chapter 5
City dwella, successful fella, though to himself, whoops I've got a lot of money...
Wow, this road is so boring. I've been strolling up and down veery casually until this man showed up yelling at me because he thougth I wanted to steal his car. So now I'm hiding in a bush. Yep. Be a Time Lord, they said, it would be fun, they said.
At least I changed before leaving the Tardis again - the faux leather jacket isn't that bad to wear if you plan to spend some time laying on a pavement hiding between branches. Not sure about the skinny black jeans, though, I'm freezing. Still, at least they fit good, and we're still in London zone 3, not exactly a battlefield. And the Doctor would never stop pouting if I ruined the three-button suit he forced me to wear this afternoon to play Health & Safety. Which of course was pinstriped.
I remember the Doctor complaining about how painstakingly sloooow time passes at a normal rate. I've been laying here for at least an hour now, my only activity being trying to remember all the lyrics to early Blur tapes.
In the country-y-y-y...
And, of course, keeping an eye on this Stacy Campbell's house. Mind you, I'm doing my job - I even got myself a binocular from the Tardis. I don't know why the Doctor thought surveillance was needed, since we're investigating a diet. Mostly I don't know why I had to do surveillance while he's probably chatting away with this other man who's on Adipose pills, Roger something. Bet they're having tea.
Still, I couldn't complain, since the last time he gave me a task I, well, blacked out, proving myself completely useless. So I'm really trying to focus.
And when you put it all together he's the model of the charmle-wait, what the hell is that?
"Doctor? I think you should see this", I call into the earpiece as I scramble to stand up and pick up my phone to film the... puppy? It's most definitely something alien, but it's... a bit unsettling. Here I was expecting something scary and ugly and that's like... the cutest thing ever.
"Doctor?", I repeat, as another white fat puppy jumps down the first story window.
"Zoe? Where are you? I'm following a signal", comes his disturbed electronic voice while I look at the five or six white round creatures. They toddle happily down the road, playing around with waste bins, and at first I'm too surprised to follow them, still filming, but then I hear a sudden brake sound and I start running. Thank you combat boots.
As soon as I turn around the corner, I'm half expecting to see Torchwood black SUV, but it's actually just a black van, two men closing its doors abruptly.
I turn around, searching the street. The Doctor is nowhere to be seen, but I am distracted by someone far. Isn't that-
"Zoe! I-".
I hear the Doctor call me both in the earpiece and in the street, so I spin on myself and run back turning the corner, slamming my face into the Doctor's chest. "Ouch", I say. "I thought you were following a signal!".
"Yeah, that van got it. What was it?".
"I don't know. They were... funny".
"Funny? Wha- let me see", he says, snapping the phone from my hands. "Oooh, yeah", his voice goes all up. "Look at that! They're waving!", he cheers.
"The fat just walks away", I quote from today's presentation. "I just didn't expect that to be so literal".
"Well, now that we know what we're dealing with, it's going to be easier to locate what the signal actually does", he says, sprinting. "Back to the Tardis, then".
I tug my black wool cap and start walking, but after just a few steps I hear the Doctor stopping. I turn around just in time to see his eyes divert quickly from my legs to the space around his head.
Was he just. Checking me out. Well, I do look good, told ya.
"What's with the spy attire?", he asks, frowning.
"Oh", I check at my all black outfit. "Just, because. You know, self-confidence boost. Dress for the part, that sort of thing. I was here to spy after all, wasn't I?".
He giggles. "I bet in school you were the kind of student who got good grades after being constantly told she had the skills but not enough drive".
I stop. What the hell. "And what's that supposed to mean?".
He's finally by my side, walks just past me. "Just, it's no middle way for you. You either don't even try or you put all yourself into it", he smiles.
Wow, he really doesn't get it. And I hate always pointing out how rude he can be. "That's not funny, Doctor", I say sternly, as I walk past him, opening the Tardis.
"Oi! Zoe!", he calls, following me. "Look, I didn't mean- you're doing good, the earpieces work just fine and the video is really going to be helpful- oh, seriously?". The Tardis seems to be on my side, because she slams the doors right in his face.
When he enters, I'm already uploading the video to the console computer.
"Look", I point at the screen. "The bio-flip switch must have been-".
"Zoe", he calls me.
"I mean, that's how it works, isn't it? Humans take those pills, and the signal must galvanize the fat cells into those creatures, How come no one has seen them, though? Are they timed, or-".
"Zoe, I'm sorry", he says, folding his coat, interrupting my attempt to ignore him.
I groan, looking to the ceiling. "Don't you think I feel guilty enough without you joking about it? Can't you at least appreciate the fact that I'm trying-", he's suddenly spinning me to force me to look at him, which I really don't want to do. Damn, his eyes. Fuck. Take your hands off my shoulders, Doctor.
"Zoe", he says, lowering his voice. "I've already told you, what happened to Astrid was not your fault".
