Chapter 36
A Parents Love
Sirius stared at the empty bed. His heart felt like it was going to hammer out of his chest. He could hear faint murmuring around him and knew the others were discussing where he might have gone. He just couldn't seem to make himself turn away from the empty bed.
When he'd come back, and Remus had told him that Harry was missing he'd been concerned. However, he knew Harry had likely run away from his relatives for a reason. That he was likely better off. Now, Harry had run away from them. It hurt deeply.
Everything Snape had just shared with them had felt like blow after blow to the heart. He'd not gone into details about what kind of injuries he'd discovered, nor had he said anything about what Harry had shared with him last night, but the lasting damage spoke for itself. Harry had been through hell.
"Sirius." Remus called from beside him.
Sirius shook his head from the horror story his mind was creating behind his eyes and turned to Remus.
"It's going to be ok." Remus said softly reaching up and brushing tears from his cheek that he hadn't even realized were there.
Sirius looked pleadingly at Remus. Their son was missing. Their son. Those words echoed in his head loudly. Merlin. How had they not known? Why hadn't James and Lily told them?
His stomach cramped tightly.
"We need to find him Remy." Sirius said in a horse whisper.
Remus nodded.
"Yeah. Come on. Severus and Minerva are already searching. Poppy is going to stay here; in case he comes back." Remus said softly.
Sirius nodded.
Remus took Sirius' hand and they headed for the doors of the hospital wing. When they were finally in the hall, Sirius stopped and took a deep breath. He shook his head like it would clear his mind. Then he tried to focus. Where would Harry go?
"Where are the other's searching?" Sirius asked.
"Severus went to check the practice room and is going to floo to his house to make sure Harry didn't just go back. Minerva was going to check the towers. I said we'd look in the Great Hall and then the pitch." Remus answered.
Sirius furrowed his brow. None of those were bad ideas but it's not where Harry would be. He was clearly upset, or he'd have just stayed or come around the curtain.
Sirius shook his head.
"The library." Sirius answered.
Sirius had found Harry many nights while he'd been staying at Grimmauld tucked away in the library. Especially when it was clear he was upset. He'd joined him a few times and others he'd let him be. He wanted Harry to know he was there. However, he didn't want to scare him off.
"You think?" Remus asked uncertainly.
Sirius nodded and began to walk away from Remus.
"I know that's where he is." Sirius answered.
They kept their eyes peeled as they walked but never saw any sign of Harry. Sirius was starting to doubt himself a little as they came to the door of the library. Perhaps they should have checked the pitch.
Sirius shook his head again. If Harry wasn't here, they'd keep looking.
As they stepped in Sirius turned to Remus.
Remus' eyes had a slight shine to them. He turned and gave Sirius a sad smile and nodded.
"You were right. I can smell his scent in here." Remus said softly.
Sirius considered that for a minute and popped into Padfoot.
Sirius realized he too could now smell Harry.
He began to follow the smell deeper into the library. His ears pricked up at a sound. He turned his head in the direction of it then returned to human form.
"He's at the end of the aisle, near the window." Sirius said softly.
Sirius and Remus both looked around the corner of the bookcase and saw nothing. Sirius knew Harry must be under the cloak. He could slightly smell it too. It had always had a unique smell. Like wind, and grass, and adventure, Sirius mind supplied.
With a nod they both headed down the aisle.
Sirius realized the sound he had heard was Harry crying. It was so soft that they'd nearly made it to the end of the aisle before he could hear it in this form.
Sirius raised his hand and gently felt for the edge of the cloak. When the smooth material brushed across his fingers he pulled and watched as the material flowed like water off of Harry. Sirius heart broke at the sight in front of him.
Harry was sitting in the deep well of the window. His knees pulled tight to his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around them. His head was buried in his knees. Both of Harry's sleeves were pushed up and although they couldn't see the underside of his arms the smell of tears and blood was obvious.
"Harry." Sirius called softly.
Harry didn't flinch or jump. He simply turned his head, so he was slightly facing them. His green eyes shined brightly.
"What do you want?" Harry asked. His voice sounded so broken.
Sirius folded James's cloak roughly and set it on a small table near the window. He took a breath. He tried to remember everything Remus had said this week. Everything that he'd read. He didn't know why Harry had run off. He didn't want to make it worse by saying something careless.
Sirius sat in the chair at the small table. Harry was sitting slightly above him in the window, but he didn't want to stand over him.
Sirius saw Remus step back a few steps and send off his patronus. He couldn't hear the words but knew that he was letting the others know that they'd found Harry.
