Previous Chapter Summary: Harry continues to recover from destroying the Horcrux. He has a breakdown. Harry finds out news about Snape and tells Ron and Hermione what happened with Snape. Harry checks in with his grandmother.

Chapter Summary: December holidays arrive. Harry has a conversation with Snape. Harry struggles with forgiveness.

AN: TW: References to self-harm and past trauma, depression. Hi friends! You are loved!

December holidays quickly approached and many students went home on holiday. Normally, Harry would be ecstatic for break, but this time he felt dread. The second day of break he was going to have a conversation with Snape and he wasn't looking forward to it.

Sirius and Remus were concerned for Harry and finally spoke up the night before as Harry was pushing his dinner around on his plate.

"Harry, why don't we talk about it?" Remus suggested gently.

"I don't want to!" Harry insisted as he stabbed a piece of broccoli on his plate.

"It's okay to be nervous," Sirius said. "We understand completely."

"I don't want to talk about it!" Harry said again, this time standing up. "I'm going to my room," Harry stated as he turned and went to his bedroom.

"That went well," Sirius sighed, putting his head in his hands.

"Poor Cub," Remus added.

They sat quietly before Sirius spoke again. "Rem, we do need to talk to him before tomorrow."

"I know. Let's give him some time right now. I think he'll come around."

"Okay, Healer Lupin. I'll trust you."

Remus rolled his eyes, but kissed his husband. "I love you."

"And I love you."

After dinner, Sirius and Remus sat in the sitting room, grading papers that were due the day before break. Around 9 pm, Harry wandered out of his bedroom and into the sitting room.

"Hi," Harry said, a blanket draped around him.

"Hello Cub. Want to join us?" Remus asked.

Harry noddled wordlessly and sat on the floor near them.

It was quiet except for the scraping of quills against the parchment until Harry spoke. "I'm ready to talk about tomorrow. I-I'm really nervous. It was getting bad," Harry admitted.

He was beginning to panic in his room and that was when he knew he needed to get help.

"I'm so glad you joined us and came out. That was a brave and smart choice. We're here for you," Remus said.

"What's on your mind about tomorrow?" Sirius asked.

"I know we're going to Granddad's office and Snape is meeting us there. I know we're going to have to talk about what happened, but I don't like that. I don't like that at all."

Harry started twisting his hands together.

"Hey, hey," Remus breathed, getting on the floor with Harry. "We're here for you." Remus reached out a hand and squeezed one of Harry's to remind him of their presence.

Harry took a deep breath to calm himself. "I just worry about how it's going to go and seeing him again."

"That's all understandable," Remus said.

"How can we best support you during the conversation?" Sirius asked.

Harry wrinkled his brow. "Well, that's a good question. Uh, be with me and don't leave me alone with him."

"We would never!" Sirius said fiercely.

Harry gave him a weak smile.

"Also, let me talk. Sometimes you guys jump in too soon when we're having conversations. Like I might look to you for help, but don't try to speak for me unless I need you to."

Remus nodded. "That's something we can do as well. Thank you for bringing that to our attention. We'll work on it."

Harry nodded. "Can you also make sure that I don't break down there? You both know me well and know when I'm getting to that point. I don't want to break down in front of Snape. I don't want to at all. I don't want to look weak."

Remus knew that what Harry really meant is that he didn't want to seem vulnerable in front of Snape and understood that, but he had to correct his son. "Crying isn't a sign of weakness, Harry. It's a sign of strength."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Do you promise though? Get me away before I break down?"

Remus and Sirius exchanged a look and nodded. "We promise."

Harry let out a sigh of relief. "Good."

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Puppy?" Sirius asked.

Harry paused, but nodded. "It has to happen. At least I'll have time to recover."

"Are you feeling sleepy at all?" Remus asked, despite knowing the answer.

"I can't sleep, Moony Da."

Remus gave a nod, understanding the situation. "I'll make us some hot chocolate. Maybe that'll help."

Leave it to Remus to think chocolate is the answer.

