sympathetic squeeze and sat with him. They didn't say anything for a while, but Remus sat with Harry, simply being there for him.
"I'm okay right now, Moony Da," Harry eventually said. My mood's okay. It's just something I live with."
"I'm glad you're doing okay right now. And I understand that it's ever-present and a rather annoying and debilitating voice in the back of your head. It's not easy and I want you to remember that you're not alone. When that voice gets too loud and when that feeling overtakes you, please reach out and come get me. Do you hear me?"
Harry nodded. "I hear you. I will, Moony Da."
It was quiet again as they held hands in silence before Harry spoke up again. "Thanks for not freaking out. I guess I get worried that when I say these things I'll have to go away."
"Harry, I'm not sending you anywhere. Like it or not, you're not leaving me right now. With everything going on, you're safer here than anywhere else. And lucky for you, I am trained to handle anything mentally that may happen. Besides, I've told you before that I have students who feel the same as you. They don't go to St. Mungos for having passive suicidal ideation. It's scary to have, Harry. Talking about it makes it a little less isolating. I'm here for you."
Harry let out a large breath. "Thanks, Moony Da." Harry took a few more deep breaths, letting everything sink in.
"What is something you're looking forward to? Way in the future," Remus asked.
"Huh? Lemme think," Harry said. He thought for a moment before saying, "I guess one thing I'm looking forward to is winning the Quidditch Cup. That's kinda soon. Way in the future? I guess I'm looking forward to flying with my kids someday. I don't even know who I'll end up with, but I think that'd be fun. Spending time with you and Dadfoot was so special to me and I loved it. I-I know that sounds silly."
"Not at all! Not at all, Cub! When I was your age I certainly thought about life when Sirius and I were older and what the marauders would look like when we were older. It did not turn out as we planned, but I love every second that I spent with you and Sirius. I promise you that life continues to go on as you get older and it gets a little easier. You have people who love you and things I am so excited for you to see and do."
"I'm trying to hold onto that, Moony Da. I really am," Harry admitted.
Remus wrapped his arm around Harry and pulled him in for a hug, which Harry was thankful for. "You're doing wonderful, Harry. I'm so proud of you."
Harry leaned his head against Remus' chest and listened to his heartbeat for several moments before pulling away.
"Can we talk about anything else? It's a big thing to talk about and I don't have the energy to keep talking about it.
"Of course. I'm proud of you for speaking up. Do you need anything before we move on?"
Harry shook his head. "No. I'm good."
"Okay then," Remus said gently. He gave Harry another squeeze before moving his hand. He didn't, however, go back to his armchair straight away.
"What is a goal you have for this year?"
"To defeat Voldemort. To keep my family and friends safe."
Remus held back a sigh and said, "Those are good goals. What about a goal for you? About you?"
Harry didn't hold back a sigh. "I don't know. It seems… trivial compared to big things. Doing well in Charms just isn't a priority when I have to save the Wizarding World."
Remus nodded. "No, I suppose it isn't."
"I'm still going to do well in classes. I just-" Harry shrugged. "Have bigger fish to fry."
Remus nodded slowly. He was quiet for a moment before slowly walking back to his armchair.
"If Voldemort wasn't in the picture, what do you think you'd want to focus on?"
Harry felt slightly irritated by the question because Voldemort was very clearly still in the picture. He decided to humor Remus anyway. "I think I'd want to figure out what I'd want to do after Hogwarts. I mean I'd have a future. I think that's what I'd want for this year."
Remus smiled. "That's nice. I know Voldemort is here, but it's good to know. Maybe we can talk about that too, hmm?"
"Moony Da, I told you. Nothing seems as important. And we've gone over this, I don't know if I have a future."
Remus nodded. "I want to make sure we focus on you, Harry. You will defeat Voldemort and I know a future for yourself is hard to see right now. I want to make sure that we talk about something that can give you hope."
Harry scoffed. "I don't think you know what you're talking about."
"Is that so?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes," Harry sassed.
Remus leaned back in his chair. He saw Harry's smug expression that was challenging him.
"Do you want to know what I think?"
"Go ahead," Harry said, goading him on.
Remus smiled and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his legs. "I think that you're scared to make plans for your future because they might give you hope and you don't want to make plans in vain. You're scared to have something to look forward to when you see your death as imminent."
Harry's smile fell off his face as Remus explained.
"H-How did you know th-? I-I mean- Moony Da- Uh-" Harry stuttered, not expecting Remus to read him as easily as he did.