"I was worried about you. I just wanted to make sure you were all right." Sirius answered Harry. He kept his voice level.
Sirius saw something spark in Harry's face. It was anger that was quickly replaced with hurt. Well shit, Sirius thought. Maybe he'd managed to step in it anyway.
"Don't. Okay? Just don't. I don't want to be lied to anymore. Just leave me alone." Harry choked out.
Sirius could see just how hurt Harry was.
Sirius looked back to Remus who was just watching them. Sirius shook his head. He couldn't do this alone. He needed Remus before he made this worse.
Remus walked up and sat next to Sirius.
"Hey, pup." Remus said softly.
Harry glared at Remus.
"I can see your upset. I'm sorry you feel that way. We don't want to upset you more, but we'd like to know what happened. You said you didn't want to be lied to. Can you tell me what you think Sirius is lying about?" Remus asked soothingly.
Sirius watched Harry as Remus spoke.
Harry was really pale. He'd also noticed a little blood on his jeans where his arms were wrapped. He could see some scars on Harry's knees where they stuck out of the rips in his jeans. Harry looked like a mess. The kid needed care in every sense of the word, and Sirius felt broken that they'd not done a better job.
"Please stop acting like you care. No one does. No one ever did. Okay? I'm sorry for taking off…I just…" Harry cut himself off and buried his face in his knees again and let out a gut-wrenching sob.
Sirius felt tears prick his eyes. He took a deep breath and willed them not to fall. He'd promised Remus he'd do better regulating his emotions around Harry.
He wanted to just stand up and wrap Harry in his arms. Tell him how much he loved him. How painful it had been to not get to watch him grow up. How sorry he was that he hadn't protected him.
"Can you tell me why you don't think we care? I know you were honest with us last week about the ways we have let you down. Please know that our failures don't mean we don't care about you though." Remus said.
Harry's jaw clenched and so did his hands. Sirius watched him raise his head and meet Remus eye. Harry's face was red and blotchy. His eyes looked so broken and hurt. Sirius could tell Harry was trying hard to bury it all behind anger, but it wasn't working.
"I heard you in the Hospital wing. How upset my parents were finding out they were going to have me. Did they want to give me away like my aunt and uncle? Would it have even mattered to them were I ended up? You were just their friends. Why would you care? I can't do this anymore. George tried to tell me to trust you guys and Snape. That things would be different but there not. Things are never going to change. Can you please just leave me alone now?" Harry said angerly though his voice was little more than a choked sob by the end. He buried his head back in his knees.
Sirius brow creased. Harry had obviously only caught the very beginning of their explanation. Sirius turned to look at Remus. He looked hurt too but with a look of consideration on his face.
Remus swallowed hard. It hurt to hear Harry say he wasn't wanted. He'd been the most loved and spoiled child as a baby. Even before he'd been born.
Remus pulled out the paper Severus had handed them. The one that said that they were Harry's parents. Remus looked past the guardian information. He stumbled over the Magic Level. He'd need to talk to Severus about that. It couldn't possibly be accurate. When he reached the bottom, he found what he was looking for. Harry's list of abilities.
Magical Abilities-
Parseltongue (Inherited)
Aura Sight (Inherited)
Metamorphmagus (Inherited)
Natural Occlumens (Inherited)
Natural Legilimens (inherited)
Natural Elemental (Spontaneous)
Natural wandless caster (Spontaneous)
Animagus (Process begun 31 July 1995, Heartbeat detected 31 August 1995, Transformation complete 6 June 1996)
It was an astounding list of abilities.
Remus was proud to see that Harry had inherited his natural Legilimens ability. That was what he'd been looking for. Remus wandered who he'd gotten the Occlumency abilities from. Remus had gained his when he'd become a werewolf. Harry wouldn't have inherited it that way.
With a deep breath he prepared to do something a little unorthodox.
"Harry, do you know that you're a natural Legilimens?" Remus asked softly.
Harry turned his head but kept it down. Remus was saddened to see guilt in his eyes. Having an inherited Legilimens ability could be upsetting as a child. Especially if they weren't told. Not knowing how to turn it on or off they may be more sensitive to emotions and even brief thoughts of others when they made eye contact.
Harry nodded and blushed.
Remus nodded.
"It's ok. It's not a bad thing." Remus answered softly.
Harry blushed darker and went to turn away again.
"Harry." Remus called.
Harry met his eye briefly and then looked away.
"I'd like to show you how wanted you are. Will you let me try to show you that were not lying to you?" Remus coaxed.
Harry looked unconvinced.