Nevertheless, Harry nodded and watched Remus get up and go to the kitchen and Sirius got on the ground and scooched toward Harry.

"You know, the Marauders are still around. We're quite famous for our pranks on Snivelius. We can do it again."

Harry smiled and shook his head. "No, Dadfoot. I know I have to talk to him."

"We're here for anything you need," Sirius reminded him seriously.

"I know. Thanks, Dadfoot."

Sirius hugged Harry and they stayed close until Remus came back with three steaming mugs of hot chocolate.

Harry hoped this would do the trick and he'd be able to sleep.

Unfortunately, it was not.

Harry finally fell asleep around midnight and woke up several times in the night. Sirius stayed with him as Padfoot and each time popped back into himself and comforted him until he was able to fall back asleep.

Harry woke up around 9 that morning after his restless night. Sirius was still Padfoot and Harry leaned over and petted him.

Padfoot lifted his head and saw Harry and smiled, as much as he could.

Harry stayed there, quietly petting Padfoot, for fifteen minutes before he stopped and Sirius popped into himself.

"Good morning, Pup," Sirius said, kissing Harry's head.

"Mornin'," Harry replied.

"I'm sorry you didn't sleep well," Sirius said as he pushed a piece of Harry's hair back.

Harry shrugged. "'M not surprised."

"Still. I'm sorry," Sirius replied.

Harry gave a nod of gratitude before Sirius took a deep breath and said, "Come on, Pup. Let's go eat breakfast."

"I'm not hungry," Harry insisted.

"I know. We're going anyway," Sirius replied, expecting that answer.

Harry was dragged by Sirius to the kitchen where Remus was sipping his tea. "Harry! Good morning. How'd you sleep?"

"Not so good," Harry mumbled, sitting down.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus asked gently.

"Not really."

"Okay. If you change your mind, I'm here."

Harry nodded in acknowledgement.

"Let's get you some breakfast now," Remus said, smiling.

"I'm not hungry!" Harry insisted once again, more forcefully this time.

"Some food in your stomach will calm your nerves a bit. You need to eat something, even if it's just a few bites of toast."

Harry huffed, but didn't reply. He dutifully ate a few bites of the toast and marmalade that was given to him and sipped at a chamomile tea.

"You did well," Remus said as he was clearing the table.

Harry shrugged.

Remus checked his watch. "We have about an hour before we are due to meet Dumbledore and Snape. What do you want to do in the meantime?"

"I don't know," Harry replied honestly. Curling up and dying wasn't an option and that was all he wanted to do at the moment.

"Do you want to play a game? Duel? Read a book?" Remus suggested.

"Maybe duel?" Harry said.

"Why don't we go into the boxing room to duel so we will be safer?" Remus suggested.

Harry gave a nod of agreement and followed Remus into the boxing room.

"I'm going to give you a wide range of things you're allowed to do, but nothing that can seriously maim or injure, alright? Something we can take care of here or something Aunt Poppy can fix relatively quickly. Deal?"

Harry gave another nod.

"Wands at the ready, go!" Remus said.

Harry and Remus dueled for about half an hour before both were beyond sweaty and went to shower. By the time Harry was out and dressed, it was time to leave.

"It's about time, Harry. You ready?" Sirius asked gently.

"I think so," Harry agreed.

"Wand first and then we'll head there," Remus said, referencing what they talked about in their previous session.

Harry handed Remus his wand, who put it on the table. "Let's go."

The three slowly walked to Dumbledore's office, taking their time. When they got there, Dumbledore greeted them warmly.

"Boys! Come in, come in. I'm glad you're here."

Albus led them to a couch and chairs away from his desk. Harry sat on the couch and Remus and Sirius sat on either side of him.

"Professor Snape should be here momentarily," Dumbledore said. "Can I get you anything?"

Harry shook his head as his throat was too dry to say anything.

"We're good, Albus, thank you," Remus said, answering for all of them.
Albus nodded and took a seat in an armchair and called a house elf for some tea.

"Are you sure you're okay, Pup? We can leave if you want," Sirius whispered to Harry.