Harry fell backward on the couch and his eyes darted around.
Remus got up and handed Harry a fidget. He put a weighted blanket on him and sat next to him.
"I thought I was hiding it rather well," Harry said after a while in a small voice.
"I don't think anyone else knows. And it did take months of therapy for me to get to this point to share it with you."
"It's easier to just not think about it, Moony Da. It feels… safer."
Remus nodded. "I hear you. I never imagined my future after becoming a werewolf for the longest time. I didn't see one. Imagining a future was just painful. I didn't want to think about what I couldn't have."
"Exactly!" Harry exclaimed. He looked up at Remus. "That's exactly it! Yes!" Harry didn't think anyone would ever understand his thoughts or be able to put them into words.
Remus gave Harry a small smile and nodded. "It's scary."
"Yeah," Harry agreed, nodding.
"I know that one conversation isn't going to change everything, but I am here right now telling you that there is hope. It's a big thing to think about. This is a safe space to talk about it."
"It's big. And scary," Harry said, echoing Remus' validations. He leaned into his godfather's side
Remus nodded. "It is. We don't have to deconstruct your fears today, Harry. That's too much."
"Then what should I do?" Harry asked. He felt incredibly vulnerable right now and didn't want to feel this exposed for too much longer. He knew therapy was a good place to do it and he wanted to grow and become healthier, and he knew that involved being vulnerable, but he couldn't stay this exposed for an hour. Small steps.
"Well, I think saying it out loud would be a brave and fantastic start," Remus encouraged gently.
Harry's breath hitched. He'd never said it aloud because it would be admitting that he had hope. He gulped and Remus kissed the top of his head and whispered, "I'm right here. You are not alone."
It was quiet for a minute as Harry debated in his head. Not saying anything out loud meant he could pretend to live in ignorance and push everything down. However, it was here. Harry trusted Remus and knew that his dad knew what was best for him.
"It doesn't mean that I actually see a future for myself," Harry weakly argued.
"You're right. We can expect and hope for different things," Remus agreed softly.
Eventually, Harry took a deep breath. "I have things I want to do in the future. I don't know if they're going to happen, but there are things I want to happen."
Harry held his breath for a moment after he finished as if something were to happen. He eventually slowly let out the breath and relaxed his body.
"I'm proud of you, Harry," Remus said gently. The vibrations in his chest comforted Harry.
Harry didn't say anything but further leaned into Remus. He felt exhausted.
"You did so well. Thank you for sharing that with me."
"C-can we be done with therapy today? I don't think I can do anymore," Harry requested weakly.
"Of course," Remus agreed. They did have a rather intense session so far and he couldn't blame Harry for feeling overwhelmed and drained.
Remus stayed with Harry for close to an hour. They didn't speak but Harry was comforted by Remus' presence and enjoyed being around him.
Harry eventually fell asleep on Remus who took him to the Marauder Quarters and let him rest. Harry slept through to morning, thankfully. Remus knew that he had a heavy day and was so proud of his cub for being brave and sharing.
It can be scary to have hope, but it's worth it.
Professors started to arrive within the next week and at one point Harry and Draco were in the lab, brewing some Pepper Up potions for Madame Pomfrey.
"What's it like? Right before school starts when you're living here?" Draco asked.
Harry shrugged. "I try to stay out of the professor's way. I would normally hide in my room but now we can hide together. Most of them are chill but there are usually a few frantic ones. I just let them do their thing."
"Did you finish all of your summer homework?" Draco asked.
Harry nodded. "Yeah. Moony Da made me finish it a week ago. What about you?"
Draco scoffed. "I don't think Uncle Sev would've let me see the end of June if it wasn't done."
Harry chuckled, but the mention of Snape twisted his stomach in ways he didn't like.
"Harry, listen," Draco said. He stirred his potion once more and turned to Harry as he let it simmer. "I'm sorry for what happened to you with Uncle Sev. He was way out of line. He's heard about it from me about how bad it was after I found out what happened. I'm really sorry."
Harry shrugged and averted his eyes. He didn't really know what to say.
"He does feel bad, really. He's working on getting better. I still see him and talk to him in our quarters. He hasn't had a drink since then."
"That's good," Harry heard himself say. He was becoming overwhelmed with the conversation.
Luckily, Draco saw this and said, "We don't have to talk about it. Just know that you're not alone, okay?"