That's it, I'm so done. I throw my jacket to the railing and make my way to my room, slamming the door behind me. I kick the floor in frustration, making a stupid growling sound, then throw myself on the bed, groaning. I hear the Tardis buzzing in my mind. I know what I need.
I storm out of the room until I reach the library, where I strip my clothes off and dive into the swimming pool. I love this place. Swimming pool and books in the same place. Just brilliant. Although, I don't know how the books don't get ruined by humidity.
Swimming clears my head, the constant flux of thoughts that dooms over a Time Lord's brain all the time seems to calm down until I can only hear my heartbeats. Their sound is so rhythmic, though, it still makes me think about the Master and his drums. I'm having headaches lately, they occur almost every time I try to communicate telepathically with the Doctor. Which, needless to say, doesn't work yet. Still. Right now, I'd rather not communicate at all with that - no, Zoe, no. Calm down. Water is good. Water is soothing.
It's half an hour later, I think, when I hear the Doctor's steps echoing through the hall. I look up with just my eyes above water and I see him, his grim look as he gets to the nearest sofas to the poolside and puts down a tray with two mugs of steaming tea. I dive underwater again, thinking. Can I put this conversation on hold forever? I doubt it.
I finally swim to his side, spotting him just standing there, waiting.
We look straight into each other's eye, then I push on my wrists and climb out of the pool.
"I...", he mutters. "I wish you didn't...", he says, turning around abruptly until he spots a silk robe hanging on an armchair. I smirk smugly as I see him literally running to it and throwing it behind his back without looking at me. "Pleeease?".
I tie the dressing gown and sigh as I sit down on the sofa. "You can turn now", I groan.
He sits at the other end of the sofa. "I made some tea".
We both know this is how it works. I tease him, he makes tea. They're our signals to tell each other it's ok to break the tension. Not that it makes it easier.
I close my eyes in frustration, thinking about our earlier bicker. I'm still a bit mad that he can be so thick. "Astrid?", I repeat, slowly. "Astrid?", I insist, then, raising my voice. "I'm sorry about her too, sure, but can't you see I wish I had a way to atone for everything I did before?".
He looks at me with grave eyes, silently for a while, and he doesn't speak until his third sip of tea. "We'll have to share the blame for that, if you insist on feeling guilty. But I'm actually the one who should have seen it coming, and a long, long, time ago", he adds putting down his mug. "I was fooled by a perception filter and now you're paying the consequences. That...", he says reassuringly, pulling me to him, until my breath is caught between his jacket and his arm and his chin rests on my head, "That's not fair. That was my fault, and the Master's fault. Maybe Chloe's. But, not yours". He says, lifting his head up to look at me. It doesn't convince me, but I let out a breath, as if that's just what I needed to hear. "Okay?".
"...'kay", I whisper, not really believing it. "I just feel like... I'm torn, Doctor. Everyday, all the time, all the time, I ask myself, what If I never unlocked that watch? Why did I open it?...".
"Zoe", he says, still holding me. "That watch didn't just hide him. It was hiding you too". I close my eyes, trying to weight his words. "Would you rather have stayed human and never know the truth?".
I take a step back. "It was different for you, Doctor. John Smith only lived three months, not exactly a lifetime", I point. "And he didn't want to change either".
I pull myself back into the corner, tightening the dressing gown. He looks at me, like he's studying, searching for hints. Then he suddenly stands up, looking around, scratching his head, his eyes running through the shelves.
"Oh!", he finally says, and walks away.
I throw my hands in the air, then finally take a resigned sip of tea.
He's back after a minute, flipping a book in his hands. "Here", he says, giving it to me before sitting down.
I run my hand over the dusty cover. I can't say a word in Gallifreyan, but as my fingers trace the circular writing on the cover, it makes sense. Like reading Braille, I suppose. Legends, fairytales, scary stories and other truths. So Time Lords were witty in book titles too.
"It's not much", he warns me. "But it's a starting point, and you should learn more about guardianship".
I drop the book into my lap, turning to him.
"Sooner or later, when you think you're ready, you should start searching for answers", he says gravely, patting my shoulder. "I know it's scary, you don't have to rush it. Take your time, but... at some point you'll have to do it".
"It is scary", I agree.
"I know", he admits. "But... I never understood what was going on with you until we went to Malcassairo, and for that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry", he shakes his head.
Wow, what a cheery happy pair we make. So I'm the thick one, after all. Still, him carrying this burden of guilt on himself too doesn't completely lift it from me. Gosh, the gloom in the Tardis is tangible. Astrid's presence really might have improved the mood. Wonder if there's anyone else who'd jump on board with the desperate task of cheering us up.
trivia of today:
-Zoe's overall look in this adventure is inspired by Mary in Sherlock's last episode, although more punk-ish. ;)
I think I'll have an update tomorrow too, not so sure about the weekend.