"Harry, do you know why we were telling the others that story? Did you hear what Professor Snape asked us?" Remus asked softly.
Harry's brows furrowed and he shook his head.
Sirius sighed. Remus had to agree. Clearly Harry had just misunderstood what he had heard.
"Will you let me show you?" Remus asked.
Harry still looked unsure but nodded.
"You just need to cast Legilimens and look into my eyes. My barriers are down." Remus said calmly.
Harry still looked a little unsure. He sat up right and let go of his legs. He raised his hand and Remus caught sight of the angry red lines on Harry's arm. He winced and a moment later Harry's hand moved.
"Legilimens." Harry whispered.
Harry felt himself fall into Remus's mind. At first it was very disorienting, like making a floo call. Then Harry could sense things around him. Memories, not unlike feeling his own in his mind. He settled and memories began to flood in front of him.
His parents, Remus, and Sirius laughing at a party in the Gryffindor common room.
Remus, Sirius and his father running down an empty corridor. The sound of laughter echoing off the castle walls.
The four of them walking in Hogsmeade while snow swirled around them.
Remus sitting quietly in the library with his mother. Seeing Sirius and his father walking in. Remus and Lily blushing with little smiles as they watched them.
"You like him." Lily said in a bit of a sing song voice.
Remus blushing more and hiding his face behind a book.
Sirius holding Remus hand on the train. His parents chatting animatedly about what they would do with their summer now that they were done with school.
The memories shifted and Harry saw people running and screaming. Buildings on fire.
Remus and his mother huddled together. Remus looked like he was shaking.
"It's okay Remus. You're ok. Were all scared. Don't worry, will all be together." Lily whispered, determination on her face.
Harry watched his mother hug Remus. They looked so young, but there eyes looked haunted. Their faces were marred with small scratches and dirt. They looked like they'd just stepped out of a battle.
Harry watched the memory fade and found himself in an unfamiliar flat. He recognized his parents and some of the other young faces from the Order picture he had.
"Happy Birthday Sirius!" They all yelled.
Sirius whooped and grabbed a bottle of firewhiskey with a red bow on it from a table. He stuck the bow on Remus' head.
"My present for later." Sirius said with a wink and took a long slug out of the bottle.
Remus and his father sitting in a pub talking quietly.
"Things are getting bad. You guys shouldn't be staying in the city." James said in a horse whisper.
Remus nodding.
Remus laughing watching his mother and Sirius make a mess of some kind of baked goods in a kitchen he didn't recognize.
His mother had flour on her nose and batter on her cheek. Sirius had so much flour in his hair it looked like he'd gone grey.
"Sirius, you said you'd help with this dinner. But your just making a mess of my kitchen." Lily laughed.
The next memory felt like it swirled around him.
A disembodied voice calling Padfoot. Sirius retrieving a mirror from his pocket. Frightened ramblings about needing them to come.
The memory vanished and was replaced with what Harry could only guess was what Remus had been retelling in the Hospital wing.
His mother sobbing into his father's chest. The pained look in his father's eyes. Remus and Sirius walking into the living room. His father leaving with Sirius and Remus taking his place on the couch. Remus gently rubbing his mother's back and whispering soothing words.
"I'm Pregnant." Lily whispered.
Harry held onto the memory, wanting to see how it had played out.
"Congratulations." Remus murmured into her hair.
His mother nodded and raised her head. Harry could see her eyes now. She looked terrified.
"How am I going to keep the baby safe? I'm so scared." Lily asked. Her voice begging Remus to reassure her.
"It's okay Lily. You're ok. Were all scared. Don't worry, will all be together." Remus answered squeezing her hand.
His mother nodded and gave him a tight smile.
Harry let the memory slip from his grasp. He felt confused.
The next few flew by him. The four of them cuddled up on the couch. His mother's belly was starting to show and his father whispering in her ear. Sirius with a goofy smile on his face hugging Remus.
He grabbed hold of another memory of his mother crying. She was covered in blood. Remus was standing over her chanting something. His father was brushing her hair away from her face and repeating over and over that she was ok. Sirius had one hand holding hers and his other laying on the slight bump on her belly.
"The baby. The baby. Check the baby Remus!" Lily screamed through her tears.
The memory was ripped away from him. The next he saw Remus and his mother were standing over a cauldron. Then his mother taking a potion. Then the four of them on the couch again.
"Well, we know he'll be good at flying." James volunteered.
His mother rolled her eyes.
"It's a boy now, is it?" Lily challenged.
"It'll be easier to make another Marauder if it is." Sirius chuckled.
Remus laid his hand on top of His mothers that was laying on her bare stomach.