Harry smiled. "Thanks, Dray,"
Draco and Harry only had a bit to go before they finished their potion. Harry was still feeling a bit triggered by the time they finished and Draco could tell. He tried to walk Harry back to the Marauder Quarters, but they were stopped.
"Harry! My boy!" A loud voice said as they slapped a hand on Harry's shoulder jovially.
Harry literally jumped in the air and looked at who it was.
It was a large man wearing a three-piece suit who didn't have much hair. Harry had seen him before. He squinted at the man before it dawned on him. "P-professor Slughorn?" Harry asked.
"It's good to see you, lad!" Slughorn cried, patting Harry on the back.
Harry froze and looked at Draco, not knowing how to respond. He was too triggered already to deal with this situation.
"I hear you're going to be in my 6th-year potions class!" Slughorn said jovially, rocking on his toes and clasping his hands together.
Harry smile weakly. He nodded at the professor and then went to look at Draco again, but his friend was gone.
"I've only heard good things from the other professors about you! I expect that you have a good dose of your mother in you! Brilliant at potions, she was."
Harry smiled weakly and nodded again.
"Last time I saw you, you were a wee thing! You were with Albus," Slughorn smiled again before it faltered. He looked away, haunted, and then turned back to Harry. "I bet you've heard lots of stories of your mother!"
The smile was back on Slughorn's face.
Harry's eyes darted to the sides of Slughorn. He wanted to leave but didn't know how to get away with Slughorn cornering him.
"She was quite the potion mistress! She and Severus Snape were quite the pair! Something happened as they got older, but they were inseparable when they were younger!"
That was it for Harry. He felt his heart freeze up. It took him a moment to remember to breathe and Harry tuned Slughorn out.
Harry quickly started to look for things that were different colors, trying to keep his panic at bay.
Slughorn was mentioning something about a 'Slug Club' and Harry was reminded of second year when Ron was throwing up slugs.
Harry was on yellow when he heard a familiar voice through the haze of anxiety. A comforting hand was placed on Harry's shoulder.
"We need Harry for something, but we'll talk later, Horace. See you later," Remus said.
Harry felt the familiar hands leading him away.
"Merlin that man would talk to himself in a mirror," Sirius scoffed. He never was Horace's biggest fan.
"Harry? Harry, can you hear us?" Remus asked softly. They turned a corner and stopped walking, Draco right behind the family.
"Harry, Love?" Remus said, rubbing Harry's arms.
"Green," Harry whispered.
"What?" Remus asked gently, not hearing his godson.
"Green outside. The grass is green," Harry replied, pointing.
It took less than a second for Remus to connect the dots. He gave Harry a gentle smile. "You're right, Cub. What about blue?"
Harry looked around and blinked. "S-sky is blue."
"Wonderful," Remus praised. He slowly moved behind Harry and enveloped him in a tight hug, hoping to ground him.
"What about purple?" Remus asked.
Harry looked around before seeing Sirius' robes. "D-dadfoot has purple."
Harry wasn't in his usual state of mind and when that happens he usually speaks in phrases or fragments or sentences that don't make sense. Luckily, Remus and Sirius were used to this and Draco quickly caught on.
"Strong work," Remus said, giving Harry a squeeze. "Do you see any pink?"
Harry looked around. The pressure Remus was providing was helping him calm down a bit. "Pink. In the portrait," Harry said, pointing to a picture.
"Good!" Remus praised softly. "I'm so proud of you! Keep taking some deep breaths. Let's do it together."
Harry felt Remus start to breathe with him and worked hard to slow his breathing down and take some deep breaths. He became more aware of what was happening and saw the portraits staring at him. Harry squeezed his eyes shut and said, "C-can we get out of here? Please?"
"Of course, Harry," Remus reassured him. "Do you want to go to my office or our quarters?"
"Quarters," Harry said as Remus helped him up.
"Okay, we'll head there now," Remus said.
It was a slow walk, but they eventually made it to their quarters, which is when Draco turned around to go back to the lab.
Remus helped Harry into his bed and placed his weighted blanket on him. Harry quickly dissociated and Remus sat on Harry's bed, running his hand through Harry's hair.
"Draco told me that Harry was already a bit triggered before they ran into Slughorn and he just madeiti worse," Sirius said, leaning against the doorframe.
Remus gave Sirius a small smile. "Thank you. I want him to calm down more before I leave him and then we can talk."
