Authors note- Song of inspiration "Thirty years of Tears" By John Hiatt.
Hope you enjoy and please leave a review and let me know what you think so far. Thanks ;)
Chapter 8-
Thirty years of Tears
Severus came to consciousness slowly. His body felt like it was on fire. He held himself as still as possible not wanting to alert his attackers to his awake status just yet. Severus tried to remember what had happened. It came to him like an electric shock to the brain. The Dark Lord had learned of his duplicity.
Fuck! His brain supplied unhelpfully. Although accurate. If he had been allowed to survive the initial torture, then he was being held prisoner. He would be tortured for whatever additional information The Dark Lord thinks he can supply. Then he would be killed. He was fucked.
Fortunately for the Order, Albus kept many things from Severus for this very reason. He of course had secrets that if spilled could cause plenty of damage. However, he didn't have enough information to appease The Dark Lord. He would want more then Severus had. Not that Severus would divulge any information at all. He knew long ago that this was how he would die. No need to make more of a blunder of this situation.
Severus slipped into his mind. Long winding dungeon corridors. His Occlumency walls had been built as a student and had served him well. He slipped into one of the unmarked doors in his mind. This was a potions room. He hid all his most important memories and secrets in here. Once he felt everything was secure, he came back to himself with his Occlumency barriers up and secure.
He began to take stock of his surroundings with his other senses before opening his eyes. He heard absolutely nothing. After a moment he realized there was a slight buzzing sound. A silencing spell. Well fuck again. Severus reached out to his aching limbs. He was surprised to find he was not still laying on the marble floor at Malfoy manor. He was in a bed, albeit not a very comfortable one. Perhaps he was in the cells in the Malfoys dungeons. Severus allowed himself a deep breath. The smell definitely wasn't musky and damp as he had expected. The smells that reached his nose were mostly medicinal. That couldn't be right. If smelt like he was…
Severus eyes popped open. The Hospital wing! Oh god he could weep! The hospital wing! He was at Hogwarts! He wasn't awaiting torture and his execution.
The wing was dark with a little moonlight filtering through the long windows. Severus became aware he was topless and only wearing hospital issue sleep bottoms. Severus cheeks pinked a little feeling exposed. He hoped there hadn't been many people in here. Severus rolled his head to the side. The sight shocked him and warmed his heart. Albus was asleep in one of his hideously transfigured armchairs. Severus felt an uncharacteristic bubble of giggles rising in his chest and a foreign moisture in his eyes. He felt a little hysterical. He had believed he would never see anything but pain and death from the time Voldemort had hit him with that first curse and declared him a traitor.
Severus felt despite his occlumency barriers he could not hold this strange wave of emotions. The laughter spilled forth from his lips. The tears left his eyes, running back into his hair as he lay there staring at the dark hospital wing ceiling. The laughter turned to sobs as the impact of everything from the last thirty years landed on his chest like a ton of bricks. He felt the damn of emotions break.
"Severus?" Albus' voice sounded from beside him.
Albus' face appeared above Severus blocking his view of the ceiling. His face was filled with concern. Severus sobs cut off but the tears continued to roll down his cheeks.
"Severus, my boy are you in pain?" Albus asked softly.
Severus shook his head. Then nodded it. The nerve pain from round after round of Cruciatus burned every inch of his body. But his tears were not for that. He could handle the physical pain of this moment. The pain that felt unbearable was His horrid childhood, of finding a friend only to lose her. The pain of humiliation from his school time bullies. The pain of his choice to join the Death Eaters, The pain of betraying Lily, of her death. It was the pain of watching her son. A boy that was painful for him to look at. A carbon copy of his arrogant father with the mocking green eyes of his mother. It was the pain of having failed to keep his roll of spy. The pain of knowing he had let Albus down, Let lily down. This had been his way of making up for his failures. Yet he had failed again.
Another sob left him. His heart hurt. He wanted to make amends. How would he be able to do that now?