"The baby will be loved. That's what it'll be." Remus murmured.
All four nodded and the memory faded.
"It didn't work." Lily wept.
Remus placed a hand on her shoulder.
"It's ok. It doesn't matter. We'll all be here for the baby. Will do a blood adoption when the baby gets here. Please don't cry." Remus said wiping a tear from her face.
His mother smiled and nodded.
Harry's confusion only grew. What were they talking about?
Harry watched a flurry of memories fly by. His parents dancing, his mother showing Sirius and Remus the nursery. Sirius showing Remus a comically tiny leather jacket with a wide grin on his face. Sirius kneeling in front of his mother tying her shoes and then pressing a kiss to her very swollen stomach. Then they were in the hospital.
Harry watched his father brushing his mother's hair off of her face.
"You did so good Lils. He's perfect." James cooed.
Remus and Sirius sat on a bed next to them holding a bundle in their arms. Harry recognized this scene from the picture Sirius had given him.
The memories raced again, and he saw himself as a baby being packed around by all of them. Hugged and kissed and laid down to sleep. He saw himself pulling Padfoot's tail and Remus play with his little toes. His father trying to feed him, and the kitchen being painted with baby food. They were all cheering at the accidental magic. He saw himself racing around on a tiny broom following an orange cat.
Then the emotions seemed to change, and he found himself watching Remus destroying the flat he'd seen earlier. Watched as he sobbed over a broken frame that held a baby picture of himself. Remus picked up the picture from the glass and tucked it into his pocket.
Then Harry was watching his parents' funeral. He wondered where they were buried. Remus stood alone. The look on his face was completely broken.
The memories flew again, and Harry watched as Remus got thinner and thinner. His hair getting more grey. The man's robes became patched, and Harry could feel the weight of life crushing down on him. However, through all the years of memories that seemed to fly by one thing kept popping up.
The picture of baby Harry. The edges became worn and a slight crease in the corner became more pronounced as time passed.
The next memory caught him off guard. Remus standing over him on the Hogwarts express. The guilt and pain in his eyes as Remus introduced himself and then fled the car. He watched Remus break down in tears in what Harry could only guess was his quarters at Hogwarts.
There were flickers of Dementors and Harry learning his patronus. Then the events that had happened in the shrieking shack.
Sirius and Remus at some cottage and at Grimmauld. Them helping him study. Gently probing him with questions.
Remus frantic to find Harry when he'd disappeared this summer. Sirius showing back up. The pain in Remus and Sirius eyes when he'd yelled at them last week. Sirius and Remus explaining how they'd adopted him to McGonagall, Snape, and Pomfrey.
Harry left Remus' mind panting.
Harry blinked as he tried to take in everything he'd just seen.
He felt shaky and like he might be sick.
Harry leaned back against the wall. The window felt cool and grounding against his side. He tipped his head back and stared at the ceiling.
Well fuck. He'd really taken what he heard out of context. He felt a warmth swoop in his stomach as he thought about the memories he'd seen. He'd never seen so much of his parents. Truly heard there voices. Snippets of them from the memory the dementors brought up and the memory he'd seen in Snapes Pensieve. That's all he'd ever had.
This was something else.
He felt like he'd just watched a sped-up version of Remus' life.
Remus. He turned his head slightly and caught Remus out of the corner of his eye. He looked just as shaky. Sirius had his hand on Remus' back and was speaking softly to him.
Remus and Sirius were his parents too. That was unexpected and confusing. They loved him. The memories had been seeped in love for him. Love for his parents. Love for Sirius.
Harry sucked in a shaky breath. He didn't deserve their love. He was too broken for that. All the things he wanted were selfish. The memory of the mirror came to his mind. He was too much of a mess for that. They'd get hurt being close to him.
As much as he wanted it, he couldn't let himself have it. What if the memories were a lie? What if everything just fell apart? He wouldn't let himself trust that way again.
"Harry, are you alright?" Remus' voice drifted to him.
Harry shrugged his shoulders. He was…confused. He decided.
"Ok. That's okay. It was a lot. More than I meant to show you. Your very powerful but I'm glad you were able to see all of it." Remus said quietly.
Harry stayed silent, he didn't know what to say. He was fairly sure he'd overreacted when he left the hospital wing. But that was about the only thing he had any confidence in at the moment.
"Do you have any questions?" Remus asked.
Harry thought for a moment. All he had was questions. None he was willing to voice right now. He already felt entirely too exposed. He pushed up his strongest occlumency wall. He would think about the rest of it later.