"Of course, Moons. You know that I know that Harry is our top priority," Sirius said.
Remus gave Sirius a genuine smile. "I do."
"I'm going to go back to the staff meeting unless you need me here?" Sirius asked hopefully.
Remus shook his head. "I've got Harry. You've got meetings. I'll call you if I need you."
"Moony!" Sirius whined, not wanting to go back.
"Go," Remus chuckled shooing him away.
"Prat," Sirius teased, sticking his tongue out before smiling and walking over to the boys. He kissed Remus and Harry on the head and whispered, "I love you."
Sirius left the room and Remus stayed with Harry. Eventually, the teenager fell asleep, but Remus stayed beside him. Harry stayed asleep for a while, clearly exhausted from his morning. In fact, Sirius returned back to their quarters before Harry woke up. Sirius didn't see Remus or Harry anywhere in the quarters so he slipped into Harry's room and saw his godson sleeping peacefully with Remus next to him. Remus gave Sirius a warm smile and cast a silencing charm over Harry. Remus slowly left the bed and walked over to Sirius.
"Hi, Love. How was the rest of the day?"
Sirius waved his hand. "Ah, mostly boring. It was good to see most people again, though. Slughorn seemed happy to be back. He certainly liked the attention he got." Sirius rolled his eyes. "How's Prongslet?"
Remus looked back at the sleeping teen and smiled. "He's been sleeping. I know he'll wake up soon, but I'm glad he's in dreamland for now."
"Why don't you get some rest? I'll be with Harry right now," Sirius offered.
"That would be lovely, Sirius, thank you." Remus smiled gratefully at his husband.
Sirius kissed his husband and watched him walk out of the room before popping into Padfoot and snuggling up close to Harry.
It was another 45 minutes until Harry woke up. Unfortunately for Harry, it wasn't peaceful. Harry started to thrash around and whimper and Padfoot popped into Sirius.
"I'm here, Harry. Dadfoot is here. You're safe," Sirius soothed.
Sirius knew that he just had to wait until Harry was out of the nightmare. Sirius made sure Harry stayed safe and talked softly to him until Harry woke up with a start.
Harry gasped and looked around.
"Shh. You're safe, Harry. I've got you."
Harry saw Sirius giving him a warm smile and started to take some deep breaths.
"Was it a nightmare?" Sirius asked.
Harry nodded. He swallowed painfully as his throat was dry and scratchy.
"Do you want some water?" Sirius asked, pushing some hair out of Harry's face.
Harry nodded.
Sirius smiled and said, "Can I grab some for you?"
Harry nodded again.
Sirius stood up and went to get Harry a glass of water. He saw Remus in the sitting room and said, "Harry's awake. He had a nightmare."
"Poor Cub. Thanks, Siri. I'll go into his room in a minute. I'll give him a minute to wake up. I don't want to overwhelm him."
Sirius gave Remus a warm smile as he walked back with the glass of water to Harry's room.
Harry was sitting up now and gave Sirius a weak smile when he saw his godfather approach.
"Here you go, Puppy," Sirius said softly, handing Harry the water.
Harry sipped the water and when he stopped he said, "I don't want to talk about it right now."
"That's okay. I'm here for you. I hear that you've had an overwhelming afternoon, yeah?"
Harry nodded and looked down.
"That's okay. I'm here to remind you that you're safe here and that we love you. Just keep breathing and drinking the water. Yeah, that's it. Nice work, kiddo."
A ghost of a smile made its way onto Harry's face with the term of endearment. "Thanks, Dadfoot."
"Course. You're my kid," Sirius said as he ruffled Harry's hair.
Harry smiled and ducked his head.
Sirius and Harry sat in comfortable silence for another couple of minutes until Remus came into the room.
"Hey, Harry. How're you doing?" Remus asked softly.
Harry shrugged.
Remus nodded. "I understand. I'm not going to force you to talk about anything. I just want you to know that we're here for you."
"Thanks." Harry was quiet again for another moment before he said, "I have some questions about things that happened today and things that are going on this year, but I just can't handle it right now. Tomorrow we can talk about it but right now I just want to be."
"Sounds good to me!" Sirius said as he once again popped into Padfoot and snuggled next to Harry again.
"That's perfectly understandable, Harry. You deserve rest. It's been a busy day. We're here for anything you need."
"Thanks, Moony Da," Harry said as he sat his water down and petted Padfoot.
He deserved rest.
You deserve rest (both now and way in the future).
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200