Truthfully, the offer was rather tempting to Harry. He did want to leave. However, he knew this was going to have to be done. It was time.

Harry swallowed and shook his head.

"Alright. We're here for you," Sirius said as he gave Harry's shoulder a squeeze.

There was a knock at the door and Harry's breath hitched in his throat.

"Ah, there he is," Albus smiled as he got up to greet Severus.

Harry stared at the fidgets Remus had placed in front of him, but felt too frozen to move his hands. He saw Snape glide toward them and Harry felt like a golf ball was in his throat.

"Hello Remus, Sirius, and Harry," Severus said as he sat down.

"Hello," Remus greeted him, knowing that Sirius wouldn't.

It was silent for a moment before Albus started talking. "We're here to talk about what happened between Severus and Harry and to move forward from the incident. Severus, you may speak first."

Severus nodded and looked at the Marauders and Co sitting on the couch.

"I am so sorry Harry for all the pain I caused you. I know that it's never okay to be drunk while teaching a lesson, especially Occlumency. I haven't had a full drink in months and the few sips I have had have been supervised by another adult. I know that won't change what happened to you, but I am sorry that it happened."

It was quiet again.

"Harry?" Dumbledore prompted.

Harry swallowed and licked his lips, getting ready to speak. "What you did was horrible. It was traumatic and, y'know, you caused neurological damage that Moony Da had to fix with help from Aunt Poppy?"

Severus gave a sad nod.

"It wasn't okay. I trusted you," Harry said, his voice cracking with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," Severus said again. He hated the way he sounded but he didn't know what else to say.

"But I'm tired of being so angry at you. I know I can't be scared of you forever, and I don't want to be. I'm willing to forgive you, Snape, but it's going to take some more time. I'm just not there yet."

Snape nodded, he understood. "That's more than I can ask for."

"I'm glad that's settled," Albus said after 20 seconds of silence, "because Professor Snape will be teaching once again and you'll be seeing him more often than you have before."

"What?" Harry asked as his eyebrows came together.

"Albus, we didn't talk about this," Remus said, placing a hand on Harry.

"I'm telling you now," Albus said, completely oblivious.

"I will be teaching the first through fourth years, Harry. Professor Slughorn will still be teaching you."

Harry felt a bit better at that, but it still rocked him. "So you'll be around then? Just like before?"
Severus gave a nod.

Harry felt his hand run to his wrist where he went over the area with his thumb.

"Here, Harry. Try this," Remus said, handing a fidget to Harry.

"I don't want a bloody fidget!" Harry said angrily, pushing it away, as he stood up and walked to the fireplace where he continued the motion.

Remus and Sirius exchanged a look.

"I think it's time we go. Thank you for apologizing, Severus. We'll be in touch to continue this conversation another time," Remus said.

Severus nodded, as did Albus.

"Harry, we're going now," Sirius said gently, but firmly to the teen, not leaving room for an argument. Sirius threw the floo powder in the fireplace and flooed alongside Harry, and Remus was right behind them.

Harry immediately tumbled out of the fireplace and as soon as he got his footing, he went to the table and grabbed his wand.
"Harry James, put that down!" Sirius exclaimed.

"No!" Harry said, running to his room where he put up several locking charms and sat against his door, clutching his wand close to him as he panted.

"What's going on?" Harry heard Remus ask.

"He has his wand! He locked himself in his room! I'm trying to get in," Sirius said, successfully undoing two of the three locking charms by using alohomora.

"Sirius stop," Remus said, putting a hand on his husband.

"Harry's in there! With his wand!"

"I know," Remus replied gently. "I'll handle this. Go get yourself some water and calm down."

Sirius huffed and crossed his arms, but Remus gave Sirius a look who eventually relented and walked away grumbling.

Remus sat against the wall, near the door. "Hey, Harry."

Harry didn't reply.

"I know things are feeling out of control right now, aren't they?"

Harry still didn't reply.

"I want you to remember that you're not alone and Dadfoot and I are right here to support you. You're not in trouble. We just want to support you."