He grabbed his sleeves and yanked them down. He sneered at the blood on his jeans and waved his hand to vanish the mess.
"No." Harry said flatly. He pushed himself out of the window and stood.
He knew he'd have to face Snape, who would likely flay him alive for taking off again for the second time in a day. Might as well do that now while his wall was up.
Sirius stepped up in front of Harry and the sadness in his eyes made Harrys heart clench.
"I want to apologize for last week Harry. I was out of line. I'm sorry for raising my voice. I've been struggling and I'm working to be better." Sirius said earnestly.
Harry shrugged. Sirius wasn't the one that needed to apologize. He'd been the one doing something freaky. He shouldn't have expected anything else.
"You're fine Siri. It was my bad. I messed up. Won't happen again." Harry said a little brokenly.
Even with his shields up he could feel the tears that threatened to fall. He'd been frightened by Sirius' yelling, but he'd understood. He mostly felt hurt that even these people who kept claiming to love him couldn't really except him. He was too much of a freak even for them.
Harry stepped around Sirius and started making his way through the library. He could hear Remus and Sirius following him.
"Don't Sirius." Remus hissed.
Harry stopped cold in his tracks and turned around. He hated being talked about.
"What?" Harry snapped a little harshly.
Remus' mouth drew into a tight line and Sirius looked like he was about to cry.
Harry took a deep breath. He hated Friday's. The last several had been hell.
Harry lowered his head and looked at his disgusting oversized jeans.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to both of you. I…I just mess everything up. You don't want to care, ok?" Harry croaked out and then looked up at them as he felt his shoulder start to shake. The wall in his mind started to slip and he felt tears well up in his eyes.
He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around himself.
A moment later he felt two sets of arms wrapped around him. He let out a sob and his body shook. He wanted…needed this so bad. But…he just didn't know how to except it. Their hands stayed on his upper back and so comforting. But inside he felt the need to push them away. The raging war of feeling undeserving and wanting to protect them and the disgust he felt in himself.
"It's okay. It's okay." Sirius murmured softly into his hair.
Harry felt his muscles stiffen. This needed to stop. The comfort he was getting from this was quickly ebbing away and being replaced with panic.
The arms fell away, and Harry took a hesitant step back. He took a few shaky breaths and an awkward silence stretched between them.
He racked his mind for something to move this conversation away from himself.
"When'd you guys get married?" Harry deadpanned.
Harry almost laughed at the surprised looks on their faces.
Harry gestured to Remus hand and smirked when Remus put it behind his back like Harry hadn't already seen it.
"Were not." Remus blurted out.
Harry raised an eyebrow.
Sirius seemed to pull himself from the shock quicker.
"I proposed the night I came back." Sirius said with a soft smile. Harry loved the look in Sirius eyes. The way Sirius looked at Remus was something that Harry didn't think he'd ever feel.
"Been holding on to the ring since…. well for a long time." Sirius said with a sad smile aimed at Remus.
Remus blushed.
He was glad they were together.
"So, when's the wedding?" Harry asked slightly awkwardly.
Talk of romance wasn't exactly a topic he was comfortable with either, but it was the only thing he seemed to be able to pull out of thin air.
"Um…Er…I don't know." Remus said, still blushing.
Harry laughed a little.
"Alright well…I expect an invitation." Harry tried again to sound normal. He'd walked himself into an uncomfortable conversation that he hadn't planned.
"Oh, don't worry. I expect you to be my best man." Sirius said with a wink.
Harry blushed and looked away from them.
"Well, I…Um…better find Snape. He's probably going to kill me for taking off again today." Harry mumbled.
"What do you mean again?" Sirius asked concern creeping into his voice.
Harry caught the warning look that Remus sent Sirius.
Harry just shrugged.
"Harry." Remus called softly.
Harry looked up. Remus looked serious. He walked closer and held out his hand the same way that Snape had last night.
Harry felt shame color his face. He supposed it was too much to hope that they'd not seen his arm.
Harry set his left hand in Remus' hand. He wanted to cry again but he just held still as Remus pushed his sleeve up.
The marks were angry and a little bruised around the edges. They weren't too bad. He'd definitely done worse before. He felt embarrassed at another part of his freakish behavior being exposed.
When he'd reached the library, he hadn't been planning to hurt himself. He'd just been overwhelmed. He started thinking about all that he and Snape had talked about and what he'd heard in the Hospital wing. His mind had begun to spiral, and he remembered he couldn't really leave. That if he wanted to protect the people he loved, he'd have to stay. He'd have to fight Voldemort. Kill him. Be killed.