Albus looked down at him in concern. He thought maybe the man was talking again but he could not hear it over the racing thoughts in his head.
Severus laughed.
There was relief. He was free. He didn't have to go back. To face the man that had killed lily. To be at the man's beck and call. To not have to be tortured and then thank the man for the privilege. He felt guilty for his relief. There was a whirlwind of emotions ripping through him. He didn't know what to do. For a man who prided him self on control and having a plan it was a scary thought. What do I do now?
Severus sobbed again and caught the next words albus said.
"I'll go get Poppy. It will be okay my dear boy" Albus said softly giving him a gentle squeeze on his shoulder.
Albus made his way to Poppy's office. Severus had been unconscious much longer than expected. Nearly three whole days. They had noticed the morning after he had been rescued that his body was wracked with tremors. They had given him post-Cruciatus potions in the hope that it would help. The biggest concern after that was if when he woke, he would still be himself. If he had been held under to long, he would likely be joining the Longbottom's and many others from the first war that had been tortured until their minds had simply given up.
Albus rapped his knuckles on the office door. A moment later Poppy appeared slightly blurry eyed and wrapped in a bathrobe.
"What is it Albus?" Poppy said her voice scratchy.
"Severus is awake." Albus said gravely.
Poppy's eyebrows shot up in surprise and furrowed together.
"How is he?" Poppy said stepping fully out of the office.
"I am unsure. I woke up to see him staring blankly at the ceiling giggling and then he began sobbing. I asked if he was in pain, and he didn't seem to answer me. He shook his head and then nodded."
Poppy nodded and disappeared back into her office. When she returned a moment later her appearance was put together and she had a handful of potions.
"The most important thing is for us to remain calm. Regardless of the long-term effects, Severus has had a near death experience. It would be best to keep him calm. Is he close with anyone in the order or staff that might be a calming presence for him?" Poppy asked in a quiet voice. It was unnecessary as the wing was empty, except Severus who had a one-way silencing charm up around his bed.
Albus thought for a moment.
"Minerva perhaps. I think he is close to her." Albus spoke quietly.
Poppy quirked an eyebrow at that.
"I know it doesn't seem like it. However, I know they frequently share a meal or drink. Which I think may be just about as social as Severus gets outside of his interactions with you and I." Albus informed poppy.
Poppy nodded in thought. The existence Severus lived in was a lonely one.
"Very well, I will check him over, but we may want to bring her here if it seems appropriate."
Poppy stepped past the headmaster and down the wing to Severus' bed.
Severus worked to calm his breathing and was slowly able to stop the tears. How embarrassing. He had never had a breakdown quite like that.
Severus strained his ear to see if he could hear Albus or Poppy but was only met by a silence.
He huffed his annoyance. He wasn't one of the brats here after a nosedive off a broom for pity's sake. He raised his hand slowly as his stiff muscles protested the action. He wondered how long he had been here. His hand came up to run through his hair. He sneered at the greasy feeling. Clearly a couple of days. Despite his students label of "Greasy Git" He did actually bathe every day. The potion fumes often left his hair limp and greasy by the end of the day. However, his hair would become greasy if not washed everyday regardless of his activities.
Severus attempted to run his fingers through his hair and discovered something crusty. He wasn't sure he even wanted to know.
Severus dropped his hand back down next to his body and went back to staring at the ceiling. He went through everything that had happened from the moment he had left the Hogwarts grounds. Albus would want his report when he returned. He hoped the man wasn't to disappoint in the loss of information. He hoped Albus would find another use for him. He couldn't live like Black had this last year. Locked up, useless and waiting.
Severus thought again about how it was that he was here. It didn't make any sense. He didn't think he'd ever felt so thankful to be in the castle. Things could be a lot worse right now. Although he loathed being in the hospital wing he wasn't even truly bothered by it now. It was undoubtably an improvement to where he could be at this moment.
Severus attention was drawn from his musing by the breaking of the silencing charm and the shuffling of feet.