Harry sniffed behind the door, finally catching his breath and calming down some.

"You did well in the meeting. I'm proud of you for speaking your truth," Remus continued. "You're doing so well."

Harry looked down at his wand as thought of what he could do raced through his mind. He wanted nothing more than to hurt himself right now.

"Harry, do you remember our therapy session? We talked about how we can keep you safe before, during, and after the meeting. I want to help keep you safe, Cub."

Harry felt himself beginning to cry. He didn't know what to do. What he should do and what he wanted to do were all mixed up in his mind.

"I don't know," Harry whispered hoarsely, finally speaking.

"I know it's scary right now, Cub. I know it's a lot. Can you please open the door so I can help you?"

Harry scooched away from the door and reached up and opened the door and Remus crawled into his room.

"Hi, Love," Remus said.

Harry cried and went to Remus' side.

"I hate this!" Harry said, dropping his wand.

"I know. I know," Remus comforted Harry.

"I want this anger to go away, but I don't know how to make it! And there's only one way I can think of dulling it, but I know I'm not supposed to do it," Harry sniffed.

"Forgiveness is hard, Harry. And none of us knew that Snape would return as a professor. It's hard when things take you off guard like that."

Harry nodded.

"What would help you most right now?" Remus asked kindly.

"I don't know. I need to do something."

Remus nodded. "Okay, we can arrange that. Can I talk to Dadfoot about some ideas?"

Harry nodded and untangled himself from Remus.

"Do you want to come with me?" Remus asked.

Harry shook his head. "I'll be okay here."

Remus nodded. "Alright. I'll be back in a few moments."

Harry moved to his bed and hugged Prongsy close to him. He hated feeling this way.

Within a couple of minutes, Remus and Sirius were back in Harry's room and found Harry lying on the bed.

"Harry, Love?" Remus spoke up, putting a gentle hand on Harry's back.

"Hmm?" Harry replied, not bothering to move.

"We have a plan. Can we talk about it?" Remus asked.

Harry sighed and pushed himself up to a sitting position. Movements were becoming harder and harder as he felt the depression sink in.

"We're going to Australia to fly, if that's alright with you," Sirius said.

Harry blinked. "But I thought it wasn't safe?"

"We'll be safe for a few hours. We'll also keep the portkey on us at all times and stay close. How does that sound?"

"Brilliant," Harry replied weakly, giving his parents a smile.

"Get changed into some comfortable clothing you can fly in. We'll be in the sitting room," Sirius said.

Harry nodded and watched them walk out of the room and softly shut the door. Harry managed to drag himself out of bed and change his clothes before seeing his parents standing in the sitting room, waiting for him.

"Ready, Cub?" Remus asked.

Harry nodded and walked towards them, putting his hand on the portkey.

Sirius said the password (as it was a password portkey that can be used at any time. They're terribly expensive, but Sirius doesn't care).

The three were whirled away and Harry quickly fell onto his knees, gasping for air.

"No! No! Cedric run!" Harry cried, mentally transported back to the graveyard.

Remus and Sirius were immediately concerned. Harry had never cried out for Cedric before when they used a portkey. He has had panic attacks, but never went as far as calling out for Cedric.

"Shh, Harry you're safe. We've got you," Remus said gently, inching toward Harry.

"No!" Harry cried, still in the memory.

Remus tried a different approach and went behind Harry and wrapped his arms around him. Sirius popped into Padfoot and went on Harry's legs.

"You're in Australia, Harry. You're safe. You're with Moony Da and Dadfoot," Remus said calmly.

Harry began to blink and recognize his surroundings. He wiped away his tears and tried to stand up, but Padfoot nudged him back down.

"Not so fast, Harry. Take some deep breaths," Remus coached.

"It's fine. I-I'm okay," Harry said, despite his voice still shaking.

"Just give your body a minute to adjust," Remus said, ignoring Harry's use of the word 'fine'.

Harry sighed, giving in to his godparents' wishes. Eventually, he was allowed to stand up.