He'd had his knife in his hand before he had even made a conscious decision.
Each cut had been for someone he'd let down.
"May I heal these?" Remus asked softly.
Harry didn't want them to be healed. He deserved to suffer for the pain he was causing to those around him.
Harry glanced up through his fringe and saw the blank mask Remus was wearing. He didn't want to hurt them. He hadn't meant to hurt anyone but himself.
Harry nodded.
Remus pulled his wand out and began chanting a spell quietly under his breath as he went over each of the cuts.
They slowly vanished leaving only faint white scars.
"Thanks." Harry said softly as he pulled his sleeve down.
Harry felt that warm feeling flutter in his stomach again. Remus didn't have to heal him. He could have just left it. He felt cared for, even if he didn't feel like he deserved their care.
"Harry, will you look at me please." Remus said softly.
Harry raised his head and met Remus eye.
"I know it's hard to believe right now. But Sirius and I do care about you. We want what is best for you. I don't expect this to be an easy road. But please give us time to show you that we care. And show you that you do deserve to be cared for." Remus said.
Harry bit his lip. They weren't really asking for anything but time. He could give them time.
Harry nodded and Remus nodded back.
"Where's the knife Harry?" Sirius asked. His voice sounded a little thick.
Harry felt like crying. The knife had been a gift from Sirius and this is how he'd used it. Before he'd had the knife he'd used a variety of other things. Now he always carried his knife. He'd briefly thought that the twins had taken it after they'd visited. He'd left it on the bed and when he'd looked for it the next day he couldn't find it. He'd found it a few day's later somehow tucked in his trunk with a note saying how much they loved him.
Harry clenched his jaw and shoved his hand in his pocket.
He pulled it out and rolled it back and fourth in his hand. Then held it out to Sirius.
He couldn't bring himself to look Sirius in the eye. He was ashamed of his behavior, and he was sure Sirius was too.
"I'll give it back Harry. It's just for now." Sirius said lifting the knife from his palm.
Harry shrugged.
"Now, we need to get you back to the hospital wing. You have an appointment to get to." Remus said, breaking the silence and leading them the rest of the way out of the library.
Remus felt raw from the emotional roller coaster he'd just been on. He'd only planned to show Harry a few memories. However, Harry had raced through his mind. Seeing so many memories. It was like he'd been searching Remus' mind for family. Some of the moments had been great and some had been some of his darkest. He hoped Harry would be able to cope with everything he'd just seen.
Then Harry had just broken down. It had been obvious that he was trying to bury everything behind his occlumency walls. Which could be incredibly dangerous. He would need to speak with Severus about that and see how often Harry was using his walls that way.
Remus stopped when he realized he couldn't hear footsteps following him anymore. He'd been so lost in his own thoughts.
Sirius was standing in front of Harry. Remus realized he could see Harry shaking.
He approached them slowly.
"What's happening?" Remus asked Sirius.
Sirius shrugged.
"I don't know. I asked Harry to stop for a moment because he seemed shaky. Harry, can you tell us what's wrong?" Sirius said.
Harry shrugged and then shook his head.
Remus bit his lip.
"Harry does your body not feel well or is it your mind?" Remus asked cautiously.
Harry furrowed his brows and then shrugged.
"Is it getting hard to breathe again." Remus asked.
Harry shrugged then nodded.
Remus took a deep breath and glanced at his watch. They still had about twenty minutes before his appointment. Despite having felt like he'd lived a whole lifetime since he'd left the Hospital wing it hadn't actually been that long.
"Do you think you're having another asthma attack?" Remus asked critically.
Harry shook his head but kept looking at the floor.
"Are you panicking about something?" Remus asked carefully. He knew how sensitive a question it might be.
Harry started to shrug then nodded.
Remus nodded.
"Okay. I want you to look at me." Remus instructed.
Harry raised his head and hesitantly met Remus' eye.
Remus held out his hand's, palms forward. The motion caused Harry to flinch.
Remus wanted to scream. He was too raw right now. All those memories had brought his feelings for Harry into a clear focus. He could almost feel Harry as a baby in his arms. Seeing Harry flinch away from him broke his heart. Knowing that only days after the last time he'd held him he was with those horrid people made him livid. He would be speaking with Albus at some point. He'd not let the old man get away with what he'd done.
Remus calmed himself. He needed to help Harry. He was here now, and he could help him now.
"You're ok. Now put your palms against mine." Remus instructed.
Harry took a half step forward and did as he was told.
"Now I'm going to breathe in and flex my fingers towards you. When I breath out, I want you to breathe in and flex your fingers towards me. Alright.?" Remus explained.