Severus looked over to see Poppy and Albus appear at the end of his bed.
"Good evening, Severus. I'm glad to see you awake. You gave us quite a scare. You've been asleep for three days." Poppy spoke in her normal no nonsense tone that always held a little cheer and caring. It was the perfect form for bedside manner. Especially dealing with the students.
"Severus can you speak?" Poppy said her voice held a little concern that sent alarm bells off in his head. He hadn't realized he had yet to say anything. Was there true concern he wouldn't be able to. Had there been a specific curse of greater concern.
Severus opened his mouth and realized how dry his throat was.
"May… may I have some water" Severus voice croaked.
Poppy's eyes lit up and Severus heard a relieved sigh leave Albus.
Poppy bustled over to a side table and returned with a glass of water.
Severus did is best to sit up on his own, but his body protested the movement. He felt an arm slide under his back and realized albus was now next to him. Pillows were propped behind his back and the glass was placed against his mouth. He felt like an invalid, but he did need the help. He gulped greedily at the water.
When the glass was pulled away Severus leaned back into the pillows and closed his eyes.
"Thank you, Poppy," He whispered.
He felt another item pressed to his lips. He was sure by the smell it was a pain potion. He opened his mouth and swallowed the foul concoction.
"How did I get here, Albus?" Severus asked as his eyes opened and met the glittering blue eyes of the headmaster.
"I came and got you, my boy." Albus asserted.
Severus brow furrowed at that information. It didn't make any sense at all. He knew how secure the wards around Malfoy Manor were. There was no way past them unless you were keyed in. And how would Albus even know he needed to be extracted?
"How about I tell you of my brief trip to the Malfoys and you have something to eat." Albus reassured.
Severus nodded. He was hungry. He didn't frequently skip meals. Unless he was called away for Death Eater or Order business.
Poppy stepped away and called a house elf while Albus began to tell Severus about what had happened.
Severus nodded along as he ate a hearty beef stew and crusty bread. The damn Phoenix. Of course, that made sense. Albus had just flashed himself in! Dragged Severus across the floor! and flashed back to Hogwarts like he was popping out to pick up milk. Severus rolled his eyes.
"Severus I must say I'm very concerned about your discovery. I have called one Order meeting already and another is scheduled for the end of the week. Do I have reason to doubt my people?" Albus asked with deep concern.
Severus snorted. Albus had such faith in people. He never heeded Alastors most commonly spouted phrase. Constant vigilance! Severus and Alastor had a mutual dislike but on that they saw eye to eye.
"Not that I am aware of Albus. My roll was revealed to the Dark Lord by your golden boy though I doubt it was willingly given." Severus spat.
"Harry?" Albus asked scooting close to the edge of his chair.
Severus gave a sharp nod as a sneer plastered it way across his face.
"The boy was unable to block the Dark Lord. Our lessons were fruitless, and he allowed him to plunder his mind at the Ministry. Where my roll was revealed." Severus growled.
Severus watched Albus' face as he took in this information. He knew the headmaster would come to the boy's defense.
"Severus, the boy was possessed he hardly can be faulted for my mistakes. I should have given him more information. He may have made better choices if he had all the information to work with." Albus said solemnly.
"Albus I hardly think more information in the mind of a boy the Dark Lord has a direct line to would have been beneficial. If I were you, I'd never let him know anything else again. He got Black killed, his friends and half the order injured. And now he has nearly cost me my life and has cost the order their spy." Severus barked.
"He saved your life Severus." Albus chided.
"Oh? I was unaware that Potter spent his off time as your pet chicken. I was under the impression that you saved me Headmaster with the aid of Fawkes?" Severus criticized.
"The boy sent me his Patronus to inform me that you had been discovered and were in grave danger. If he had not, I would not have known to come for you my boy." Albus informed Severus.
Severus' arms crossed his chest. It was not a pout. Severus Snape did not pout.