"What happened, Harry?" Sirius asked,

Harry shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Harry-" Sirius began before Harry cut him off. "Not now!"

Remus put his hand up and said, "Hey, hey. Let's all take a breath. We don't need to talk about what happened right now, Harry, but we will be revisiting it later or in a session, alright?"

Harry nodded. Anything to not talk about it right now.

Sirius took another deep breath before he said, "C'mon, let's get to the pitch."

Harry gave him a small smile and followed him.

Very quickly both were up in the air, flying. Harry started to fly shyly, but he quickly warmed up and Sirius was so happy to see Harry laugh and smile.

Remus was rather happy to watch on the ground and gather some snacks for their break.

Their break was short lived as Harry was quickly back up in the air. Sirius took an extra few minutes on the ground and watched with Remus.

"This was a great idea, Pads. He is loving this."

"I wish we could stay longer, but we're pushing it as it is."

"We'll be able to stay here again someday. I'm not sure when that is, but someday," Remus said.

"Dadfoot! C'mon!" Harry cried, flying down near Remus and Sirius.

"Duty calls," Sirius grinned as he grabbed his broom and joined Harry up in the air.

They passed the Quaffle around for a while before they slowed their pace and rode side by side.

"Dadfoot?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, Pup?"

"What do you think of everything? With Snape and all."

"It angers me, but I'm trying to work on forgiveness, too."

"How do you do that?"

"Well, for me, I know that everyone makes mistakes. This is different, however, because it involves you, who is the most important thing in the world to me."

"Dadfoot," Harry rolled his eyes.

"Don't 'Dadfoot' me, I mean it. Anyway, I don't like to hold onto anger. I did when I was younger and it was one of the things that fueled the prank."

Harry knew exactly what Sirius meant by 'the prank'.

"It took me a long time to learn and it's a continuing process, but I work on releasing my anger and redirecting that energy into something else, like flying. I don't want anything like that to happen again. I go back to everyone making mistakes and I look at Remus, who forgave me, and I remember that forgiveness is an important thing. It doesn't mean I'm going to trust them, but it does mean that I'm not going to hold it over their head forever."

"I want to forgive Snape, and I think I have some, but I'm still angry and scared."

"That's okay, Harry," Sirius said. "Forgiveness is a process, like I said. This was a big event and it takes time."

"Like, he's done a lot for me and I know that, but what he did was so terrible. I'm glad he apologized, I just need to move on and I'm not sure how."

Sirius nodded. "It takes time. I know Remus could tell you more about that, too."

"Yeah," Harry agreed.

"I think you're doing a great job, so far. Sitting down with him was an important step. He'll be more involved, yes, but you get to decide if and when you let him back into your life. That's your decision."

Harry took a deep breath. "You're right. It just doesn't seem that way. Everything feels out of control."

"That sounds hard," Sirius validated.

Harry nodded. "Thanks for being here," Harry said.

"Of course, I'm always here for you, Pup."

Harry opened his mouth to say something else, but Sirius' wand started to beep and Sirius' eyebrows creased together with worry.

"We need to get back to Remus, now."

"What's going on?" Harry asked, following his godfather down to the ground.

"Someone is attempting to breach the wards. We need to go," Sirius said as they landed.

Remus heard this as well and quickly waved his wand, cleaning everything up.

The wand started to beep faster and Sirius took the portkey out of his pocket.

"Harry, we're leaving now, okay?"

"Okay," Harry said and seconds later they were whisked away.

Harry didn't cry out when they returned, but was on the ground again. He gulped the air and wiggled his fingers and toes, trying to ground himself and remind himself of where he was.

"I'm so sorry," Harry said as soon as he could talk.

"What for?" Sirius asked, on the floor with Harry.

"It's my fault. If it wasn't for me the wards wouldn't have been breached."

"Harry, we love you. If it wasn't for you we wouldn't have even had fun in the first place. You gave me an excuse to fly," Sirius winked.

"You don't need to apologize, Harry. It's not your fault," Remus reminded him.