Harry nodded.
Remus drew in a deep breath and gently pushed against Harry's fingers. While he was doing that, he was pushing just a little bit of magic towards Harry. Remus had learned this technique when he'd been studying mind healing. The breathing and tactile contact helped with grounding. The magic aspect he had used when Harry was a baby. It wasn't a spell but more like a magical comforting touch.
Remus exhaled and felt Harry push lightly on his fingers and breathe in deeply.
Remus nodded and gave Harry a gentle smile.
They repeated this a few times and when Harry seemed calm, he pulled his hands away.
Remus smiled reassuringly at Harry.
"Is Snape mad at me? I know I shouldn't have left. I was just upset but I…I don't want things to be bad again." Harry said shakily wrapping himself in his arms.
Remus glanced at Sirius. They'd talked this week about bringing up what had happened with Snape. They'd never really had the chance to address the bruises.
Remus bit his lip.
"Did Professor Snape hurt you, Harry?" Remus asked as neutrally as he could.
Harry seemed to freeze up a little and then shook his head.
"What about the bruises you had last week?" Remus pushed a little.
Harry nodded.
"He didn't mean to hurt me." Harry said softly.
Remus sighed.
"What are you worried is going to happen?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged.
"I don't know. I guess that things will be like they are at school. How things were when I first got to Snapes house. Just…I don't know. A lot of yelling I guess. Things haven't been perfect but we've both just sort of been staying away from each other…Then…I don't know. Last night…" Harry mumbled and twisted his hands in his shirt.
"What happened last night?" Remus asked softly.
Harry bit his lip and glanced between Sirius and Remus.
"Snape did a diagnostic last weekend…He wanted to talk some of it over last night" Harry said softly.
Remus nodded.
Had Snape said something hurtful? Or done something?
"What happened when you had that conversation, Harry?" Remus pushed.
"He…he was just really kind…I didn't expect that…And I just I don't want things to go back…But I feel like I already messed that up. He was upset with me this morning. Now, I've gone and messed up again." Harry rambled. His voice sounded a little thick like he might cry again.
"Harry, I'm glad that you and Severus had a good interaction. I'm sure having that conversation was very painful for you. I'm proud of you for doing it anyway though. So that we can help you." Remus said.
"Now I know you understand that accidents happen. But I also need you to understand that it's never okay for adults to hurt a child. And I also need you to understand that you are not responsible for how other people react. Certainly not the adults around you. You're only responsible for yourself. Do you understand?" Remus asked seriously.
Harry hesitated and nodded slightly.
Remus could tell that Harry didn't really believe that but he was just agreeing.
Remus sighed. They could work on it another time.
"You should have stayed in the hospital wing. However, I think we can all understand that you're under a lot of stress and just needed some time alone." Remus said.
Harry nodded.
"I don't think Severus will be upset but if he is I will talk to him." Remus tried to reassure.
Harry rolled his shoulders back and Remus watched as the life drained from Harry's eyes again.
Remus bit his lip and turned away from Harry. That would absolutely need to be addressed. However, they were running out of time.
Remus smiled when he felt Sirius hand slide into his and give it a gentle squeeze.
Severus paced in the Hospital wing. He'd only made it two floors when the wolf's patronus had come bounding up and informed him they'd found the boy. Severus had huffed and returned to the hospital wing expecting they would also be there. However, that had been nearly twenty minutes ago and still he was in the wing alone. Poppy had come out of her office briefly to tell him that she wanted to check Potters road rash, before they went home that evening but had since returned to her office.
Severus felt a mix of annoyance and worry bubbling in his stomach. Which only led to more annoyance in himself. Potter was fine. He was with the mutt and wolf. It was none of his concern. However, his mind kept supplying worrying scenarios.
Severus heard the Hospital wing doors open and turned to find Minerva striding back in. Severus growled slightly. He was not sitting here worrying about the Potter brat. He kept reminding himself.
Minerva waved her wand over one of the stiff chairs and it became a comfortable armchair. She repeated the action on another chair and then waved Severus over.
Severus grumbled but took the seat all the same. A little elf popped up and handed them each a cup of tea and disappeared.
He took a long drink of his tea and waited for Minerva to speak. The look on her face said she clearly had something on her mind.
"I would like to discuss something with you before they return." Minerva said looking up at him.
Severus nodded and waited.
"During Harry's lesson he divulged something with me, and I would like to address it with you. I gave the boy my word that he wouldn't get in trouble with you. I'd like to believe we can start building some trust with Harry." Minerva began.