"So, the boy's mind is still open to the Dark Lord? Fabulous. This just further makes my point Albus. I'm sure Potter is awaiting his award for saving his greasy potions master. Perhaps another award for special services to the school. Although, his classmates may riot at the injustice of Potter insuring my continued employment." Severus drawled.
Albus quirked a smile at Severus' sarcasm.
"I doubt Harry expects any kind of acknowledgement. Despite your poor view of the boy, he is rather humble." Albus said.
"Will have to agree to disagree on that matter Headmaster." Severus said with a huff.
"The boy continues to flout the rules. Even in this instance. Using magic outside of school. Again. Will you go running to his defense when he is summoned for punishment of his actions? The boy will never learn if his every misdeed is rewarded, Albus. He breaks rules and gets points or special consideration. If the boy had been in my house at least half of his shenanigans would never have happened. He would have learned early that that behavior would be punished." Severus lectured.
Albus considered Severus for a long moment.
"I'm not sure that I wholly disagree. Harry Has been given the wrong impression. However, I think that the miscommunication is not that he will be rewarded for his misbehavior. I think that He has been put into impossible situations and when he has reached out he has been denied aid or reassurance. He believes he is making the best choice. Even if that includes breaking rules." Albus Replied.
Severus went to rebuff Albus but was stopped by a raised hand.
"I'm not saying the boy couldn't stand to be disciplined for some of his actions. I will concede that point. As for being in your house despite the obvious conflicts with who his classmates are I think the more structured lives you create for your Slytherin's probably would have benefited Mr. Potter. But we are here now. And sorting has never been in our control. The Sorting hat clearly saw that Gryffindor was where Harry belonged."
Severus snorted at that.
"As if the boy could have ended up anywhere else." Severus spat.
Albus smirked but said nothing.
"Well Severus. I appreciate you informing me that the information was not leaked by a spy. I have to say it was a growing concern of mine as well as the rest of the order. I am glad you are safe. I hope you rest well. I need to see to some business before the sun rises." Albus said as he stood from his chair.
Albus flicked his wand at the chair and returned it to its previous form.
"Of course, Albus. I…I hope to still be of use to you and the Order." Severus said a little unsure of his place.
A hand landed on his shoulder and Severus looked up into blue eyes.
"Your usefulness was not solely tied to your ability to spy. I have a few things in the works that I will need your expertise on. Rest now Severus." Albus reassured.
"I will inform Minerva that you have regained consciousness. She has been rather worried about you. I imagine she will be here to visit in the morning." Albus said over his shoulder as he floated to the end of the wing and walked out.
Severus snorted at that. Albus was going to stick the old tabby on him. He felt a warmth spread in his stomach that his coworkers cared past what he could offer. He had not allowed himself to care about others' opinions of him in a long time. Likely since his friendship with Lily had ended. But it was a comforting thought that someone was concerned about his wellbeing.
Poppy bustled in with a shirt in hand.
"You had several deep wounds on your chest I apologize for not covering you better. We needed access but I think the wounds are healed enough now that the shirt fabric should not irritate them." Poppy fussed as she helped Severus into the shirt.
"Thank you, Poppy."
Poppy nodded then retrieved a vial from her apron pocket.
"Dreamless sleep. It's just after one in the morning now. If you take this now, you should be able to be up by nine. I'll check you over but if I'm satisfied that you won't send yourself tumbling down the dungeon steps, I will release you to finish recovering in your quarters." Poppy Informed Severus as she held out the vial to him.
Severus did not want to stay any longer then he had to in the hospital wing. He greatly wanted to take a long hot bath and he wouldn't be allowed that until he was released. And Poppy would not release him until he did as she said. She was a force to be reckoned with. He had seen it many times with his students and had even been on the receiving end a time or two. She was not giving him options. She was telling him this was how this was going to work. He smirked a little at that.
He took the vial and thanked her again. Allowing her to help him lay down. He quickly swallowed the lavender flavored potion and slipped into the calm embrace of sleep.