Harry didn't fully believe them, but also didn't feel like a therapy session so he said, "Okay. You're both safe, right?"

"We're safe and sound. Are you?" Remus asked.

"Yeah. I'm good."

"Excellent. Why don't we play a game before dinner, hm?" Remus suggested.

Harry nodded. He didn't feel like being alone at the moment.

The three played a few different games before having dinner and then going to bed.

Harry's head swirled with the events of the day, but he knew that he and his godparents were safe in the castle, and that was enough for him.

After Christmas, but before the New Year, Remus pulled Harry into his office to have a session with him. He gave him some time off for the holidays, but didn't abandon his sessions altogether.

Harry was expecting this, and had a question for Remus.

"What's on your mind, Cub?" Remus asked as they sat down.

"I wanted to talk to you about forgiveness," Harry said.

"Go ahead," Remus said, extending a hand.

"I'm trying to figure out how to forgive Snape. I know it's a process and Dadfoot reminded me of that, but it's really hard."

"What did Dadfoot say, if you don't mind me asking," Remus said.

"He said forgiveness is a process and he remembers that everyone makes mistakes and he doesn't like to hold onto anger. He said that was one of the causes of the prank and he doesn't want anything like that to happen again."

"That's good advice."

"Yeah. He said you could talk more about forgiveness, since you forgave Dadfoot for the prank."

"I did," Remus nodded.

"How?" Harry asked.

Remus sighed. "It took a long time. Now believe me, to this day I don't condone his actions and never will. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you agree or are okay with what you did. Forgiving someone, like Dadfoot said, is a way to release anger. It's a way to move on. One of the things that helped me forgive Dadfoot was thinking about how much he's done for me. I loved him, even then. There were more positives to having Sirius in my life. They outweighed excluding him. I didn't want one thing, no matter how big, to cause me to lose the love of my life and best friend. It took a while to let go of the anger, hurt, and shame. It took a while to trust him again. I knew, however, that I wanted him in my life. I knew that despite his mistake, he was a good person and an important person in my life."

Harry nodded slowly. "That makes sense. It might make my father roll over in his grave, but Snape was an important person in my life. He'd helped me more than once. I don't want to throw it all away, at least I don't think I do."

Remus nodded. "It's hard figuring out what you want, for sure."

"I'm not ready to trust him or have tea with him by any means, but I think that I want him in my life in some capacity. I'm just not ready for it yet."

"And that's okay," Remus validated. "Forgiveness takes time and is a process."

"If I had a knut for every time I've heard you or Dadfoot say that…" Harry said, shaking his head.

Remus chuckled. "And we'll keep saying it, because it's true. It does take time. And you're doing wonderfully with it."

"Psh, doesn't feel like it," Harry said.

"Harry, you sat in a room with Snape and talked to him. You said that you want to forgive him. You're exploring the concept and trying to figure out how to let go of the anger. You are doing a great job," Remus said.

Harry shrugged. "It still didn't change me having a freak out over him returning as a professor."

"That was unexpected and you weren't prepared for that. It took Dadfoot and I off guard as well."

"I'm coming around to the idea, but it was such a shock and talking to him was hard enough," Harry explained.

"You don't need to prove or explain anything to me, Harry. I understand," Remus said.

"I just want to be around him and be able to act normal, y'know?"

"I do. I think you're taking the right steps to getting there. You did a marvelous job being with him the other day."

"Thanks, but it didn't feel like it."

"I understand. I'm still going to tell you that you did well."

Harry shrugged, but didn't bother arguing back this time. He knew Remus would stick to his word.

"Forgiveness is hard, Harry. It takes a lot out of you and takes a lot of time. Be kind to yourself about it."

"I'll try," Harry said.

"Good. I'm so proud of you."

Harry gave Remus a small smile. "Thanks, Moony Da."

"Anytime," Remus smiled back.

Harry didn't talk much for the rest of the session, but mulled over Remus' words. He could do this, especially with the support of his parents. He could do this.

Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
17. Have something spicy or sour (like the redhot candy, or warheads)

Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200