Severus was intrigued yet more worried. What had happened now?
If he was to house the boy all summer and things continued like this, he'd go grey before term started.
Severus waved his hand for her to continue and took another sip of his tea.
"Harry told me that while he was on the run, he was sleeping in his Animagus form. Apparently, he's been struggling to sleep without it as you restricted his use of that form." Minerva pursed her lips.
Severus knew exactly what she was about to say.
"He's been sleeping in the park." Severus said with a sigh, running his hand through his hair.
Minerva nodded.
"So, it was you that cast the spells then?" Minerva asked cautiously.
Severus closed his eyes and nodded before he tipped his head back.
"I didn't think about the aura sight. Does he know I was watching him?" Severus asked.
Severus was not doing well at this. He didn't know how to watch a child like this. It was so different from having a student at school.
"No, he said that he woke up and could tell that there had been spells cast. He's afraid Severus. I think we should be proud of him for bringing this to us. If he'd woken up and seen spells, and it wasn't you? That could be really concerning." Minerva said.
Severus nodded.
"I don't know what I'm doing Minerva. The boy practically starved the first week he was with me and this week he's been sleeping in the park. I'm…I'm not a parent. I don't know how to manage a child this way. I can manage students here at school, but this isn't that and I feel like I'm only adding to Potter's issues." Severus admitted.
Minerva gave him a tight smile.
"You're doing what you can Severus. This isn't the first troubled child you've delt with. How would you oversee this if it was one of your snakes?" Minerva asked.
Severus shook his head. It wasn't that simple. He and Potter had a turbulent history. He always made sure he had a good relationship with his snakes from the first night, so that if they needed to come to him they would.
"Potter and I have too much history for that Minerva. I feel like every time we make a little progress, I misstep and make things worse. I don't know how to connect with him. I think at this point I'm just hoping Black and Lupin will be able to take him soon." Severus said with a sigh.
Minerva gave him a sad look.
"Severus, I would never push you to do something you don't want to do. However, you have something that Harry can't get from anyone else. You have a piece of Lily that none of us can give to him. I'm not saying you should bare your soul to the boy, but it might be a way to build some trust up. If you want Harry to trust you, you're going to need to trust him a little as well." Minerva said softly.
Severus looked at Minerva with a pained look. She was right and he'd already been told the same thing several times. It was just a hard conversation to start. How would he even go about it?
He nodded. He would find a way.
"What are we going to do about Albus insisting on taking Potter to the ministry?" Minerva asked.
Severus rubbed his forehead.
"I don't know. I don't think it's a wise idea. As Potters current guardian I can say no. And with everything that has been uncovered. Albus really doesn't have any say on what happens with the boy. He never should have." Severus growled slightly.
"I don't think Albus is wrong. If the prophet keeps running articles people are going to be looking for him. It puts both of us at risk not to mention other order members and his friends. We'll brainstorm something." Severus said, taking a sip of his tea.
"Can I just go to Diagon?" Harry asked.
Harry stood next to Snape and McGonagall. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop on them again. He'd thought they'd heard them return. He bit his lip.
Snape gave him a sharp glare.
"You need a bell." Snape said halfheartedly.
Harry nodded.
"I don't want to put anyone in danger. I…I'd rather not go to the Ministry but I…do have a few things I need in Diagon. I can't make it down the alley without drawing attention. I'm sure enough people will see me to dispel the rumors." Harry said with faked confidence.
He glanced down at his raggedy clothing and them back to Snape.
Snape scowled and then nodded.
"Minerva, will you take Mr. Potter to Diagon when we return from his appointment? I fear that my presence with him will not help dispel rumors. Perhaps only add to them." Snape asked McGonagall.
She smiled at Harry and nodded.
"Of course."
"All right that's settled then." Snape said standing.
Harry took a step back and looked down. He wasn't sure about going to the appointment and he was still a little worried about what would happen with him running off. Best to get in front of it he supposed.
"I'm sorry for leaving the Hospital wing, sir." Harry said swallowing thickly.
Harry glanced through his fringe.
Snape had a pinched look on his face.
"Will address it later. We're going to be late if we don't leave now." Snape said.
Harry nodded. He hated delayed punishment, but he understood.
Harry glanced over his shoulder at Sirius and Remus.
"Will you guys still be here when I get back?" Harry asked uncertainly.
He still felt very mixed up but…He wanted to spend a little more time with them.
"Of course, Pup." Sirius said with a smile.
Harry nodded and bit his lip.
"Come along Potter." Snape said.
Harry followed Snape into Pomfrey's office. They floo'd straight to the doctor's office.